I am in marching band and have been the smartest at math and science in my grade at school. I have been known to be oblivious to social interaction. I have tried the idea to be in a relationship but most relationships around me end up with both people can't stand each other and most of the girls I have liked were my friends. I want to know how it is to be in a relationship. If the relationship ends I want us to still be friends. If it works so that we could be happily married then great. I am just trying to know if she is in to me without coming across as a stalker.
"Hey, I really like you. Would you be up for a date, maybe (activity or location) at (time)?"
She will either say yes, or no, or explain that she likes you as a friend.
If yes - Awesome. You're in. Be a gentleman without being overbearingly "nice guy". Treat her like a human being who deserves respect, offer to share your snacks with her if you go to the movies, maybe tell her she looks pretty. Don't drool all over her. Tell her she has pretty eyes, which is a very neutral & safe compliment. Over time if you continue dating the same girl you will learn more about her as a person & be able to be more open with her, but complimenting the eyes is good first-date material. If no - Ask if another time would be better. If still no, just "Hey, that's cool. Let me know if you ever want to do anything, okay?" Resume life as normal. If "I like you as a friend" - "That's cool, I can respect that. You're a really awesome person & I value your friendship." & mean it. Don't expect that you can nice her up until you get into her pants or whatever kids these days are doing. Actually be her friend if you want to be her friend, treat her like you would treat any of your guy friends.
Don't hold girls on a pedestal but don't treat them like dirt. Treat them like an equal human being. Be kind & understanding. Be respectful. Let them know how much you appreciate them. Be attracted but don't be all about sex. Be interested when she speaks.
& realize... there are literally billions of other girls out there if this current one doesn't work out for you. Rejection is not the end of the world; not many relationships end in marriage. Not all failed relationships end in friendship, either; just be a decent person & hope it works out. Don't force it if the spark isn't there. Take the end of a relationship as an opportunity to better yourself, not as an opportunity to be a depressed lump. Don't propose, no matter how much she nags you, unless you're sure (& when you make this decision, imagine her as she will be 30-50 years from the present. Do not let young, sexy girlfriend influence you, imagine both of you being married when you're old & wrinkly...do you still want to be with her then? This is a good test of whether your personalities are compatible.) Think with the head that's on your shoulders, not the other one. Experiment if you need to, but be safe. You might find what you're looking for in a place you didn't think to look for it, keep an open mind & an open heart.
I am in marching band and have been the smartest at math and science in my grade at school.
Maybe don't lead with how you're the smartest? Believe me, relying on intelligence as a source of self-worth is dangerous, because there will always be someone better than you at something.
In any case, lower your expectations. It's a long way from high school dating to happily married.
I also highly recommend perusing Dr. Nerdlove's Blog. I wish I had something like this when I was in high school, it would have helped me learn to avoid all the mistakes I made.
But if that's not your thing, here are a couple quick tips for getting started with dating:
- Don't build up anything in your head, unrealistic expectations are a relationship killer. A relationship is about enjoying the time you spend with someone, just like any other friend. Don't treat asking out a girl like an epic event - you're inviting a friend to do something fun. If they say yes, cool, I'll meet you there or pick you up. If they say no, also cool, let me know if you change your mind.
- Recognize that the powerful emotions you feel towards someone are infatuation, not love. It warps your perspective and causes you to pine after that cute girl in that one class you've barely talked to and probably wouldn't enjoy spending a lot of time with. Make sure whoever you ask out is someone you'd actually like spending time with.
- Learn to move on. If your crush barely knows your name and your attempts at conversation aren't returned with any interest, it's time to reconsider. Don't waste your time one someone who probably won't find you that interesting. Similarly, if you're rejected when asking someone out or dumped, be kind to them (you don't want to burn any bridges) and move on.
- Dress well. I can't emphasize this enough. I didn't learn this until college, but dressing in black t-shirts all the time isn't exactly the most flattering thing in the world. A good polo or button-up is transformative in the way people perceive you.
Thank you all for the advice. I especially appreciate telling me about the blog. I have more understanding about dating. I have heard(coming from friends) "It's a fun experience", "It's so difficult, you don't need to go through it", "Just wait. The right girl will come.", and "You don't need to date. Get through college first."; and it has confused me about it. So, again, thanks.
She will either say yes, or no, or explain that she likes you as a friend.
If yes - Awesome. You're in. Be a gentleman without being overbearingly "nice guy". Treat her like a human being who deserves respect, offer to share your snacks with her if you go to the movies, maybe tell her she looks pretty. Don't drool all over her. Tell her she has pretty eyes, which is a very neutral & safe compliment. Over time if you continue dating the same girl you will learn more about her as a person & be able to be more open with her, but complimenting the eyes is good first-date material.
If no - Ask if another time would be better. If still no, just "Hey, that's cool. Let me know if you ever want to do anything, okay?" Resume life as normal.
If "I like you as a friend" - "That's cool, I can respect that. You're a really awesome person & I value your friendship." & mean it. Don't expect that you can nice her up until you get into her pants or whatever kids these days are doing. Actually be her friend if you want to be her friend, treat her like you would treat any of your guy friends.
Don't hold girls on a pedestal but don't treat them like dirt. Treat them like an equal human being. Be kind & understanding. Be respectful. Let them know how much you appreciate them. Be attracted but don't be all about sex. Be interested when she speaks.
& realize... there are literally billions of other girls out there if this current one doesn't work out for you. Rejection is not the end of the world; not many relationships end in marriage. Not all failed relationships end in friendship, either; just be a decent person & hope it works out. Don't force it if the spark isn't there. Take the end of a relationship as an opportunity to better yourself, not as an opportunity to be a depressed lump. Don't propose, no matter how much she nags you, unless you're sure (& when you make this decision, imagine her as she will be 30-50 years from the present. Do not let young, sexy girlfriend influence you, imagine both of you being married when you're old & wrinkly...do you still want to be with her then? This is a good test of whether your personalities are compatible.) Think with the head that's on your shoulders, not the other one. Experiment if you need to, but be safe. You might find what you're looking for in a place you didn't think to look for it, keep an open mind & an open heart.
Best of luck to you!
Maybe don't lead with how you're the smartest? Believe me, relying on intelligence as a source of self-worth is dangerous, because there will always be someone better than you at something.
In any case, lower your expectations. It's a long way from high school dating to happily married.
I also highly recommend perusing Dr. Nerdlove's Blog. I wish I had something like this when I was in high school, it would have helped me learn to avoid all the mistakes I made.
But if that's not your thing, here are a couple quick tips for getting started with dating:
- Don't build up anything in your head, unrealistic expectations are a relationship killer. A relationship is about enjoying the time you spend with someone, just like any other friend. Don't treat asking out a girl like an epic event - you're inviting a friend to do something fun. If they say yes, cool, I'll meet you there or pick you up. If they say no, also cool, let me know if you change your mind.
- Recognize that the powerful emotions you feel towards someone are infatuation, not love. It warps your perspective and causes you to pine after that cute girl in that one class you've barely talked to and probably wouldn't enjoy spending a lot of time with. Make sure whoever you ask out is someone you'd actually like spending time with.
- Learn to move on. If your crush barely knows your name and your attempts at conversation aren't returned with any interest, it's time to reconsider. Don't waste your time one someone who probably won't find you that interesting. Similarly, if you're rejected when asking someone out or dumped, be kind to them (you don't want to burn any bridges) and move on.
- Dress well. I can't emphasize this enough. I didn't learn this until college, but dressing in black t-shirts all the time isn't exactly the most flattering thing in the world. A good polo or button-up is transformative in the way people perceive you.
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