Q. What's better than winning in the special Olympics?
A. Having legs
---
Three pregnant women are sitting in the OB/GYN
waiting room, knitting little sweaters. After a while, one
of them reaches in her purse and takes a pill. The others
ask what she's taking.
"Vitamin C", she says, "I want to stay healthy for my
baby."
They continue knitting and after a while the second
woman reaches in her purse and takes a pill. The others
ask what she's taking.
"Iron", she says, "I want my baby to be big and strong."
They continue knitting and after a while the third
woman reaches in her purse and takes a pill. The others
ask what she's taking.
"Thalidomide", she says, "I just can't get these sleeves
even."
two nuns are sitting in the bathtub. One says, "Where's the soap?" and the second nun replies, "Yes, it is, isn't it."
Makes about as much sense as penguins.
What's the difference between a woman in church and a woman in the bathtub?
A woman in church has hope in her soul.
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his fly. The bartender asks him why he's got a steering wheel on his crotch, and the pirate says, "Arrrr, it's drivin' me nuts!"
Okay, I've been getting complaints about dead baby jokes, so they will no longer be tolerated. all dead baby jokes have been deleted. any further dead baby jokes will be deleted and the user infracted.
Private Mod Note
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"The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing."
A few terrible jokes are used in the Tiki Room at Disneyland, but it works there for some reason:
Michael: "I sing so beautiful, I should sing solo."
Jose: "Si, so low we can't hear you."
and
Pierre: "The boys in the back are called macaws-"
Jose: "Because of their caws?"
Pierre: "No, because they're macaws!"
And Fritz's "we're going to make you all disappear!" line for when the show's over and it's time to leave.
Also, I found a site called rinkworks that has a collection of 830 or so really bad jokes: link. They play up how bad it is, and after the copyright info about it being public domain, they say, "Neither I nor RinkWorks are liable if you keel over and die from reading these jokes."
Also, I found a site called rinkworks that has a collection of 830 or so really bad jokes: link. They play up how bad it is, and after the copyright info about it being public domain, they say, "Neither I nor RinkWorks are liable if you keel over and die from reading these jokes."
As for worst joke, I would have to say the "Green Golf Ball Joke". It is great when you alredy know it but it blows when it is the first time you here it told.
Once upon a time, there was a young boy, and this young boy was having
his 10th birthday. His father thinking that it was an important day for
his young lad, said to him, 'You can have anything that you want for
your birthday'.
The boy thought and thought. Finally, he said to his pop, "Dad, I want a
green golf ball." The man was surprised a bit, but decided to humour his son.
And so, the boy recieved 1 green golf ball for his 10th birthday.
On this boy's 13th birthday, when he hit his teens, the father once again
walked up to the boy, and told him what he had before. The boy thought. And
thought. Finally, he said, "Dad, I want 10 green golf balls." Now, the father
was slightly curious about this, and he almost asked his son why. But then he
decided that it was just youthfulness, and left it at that.
Upon graduating from High School, the boy was once again given that same
offer by his father. He thought and thought and thought. Finally, he went up
to his old man and said, "Dad, I want 100 green golf balls." Now, the father
was very curious about this, and asked his son, finally, why he wanted the
balls. The boy just said, "Dad! It's a secret!" The father backed down, and got
the boy his balls.
When the boy graduated from college, his father once again offered him anything
he wanted. Once again, the boy thought. Once again, the boy walked up to his
father. He said, "Dad, I want 1000 green golf balls." The father decided that
the boy knew how to live his life. But still he asked, "Why, son? Why do you
want these green golf balls?" And once again, the boy said,"It's a secret,
Dad!"
And then came the war. And the boy volunteered himself for his country. And
when he came back in one piece, his father said, "Son, I will get you anything
that you want!" And the boy thought. And thought. And he said, "Dad, I want
10,000 green golfballs." And the father could not hold back his question any
longer. "Why? Why, son? Why do you need these green golf balls?" And the son
looked at thim, and he said,"Dad, now, I told you that it was a secret. Please
don't make me tell you." And the father backed off.
The boy got married. His father walked up to him, and offered him anything he
would want on this joyous occasion. The boy thought and thought and thought.
And thought. And, finally, he said,"Dad... I want 100,000 green golf balls..."
And the father, keeping calm, asked why. Why the boy wanted so many green golf
balls. And all the boy could do was look at his father, and say,"It's a
secret." And the father kept silent.
Then, tragedy struck. There was a car accident. The boy was mortally injured.
And the father went to see the son in his final hour. And he asked his son if
there was anything he could get him. And the son whispered,"Father... Please
get me 1,000,000 green golf balls..." And the father almost wept. He said,"Son,
please tell me why you want these green golf balls..." And the son looked at
his father, and he said, "Alright, dad..."
And then he died.
This version is actually quite shorter then the one I hear and tell.
My friend has told me two of those kind of jokes, where the point is to waste your time. (Yeah, they do take ages longer than reading what you posted) I like them though.
Why didn't the skeleton go to the ball?
He had no-body to go with.
Why did the road kill the chicken?
"You've crossed me for the last time!"
One I got off wikipedia randomly during Maths: Why did the chicken cross the Moebius Strip? To get to the same side.
ok so 2 guys meet in an alley way.... the 1st guy gets money and the second guy gets a bag.... there's no joke here, I'm an Effing meth addict.... X.X that was the worst but for some reason still a little funny
So, e^x and a constant-value function are walking down the street, and they see a differential operator in the middle of the road.
(bored yet?)
The constant value function is very concerned (and with good reason!), but e^x relieves his fears and boldly approaches the differential operator, and says "Hi! My name is e^x."
The differential operator replied: "Nice to meet you. I'm d/dy."
Private Mod Note
():
Rollback Post to RevisionRollBack
DCI Certified Level 1 Judge
Remember, kids: Never fight with Flashback, 'cause Flashback always wins.
So, e^x and a constant-value function are walking down the street, and they see a differential operator in the middle of the road.
(bored yet?)
The constant value function is very concerned (and with good reason!), but e^x relieves his fears and boldly approaches the differential operator, and says "Hi! My name is e^x."
The differential operator replied: "Nice to meet you. I'm d/dy."
I get the feeling this would be hilarious if I got it. Care to explain it to us math-ignorant people?
So, e^x and a constant-value function are walking down the street, and they see a differential operator in the middle of the road.
(bored yet?)
The constant value function is very concerned (and with good reason!), but e^x relieves his fears and boldly approaches the differential operator, and says "Hi! My name is e^x."
The differential operator replied: "Nice to meet you. I'm d/dy."
I get the feeling this would be hilarious if I got it. Care to explain it to us math-ignorant people?
If you insist...
A differential acting on a constant-value function will give zero, while a differential function d/dx acting on e^x will give e^x, however d/dy acting on e^x also gives zero (as e^x is constant as y is varied).
So basically, constant value was scared because he would disappear, but e^x was bold because he knew he would be unchanged by the differential. What he didn't bargain on was being differentiated with respect to y.
I actually found this one in a joke book, so don't blame me for it's awfulness.
Why did the plane crash?
Because the pilot was a loaf of bread.
WINNER. Wow, I'm crying.
[/shameless]
------------------------------------------------
This one's from childhood:
So my mom once worked at a florist shop as a part-time job. She liked her job, and worked their on and off for five years. One day, a former monk opened a roadside floral arrangement stand to generate alms for the poor. Everyone liked to buy flowers from the Man of God, so his business became very big. My mom's best friend, her boss, became upset that her business was suffering because people felt compelled to buy from the monk. So she asked the monk to cut back hours or close down. The monk refused, and even hired several friars from the local diocese to aid his cause. The florist went to them and begged that they shut down. Again, he refused. So, my mom's best friend called her boyfriend Hugh Smith to help her. He went to the monk's roadside floral arrangement stand, beat all of the workers up, destroyed their flowers, trashed the stand, and said that if they did not close, he would be back. Well, very terrified, the monk closed up shop and hid in their rooms. This proved
that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
-------------------------------------------------
One I just copied:
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot his whole life, which created an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him frail, and with his odd diet, he suffered from very bad breath. This made him ....what?
A super-callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
A. Having legs
---
Three pregnant women are sitting in the OB/GYN
waiting room, knitting little sweaters. After a while, one
of them reaches in her purse and takes a pill. The others
ask what she's taking.
"Vitamin C", she says, "I want to stay healthy for my
baby."
They continue knitting and after a while the second
woman reaches in her purse and takes a pill. The others
ask what she's taking.
"Iron", she says, "I want my baby to be big and strong."
They continue knitting and after a while the third
woman reaches in her purse and takes a pill. The others
ask what she's taking.
"Thalidomide", she says, "I just can't get these sleeves
even."
How do you kill a red elephant?
How do you kill a blue elephant?
How do you kill a green elephant?
How do you kill a yellow elephant?
How do you kill a purple elephant?
How do you kill a pink elephant?
There's no such thing as pink elephants.
Sober up.
-Pharmalade: A lover of bad jokes.
Banner by Topher!
You are on an island with nothing but undercooked meat, overcooked chicken and an oar. What do you eat first?
Punchline
Penguins don't eat pancakes!
Huh?
Makes about as much sense as penguins.
What's the difference between a woman in church and a woman in the bathtub?
A woman in church has hope in her soul.
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his fly. The bartender asks him why he's got a steering wheel on his crotch, and the pirate says, "Arrrr, it's drivin' me nuts!"
Why did the plane crash?
Man 2: How does he smell?
Man 1: Terrible!
Currently offering 2 non-foil Kolighan's Command for a Date Stamped foil!
convert bulk into good cards? PucaTrade - https://pucatrade.com/invite/gift/21195
Ebay - decks/Promos/DVDs
Trade thread (constantly updated)
http://www.mtgsalvation.com/trading-post/details/337-pokerbob1s-casual-trading-emporium
My helpdesk should you need me.
Red fluff
What's blue and fluffy?
Red fluff holding its breath
Me: Call me a tea towel...
You: You're a tea towel
Me: :I lose my ****:
<snip>
Electron number 2: Are you sure?
Electron number 1: Yeah, I'm positive!!!
Haha. That's a knee-slapper.
Random AIM convo:
Xsaber57 (7:31:18 PM): Listen!
RedFalcon912 (7:31:26 PM): stfu Navi
-Cause they'll wash up on shore! Yaaargh!....so lame.....
How did the pirate quit smoking?
Michael: "I sing so beautiful, I should sing solo."
Jose: "Si, so low we can't hear you."
and
Pierre: "The boys in the back are called macaws-"
Jose: "Because of their caws?"
Pierre: "No, because they're macaws!"
And Fritz's "we're going to make you all disappear!" line for when the show's over and it's time to leave.
Also, I found a site called rinkworks that has a collection of 830 or so really bad jokes: link. They play up how bad it is, and after the copyright info about it being public domain, they say, "Neither I nor RinkWorks are liable if you keel over and die from reading these jokes."
Truly horrible. Truly. :rolleyes:......
....[Sid remembers some for future use].........
My friend has told me two of those kind of jokes, where the point is to waste your time. (Yeah, they do take ages longer than reading what you posted) I like them though.
Why didn't the skeleton go to the ball?
He had no-body to go with.
Why did the road kill the chicken?
"You've crossed me for the last time!"
One I got off wikipedia randomly during Maths:
Why did the chicken cross the Moebius Strip?
To get to the same side.
Bored? Watch this.
7
Are you confused yet?
Millionaires, I hear it's good Music (Disclaimer: lyrics not PG-13) Thanks, CC
Er... by showing him Gunhaven's sig?
If you want a sig as awesome as this, here's the place to get it: http://forums.mtgsalvation.com/showthread.php?t=182339
(bored yet?)
The constant value function is very concerned (and with good reason!), but e^x relieves his fears and boldly approaches the differential operator, and says "Hi! My name is e^x."
The differential operator replied: "Nice to meet you. I'm d/dy."
Remember, kids: Never fight with Flashback, 'cause Flashback always wins.
I get the feeling this would be hilarious if I got it. Care to explain it to us math-ignorant people?
Who's there?
Strawberry.
Strawberry who?
Strawberry Michael Jackson!!!"
I think you have to be five to get it.
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Winner of SSC 1 & ">3 & 6
In the spirit of that joke, I give you a classic
If you insist...
A differential acting on a constant-value function will give zero, while a differential function d/dx acting on e^x will give e^x, however d/dy acting on e^x also gives zero (as e^x is constant as y is varied).
So basically, constant value was scared because he would disappear, but e^x was bold because he knew he would be unchanged by the differential. What he didn't bargain on was being differentiated with respect to y.
*pauses for laughter*
[/shameless]
------------------------------------------------
This one's from childhood:
So my mom once worked at a florist shop as a part-time job. She liked her job, and worked their on and off for five years. One day, a former monk opened a roadside floral arrangement stand to generate alms for the poor. Everyone liked to buy flowers from the Man of God, so his business became very big. My mom's best friend, her boss, became upset that her business was suffering because people felt compelled to buy from the monk. So she asked the monk to cut back hours or close down. The monk refused, and even hired several friars from the local diocese to aid his cause. The florist went to them and begged that they shut down. Again, he refused. So, my mom's best friend called her boyfriend Hugh Smith to help her. He went to the monk's roadside floral arrangement stand, beat all of the workers up, destroyed their flowers, trashed the stand, and said that if they did not close, he would be back. Well, very terrified, the monk closed up shop and hid in their rooms. This proved
One I just copied:
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot his whole life, which created an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him frail, and with his odd diet, he suffered from very bad breath. This made him ....what?
Random Mafia 2 Town MVP
'08 MTGS Fantasy Football Overall Champion
Best Non-SK Neutral Performance (Individual)