You know, when I was asked to come here today, it occurred to me that this guy we're roasting tonight might just be the only planeswalker older than me. Nicol Bolas, the Emperor of Madara, last surviving Elder Dragon, Most Powerful Being In The Multiverse... and he's just going to sit there while a bunch of young upstart neowalkers dig in to him? Count me in!
And what a selection of upstarts we have here tonight! Tezzeret, the guy who wishes he was me. How's that whole Doc Jest thing these days? Ever get him sorted, or has Nicol still got you by the Bolas? You were on top for so long it must be really hard for you to be someone's whipping boy... though maybe you got used to it after Jace had his way with you.
Speaking of Jace, how are you guy? Do you still think showing up in every other set will make you popular? Listen son, you had a great start. Those first couple cards were great. But seriously, take a break. Every time I see you around it's like going to watch Attack of the Clones. You better hope you find a woman who will love you for your mind, because nobody has wanted to play with your deck since Worldwake rotated!
But that's not really what you're after anyway, is it? Seriously, you're bordering on necrophilia hitting on such an old hag as Liliana. Yeah, she looks young enough, but did her deal with the devil really require so much plastic surgery? And for someone who's over a century old to have breasts that perky, she's got to be even more artificial than I am! Waxy skin, nose like Michael Jackson... Her latest card should have been called "Joan Rivers of the Veil" for Urza's sake!
And what about you, Ajani? Still trying to convince Elspeth to go feral? You put up a good fight, but how tough can you really be when you're so easily distracted by a laser pointer? I'm sure your enemies cower in fear every time you stop combat just to lick yourself. What's your story anyway? You just raged your way into igniting your spark? Frankly, anyone who learns how to be a planeswalker from Sarkhan Vol is just doing it wrong.
As for you, Sarkhan, you just need to move on. You asked Bolas out, he turned you down, get over it. You showing up here in the hopes of running into Nicol Bolas in the restroom, Senator Larry Craig style, is not going to make him change his mind. I know you were really excited when you heard they have cable at the asylum, but the kids PBS show "Dragon Tales" isn't going to help you get your fix. I'm afraid that's not the kind of dragon tail you're lusting for—despite you wearing a codpiece that says "R: +1/+0 until end of turn."
And on that note, Bolas, you need to seriously reevaluate how you do business. You've got one lackey who's just dragon**** nuts and the other just does whatever he pleases. How many times did Tezzeret kill you on that island? Forty? Fifty? Considering your color combo, I'd expect you to know a little something about control. Used to be that Elder Dragons knew a little something about scheming too, but your latest plans have me tempted to Photoshop a twirly moustache onto your snout. How did that plan on Alara go again? Step 1: Start all-out war on Alara; Step 2: Laugh maniacally for a little while; Step 3: Absorb a whole bunch of mana; Step 4: Get beaten by a cat?! Well done! At least you resisted the urge to shout out, "I'll get you next time! Next time!" as you ran away with your tail between your legs. I guess I really shouldn't be too surprised given that your first reign ended when you were beaten by a guy in flip-flops. Oh yeah, Tetsuo Umezawa had a hammer too, right? I guess that would make him a pretty huge threat to the dragon who claims to be the most powerful being in the multiverse. Oh wait.
But seriously, Nicol Bolas is truly THE big bad and is smarter than most of the multiverse combined. He may be old enough to fart dust, but he knows exactly what that dust is made of and exactly how it fits into his current plans (hint: it's a crucial part). Good luck with your next scheme, buddy. I'm rootin' for ya.
You know, when I was asked to come here today, it occurred to me that this guy we're roasting tonight might just be the only planeswalker older than me. Nicol Bolas, the Emperor of Madara, last surviving Elder Dragon, Most Powerful Being In The Multiverse... and he's just going to sit there while a bunch of young upstart neowalkers dig in to him? Count me in!
And what a selection of upstarts we have here tonight! Tezzeret, the guy who wishes he was me. How's that whole Doc Jest thing these days? Ever get him sorted, or has Nicol still got you by the Bolas? You were on top for so long it must be really hard for you to be someone's whipping boy... though maybe you got used to it after Jace had his way with you.
Speaking of Jace, how are you guy? Do you still think showing up in every other set will make you popular? Listen son, you had a great start. Those first couple cards were great. But seriously, take a break. Every time I see you around it's like going to watch Attack of the Clones. You better hope you find a woman who will love you for your mind, because nobody has wanted to play with your deck since Worldwake rotated!
But that's not really what you're after anyway, is it? Seriously, you're bordering on necrophilia hitting on such an old hag as Liliana. Yeah, she looks young enough, but did her deal with the devil really require so much plastic surgery? And for someone who's over a century old to have breasts that perky, she's got to be even more artificial than I am! Waxy skin, nose like Michael Jackson... Her latest card should have been called "Joan Rivers of the Veil" for Urza's sake!
And what about you, Ajani? Still trying to convince Elspeth to go feral? You put up a good fight, but how tough can you really be when you're so easily distracted by a laser pointer? I'm sure your enemies cower in fear every time you stop combat just to lick yourself. What's your story anyway? You just raged your way into igniting your spark? Frankly, anyone who learns how to be a planeswalker from Sarkhan Vol is just doing it wrong.
As for you, Sarkhan, you just need to move on. You asked Bolas out, he turned you down, get over it. You showing up here in the hopes of running into Nicol Bolas in the restroom, Senator Larry Craig style, is not going to make him change his mind. I know you were really excited when you heard they have cable at the asylum, but the kids PBS show "Dragon Tales" isn't going to help you get your fix. I'm afraid that's not the kind of dragon tail you're lusting for—despite you wearing a codpiece that says "R: +1/+0 until end of turn."
And on that note, Bolas, you need to seriously reevaluate how you do business. You've got one lackey who's just dragon**** nuts and the other just does whatever he pleases. How many times did Tezzeret kill you on that island? Forty? Fifty? Considering your color combo, I'd expect you to know a little something about control. Used to be that Elder Dragons knew a little something about scheming too, but your latest plans have me tempted to Photoshop a twirly moustache onto your snout. How did that plan on Alara go again? Step 1: Start all-out war on Alara; Step 2: Laugh maniacally for a little while; Step 3: Absorb a whole bunch of mana; Step 4: Get beaten by a cat?! Well done! At least you resisted the urge to shout out, "I'll get you next time! Next time!" as you ran away with your tail between your legs. I guess I really shouldn't be too surprised given that your first reign ended when you were beaten by a guy in flip-flops. Oh yeah, Tetsuo Umezawa had a hammer too, right? I guess that would make him a pretty huge threat to the dragon who claims to be the most powerful being in the multiverse. Oh wait.
But seriously, Nicol Bolas is truly THE big bad and is smarter than most of the multiverse combined. He may be old enough to fart dust, but he knows exactly what that dust is made of and exactly how it fits into his current plans (hint: it's a crucial part). Good luck with your next scheme, buddy. I'm rootin' for ya.
/in