I was just random card surfing through Gatherer and stumbled across Stonehands. I have no idea how this card's ability evokes stone hands, nor do I understand how the art depicts something that could plausibly be an aura enchantment.
What are some other cards that you've found that just fail in flavor on all levels?
I can sort of see it. With some imagination, I'm guessing that it's supposed to be covering the creature in the material that creates the stone hands, granting it +0/+2. Then, through additional effort, the hands can be created and used to attack.
Really I'd just say it's not elegant and pretty silly.
Anyhow, the best I can come up with myself is a game in the top 8 of a PTQ back during Urza block in which we were starting game 3 with time already expired, so the tiebreaker rule was that whoever had more life after 3 turns would win. And I lost to... healing salve.
Old sets tended to have really strange flavor. Why is an elven fortress an enchantment and not a land? Why is an altar made of bones a sorcery instead of an artifact? The fact that it's green-white instead of black just adds insult to the injury.
Fortunately nobody has posted them yet, but let's try to avoid pointing out silly flavor combinations like Neck Snapping a Headless Horseman because they are waaaay too much of them.
A lot of flying hate cards have no resonance, such as Plummet, or how the granddaddy of them doesn't feel green at all. (Also, I'm pretty sure the people of New Orleans can tell you, hurricanes do hurt people on the ground.)
I always had an issue with Archangel having higher P/T than Seraph, though seraphim are a higher order of angels. Also a little kitty being able to kill a sergeant.
Two copies of Exquisite Blood on the battlefield stack. Where's that extra life coming from? For that matter, what about if a creature with lifelink (say, Vampire Nighthawk, to keep with the vampire theme) does combat damage to a player? And how does Flensermite even work?
Forget Headless Horseman; the real sin of Neck Snap is the implication that you can snap a fish's neck (or any vertebrate's) without wrecking the spinal cord.
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Card advantage is not the same thing as card draw. Something for 2B cannot be strictly worse than something for BBB or 3BB. If you're taking out Swords to Plowshares for Plummet, you're a fool. Stop doing these things!
I somehow find it tragic when an attacking Traveling Philosopher gets blocked by another Traveling Philosopher, which normally results in two dead philosophers. Shouldn't they just sit aside and start discussing?
I somehow find it tragic when an attacking Traveling Philosopher gets blocked by another Traveling Philosopher, which normally results in two dead philosophers. Shouldn't they just sit aside and start discussing?
This is genius. Can I put this in my signature?
I'm pretty sure I don't have to mention creatures without arms wielding swords and axes.
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How to use card tags (please use them for everybody's sanity)
[c]Lightning Bolt[/c] -> Lightning Bolt
[c=Lightning Bolt]Apple Pie[/c] -> Apple Pie
Vowels-Only Format Minimum deck size: 60 Maximum number of identical cards: 4 Ban list: Cards whose English names begin with a consonant, Unglued and Unhinged cards, cards involving ante, Ancestral Recall
Also, king macar, the gold-cursed. The ability is a 'may' ability, even though in the original tale, his "gift" was really a "curse" and he eventually turned everything into gold including himself and the ones he loved. That being said, the ability should not be a may ability from a flavor standpoint.
Courtesy of Limited Resources podcast for pointing that one out.
On Eye Gouge, it should be that if you use eye gouge on a creature twice, that creature dies. That's a tough one to make work, though, as lots of things don't have eyes, or have more than two eyes. It would be silly to have to make a ruling based on artwork.
I've always liked to point out the scaling of yore-tiller nephilim, which is a 2/2, yet towers over buildings and has ropes attached to it with people on the ends of those ropes (this was confirmed in some magic arcana article, and you'll be able to see them as tiny specks if you squint your eyes). Now combine that with the Emmara Tandris and the fail of scale there. She'll be able to attack into 3 yore-tillers, kill 2 of them, and survive to tell the tale.
I'm pretty sure I don't have to mention creatures without arms wielding swords and axes.
How about the fact that the invisible man holding a sword or a spear is still invisible? Oh, I can hit that sword with a Smelt, but it doesn't make him any more visible.
Melira, Sylvok Outcast is 100% effective. IRL vaccines are never 100% effective on an individual level; in fact, a major reason vaccines are so effective is because people who aren't sick don't spread illnesses to others. Good luck getting praetors like Elesh Norn and Jenny McCarthy to take part in such a campaign! Also, some people are allergic to the medium or have a compromised immune system due to chemo or AIDS or something similar.
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Card advantage is not the same thing as card draw. Something for 2B cannot be strictly worse than something for BBB or 3BB. If you're taking out Swords to Plowshares for Plummet, you're a fool. Stop doing these things!
There is not a single facet of Storm Seeker that makes sense. Not the color, not the type, not the name, not the effect, and not the art. It's a total mishmash of random crap.
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Formerly Angrypossum over at the now-defunct WotC forums.
I somehow find it tragic when an attacking Traveling Philosopher gets blocked by another Traveling Philosopher, which normally results in two dead philosophers. Shouldn't they just sit aside and start discussing?
This is genius. Can I put this in my signature?
I'm pretty sure I don't have to mention creatures without arms wielding swords and axes.
Back when I played Yu-Gi-Oh, a friend equipped the Head of Exodia with 2 Axes of Despair and a Black Pendant. We just imagined it snarling with the axes in its teeth as it inched forward across the floor. It once inched over to a Blue-Eyes White Dragon and killed it, presumably by chopping out its shins.
You don't call "dying to removal" if the removal is more expensive in resources than the creature. If you have to spend BG (Abrupt Decay), or W + basic land (PtE) to remove a 1G, that is not "dying to removal". Strictly speaking Goyf dies to removal, but actually your removal is dying to Goyf.
I can kind of understand the cycle of Staffs, and I get Angel's Feather but how exactly do a Demon's Horn, a Kraken's Eye, a Wurm's Tooth, and a Dragon's Claw all also somehow have restorative properties? Actually, from a kind of meta-flavor standpoint, why a Kraken's eye? The other colors all got their signature "big creature" while when it was printed I think there were only three or four Krakens in magic. Why not a "Sphinx's Pelt" or something?
Also, in the art of Dragon's Claw, unless that's a baby dragon's claw or something, that pendant is probably wayyyy too big to actually wear.
I somehow find it tragic when an attacking Traveling Philosopher gets blocked by another Traveling Philosopher, which normally results in two dead philosophers. Shouldn't they just sit aside and start discussing?
This is genius. Can I put this in my signature?
I'm pretty sure I don't have to mention creatures without arms wielding swords and axes.
Back when I played Yu-Gi-Oh, a friend equipped the Head of Exodia with 2 Axes of Despair and a Black Pendant. We just imagined it snarling with the axes in its teeth as it inched forward across the floor. It once inched over to a Blue-Eyes White Dragon and killed it, presumably by chopping out its shins.
Special mention must be made of Leaf Arrow. Well, the only conflict when the Eldrazi showed up was between the Eldrazi and their lunch. Notably, none of the Eldrazi (besides spawn and some drones) can be killed with just one Bolt, but that's not as relevant as the fact that only one has flying, and she's immune to colored spells. Oops. Told you flying hate is stupid.
I can kind of understand the cycle of Staffs, and I get Angel's Feather but how exactly do a Demon's Horn, a Kraken's Eye, a Wurm's Tooth, and a Dragon's Claw all also somehow have restorative properties? Actually, from a kind of meta-flavor standpoint, why a Kraken's eye? The other colors all got their signature "big creature" while when it was printed I think there were only three or four Krakens in magic. Why not a "Sphinx's Pelt" or something?
Also, in the art of Dragon's Claw, unless that's a baby dragon's claw or something, that pendant is probably wayyyy too big to actually wear.
What's even worse is, Dragon's Claw is the only one anyone plays. (It's a sideboard staple in burn decks for mirror matches.) I suppose Angel's Feather, Kraken's Eye, Demon's Horn, and Golem's Heart might see play in an Oloro, Ageless Ascetic EDH deck, since they basically make every non-Eldrazi spell you play at least a cantrip. (And I guess Tablet of the Guilds too.)
Card advantage is not the same thing as card draw. Something for 2B cannot be strictly worse than something for BBB or 3BB. If you're taking out Swords to Plowshares for Plummet, you're a fool. Stop doing these things!
So it's a God... wielding his weaker self... until he loses devotion and is forced to drop... himself... as a state based action. All he has to do is drop himself into a virgin, and we have the most awesome Christian story ever.
I somehow find it tragic when an attacking Traveling Philosopher gets blocked by another Traveling Philosopher, which normally results in two dead philosophers. Shouldn't they just sit aside and start discussing?
This is genius. Can I put this in my signature?
I'm pretty sure I don't have to mention creatures without arms wielding swords and axes.
Back when I played Yu-Gi-Oh, a friend equipped the Head of Exodia with 2 Axes of Despair and a Black Pendant. We just imagined it snarling with the axes in its teeth as it inched forward across the floor. It once inched over to a Blue-Eyes White Dragon and killed it, presumably by chopping out its shins.
You don't call "dying to removal" if the removal is more expensive in resources than the creature. If you have to spend BG (Abrupt Decay), or W + basic land (PtE) to remove a 1G, that is not "dying to removal". Strictly speaking Goyf dies to removal, but actually your removal is dying to Goyf.
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What are some other cards that you've found that just fail in flavor on all levels?
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Really I'd just say it's not elegant and pretty silly.
Fortunately nobody has posted them yet, but let's try to avoid pointing out silly flavor combinations like Neck Snapping a Headless Horseman because they are waaaay too much of them.
Well, Alara homunculus were two-eyed, so it has some logic. On the other side, it definitely should kill, well, eyes.
I always had an issue with Archangel having higher P/T than Seraph, though seraphim are a higher order of angels. Also a little kitty being able to kill a sergeant.
Two copies of Exquisite Blood on the battlefield stack. Where's that extra life coming from? For that matter, what about if a creature with lifelink (say, Vampire Nighthawk, to keep with the vampire theme) does combat damage to a player? And how does Flensermite even work?
Remove Soul works on artifact creatures and zombies (including Soulless One).
Speaking of zombies, a zombie spirit.
Forget Headless Horseman; the real sin of Neck Snap is the implication that you can snap a fish's neck (or any vertebrate's) without wrecking the spinal cord.
On phasing:
The most important one being that this little Elf healer goes head-to-head with a Colossal Whale or Polukranos, World Eater and wins the fight.
L1 Judge
This is genius. Can I put this in my signature?
I'm pretty sure I don't have to mention creatures without arms wielding swords and axes.
[c]Lightning Bolt[/c] -> Lightning Bolt
[c=Lightning Bolt]Apple Pie[/c] -> Apple Pie
Vowels-Only Format
Minimum deck size: 60
Maximum number of identical cards: 4
Ban list: Cards whose English names begin with a consonant, Unglued and Unhinged cards, cards involving ante, Ancestral Recall
Also, king macar, the gold-cursed. The ability is a 'may' ability, even though in the original tale, his "gift" was really a "curse" and he eventually turned everything into gold including himself and the ones he loved. That being said, the ability should not be a may ability from a flavor standpoint.
Courtesy of Limited Resources podcast for pointing that one out.
On Eye Gouge, it should be that if you use eye gouge on a creature twice, that creature dies. That's a tough one to make work, though, as lots of things don't have eyes, or have more than two eyes. It would be silly to have to make a ruling based on artwork.
Emrakul, the aeons torn can be killed by anything with deathtouch. You can equip a Basilisk collar to a grim lavamancer, and kill an emrakul with it...or you could even just block it with a vampire nighthawk or something.
blightsteel colossus and darksteel colossus both "die" to a morbid tragic slip.
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L1 Judge
Storm Crow is strictly worse than Seacoast Drake.
Indestructible Aura is neither.
You had one job, Emmara! Just one job!
How about the fact that the invisible man holding a sword or a spear is still invisible? Oh, I can hit that sword with a Smelt, but it doesn't make him any more visible.
Melira, Sylvok Outcast is 100% effective. IRL vaccines are never 100% effective on an individual level; in fact, a major reason vaccines are so effective is because people who aren't sick don't spread illnesses to others. Good luck getting praetors like Elesh Norn and Jenny McCarthy to take part in such a campaign! Also, some people are allergic to the medium or have a compromised immune system due to chemo or AIDS or something similar.
On phasing:
You don't know how much I am laughing at this. Permission to use it in my signature?
Back when I played Yu-Gi-Oh, a friend equipped the Head of Exodia with 2 Axes of Despair and a Black Pendant. We just imagined it snarling with the axes in its teeth as it inched forward across the floor. It once inched over to a Blue-Eyes White Dragon and killed it, presumably by chopping out its shins.
OT: Ensoul Artifact Thanks to this card, we have situations where an Accorder's Shield may be wielding another Accorder's Shield. Or if Bludgeon Brawl, Mycosynth Lattice, and Koth of the Hammer are out, we can have a mountain beating someone to death with ANOTHER mountain.
"I hope to have such a death... lying in triumph atop the broken bodies of those who slew me..."
Also, in the art of Dragon's Claw, unless that's a baby dragon's claw or something, that pendant is probably wayyyy too big to actually wear.
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Sig Credit: Pegasus Bishop
Go ahead.
yet it has both. oh
Abzan Traverse / Traverse Shadow / UR Kiki
Eh, I've been hitting people over the head with mountains since 2012. I don't know what makes this so special.
Hey, Mycosynth Lattice and Bludgeon Brawl. Equip Nicol Bolas with Nicol Bolas!
Special mention must be made of Leaf Arrow. Well, the only conflict when the Eldrazi showed up was between the Eldrazi and their lunch. Notably, none of the Eldrazi (besides spawn and some drones) can be killed with just one Bolt, but that's not as relevant as the fact that only one has flying, and she's immune to colored spells. Oops. Told you flying hate is stupid.
You forgot Golem's Heart. How could Venser *puts sunglasses on* be so heartless? (What? Too soon?)
What's even worse is, Dragon's Claw is the only one anyone plays. (It's a sideboard staple in burn decks for mirror matches.) I suppose Angel's Feather, Kraken's Eye, Demon's Horn, and Golem's Heart might see play in an Oloro, Ageless Ascetic EDH deck, since they basically make every non-Eldrazi spell you play at least a cantrip. (And I guess Tablet of the Guilds too.)
Speaking of EDH, something should be mentioned of lower-ranking creatures commanding higher-ranking creatures.
On phasing:
Now we can do this with Xenagos, God of Revels and Xenagos, the Reveler too.
So it's a God... wielding his weaker self... until he loses devotion and is forced to drop... himself... as a state based action. All he has to do is drop himself into a virgin, and we have the most awesome Christian story ever.
Because it's a Mountain... wielding a mountain.
"I hope to have such a death... lying in triumph atop the broken bodies of those who slew me..."