A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.
The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black. The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes. Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red. Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time. To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes. The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?" The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says, "That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"
A man visits God and says "God, do you mind if I ask you a few questions?"
God says "No, ask me anything at all."
So the man says "God, you've been around for a very long time, so, for you, how long is a thousand years?"
God replies "For me, a thousand years is only five minutes."
The man then says "That's interesting God. And, for you, how much is a million dollars?"
God replies "For me, a million dollars is only five cents."
The man says "Really? Well then God, could you lend me five cents please?"
God looks at the man, smiles, and says "Of course my son. Just wait five minutes!"
Two leprechauns find a pot of gold, one says to the other "what will we do with it?" the other has a think about this and says, "whores!". The other knowingly nods and they head into town.
The two leprechauns enter the whorehouse, are paired off with whores and go to adjoining rooms.
The first leprechaun starts doing the business but notices his girl is just reading a paper and not enjoying herself at all. He tries and tries and tries, and nothing happens. SO he gets frustrated, rolls over and attempts to sleep.
All night ling from the next room, all he can hear is "1....2.....3... oof!" followed by a female giggle. All... night... long....
The next day, they head back into the wilderness and the first leprechaun says "jaysus I couldn't satisfy a full-sized woman, she didn't feel a thing!!!, but it sounds like you had a great night!" the other leprechaun turns around to his friend and says "what are you talking about boyyo... I couldn't even get on the bed!"
See, Tywin, it's because of stuff like this that makes Tyrion hate you so much.
One day three fishermen were out in a boat in the Gulf of Mexico. They had not caught a thing all day when suddenly, one of the fishermen's poles started jerking. He grabbed it and started reeling in his line and shouting, "I got something! I got something!"
He had caught a nice fish, about ten inches long. The fishermen were about to revel in his accomplishment when the fish shook the hook out of his mouth and transformed into a being, half man and half fish, sporting a crown and holding a trident.
"Who are you?" said the frightened fisherman who had caught him.
"I AM NEPTUNE, GOD OF THE SEA, AND I AM GOING TO PUT A CURSE ON YOU LOWLY MORTALS! BEFORE YOU LEAVE HERE TODAY YOUR BOAT WILL SPRING A DOZEN LEAKS! ... NO, MAKE THAT A DOZEN AND A HALF!"
And with that, he dove back into the waters. As soon as he was gone, the fishermen's boat had sprung so many leaks they were forced to swim to shore.
To this day, they never forgot Neptune's eighteen-hole Gulf curse.
Private Mod Note
Rollback Post to RevisionRollBack
I used to love the candy Nerds, but I stopped eating them when I realized that for me, it was basically cannibalism. -- Rob O'Reilly
A man appeared before St. Peter at the pearly gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "Once, on a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off biker boy or you'll answer to me!'"
St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"
"Just a couple minutes ago."