Basically the plane of Rumoxi is a 1/3 desert plane with what seems to be suspended people and abandoned artifacts; inhabited by several life forms.
The two main characters are Gretivous Hanu and Percival Muraini.
The two main sections of Rumoxi are Gerpollo and Venicia.
Gerpollo is the part of the plane filled with scrap metal that is corroding that has embedded itself deep into Rumoxi slowly splitting it in two. Gerpollo is populated by the undead, the serfs, some wizards, and a monarchy. The main populace of serfs want to over-throw the king and queen of Gerpollo.
Venicia is the second main section mostly filled with churches, shrines, and sanctuaries. Religion of the Redfilli scriptures run that portion of the plane. This portion of the plane is populated mainly by elven rebels but they offer sanctuary for those who ask for it and those who follow or are willing to follow the Redfilli scriptures.
Here are the main characters of my Rumoxi set:
Gerpollo Main Characters:
The Queen of Gerpollo.
The King of Gerpollo.
The monarchy's assassin.
Serf resistance, and Renetti's hand picked warriors.
The Leader of the Serfs that released the main threat to Rumoxi Percival Muraini. He wanted more help against the monarchy.
Venicia Main Characters with the Scripture:
The first volume of the Redfilli scriptures.
The artificer that is willing to hold off Percival's onslaught.
The hand picked leader of Venicia who in this first two sets is helping fight Percival.
The corrupted version now convinced that Gretivous is causing the split of Rumoxi.
Major threat to Rumoxi was put in suspended animation because of Gretivous.
The even bigger threat that shows up at the end of the story.
Sub story characters:
The cowardly leader of a league of vampires who are set out to drain as much life on Rumoxi as possible, starting with the league of warriors hunting them down.
The leader of a warrior onslaught to take the vampiric threat of Rumoxi. Bheji runs a training post.
Please post written text alongside images as not everyone can view images. I have trouble reading the rules cards for new mechanics even with the images.
Mechanics
Aeon rip - Like 'Battle cry', the second word should be lower case. This mechanic creates extra turns? No way would this appear on more than one card, likely only at mythic rare. Also, number of rips? You haven't spelt out how this mechanic will appear on cards so it's tough to know what to look for. But, as far as I can see, it's far too complex. Find the absolute simplest form of this and use that - don't try jazz it up with extra complexity.
Flashbomb - Weak mill with built in flexibility for your opponent? Why would they ever choose not to mill? Also, why exile the card? This mechanic makes little sense to me, is overly wordy and has little game impact. I strongly dislike it.
Gridlock - Interesting idea, but tough to implement as it leads to memory issues. Perhaps some kind of counter that vanishes after your next combat step? Also note, green and blue already have a version of this ability in damage-lockdown. See the snakes from Kamigawa block. That wording is more straightforward (easier to remember that a tapped creature can't block, than a creature with a gridlock counter or whatever) and does extra stuff (prevents them from attacking or otherwise tapping).
Immortality - Huh? Why not graveyard abilities rather than create a new zone? You already have Persist in this set - don't overdo the not dying thing.
So, work on your mechanics first, and also work out which returning mechanics you will use. You seem to have brought back quite a few, but I can't determine why or how they fit in with the set. Don't just throw in any old mechanic because they won't all fit together. Time Spiral block is, as usual, to be ignored for the purpose of quoting precedent, because it was such as bizarre block and relied upon nostalgia, not new things.
I like the idea behind your world as being split in half. Make that evident in your cards and mechanics.
Private Mod Note
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Gaymer
Custom Card / Set Reviewer
When reviewing custom cards / sets, I look for (a) flavour, (b) function, and (c) cohesiveness, generally through a risk focus.
storm, persist, suspend, phasing...what is your set doing? And all of your created mechanics are far too complicated. I'm going to suggest to you what I suggest to all the newbies that come through here. Make a few single card designs first. Post them in the custom card creation forum. Get feedback. Learn from that criticism. Your designs will be better for it.
After you've gotten better at designing cards, if you feel like making a custom set, figure out what you want to do with the set before actually starting to design cards for it. Find out what your flavor is, and what game mechanics (NOT keyword abilities) you want to utilize in the set. After you have a feel of what you're going for, then start designing. You'll get a much better set, much better cards, and much better keywords this way.
I'm going to and/or have use(d) storm, persist, suspend, and phasing on the appropriate target characters.
My reasoning for those mechanics that already exist:
I think with the king of the Gerpollo a.k.a. the dark portion of my plane would be a persistent tyrant. While storm would make Kurnalli a true tyrant if he could replicate spells and his army. While the only reason Ingris has phasing is because he is a prodigal coward and it would make it harder for Bheji to catch him.
Now suspend is going to be a recurring theme in this block since one of the main characters Percival was in suspended animation. That and since the plain is splitting have split second to indicate random time rips.
Mechanical confusion:
Aeon rip is basically a cheapened turn you get from big creatures. It will indicate the lack of support the plane can handle with titanic creatures (creatures probably 5 or greater). This mechanic will be in the last set and exclusive to a handful of mythics. By number of rips I mean how much damage the creature does to the plane just being summoned.
And I mean it will work like this:1. You summon a creature with aeon rip X . 2. You get an extra turn that limits you to:
a)Beginning phase without the draw step and limits you to trigger X abilit(ies) for target X creature(s). b) Then the main phase that allows you to cast X spell(s) and activate X abilit(ies) c)Then the combat phase that will allow to attack with X creature(s) e)Then the second main phase that copies the first f)Then the end step.
Gridlock to me is blue/red and is exclusive to the creatures that Bheji teaches.
And I agree with Immortality but it's kind of indestructible/persist/regeneration to me anyway and that is exclusive to Ingris and his league of vampires and I agree with your errata for the wording.
Now Redfilli Scriptures errata I also agree with. Same thing with the other erratas. I'm sorry some of these I did at 3 in the morning tired as hell.
More back story:
Story Suspension:
Percival was put in a suspended animation chamber as a result of his madness and conflict with previous powers on the plane that blame Percival for the slow decay of the metals and ultimately the plane. Percival wanted to help the planes inhabitants by making all of them immortal but failed. Sub 1: Gretivous was intrigued by the planes metal and damaged magnetic field to the point that he felt he could fix it. His work however has disrupted by the release of Percival and his army who believed that Gretivous was secretly damaging the plane (on purpose) and taking the metals with him. But in fact both Gretivous and The Monarchy where actually restoring the plane with their actions. But The Monarchy and Gretivous believe that each others action were destroying the plane. And find themselves starting a conflict. Sub 2: Tinemi is the leader of the elven rebels who have sworn allegiance to him. Tinemi has a "for the greater good" mentality that sometimes hinges on evil rather than good. Tinemi had agreed to help Gretivous fight Percival but eventually became convinced by The Monarchy that Gretivous was the one destroying and splitting the plane not them.
Story The Monarchy:
Beldova and Hejixi knew the plane of Rumoxi was splitting and to capitalize on the numbered days they figured the where powerful enough to fix it themselves and become the undisputed leaders/saviors of Rumoxi. So they went to the source of the splitting, the rust fields of Gerpollo. They had the Serfs that populated Gerpollo, toil to the point of death and use their life source as a cure. Sub 1: Renetti being a born middle class Serf was tired of seeing his people die, so he took action, un-suspending Percival and telling him his conflicts. What he didn't know was that Beldova and Hejixi were partial right and that the Serfs and the rusted metal where corroding and splitting the plane which Percival figured out before being suspended and was trying to tell the ancients but they thought he was mad and suspended him. Sub 2: Frustrated a feeling betrayed by Percival who had double crossed him Renetti let out another powerful planeswalker Kunalli who used his power of replication to help Renetti. Kunalli thought that by splitting the plane he could gain control of the Gerpollo and overthrow Beldova and Hejixi and use the corroded and rusted metal as a super weapon to anyone who stood in his way.
Story Immortals:
Ingris, a phasing prodigy had contracted a virus that was released as result to Percival's failed experiments. Ingris died and became a blood thirsty vampire that ironically was not immortal but could pass it on by biting people he drained. His solution or so he thought was to expand his immortal army, he figured as long as his blood line is alive he'd stay alive. Sub 1: Bheji created a training post that taught the way of the warrior and specialized in not necessarily killing immortals but dismembering and tracking them. He also taught fighting tactics that would cause intimation to the point that their opposition would not want to fight back, well at least while injured.
Rumoxi set takes place while Gretivous is trying to fix the magnetic field of the plane and starts to have trouble with The Monarchy. Sub 1: Bheji trains troops for the mysterious infestation of vampires.
Rumoxi Faultered set takes place when Renetti takes action against The Monarchy and Gretivous is forced to assemble an army after Percival is un-suspended and is convinced by The Monarchy that Gretivous is destroying the plane. Sub 1: Bheji stops training troops and goes on the hunt for Ingris.
Pestilence set takes place after Renetti figures out Percival's true nature and releases Kunalli to help him save his people. Which brings pestilence. The Monarchy and Percival are successful at taking Grevitous out and suspending him and reassembling the chamber but fail to realize the strength in Renetti and Kunalli's alliance. The three flee after after Renetti kills Percival's right hand man Tinemi and a lot of the Venician people. The Monarchy, Bheji, the remaining Venicians and Percival seek refuge in cliffs of Bhenji's old training post. Sub 1: Bheji kills Ingris and takes a vile of his blood. Now finding himself in the cross hairs of Kunalli mainly, he flees to his old training post with unexpected visitors that become allies. He amongst his new found allies must find a way to stop the planar split and rid the plane of Kunalli, Renetti and their serfs.
And of course they are other legendary/normal creatures that are spread out in other random inhabitable parts of Rumoxi.
My reasoning for those mechanics that already exist:
I think with the king of the Gerpollo a.k.a. the dark portion of my plane would be a persistent tyrant. While storm would make Kurnalli a true tyrant if he could replicate spells and his army. While the only reason Ingris has phasing is because he is a prodigal coward and it would make it harder for Bheji to catch him.
Now suspend is going to be a recurring theme in this block since one of the main characters Percival was in suspended animation. That and since the plain is splitting have split second to indicate random time rips.
Forgive me if I'm incorrect, but to me this sounds like you've done this the wrong way 'round. It looks as though you've picked mechanics you like, looked at the story and tried to mash the mechanics in so they fit. I think this is incorrect. Using storm to create an entire army does not come across to me as tyrannical. Split second and suspend sound like they just happened to fir the idea of the set, rather than have a strong mechanical or flavourful (i.e. time going haywire) reason to be there. Phasing uses a whole different zone, and therefore appearing in the set because one guy is a coward and likes to hide, simply isn't enough reason for it to be there.
Your mechanics should stem from your world, not simply be existing ones you've hammered into shape in an attempt to fit the setting.
Aeon rip is basically a cheapened turn you get from big creatures. It will indicate the lack of support the plane can handle with titanic creatures (creatures probably 5 or greater). This mechanic will be in the last set and exclusive to a handful of mythics. By number of rips I mean how much damage the creature does to the plane just being summoned.
And I mean it will work like this:1. You summon a creature with aeon rip X . 2. You get an extra turn that limits you to:
a)Beginning phase without the draw step and limits you to trigger X abilit(ies) for target X creature(s). b) Then the main phase that allows you to cast X spell(s) and activate X abilit(ies) c)Then the combat phase that will allow to attack with X creature(s) e)Then the second main phase that copies the first f)Then the end step.
Gridlock to me is blue/red and is exclusive to the creatures that Bheji teaches.
And I agree with Immortality but it's kind of indestructible/persist/regeneration to me anyway and that is exclusive to Ingris and his league of vampires and I agree with your errata for the wording.
Aeon rip is too confusing to be spelt out on one card, let alone a cycle. It does quite a lot of stuff that bends the game and uses arbitrary numbers, without a really strong reason for doing so. You mention three mechanics which focus on time bending or collapsing, yet you mention nothing about this in your set description. This is a severe incongruity between form and function.
Private Mod Note
():
Rollback Post to RevisionRollBack
Gaymer
Custom Card / Set Reviewer
When reviewing custom cards / sets, I look for (a) flavour, (b) function, and (c) cohesiveness, generally through a risk focus.
You're missing the point, Oddity. Your new mechanics are too complicated. Explaining them again doesn't stop them from being too complicated. Actually, even your card designs are all far too complicated. My suggestion that I made before still stands.
The two main characters are Gretivous Hanu and Percival Muraini.
The two main sections of Rumoxi are Gerpollo and Venicia.
Gerpollo is the part of the plane filled with scrap metal that is corroding that has embedded itself deep into Rumoxi slowly splitting it in two. Gerpollo is populated by the undead, the serfs, some wizards, and a monarchy. The main populace of serfs want to over-throw the king and queen of Gerpollo.
Venicia is the second main section mostly filled with churches, shrines, and sanctuaries. Religion of the Redfilli scriptures run that portion of the plane. This portion of the plane is populated mainly by elven rebels but they offer sanctuary for those who ask for it and those who follow or are willing to follow the Redfilli scriptures.
Here are the main characters of my Rumoxi set:
The Queen of Gerpollo.
The King of Gerpollo.
The monarchy's assassin.
Serf resistance, and Renetti's hand picked warriors.
The Leader of the Serfs that released the main threat to Rumoxi Percival Muraini. He wanted more help against the monarchy.
Venicia Main Characters with the Scripture:
The artificer that is willing to hold off Percival's onslaught.
The hand picked leader of Venicia who in this first two sets is helping fight Percival.
The corrupted version now convinced that Gretivous is causing the split of Rumoxi.
Major threat to Rumoxi was put in suspended animation because of Gretivous.
The even bigger threat that shows up at the end of the story.
Sub story characters:
The leader of a warrior onslaught to take the vampiric threat of Rumoxi. Bheji runs a training post.
New mechanics:
Flashbomb
Gridlock
Immotality
Set logos:
Rumoxi- sealed suspension chamber.
Rumoxi Faultered- open suspension chamber.
Pestilnce- re-sealed suspension chamber.
Yeah fixed it. Oh and I forget the block breakdown which is:
Pestilence: 166 cards
14 Mythic Rare
36 Rare
48 Uncommon
68 Common
83 Creatures
83 Other Spells
Faultered: 177 cards
14 Mythic Rare
38 Rare
55 Uncommon
73 Common
70 Creatures
107 Other Spells
Rumoxi: 228 cards
15 Mythic Rare
41 Rare
65 Uncommon
107 Common
171 Creatures
57 Other Spells
I'm not sure of the color ratio yet but there is going to be a lot of artifacts in this set.
Mechanics
Aeon rip - Like 'Battle cry', the second word should be lower case. This mechanic creates extra turns? No way would this appear on more than one card, likely only at mythic rare. Also, number of rips? You haven't spelt out how this mechanic will appear on cards so it's tough to know what to look for. But, as far as I can see, it's far too complex. Find the absolute simplest form of this and use that - don't try jazz it up with extra complexity.
Flashbomb - Weak mill with built in flexibility for your opponent? Why would they ever choose not to mill? Also, why exile the card? This mechanic makes little sense to me, is overly wordy and has little game impact. I strongly dislike it.
Gridlock - Interesting idea, but tough to implement as it leads to memory issues. Perhaps some kind of counter that vanishes after your next combat step? Also note, green and blue already have a version of this ability in damage-lockdown. See the snakes from Kamigawa block. That wording is more straightforward (easier to remember that a tapped creature can't block, than a creature with a gridlock counter or whatever) and does extra stuff (prevents them from attacking or otherwise tapping).
Immortality - Huh? Why not graveyard abilities rather than create a new zone? You already have Persist in this set - don't overdo the not dying thing.
So, work on your mechanics first, and also work out which returning mechanics you will use. You seem to have brought back quite a few, but I can't determine why or how they fit in with the set. Don't just throw in any old mechanic because they won't all fit together. Time Spiral block is, as usual, to be ignored for the purpose of quoting precedent, because it was such as bizarre block and relied upon nostalgia, not new things.
I like the idea behind your world as being split in half. Make that evident in your cards and mechanics.
Custom Card / Set Reviewer
When reviewing custom cards / sets, I look for (a) flavour, (b) function, and (c) cohesiveness, generally through a risk focus.
After you've gotten better at designing cards, if you feel like making a custom set, figure out what you want to do with the set before actually starting to design cards for it. Find out what your flavor is, and what game mechanics (NOT keyword abilities) you want to utilize in the set. After you have a feel of what you're going for, then start designing. You'll get a much better set, much better cards, and much better keywords this way.
My art blog
Claims:
The kicker variant in WWK will be "Kicker without a kicked effect." - proven wrong Jan 2010 : 2 wrongs
Decks:
:symu::symb: Bloodchief Ascension - Modern
:symb::symr: Rakdos, the Defiler - EDH
:symu::symb::symw: Sharuum the Hegemon - EDH
:symw::symu::symb: Zur the Enchanter - EDH
My reasoning for those mechanics that already exist:
I think with the king of the Gerpollo a.k.a. the dark portion of my plane would be a persistent tyrant. While storm would make Kurnalli a true tyrant if he could replicate spells and his army. While the only reason Ingris has phasing is because he is a prodigal coward and it would make it harder for Bheji to catch him.
Now suspend is going to be a recurring theme in this block since one of the main characters Percival was in suspended animation. That and since the plain is splitting have split second to indicate random time rips.
Mechanical confusion:
And I mean it will work like this:1. You summon a creature with aeon rip X . 2. You get an extra turn that limits you to:
a)Beginning phase without the draw step and limits you to trigger X abilit(ies) for target X creature(s). b) Then the main phase that allows you to cast X spell(s) and activate X abilit(ies) c)Then the combat phase that will allow to attack with X creature(s) e)Then the second main phase that copies the first f)Then the end step.
Gridlock to me is blue/red and is exclusive to the creatures that Bheji teaches.
And I agree with Immortality but it's kind of indestructible/persist/regeneration to me anyway and that is exclusive to Ingris and his league of vampires and I agree with your errata for the wording.
Now Redfilli Scriptures errata I also agree with. Same thing with the other erratas. I'm sorry some of these I did at 3 in the morning tired as hell.
More back story:
Story Suspension:
Story The Monarchy:
Story Immortals:
Rumoxi set takes place while Gretivous is trying to fix the magnetic field of the plane and starts to have trouble with The Monarchy. Sub 1: Bheji trains troops for the mysterious infestation of vampires.
Rumoxi Faultered set takes place when Renetti takes action against The Monarchy and Gretivous is forced to assemble an army after Percival is un-suspended and is convinced by The Monarchy that Gretivous is destroying the plane. Sub 1: Bheji stops training troops and goes on the hunt for Ingris.
Pestilence set takes place after Renetti figures out Percival's true nature and releases Kunalli to help him save his people. Which brings pestilence. The Monarchy and Percival are successful at taking Grevitous out and suspending him and reassembling the chamber but fail to realize the strength in Renetti and Kunalli's alliance. The three flee after after Renetti kills Percival's right hand man Tinemi and a lot of the Venician people. The Monarchy, Bheji, the remaining Venicians and Percival seek refuge in cliffs of Bhenji's old training post. Sub 1: Bheji kills Ingris and takes a vile of his blood. Now finding himself in the cross hairs of Kunalli mainly, he flees to his old training post with unexpected visitors that become allies. He amongst his new found allies must find a way to stop the planar split and rid the plane of Kunalli, Renetti and their serfs.
And of course they are other legendary/normal creatures that are spread out in other random inhabitable parts of Rumoxi.
Forgive me if I'm incorrect, but to me this sounds like you've done this the wrong way 'round. It looks as though you've picked mechanics you like, looked at the story and tried to mash the mechanics in so they fit. I think this is incorrect. Using storm to create an entire army does not come across to me as tyrannical. Split second and suspend sound like they just happened to fir the idea of the set, rather than have a strong mechanical or flavourful (i.e. time going haywire) reason to be there. Phasing uses a whole different zone, and therefore appearing in the set because one guy is a coward and likes to hide, simply isn't enough reason for it to be there.
Your mechanics should stem from your world, not simply be existing ones you've hammered into shape in an attempt to fit the setting.
Aeon rip is too confusing to be spelt out on one card, let alone a cycle. It does quite a lot of stuff that bends the game and uses arbitrary numbers, without a really strong reason for doing so. You mention three mechanics which focus on time bending or collapsing, yet you mention nothing about this in your set description. This is a severe incongruity between form and function.
Custom Card / Set Reviewer
When reviewing custom cards / sets, I look for (a) flavour, (b) function, and (c) cohesiveness, generally through a risk focus.
My art blog
Claims:
The kicker variant in WWK will be "Kicker without a kicked effect." - proven wrong Jan 2010 : 2 wrongs
Decks:
:symu::symb: Bloodchief Ascension - Modern
:symb::symr: Rakdos, the Defiler - EDH
:symu::symb::symw: Sharuum the Hegemon - EDH
:symw::symu::symb: Zur the Enchanter - EDH