Looking for ideas for joke cards with a slightly dark twist. The more cynical and salty the better. If thats something you like, you might get a kick out of this:
Swift Kick to the Groin R
Sorcery
Target opponent may kick you in the groin as hard as possible. If they do, you win the game. Otherwise, draw a card or whatever. (No running starts.)
"By playing this card, you, (hereby known as THE KICKEE), waive all liability claims against the chosen opponent, (Hereby known as THE KICKER), in the event that THE KICKER causes subsequent bodily harm to THE KICKEE." -- Every lawyer in the world
For some reason that card just got stuck in my head and I couldnt get it out.
Tears Fall Down 4U
Sorcery
Rip up a card you own and throw the pieces up in the air. Gain control of each nonland permanent with converted mana cost lower than the ripped up card's monetary value in dollars, rounded down.
"Can I borrow some P9? I'll give em back."
Existentialism 6WW
Sorcery
No one wins.
"Ever."
In the Land of the Blind B
Enchantment
Your opponents play with their eyes closed.
Good Game GG
Sorcery
For the rest of the game, if an opponent would lose the game, you become that player in addition to yourself, and that player's life total becomes equal to your life total instead.
"Everybody having a good time? We think the answer is yes."
Hehe, I was not aware of this “format” I guess. Seems like something I should try.
In Spite of Yourself 1B
Enchantment
When In Spite of Yourself enters the battlefield, hold your nose with one hand, then put a nose counter on this.
Whenever a creature enters the battlefield, put a nose counter on this.
Stop holding your nose, sacrifice this: Each player loses X life and all creatures get -X/-X until end of turn, where X is equal to the number of nose counters on this.
Waste of Mind UB
Enchantment
Last Looks (As you announce this spell, each player closes their eyes until it resolves.)
When you cast this, each player flips all nonland permanents they control face-down. (They’re 2/2 creatures)
No player may look at face-down permanents.
Nonland permanents enters the battlefield face-down.
At the beginning of each player’s upkeep, that player chooses a face-down card an opponent of their choice controls and looks at it. The chosen opponent may recite it’s text box word for word. If they don’t, that player sacrifices it. If they do, flip that card over.
“I’ve memorized all 17,248 MAGIC cards!” “...and their flavor text?” “Who would ever need to do that?”
Moneyball X$
Sorcery
(Give an opponent $1 to pay for $.)
You can only spend $ to pay for X.
Add X dollar counters to target creature. Creatures with dollar counters get +1/+1 for each dollar counter on them.
Swift Kick to the Groin R
Sorcery
Target opponent may kick you in the groin as hard as possible. If they do, you win the game. Otherwise, draw a card or whatever. (No running starts.)
"By playing this card, you, (hereby known as THE KICKEE), waive all liability claims against the chosen opponent, (Hereby known as THE KICKER), in the event that THE KICKER causes subsequent bodily harm to THE KICKEE." -- Every lawyer in the world
For some reason that card just got stuck in my head and I couldnt get it out.
Tears Fall Down 4U
Sorcery
Rip up a card you own and throw the pieces up in the air. Gain control of each nonland permanent with converted mana cost lower than the ripped up card's monetary value in dollars, rounded down.
"Can I borrow some P9? I'll give em back."
Existentialism 6WW
Sorcery
No one wins.
"Ever."
In the Land of the Blind B
Enchantment
Your opponents play with their eyes closed.
Good Game GG
Sorcery
For the rest of the game, if an opponent would lose the game, you become that player in addition to yourself, and that player's life total becomes equal to your life total instead.
"Everybody having a good time? We think the answer is yes."
Mox Eyeball 0
Artifact
T, Close one eye: Add 1.
In Spite of Yourself 1B
Enchantment
When In Spite of Yourself enters the battlefield, hold your nose with one hand, then put a nose counter on this.
Whenever a creature enters the battlefield, put a nose counter on this.
Stop holding your nose, sacrifice this: Each player loses X life and all creatures get -X/-X until end of turn, where X is equal to the number of nose counters on this.
Enchantment
Last Looks (As you announce this spell, each player closes their eyes until it resolves.)
When you cast this, each player flips all nonland permanents they control face-down. (They’re 2/2 creatures)
No player may look at face-down permanents.
Nonland permanents enters the battlefield face-down.
At the beginning of each player’s upkeep, that player chooses a face-down card an opponent of their choice controls and looks at it. The chosen opponent may recite it’s text box word for word. If they don’t, that player sacrifices it. If they do, flip that card over.
“I’ve memorized all 17,248 MAGIC cards!” “...and their flavor text?” “Who would ever need to do that?”
Moneyball X$
Sorcery
(Give an opponent $1 to pay for $.)
You can only spend $ to pay for X.
Add X dollar counters to target creature. Creatures with dollar counters get +1/+1 for each dollar counter on them.