Why Breaking Dawn MUST Be Made Into A Movie
Breaking Dawn opens with Bella Swan, the lacteal heroine of the series, finally getting married to Edward Cullen, the mopey vampire hero. They go off to honeymoon on Isle Esme, a Brazilian island the Cullen clan owns (this is already ridiculous beyond belief. Imagine a vampire going snorkeling; it basically happens in this book), and Edward is afraid to ☺☺☺☺ his new bride. The reason: he's super strong and she's just a human - Man of Steel, Woman of Kleenex type of situation here. But Bella wears him down and Edward throws it in her - and knocks her the ☺☺☺☺ out, leaving her badly bruised.
Let's go over that again: Edward ☺☺☺☺s Bella into unconsciousness. This alone should have you running to Fandango to pre-order your tickets, but it only gets better.
Despite being knocked out cold by his sexual style (and having the headboard destroyed), Bella goes back to Edward for seconds. This time he knocks her up. Yes, an undead vampire apparently has enough viable sperm to impregnate a human woman while ☺☺☺☺ing her off the coast of Rio de Janero. Stephenie Meyer, you fabulous idiot!
The baby in Bella's belly starts growing incredibly fast. And it starts hurting Bella, as each kick it gives has the super strength of a vampire behind it. As it grows, Bella gets sicker, and then the good stuff starts. The baby kicks so hard it breaks Bella's ribs and then severs her spine. Are you imagining Kristen Stewart wearing a fake pregnancy belly and pretending to have been suddenly crippled by her own fetus? Because I am and it's making me laugh and laugh and laugh.
Oh wait, I missed something. Edward is completely freaked out about the baby, fearing it will kill Bella. He tries to convince her to get an abortion (but seriously, how could she? Vampires are tough to kill even in this ☺☺☺☺ty series), and goes so far as asking Native American wolfboy Jacob to impregnate his wife so that she can have the baby she desperately wants. I'm dizzy with how ridiculous this is, and we're just getting started.
Eventually the baby starts to get born and Bella is dying. The baby has telepathy, by the way, so everybody can read its thoughts while it's in the womb, and it turns out to have an essentially adult mind. Like Alia in Dune; I would accuse Stephenie Meyer of ripping this off, but anyone who thinks that Meyer might have read Frank Herbert has never been within spitting distance of Twilight. The woman is a moron.
In a moment that demands to be shown on the silver screen, Edward gives Bella an emergency C-section with his ☺☺☺☺ing teeth. It's like something out of XTro, for the love of God. It's so horrible it's brilliant, and this scene alone is why I remain firm in declaring that David Cronenberg must direct Breaking Dawn. This is surely his movie.
Once the baby is out, Bella gets vamped by Edward, as she's about to die at any moment. Then comes the most astonishing turn of events in 21st century literature, and possibly in the entire history of awful fiction aimed at tweens: Jacob the werewolf, who has been madly in love with Bella, sees the new baby girl and immediately imprints on her. What this means, in layman's terms, is that he falls in love with the baby.
I want to pull this out on its own: Jacob falls in love with a baby.
The book makes no bones about this; while Jacob doesn't want to ☺☺☺☺ the baby right off the bat, he can't stand to be away from it and visits everyday. His love has been transferred from Bella to the baby (who has the tongue shattering name Renesmee), and because of the science behind imprinting he'll love her forever. So one day he's going to stick his wolf dick in this girl that he see as a bloody newborn. Romance is not dead, it's just being abused by insane Mormon writers.
Now if I know anything about Hollywood, they'll either stop with a Twilight trilogy, or they'll edit Breaking Dawn to hell. But they shouldn't. Because then I'll miss out on seeing the ultimate in ☺☺☺☺ in movies. Worse than Plan 9. Worse than Manos: The Hands of Fate. Worse than anything that the grindhouse directors of the 70s could ever hope of coming up with. And it'd be awesome, just to see the look on the faces of the parents who allowed their daughters to grow up with this crap.
Which brings up another question that deserves an answer: how the ☺☺☺☺ do you change that ☺☺☺☺ into something that both stays true to the source at least a little bit and still retains the PG-13 rating that the series is obviously shooting for? I want my pictures of horrified mothers!...
I also just realized that if the mothers go to see this makes-/b/-look-sane-in-comparison movie they probably like the series and see nothing wrong with it... ergo my desire to see the look of utter horror on the faces of the female gender will never come to fruition.
Still, I'm filming the ☺☺☺☺ out of this!
Been reading the comments on the original site, also, and thought that, even though Cronenberg is the best choice for this ☺☺☺☺, there were also some other interesting choices. Tarantino (style matches, but he's so successful that he won't touch Twilight with a 50-foot pole), Uwe Boll (he only makes crap video game movies, so he's out), Sam Raimi (after Spider-Man, he's in the same boat as Tarantino)... can't think of anyone else. So Cronenberg would probably be the guy to do it, even though from what I've heard is that they're speeding up the marriage thing between Bella and Edward and cutting out the kid angle and the 4th book altogether, so I'll have to be a sad panda.
Wait, you know what? I'm a theatre major. I've done well directing. I can easily make fake blood. I'm the damn president of my college's stage combat club...I'm filming the ☺☺☺☺ out of this whether it gets made or not!
But it was a great article, so I'm not hatin'.