That's right! A celebrity roast. And the planeswalker we'll be roasting is Nicol Bolas! And here to roast Bolas is... well, other planeswalkers. How many? That depends on how many clans sign up.
The challenge is each clan will be roleplaying a planeswalker, given to them at random, and will post a speech that slams the roastee, and, in the end, praises him. Of course, being a roast all the other roasters are fair game.
Here's an example:
Quote from Orson Welles, at the Dean Martin Celebrity Roast »
Thank you, [Don Rickles], for that well-meant but rather pedestrian introduction. Regarding yourself, I quote from the third part of Shakespeare's Henry VI, Act Two, Scene One. Richard speaks, "Were thy heart as hard as steel/ As thou hast shown it flinty by thy deeds/ I come to pierce it, or to give thee mine." To translate into your own idiom, Donald; you're a yo-yo. Now I direct my remarks to Dean Martin, who is being honored here tonight...for reasons that completely elude me. No, I'm not being fair to Dean because - this is true - in his way Dean, and I know him very well, has the soul of a poet. I'm told that in his most famous song Dean authored a lyric which is so romantic, so touching that it will be enjoyed by generations of lovers until the end of time. Let's share it together. [Opens a songsheet for Dean's "That's Amore" and reads in a monotone] "When the moon hits your eye/ Like a big pizza-pie/ That's amore" Now, that's what I call 'touching', Dean. It has all the romanticism of a Ty-D-Bol commercial. "When the world seems to shine/ Like you've had too much wine/ That's amore" What a profound thought. It could be inscribed forever on a cocktail napkin. Hey, there's more. "Tippy-tippy-tay/ Like a gay tarantella" Like a gay tarantella? Apparently, Dean has a 'side Dean' we know nothing about. "When the stars make you drool/ Just like a pasta fazool .... Scuzza me, but you see/ Back in old Napoli/ That's amore" No, Dean; that's infermo, Italian for "sickened". Now, lyrics like that - lyrics like that ought to be issued with a warning: a song like that is hazardous to your health. Ladies and gentlemen...[motions to Dean] you are looking at the end result!
You can find other examples on YouTube under “Dean Martin roasts” or “Comedy Central Roasts” (viewer discretion advised).
After all the submissions are in, each clan will grade all the other clans' speeches, using the following rubric:
How funny it is (Self-explanatory): 1-10
How well does the entry incorporate the other players/planeswalkers? (A good roast gives everyone on the dais equal slammage) 1-10
How well does it cover the roastee? (They're usually the reason these roasts are put together in the first place) 1-10
How creative is the entry overall? 1-10
But enough of that. Time for the clans to sign in, which ends Thursday, April 11.
Participating clans and their assigned planeswalker: [The Crafters] as Karn [Clan Monoblack] as Liliana Vess [House Dimir] as Tezzeret [Clan Flamingo] as Ajani Goldmane [Tolarian Academy] as Jace Beleren
[Kitchen Table Finks] as Sarkhan Vol - DROPPED
AND NOW, HERE IS TONIGHT'S ROASTMASTER: MOSS_ELEMENTAL
Thank you, Mr. Announcer guy. That's right, folks, after millenia of roasting his enemies, entire empires and his mother-in-law, we're going to be roasting Nicol Bolas. Nicol's been around the Multiverse so many times, his spark's saying “Slow down, you'll get a heart attack, if you had a heart.” And, boy, is he old? Word has it he was Strom Thurmond's childhood friend. On the other hand, he's defeated other powerful dragons, killed Leshrac and had sex with Paris Hilton. Twice. Man, I would love to have his spark.
Anyway, that's my attempt at humour. Now, it's time to give these other guys a shot at roasting Nicol.
Our first roaster is from the Naya part of Alara, who fought Nicol and lived to tell about it. Now he's using his new weapons: Quick wit and his brother's axe. Here he is: AJANI GOLDMANE.
Private Mod Note
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"The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing."
Nicol Bolas might look young and powerful, but don't forget that he's one of the Elder Dragons. That's right. Elder. Do you have any idea how old most dragons in the multiverse are? Even older than our stoic golem here, though at least they still have enough juice in their testicles to kill when they need to. Whether an Elder Dragon's fluids are still pumping, I'd rather leave that to your imagination. Regardless, being so old, Nicol Bolas recently underwent a big image change. He realized that if he wanted any credibility, he couldn't go around looking like a shriveled old lizard. Ol' Nicky B. decided to take a hint from that other millennia old dragon - you know the one. Name's Madonna. - and reinvent himself. First thing he tried: lesbian kiss. The old bag of scales figured if he could smack his dessicated lips against some up and coming starlet, maybe he could suck the life out of her. Regrettably, not even Liliana was game enough to put her mouth on that, though we were all surprised considering the other wrinkled old demons she's sold herself to. Everybody who works for the great lumbago lizard goes just a bit crazy and embraces the dark part of the color pie. Don't take my word for it, just ask Mr. Tezz over there. How is Nicky's insurance plan anyway Tezz? Did he make you pay for that arm transplant? That must be why we haven't seen you around recently, you can't afford the AErfare to get off Alara. Maybe ask Jace for a loan, I hear he runs a stellar business out of Ravnica. How about it Jace? Think you can take some time out of your busy schedule inappropriate teenage angst and pining after black-hearted, manipulative women long enough to give your old boss a lift to Standard? I digress. Bolas is one hell of an adversary though, and by that I mean its a shock he isn't dead and gone to hell by now with his combat record. He can't even defeat an Evil Twin of himself conjured by a "much lesser planeswalker," - his words not mine - even though he absorbed Alara's entire Maelstrom. Wow. And to top it all off, this incredible genius can't even spell patheitc right!
[color=navy]:Tezzeret, Agent of Bolas uncrosses his legs in a swirl of bright pink light. standing up, the Etherium master collects his silvery goblet. he casually looks at the other roasters, then glances over the crowd. he walks towards the podium, ignoring the roast master and smirking at the Roastie. Tezzeret reaches the podium, sits his cup on the top of it and pulls a folded piece of paper from seemingly out of no where. he clears his throat, and stares at the audience for a brief period as the audience's applause dies down. staring directly at Sarkan Vol seated in the front row, he begins his roast:[/color]
"They say Im the Agent of Bolas. Would that make Sarkhan Vol a friend with benefits? Sarkhan Vol is about as useful as Mishra, Artificer Prodigy in Commander.
Who else is that out there? Is that Koth, or is that a fire pit? I can't ever tell.
Haha! Ga-rook, Ga-rook, Garruk Wild Speaker! He has about as many intelligent thoughts as M12 had legendary creatures. Woah! Just kidding Garruk. Please don't eat me. Wait, can you digest metal?"
[color=navy]:garruk looks confused:[/color]
"Forget I asked."
[color=navy]:tezzeret looks over to karn:[/color]
When I saw Karn in New Phyrexia, he was really on the edge of his seat. I asked him what the problem was, and he said he needed a date. I didn't know what to say. I asked him what the problem was, and he told me he was just a bit rusty.
[color=navy]:sarkhan vol laughs loudly:[/color]
"I'm kinda scared of Jace. Seems like every time Liliana sleeps with a guy he turns out to be a soul-eating demon.
Speaking of diarrhea, what can possibly be said about Jace that hasn't been said by someone who drank water in Innistrad?
Jace and Liliana make a good couple. In the way WotC made Nicol-Bolas, Planeswalker a playable card. Be careful there, buddy, she's got the green envy now."
[color=navy]:tezzeret peers at liliana, shaking his head:[/color]
"Is the old saying true, Lili? 'Once you go green, you're never clean.'?"
[color=navy]:looks across the room at Garruk:[/color]
"What about the other one, 'Once you go black, your printed on the back.'? Sorry Garruk, but we all know what Veil Cursed really means.
Ajani took forever getting up here. I guess he must have been cat-napping. I knew he was getting old, but I didn't know he was the.old cat lady. Urza-H-Brother, did he just spray on my seat?
[color=navy]:tezzeret touches his metal glass, and it turns into a.spray bottle. He then sprays a pink liiquid in the general direction of Ajani:[/color]
"Bad kitty! No!"
[color=navy]:the crowd laughs harder than ever, and applauds. tezzeret tosses the bottle into the audience. Nisaa Revane and Tamiyo the Moonsage squabble over it. Surprisingly, Tibalt reaches in to grab it, and blows a kiss as tezzeret. raising an eyebrow at the result, tez looks up at Bolas:[/color]
"It seems Bolas is just the go-to filler plot bad guy; basically the Daleks of the multiverse. He's less relevant than Tibalt in standard! Or any format.
Yeah, Bolas isn't one of those bosses you can prank and screw around with... He won't just fire you, he'll incinerate you where you stand. And you wanna know why Bolas' story has changed more than Jace's hairstyle? He's stspped reading! Do you see any books in his latest incarnation? Mind you, nobody took him seriously with his glasses on, and nobody alive today makes dragon-sized contact lenses...
Bolas is so old he still uses MySpace and his only friend aside from Tom is Sarkhan.
You know what Bolas and Rakish Heir have in common? Being the odd one out in their corsets. Bolas being multicolor and [/color]Rakish Heir being the only transgendered. Wait, I mean core sets, not corsets. To be honest, Lili wore it better.
[color=navy]tezzeret sighs:[/color]
Nicol Bolas: The most ancient and powerful being in the multiverse. He's gonna cop a hell of a fine when he returns those library books.
Elder dragon, huh? I guess that makes him too old to do things himself! Trust me, Sarkhan told me all about it...Bolas didn't keep him alive so he could carry out some mysterious plot. Turns out he just needed help going to the bathroom! We should call him an Elderly Dragon instead!
I just realized Bolas is probably the most pimp planeswalker of the multiverse. He gave me this awesome pink light in my abdomen, you know? Only a pimp would hook me up like that. He has his own private plane. Complete with his own private flight attendants. The man has taste, right? Okay, probably, when creating a crew of flight attendants, if you're 25000 years old, a mirror should probably not be the tool of choice."
[color=navy]:tezzeret smiles and the crowd goes absolutely bonkers. he folds the paper back up and it disappears in a pink puff of smoke. tezzeret looks directly at Sorin, Lord of Innistrad, and nods subtly. he grabs the mic with his etherium hand, then bangs his chest twice with the mic:[/color]
"GO TEAM SORIN!"
[color=navy]:tezzeret drops the mic, and calmly walks to his seat as the crowd practically rushes the stage, begging for more of the metallic god:[/color]
Nice roast, Tezz. Can't wait to see you in Wrestlemania.
Next up? He's a golem who became a planeswalker twice by the sacrifice of other planeswalkers. And he's a pacifist? Anyway, here's the silver guy himself: Karn!
Private Mod Note
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"The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing."
You know, when I was asked to come here today, it occurred to me that this guy we're roasting tonight might just be the only planeswalker older than me. Nicol Bolas, the Emperor of Madara, last surviving Elder Dragon, Most Powerful Being In The Multiverse... and he's just going to sit there while a bunch of young upstart neowalkers dig in to him? Count me in!
And what a selection of upstarts we have here tonight! Tezzeret, the guy who wishes he was me. How's that whole Doc Jest thing these days? Ever get him sorted, or has Nicol still got you by the Bolas? You were on top for so long it must be really hard for you to be someone's whipping boy... though maybe you got used to it after Jace had his way with you.
Speaking of Jace, how are you guy? Do you still think showing up in every other set will make you popular? Listen son, you had a great start. Those first couple cards were great. But seriously, take a break. Every time I see you around it's like going to watch Attack of the Clones. You better hope you find a woman who will love you for your mind, because nobody has wanted to play with your deck since Worldwake rotated!
But that's not really what you're after anyway, is it? Seriously, you're bordering on necrophilia hitting on such an old hag as Liliana. Yeah, she looks young enough, but did her deal with the devil really require so much plastic surgery? And for someone who's over a century old to have breasts that perky, she's got to be even more artificial than I am! Waxy skin, nose like Michael Jackson... Her latest card should have been called "Joan Rivers of the Veil" for Urza's sake!
And what about you, Ajani? Still trying to convince Elspeth to go feral? You put up a good fight, but how tough can you really be when you're so easily distracted by a laser pointer? I'm sure your enemies cower in fear every time you stop combat just to lick yourself. What's your story anyway? You just raged your way into igniting your spark? Frankly, anyone who learns how to be a planeswalker from Sarkhan Vol is just doing it wrong.
As for you, Sarkhan, you just need to move on. You asked Bolas out, he turned you down, get over it. You showing up here in the hopes of running into Nicol Bolas in the restroom, Senator Larry Craig style, is not going to make him change his mind. I know you were really excited when you heard they have cable at the asylum, but the kids PBS show "Dragon Tales" isn't going to help you get your fix. I'm afraid that's not the kind of dragon tail you're lusting for—despite you wearing a codpiece that says "R: +1/+0 until end of turn."
And on that note, Bolas, you need to seriously reevaluate how you do business. You've got one lackey who's just dragon**** nuts and the other just does whatever he pleases. How many times did Tezzeret kill you on that island? Forty? Fifty? Considering your color combo, I'd expect you to know a little something about control. Used to be that Elder Dragons knew a little something about scheming too, but your latest plans have me tempted to Photoshop a twirly moustache onto your snout. How did that plan on Alara go again? Step 1: Start all-out war on Alara; Step 2: Laugh maniacally for a little while; Step 3: Absorb a whole bunch of mana; Step 4: Get beaten by a cat?! Well done! At least you resisted the urge to shout out, "I'll get you next time! Next time!" as you ran away with your tail between your legs. I guess I really shouldn't be too surprised given that your first reign ended when you were beaten by a guy in flip-flops. Oh yeah, Tetsuo Umezawa had a hammer too, right? I guess that would make him a pretty huge threat to the dragon who claims to be the most powerful being in the multiverse. Oh wait.
But seriously, Nicol Bolas is truly THE big bad and is smarter than most of the multiverse combined. He may be old enough to fart dust, but he knows exactly what that dust is made of and exactly how it fits into his current plans (hint: it's a crucial part). Good luck with your next scheme, buddy. I'm rootin' for ya.
Wow, for someone who's not anatomically correct, you sure have a lot of guts... or something.
Next up is someone who's trying to repay her debt by killing her creditors. I should hire her to help renegotiate my mortgage. Anyway, she's taking a break from looking for the last two demons to come here: Liliana Vess.
Private Mod Note
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Rollback Post to RevisionRollBack
"The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing."
Liliana gracefully steps up to the podium. The room goes as silent as death. Appropriate because everyone in attendance knows that with a snap of her fingers they could all be mindless zombies in her ever growing horde.
How wonderful for all you worthless pawns to come see me speak. I know your here for me and my...talents I displayed on my second card. Nobody really cares about anyone else besides me anyway.
Ajani Goldmane, a broken kitten from a broken plane. Even your own pride didn't want you. They tolerated you only because your brother asked them to.
You are known as a purifier of souls. How very fortunate I don’t have one to purify. You white mages disgust me. Why heal the living when you could command the dead?
You finally got around to doing something with your talents, by using Bolas' own soul to scare him out of your plane. You know, that actually sounds like something I'd do. Now if only you could pull yourself out of the catnip perhaps we could get back to business.
Such a great leader, you run to those stronger than you for shelter. I would have you run to me. I would love to see rotting kitty flesh within my army. You were offered the position of Kha among your tribe, only to abdicate to the one that killed your brother. You now spend your time chasing a magical ball of twine across the multiverse. *Throws a ball of twine to Ajani. Have fun you cuddly little kitten, you have been de-clawed.
Here we have Arty Shovelhead the world builder, the eternal servant to whoevers spark is in his head this week. Whether it’s that moldy old man Urza, the phyrexian slime, or that disgusting worm Venser, you never quite know who is in charge of you. It’s kind of dirty when you think of it.
You know, I could really use a golem. Someone who will do whatever I say. What do you think; would you like to be infected by a little black magic again? The phyrexians did a hell of a job to Mirrodin just think what I could do. Instead of all those useless mutants it could be my own private plane of undeath.
Jace Beleren, I must commend you on your destruction of the Meta 3 years hence. The best I could do was push an established top dog into ban territory, so far at least. Your one main downfall is your conscience. It really is a useless notion. You could rule the multiverse if you weren't such a pansy. But if you are content with allowing me to rule in your stead while you cower from your own power on Ravnica so be it.
As an aside I must ask, how’s that rash Chandra left you? Still burn when you go to the bathroom? If I had been with that little trollop I would have cast Selective Memory on myself too.
Sarkhan Vol you are the worst kind of planeswalker. At least the rest of us are in it for power, freedom, or repentance. Sarkhan on the other hand is simply a fan boy. He tried to get Bolas to play DnD with him but Bolas, being a jock, turned him down. Like any nerd Sarkhan couldn't take no for an answer so he became a stalker and followed his reptilian overload across the multiverse. You know Bolas, you should just kill this fool. Nobody uses him.
Tezzeret, the personal love toy of Bolas, how does it feel owing your entire being to someone greater than you? You are pathetic just like Sarkhan. If you really want to deal with your masters kill them. Grislebrand learned that lesson the hard way.
You grew up in a shack and it really shows. I had no idea etherium could rust you dirty hillbilly. Given time maybe you’ll rust into a statue and bolas can put you out on the lawn.
Now we get to the man of the hour, Nicol Bolas. That sounds entirely to Russian. How much Vodka does it take to intoxicate an Elder dragon?
I see you finally have your own format, EDH. I had no idea the elder dragons were highlanders. Since you’re the only one left I guess the saying is true, there can be only one. But, if your Scottish, where is your skirt? Oh ya it’s on Jaces’ bedroom floor. I know what you two do when the rest of aren’t looking. Though I suppose I shouldn't bring that up since he left you for Niv Mizzet.
So when are you going to call it quits? You are the oldest living planeswalker. I’m guessing that’s why you have had agents and whatnot recently. Age growing on you a little bit? I know not all of us can look as good as me when they reach my age but seriously you need to moisturize. Your skin is all scaly.
I'm sure this has been as fun for me as it has for all you but I really must get back to my demon slaying. They wont kill themselves you know.
__________________
Thanks, Liliana. It's true Liliana has no soul. I've seen her dance.
Anyway, our next roaster is going crazy, so I think we should let him have his turn before he loses it. Ladies and gentlemen: Sarkhan Vol
I just been informed that Sarkhan Vol has been taken away to the mental institution for observation, so with that, so we go from a mental case to a mentalist: Jace Beleren.
"My friends. I just... ah. Karn, the legend. Didn't disappear in midsentence this time, did you? 'Grats. I'd hate for Moss_E's show to get reset- I mean, rescheduled.
"Can I get a-?" *waits for someone to get him a glass*
*looks at the glass like it's a cat*
"Lili, my lovely raven. I must say you've given me a new outlook on life's little quandaries. Why acknowledge the expiry date on my bread if I can take it to the bakery, beat the retailer over the head with it, and banish the baker's mind to Netherbeing as an example to all the other bakers not to give me that line? Wasted words I say." *tips the glass, downs it*
"Tezzeret the 'Seeker'. You-" *snrk* "When-" *snorting noise*
*cough laugh*
"..." *wheezy laugh* "... a shack ...!" *quacking laugh* *Jace bangs the podium* *rests body on podium*
*long pause with eyes closed* *looks at Tezz* *sobbing laugh*
*brushes away tears*
"Speaking of roaming, Tezz, make sure you check with the venue before you leave, Tezz. There was something about fining you at parking rates as some kind of station wagon. I was able to barter you down to midsize car, just don't give them any reason to think you're a family man.
"Yeah that's it. That's the face."
*gets another glass*
"My friends, it's really something to be asked to speak in this forum about this legend-birthing, colossal-" *gesturing* "-mind-boggling screwup. Nicol Bolas. My relationship with this overgrown gecko began in a strange world, pristine, clean water. Lots of storage space. Gently air-conditioned. You know it as the perfect living quarters for a twenty-something with no coherent ambition and aimless habits. The real figure being about one thousand times greater than this... at least our established 'entrepreneur' Liliana is well in the clear." *drinks to that* "Yes, at her rates, Karn, you'll wanna hear this, my broad studies tell me Nicol is in fact one point five demon-slayings younger - younger - than Joan Rivers. The comparison you're looking for is Betty White.
"Back to the living, meeting this tryhard for the first time, I thought to myself, 'by the Eternities, he must be the master at this by now!' I knew I had to study up. First time we had really seen each other, and there was Nicol, eyeing my curiosity and daring like a degenerate signing a preteen pop singer. Oh I was a believer. I believed it was none too soon to get the Hell out of that body and swap some rival into it - a tom, say, whom I knew would compete with me for the attention of a woman." *shakes head, eyes upturned* "Whew."
*places hands far apart on podium*
"Yes, I'm sure the interdimensional travel has something to do with Nick losing the distinction out to Rivers, eldest beings and all." *turns to Bolas* "-Sorry Nicol. Upside is you have had less facial work done. You're at what, three touchups? Decided improvement since your first public outing in Legends." *violent shudder, turning away* "Yoi."
"Put me in touch with your cosmeticist. Or, no, Hell, give Ajani a number for Feroz' sake. Man you cannot sit on deals like that, hook us up." *leans on elbows* "Ajani, bro, the scars are cool, by all means, but you are getting profiled, I can promise you." *makes dumb face and flicks finger at his own head*
*smooth breath*
"I want to share something with this forum. It is a vast honour, to receive that urging, that egging-on, to speak on behalf of others as much as to my own opinion. So much so that for a few minutes, I considered doing it. But my talents would forbid you all the enjoyment of plausible deniability, that common luxury which I believe Wexford's dictionary defines, and can only put best, as 'Not imploding under Elder Dragon rage.' It's not definition one, it's definition two. Two."
"Yikes, you take an oaf like Nickie, you give him a few-" *rolls eyes* "-thousand years of knowledge and power, and when one bit of it starts to slip away it's all clenched talons and doom plots.
"You need to learn to forget, Nicol. Did Darius the First of Persia brood and lament when he fell under suspicion from Cyrus the Great, king before him? No, Nicko," *matter-of-factly, turns to him* "-he became bodyguard to Cyrus' son, who somehow died while with him in Egypt, and he returned to Persia to kill the other brother and take the throne, crushing three internal rebellions and warring for expansion into Greece.
"Now there's a lesson in this. Ah. Hmm. This isn't going like I thought it would - but see, just go with it. Karn over there was made god-king of Incarnate Plague tropes and presided over the despoilment of his own childplane - which I guess is kind of like getting shortlisted for adoption and resorting to breeding the ones you have for more - and he looks chipper to me."
"...
Come to think of it forget the- Forget I said that."
*avoids eye-contact with Karn now*
"Nicol, you who unite us in arms, in tears. You who deign to orchestrate plots across centuries and never bother to work in your own infamy as a liability. And you who treat Tezzeret as more disposable than his volume in water to a drowning man, you inspire ambition and nobility in all, in your myriad failures as much as solemn successes. I would not rather war with any other king."
Now we're going to hear from the roastee himself. Ladies and gentlemen: Nicol Bolas!!
GET OFF MY LAWN YOU PUNKS!
WHERE ARE MY PRUNES??
Well, I guess we shouldn't expect more than that from someone who saw the Big Bang. Anyway, it's time to critique the roasts. Here's the outline, as posted in the first post:
How funny it is (Self-explanatory): 1-10
How well does the entry incorporate the other players/planeswalkers? (A good roast gives everyone on the dais equal slammage) 1-10
How well does it cover the roastee? (They're usually the reason these roasts are put together in the first place) 1-10
How creative is the entry overall? 1-10
Ajani Goldmane, [Clan Flamingo]
How funny is it: 6
How well does the entry incorporate the other players/planeswalkers: 5
How well does it cover the roastee: 6
How creative is the entry overall: 6
Overall: 23
Karn, [The Crafters]
How funny is it: 7
How well does the entry incorporate the other players/planeswalkers: 7
How well does it cover the roastee: 6
How creative is the entry overall: 7
Overall: 27
Liliana Vess, [Clan Mono Black]
How funny is it: 2
How well does the entry incorporate the other players/planeswalkers: 4
How well does it cover the roastee: 5
How creative is the entry overall: 8
Overall: 19
Jace Beleren, [the Tolarian Academy]
How funny is it: 7
How well does the entry incorporate the other players/planeswalkers: 7
How well does it cover the roastee: 7
How creative is the entry overall: 6
Overall: 27
That's right! A celebrity roast. And the planeswalker we'll be roasting is Nicol Bolas! And here to roast Bolas is... well, other planeswalkers. How many? That depends on how many clans sign up.
The challenge is each clan will be roleplaying a planeswalker, given to them at random, and will post a speech that slams the roastee, and, in the end, praises him. Of course, being a roast all the other roasters are fair game.
Here's an example:
You can find other examples on YouTube under “Dean Martin roasts” or “Comedy Central Roasts” (viewer discretion advised).
After all the submissions are in, each clan will grade all the other clans' speeches, using the following rubric:
How funny it is (Self-explanatory): 1-10
How well does the entry incorporate the other players/planeswalkers? (A good roast gives everyone on the dais equal slammage) 1-10
How well does it cover the roastee? (They're usually the reason these roasts are put together in the first place) 1-10
How creative is the entry overall? 1-10
But enough of that. Time for the clans to sign in, which ends Thursday, April 11.
Participating clans and their assigned planeswalker:
[The Crafters] as Karn[Clan Monoblack] as Liliana Vess[House Dimir] as Tezzeret[Clan Flamingo] as Ajani Goldmane[Tolarian Academy] as Jace Beleren
[Kitchen Table Finks] as Sarkhan Vol - DROPPED
Here's the rundown of what I'm hoping to see:
- Introductions
- Ajani Goldmane (order will be determined randomly)
- roastmaster
- Tezzeret
- roastmaster
- Karn
- roastmaster
- Liliana Vess
- roastmaster
- Sarkhan Vol (seven days)
- roastmaster
- Jace Beleren
- roastmaster & Nicol Bolas's Speech.
- Judgings.
Okay, the roasting begins at post #7.
/in
Coming to collect on late fees owed to the Library.
Putting the sexy in Science Fiction!
gamertag: filthychocolate
STARRING:
KARN
AJANI GOLDMANE
LILIANA VESS
TEZZERET
JACE BELEREN
AND NOW, HERE IS TONIGHT'S ROASTMASTER: MOSS_ELEMENTAL
Thank you, Mr. Announcer guy. That's right, folks, after millenia of roasting his enemies, entire empires and his mother-in-law, we're going to be roasting Nicol Bolas. Nicol's been around the Multiverse so many times, his spark's saying “Slow down, you'll get a heart attack, if you had a heart.” And, boy, is he old? Word has it he was Strom Thurmond's childhood friend. On the other hand, he's defeated other powerful dragons, killed Leshrac and had sex with Paris Hilton. Twice. Man, I would love to have his spark.
Anyway, that's my attempt at humour. Now, it's time to give these other guys a shot at roasting Nicol.
Our first roaster is from the Naya part of Alara, who fought Nicol and lived to tell about it. Now he's using his new weapons: Quick wit and his brother's axe. Here he is: AJANI GOLDMANE.
Nicol Bolas might look young and powerful, but don't forget that he's one of the Elder Dragons. That's right. Elder. Do you have any idea how old most dragons in the multiverse are? Even older than our stoic golem here, though at least they still have enough juice in their testicles to kill when they need to. Whether an Elder Dragon's fluids are still pumping, I'd rather leave that to your imagination. Regardless, being so old, Nicol Bolas recently underwent a big image change. He realized that if he wanted any credibility, he couldn't go around looking like a shriveled old lizard. Ol' Nicky B. decided to take a hint from that other millennia old dragon - you know the one. Name's Madonna. - and reinvent himself. First thing he tried: lesbian kiss. The old bag of scales figured if he could smack his dessicated lips against some up and coming starlet, maybe he could suck the life out of her. Regrettably, not even Liliana was game enough to put her mouth on that, though we were all surprised considering the other wrinkled old demons she's sold herself to. Everybody who works for the great lumbago lizard goes just a bit crazy and embraces the dark part of the color pie. Don't take my word for it, just ask Mr. Tezz over there. How is Nicky's insurance plan anyway Tezz? Did he make you pay for that arm transplant? That must be why we haven't seen you around recently, you can't afford the AErfare to get off Alara. Maybe ask Jace for a loan, I hear he runs a stellar business out of Ravnica. How about it Jace? Think you can take some time out of your busy schedule inappropriate teenage angst and pining after black-hearted, manipulative women long enough to give your old boss a lift to Standard? I digress. Bolas is one hell of an adversary though, and by that I mean its a shock he isn't dead and gone to hell by now with his combat record. He can't even defeat an Evil Twin of himself conjured by a "much lesser planeswalker," - his words not mine - even though he absorbed Alara's entire Maelstrom. Wow. And to top it all off, this incredible genius can't even spell patheitc right!
Now on to our next guest. He's a native Alaran who's lost his mind, literally and he's full of two things: etherium and himself. Here's TEZZERET.
[color=navy]:Tezzeret, Agent of Bolas uncrosses his legs in a swirl of bright pink light. standing up, the Etherium master collects his silvery goblet. he casually looks at the other roasters, then glances over the crowd. he walks towards the podium, ignoring the roast master and smirking at the Roastie. Tezzeret reaches the podium, sits his cup on the top of it and pulls a folded piece of paper from seemingly out of no where. he clears his throat, and stares at the audience for a brief period as the audience's applause dies down. staring directly at Sarkan Vol seated in the front row, he begins his roast:[/color]
"Sarkan Vol."
[color=navy]the crowd laughs uproariously:[/color]
"They say Im the Agent of Bolas. Would that make Sarkhan Vol a friend with benefits? Sarkhan Vol is about as useful as Mishra, Artificer Prodigy in Commander.
Who else is that out there? Is that Koth, or is that a fire pit? I can't ever tell.
Haha! Ga-rook, Ga-rook, Garruk Wild Speaker! He has about as many intelligent thoughts as M12 had legendary creatures. Woah! Just kidding Garruk. Please don't eat me. Wait, can you digest metal?"
[color=navy]:garruk looks confused:[/color]
"Forget I asked."
[color=navy]:tezzeret looks over to karn:[/color]
When I saw Karn in New Phyrexia, he was really on the edge of his seat. I asked him what the problem was, and he said he needed a date. I didn't know what to say. I asked him what the problem was, and he told me he was just a bit rusty.
[color=navy]:sarkhan vol laughs loudly:[/color]
"I'm kinda scared of Jace. Seems like every time Liliana sleeps with a guy he turns out to be a soul-eating demon.
Speaking of diarrhea, what can possibly be said about Jace that hasn't been said by someone who drank water in Innistrad?
Jace and Liliana make a good couple. In the way WotC made Nicol-Bolas, Planeswalker a playable card. Be careful there, buddy, she's got the green envy now."
[color=navy]:tezzeret peers at liliana, shaking his head:[/color]
"Is the old saying true, Lili? 'Once you go green, you're never clean.'?"
[color=navy]:looks across the room at Garruk:[/color]
"What about the other one, 'Once you go black, your printed on the back.'? Sorry Garruk, but we all know what Veil Cursed really means.
Ajani took forever getting up here. I guess he must have been cat-napping. I knew he was getting old, but I didn't know he was the.old cat lady. Urza-H-Brother, did he just spray on my seat?
[color=navy]:tezzeret touches his metal glass, and it turns into a.spray bottle. He then sprays a pink liiquid in the general direction of Ajani:[/color]
"Bad kitty! No!"
[color=navy]:the crowd laughs harder than ever, and applauds. tezzeret tosses the bottle into the audience. Nisaa Revane and Tamiyo the Moonsage squabble over it. Surprisingly, Tibalt reaches in to grab it, and blows a kiss as tezzeret. raising an eyebrow at the result, tez looks up at Bolas:[/color]
"It seems Bolas is just the go-to filler plot bad guy; basically the Daleks of the multiverse. He's less relevant than Tibalt in standard! Or any format.
Yeah, Bolas isn't one of those bosses you can prank and screw around with... He won't just fire you, he'll incinerate you where you stand. And you wanna know why Bolas' story has changed more than Jace's hairstyle? He's stspped reading! Do you see any books in his latest incarnation? Mind you, nobody took him seriously with his glasses on, and nobody alive today makes dragon-sized contact lenses...
Bolas is so old he still uses MySpace and his only friend aside from Tom is Sarkhan.
You know what Bolas and Rakish Heir have in common? Being the odd one out in their corsets. Bolas being multicolor and [/color]Rakish Heir being the only transgendered. Wait, I mean core sets, not corsets. To be honest, Lili wore it better.
[color=navy]tezzeret sighs:[/color]
Nicol Bolas: The most ancient and powerful being in the multiverse. He's gonna cop a hell of a fine when he returns those library books.
Elder dragon, huh? I guess that makes him too old to do things himself! Trust me, Sarkhan told me all about it...Bolas didn't keep him alive so he could carry out some mysterious plot. Turns out he just needed help going to the bathroom! We should call him an Elderly Dragon instead!
I just realized Bolas is probably the most pimp planeswalker of the multiverse. He gave me this awesome pink light in my abdomen, you know? Only a pimp would hook me up like that. He has his own private plane. Complete with his own private flight attendants. The man has taste, right? Okay, probably, when creating a crew of flight attendants, if you're 25000 years old, a mirror should probably not be the tool of choice."
[color=navy]:tezzeret smiles and the crowd goes absolutely bonkers. he folds the paper back up and it disappears in a pink puff of smoke. tezzeret looks directly at Sorin, Lord of Innistrad, and nods subtly. he grabs the mic with his etherium hand, then bangs his chest twice with the mic:[/color]
"GO TEAM SORIN!"
[color=navy]:tezzeret drops the mic, and calmly walks to his seat as the crowd practically rushes the stage, begging for more of the metallic god:[/color]
Putting the sexy in Science Fiction!
gamertag: filthychocolate
Next up? He's a golem who became a planeswalker twice by the sacrifice of other planeswalkers. And he's a pacifist? Anyway, here's the silver guy himself: Karn!
You know, when I was asked to come here today, it occurred to me that this guy we're roasting tonight might just be the only planeswalker older than me. Nicol Bolas, the Emperor of Madara, last surviving Elder Dragon, Most Powerful Being In The Multiverse... and he's just going to sit there while a bunch of young upstart neowalkers dig in to him? Count me in!
And what a selection of upstarts we have here tonight! Tezzeret, the guy who wishes he was me. How's that whole Doc Jest thing these days? Ever get him sorted, or has Nicol still got you by the Bolas? You were on top for so long it must be really hard for you to be someone's whipping boy... though maybe you got used to it after Jace had his way with you.
Speaking of Jace, how are you guy? Do you still think showing up in every other set will make you popular? Listen son, you had a great start. Those first couple cards were great. But seriously, take a break. Every time I see you around it's like going to watch Attack of the Clones. You better hope you find a woman who will love you for your mind, because nobody has wanted to play with your deck since Worldwake rotated!
But that's not really what you're after anyway, is it? Seriously, you're bordering on necrophilia hitting on such an old hag as Liliana. Yeah, she looks young enough, but did her deal with the devil really require so much plastic surgery? And for someone who's over a century old to have breasts that perky, she's got to be even more artificial than I am! Waxy skin, nose like Michael Jackson... Her latest card should have been called "Joan Rivers of the Veil" for Urza's sake!
And what about you, Ajani? Still trying to convince Elspeth to go feral? You put up a good fight, but how tough can you really be when you're so easily distracted by a laser pointer? I'm sure your enemies cower in fear every time you stop combat just to lick yourself. What's your story anyway? You just raged your way into igniting your spark? Frankly, anyone who learns how to be a planeswalker from Sarkhan Vol is just doing it wrong.
As for you, Sarkhan, you just need to move on. You asked Bolas out, he turned you down, get over it. You showing up here in the hopes of running into Nicol Bolas in the restroom, Senator Larry Craig style, is not going to make him change his mind. I know you were really excited when you heard they have cable at the asylum, but the kids PBS show "Dragon Tales" isn't going to help you get your fix. I'm afraid that's not the kind of dragon tail you're lusting for—despite you wearing a codpiece that says "R: +1/+0 until end of turn."
And on that note, Bolas, you need to seriously reevaluate how you do business. You've got one lackey who's just dragon**** nuts and the other just does whatever he pleases. How many times did Tezzeret kill you on that island? Forty? Fifty? Considering your color combo, I'd expect you to know a little something about control. Used to be that Elder Dragons knew a little something about scheming too, but your latest plans have me tempted to Photoshop a twirly moustache onto your snout. How did that plan on Alara go again? Step 1: Start all-out war on Alara; Step 2: Laugh maniacally for a little while; Step 3: Absorb a whole bunch of mana; Step 4: Get beaten by a cat?! Well done! At least you resisted the urge to shout out, "I'll get you next time! Next time!" as you ran away with your tail between your legs. I guess I really shouldn't be too surprised given that your first reign ended when you were beaten by a guy in flip-flops. Oh yeah, Tetsuo Umezawa had a hammer too, right? I guess that would make him a pretty huge threat to the dragon who claims to be the most powerful being in the multiverse. Oh wait.
But seriously, Nicol Bolas is truly THE big bad and is smarter than most of the multiverse combined. He may be old enough to fart dust, but he knows exactly what that dust is made of and exactly how it fits into his current plans (hint: it's a crucial part). Good luck with your next scheme, buddy. I'm rootin' for ya.
Next up is someone who's trying to repay her debt by killing her creditors. I should hire her to help renegotiate my mortgage. Anyway, she's taking a break from looking for the last two demons to come here: Liliana Vess.
How wonderful for all you worthless pawns to come see me speak. I know your here for me and my...talents I displayed on my second card. Nobody really cares about anyone else besides me anyway.
Ajani Goldmane, a broken kitten from a broken plane. Even your own pride didn't want you. They tolerated you only because your brother asked them to.
You are known as a purifier of souls. How very fortunate I don’t have one to purify. You white mages disgust me. Why heal the living when you could command the dead?
You finally got around to doing something with your talents, by using Bolas' own soul to scare him out of your plane. You know, that actually sounds like something I'd do. Now if only you could pull yourself out of the catnip perhaps we could get back to business.
Such a great leader, you run to those stronger than you for shelter. I would have you run to me. I would love to see rotting kitty flesh within my army. You were offered the position of Kha among your tribe, only to abdicate to the one that killed your brother. You now spend your time chasing a magical ball of twine across the multiverse. *Throws a ball of twine to Ajani. Have fun you cuddly little kitten, you have been de-clawed.
Here we have Arty Shovelhead the world builder, the eternal servant to whoevers spark is in his head this week. Whether it’s that moldy old man Urza, the phyrexian slime, or that disgusting worm Venser, you never quite know who is in charge of you. It’s kind of dirty when you think of it.
You know, I could really use a golem. Someone who will do whatever I say. What do you think; would you like to be infected by a little black magic again? The phyrexians did a hell of a job to Mirrodin just think what I could do. Instead of all those useless mutants it could be my own private plane of undeath.
Jace Beleren, I must commend you on your destruction of the Meta 3 years hence. The best I could do was push an established top dog into ban territory, so far at least. Your one main downfall is your conscience. It really is a useless notion. You could rule the multiverse if you weren't such a pansy. But if you are content with allowing me to rule in your stead while you cower from your own power on Ravnica so be it.
As an aside I must ask, how’s that rash Chandra left you? Still burn when you go to the bathroom? If I had been with that little trollop I would have cast Selective Memory on myself too.
Sarkhan Vol you are the worst kind of planeswalker. At least the rest of us are in it for power, freedom, or repentance. Sarkhan on the other hand is simply a fan boy. He tried to get Bolas to play DnD with him but Bolas, being a jock, turned him down. Like any nerd Sarkhan couldn't take no for an answer so he became a stalker and followed his reptilian overload across the multiverse. You know Bolas, you should just kill this fool. Nobody uses him.
Tezzeret, the personal love toy of Bolas, how does it feel owing your entire being to someone greater than you? You are pathetic just like Sarkhan. If you really want to deal with your masters kill them. Grislebrand learned that lesson the hard way.
You grew up in a shack and it really shows. I had no idea etherium could rust you dirty hillbilly. Given time maybe you’ll rust into a statue and bolas can put you out on the lawn.
Now we get to the man of the hour, Nicol Bolas. That sounds entirely to Russian. How much Vodka does it take to intoxicate an Elder dragon?
I see you finally have your own format, EDH. I had no idea the elder dragons were highlanders. Since you’re the only one left I guess the saying is true, there can be only one. But, if your Scottish, where is your skirt? Oh ya it’s on Jaces’ bedroom floor. I know what you two do when the rest of aren’t looking. Though I suppose I shouldn't bring that up since he left you for Niv Mizzet.
So when are you going to call it quits? You are the oldest living planeswalker. I’m guessing that’s why you have had agents and whatnot recently. Age growing on you a little bit? I know not all of us can look as good as me when they reach my age but seriously you need to moisturize. Your skin is all scaly.
I'm sure this has been as fun for me as it has for all you but I really must get back to my demon slaying. They wont kill themselves you know.
__________________
Anyway, our next roaster is going crazy, so I think we should let him have his turn before he loses it. Ladies and gentlemen: Sarkhan Vol
I just been informed that Sarkhan Vol has been taken away to the mental institution for observation, so with that, so we go from a mental case to a mentalist: Jace Beleren.
"My friends. I just... ah. Karn, the legend. Didn't disappear in midsentence this time, did you? 'Grats. I'd hate for Moss_E's show to get reset- I mean, rescheduled.
"Can I get a-?" *waits for someone to get him a glass*
*looks at the glass like it's a cat*
"Lili, my lovely raven. I must say you've given me a new outlook on life's little quandaries. Why acknowledge the expiry date on my bread if I can take it to the bakery, beat the retailer over the head with it, and banish the baker's mind to Netherbeing as an example to all the other bakers not to give me that line? Wasted words I say." *tips the glass, downs it*
"Tezzeret the 'Seeker'. You-" *snrk* "When-" *snorting noise*
*cough laugh*
"..." *wheezy laugh* "... a shack ...!" *quacking laugh* *Jace bangs the podium* *rests body on podium*
*long pause with eyes closed* *looks at Tezz* *sobbing laugh*
*brushes away tears*
"Speaking of roaming, Tezz, make sure you check with the venue before you leave, Tezz. There was something about fining you at parking rates as some kind of station wagon. I was able to barter you down to midsize car, just don't give them any reason to think you're a family man.
"Yeah that's it. That's the face."
*gets another glass*
"My friends, it's really something to be asked to speak in this forum about this legend-birthing, colossal-" *gesturing* "-mind-boggling screwup. Nicol Bolas. My relationship with this overgrown gecko began in a strange world, pristine, clean water. Lots of storage space. Gently air-conditioned. You know it as the perfect living quarters for a twenty-something with no coherent ambition and aimless habits. The real figure being about one thousand times greater than this... at least our established 'entrepreneur' Liliana is well in the clear." *drinks to that* "Yes, at her rates, Karn, you'll wanna hear this, my broad studies tell me Nicol is in fact one point five demon-slayings younger - younger - than Joan Rivers. The comparison you're looking for is Betty White.
"Back to the living, meeting this tryhard for the first time, I thought to myself, 'by the Eternities, he must be the master at this by now!' I knew I had to study up. First time we had really seen each other, and there was Nicol, eyeing my curiosity and daring like a degenerate signing a preteen pop singer. Oh I was a believer. I believed it was none too soon to get the Hell out of that body and swap some rival into it - a tom, say, whom I knew would compete with me for the attention of a woman." *shakes head, eyes upturned* "Whew."
*places hands far apart on podium*
"Yes, I'm sure the interdimensional travel has something to do with Nick losing the distinction out to Rivers, eldest beings and all." *turns to Bolas* "-Sorry Nicol. Upside is you have had less facial work done. You're at what, three touchups? Decided improvement since your first public outing in Legends." *violent shudder, turning away* "Yoi."
"Put me in touch with your cosmeticist. Or, no, Hell, give Ajani a number for Feroz' sake. Man you cannot sit on deals like that, hook us up." *leans on elbows* "Ajani, bro, the scars are cool, by all means, but you are getting profiled, I can promise you." *makes dumb face and flicks finger at his own head*
*smooth breath*
"I want to share something with this forum. It is a vast honour, to receive that urging, that egging-on, to speak on behalf of others as much as to my own opinion. So much so that for a few minutes, I considered doing it. But my talents would forbid you all the enjoyment of plausible deniability, that common luxury which I believe Wexford's dictionary defines, and can only put best, as 'Not imploding under Elder Dragon rage.' It's not definition one, it's definition two. Two."
"Yikes, you take an oaf like Nickie, you give him a few-" *rolls eyes* "-thousand years of knowledge and power, and when one bit of it starts to slip away it's all clenched talons and doom plots.
"You need to learn to forget, Nicol. Did Darius the First of Persia brood and lament when he fell under suspicion from Cyrus the Great, king before him? No, Nicko," *matter-of-factly, turns to him* "-he became bodyguard to Cyrus' son, who somehow died while with him in Egypt, and he returned to Persia to kill the other brother and take the throne, crushing three internal rebellions and warring for expansion into Greece.
"Now there's a lesson in this. Ah. Hmm. This isn't going like I thought it would - but see, just go with it. Karn over there was made god-king of Incarnate Plague tropes and presided over the despoilment of his own childplane - which I guess is kind of like getting shortlisted for adoption and resorting to breeding the ones you have for more - and he looks chipper to me."
"...
Come to think of it forget the- Forget I said that."
*avoids eye-contact with Karn now*
"Nicol, you who unite us in arms, in tears. You who deign to orchestrate plots across centuries and never bother to work in your own infamy as a liability. And you who treat Tezzeret as more disposable than his volume in water to a drowning man, you inspire ambition and nobility in all, in your myriad failures as much as solemn successes. I would not rather war with any other king."
Now we're going to hear from the roastee himself. Ladies and gentlemen: Nicol Bolas!!
WHERE ARE MY PRUNES??
Well, I guess we shouldn't expect more than that from someone who saw the Big Bang. Anyway, it's time to critique the roasts. Here's the outline, as posted in the first post:
How funny it is (Self-explanatory): 1-10
How well does the entry incorporate the other players/planeswalkers? (A good roast gives everyone on the dais equal slammage) 1-10
How well does it cover the roastee? (They're usually the reason these roasts are put together in the first place) 1-10
How creative is the entry overall? 1-10
You all have seven days to submit your cirtiques.
First, here are the scores handed out by the clans:
And we add up the totals:
CF: 16+27+23+27=93
CMB: 15+26+19+31=91
Crafters: 25+32+27+32=116
Dimir: 22+32+30+33=117
Tolarian: 18+22+28+27=95
And the winner by one point is [REDACTED]. Congratulations!
Thanks to everyone who participated.
There were some hilarious parts in every entry.
I smh at some of the jibes, lol.
@ME, thanks for running the contest!
Putting the sexy in Science Fiction!
gamertag: filthychocolate
I have an idea for another contest, but I'll save that for next year.
Thanks to everyone who contributed!
Bloodflow Overseer
of House Dimir