i'm a gay man wanting straight men's perspectives about friendship. i've been heartbroken over a failed friendship at school; i can see that i've been repressing the hurt which i can't access. it's all unclear and a muddle to me.
sometimes i tell myself that i should "just get over it", or i would tell myself many other typical things people would say. but it hasn't been helping; i feel more like i'm scolding myself or shaming myself, rather than touching a place that "rings true" or rings with clarity when i tell myself these things.
sexual attraction, for me, has always been kind of fluid and mixed in with feelings of platonic attraction, to the point where it's hard for me to completely see these things as separate non-related concepts.
what i want to know is
if straight guys can feel
attachment, attraction, admiration, or a sense of "he /knows/ me" or "we /relate/ to each other" or "we /matter/ to each other" or "i'm not alone in this world" or "i'm made stronger because he is /okay/ with me"..
` to another guy
` to the point where
` if the friendship fails over him rejecting you, and no communication happens and you're cut off..
` that it can devastate you?
can straight men feel another guy to be that important to them? (even to the point of heartbreak many months later, upon rejection?)
can (platonic) friendships have that strong and essential a quality to them?
I'd say so. As a straight male, some of my strongest connections have been with my male friends. I'd even consider it more "brotherly" than platonic.
I've had broken friendships greatly upset me, with both males and females. I tend to have more female friends than males, but my male friends are generally closer to me because there's more to relate to, I think.
2011: Best Mafia Performance (Individual) - Best Newcomer
2012: Best (False?) Role Claim - Worst Town Performance (Group) - Best Mafia Performance (Group) - Best SK Performance - Best Overall Player
2013: Best Non-SK Neutral Performance
2014: Best Town Performance (Individual) - Best Town Performance (Group) - Most Interesting Role - Best Game - Best Overall Player
2015: Worst Mafia Performance (Group) - Best Read
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I'm not straight - I'm bi, however I have had friends in the past who I had absolutely no romantic or sexual interest in...we've had falling outs, and it sucks.
One I hung out with almost every day for six years, and then one day we just stopped talking...hung out again, had a few fights, and that was it. It hurts like hell, even after several years. The other turned out to be incredibly attracted to me, I did not reciprocate, he did not appreciate this. I cut ties to him after he scared me by trying to be too controlling and too into my life, and he STILL finds new and unique ways of showing that he's not over me.
That one hurts, because I remember what was, before it took a drop down the crazy side of the pool.
Intimacy is a powerful thing, however one finds it. Like "I'm going to share something I'm ashamed of about myself - I wonder how he'll react. Oh, great - he didn't judge me." It hurts to lose someone who understands you, accepts who you are, supports you, makes you think you're funnier than you really are, etc.
I will say that my biggest heartbreak was from losing a girl I was dating and expected to marry. In that circumstance, I lost my best friend at the time, but in addition I lost my vision for how my life would/could be. [She also used her knowledge of me to hurt me.] I don't think the heartbreak was necessarily worse just because I had been attracted to her...
I definitely think that straight men can feel attachment to other men. I lost one of my best friends a month ago because I transferred schools and he never made any effort to talk to me after that. I was devastated (though honestly it was a lot easier than wondering why he was ignoring me and hadn't ever tried to contact me). It happens.
I feel similarly to you about attraction and feelings being fluid. My method of living is to distinguish between love and expression.
We love people. Some of those people love us back.
The way we love and are loved back varies with the people, in that either party can set a limit on what type of expression is allowable in the relationship. It is normal to be attracted to people who don't feel (or feel morally obligated to not act on) attraction to you. But you have to be okay with that. You can love someone you are attracted to without Needing them to get all gross fleshbags with you, and vice versa. Sometimes it is tough, but let yourself love anyway. I think it is worth the occasional loss and heartache.
Absolutely. I have a friend I've known for as long as I can remember, and I consider him a brother. We tell each other we love each other at times, haha.
I had a falling out with a couple of my close friends about a year ago, and I remember feeling a lot of regret for losing the friendship. It taught me a lesson to take more care of relationships, and we've since made up.
Being hurted by a close friendship coming to an end is not related to sexual orientation whatsoever. The definition of friendship in the Oxford Dictionaries is going as follow:
The emotions or conduct of friends; the state of being friends:
MORE EXAMPLE SENTENCES
1.1 [COUNT NOUN] A relationship between friends: she formed close friendships with women
Heterosexual men are more than able to nourish feelings of trust, intimacy, reciprocity and platonic love towards other men. Personally, by having grown out of high school with one of my best friend, then having gone through undergraduate studies with three others that I encountered at university and going forward to graduate school in separate fields, we are nevertheless still learning together to become better adults : that creates a boundary that is valuable and precious. If I were to lose one of these close friends for whatever reason there is to be, I would be affected.
I'm a straight white male in my mid-40s and yeah, I can be friends with other guys and gay dudes/bi dudes.
I think it's less of an issue because of where I live (in Ottawa/Canada) where it's pretty...well, diverse (a lot of caucasians, but definitely orientation-wise) so I was exposed to differences really early in life.
My best friends are a lesbian (facepalm at blanking the D word), a straight dude, a pan dude,a bi dude etc. I've told them all I love them, it's part of life being able to love people that are different than you. And yeah, if I lost some of those friendships it would be really brutal. Since I can be pretty boiling point/reserved at times I make sure to let all my close friends what they mean to me.
I will say though that it's hard when a guy has been attracted to me to keep the friendship going when I can't return that physical attraction to him. I have done it, but it turned into more of a strong acquaintance than what he'd have liked.
But yeah man, you gotta have those experiences and friendships. They build you into a better person and not a bitter person.
Just like to end that MTG has been freaking sweet in how diverse a group it has brought together. Hope it's the same for you.
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Currently focusing on Duel Commander (Sigarda, Host of Herons) and goofy Commander builds.
Find me at the Wizard's Tower in Ottawa on Saturday afternoons or at Duel Commander at the Westboro Bridgehead on occasional Monday evenings.
I'm a straight white male in my late 30s and I have friends of all kinds, Men , Women, Straight and Gay. Never mix romance with friendships it's not worth losing a good friend. I lost a good friend once because are friendship led to a romantic encounter which made for awkward feelings . Not only did I lose them as a friend but mutual friends.