Ok, I really don't want to get into a long, drawn out story about my life, but to better understand my situation, I guess I have to, so I apologize in advance for the length.
First and foremost, I am currently getting out of a bad marriage. It was an emotionally abusive one, and after years of lying to myself and others, I finally ended it and decided to be true to myself. I used to identify as bisexual, but hid it from my father. I did what he wanted, and dated mostly girls, but things never really clicked. In fact, I was a virgin until I was 17, because I wasn't physically attracted to most of the girls I dated. Anyways, I had been with the girl for nearly 5 years when she decided she wanted to get married. I tried to tell her that I wanted to be financially secured before we did, generally trying to logically delay what I didn't want to do. In the end, she got her way, because I got tired of arguing about it. So at 21, I got married. Things went south from there quickly with her, and after 3 agonizing years of arguing and being looked down on for having nothing of my own, I left her. I always had a crush on her best friend, and I knew he liked me, too. After I left her, she moved on within a week, and I waited until I was about to move to step up and ask her friend out. He said yes, and i felt like I hadn't in years.
Fast forward a few weeks to when I started to stop lying about which gender I was attracted to. I told my family, except for my dad, not knowing how he'd take it. Well, my mom ended up telling him, and he was upset by it. Different generations, different ways of life, that whole story. He believed that gay people didn't deserve any rights, but the rest of my family accepted me and were happy for me. So now I have to put up with my dad, and it got to the point when I told him flat out, "This is who I am. I am still the same son you raised, the only difference is that for once in my life, I am not lying about anything." You see, I was a pathological liar, and I never kept any promises to anyone. I always looked down on others, which is ironic, since I am a kind hearted person who is generous to a fault. Well, needless to say, my dad blames my ex-wife for my "condition", as he put it. He thinks I will "get better". That alone pisses me off to no end, because he is treating me like an ill little child instead of the man I am trying to be now. Ever since i came out, I have started liking the person I see in the mirror, and I keep noticing the changes in me, and it makes me smile.
Anyways, I moved out of the state that my boyfriend lives in, and I can only see him once in a blue moon. I recently found out that his internet bill is overdue, which he didn't tell me after I told him I had gotten a job already. In fact, I just found out three nights ago. I got paid today, but I can't send him any money yet, because of my current issues. So, now that you know my story, or the gist of it, I will tell you what I need advice on.
My dad wasn't working for the past few weeks. His job was so slow that they put him on hold, promising to bring him back in when they got work. My mom doesn't work thanks to a mistake she made when she got involved with the wrong people. That means that I am the only one, minus my grandfather, who has any money. My dad started working yesterday, but he is unsure if he will have his car insurance money. Well, I have enough for that. But I am conflicted because I know my boyfriend, who is also unemployed, needs my help, too. Like I said, I am generous to a fault, something that i am actually proud of. The thing is that I told my boyfriend back when I was with my ex that he needed to find a job, but he was too lazy to get one after he lost his last one due to a strike.
So I am torn between helping the man who raised me, and the man who loves me. Both have told me not to worry about it, but I do anyways. Part of me wants to hold onto my money for this week, to teach both my dad and my boyfriend a lesson, but the kinder part of me knows I can't do that. Part of me hopes that if I give my dad the money, he might accept me as who I am, but I am not naive enough to believe that will happen.
Any advice on what I should do? And any advice on getting my dad to at least tolerate me and my boyfriend? Because the last time I got to see my boyfriend was last week, and I couldn't go to my sisters' house with him because my dad was there.
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Your father has other avenues to procure money. Temporary loans, your grandfather etc.
Your bf likely also has additional avenues to procure money. (His parents, relatives, excess savings)
For now look out for your own well-being, not because you are selfish, but because you probably need some savings for your own rainy day. Moreover, money is one of those things that can almost always be loaned out.
Unless one of them is dying from lack of medical care, a missed payment or two isn't going to be the end of the world for either of them. If there need becomes greater in the future, you can always loan out your money then. Not loaning your money now does not prevent you from loaning it out in the future.
First I would analyse who would have a easier time finding another one to ask money for. Doesn't your boyfriend have a family of his own to ask money ? Doesn't your father have other people to ask for ?
Another thing is which could get the money from another source (such as selling some luxury he doesn't need or changing some consumption habits).
Finally other aspect to ponder would be the outcome of not lending money. You father will loose the car if you don't and that will reduce his capability to get another job ? Do you rely on the internet to talk and see your boyfriend and without it it might have some bad consequence to your relationship ?
You might also consider the effectiveness of doing a compromise (lending part of the money to each one).
As last resort, I would be skewed toward lending money to my family. For some reason I think family have a enormous importance in financial matters but that's just me.
I had a fairly close friend who was a pathological liar, and this just confuses the issue you are describing. Could you elaborate? Are you talking actual, 'making up stories all the time' pathological liar or only in the sense that you lied about your feelings?
In the situation you mention, there is only one answer: Don't give either of them money. If your father is as you describe him, he won't appreciate it and might actually find it insulting (never give your parents money unless they ask or hint). Your boyfriend, regardless of how much you love him, has no real ties to you and has his own family from whom he might get assistance. Don't take on the financial problems of someone you are dating without a real commitment, especially when you are in a long-distance relationship with that person. The one exception is paying to have the person come visit you if necessary, but even then be careful.
Money and family and money and relationships don't mix. As your ex (or soon-to-be) ex should have taught you, thinking with your heart first when it comes to money is frequently a mistake that will get you in trouble.
Get yourself in real financial shape first, with six months to a year's worth of pay saved, before you even think of giving money to others. And be clear in your mind and your heart that you are giving this money away, not lending it, because lending money to family and friends can lead to divisions.
My boyfriend's family is struggling to get by ever since his mom was in an accident a few weeks ago. They help him when they can, but right now, they only have one person working and they other collecting disability.
As for me being a pathological liar, I used to liar about anything if I thought it would make people like me. I always had self-esteem issues, and most of them stemmed from the fact that I didn't want to come to terms with my sexuality. Something happened in my life recently that made me realize that all my lying was ruining everything I cared for, so I decided to be truthful about everything.
Thanks for the advice everyone. I am going to save my money for now. My boyfriend can use free wifi for anything he needs, and my dad told me he is going to ask my grandfather for what they need. I don't feel so bad anymore. Thank you all.
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Despite all of my relationships having been over 2 years in length and my constant need to financially support them, probably stemming from my own father abandoning my mother when I was a child, I would strongly suggest not giving money to your boyfriend. If he is a great guy who would never use you or be skewed by the value outside of emotional and physical connection, then he would refuse the money. Otherwise, it could end up being a problem for you long term.
I also, would always help my family first. When I got laid off from my job, lost my credit, my car, and my house (long story) but three months later got a check for my pension and 401k for around $7k, I gave it to my mom. She was pretty close to paying off her credit card debt and wanted to refinance her car but they wouldn't let her until the rest of her outstanding debt went away and she has always been there for me. But I do know it is a different dynamic for men so your father may see the situation much differently from the way my mom did when I offered to give her the money.
They both ended up refusing to take the money. My boyfriend even said that if I sent him any, he'd just send it back. My dad already found a way to come up with the money, and my boyfriend decided that he could use the free wifi some of the local places have to pay his bills. I still worry about him, though.
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First and foremost, I am currently getting out of a bad marriage. It was an emotionally abusive one, and after years of lying to myself and others, I finally ended it and decided to be true to myself. I used to identify as bisexual, but hid it from my father. I did what he wanted, and dated mostly girls, but things never really clicked. In fact, I was a virgin until I was 17, because I wasn't physically attracted to most of the girls I dated. Anyways, I had been with the girl for nearly 5 years when she decided she wanted to get married. I tried to tell her that I wanted to be financially secured before we did, generally trying to logically delay what I didn't want to do. In the end, she got her way, because I got tired of arguing about it. So at 21, I got married. Things went south from there quickly with her, and after 3 agonizing years of arguing and being looked down on for having nothing of my own, I left her. I always had a crush on her best friend, and I knew he liked me, too. After I left her, she moved on within a week, and I waited until I was about to move to step up and ask her friend out. He said yes, and i felt like I hadn't in years.
Fast forward a few weeks to when I started to stop lying about which gender I was attracted to. I told my family, except for my dad, not knowing how he'd take it. Well, my mom ended up telling him, and he was upset by it. Different generations, different ways of life, that whole story. He believed that gay people didn't deserve any rights, but the rest of my family accepted me and were happy for me. So now I have to put up with my dad, and it got to the point when I told him flat out, "This is who I am. I am still the same son you raised, the only difference is that for once in my life, I am not lying about anything." You see, I was a pathological liar, and I never kept any promises to anyone. I always looked down on others, which is ironic, since I am a kind hearted person who is generous to a fault. Well, needless to say, my dad blames my ex-wife for my "condition", as he put it. He thinks I will "get better". That alone pisses me off to no end, because he is treating me like an ill little child instead of the man I am trying to be now. Ever since i came out, I have started liking the person I see in the mirror, and I keep noticing the changes in me, and it makes me smile.
Anyways, I moved out of the state that my boyfriend lives in, and I can only see him once in a blue moon. I recently found out that his internet bill is overdue, which he didn't tell me after I told him I had gotten a job already. In fact, I just found out three nights ago. I got paid today, but I can't send him any money yet, because of my current issues. So, now that you know my story, or the gist of it, I will tell you what I need advice on.
My dad wasn't working for the past few weeks. His job was so slow that they put him on hold, promising to bring him back in when they got work. My mom doesn't work thanks to a mistake she made when she got involved with the wrong people. That means that I am the only one, minus my grandfather, who has any money. My dad started working yesterday, but he is unsure if he will have his car insurance money. Well, I have enough for that. But I am conflicted because I know my boyfriend, who is also unemployed, needs my help, too. Like I said, I am generous to a fault, something that i am actually proud of. The thing is that I told my boyfriend back when I was with my ex that he needed to find a job, but he was too lazy to get one after he lost his last one due to a strike.
So I am torn between helping the man who raised me, and the man who loves me. Both have told me not to worry about it, but I do anyways. Part of me wants to hold onto my money for this week, to teach both my dad and my boyfriend a lesson, but the kinder part of me knows I can't do that. Part of me hopes that if I give my dad the money, he might accept me as who I am, but I am not naive enough to believe that will happen.
Any advice on what I should do? And any advice on getting my dad to at least tolerate me and my boyfriend? Because the last time I got to see my boyfriend was last week, and I couldn't go to my sisters' house with him because my dad was there.
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Nothing, I have just gotten back after a long hiatus, and am just now starting to rebuild my collection.
Your father has other avenues to procure money. Temporary loans, your grandfather etc.
Your bf likely also has additional avenues to procure money. (His parents, relatives, excess savings)
For now look out for your own well-being, not because you are selfish, but because you probably need some savings for your own rainy day. Moreover, money is one of those things that can almost always be loaned out.
Unless one of them is dying from lack of medical care, a missed payment or two isn't going to be the end of the world for either of them. If there need becomes greater in the future, you can always loan out your money then. Not loaning your money now does not prevent you from loaning it out in the future.
Another thing is which could get the money from another source (such as selling some luxury he doesn't need or changing some consumption habits).
Finally other aspect to ponder would be the outcome of not lending money. You father will loose the car if you don't and that will reduce his capability to get another job ? Do you rely on the internet to talk and see your boyfriend and without it it might have some bad consequence to your relationship ?
You might also consider the effectiveness of doing a compromise (lending part of the money to each one).
As last resort, I would be skewed toward lending money to my family. For some reason I think family have a enormous importance in financial matters but that's just me.
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In the situation you mention, there is only one answer: Don't give either of them money. If your father is as you describe him, he won't appreciate it and might actually find it insulting (never give your parents money unless they ask or hint). Your boyfriend, regardless of how much you love him, has no real ties to you and has his own family from whom he might get assistance. Don't take on the financial problems of someone you are dating without a real commitment, especially when you are in a long-distance relationship with that person. The one exception is paying to have the person come visit you if necessary, but even then be careful.
Money and family and money and relationships don't mix. As your ex (or soon-to-be) ex should have taught you, thinking with your heart first when it comes to money is frequently a mistake that will get you in trouble.
Get yourself in real financial shape first, with six months to a year's worth of pay saved, before you even think of giving money to others. And be clear in your mind and your heart that you are giving this money away, not lending it, because lending money to family and friends can lead to divisions.
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As for me being a pathological liar, I used to liar about anything if I thought it would make people like me. I always had self-esteem issues, and most of them stemmed from the fact that I didn't want to come to terms with my sexuality. Something happened in my life recently that made me realize that all my lying was ruining everything I cared for, so I decided to be truthful about everything.
Thanks for the advice everyone. I am going to save my money for now. My boyfriend can use free wifi for anything he needs, and my dad told me he is going to ask my grandfather for what they need. I don't feel so bad anymore. Thank you all.
Currently Running:
Nothing, I have just gotten back after a long hiatus, and am just now starting to rebuild my collection.
I also, would always help my family first. When I got laid off from my job, lost my credit, my car, and my house (long story) but three months later got a check for my pension and 401k for around $7k, I gave it to my mom. She was pretty close to paying off her credit card debt and wanted to refinance her car but they wouldn't let her until the rest of her outstanding debt went away and she has always been there for me. But I do know it is a different dynamic for men so your father may see the situation much differently from the way my mom did when I offered to give her the money.
Currently Running:
Nothing, I have just gotten back after a long hiatus, and am just now starting to rebuild my collection.