Why not run a single Ghitu Slinger or something? A SINGLE one, to make you win on that very turn? Or if you prefer on-color, Maggot Carriers can turn infinite life into a win as well, and be a terrible chump blocker earlier in the game. And it gets around whatever random damage-prevention effects might exist, without needing a pesky attack phase.
Has there been any advancement of the Recruiter build?
Was anyone around here playing and paying attention when they first created Type 2? I know there was a big negative outcry, but I'm trying to get an idea of how big. If the 6th edition rules was a 10 out of 10 in public anger, what was the creation/concept of a rotating format?
I think you can cross off anything with a Time Spiral block mechanic, including the returning ones. Echo, Morph, cycling, etc etc... too soon to return any of those, I think.
So, I think you can safely eliminate
Arcanum Wings - if Blue has an artifact theme, I doubt we'll see an aura-keyword
Aven Mindcensor -- Aven are setting specific
Bound in Silence -- Tribal again so soon? Rebels again so soon?
Deepcavern Imp -- echo
Edge of Autumn --cycling
Grave Scrabbler --madness
Lumithread Field --morph
Second Wind --i doubt we'll see tapping auras again
Shah of Naar Isle --echo
Skizzik Surger --echo
Sporoloth Ancient --thallids are setting specific
Street Wraith --cycling
Whetwheel -- morph
Whip-Spine Drake --morph
Witch's Mist --i doubt tapping enchantments
Zoetic Cavern --morph
I guess they want to support the ailing Brick and Mortar stores. Like, REALLY REALLY REALLY want to support them to the detriment of players and sales. If this DOES make people go to the stores to play, and THAT gets some of them to keep coming, MAYBE it might make local-level organized play a SOMEWHAT more successful. That's about the only angle I can see where this makes any sense, and it seems like a mighty big and mighty risky change.
I'd love to actually participate, and I can use MWS. I'm going to Comic-con this weekend though, so I couldn't start until next week, so don't hold back on my account.
George R. R. Martin is my favorite fantasy writer writing today. My second is a newbie, Patrick Rothfuss. I just finished his The Name of the Wind, and it's bloody fantastic. This guy is gonna be a huge name someday, I kid you not.
If you're in a more scifi mood, Dan Simmons Hyperion (despite looking like a goofy monster book) is also superb. Kinda a cross between the Canterbury Tales and Dune... great stuff.
And if you want to venture out of the genre a bit, I can't recommend Les Miserables or To Kill a Mockingbird enough.
EnemyWithin, Paradox: 35+38+41=114
Tapped_Out, Predictions: 22+18+38=78
Reddington, The Dragon and the Demon: 13+6+23=42
PouncingKavu, Overloading the Core: 36+22+35=93
EnemyWithin wins! Congrats! Time for him to post a new short story contest, or opting out if he so chooses. Thanks everyone, for participating!
I watched this yesterday (and yes, it IS the series finale)... then watched it again (TiVo is awesome). And watched it again today. It's haunting me like few stories do.
The part that's particularly stuck in my head is
Azula. She went from the cool, collected unstoppable force to a disheveled, paranoid, uncertain maniac... and that's BEFORE she got taken down. All the ugliness inside of her was finally made manifest, and that music during her fight with Zuko... at risk of sounding repetitive, it had such a haunting sense of tragic inevitability. I have seldom seen a character so totally defeated as Azula, chained to a grate and wracked with sobs, forced to face the utter emptiness of her existence. Karmic fate for the win.
There are few things as satisfying as a good conclusion to an epic story. Avatar is only the second television-novel I know of (Babylon 5 being the other), and I sincerely hope we see more quality stuff like it. As for what can happen later... I wouldn't be surprised if they maybe did a special or something about finding Zuko's mom--that's the one big thread they didn't wrap up somehow. Also, I'd like to know how the Air Nomads are re-created... there needs to be more airbenders, for four Avatars down the line. Would it HAVE to be a descendant of Aang? Further, the war is over, but there's a lot of rebuilding to do and resentment to mend. The Fire Nation can't exactly be popular. In a lot of ways, rebuilding would be harder than the war.
I'm gonna miss this show. Props to everyone involved in making it.
The Name of the Wind, Patrick Rothfuss's debut novel, is astonishingly good. Maybe not quite up there with Song of Ice and Fire, but Martin has had a long career while Rothfuss is new.
Also, Talercebard is moving, and won't be able to judge the last story until he's got his internets set up at his new place. Shouldn't be more'n a week or so wait, though.
Message from Talercebard: Due to obnoxious timing, he won't be able to get to this story for a week or so. (He's moving, and will be sans internet for a bit).
Posted my scores. Word of warning to ya'll: I just finished reading a VERY good book (Patrick Rothfuss' The Name of the Wind, if you're curious), so my scores are a little on the harsh side. I left some fairly detailed critiques for all of you, though, so I hope that's helpful.
Predictions, by Tapped_Out
Adherence to Prompt: 5. This one was easy enough…
Spelling/Grammar: 2. Needs significant editing. A few particular foibles: “I initially took the course in physics course,” for example, or the lack of a hyphen in “high-pitched.” “A frighten scream.”
Characterization: 3. Miranda is a MacGuffin more than a character—she understands your protagonist, and that means a lot to him, but you get no sense of WHY she understands him, who SHE is. The drunk is even worse… inebriation does not tend to lead to murderous impulses, and even a violent drunk would probably start out verbally aggressive, rather than just jumping her.
Plot/Structure: 5. A little too straightforward for the most part. You could perhaps do a little more with the direct-address style you have going, but you need to at least determine who your speaker is addressing.
Style: 4. You get the ideas across, but rely too heavily on cliché (see your second paragraph), which is never good. Also, you use the exclamation point FAR too often—readers are not so easily guided as that. We should feel the emotion of the statement, not be told about it at the end of the sentence. Tons of run on sentences (not to mention paragraphs). Awkward phrasing, like:
“Then he unzipped his pants and began to relieve himself of the beer he had most likely drank before now.”
I don’t intend to sound harsh here—nobody can improve without knowing their weaknesses. So let’s look at this sentence in particular. For one, unless this guy can DRINK from the future, he obviously drank the beer ‘before now.’ You already established that he’s been drinking, and his behavior only underlines that, so saying it again is redundant unless you add further detail, such as the quality or quantity of the beer. More generally, you should avoid constructions like ‘began to’ or ‘most likely’ whenever possible. Less is more is an easy mantra to repeat, but a difficult one to understand.
Here’s the sentence I would use here:
“He barely had his pants unzipped before he pissed a pint.”
if I wanted to underline how much he’s been drinking—you can tweak that if you want to instead convey that he was drinking cheap beer. But even that might not be necessary, and you could have used:
“Then he pissed on the wall.”
and conveyed everything you were trying to faster and more effectively.
Creativity: 3. Sorry, but this story just seemed to be on trope-autopilot to me.
Total: 22/50. Sorry if I harshed your buzz here, but honestly you have your work cut out for you. That’s hardly a bad thing in itself—we all have to start somewhere, don’t get discouraged! I would suggest setting this story aside for a few weeks—at least—then looking at it again critically, as a proofreader. Shorten sentences as much as you can. Break apart run-ons and a few of your bigger paragraphs; find new ways to convey the cliché thoughts. The story itself, honestly, lacks anything specific to itself to be compelling, but the point here is to grow your skills, and this is an excellent story for you to come back to and fix—and by fixing, see where some of your problems lie.
Overloading the Core, by Pouncing Kavu
Adherence to Prompt: 5
Spelling/Grammar: 4. Still a couple goofs. “I only fell about one.” One what? And Corey’s ‘philosophical speec’
Characterization: 7. Strong, but while the characters have definition, they lack a certain motivation. Your protagonist, in particular—why did she accept the deal? Why did she feel she would have ‘nothing left’ if she left the Core? Is this entirely suggestion? If so, that manipulation is pretty evil, and could make for a stronger story. If not, she has some other issues you could explore, and it would make for a stronger story.
Plot/Structure: 5. Still your weakest point. You were going pretty strong for the first half, then after she talked to Sanford, it became a lot less clear where she was and who else was there. It got more confusing once Linda returned—everything happens too quickly and with too little explanation. As with many of your stories, a lot of things start happening and it’s not clear how or why we’ve gotten there. This is still a marked improvement from your earlier stories, but it feels like you get on such a roll you leave your audience behind. This causes a second problem of your stories becoming bloated and overlong—this is a short story contest, not a novelette contest ;). Try to make your plots and conflicts more concise—this story is about Alexa, and a lot of the rest (as cool as you may think it, as clear an image might be in your head) is just noise. Reread this, and ask yourself, ‘Does this part say anything about Alexa? What is it saying?’ For example, when she empowers Linda without asking, to help her fight Dean—how is this any better than what the Core did to Alexa to begin with? Either she needs to convince Linda to volunteer, honestly, or you need to make the desperation/hypocrisy clear. Again, either way would make for a stronger story.
If you even need it there at all. It seems here, the emotional core of the story is Alexa realizing that ‘the magic was within you all along!’, and deciding to defy Dean. That DECISION is all that’s important—the conflict itself is almost irrelevant, at least as it is currently written. The revelation at the center of a short story is where the satisfaction for the reader comes—hence, it’s typically at the end, not a third of the way through, hah. The revelation about the actual nature of the Core is cute as well, but the confrontation—cinematic though it may be—is far too drawn out. And the story continues for quite a bit longer after THAT, too.
The best way I can describe your problem is… you try to fit an entire movie into a short story. Multiple set-pieces, revelations, twists and turns… Short stories are much simpler than that, they require narrative economy. Find some short stories—there’s quite a few famous ones linked from Wikipedia (lovely place, that). If you want to try visual research, try old Twilight Zone episodes—they fit some very compelling stories into less than half an hour.
Also, a few oddly phrased sentences, a few spots of dialogue where it’s not clear who’s saying what. You use the word ‘pretty’ too much—‘pretty normal height’ at least twice. Stop it. Pretty, Very, Mostly… these words do nothing.
(Also, asking a random student at a SMALL college (much less a city-sized one) to give something to a particular freshman… long odds they’ll even know who you’re talking about, no matter how reasonable they think the request is ;).)
Style: 7. First of all, this is MUCH better than your earlier stories. A few of your metaphors are a little shaky—I came around eventually, but it took me a little too long to figure where you were going. About halfway through though, everything got busy as your stories tend to. You’re getting better at juggling, but you still drop a few balls, as it were. But I think I put most of my ‘style’ comments in Plot/Structure already, hah.
Creativity: 8. Elements of existing concepts, but not in any way I’ve seen them before. As usual, there’s a lot of head-scratcher questions left over, but not as many as your stories normally have. Remember, readers don’t know what you have in mind, and they don’t instantly know where you’re going, eh?
Total: 36
Has there been any advancement of the Recruiter build?
So, I think you can safely eliminate
Arcanum Wings - if Blue has an artifact theme, I doubt we'll see an aura-keyword
Aven Mindcensor -- Aven are setting specific
Bound in Silence -- Tribal again so soon? Rebels again so soon?
Deepcavern Imp -- echo
Edge of Autumn --cycling
Grave Scrabbler --madness
Lumithread Field --morph
Second Wind --i doubt we'll see tapping auras again
Shah of Naar Isle --echo
Skizzik Surger --echo
Sporoloth Ancient --thallids are setting specific
Street Wraith --cycling
Whetwheel -- morph
Whip-Spine Drake --morph
Witch's Mist --i doubt tapping enchantments
Zoetic Cavern --morph
If you're in a more scifi mood, Dan Simmons Hyperion (despite looking like a goofy monster book) is also superb. Kinda a cross between the Canterbury Tales and Dune... great stuff.
And if you want to venture out of the genre a bit, I can't recommend Les Miserables or To Kill a Mockingbird enough.
EnemyWithin, Paradox: 35+38+41=114
Tapped_Out, Predictions: 22+18+38=78
Reddington, The Dragon and the Demon: 13+6+23=42
PouncingKavu, Overloading the Core: 36+22+35=93
EnemyWithin wins! Congrats! Time for him to post a new short story contest, or opting out if he so chooses. Thanks everyone, for participating!
The part that's particularly stuck in my head is
There are few things as satisfying as a good conclusion to an epic story. Avatar is only the second television-novel I know of (Babylon 5 being the other), and I sincerely hope we see more quality stuff like it. As for what can happen later... I wouldn't be surprised if they maybe did a special or something about finding Zuko's mom--that's the one big thread they didn't wrap up somehow. Also, I'd like to know how the Air Nomads are re-created... there needs to be more airbenders, for four Avatars down the line. Would it HAVE to be a descendant of Aang? Further, the war is over, but there's a lot of rebuilding to do and resentment to mend. The Fire Nation can't exactly be popular. In a lot of ways, rebuilding would be harder than the war.
I'm gonna miss this show. Props to everyone involved in making it.
Also, Talercebard is moving, and won't be able to judge the last story until he's got his internets set up at his new place. Shouldn't be more'n a week or so wait, though.
Adherence to Prompt: 5. This one was easy enough…
Spelling/Grammar: 2. Needs significant editing. A few particular foibles: “I initially took the course in physics course,” for example, or the lack of a hyphen in “high-pitched.” “A frighten scream.”
Characterization: 3. Miranda is a MacGuffin more than a character—she understands your protagonist, and that means a lot to him, but you get no sense of WHY she understands him, who SHE is. The drunk is even worse… inebriation does not tend to lead to murderous impulses, and even a violent drunk would probably start out verbally aggressive, rather than just jumping her.
Plot/Structure: 5. A little too straightforward for the most part. You could perhaps do a little more with the direct-address style you have going, but you need to at least determine who your speaker is addressing.
Style: 4. You get the ideas across, but rely too heavily on cliché (see your second paragraph), which is never good. Also, you use the exclamation point FAR too often—readers are not so easily guided as that. We should feel the emotion of the statement, not be told about it at the end of the sentence. Tons of run on sentences (not to mention paragraphs). Awkward phrasing, like:
“Then he unzipped his pants and began to relieve himself of the beer he had most likely drank before now.”
I don’t intend to sound harsh here—nobody can improve without knowing their weaknesses. So let’s look at this sentence in particular. For one, unless this guy can DRINK from the future, he obviously drank the beer ‘before now.’ You already established that he’s been drinking, and his behavior only underlines that, so saying it again is redundant unless you add further detail, such as the quality or quantity of the beer. More generally, you should avoid constructions like ‘began to’ or ‘most likely’ whenever possible. Less is more is an easy mantra to repeat, but a difficult one to understand.
Here’s the sentence I would use here:
“He barely had his pants unzipped before he pissed a pint.”
if I wanted to underline how much he’s been drinking—you can tweak that if you want to instead convey that he was drinking cheap beer. But even that might not be necessary, and you could have used:
“Then he pissed on the wall.”
and conveyed everything you were trying to faster and more effectively.
Creativity: 3. Sorry, but this story just seemed to be on trope-autopilot to me.
Total: 22/50. Sorry if I harshed your buzz here, but honestly you have your work cut out for you. That’s hardly a bad thing in itself—we all have to start somewhere, don’t get discouraged! I would suggest setting this story aside for a few weeks—at least—then looking at it again critically, as a proofreader. Shorten sentences as much as you can. Break apart run-ons and a few of your bigger paragraphs; find new ways to convey the cliché thoughts. The story itself, honestly, lacks anything specific to itself to be compelling, but the point here is to grow your skills, and this is an excellent story for you to come back to and fix—and by fixing, see where some of your problems lie.
Adherence to Prompt: 5
Spelling/Grammar: 4. Still a couple goofs. “I only fell about one.” One what? And Corey’s ‘philosophical speec’
Characterization: 7. Strong, but while the characters have definition, they lack a certain motivation. Your protagonist, in particular—why did she accept the deal? Why did she feel she would have ‘nothing left’ if she left the Core? Is this entirely suggestion? If so, that manipulation is pretty evil, and could make for a stronger story. If not, she has some other issues you could explore, and it would make for a stronger story.
Plot/Structure: 5. Still your weakest point. You were going pretty strong for the first half, then after she talked to Sanford, it became a lot less clear where she was and who else was there. It got more confusing once Linda returned—everything happens too quickly and with too little explanation. As with many of your stories, a lot of things start happening and it’s not clear how or why we’ve gotten there. This is still a marked improvement from your earlier stories, but it feels like you get on such a roll you leave your audience behind. This causes a second problem of your stories becoming bloated and overlong—this is a short story contest, not a novelette contest ;). Try to make your plots and conflicts more concise—this story is about Alexa, and a lot of the rest (as cool as you may think it, as clear an image might be in your head) is just noise. Reread this, and ask yourself, ‘Does this part say anything about Alexa? What is it saying?’ For example, when she empowers Linda without asking, to help her fight Dean—how is this any better than what the Core did to Alexa to begin with? Either she needs to convince Linda to volunteer, honestly, or you need to make the desperation/hypocrisy clear. Again, either way would make for a stronger story.
If you even need it there at all. It seems here, the emotional core of the story is Alexa realizing that ‘the magic was within you all along!’, and deciding to defy Dean. That DECISION is all that’s important—the conflict itself is almost irrelevant, at least as it is currently written. The revelation at the center of a short story is where the satisfaction for the reader comes—hence, it’s typically at the end, not a third of the way through, hah. The revelation about the actual nature of the Core is cute as well, but the confrontation—cinematic though it may be—is far too drawn out. And the story continues for quite a bit longer after THAT, too.
The best way I can describe your problem is… you try to fit an entire movie into a short story. Multiple set-pieces, revelations, twists and turns… Short stories are much simpler than that, they require narrative economy. Find some short stories—there’s quite a few famous ones linked from Wikipedia (lovely place, that). If you want to try visual research, try old Twilight Zone episodes—they fit some very compelling stories into less than half an hour.
Also, a few oddly phrased sentences, a few spots of dialogue where it’s not clear who’s saying what. You use the word ‘pretty’ too much—‘pretty normal height’ at least twice. Stop it. Pretty, Very, Mostly… these words do nothing.
(Also, asking a random student at a SMALL college (much less a city-sized one) to give something to a particular freshman… long odds they’ll even know who you’re talking about, no matter how reasonable they think the request is ;).)
Style: 7. First of all, this is MUCH better than your earlier stories. A few of your metaphors are a little shaky—I came around eventually, but it took me a little too long to figure where you were going. About halfway through though, everything got busy as your stories tend to. You’re getting better at juggling, but you still drop a few balls, as it were. But I think I put most of my ‘style’ comments in Plot/Structure already, hah.
Creativity: 8. Elements of existing concepts, but not in any way I’ve seen them before. As usual, there’s a lot of head-scratcher questions left over, but not as many as your stories normally have. Remember, readers don’t know what you have in mind, and they don’t instantly know where you’re going, eh?
Total: 36