So, my best friend and I are both undergrad seniors and finally decided to officially start dating. The thing is that both of us hold the same philosophy that when you date you either end up married or you break up (and neither of us is planning on marrying any time soon). This was one of the reasons we didn't choose to "date" prior to now. It has been a wonderful experience thus far, but in the back of my mind I'm really nervous about what will happen come graduation. My girlfriend already has a job lined up across the country while I'm still looking for any offer at all. I like her a lot, but if I'm not able to find a job in a similar place, I can't think of any outcome other than a break-up (I don't want her or I to feel tethered to each other if we're living over 12 hours apart). My concern is that both of us agreed when we started this that however this ended we would stay friends afterward, however I am worried that that promise might be forgotten when the time finally comes (especially if I end up with an option to follow, but take a better offer elsewhere).
I guess what I'm asking is: should I be worried about this when graduation is still so far out? Should I be talking about this with her already (we only made it official about a week ago), or is it better to wait until the issue is more imminent? This is the first time I've been in a relationship that has lasted more than a week, so I'm a little lost on how to handle this sort of thing.
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"Proving god exists isn't hard. Proving god is God is the tricky part" - Roommate
Just go with the flow. I'm assuming since you are both undergrad seniors you are 22-23ish.
There are good reasons to break up of course. But I don't think that being unable to see the road all the way until marriage is a good filter to impose on opportunities in front of you.
You say you have never been in a relationship more than a week? That's all the more reason to go with the flow for now and use it as an opportunity to grow emotionally. Learn about yourself and how you are in a relationship. I guarantee you will end up surprising yourself.
Even if things don't end amicably come the time when y'all possibly go your separate ways (note how many qualifiers are in there? none of that is a guarantee), if you're truly good friends, in time, you will end up on the same page and be friendly with one another. It takes time, but eventually folks that you click with end up in your life once again. Or, at least, that is how it has worked with me with two of my exes. One ended up in Turkey while I'm here in the states and we catch up when she visits her family and another lived a few states away for a while, but now we commonly meet up for dinner every so often. You're still young, and so you can't put too much weight on what happens now. Hell, things might not work out now, but ten years from now who knows?
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One of these day I have to get myself organizized.
Man, you put so much pressure on you.
Let things go. Like Marley said: "Open your eyes, look within. Are you satisfied with the life you're living?"
If yes, this his good. Live it, Live it now. Dont worry, be happy, thats from another guy.
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I'm french canadian, english is not my mother tongue, please forgive any mistakes.
BRW
''Know thy self, know thy enemy. A thousand battles, a thousand victories.''
Thanks for the responses guys. I definitely understand that this isn't a reason to break up right now. My question is whether my concerns are things I should be bringing up with my girlfriend now, or is it better just to wait until they are more of an immediate concern?
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"Proving god exists isn't hard. Proving god is God is the tricky part" - Roommate
Thanks for the responses guys. I definitely understand that this isn't a reason to break up right now. My question is whether my concerns are things I should be bringing up with my girlfriend now, or is it better just to wait until they are more of an immediate concern?
A good relationship I'd an open one, communication is key. If this is a nagging feeling that is eating you up, talk about it with her. Worst case scenario she isn't understanding and it doesn't work out, that would suck but is that someone you really want to be with? The more likely out come is by sharing an insecurity you end up with a stronger relationship (zomg man-feelings).
I would agree with the other responses that you should live a little more in the moment and enjoy what you have right now. Young relationships, especially since this is one of your first, are a wonderful chance for emotional growth. Even if it isn't meant to be you still gain invaluable tools to be an all around better person. Enjoy it.
Quirkiness - You're overthinking this. Thinking about what is to come in a relationship is going to ruin what you already have.
Enjoy what you have, and try to take things as they come. Becoming neurotic about it is only going to strain the relationship and any potential future friendship. It's really important that you don't confuse what you think should happen with what actually has to happen. I'm actually sad for you guys that you didn't get more time together because of the artificial constraints you put on the potential relationship. It sounds like you really care about her, and the reality is that you'll regret what you didn't do more than what you did.
You should definitely talk to your girlfriend about these concerns, see what she says. Don't discount a long-distance relationship, my wife and I spent a total off three of the twelve years we've been together across the country from one another. It's never fun, but if she's as great as you think she is, she'd be worth it. Skype and Facetime have made the distance a lot less of a problem in recent years, too. We just kept a Skype call open so we could talk whenever. It would have been the worst mistake of my life if we didn't even try when she moved away, and a lot of couples break-up because it's what they believe has to happen instead of just following how they feel.
I'm not saying follow her across the country blindly. I'm saying give your relationship a chance, because breaking up in your head now to save yourself pain later never works, you're still hurt later and you've ruined the time you'd have together now. There is no timeframe on when the break-up/marriage has to happen. My wife and I dated for nine years before we got married. It worked because we loved one another, and while the distance, lack of money or inability to move forward with marriage was rough, it was ultimately worth it because I didn't break up with my best friend just because things got hard. This was also the third time my wife and I dated - a break-up doesn't have to be the end forever, sometimes it just means that one or both of you needs time to mature before trying again.
If neither of you think you're ready for a long distance relationship, talk about it. If the answer is 'I need someone nearby', 'it's too much work' or 'I don't think I could stay faithful', that's one thing. If the answer boils down to 'I'll miss you too much and I think it'll just be painful', that's a very different thing.
Quirkiness - You're overthinking this. Thinking about what is to come in a relationship is going to ruin what you already have.
Enjoy what you have, and try to take things as they come. Becoming neurotic about it is only going to strain the relationship and any potential future friendship. It's really important that you don't confuse what you think should happen with what actually has to happen. I'm actually sad for you guys that you didn't get more time together because of the artificial constraints you put on the potential relationship. It sounds like you really care about her, and the reality is that you'll regret what you didn't do more than what you did.
You should definitely talk to your girlfriend about these concerns, see what she says. Don't discount a long-distance relationship, my wife and I spent a total off three of the twelve years we've been together across the country from one another. It's never fun, but if she's as great as you think she is, she'd be worth it. Skype and Facetime have made the distance a lot less of a problem in recent years, too. We just kept a Skype call open so we could talk whenever. It would have been the worst mistake of my life if we didn't even try when she moved away, and a lot of couples break-up because it's what they believe has to happen instead of just following how they feel.
I'm not saying follow her across the country blindly. I'm saying give your relationship a chance, because breaking up in your head now to save yourself pain later never works, you're still hurt later and you've ruined the time you'd have together now. There is no timeframe on when the break-up/marriage has to happen. My wife and I dated for nine years before we got married. It worked because we loved one another, and while the distance, lack of money or inability to move forward with marriage was rough, it was ultimately worth it because I didn't break up with my best friend just because things got hard. This was also the third time my wife and I dated - a break-up doesn't have to be the end forever, sometimes it just means that one or both of you needs time to mature before trying again.
If neither of you think you're ready for a long distance relationship, talk about it. If the answer is 'I need someone nearby', 'it's too much work' or 'I don't think I could stay faithful', that's one thing. If the answer boils down to 'I'll miss you too much and I think it'll just be painful', that's a very different thing.
Thanks. This is very reassuring. I think the part that makes this hardest at the moment is that I don't really know much about relationships and how they work, so I don't know when the right time to raise concerns are and when to just let things go. You suggested bringing up my concerns, is there a good time to do this sort of thing? Is this many months out too early? I don't want to create a problem if there isn't one.
I think my sense of caution works against me in these cases
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"Proving god exists isn't hard. Proving god is God is the tricky part" - Roommate
Quirkiness - You're overthinking this. Thinking about what is to come in a relationship is going to ruin what you already have.
Enjoy what you have, and try to take things as they come. Becoming neurotic about it is only going to strain the relationship and any potential future friendship. It's really important that you don't confuse what you think should happen with what actually has to happen. I'm actually sad for you guys that you didn't get more time together because of the artificial constraints you put on the potential relationship. It sounds like you really care about her, and the reality is that you'll regret what you didn't do more than what you did.
You should definitely talk to your girlfriend about these concerns, see what she says. Don't discount a long-distance relationship, my wife and I spent a total off three of the twelve years we've been together across the country from one another. It's never fun, but if she's as great as you think she is, she'd be worth it. Skype and Facetime have made the distance a lot less of a problem in recent years, too. We just kept a Skype call open so we could talk whenever. It would have been the worst mistake of my life if we didn't even try when she moved away, and a lot of couples break-up because it's what they believe has to happen instead of just following how they feel.
I'm not saying follow her across the country blindly. I'm saying give your relationship a chance, because breaking up in your head now to save yourself pain later never works, you're still hurt later and you've ruined the time you'd have together now. There is no timeframe on when the break-up/marriage has to happen. My wife and I dated for nine years before we got married. It worked because we loved one another, and while the distance, lack of money or inability to move forward with marriage was rough, it was ultimately worth it because I didn't break up with my best friend just because things got hard. This was also the third time my wife and I dated - a break-up doesn't have to be the end forever, sometimes it just means that one or both of you needs time to mature before trying again.
If neither of you think you're ready for a long distance relationship, talk about it. If the answer is 'I need someone nearby', 'it's too much work' or 'I don't think I could stay faithful', that's one thing. If the answer boils down to 'I'll miss you too much and I think it'll just be painful', that's a very different thing.
Thanks. This is very reassuring. I think the part that makes this hardest at the moment is that I don't really know much about relationships and how they work, so I don't know when the right time to raise concerns are and when to just let things go. You suggested bringing up my concerns, is there a good time to do this sort of thing? Is this many months out too early? I don't want to create a problem if there isn't one.
I think my sense of caution works against me in these cases
I'm actually going to go against the grain of what Jay and Sunforged are saying and say don't bring it up with her, at least not until you've worked it out with yourself a little more.
I think that imposing the need to see the entire future through before you can accept the present is a really extreme position. It's too cautious an approach.
Focus more on the present-about how you can make what you have with her great. Live in the moment, but be mindful of the future.
I think at this time, you're more the opposite. You live in the future, and are merely mindful of the moment. When you're thinking about breaking up with her in anticipation that it might end up being long distance, it means your decision making of today is based in the future. The fact that you are in a relationship with her now is not that consequential, something you are merely mindful of.
The reason my advice is don't bring it up with her just yet, is because I think you should give yourself some time to evaluate how you evaluate things. Take some time and introspect if being so cautious is prudent.
The problem with an overly cautious mindset is that the overly cautious tend to overweigh what they could lose, and not value sufficiently what they could gain.
That's the approach I took in my 20s, and it's honestly one of my biggest regrets now in my 30s. I didn't lose much in my 20s. But in all honesty, I didn't have much to lose in my 20s. Now I feel like I have "lost out" in the sense that I didn't gain enough. I know we're moving past the relationship dimension of the advice, but you've mentioned several times now your cautious nature.
Of course if it remains a concern of yours in your relationship bring it up with her. Talk things through. But give yourself some time to stew on your own mental framework.
So, update: I ended up having a long chat with my girlfriend. We both laid out a lot of our long term aspirations, goals, plans etc as well as discussing how to handle things post graduation. We both agreed that neither of us want to get married immediately after graduation, but both also see each other as potential long term partners. While she said she'd still prefer it if I were able to live near her, she's mostly interested in whether or not I'm committed to this (I think I am). Obviously, there's a long road ahead, but I feel for the first time in while like I'm starting to have something resembling a map and a companion for the journey
Thanks for all of the advice guys and for making sure my head was on straight!
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"Proving god exists isn't hard. Proving god is God is the tricky part" - Roommate
By the way, getting married right after graduation can actually work really well. My husband and I graduated on a Monday and got married that Friday. We've been married 19 years this spring. Don't dismiss early marriage out of hand.
By the way, getting married right after graduation can actually work really well. My husband and I graduated on a Monday and got married that Friday. We've been married 19 years this spring. Don't dismiss early marriage out of hand.
It also depends on the sacrifices one is willing to make. With the current economy and ball busting mechanics for youngsters to get jobs, they must have the agility to place their own self interests ahead of love. Since most divorces end in either communication deficit or money problems.
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Life is a beautiful engineer, yet a brutal scientist.
It's going very well, thank you! Working on some new deck ideas. Trading away my daughter's Modern Affinity deck (she prefers Tron now), etc.
And I know that the economy is bad, but I have seen far too many of my acquaintance reach their 30s and 40s and struggle to find a partner. It's not something I would ever recommend.
By the way, getting married right after graduation can actually work really well. Smile My husband and I graduated on a Monday and got married that Friday. We've been married 19 years this spring. Don't dismiss early marriage out of hand.
Before you can live with someone else you first have to live with yourself. If the guy does not have any job prospects yet then really getting married is not a good idea. Getting married with one partner being unemployed from the start is not the ideal way to start a marriage.
Also I question whether your girl is ready for marriage if she is not willing to at least get a job where you both can live. Marriage is all about compromise.
And I know that the economy is bad, but I have seen far too many of my acquaintance reach their 30s and 40s and struggle to find a partner. Frown It's not something I would ever recommend.
I disagree with this sentiment. It is rare that 23 year olds have the maturity to be married. Also a person is not made whole by getting married. I'm not knocking marriage but be wary of being in a relationship just for the sake of being in one. It has been my experience that being alone is better than being in a destructive relationship
I guess what I'm asking is: should I be worried about this when graduation is still so far out? Should I be talking about this with her already (we only made it official about a week ago), or is it better to wait until the issue is more imminent? This is the first time I've been in a relationship that has lasted more than a week, so I'm a little lost on how to handle this sort of thing.
Just go with the flow. I'm assuming since you are both undergrad seniors you are 22-23ish.
There are good reasons to break up of course. But I don't think that being unable to see the road all the way until marriage is a good filter to impose on opportunities in front of you.
You say you have never been in a relationship more than a week? That's all the more reason to go with the flow for now and use it as an opportunity to grow emotionally. Learn about yourself and how you are in a relationship. I guarantee you will end up surprising yourself.
Let things go. Like Marley said: "Open your eyes, look within. Are you satisfied with the life you're living?"
If yes, this his good. Live it, Live it now. Dont worry, be happy, thats from another guy.
A good relationship I'd an open one, communication is key. If this is a nagging feeling that is eating you up, talk about it with her. Worst case scenario she isn't understanding and it doesn't work out, that would suck but is that someone you really want to be with? The more likely out come is by sharing an insecurity you end up with a stronger relationship (zomg man-feelings).
I would agree with the other responses that you should live a little more in the moment and enjoy what you have right now. Young relationships, especially since this is one of your first, are a wonderful chance for emotional growth. Even if it isn't meant to be you still gain invaluable tools to be an all around better person. Enjoy it.
Enjoy what you have, and try to take things as they come. Becoming neurotic about it is only going to strain the relationship and any potential future friendship. It's really important that you don't confuse what you think should happen with what actually has to happen. I'm actually sad for you guys that you didn't get more time together because of the artificial constraints you put on the potential relationship. It sounds like you really care about her, and the reality is that you'll regret what you didn't do more than what you did.
You should definitely talk to your girlfriend about these concerns, see what she says. Don't discount a long-distance relationship, my wife and I spent a total off three of the twelve years we've been together across the country from one another. It's never fun, but if she's as great as you think she is, she'd be worth it. Skype and Facetime have made the distance a lot less of a problem in recent years, too. We just kept a Skype call open so we could talk whenever. It would have been the worst mistake of my life if we didn't even try when she moved away, and a lot of couples break-up because it's what they believe has to happen instead of just following how they feel.
I'm not saying follow her across the country blindly. I'm saying give your relationship a chance, because breaking up in your head now to save yourself pain later never works, you're still hurt later and you've ruined the time you'd have together now. There is no timeframe on when the break-up/marriage has to happen. My wife and I dated for nine years before we got married. It worked because we loved one another, and while the distance, lack of money or inability to move forward with marriage was rough, it was ultimately worth it because I didn't break up with my best friend just because things got hard. This was also the third time my wife and I dated - a break-up doesn't have to be the end forever, sometimes it just means that one or both of you needs time to mature before trying again.
If neither of you think you're ready for a long distance relationship, talk about it. If the answer is 'I need someone nearby', 'it's too much work' or 'I don't think I could stay faithful', that's one thing. If the answer boils down to 'I'll miss you too much and I think it'll just be painful', that's a very different thing.
TerribleBad at Magic since 1998.A Vorthos Guide to Magic Story | Twitter | Tumblr
[Primer] Krenko | Azor | Kess | Zacama | Kumena | Sram | The Ur-Dragon | Edgar Markov | Daretti | Marath
Thanks. This is very reassuring. I think the part that makes this hardest at the moment is that I don't really know much about relationships and how they work, so I don't know when the right time to raise concerns are and when to just let things go. You suggested bringing up my concerns, is there a good time to do this sort of thing? Is this many months out too early? I don't want to create a problem if there isn't one.
I think my sense of caution works against me in these cases
I'm actually going to go against the grain of what Jay and Sunforged are saying and say don't bring it up with her, at least not until you've worked it out with yourself a little more.
I think that imposing the need to see the entire future through before you can accept the present is a really extreme position. It's too cautious an approach.
Focus more on the present-about how you can make what you have with her great. Live in the moment, but be mindful of the future.
I think at this time, you're more the opposite. You live in the future, and are merely mindful of the moment. When you're thinking about breaking up with her in anticipation that it might end up being long distance, it means your decision making of today is based in the future. The fact that you are in a relationship with her now is not that consequential, something you are merely mindful of.
The reason my advice is don't bring it up with her just yet, is because I think you should give yourself some time to evaluate how you evaluate things. Take some time and introspect if being so cautious is prudent.
The problem with an overly cautious mindset is that the overly cautious tend to overweigh what they could lose, and not value sufficiently what they could gain.
That's the approach I took in my 20s, and it's honestly one of my biggest regrets now in my 30s. I didn't lose much in my 20s. But in all honesty, I didn't have much to lose in my 20s. Now I feel like I have "lost out" in the sense that I didn't gain enough. I know we're moving past the relationship dimension of the advice, but you've mentioned several times now your cautious nature.
Of course if it remains a concern of yours in your relationship bring it up with her. Talk things through. But give yourself some time to stew on your own mental framework.
TerribleBad at Magic since 1998.A Vorthos Guide to Magic Story | Twitter | Tumblr
[Primer] Krenko | Azor | Kess | Zacama | Kumena | Sram | The Ur-Dragon | Edgar Markov | Daretti | Marath
Thanks for all of the advice guys and for making sure my head was on straight!
P.S. how's it going Kedvesem? Recognize you from twitter.
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It also depends on the sacrifices one is willing to make. With the current economy and ball busting mechanics for youngsters to get jobs, they must have the agility to place their own self interests ahead of love. Since most divorces end in either communication deficit or money problems.
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And I know that the economy is bad, but I have seen far too many of my acquaintance reach their 30s and 40s and struggle to find a partner. It's not something I would ever recommend.
Before you can live with someone else you first have to live with yourself. If the guy does not have any job prospects yet then really getting married is not a good idea. Getting married with one partner being unemployed from the start is not the ideal way to start a marriage.
Also I question whether your girl is ready for marriage if she is not willing to at least get a job where you both can live. Marriage is all about compromise.
I disagree with this sentiment. It is rare that 23 year olds have the maturity to be married. Also a person is not made whole by getting married. I'm not knocking marriage but be wary of being in a relationship just for the sake of being in one. It has been my experience that being alone is better than being in a destructive relationship