~~> My Posts Updated: 4/29/06!<~~Go Read, it's the longest one yet! The Neverending Saga that is Mr. Fu's Cab Company lives!
If we had a real number (but we don't) it would be cool like 1-000-2RIDEFU, but since we don't, don't call that number. For best understanding of every post, read the entire thread over from the beginning. =)
For those of you who are newbies to the Fu Cab:
~Post a request for a ride! My company is a dispatch company, meaning you gotta call us, we ain't lookin' for you! Try to include
*where you are
*where you're going
*all other circumstances surrounding your ride (be creative!)
*You can tell your driver anything you want about anything.
I'll wait for posts to build up for a bit, then I'll fire up the v8 Supercharged Engine of the Jet Black Crown Victoria Cab From Neon Green Hell and get this party rolling!
~nobody said you had to say anything M:TG related, but go ahead if you like
~Know that posting a request for a ride does NOT mean you'll necessarily get one - but you'll always be involved somehow =)
~Your stories will all get mixed up, intertwined, and worse as I make them up based on your posts if you choose to be linear - but if you wanna be wacky, we can do that too! Stories that emerge from people's individual rides will ultimately get their own titles, in quotes even!
As an added bonus, you'll get (sometimes) CAB REALITY FACTOR: scale of 1 to 10, plus a little real life insight as I really do(EDIT: 'do' should be read as 'used to') drive a taxi for a living. Cab Fun Factor: My excuse to spam or comment. I mean, tell you how much fun your ride was. Numbered Rides So you can keep track of your favorites and have a little stat to sig. The cast: Name color = CB radio (for example, when I speak on the CB, it'll be blue.) Mr. Fu, a.k.a. 'The Fu': Proprietor and Ultra-Pope Messiah of Fu's Cab - The patient :eyeroll:, enigmatic and slick twenty-something who dispatches the 14-hour overnight shift day in and day out, unless he can't find a computer. Smitty: Real life demon on the road and off - his incredible abilities include brute strength, mechanical prowess, and being able to hear double entendres in any given statement. Easily identified by his amazing assortment of piercings, tattoos, and weapons. Dugout: Completely minor and extremely simple driver. Don't expect to see his color come up on the CB too often, and when you do, dread it. You'll see.
The cast, continued; the Passenger Logs Sorry cab fans from 'news - I don't have records like this for you. I feel more comfortable posting here, where I can expect the server to accept when I save edited posts about a billion percent more often.
Salubrious - 2 rides
agentdark -2 rides
Nemata - 1 ride
Fels_Anarchist - 1 ride
CorporateNoun - 1 ride
leonin_god -1 ride
The Fallen Evincar - 1 ride
GPM - 1 ride
Thoomor - 1 ride
Magikeeper - 1 "ride" (Titled Feature - 'The Feezy')
Twomz - 1 ride
swinkee - got screwed by my hiatus, and may have rotted to death at an airport, or gotten eaten by whatever he wanted me to bring crickets for
~In the beginning, there was nothing, which exploded.~ Fu's Cab - Retired! ||| Trade thread dead for now; returning soon! One day I will alt. art my Jace, The Mind Sculptors into 'Mentok! The Mind Takers!' Quotes
Quote from Magikeeper »
Mr. Fu, your leaving of MTGnews' humor forum killed it. KILLLED IT!
It was a dark and stormy night, and it still is. 4:30am is the pits.
I've got my monster of a vehicle parked in the local cemetary, because it's comfortable there and the phones work really well in that area. Unfortunately, it causes acute bladder disfunction whenever it rings here. *Ring* Argh!
Quote from Sultry Female Voice »
Hello Mr. Fu, remember me? Half and half for fifty? Oh yeah tonight is a good night, because tonight you get half and half for half...
er...hope nobody heard that. *ring* Argh again!
Quote from Probably GPM »
Hey Fu, my '81 Caprice Classic died outside of this bar called 'Adolf's' and there's a lot of bald white guys in leather here... and I'm wearing a baseball jersey that says 'Tupac' across it. For the love of God, please pick me up fast!
"Alright GP Man, don't panic. Ditch the shirt and start screaming about how much you love the Union Jack and I'll be there in less than four minutes."
Smitty, wanna see something funny?
sure
head down to Adolfs, gonna be a good whuppin' there
hehe, clear
I lean back in my cab and relax again. Another boring night.
CAB REALITY FACTOR: 7 out of 10
I ain't goin' in a skinhead bar for you or anybody!
CAB FUN FACTOR: eh, I bet some of you can come up with better rides than this. =)
~In the beginning, there was nothing, which exploded.~ Fu's Cab - Retired! ||| Trade thread dead for now; returning soon! One day I will alt. art my Jace, The Mind Sculptors into 'Mentok! The Mind Takers!' Quotes
Quote from Magikeeper »
Mr. Fu, your leaving of MTGnews' humor forum killed it. KILLLED IT!
The CabFu(tm) is idling in the dark behind a closed auto parts store, and the Fu Himself is staring at the CB Radio as the snow finally covers the last square inch of glass on the windshield, leaving him completely in the dark except for the cheery soft blue glow coming from his cellphone. Somewhere nearby, a deer pinches one off.
Open for a whole damn day and not a single freakin' customer. I shoulda placed a bigger ad. I hope this isn't one of the cities Smitty got arrested in...
Oh well, who cares. This place has eeeverything. Well, nearly everything. I still haven't found a toilet I'd utilize for #2. That deer knew what was up.
Anyways you hooligans,
I'M OPEN FOR BUSINESS!
*cough* *humble-izes himself*
~In the beginning, there was nothing, which exploded.~ Fu's Cab - Retired! ||| Trade thread dead for now; returning soon! One day I will alt. art my Jace, The Mind Sculptors into 'Mentok! The Mind Takers!' Quotes
Quote from Magikeeper »
Mr. Fu, your leaving of MTGnews' humor forum killed it. KILLLED IT!
Fu, I need a delivery done. Why in a cab? I need something... most people don't notice. Go to the pier and you'll see a man in a tall overcoat, able only to say the word "tan". He will give you a package. Do NOT open it! After you've recieved the package, drive to the "abandoned" warehouse and leave it there. Do not be worried by any explosions you might hear- it's all in your head. $10,000 will be waiting for you if you re- when you return. Now get going!
Private Mod Note
():
Rollback Post to RevisionRollBack
By kingcobweb and Goblinboy.
Official Elitist of [thread=40859][RBS][/thread]
Quote from kingcobweb »
I don't understand the purpose of gimmick accounts.
Walks out from Seedy strip joint
Mr.FU remeber me
From the gunshop and the Nightclub
Has a long package in arm,I need you to take me to a building across from the District attorneys office.Give you 600$ and voucher for a lap dance at this club If you come back to the building tommorow round 10.00 .
Private Mod Note
():
Rollback Post to RevisionRollBack
Nyarlathotep must all things be told
for he is the messenger between the spheres
and the traveler between the realms of the living and the dead.
He shall summon forth the ancient ones
and wake them from their deathly slumber
then shall the elder signs be shattered. Trade Thread
Salubrious's 1st Ride
I'm sitting at home, idly throwing knives into a target on the opposite wall, listening to my cd's and generally just having a relaxing time when the phone rings.
Quote from Salubrious »
Fu, I need a delivery done. Why in a cab? I need something... most people don't notice. Go to the pier and you'll see a man in a tall overcoat, able only to say the word "tan". He will give you a package. Do NOT open it! After you've recieved the package, drive to the "abandoned" warehouse and leave it there. Do not be worried by any explosions you might hear- it's all in your head. $10,000 will be waiting for you if you re- when you return. Now get going!
I simply hang up without a word, run full tilt into my kitchen, where I crash into this huge rotating disk. After a few embarrassingly personal moments, my save is complete and I tear out of the house... er.. wait, I accidently ran into the closet. I always do this! *changes clothes into full cabby gear* There we go... now back into the hallway, and out... argh, the closet again!
Ten minutes later I've made it out of my house safely. I walk up to my garage, which opens after sensing my presence, and there's the Cab-Fu, shiny, started, and roarin' ready to go. I hop in, oddly not stopping to wonder about why the engine was on or why I suddenly had an Uzi on the passenger seat up front, and leave for the pier.
On the way, I slam the Cab-Fu full tilt into a police car while going 110mph through a red light.
Miraculously, the car I hit just bounced down the street a bit before turning it's sirens off and coming after me! Without stopping to check if I've been hurt, I tear off for the pier again... oh no, now there's a lot of cop cars, and they keep ramming me! Dammit, I just had the Fu-mobile fixed! Oh my God I'm on fire! My car's on fire! I can't get out, I'm too close to the wall, I can't...
B-O-O-M-!
I open my eyes to find I'm standing outside the hospital, without my arsenal, money, or... MY CAB!!!!!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!.....*!
*********************************************************
Opening my eyes, I'm staring at the ceiling above my bed at home. I sit up, in shock and wondering if I'm going crazy, and seriously do begin gibbering a bit when I see a note on the table (pier, bomb, 10g's). Oh yeah, I remember writing that! It was right after Salubrious called, and I... died.
What's happening to me?!
Going outside, I discover my cab is in my garage again, again it's started, again I have no reasonable explanation... in a daze, I drive slowly to my destination, trying to avoid my fate from last time. As I pull around a warehouse building to approach the docks, I see the lone man in the distance, staring off into the water. I can't help but see him. There's a glowing blue arrow pointing down at him hovering a foot above his head! Holy crap what a weirdo! I get out of the cab and run full tilt into him, and hear him grunt, "T-T-Tan" as I toppled him over. I stood there a moment looking down on him as he stared at me in amazement, then I looked down into my hands and I was holding a huge box. I have no idea where it came from, and think I've officially lost my mind.
I get back in the car, and put a little red dot over the spot on my map that shows where this warehouse is. I drive there, slowly and as if hypnotized, deliver the package, and drive up to Salubrious's to collect my money. As I approach his door, I hear this awesome hip-hop beat and a weird weight was lifted off my heart! In a moment it was gone, but I haven't even touched Sal's door... and there's suddenly 10,000 dollars more in my bank account.
This is too much, I'm getting dizzy... I stared forward, switched from my knife to brass knuckles, and then stumbled left, then backwards, then right, then forwards... and the whole thing again. Out of NOWHERE I'm buried completely in weapons, have a kevlar bullet-proof jacket on, feel like a million bucks and have about that much lying around, too. I gather as much as I can into my trunk and front seat and drive off, humming to myself. My way takes me through the red light district for a few blocks, and I spot one of my regular customers flagging me down from the 'Sex Shooter' Saloon while I'm looking for hot hookers. Agentdark's 1st Ride
Quote from Agentdark »
Mr. Fu remember me? I need you to take me to a building across from the district attorney's office. Give you 600$ and voucher for a lap dance at this club if you come back to the building around 10:00 tomorrow.
"Yeah okay, hop in. Make sure the safety is on for your flowers."
As I'm driving, Agentdark is really annoying me, telling me 'drive faster' 'look out' and 'do you know where you're even going?' I'm already so unstable from the days' events that I pick up the uzi... I picked it up and... I ... I ...I shot him right in the face! God, what have I...*
I open my eyes again to see him standing in front of me, and I'm sitting in my cab at the Sex Shooter again. Before I can even freak out he says, 'now lets drive really fast!'
Completely over the deep end now, I smile dreamily and say, "As you wish."
The sound of the motor revving only barely drowned out agentdark's screams as I made the air blur with my speed, occasionally barreling through people, cars, hot dog stands... I have no sense of reality anymore, I have nothing to live for in a world where I've already died... I'm taking us over that stairway!
Agentdark takes a deep breath and screams anew as I hit this 45 degree angle staircase with my left-hand tires only, and become airborn. The car does a perfect 360 flip right back onto it's wheels on the freeway. I come to a stop, breathing heavily, and chance a glance back at agentdark - just as I suspected, he's unconscious in a pool of his own urine. His destination is right across the street, maybe I should just take him there and hope he pays me anyways...
"Excuuuuuse me young man, are you the driver of this vehicle?" asked a voice oozing with breeding and years of being rich.
"Uh... yes I am."
The man appeared in my vision, along with a host of other rich-looking snobs. He spoke again:
"I'm from the Consortium of RRRRRich People, and it would be my personal honor to present you with this check for 527 dollars for that INSAAAANE stunt you just pulled off. Thank you and you're welcome!"
The man and his friends were gone. My mind completely shattered, I push agentdark's prone body out of the cab, drive a safe distance away from where I landed, parked, and I curl into a fetal ball, where I intend to weep for the next several days.
CAB REALITY FACTOR (for both of you): Big fat zero. CAB FUN FACTOR: eh.
Listen up and listen good, freaks. All posts on my thread of this nature sort of annoy me. I drive a cab in the real world and hear people joke about things like going somewhere to kill someone or blowing up buildings. You all suffer from GTAitis - Just because I drive a cab doesn't mean I enjoy being an accessory to crimes. So please, try to make your posts sound less like Grand Theft Auto missions. Having any of that really happen would damage the Fu's psyche greatly, plus... how dare you bastards put the Cab-Fu in danger.
~In the beginning, there was nothing, which exploded.~ Fu's Cab - Retired! ||| Trade thread dead for now; returning soon! One day I will alt. art my Jace, The Mind Sculptors into 'Mentok! The Mind Takers!' Quotes
Quote from Magikeeper »
Mr. Fu, your leaving of MTGnews' humor forum killed it. KILLLED IT!
Mr Fu....can you pick me up at the corner of 27th and Madison. I'm calling from a payphone. I'm...uh......well....you see.....umm......I was with my girlfriend and well...her husband came home early. I had to split quick. So down the fire escape I went. But...I'm....ah.....well, I'm in my skivvies. And it's pretty damn cold out here. When I get to my place I can pay in full plus an extra $50.
Private Mod Note
():
Rollback Post to RevisionRollBack
Verdan[T] [T]utor of the Causal[T]ies
Quote from The Fallen Evincar »
You know, I'm pretty sure if there was ever a sex tape of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt that got leaked to the public, watching it would cure people of cancer. I'm ****ing serious. Either that or make their eyes bleed for they have seen the true face of God.
Hey fu. How goes it? You dont want to speak with me?? Why not?? You say the last time you trusted me I ended up doing what?? No that certanly was not me. You see I have this brother who likes to pretend he's me. He looks just like me. He's a mumbeling little speaker too, unlike me. So yes, do trust me fu. *rubs hands together w/ a nice chuckle. I wasn't laughing...shush now. I need a ride to the golden saucer. It does so exist!! What'a ya say??
Hey, can you take me to Main St.? The monkeys are my pets, don't worry, they're well train-- Bobo, stop that! No! NO! NOT ON THE SEAT!........I hope that wasn't leather.
Good evening and 'sup' to you, denizens of the night. The oil has been checked, the brake fluid re-upped, the windshield wipers replaced, and a classy middle-finger shaped air freshener hangs gaily from the rearview mirror. It's time for another night of mischief and ignoring traffic laws.
It's snowing out, but it's early January - it's the kinda snow the city is completely used to at this point in the year, so the roads are pretty easy going for the most part. There's people walking up and down the streets despite it being nearly midnight, couples walking home from the local dives and kids meeting up after curfew There's a hint of spring in the air, as it's only cold enough to make it snow - people are getting frisky. Reeow. Nemata's 1st Ride
Shortly after midnight, Smitty is speaking to me in code on the radio, trying to avoid the ire of either the boss or the FCC.
Dude, you'll never believe what just happened
I'm on the phone with a comely lass, so I roll my eyes and grab the mic.
Hrm *continues chatting with whatsherface*
I just totally... her and her aunt! But her aunt went home... the phone didn't ring, and... dude, where are you standing by?
Nowhere yet, stop saying 'dude'.
She was... you're going to hate me. Meet me at First Hole.
Okay, I'll be there in *dispatch phone rings* uhh, hold on
Quote from Nemata »
Mr Fu....can you pick me up at the corner of 27th and Madison. I'm calling from a payphone. I'm...uh......well....you see.....umm......I was with my girlfriend and well...her husband came home early. I had to split quick. So down the fire escape I went. But...I'm....ah.....well, I'm in my skivvies. And it's pretty damn cold out here. When I get to my place I can pay in full plus an extra $50.
"Jeez, that's a good ten minutes away. I hope you're at least in a booth. Look mac I'll get there as quick as I can for you, let's hang up so I can put the plastic down on the seat." The Cab-Fu Explodes Into Action! Times like this when my wheels are spinning in the grey slush and there's somebody more or less naked desperate for my help, I really wish I had some kinda cab smily icon dealie. It'd make describing taking off in a burnout a lot less time consuming and save me the trouble of trying to describe it differently each time, and the trouble of a run-on sentence to complain about having to describe it at all.
On the way to this intersection, I see things like neon-lit hearts and 'HAPPY VALENTINES DAY' splattered like so many entrails in pink and red all over the windows of the local shops and chain stores. It makes me so nauseated. It's beautiful if you got somebody and wanna kiss up or something, but if you pay nine bucks for a tiny stuffed animal holding a tube of mini 'All Pink, Red, and White for the Holiday!' M&M's for somebody instead of getting 4lbs. of candy, you deserve to get egged by your Valentine's elder brothers or sisters as you approach their house for your date.
Speaking of dates, I see the guy. Wow, he must really be cold, he's not wearing clothes yet he looks like Captain America.
*pulls up to the bush I see an arse petruding from* "Yo Nemata! Get in the car, I got the heat all cranked up and some old Inquests for you to sit on!"
*he hops in, shivering... I hand him my spare flannel to cover his shame*
"So, the man showed up. Tough break pal. You manage to get all your essentials before you bailed? No? Bummer. He'll probably use any hair he finds in his bed to cast spells on you. Oh you didn't know? That guy is some kinda warlock. I wouldn't worry too much though, last guy he caught still has most of their skin left. Your generous extra fifty covers the cost of my K-Mart flannel, so by all means keep it, wouldn't want your frostbitten junk on my conscience. Have a good night!"
CAB REALITY FACTOR: 6 out of 10 - In my town I can see this happenin'
CAB FUN FACTOR:
I'm a good cabbie in many ways, one of them being a clean car. Never worry about sitting in anyone else's arsesweat if you're riding with the Fu. I spray that stuff with expensive cleaner and use a long brush to clean it twice a shift. Sometimes people'll leave a roach on the seat or a butt on the floor, but other than that, expect a nice, hygeinic ride. Also, I really would give the flannel pro bono publico.
It's about an hour later, and I'm cruisin' the clubs. I'm seeing all sorts out tonight - my kinda night. I almost wept in a rare moment of pride in my country, witnessing a young lesbian couple, one white girl and one black girl, having pleasant conversation with an elderly married white straight couple at a bus stop near the coffee shop. There are some out there still trying to 'be a part of the Melting Pot'. Isn't that sweet?
Thanks to all that distracting niceness I just nailed a bus stop sign and popped a tire. Naturally, this is when the phone chose to ring...
just as the first ring ended, a whelp materalized four feet behind me.
Quote from kaabak »
heh, Mr. Fu can you give me a ride to the toystore?
"It's closed you nitwit, it's 4am! Hang on a second and I'll hear you out."
*answers the phone*
Quote from Fels_Anarchist »
Hey fu. How goes it? You dont want to speak with me?? Why not?? You say the last time you trusted me I ended up doing what?? No that certanly was not me. You see I have this brother who likes to pretend he's me. He looks just like me. He's a mumbeling little speaker too, unlike me. So yes, do trust me fu. *rubs hands together w/ a nice chuckle. I wasn't laughing...shush now. I need a ride to the golden saucer. It does so exist!! What'a ya say??
"I say... what the hell ever, I blew a tire, Smitty's getting you. Be watchin' for him, because he'll kick your door in if necessary." *click*
As I'm cussing my way through searching my trunk for a tire iron, kaabak is explaining to me that he just had a small windfall and is looking to buy out the toystore's supply of Mirrodin. I smile and nod as best I can, kneeling on the newspaper I'd intended to read on the slush so I can lift the filthy tire off and replace it with the spare... as I'm trying to put it on, kaabak hops in the car, and must have started humping the seat because it rocked off of the jack just as I finished getting the bolts on, nearly crushing three of my toes.
I'll now switch to the Smitty-Cam... if you've been paying attention you've heard we recently visited the flea market, and now possess some intimidating weapons... *cocks his crossbow* I'll deal with this, and Smitty will deal with his. Fels_Anarchist's 1st Ride
*watches the guy get in Smitty's cab, and smirks at the look on his face when Smitty delivers his classic, 'Money now or bloody now' line*
kaabak asks, "who's that?"
I say, "Oh, some bugger who duct taped me to an airplane once."
kaabak asks, "No, the driver, what's his name?"
I say, "Smitty"
kaabak asks, "Does the-" *he stopped short as he felt a mild prick of a crossbow at the tip of his nose*
I say, "-crossbow have a safety? I dunno. Wanna find out? Shut up and watch" *puts the crossbow down*
Everything on the Smitty-Cam seems to be alright, the guy in the backseat is white-knuckling the door, so Smitty's up to his usual speed...theres the money...
*blinks in surprise*
I say, "Whoa."
kaabak asks, "Holy moly did he just beam away like Star Trek after handing Smitty the money?"
I say, "Yes he did."
kaabak asks, "Will this Mudhole be enough to pay for the ride to the toystore?"
I say, "Of course not, and why the hell do you want to go, it's 4am, the place is closed!"
*kaabak considered this as Smitty poked the air in his backseat with his nunchukus in wonder*
kaabak kicked me in the shin, then turned and ran as quarrels rained down around him.
CAB REALITY FACTOR: 1 out of 10 -as likely as Justin Timberlake, Texas Ranger... but I really do have a crossbow
CAB FUN FACTOR: :mad2::mad2::mad2:
These new smilies are the bomb diggity.
To date, I have not been offered MTG for a ride yet. Anybody wants to cough up a Ex-Nm Unl Mox, it'll get you from Buffalo to Toronto.
If someone who scares me or just plain bothers me calls my company and I have the phones, there's no way I'm gunna go get em. That's what other drivers are for.
After four hours of driving around the neighborhood looking for that kaabak kid, the sun is starting to come up. A guy with a buncha howler monkeys on leashes hails me.
Quote from Einsteinmonkey »
Hey, can you take me to Main St.?
Slowing to about 10mph, I shout to him, "No monkeys in the cab bro" and then continue driving.
CAB REALITY FACTOR: 9 out of 10 - Woulda been a 10 if it woulda been any animal I've actually had in the car (thus far, that'd only be dogs and boa constrictors).
CAB FUN FACTOR: Neener!
I do not brake for monkeys. I will never brake for monkeys. If possible, I will run over monkeys. Critters that can peg a cat at 50 yards with a turd are just not trustworthy.
I'm going home for the night. I need to rest up for those busy nights ahead. Enjoy your break, because I'll be back before you're done stretchin'!
~In the beginning, there was nothing, which exploded.~ Fu's Cab - Retired! ||| Trade thread dead for now; returning soon! One day I will alt. art my Jace, The Mind Sculptors into 'Mentok! The Mind Takers!' Quotes
Quote from Magikeeper »
Mr. Fu, your leaving of MTGnews' humor forum killed it. KILLLED IT!
Fu, drive me home, I feel really si-:puke: Sorry... *gets in cab* I live about 15 minutes away from here and I-:puke: Sorry... Why did I eat from that dumpster? Why!! Anyway, thanks for picking me up, I really apprecia-:puke:
Sorry.
Private Mod Note
():
Rollback Post to RevisionRollBack
By kingcobweb and Goblinboy.
Official Elitist of [thread=40859][RBS][/thread]
Quote from kingcobweb »
I don't understand the purpose of gimmick accounts.
Okay, Fu, you still have my 17-legged monkey-poodle-balloon thingy, and I'll pay $80 if you give it back. Oh, and I need you to drop me off at the [Insert Professional-Sounding Skyscraper Building]. My uncle Dwiezel is there and I need to bum some money off him.
Heyyyyyyy man ,Dude I gotta like go like there man.... If you take me there..I'll give you some weed mann,Dude do you like weed cause weed is cool.
Private Mod Note
():
Rollback Post to RevisionRollBack
Nyarlathotep must all things be told
for he is the messenger between the spheres
and the traveler between the realms of the living and the dead.
He shall summon forth the ancient ones
and wake them from their deathly slumber
then shall the elder signs be shattered. Trade Thread
*thick scottish accent* Allo thurr stranger! I need yoo to take meh to theh airporrt, i've got a big meeetin' wit' the queen, thanks meht *coughs and inadvertently switches on James Bond theme music kept in his shoe*... oh errr...you should prolly ignorre thaat. :smile2:
Every once in a while, the world spins off it's axle slightly and dips us into one of those evenings we like to think of as 'damn weird nights' or 'twilight zone freaky'. Had I known tonight would be like that, I would have donated my organs early and cashed out. Smitty called in sick tonight, something about 'the man' and 'gawddamn exhaust system had to freaking go' combined with 'I'm spackling the edges of the bowl every time' was enough for me to tell him to stay home. I had to call in Dugout Dave, an alternate driver who is completely boring. He'll take all the stuff I wouldn't touch with a ten-foot Fu Pole this evening.
The Cab-Fu is covered in the filth of the streets, salt and grime and dirt and possibly cat... I can't be pickin' up passengers looking like this! It's off to one of my favorite places on earth, the automatic carwash.
This thing is great, man. It's just a garage tucked behind a gas station that you stuff 6 bucks into a machine out front and just pull your vehicle in, and all these fancylad robotic arms and nozzles wash the hell out of your car. The best part is, there's no cameras or windows, so I can do more or less whatever I want in there. I'm in there doing whatever I want in the company of a comely lass when some lame-o up and had to call.
Quote from gerg »
Hey Mr. Fu.... I'm Phoneman!!! Your local superhero!!! I mean, you must be my biggest fan! What... y-y-you've never heard of me??? Are you sure? I mean, a cat I got down from the tree with my powers to phone anyone in the world at anytime with no relevance to the situation was in the local newspaper a week ago.... You're sure? Really sure that you do not know who the heck I am?? Fine, fine *lousy advertising*. Look, I'm being hunted by the Space Invaders. Those stupid little pre 8-bit creations tore through that tank like there was no tomorrow... And now they're on to me! No don't hang up!!! Don't HANG UP!!.... *an awkward silence*
About halfway through this tirade of nonsense I dropped the phone on the floor and continued with my dirty carwash business. As the garage doors were opening and we were readjusting the seat cushions, the Phoneman recalleth.
Hey Mr. Fu, old buddy, old pal. My powers came quite in handy there didn't they? You must have got sidetracked or something earlier on, right? Look, I'm in the arcade. Just get me anywhere away from the Space Invaders and I swear InvisiGirl will be waiting for you when you get home... Please??
"THE Arcade? Was that a capital A, please? Well, what the hell ever pal, I don't even know where there's a single arcade open at this hour. You're obviously confused. I suggest you have a half dozen more beers and then drive home." *click* At this point my copilot decided to tell me I was being a meanie-head, so I dropped her off at home and told her never to bother the Fu again. She'll be calling in a day or two most likely. Now that all this silliness is over, maybe I can make some money. I was barely able to pay the paperboy this week, and he's got a crowbar that he's given a first name. Gulp.
The Cab-Fu, now shinier than every bald man's head at noon put together, practically whinnied with delight or severe transmission problems as it plowed through melting slush, sliding from lane to lane with ease and poise - as I pulled up to a pale looking Salubrious on the corner, the car was already twice as dirty as it was before I washed it. Bah.
Quote from Salubrious »
Fu, drive me home, I feel really si-:puke:
*the air is filled with the scent of burning tires and vomit as Fu speeds away*
CAB REALITY FACTOR: 10 out of 10
It's a $30 dollar charge for each vomit that takes place within the cab in my company... but I'll be DAMNED if anyone's making me clean puke, not even for 30 bucks a barf. You walk until you have a proper puke-bag, you puke-bags!
Waaaaah, I'm never gunna make any money tonight, waaaaaaaah! Two fares and two voids, waaaaaaaaaah! There's sand in my va- wait, the phone's ringin'!
Quote from CorporateNoun »
Okay, Fu, you still have my 17-legged monkey-poodle-balloon thingy, and I'll pay $80 if you give it back. Oh, and I need you to drop me off at the [Insert Professional-Sounding Skyscraper Building]. My uncle Dwiezel is there and I need to bum some money off him.
"I don't have your bloody mutant dogmonkey, you took it with you, I remember because it gave me the finger AND waggled it's nadgers at me from your shoulder. I can drop you off at the Willie Cotton Community Center...scraper no problem, I'm gunna axe your uncle if you bone me on this fare!" *click*
~~~nanananananananaCAB FU! nanananananananananananaCAB FU!~~~
(stereotypical banter)So I'm drivin', right, and there's these two hot babes in the car next to me, ya know, so I rolls my window down and says 'yo girls ever had kinky love with a cabbie before' and they said 'yeah all the time' so I said 'damn, gross' and drove off, cuz I don't wanna think about what they look like up on other cabbies and whatnot, 'kna-mean? Oh, there's what's his face.(/banter) CorporateNoun's 1st Ride Nice to see old regulars in town =)
*pulls up to the curb, CN gets in* "What up dawgmonkey lover. No I tole you, I don't got your freakin' demon wombat critter, it musta slunk off on ya. It's none of my business what your pets do on their days off. What do you mean it isn't a pet, it lives in a cage, you feed it, it's a pet, right? It's MORE than a pet? What, does it do your taxes or something? Damn, you don't say. Well thanks for being my only paying customer tonight *Uncle Dweeze was outside waitin', grinnin and wavin' Benjamins*, hope you find your monster. Night skeezy!"
CAB REALITY FACTOR: 8 outta 10
Had to toss that in there, get a lot of 'money on the other end' runs. I hate them a lot, because most of the time they don't tip. The people paying you didn't get the nice courteous ride, so they don't care. What I do now, once I find out I'm getting cash on the other end from someone who isn't in the car, is treat the fare like crap and mouth off and everything. I'm not getting a tip anyways, right? Eff 'em!
After a Mt. Dew and cig stop I was tapped for spending cash again. Now the phone will ring simply to taunt me.
Quote from agentdark »
Heyyyyyyy man ,Dude I gotta like go like there man.... If you take me there..I'll give you some weed mann,Dude do you like weed cause weed is cool.
See what I mean?
"Dude, I know, it's like... totally there, I mean like you're there, but you aren't really? It's really weird, man like I think with the weed, and with the cool, there's always the there, and in the end, that's all that matters right? I mean, you're so right, dude. And you're there. Uh huh. I'll see ya."
*hangs up, annoyed*
I'm reading a rather excellent novel, it's the 2nd in the Thomas Covenant series by uhh *checks* something Donaldson, it's really good... wish I wasn't 250 pages into it just reading tonight... *crunches the pages in frustration when low and behold...* leonin_god's 1st Ride
Quote from leonin_god »
*thick scottish accent* Allo thurr stranger! I need yoo to take meh to theh airporrt, i've got a big meeetin' wit' the queen, thanks meht *coughs and inadvertently switches on James Bond theme music kept in his shoe*... oh errr...you should prolly ignorre thaat.
"...okay you're at the hotel, right? Cool, be there very shortly." *click* This should be fun.
This mad Scottish guy hardly says a word in the cab, but when he does, every single word drips with a bit of meade, rolling each R with an ease that made me wonder if he'd gargled gravel as a child. He told a brief story about pinching the rears of the lassie attendants on yon flight before parting with a fair tip and a tip of his hat.
CAB REALITY FACTOR: 1 out of 10
This happened to me once; I picked up an elderly Scottish couple at an Outback Steakhouse and took them to their hotel, and it was truly fascinating to hear their perspective on Buffalo. They thought Niagara Falls was the most amazing thing, thought the Bills 'look glorious on that field o' yers' and considered everybody here they met their friend. It was hard not to ask them to take me home and re-raise me.
Well I didn't make a hell of alot tonight, but that's okay - I've slacked off, and have a ton of orders backed up for the next installment - and Smitty's gunna be aching for his medicines if he doesn't keep his flow up, so he'll be back... only 1 request for a song on the next CD so far, and I expected 3 from each of you, and to approve 1-2 from each or something. Y'all are so non-proactive. For real! Face!
~ Fu-ton, unfolds to lay down ~
~ Now Playing In the Cab-Fu: CD-R MIX Fu-1
1. Voices - Disturbed
2. Black Betty - The Ram Jam
3. Pressure - Skindred
4. Shedding Skin - Pantera
5. Hardest Button to Button - The White Stripes
6. From This Day - Machinehead
7. Achilles' Last Stand - Led Zeppelin
8. Carry On - Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young
9. Opiate - Tool
10. Theme from the anime "X"
11. Roses - Outkast
12. Touch Me I'm Sick - Mudhoney
13. In The Still of the Night - Whitesnake
14. Live Forever - Oasis
15. Happiness is A Warm Gun - The Beatles
16. To The Limit - Strongbad Sings
17. Crosstown Traffic - Jimi Hendrix
18. I Hope That I Don't Fall In Love With You - Hootie and the Blowfish Unplugged
19. Sway - Coal Chamber
20. Jesus Christ Pose - Soundgarden
21. Going Back To Cali - L.L. Cool J
22. I Hope You Die - The Bloodhound Gang
23. Happy Pills - Candlebox
~In the beginning, there was nothing, which exploded.~ Fu's Cab - Retired! ||| Trade thread dead for now; returning soon! One day I will alt. art my Jace, The Mind Sculptors into 'Mentok! The Mind Takers!' Quotes
Quote from Magikeeper »
Mr. Fu, your leaving of MTGnews' humor forum killed it. KILLLED IT!
Heyo!!! It's me, your good pal GPM. Gimme a ride to the 24 hour restaurant across town. Come with me and whatever you order is on the house. Though make it reasonable; no buying the "100 pancake delight". Thanks im at the gas station near the cemetary. Cya soon.
TFE stops at the curb, in his cardboard robot costume. It is a fearsome sight, possibly made by a two year old. Basically, his upper torso is encased in a cardboard box, complete with a lime green crayon-drawn display screen that reads, "Eva Unit 01, Activate!". His arms are immobile as well, wrapped in tin foil to complete his kickass Evangelion costume. He speaks into a hands-off cell phone, with a microphone taped onto his face, first dialing Mr. Fu's cab service.
"Hell..oh...I...am...Robot...TFE...I...need...a...ride...to...the...Evangelion...Evangelion...Evangelion...Evangelion...err...sorry...Evangelion Anime Expo...crzzzt".
Robo-TFE awkwardly shuffled into the middle of the street, waiting for his cab, while lugging an extension cord sticking out of his ass.
"I...will...need...an...outlet...to...plug...myself...into...thankyougoodbye."
(Yet another member of the TFE Mythology shows up to Fu, first Dr. TFE, then Classic TFE, now Robo-TFE. And sweet cab music too! I love "X" and Zeppelin doesn't hurt either. :))
:: huff :: :: huff :: :: huff :: (In hastend breaths) Mr. Fu im on my cell right now I need you to pick me up FAST. Im being chased by 100 rabbid bunnys from hell, and there gaining fast!! ::huff :: :: huff :: Im on the corner of Main and 22nd and I just turned down 22nd. Hurry there gaining on me!! :: huff :: If you pick me up and get me out of here I will make it worth your time!! :: click! ::
"Hmmmm....how can I get Fu to finally give me a ride" He said while sitting on a park bench. "I dont know why he cant trust me *little giggle*. I just saw some guy in a robot suit call him for a ride. I bet he gets one. Last time it wasn't Fu, that's not good, NO GOOD AT ALL! That smitty fellow seemd a little violent."
He raises up from the park bench to walk around and think how he can get a ride. As he walks by the pay phone he sees a random man walking down the side walk. He pulls a random object from his pocket that seems to be a pen. He grabs the guy and sticks the pen to his back and pushes him to the payphone.
"Alright Call Mr. FU's Cab service and tell him you need a ride, NOW!"
"But why I dont need a.. *Pen starts to ram in his back* alright i'll call him"
"Mwahahah, yes you will, YES YOU WILL. Tell him to pick you up here you'll be wearing a coat, scarf, and hat, and will not be able to see your face. Just tell him your cold. And make sure it's him. That smitty fellow wont do."
"Ok OK. Mr Fu. Hi I need a ride. Im at the park in middleton. Please hurry"
"YES, YES hur...oh shoot..hang up the phone will ya. Thanks. YES YES, HURRY MR. FU, HURRY! MWahahahah"
Uh, is this Mr. Fu's? Uh, tell me, do your cabs have a Fission-Based Space-Time Continnum distorter built in? I need a ride to the Gkkharlk dimension... They don't? Oh well then just drive me to the nearest warp matrix... You don't know where that is? YOU CALL YOURSELF A CAB DRIVER??? *hangs up*
Mr. Fu? I recently opened the Gates of Hell... Thing is, 100 Rabid Bunnies and an :evilbaby: came out. I need someone to pick up the :evilbaby: and bring it back to Hell before it consumes enough souls to conquer the world. Oh, don't worry, it won't consume your soul... if you get it back in 20 minutes...
End lunatic calls (thank god)
Sane call:
Mr. Fu... I'm on the corner of Main st. and that street where the name on the sign has faded away. I need a ride to I-can't-think-up-good-street-names st. No nasty surprises like monkeys or uzis, and cash to pay for the trip.
Private Mod Note
():
Rollback Post to RevisionRollBack
:oYOU ARE SURPRISED AND KILLED BY A SIG! IT QUICKLY SHREDS YOUR SANITY AND DEVOURS YOU:o
Says in thick Russian accent
Mr.Fu I have important buissness in the dock area tonight I need you to take me their ,wait and then take me to the airport .
I am in front of Hilton If you come immeditly I will give you an extra 100$ .
Private Mod Note
():
Rollback Post to RevisionRollBack
Nyarlathotep must all things be told
for he is the messenger between the spheres
and the traveler between the realms of the living and the dead.
He shall summon forth the ancient ones
and wake them from their deathly slumber
then shall the elder signs be shattered. Trade Thread
Hey,uhhh Mr. Fu. i need a ride uhh to class , i uhh slept um in ....... I uh forgort my cash so could we stop at the bank ..... oh yeah and coffee i need some coffee, did you want some? So how are the kids , dammit i cant find my debit card let me uhh search uhhh ok then, so how about this weather??? man....... i dunno anymore uhh yeah ... ok then i'm at the corner of maine and uhhh 15th by the way ... i want a burito lets get mexican to ... yeah that will uhh work .... mmm OK ?
Hello again folks. Nobody say anything... shhhhhh! Look over there.
*The Fu points across the parking lot towards the rear corner, where a dumpster is half obscuring a small white car* That car's been rocking for about half an hour. Watch this.
*Mr. Fu slams on the gas, spinning the tires as he flies out of his parking spot towards the humpers. Putting on the headlights, he sees two heads snap around to look at the source of the light, then panic as they see it's coming towards them fast. Fu lays on the horn and leans out the window, screaming, "GIT 'ER DONE!" at them and watches in hysterics as both parties struggle back into their pants.*
Oh man, that was awesome... I'm so damn cool! Uh oh...
*notices the woman getting out of the car and smoothing her dress is gorgeous, and then notices that the man who couldn't get his pants on fast enough was Smitty, and he's beside himself*
~the phone rings!~
"Smitty! Don't kill me! Please! Finish up here and uhhh *withers under the gorgeous woman's glare at that* and then get whatever this order is!" *answers*
Quote from GPM »
Heyo!!! It's me, your good pal GPM. Gimme a ride to the 24 hour restaurant across town. Come with me and whatever you order is on the house. Though make it reasonable; no buying the "100 pancake delight". Thanks im at the gas station near the cemetary. Cya soon.
"Dude, Smitty loves pancakes man! He's coming to get ya. I'd love to join ya's, but we're mad busy. *hangs up and turns back to Smitty, who's rolling up his sleeves and advancing still* Free pancakes man! Good regular, good tipper! You want it? Smitty? Dude, come on, it was funny! It was
~thwack....thud~
When I awoke, it was on the cold icy surface of the City Hall parking lot, where I had been standing up until recently, apparently. Smitty's belevolent face appeared above me smiling, and he said, "Ya prick... we're square now" and helped me up. I told him about GPM, and he was on his way before I could stagger back into my car. I get in, drive to the Gas Blast where my boy Ozzy Mac works, and have him hook me up with some ice for my eye. Meanwhile, business is gettin' steady. Glad Dugout AND Smitty are in tonight, else I wouldn't be able to cover anything.
~phone rings, Fu answers!~
"Ha! Okay robo-TFE, you're on. See you soon." *click*
I suppose I can head towards that, it's not due for ten minutes... *looks around* Wow. Check it out guys, there's this bar across from Gas Blast that changes owners every three months because there's always a fight going on there and people get in trouble and whatnot. Right now, there's a girl literally beating her husband to death with a shoe in front of the bar, where about 5 people are standing and smoking, huddling for warmth. With a long prayer-like curse for Gov. Pataki for not letting us smoke indoors, I hit the streets.
I'm loaded, goin' to the pancake house
Clear Smitty! I'll boot it up on the Smitty-Cam for your fans
Make sure you get my good side GPM's First Ride
GPM piles into Smitty's cab, being forced to dislodge a few abandoned travelers (read: empty beers) in the process. Smitty's looking dapper today, in his leather vest and shiny freshly-shaved head. He turns in his seat to face GPM. "Can I get the 100 pancake thing man? Please?" GPM looks ill. ~Now playing in Smitty's Cab - Time Bomb by Godsmack
Both GPM and Smitty headbang all the way to the pancake house, and upon exiting the vehicle Smitty's first course of action was to headbutt a dishwasher who was out having a smoke, crushing the man's forehead. Soon as they're finished with breakfast I ~should~ have Smitty back for duty, provided he can intimidate the staff there into not calling the police as he usually does.
CAB REALITY FACTOR: 8 out of 10
Pretty standard, get people, turn up radio, rock out, take their money, smile, wave, leave. Booyah. -2 because Smitty does NOT say please.
Meanwhile...
I'm staring at TFE on this corner, in his ridiculous cubic outfit. He's gotta be trashed if he thinks he can actually sit down while wearing it. I pull up to the curb finally and just let him try to get in. While he struggled, the phone kept ringin'.
Quote from ? »
Mr. Fu? I recently opened the Gates of Hell... Thing is, 100 Rabid Bunnies and an :evilbaby: came out. I need someone to pick up the :evilbaby: and bring it back to Hell before it consumes enough souls to conquer the world. Oh, don't worry, it won't consume your soul... if you get it back in 20 minutes...
....*click* That was interesting. TFE has begun to cuss audibly through his costume. ~ring~
Quote from ? »
Ok OK. Mr Fu. Hi I need a ride. Im at the park in middleton. Please hurry
"Okay, please be patient, kinda busy what with the VD and all, Dugout is right there he'll get ya." *click*
*the Fu sighs and does his patented stare into the middle distance for a moment*
"TFE man... just take the goddamn costume off and put it back on when we get there." He did. The Fallen Evincar's 1st Ride ~Now playing in Fu's Cab; theme from "X"
Aside from the music, we rode in utter silence as TFE sat comfortably on the cold leather completely nude except for shoes and socks, as he neglected to dress under his costume again. I have difficultly speaking to people unless I'm making eye contact, and I'm not about to risk looking in my rearview mirror at him. He really could have made this easier on me by not sipping from a flask and trying to politely masturbate, and thankfully he did. When he got out, he had no shame whatsoever about his nudity, paying me and tipping me well while reassembling his costume. He was so happy to've reached his destination he didn't even notice that his ass-plate was missing as he practically floated into the Anime Expo.
CAB REALITY FACTOR: 6 out of 10
Its grade-A comedy to watch someone overdressed try to sit in a cab. Especially dumb women with big hats. Too bad hot women never forget to wear their ass-plates.
Right... I was supposed to do something. What the hell was it? Had to do with... driving... oh yeah! *sees it on his trip list, and grabs the mic*
Car 9, Dugout!
*two minutes of silence*
Car 9, Dugout?
"Goddammit, these drivers, gettin' out of their cars all the freakin' time, you'd think they'd at least TELL me so I knew not to waste my breath'n'time callin' for em!"
Car 3, Smitty?
Go ahead
Just testin' my radio here, you seen Dugout anywhere?
No... you woke me up for that? Those 100 pancakes knocked me on my ass!
Sorry bro but I can't find Dugout's dumbass
Car uh... uh... car uh NINE, uh, back in
"Bout f'ing time!"
Where the hell were you car 9?
Yeah uh I had to step out because the uh... the oil is ... and there was this... uh yeah had to check the oil
Shut up and get the park in Middleton, okay? Let me know where it's goin'
Car uh... nine car that's clear, where uhh yeah okay that's clear
*exasperated sigh* if you can't find it, you blew the order, and when they call back, I'll give them YOUR cell number. Look it up, and FIND THEM!
Uh okay uhh okay clear
"God!" *slams the mic back down on the hook hard*
Hey Fu
I punch the ceiling in frustration. Do you have any idea how amazingly hard it is to juggle driving, a passenger talking to you, a trio of cell phones, AND a CB radio all while trying to get your job done right? My personal phone has been ringing for like five minutes and I can't get it because I can't get away!
"*************!" (disclaimer: actual typed out asterisks. This is a popular four syllable vulgar term.)
Yeah Smitty
Steppin' out to water the tires
*groan*
Fine!
"Arrrrgh!" ~phone rings and Fu answers~
"Mr. Fu's Cab, where the hell are you going please?"
Quote from ??? »
Uh, is this Mr. Fu's? Uh, tell me, do your cabs have a Fission-Based Space-Time Continnum distorter built in? I need a ride to the Gkkharlk dimension... They don't? Oh well then just drive me to the nearest warp matrix... You don't know where that is? YOU CALL YOURSELF A CAB DRIVER??? *hangs up*
*Mr. Fu bangs his head repeatedly on the steering wheel, causing a pair of chubby chicks pushing a cart full of groceries home from the supermarket to stare, point, and probably laugh*
The phone is ringing again. Make it stop. Make it stop...*answers it*
"You've reached Fu's Private Hell, I mean, Fu's Cab"
Quote from Thoomor »
Mr. Fu... I'm on the corner of Main st. and that street where the name on the sign has faded away. I need a ride to I-can't-think-up-good-street-names st. No nasty surprises like monkeys or uzis, and cash to pay for the trip.
"Now that's what I'm talkin' about. Thank you sir, be there in five minutes." *click, brrrrrrrrrrrrooooooooommmmmmmmmmmm!*
Uhhh car number uhhh... car number 9 here, Fu you there?
Here we go again. With a sigh, I grab the mic.
Yes Dugout did you load on your order?
Uhhh there's two guys here... one of them is shaking the other by the uhh by the collar and uhh yellin' a whole lot
Suddenly alarmed, I sit straight up in my seat, dislodging a small pile of ashes and triscuit crumbs from my gut. As much as I can't stand the guy, I don't want him in danger, either!
if it looks bad man get out of there
Uhhh hold on he's screamin' the word Fu over and over...
Frowning, I thought about this. That sentence doesn't sound right with a "he" in it.
Any idea why?
He says he's gunna get you someday
*gulps*
Just pull out of there, write it up as a void, I'm sorry bout the chase man I'll make it up to you
clear
Shut up you guys Disturbed is on the radio
*puts the mic down, as he's just a block away from Thoomor* Ahh, here we are. Finally, a run that might put a buck in my pocket. Thoomor's 1st Ride
Thoomor arrives, and hops in the back seat without a word. I ask him for my money up front because he's calling from a corner, and he acquiesces, again without a word. He kept smirking at my neck though, sitting right behind my seat, which was ... off-putting. I asked him where he was going after a few miles, and he just got out at the next red light, muttering something about it being 'close enough'. Man did his voice ever sound familiar!
CAB REALITY FACTOR: 9 out of 10
One of these days I'll catch some of the buggers that really do prank us once weekly each or so. And when I do, I hope I just know immediately, so I can get to the gut stompin' as soon as humanly possible.
CAB FUN FACTOR: :smile01: Nice use of the Spoiler button dealie for those excellent junk calls! I LOVED that!
~now playing in Fu's Cab: Achilles' Last Stand, Led Zep
Crickets. Wind. The click every two minutes and four seconds when the security light changes from bright to dim and back again at the top of the pole, here in the church parking lot next to the cemetary. I'm so outrageously chill that I'm half nappin' in my chair watchin' a plastic bag blow in the breeze when the damn phone finally rings again. Before I can answer it, I hear
I'm back in the car
Damn, that had to have been some whizz!
clear, heh *answers the phone*
"Fu's Cab, huh? Ah said Fu's Cab, huh?"
Quote from agentdark »
Mr.Fu I have important buissness in the dock area tonight I need you to take me their ,wait and then take me to the airport .
I am in front of Hilton If you come immeditly I will give you an extra $100.
"Cool, be there soon sir." Wow, what a cool Russian accent. And so thick!
The other line rang as I was talking to Chekov there... where'd it go.. ah, yes....
"Fu's Cab, Wildcard line!"
Quote from Evil_Homestereo »
Hey,uhhh Mr. Fu. i need a ride uhh to class , i uhh slept um in ....... I uh forgort my cash so could we stop at the bank ..... oh yeah and coffee i need some coffee, did you want some? So how are the kids , dammit i cant find my debit card let me uhh search uhhh ok then, so how about this weather??? man....... i dunno anymore uhh yeah ... ok then i'm at the corner of maine and uhhh 15th by the way ... i want a burito lets get mexican to ... yeah that will uhh work .... mmm OK ?
Hrm, the sun will be up soon. Time to make some decisions.
"Yes sir, Smitty will be there to see you directly." *click*
Smittaaay!
Whattaaaay?
Get this shady sounding guy at maine and 15th, make sure you go to the nearest ATM and make him pay you first
Clear
Dugout!
Two minutes of agonizing, infuriating silence. As I'm reaching for the mic to scream for his blood...
Dugout here
Coronary seizure aborted. Chest feels better. Little vein on forehead has ceased throbbing.
Gas up and go home. Now.
*gulp* clear!
A wolfish grin splits my face as I hang up the mic. That guy Smitty's gettin' is in for a beating. I wonder if my guy will be much better? I'm about four blocks away, trying to de-fuzz my sweater as I roll, when four cop cars come blastin' past me with no headlights or anything at roughly 90mph each. There are times I'm really, really glad I'm not stupid enough to get hot coffee and crotch it, or roll blunts as I drive, and this is one of them. Anyways, I'm here. agentdark's 2nd Ride
This strange russian man hasn't spoken or opened his eyes since he sat in the cab! And he hasn't closed the door! I begin to turn around to ask him if he's okay and he bellows a greeting at the top of his lungs and demands that I smoke his pipe with him. Naturally, I do, figuring a strange russian guy wouldn't give me REAL drugs. Little did I know it was the same guy who called me earlier in the week asking me if I liked weed in disguise as a strange russian guy. Wow...I completely spaced on asking him to pay the fare before he got out. Dammit!
...
Wait a minute, he just up and left the car! We just sat in front of his house for ten minutes smoking a pipe! I never DROVE anywhere! Man, that's the last time I can let that happen... um, at work. And elsewhere probably.
CAB REALITY FACTOR: 2 out of 10
I'd only smoke 2 out of 10 things handed to me.
CAB FUN FACTOR: Boy, you got me good agentdark! hehe.
Hey I fell asleep where's my load supposed to be again?
Maine and uhhh... 16th, man.
Clear
I'm counting my money and waiting patiently to leave when Smitty chimes in again.
You sure he said 16th? I see a 15th...
Well... try that then.
Did, and I'm loaded.
clear
Phew! The nights' finally over for me! All that's left now is to gas up and for you guys to watch the Smitty-Cam for the last run! Here you go! *flicks a switch and leaves the car... on the seat, the phone rings unheeded*
MEANWHILE!
At the corner of Main and 22nd, a frantic, skinny nerd is on the payphone.
Quote from Reaperofsorrow, on Fu"s Voicemail »
:: huff :: :: huff :: :: huff :: (In hastend breaths) Mr. Fu im on my cell right now I need you to pick me up FAST. Im being chased by 100 rabbid bunnys from hell, and there gaining fast!! ::huff :: :: huff :: Im on the corner of Main and 22nd and I just turned down 22nd. Hurry there gaining on me!! :: huff :: If you pick me up and get me out of here I will make it worth your time!! I'll - aaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrgghhhhh!!!!!!!!!:: click! ::
What you find yourselves all staring at is a looped mpeg of hamsters in black clothes doing their dance to Daft Punk's "Da Funk" for the next day or so - musta hit the wrong switch on the Smitty-Cam. Oh well, I'll notice when I come back next time! Enjoy!
~In the beginning, there was nothing, which exploded.~ Fu's Cab - Retired! ||| Trade thread dead for now; returning soon! One day I will alt. art my Jace, The Mind Sculptors into 'Mentok! The Mind Takers!' Quotes
Quote from Magikeeper »
Mr. Fu, your leaving of MTGnews' humor forum killed it. KILLLED IT!
Quote from RUBRDUX »
YUO HEARNIN ME BOY
To post a comment, please login or register a new account.
The Neverending Saga that is Mr. Fu's Cab Company lives!
If we had a real number (but we don't) it would be cool like 1-000-2RIDEFU, but since we don't, don't call that number.
For best understanding of every post, read the entire thread over from the beginning. =)
For those of you who are newbies to the Fu Cab:
~Post a request for a ride! My company is a dispatch company, meaning you gotta call us, we ain't lookin' for you! Try to include
*where you are
*where you're going
*all other circumstances surrounding your ride (be creative!)
*You can tell your driver anything you want about anything.
I'll wait for posts to build up for a bit, then I'll fire up the v8 Supercharged Engine of the Jet Black Crown Victoria Cab From Neon Green Hell and get this party rolling!
~nobody said you had to say anything M:TG related, but go ahead if you like
~Know that posting a request for a ride does NOT mean you'll necessarily get one - but you'll always be involved somehow =)
~Your stories will all get mixed up, intertwined, and worse as I make them up based on your posts if you choose to be linear - but if you wanna be wacky, we can do that too! Stories that emerge from people's individual rides will ultimately get their own titles, in quotes even!
As an added bonus, you'll get (sometimes)
CAB REALITY FACTOR: scale of 1 to 10, plus a little real life insight as I really do(EDIT: 'do' should be read as 'used to') drive a taxi for a living.
Cab Fun Factor: My excuse to spam or comment. I mean, tell you how much fun your ride was.
Numbered Rides So you can keep track of your favorites and have a little stat to sig.
The cast: Name color = CB radio (for example, when I speak on the CB, it'll be blue.)
Mr. Fu, a.k.a. 'The Fu': Proprietor and Ultra-Pope Messiah of Fu's Cab - The patient :eyeroll:, enigmatic and slick twenty-something who dispatches the 14-hour overnight shift day in and day out, unless he can't find a computer.
Smitty: Real life demon on the road and off - his incredible abilities include brute strength, mechanical prowess, and being able to hear double entendres in any given statement. Easily identified by his amazing assortment of piercings, tattoos, and weapons.
Dugout: Completely minor and extremely simple driver. Don't expect to see his color come up on the CB too often, and when you do, dread it. You'll see.
The cast, continued; the Passenger Logs
Sorry cab fans from 'news - I don't have records like this for you. I feel more comfortable posting here, where I can expect the server to accept when I save edited posts about a billion percent more often.
Salubrious - 2 rides
agentdark -2 rides
Nemata - 1 ride
Fels_Anarchist - 1 ride
CorporateNoun - 1 ride
leonin_god -1 ride
The Fallen Evincar - 1 ride
GPM - 1 ride
Thoomor - 1 ride
Magikeeper - 1 "ride" (Titled Feature - 'The Feezy')
Twomz - 1 ride
swinkee - got screwed by my hiatus, and may have rotted to death at an airport, or gotten eaten by whatever he wanted me to bring crickets for
~In the beginning, there was nothing, which exploded.~
Fu's Cab - Retired! ||| Trade thread dead for now; returning soon!
One day I will alt. art my Jace, The Mind Sculptors into 'Mentok! The Mind Takers!'
Quotes
I've got my monster of a vehicle parked in the local cemetary, because it's comfortable there and the phones work really well in that area. Unfortunately, it causes acute bladder disfunction whenever it rings here. *Ring* Argh!
er...hope nobody heard that. *ring* Argh again!
"Alright GP Man, don't panic. Ditch the shirt and start screaming about how much you love the Union Jack and I'll be there in less than four minutes."
Smitty, wanna see something funny?
sure
head down to Adolfs, gonna be a good whuppin' there
hehe, clear
I lean back in my cab and relax again. Another boring night.
CAB REALITY FACTOR: 7 out of 10
I ain't goin' in a skinhead bar for you or anybody!
CAB FUN FACTOR: eh, I bet some of you can come up with better rides than this. =)
~In the beginning, there was nothing, which exploded.~
Fu's Cab - Retired! ||| Trade thread dead for now; returning soon!
One day I will alt. art my Jace, The Mind Sculptors into 'Mentok! The Mind Takers!'
Quotes
Open for a whole damn day and not a single freakin' customer. I shoulda placed a bigger ad. I hope this isn't one of the cities Smitty got arrested in...
Oh well, who cares. This place has eeeverything. Well, nearly everything. I still haven't found a toilet I'd utilize for #2. That deer knew what was up.
Anyways you hooligans,
I'M OPEN FOR BUSINESS!
*cough* *humble-izes himself*
~In the beginning, there was nothing, which exploded.~
Fu's Cab - Retired! ||| Trade thread dead for now; returning soon!
One day I will alt. art my Jace, The Mind Sculptors into 'Mentok! The Mind Takers!'
Quotes
By kingcobweb and Goblinboy.
Official Elitist of [thread=40859][RBS][/thread]
Mr.FU remeber me
From the gunshop and the Nightclub
Has a long package in arm,I need you to take me to a building across from the District attorneys office.Give you 600$ and voucher for a lap dance at this club If you come back to the building tommorow round 10.00 .
for he is the messenger between the spheres
and the traveler between the realms of the living and the dead.
He shall summon forth the ancient ones
and wake them from their deathly slumber
then shall the elder signs be shattered.
Trade Thread
I'm sitting at home, idly throwing knives into a target on the opposite wall, listening to my cd's and generally just having a relaxing time when the phone rings.
I simply hang up without a word, run full tilt into my kitchen, where I crash into this huge rotating disk. After a few embarrassingly personal moments, my save is complete and I tear out of the house... er.. wait, I accidently ran into the closet. I always do this! *changes clothes into full cabby gear* There we go... now back into the hallway, and out... argh, the closet again!
Ten minutes later I've made it out of my house safely. I walk up to my garage, which opens after sensing my presence, and there's the Cab-Fu, shiny, started, and roarin' ready to go. I hop in, oddly not stopping to wonder about why the engine was on or why I suddenly had an Uzi on the passenger seat up front, and leave for the pier.
On the way, I slam the Cab-Fu full tilt into a police car while going 110mph through a red light.
Miraculously, the car I hit just bounced down the street a bit before turning it's sirens off and coming after me! Without stopping to check if I've been hurt, I tear off for the pier again... oh no, now there's a lot of cop cars, and they keep ramming me! Dammit, I just had the Fu-mobile fixed! Oh my God I'm on fire! My car's on fire! I can't get out, I'm too close to the wall, I can't...
I open my eyes to find I'm standing outside the hospital, without my arsenal, money, or... MY CAB!!!!!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!.....*!
*********************************************************
Opening my eyes, I'm staring at the ceiling above my bed at home. I sit up, in shock and wondering if I'm going crazy, and seriously do begin gibbering a bit when I see a note on the table (pier, bomb, 10g's). Oh yeah, I remember writing that! It was right after Salubrious called, and I... died.
What's happening to me?!
Going outside, I discover my cab is in my garage again, again it's started, again I have no reasonable explanation... in a daze, I drive slowly to my destination, trying to avoid my fate from last time. As I pull around a warehouse building to approach the docks, I see the lone man in the distance, staring off into the water. I can't help but see him. There's a glowing blue arrow pointing down at him hovering a foot above his head! Holy crap what a weirdo! I get out of the cab and run full tilt into him, and hear him grunt, "T-T-Tan" as I toppled him over. I stood there a moment looking down on him as he stared at me in amazement, then I looked down into my hands and I was holding a huge box. I have no idea where it came from, and think I've officially lost my mind.
I get back in the car, and put a little red dot over the spot on my map that shows where this warehouse is. I drive there, slowly and as if hypnotized, deliver the package, and drive up to Salubrious's to collect my money. As I approach his door, I hear this awesome hip-hop beat and a weird weight was lifted off my heart! In a moment it was gone, but I haven't even touched Sal's door... and there's suddenly 10,000 dollars more in my bank account.
This is too much, I'm getting dizzy... I stared forward, switched from my knife to brass knuckles, and then stumbled left, then backwards, then right, then forwards... and the whole thing again. Out of NOWHERE I'm buried completely in weapons, have a kevlar bullet-proof jacket on, feel like a million bucks and have about that much lying around, too. I gather as much as I can into my trunk and front seat and drive off, humming to myself. My way takes me through the red light district for a few blocks, and I spot one of my regular customers flagging me down from the 'Sex Shooter' Saloon while I'm looking for hot hookers.
Agentdark's 1st Ride
"Yeah okay, hop in. Make sure the safety is on for your flowers."
As I'm driving, Agentdark is really annoying me, telling me 'drive faster' 'look out' and 'do you know where you're even going?' I'm already so unstable from the days' events that I pick up the uzi... I picked it up and... I ... I ...I shot him right in the face! God, what have I...*
I open my eyes again to see him standing in front of me, and I'm sitting in my cab at the Sex Shooter again. Before I can even freak out he says, 'now lets drive really fast!'
Completely over the deep end now, I smile dreamily and say, "As you wish."
The sound of the motor revving only barely drowned out agentdark's screams as I made the air blur with my speed, occasionally barreling through people, cars, hot dog stands... I have no sense of reality anymore, I have nothing to live for in a world where I've already died... I'm taking us over that stairway!
Agentdark takes a deep breath and screams anew as I hit this 45 degree angle staircase with my left-hand tires only, and become airborn. The car does a perfect 360 flip right back onto it's wheels on the freeway. I come to a stop, breathing heavily, and chance a glance back at agentdark - just as I suspected, he's unconscious in a pool of his own urine. His destination is right across the street, maybe I should just take him there and hope he pays me anyways...
"Excuuuuuse me young man, are you the driver of this vehicle?" asked a voice oozing with breeding and years of being rich.
"Uh... yes I am."
The man appeared in my vision, along with a host of other rich-looking snobs. He spoke again:
"I'm from the Consortium of RRRRRich People, and it would be my personal honor to present you with this check for 527 dollars for that INSAAAANE stunt you just pulled off. Thank you and you're welcome!"
The man and his friends were gone. My mind completely shattered, I push agentdark's prone body out of the cab, drive a safe distance away from where I landed, parked, and I curl into a fetal ball, where I intend to weep for the next several days.
CAB REALITY FACTOR (for both of you): Big fat zero. CAB FUN FACTOR: eh.
Listen up and listen good, freaks. All posts on my thread of this nature sort of annoy me. I drive a cab in the real world and hear people joke about things like going somewhere to kill someone or blowing up buildings. You all suffer from GTAitis - Just because I drive a cab doesn't mean I enjoy being an accessory to crimes. So please, try to make your posts sound less like Grand Theft Auto missions. Having any of that really happen would damage the Fu's psyche greatly, plus... how dare you bastards put the Cab-Fu in danger.
~In the beginning, there was nothing, which exploded.~
Fu's Cab - Retired! ||| Trade thread dead for now; returning soon!
One day I will alt. art my Jace, The Mind Sculptors into 'Mentok! The Mind Takers!'
Quotes
Legacy - Full English Breakfast
Vintage - Dragon, Cerebral Assasin, Oath
It's snowing out, but it's early January - it's the kinda snow the city is completely used to at this point in the year, so the roads are pretty easy going for the most part. There's people walking up and down the streets despite it being nearly midnight, couples walking home from the local dives and kids meeting up after curfew There's a hint of spring in the air, as it's only cold enough to make it snow - people are getting frisky. Reeow.
Nemata's 1st Ride
Shortly after midnight, Smitty is speaking to me in code on the radio, trying to avoid the ire of either the boss or the FCC.
Dude, you'll never believe what just happened
I'm on the phone with a comely lass, so I roll my eyes and grab the mic.
Hrm *continues chatting with whatsherface*
I just totally... her and her aunt! But her aunt went home... the phone didn't ring, and... dude, where are you standing by?
Nowhere yet, stop saying 'dude'.
She was... you're going to hate me. Meet me at First Hole.
Okay, I'll be there in *dispatch phone rings* uhh, hold on
"Jeez, that's a good ten minutes away. I hope you're at least in a booth. Look mac I'll get there as quick as I can for you, let's hang up so I can put the plastic down on the seat."
The Cab-Fu Explodes Into Action! Times like this when my wheels are spinning in the grey slush and there's somebody more or less naked desperate for my help, I really wish I had some kinda cab smily icon dealie. It'd make describing taking off in a burnout a lot less time consuming and save me the trouble of trying to describe it differently each time, and the trouble of a run-on sentence to complain about having to describe it at all.
On the way to this intersection, I see things like neon-lit hearts and 'HAPPY VALENTINES DAY' splattered like so many entrails in pink and red all over the windows of the local shops and chain stores. It makes me so nauseated. It's beautiful if you got somebody and wanna kiss up or something, but if you pay nine bucks for a tiny stuffed animal holding a tube of mini 'All Pink, Red, and White for the Holiday!' M&M's for somebody instead of getting 4lbs. of candy, you deserve to get egged by your Valentine's elder brothers or sisters as you approach their house for your date.
Speaking of dates, I see the guy. Wow, he must really be cold, he's not wearing clothes yet he looks like Captain America.
*pulls up to the bush I see an arse petruding from* "Yo Nemata! Get in the car, I got the heat all cranked up and some old Inquests for you to sit on!"
*he hops in, shivering... I hand him my spare flannel to cover his shame*
"So, the man showed up. Tough break pal. You manage to get all your essentials before you bailed? No? Bummer. He'll probably use any hair he finds in his bed to cast spells on you. Oh you didn't know? That guy is some kinda warlock. I wouldn't worry too much though, last guy he caught still has most of their skin left. Your generous extra fifty covers the cost of my K-Mart flannel, so by all means keep it, wouldn't want your frostbitten junk on my conscience. Have a good night!"
CAB REALITY FACTOR: 6 out of 10 - In my town I can see this happenin'
CAB FUN FACTOR:
I'm a good cabbie in many ways, one of them being a clean car. Never worry about sitting in anyone else's arsesweat if you're riding with the Fu. I spray that stuff with expensive cleaner and use a long brush to clean it twice a shift. Sometimes people'll leave a roach on the seat or a butt on the floor, but other than that, expect a nice, hygeinic ride. Also, I really would give the flannel pro bono publico.
It's about an hour later, and I'm cruisin' the clubs. I'm seeing all sorts out tonight - my kinda night. I almost wept in a rare moment of pride in my country, witnessing a young lesbian couple, one white girl and one black girl, having pleasant conversation with an elderly married white straight couple at a bus stop near the coffee shop. There are some out there still trying to 'be a part of the Melting Pot'. Isn't that sweet?
Thanks to all that distracting niceness I just nailed a bus stop sign and popped a tire. Naturally, this is when the phone chose to ring...
just as the first ring ended, a whelp materalized four feet behind me.
"It's closed you nitwit, it's 4am! Hang on a second and I'll hear you out."
*answers the phone*
"I say... what the hell ever, I blew a tire, Smitty's getting you. Be watchin' for him, because he'll kick your door in if necessary." *click*
As I'm cussing my way through searching my trunk for a tire iron, kaabak is explaining to me that he just had a small windfall and is looking to buy out the toystore's supply of Mirrodin. I smile and nod as best I can, kneeling on the newspaper I'd intended to read on the slush so I can lift the filthy tire off and replace it with the spare... as I'm trying to put it on, kaabak hops in the car, and must have started humping the seat because it rocked off of the jack just as I finished getting the bolts on, nearly crushing three of my toes.
I'll now switch to the Smitty-Cam... if you've been paying attention you've heard we recently visited the flea market, and now possess some intimidating weapons... *cocks his crossbow* I'll deal with this, and Smitty will deal with his.
Fels_Anarchist's 1st Ride
*watches the guy get in Smitty's cab, and smirks at the look on his face when Smitty delivers his classic, 'Money now or bloody now' line*
kaabak asks, "who's that?"
I say, "Oh, some bugger who duct taped me to an airplane once."
kaabak asks, "No, the driver, what's his name?"
I say, "Smitty"
kaabak asks, "Does the-" *he stopped short as he felt a mild prick of a crossbow at the tip of his nose*
I say, "-crossbow have a safety? I dunno. Wanna find out? Shut up and watch" *puts the crossbow down*
Everything on the Smitty-Cam seems to be alright, the guy in the backseat is white-knuckling the door, so Smitty's up to his usual speed...theres the money...
*blinks in surprise*
I say, "Whoa."
kaabak asks, "Holy moly did he just beam away like Star Trek after handing Smitty the money?"
I say, "Yes he did."
kaabak asks, "Will this Mudhole be enough to pay for the ride to the toystore?"
I say, "Of course not, and why the hell do you want to go, it's 4am, the place is closed!"
*kaabak considered this as Smitty poked the air in his backseat with his nunchukus in wonder*
kaabak kicked me in the shin, then turned and ran as quarrels rained down around him.
CAB REALITY FACTOR: 1 out of 10 -as likely as Justin Timberlake, Texas Ranger... but I really do have a crossbow
CAB FUN FACTOR: :mad2::mad2::mad2:
These new smilies are the bomb diggity.
To date, I have not been offered MTG for a ride yet. Anybody wants to cough up a Ex-Nm Unl Mox, it'll get you from Buffalo to Toronto.
If someone who scares me or just plain bothers me calls my company and I have the phones, there's no way I'm gunna go get em. That's what other drivers are for.
After four hours of driving around the neighborhood looking for that kaabak kid, the sun is starting to come up. A guy with a buncha howler monkeys on leashes hails me.
Slowing to about 10mph, I shout to him, "No monkeys in the cab bro" and then continue driving.
CAB REALITY FACTOR: 9 out of 10 - Woulda been a 10 if it woulda been any animal I've actually had in the car (thus far, that'd only be dogs and boa constrictors).
CAB FUN FACTOR: Neener!
I do not brake for monkeys. I will never brake for monkeys. If possible, I will run over monkeys. Critters that can peg a cat at 50 yards with a turd are just not trustworthy.
I'm going home for the night. I need to rest up for those busy nights ahead. Enjoy your break, because I'll be back before you're done stretchin'!
~In the beginning, there was nothing, which exploded.~
Fu's Cab - Retired! ||| Trade thread dead for now; returning soon!
One day I will alt. art my Jace, The Mind Sculptors into 'Mentok! The Mind Takers!'
Quotes
Sorry.
By kingcobweb and Goblinboy.
Official Elitist of [thread=40859][RBS][/thread]
for he is the messenger between the spheres
and the traveler between the realms of the living and the dead.
He shall summon forth the ancient ones
and wake them from their deathly slumber
then shall the elder signs be shattered.
Trade Thread
LG
EDIT- Thats a pretty nice mix you got there
The Cab-Fu is covered in the filth of the streets, salt and grime and dirt and possibly cat... I can't be pickin' up passengers looking like this! It's off to one of my favorite places on earth, the automatic carwash.
This thing is great, man. It's just a garage tucked behind a gas station that you stuff 6 bucks into a machine out front and just pull your vehicle in, and all these fancylad robotic arms and nozzles wash the hell out of your car. The best part is, there's no cameras or windows, so I can do more or less whatever I want in there. I'm in there doing whatever I want in the company of a comely lass when some lame-o up and had to call.
About halfway through this tirade of nonsense I dropped the phone on the floor and continued with my dirty carwash business. As the garage doors were opening and we were readjusting the seat cushions, the Phoneman recalleth.
"THE Arcade? Was that a capital A, please? Well, what the hell ever pal, I don't even know where there's a single arcade open at this hour. You're obviously confused. I suggest you have a half dozen more beers and then drive home." *click* At this point my copilot decided to tell me I was being a meanie-head, so I dropped her off at home and told her never to bother the Fu again. She'll be calling in a day or two most likely. Now that all this silliness is over, maybe I can make some money. I was barely able to pay the paperboy this week, and he's got a crowbar that he's given a first name. Gulp.
The Cab-Fu, now shinier than every bald man's head at noon put together, practically whinnied with delight or severe transmission problems as it plowed through melting slush, sliding from lane to lane with ease and poise - as I pulled up to a pale looking Salubrious on the corner, the car was already twice as dirty as it was before I washed it. Bah.
*the air is filled with the scent of burning tires and vomit as Fu speeds away*
CAB REALITY FACTOR: 10 out of 10
It's a $30 dollar charge for each vomit that takes place within the cab in my company... but I'll be DAMNED if anyone's making me clean puke, not even for 30 bucks a barf. You walk until you have a proper puke-bag, you puke-bags!
Waaaaah, I'm never gunna make any money tonight, waaaaaaaah! Two fares and two voids, waaaaaaaaaah! There's sand in my va- wait, the phone's ringin'!
"I don't have your bloody mutant dogmonkey, you took it with you, I remember because it gave me the finger AND waggled it's nadgers at me from your shoulder. I can drop you off at the Willie Cotton Community Center...scraper no problem, I'm gunna axe your uncle if you bone me on this fare!" *click*
~~~nanananananananaCAB FU! nanananananananananananaCAB FU!~~~
(stereotypical banter)So I'm drivin', right, and there's these two hot babes in the car next to me, ya know, so I rolls my window down and says 'yo girls ever had kinky love with a cabbie before' and they said 'yeah all the time' so I said 'damn, gross' and drove off, cuz I don't wanna think about what they look like up on other cabbies and whatnot, 'kna-mean? Oh, there's what's his face.(/banter)
CorporateNoun's 1st Ride Nice to see old regulars in town =)
*pulls up to the curb, CN gets in* "What up dawgmonkey lover. No I tole you, I don't got your freakin' demon wombat critter, it musta slunk off on ya. It's none of my business what your pets do on their days off. What do you mean it isn't a pet, it lives in a cage, you feed it, it's a pet, right? It's MORE than a pet? What, does it do your taxes or something? Damn, you don't say. Well thanks for being my only paying customer tonight *Uncle Dweeze was outside waitin', grinnin and wavin' Benjamins*, hope you find your monster. Night skeezy!"
CAB REALITY FACTOR: 8 outta 10
Had to toss that in there, get a lot of 'money on the other end' runs. I hate them a lot, because most of the time they don't tip. The people paying you didn't get the nice courteous ride, so they don't care. What I do now, once I find out I'm getting cash on the other end from someone who isn't in the car, is treat the fare like crap and mouth off and everything. I'm not getting a tip anyways, right? Eff 'em!
After a Mt. Dew and cig stop I was tapped for spending cash again. Now the phone will ring simply to taunt me.
See what I mean?
"Dude, I know, it's like... totally there, I mean like you're there, but you aren't really? It's really weird, man like I think with the weed, and with the cool, there's always the there, and in the end, that's all that matters right? I mean, you're so right, dude. And you're there. Uh huh. I'll see ya."
*hangs up, annoyed*
I'm reading a rather excellent novel, it's the 2nd in the Thomas Covenant series by uhh *checks* something Donaldson, it's really good... wish I wasn't 250 pages into it just reading tonight... *crunches the pages in frustration when low and behold...*
leonin_god's 1st Ride
"...okay you're at the hotel, right? Cool, be there very shortly." *click* This should be fun.
This mad Scottish guy hardly says a word in the cab, but when he does, every single word drips with a bit of meade, rolling each R with an ease that made me wonder if he'd gargled gravel as a child. He told a brief story about pinching the rears of the lassie attendants on yon flight before parting with a fair tip and a tip of his hat.
CAB REALITY FACTOR: 1 out of 10
This happened to me once; I picked up an elderly Scottish couple at an Outback Steakhouse and took them to their hotel, and it was truly fascinating to hear their perspective on Buffalo. They thought Niagara Falls was the most amazing thing, thought the Bills 'look glorious on that field o' yers' and considered everybody here they met their friend. It was hard not to ask them to take me home and re-raise me.
Well I didn't make a hell of alot tonight, but that's okay - I've slacked off, and have a ton of orders backed up for the next installment - and Smitty's gunna be aching for his medicines if he doesn't keep his flow up, so he'll be back... only 1 request for a song on the next CD so far, and I expected 3 from each of you, and to approve 1-2 from each or something. Y'all are so non-proactive. For real! Face!
~ Fu-ton, unfolds to lay down ~
~
Now Playing In the Cab-Fu: CD-R MIX Fu-1
1. Voices - Disturbed
2. Black Betty - The Ram Jam
3. Pressure - Skindred
4. Shedding Skin - Pantera
5. Hardest Button to Button - The White Stripes
6. From This Day - Machinehead
7. Achilles' Last Stand - Led Zeppelin
8. Carry On - Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young
9. Opiate - Tool
10. Theme from the anime "X"
11. Roses - Outkast
12. Touch Me I'm Sick - Mudhoney
13. In The Still of the Night - Whitesnake
14. Live Forever - Oasis
15. Happiness is A Warm Gun - The Beatles
16. To The Limit - Strongbad Sings
17. Crosstown Traffic - Jimi Hendrix
18. I Hope That I Don't Fall In Love With You - Hootie and the Blowfish Unplugged
19. Sway - Coal Chamber
20. Jesus Christ Pose - Soundgarden
21. Going Back To Cali - L.L. Cool J
22. I Hope You Die - The Bloodhound Gang
23. Happy Pills - Candlebox
~In the beginning, there was nothing, which exploded.~
Fu's Cab - Retired! ||| Trade thread dead for now; returning soon!
One day I will alt. art my Jace, The Mind Sculptors into 'Mentok! The Mind Takers!'
Quotes
"Hell..oh...I...am...Robot...TFE...I...need...a...ride...to...the...Evangelion...Evangelion...Evangelion...Evangelion...err...sorry...Evangelion Anime Expo...crzzzt".
Robo-TFE awkwardly shuffled into the middle of the street, waiting for his cab, while lugging an extension cord sticking out of his ass.
"I...will...need...an...outlet...to...plug...myself...into...thankyougoodbye."
(Yet another member of the TFE Mythology shows up to Fu, first Dr. TFE, then Classic TFE, now Robo-TFE. And sweet cab music too! I love "X" and Zeppelin doesn't hurt either. :))
Owner of Senori's Soul
Friend of RBS, FFFB, 499, Mythos, House Dimir, Rakdos, and Hyrule.
Dictator of
[thread=43661][/thread]
He raises up from the park bench to walk around and think how he can get a ride. As he walks by the pay phone he sees a random man walking down the side walk. He pulls a random object from his pocket that seems to be a pen. He grabs the guy and sticks the pen to his back and pushes him to the payphone.
"Alright Call Mr. FU's Cab service and tell him you need a ride, NOW!"
"But why I dont need a.. *Pen starts to ram in his back* alright i'll call him"
"Mwahahah, yes you will, YES YOU WILL. Tell him to pick you up here you'll be wearing a coat, scarf, and hat, and will not be able to see your face. Just tell him your cold. And make sure it's him. That smitty fellow wont do."
"Ok OK. Mr Fu. Hi I need a ride. Im at the park in middleton. Please hurry"
"YES, YES hur...oh shoot..hang up the phone will ya. Thanks. YES YES, HURRY MR. FU, HURRY! MWahahahah"
"Can I go now"?
"Oh yea sorry about that, here's 10 bucks."
Legacy - Full English Breakfast
Vintage - Dragon, Cerebral Assasin, Oath
Sane call:
Mr. Fu... I'm on the corner of Main st. and that street where the name on the sign has faded away. I need a ride to I-can't-think-up-good-street-names st. No nasty surprises like monkeys or uzis, and cash to pay for the trip.
We'd post if you'd update your thread. Please...?
By kingcobweb and Goblinboy.
Official Elitist of [thread=40859][RBS][/thread]
Mr.Fu I have important buissness in the dock area tonight I need you to take me their ,wait and then take me to the airport .
I am in front of Hilton If you come immeditly I will give you an extra 100$ .
for he is the messenger between the spheres
and the traveler between the realms of the living and the dead.
He shall summon forth the ancient ones
and wake them from their deathly slumber
then shall the elder signs be shattered.
Trade Thread
Gaymers
*The Fu points across the parking lot towards the rear corner, where a dumpster is half obscuring a small white car* That car's been rocking for about half an hour. Watch this.
*Mr. Fu slams on the gas, spinning the tires as he flies out of his parking spot towards the humpers. Putting on the headlights, he sees two heads snap around to look at the source of the light, then panic as they see it's coming towards them fast. Fu lays on the horn and leans out the window, screaming, "GIT 'ER DONE!" at them and watches in hysterics as both parties struggle back into their pants.*
Oh man, that was awesome... I'm so damn cool! Uh oh...
*notices the woman getting out of the car and smoothing her dress is gorgeous, and then notices that the man who couldn't get his pants on fast enough was Smitty, and he's beside himself*
~the phone rings!~
"Smitty! Don't kill me! Please! Finish up here and uhhh *withers under the gorgeous woman's glare at that* and then get whatever this order is!" *answers*
"Dude, Smitty loves pancakes man! He's coming to get ya. I'd love to join ya's, but we're mad busy. *hangs up and turns back to Smitty, who's rolling up his sleeves and advancing still* Free pancakes man! Good regular, good tipper! You want it? Smitty? Dude, come on, it was funny! It was
~thwack....thud~
When I awoke, it was on the cold icy surface of the City Hall parking lot, where I had been standing up until recently, apparently. Smitty's belevolent face appeared above me smiling, and he said, "Ya prick... we're square now" and helped me up. I told him about GPM, and he was on his way before I could stagger back into my car. I get in, drive to the Gas Blast where my boy Ozzy Mac works, and have him hook me up with some ice for my eye. Meanwhile, business is gettin' steady. Glad Dugout AND Smitty are in tonight, else I wouldn't be able to cover anything.
~phone rings, Fu answers!~
"Ha! Okay robo-TFE, you're on. See you soon." *click*
I suppose I can head towards that, it's not due for ten minutes... *looks around* Wow. Check it out guys, there's this bar across from Gas Blast that changes owners every three months because there's always a fight going on there and people get in trouble and whatnot. Right now, there's a girl literally beating her husband to death with a shoe in front of the bar, where about 5 people are standing and smoking, huddling for warmth. With a long prayer-like curse for Gov. Pataki for not letting us smoke indoors, I hit the streets.
I'm loaded, goin' to the pancake house
Clear Smitty! I'll boot it up on the Smitty-Cam for your fans
Make sure you get my good side
GPM's First Ride
GPM piles into Smitty's cab, being forced to dislodge a few abandoned travelers (read: empty beers) in the process. Smitty's looking dapper today, in his leather vest and shiny freshly-shaved head. He turns in his seat to face GPM. "Can I get the 100 pancake thing man? Please?" GPM looks ill.
~Now playing in Smitty's Cab - Time Bomb by Godsmack
Both GPM and Smitty headbang all the way to the pancake house, and upon exiting the vehicle Smitty's first course of action was to headbutt a dishwasher who was out having a smoke, crushing the man's forehead. Soon as they're finished with breakfast I ~should~ have Smitty back for duty, provided he can intimidate the staff there into not calling the police as he usually does.
CAB REALITY FACTOR: 8 out of 10
Pretty standard, get people, turn up radio, rock out, take their money, smile, wave, leave. Booyah. -2 because Smitty does NOT say please.
I'm staring at TFE on this corner, in his ridiculous cubic outfit. He's gotta be trashed if he thinks he can actually sit down while wearing it. I pull up to the curb finally and just let him try to get in. While he struggled, the phone kept ringin'.
....*click* That was interesting. TFE has begun to cuss audibly through his costume. ~ring~
"Okay, please be patient, kinda busy what with the VD and all, Dugout is right there he'll get ya." *click*
*the Fu sighs and does his patented stare into the middle distance for a moment*
"TFE man... just take the goddamn costume off and put it back on when we get there." He did.
The Fallen Evincar's 1st Ride
~Now playing in Fu's Cab; theme from "X"
Aside from the music, we rode in utter silence as TFE sat comfortably on the cold leather completely nude except for shoes and socks, as he neglected to dress under his costume again. I have difficultly speaking to people unless I'm making eye contact, and I'm not about to risk looking in my rearview mirror at him. He really could have made this easier on me by not sipping from a flask and trying to politely masturbate, and thankfully he did. When he got out, he had no shame whatsoever about his nudity, paying me and tipping me well while reassembling his costume. He was so happy to've reached his destination he didn't even notice that his ass-plate was missing as he practically floated into the Anime Expo.
CAB REALITY FACTOR: 6 out of 10
Its grade-A comedy to watch someone overdressed try to sit in a cab. Especially dumb women with big hats. Too bad hot women never forget to wear their ass-plates.
Right... I was supposed to do something. What the hell was it? Had to do with... driving... oh yeah! *sees it on his trip list, and grabs the mic*
Car 9, Dugout!
*two minutes of silence*
Car 9, Dugout?
"Goddammit, these drivers, gettin' out of their cars all the freakin' time, you'd think they'd at least TELL me so I knew not to waste my breath'n'time callin' for em!"
Car 3, Smitty?
Go ahead
Just testin' my radio here, you seen Dugout anywhere?
No... you woke me up for that? Those 100 pancakes knocked me on my ass!
Sorry bro but I can't find Dugout's dumbass
Car uh... uh... car uh NINE, uh, back in
"Bout f'ing time!"
Where the hell were you car 9?
Yeah uh I had to step out because the uh... the oil is ... and there was this... uh yeah had to check the oil
Shut up and get the park in Middleton, okay? Let me know where it's goin'
Car uh... nine car that's clear, where uhh yeah okay that's clear
*exasperated sigh* if you can't find it, you blew the order, and when they call back, I'll give them YOUR cell number. Look it up, and FIND THEM!
Uh okay uhh okay clear
"God!" *slams the mic back down on the hook hard*
Hey Fu
I punch the ceiling in frustration. Do you have any idea how amazingly hard it is to juggle driving, a passenger talking to you, a trio of cell phones, AND a CB radio all while trying to get your job done right? My personal phone has been ringing for like five minutes and I can't get it because I can't get away!
"*************!" (disclaimer: actual typed out asterisks. This is a popular four syllable vulgar term.)
Yeah Smitty
Steppin' out to water the tires
*groan*
Fine!
"Arrrrgh!" ~phone rings and Fu answers~
"Mr. Fu's Cab, where the hell are you going please?"
*Mr. Fu bangs his head repeatedly on the steering wheel, causing a pair of chubby chicks pushing a cart full of groceries home from the supermarket to stare, point, and probably laugh*
The phone is ringing again. Make it stop. Make it stop...*answers it*
"You've reached Fu's Private Hell, I mean, Fu's Cab"
"Now that's what I'm talkin' about. Thank you sir, be there in five minutes." *click, brrrrrrrrrrrrooooooooommmmmmmmmmmm!*
Uhhh car number uhhh... car number 9 here, Fu you there?
Here we go again. With a sigh, I grab the mic.
Yes Dugout did you load on your order?
Uhhh there's two guys here... one of them is shaking the other by the uhh by the collar and uhh yellin' a whole lot
Suddenly alarmed, I sit straight up in my seat, dislodging a small pile of ashes and triscuit crumbs from my gut. As much as I can't stand the guy, I don't want him in danger, either!
if it looks bad man get out of there
Uhhh hold on he's screamin' the word Fu over and over...
Frowning, I thought about this. That sentence doesn't sound right with a "he" in it.
Any idea why?
He says he's gunna get you someday
*gulps*
Just pull out of there, write it up as a void, I'm sorry bout the chase man I'll make it up to you
clear
Shut up you guys Disturbed is on the radio
*puts the mic down, as he's just a block away from Thoomor* Ahh, here we are. Finally, a run that might put a buck in my pocket.
Thoomor's 1st Ride
Thoomor arrives, and hops in the back seat without a word. I ask him for my money up front because he's calling from a corner, and he acquiesces, again without a word. He kept smirking at my neck though, sitting right behind my seat, which was ... off-putting. I asked him where he was going after a few miles, and he just got out at the next red light, muttering something about it being 'close enough'. Man did his voice ever sound familiar!
CAB REALITY FACTOR: 9 out of 10
One of these days I'll catch some of the buggers that really do prank us once weekly each or so. And when I do, I hope I just know immediately, so I can get to the gut stompin' as soon as humanly possible.
CAB FUN FACTOR: :smile01: Nice use of the Spoiler button dealie for those excellent junk calls! I LOVED that!
~now playing in Fu's Cab: Achilles' Last Stand, Led Zep
Crickets. Wind. The click every two minutes and four seconds when the security light changes from bright to dim and back again at the top of the pole, here in the church parking lot next to the cemetary. I'm so outrageously chill that I'm half nappin' in my chair watchin' a plastic bag blow in the breeze when the damn phone finally rings again. Before I can answer it, I hear
I'm back in the car
Damn, that had to have been some whizz!
clear, heh *answers the phone*
"Fu's Cab, huh? Ah said Fu's Cab, huh?"
"Cool, be there soon sir." Wow, what a cool Russian accent. And so thick!
The other line rang as I was talking to Chekov there... where'd it go.. ah, yes....
"Fu's Cab, Wildcard line!"
Hrm, the sun will be up soon. Time to make some decisions.
"Yes sir, Smitty will be there to see you directly." *click*
Smittaaay!
Whattaaaay?
Get this shady sounding guy at maine and 15th, make sure you go to the nearest ATM and make him pay you first
Clear
Dugout!
Two minutes of agonizing, infuriating silence. As I'm reaching for the mic to scream for his blood...
Dugout here
Coronary seizure aborted. Chest feels better. Little vein on forehead has ceased throbbing.
Gas up and go home. Now.
*gulp* clear!
A wolfish grin splits my face as I hang up the mic. That guy Smitty's gettin' is in for a beating. I wonder if my guy will be much better? I'm about four blocks away, trying to de-fuzz my sweater as I roll, when four cop cars come blastin' past me with no headlights or anything at roughly 90mph each. There are times I'm really, really glad I'm not stupid enough to get hot coffee and crotch it, or roll blunts as I drive, and this is one of them. Anyways, I'm here.
agentdark's 2nd Ride
This strange russian man hasn't spoken or opened his eyes since he sat in the cab! And he hasn't closed the door! I begin to turn around to ask him if he's okay and he bellows a greeting at the top of his lungs and demands that I smoke his pipe with him. Naturally, I do, figuring a strange russian guy wouldn't give me REAL drugs. Little did I know it was the same guy who called me earlier in the week asking me if I liked weed in disguise as a strange russian guy. Wow...I completely spaced on asking him to pay the fare before he got out. Dammit!
...
Wait a minute, he just up and left the car! We just sat in front of his house for ten minutes smoking a pipe! I never DROVE anywhere! Man, that's the last time I can let that happen... um, at work. And elsewhere probably.
CAB REALITY FACTOR: 2 out of 10
I'd only smoke 2 out of 10 things handed to me.
CAB FUN FACTOR: Boy, you got me good agentdark! hehe.
Hey I fell asleep where's my load supposed to be again?
Maine and uhhh... 16th, man.
Clear
I'm counting my money and waiting patiently to leave when Smitty chimes in again.
You sure he said 16th? I see a 15th...
Well... try that then.
Did, and I'm loaded.
clear
Phew! The nights' finally over for me! All that's left now is to gas up and for you guys to watch the Smitty-Cam for the last run! Here you go! *flicks a switch and leaves the car... on the seat, the phone rings unheeded*
At the corner of Main and 22nd, a frantic, skinny nerd is on the payphone.
What you find yourselves all staring at is a looped mpeg of hamsters in black clothes doing their dance to Daft Punk's "Da Funk" for the next day or so - musta hit the wrong switch on the Smitty-Cam. Oh well, I'll notice when I come back next time! Enjoy!
~In the beginning, there was nothing, which exploded.~
Fu's Cab - Retired! ||| Trade thread dead for now; returning soon!
One day I will alt. art my Jace, The Mind Sculptors into 'Mentok! The Mind Takers!'
Quotes