. . . complete and utter garbage. Seriously. So here's how it went:
At work a friend/co-worker needed $20, of which she would pay me back in the future. However I didn't have a $20 bill on me at the time, so after work I went to make a transaction in order to withdrawl that amount of money. I bought some donuts (which are freaking delicious) and the very last pack of Gatecrash card packs at the store. However it was a small booster pack of only 6 cards, but I was like 'meh, why not? Might get something good'.
So in the breakroom I lent my friend the money, and then opened my pack and got . . .
Lackluster cards, no good commons for standard, and no rares. Then I remembered; oh yeah, rares only are found in these packs sometimes, if you're lucky. I spent $2 on this pack ($3.50 on the donuts, a good bargain). For twice that price, I could have gotten over double the amount of cards, with a rare included.
That is seriously the last time I ever buy one of those 6 packs.
I had heard about it. I watched the cartoon series (well, most of it, and some of it in bits and pieces), and found it generally good and enjoyable. Not a masterpiece per se, but definitely a rich and wonderful tale with good characters. I wish I could have said the same for the film. Originally I was optimistic at the idea of it when previews for the movie began. Here was what looked like an awesome summer blockbuster. Granted there was some worry; 1. How the **** was anyone going to condense 20 some episodes into a maximum of three hours? 2. Who is directing this film? Well when I found out that M. Night Shama-Lama-Sama-Kun was directing it, and that his last series of films were completely awful, I lost all hope right there. There was some tidbit about how he saw his kids watching it, and that's what inspired him to make the film. I feel sorry for his kids; that they're beloved TV cartoon was raped. Then there was a tidbit about how M. Night Shama-Lama-Sama-Kun actually watched through the entire series, and I felt just slightly more optimistic. Then the movie came out. Granted I didn't see it immediately: I read the reviews first to see if it was worth going to see. Yeah, it wasn't; then it was 8% on Rotten Tomatoes, and now it's 6%. Wow. Seriously, how badly could someone have ****ed up Avatar the Last Airbender? Needless to say, I was not about to piss away $10 (plus and addition $265 when you include popcorn and snacks) on this train wreck of fail.
Fast forward to today; there was still that lingering sense of disappointment at what could have been; that there could have been a good Avatar the Last Airbender film, that someone competent and honest could have transformed a really good TV cartoon into a movie. Wistful thinking, I know. But in all this time, I had never come to know just how bad the film was, only that most others hated it with the white-hot intensity of a thousand suns. Now I could have bought/rented it on DVD, but that costs money. I'm cheap. Except when it comes to MTG and fast food though, then I'm more generous with my money then Jesus . . . or something. Anyway, as luck would have it, the movie was going to be on Nick@Nite, so I had it recorded on the DVR (or my brother discovered that it was going to be on and recorded it on the DVR, I don't remember). I plopped myself on the couch, had a bowl of popcorn and some beer ready, and prepared myself for the excruciating eye/hear/soul torture that is The Last Airbender.
Through-out most of the film, my brother and I laughed and mocked basically just about ERRYTHING in the entire goddamn movie, which itself is only an hour and a half long. I'm not ****ting you; 1.5 hours. The entire first book, in 1.5 hours. Twenty some hours of story condensed into a ****ing 1.5 hours. The ****? I mean, if you made the movie say, 2.5-3 hours long, and only covered the first half, or third, or quarter of the Water book, and cut out all the unnecessary stuff, even then you'd be pushing it in terms of fully transitioning the cartoon to the big screen. So alas, no Kyoshi Warriors, no King Bumi, no Omashu, no Jet, no Waterbending Scroll or Pirates, NO CABBAGE GUY, nada, not. a. single. ****ing. thing. Granted, the absence of these things works in its favor; these great aspects of the cartoon weren't molested by the film. But at the same time, it like some bringing you over a deluxe cheeseburger, removing the onions, tomatoes, lettuce, cheese, and bacon, then pissing (and jizzing) all over it. They remove the heart and soul of the burger, then ruin whatever is left of it.
That's basically one of the primary problems with the movie; it's incredibly thin. What little of the plot that is followed is told in crappy voiceover narrative and/or executed in the poorest fashion imaginable. What's left is a plot that's really no plot at all. The pacing is also terribad; everything feels way to fast. One moment they characters are in the Southern Water Tribe, then they're in the Earth Kingdom, then they're in the Northern Water Tribe in what feels like the time span of a few minutes. I never feel engrossed in the story at all, nor do I ever feel any emotion for the feeling of the world. There's not one bit of tension or build up. Everything is devoid of life or spirit (especially the characters acting abilities, but more on the later), and at best we get quick descriptions of where the story is going.
And then there's the bending, oh boy, the ****ing bending. If you liked the cool, impressive bending of the cartoon series, the bending that had basis in real life martial arts and made benders a force to reckon with, then prepare to be thoroughly disappointed. The bending in this movie looks like the kind of pseudo-karate techniques you do when no one's around; mostly because it involves poor movements amateur striking poses, ineffective arm/leg moves, and in general is just silly dancing. Yeah, that's what half the, no, ALL the bending in this movie is like. To simply bend just a little bit of element involves a choreographed dance number so embarrassing that it makes George Lucas's Star Wars prequel Star Wars light saber battles look convincing and real. Oh yeah I went there; it's that bad. To earthbend one rock requires seven guys doing their worst impression of Gangum Style while another guy actually bend/punches/throws the rock. Firebenders no longer can just firebend at will (unless of course the plot demands it; seriously, both Zuko and Iroh use firebending at will when it's convenient for them/the plot), but rather NEED fire to bend it. Not only is that a slap in the face to the original series, but it weakens them immensely (then again, with the earthbenders being the complete fail that they are, I suppose it makes them pretty even. Still really stupid though). So when the firebenders first arrive at the Southern Water Tribe, they run out with spears instead of a wave of fire. Lame. Oh yeah, then there's the people of the Southern Water Tribe; THEY'RE ALL ****ING WHITE PEOPLE! Sokka and Katara have been whitewashed of both their natural skin color (and their souls). What, was it too much trouble to find people of the right ethnicity? This sort of racial insensitivity and laziness is inexcusable. But wait, you must be asking yourself "it's not the looks and effects that matter, so much as the acting is good". Well have I got a nasty surprise for you; it's AWFUL. I mean beyond awful. To the next paragraph!
The acting is garbage. Everyone in this stupid film frowns ALL THE TIME. Rarely do I see anyone smile, or even betray any authentic emotion that doesn't consist of being emo, looking like they're ready to cry, or looking like they need to **** really bad. Aang takes everything seriously. Everything. Nope, no carefree and happy child of 12, but rather a morose, dour, miserably little turd so flat that an actual piece of cardboard would be more emotionally appealing. That's basically the problem with almost everyone; they're just rehearsing their lines from the script without any emphasis to actually use effort. The actors playing Sokka and Zuko at least try to play their roles, granted that Sokka's character in this movie is NOTHING like the original character. Dev Patel isn't terrible, and seeing as how good he was in Slumdog Millionaire (seriously excellent film by the way; if you haven't seen it, then I highly recommend watching it), I actually feel sorry that he stared in this clunker. The guy playing Iroh isn't too bad in the sense that he seems like an authentic person (and not some perpetually frowning dumbass), but he is nothing like Iroh from the original series. Everyone else is just flat ****ing terrible. Even the minor characters are basically rehearsing their lines with no effort (and on a couple occasions, deliver their lines in a laughably bad fashion).
There's also the fact that half the characters names a mispronounced. Aang become "Oong", Sokka is "Soo-ka", Iroh is "Ee-ro". M. Night Shama-Lama-Sama-Kun defends this by saying that he wanted their names to match the realistic Asian pronunciation for better value. This fails for two reason. One, that change doesn't cater to the core audience of this movie, and two, THEY ALL ****ING WHITE PEOPLE! How the hell could he care about real name pronunciation when he clearly didn't give a rats ass about ethnicity? Its . . . just . . . so, ****ing . . . stupid.
But wait . . . there's more! The movie has some really weird scenes that clearly needed to be edited out, but weren't because . . . they just didn't care. In fact, I'll just list a few examples:
-When Oong, Katara, and Soo-ka arrive in the earth village, there's a guy sweeping the dirt with a broom. I **** you not.
-Oong delivers the "we could have been friends" line to Zuko . . . in the most awkward and inappropriate moments possible, not at all like the way the TV series did it.
-Fire Lord Ozai and Commander Zhao talk about stuff, but the first 15 seconds of that scene are filmed over the plains and trees that are outside of the building where they are talking.
-Firebenders drilling through solid ice. I **** you not.
-While Oong is talking to some guy at a temple, you can constantly hear Appa in the background shouting like a T-Rex from Jurassic-Park.
-Appa sounds like a T-Rex from Jurassic-Park.
-The Spirit World looks like an LSD trip.
The end of the movie is the best part, not because it's any better than the rest of the film (it's even more terrible than the rest of the film actually), but because it's almost over. To summarize: Yue instantly falls in love with Soo-ka, for no real reason. They know that the firebenders are going to attack (was suppose to be a surprise attack in the TV series). Zhao doesn't listen to Iroh and precedes to attack despite the full moon (again not how it happens in the TV series). The waterbenders leave giant torches of fire everywhere, despite the fact that the firebenders will use those to their advantage. The waterbenders wear dark blue, and the firebenders wear black, making it impossible to see who's who. The final fight between the two army of benders largely consists of people waving their swords around the air (easily some of the worst choreographed fighting that I've ever seen in a movie). Zhao is killed by a few waterbenders. Oong saves the day with a lame tidal wave that . . . pushes all the boats away. When everyone bows for Oong, he looks like he's going to **** himself/start crying. Then Fire Lord Ozai (who is nowhere near as intimidating as he was in the TV series) tells Azula to find Zuko. Azula looks like she's 10 years old. And she's white, whereas Zuko is clearly Indian. **** this movie.
Finally, the worst aspect of this ****-fest is that M. Night Shama-Lama-Sama-Kun wants to make another film. Well good luck with that M. Night. Your crappy movie now ranks a 6% on Rotten Tomatoes, liked only by insane lunatics who can't seem to think coherently or logically (no really, I'm serious, go to the site and read the positive/fresh reviews of this movie), no studio in their right mind will trust you with directing a sequel, nor does Nickelodeon trust you, nor fans of Avatar the Last Airbender, nor anyone. There is no way you could ever hope to redeem yourself from this failure and quite honestly I don't want you ever making another Avatar film like this again.
TLDR: This movie is an abomination and M. Night Shama-Lama-Sama-Kun sucks. That is all, goodnight.
I'm reworking my signature and have decided to move some links here for aesthetic purposes. These links are to the wintastic wedge color quizzes that I created, as well as the wedge color banners that were written by me (they were however designed by SGT Chubbz, so all artistic credit goes to him).
There's also a link ot the equally awesome dual color banners.
I have no idea why I've never used this blog feature before. Anywho, it'll make a nice little storage area for all my crazy theme decks.
This one in particular captures the flavor of a typical prankster; creative and intuitive in thought yet malicious and devilish in practice; donkey hybrids, or 'jack-asses' if you will, represent a good embodyment of this theme given their nature; risk taking, coin flipping, and generally annoying shenanigans are what the game of a smart-ass is all about.