Like most guys, I screw up and piss off my wife from time to time. Usually, it's because I'm spending too much time on games or NOT with her.
But tonight I did a real doozy.
Recently, my wife fell in love with Stand UP Paddle-boarding aka SUP, and after searching constantly for a good deal on a paddleboard, and a lot of debate over what Paddleboard to get, she finally got a nice deal (about $725 after shipping) on a BIC Paddleboard (a top quality brand). She got it in the mail a little over a week ago and we've been out on our local reservoir about 3 times (I take my Kayak). She loves her Paddleboard and it's the first nice thing she's had of her very own. She's also very meticulous about it's cared for and handled so it doesn't get scratched.
After tonight's session, I was packing things up while she was talking to her parent's in the Philippines. I started trying to load her SUP on to the top of the Rav4 and it slipped out of my hand's and crashed onto the pavement. Now, the Paddleboard isn't that heavy, only about 35 lbs, but it's a bit wide (30+ ?") and 10'4" I believe. So, I've handled it fine before, but this time it fell from my grasp.
Initially, I yelled some expletives and told her she should have been helping me. Of course, I realize I was wrong to say that and I should've have simpley waited for her to finish talking with her parents. Immediately, I started apologies and after inspecting the SUP, we discovered some dings and scratches on the plastic. It's still functional of course, but she's UBERLY mad at me because I scratched up her brand new toy and initially yelled at her while she was talking to her parents.
She's been giving cold/hostile reactions whenever I try to apologize, telling me I'm careless, selfish and I don't care about the value of anything. I've apologized as best I can, but she says I don't know the meaning of the word Sorry. I also said if I could go back in time and change things I would, and she said "B.S."
I'm really not sure what to do. She told she doesn't want me to touching her Paddleboard and she were capable of handling it on her own, she would never let me near it.
Seriously guys, I need some help/ideas. The only idea I can think of right now is to try and buy her a new SUP, but that's not easy since they cost upwards of $1,000
You screwed up. You have a responsibility to admit your mistake, apologize, and do what you can to make things better.
She has a responsibility to forgive you.
From what I can read, you have done your part, so she probably just needs time before she's ready to do her part.
If it comes to the point where she is never willing to forgive you, then I'd suggest counseling, etc., but it doesn't sound like you two are there now.
Unsolicited advice - John Gottman's books on conflict provide tremendous perspective on how not to fight, how to fight, as well as how to leverage conflict to improve your relationship. Why Marriages Succeed or Fail, for example.
It sounds like you're just going to need some time. You apologized, and I'd recommend watching your temper in the future. This kind of thing is a problem of mine, too - I try and do everything myself and then get mad when people didn't help when things go wrong. Just try to do better.
Just curious... how do you apologize? I have found that often times with women they aren't hung up so much and mad about the actual event that happened and more so with what that event means. Did you apologize for dropping the board or for being impatient? Did you apologize for yelling at her or for having a quick temper? Showing her that you recognize the actual problem (having a temper and being impatient) will mean a lot more than simply showing her that you recognize that you damaged her toy.
I think FluffyBunny had some really good points. At first, I thought she was mad because I damaged her toy, and she was. But I think she was even more upset (or her anger was compounded) by the fact that I didn't wait for her to finish with her parents before bugging her to help me and then got a bit upset.
Also, to help you understand, when I got mad, I wouldn't call it losing my temper, but just a quick snap of frustration/panic because I knew that once the board fell out of my hands and hit the ground, it wasn't going to end well and of course my first thought was "If only she should've been helping me". So my response of "Baby, you should've been helping me" was more of a defensive/panicked outburst.
Either way, she finally did forgive me and things are going pretty well for the time being. Thanks for the advice guys.
Also, to help you understand, when I got mad, I wouldn't call it losing my temper, but just a quick snap of frustration/panic because I knew that once the board fell out of my hands and hit the ground, it wasn't going to end well and of course my first thought was "If only she should've been helping me". So my response of "Baby, you should've been helping me" was more of a defensive/panicked outburst.
It's important to understand that snapping at someone is still losing your temper. I came from a home where my family yelled at each other on a regular basis, so I didn't really think snapping at someone was a big deal. My wife comes from a home where her parents never raised their voice to their children or to each other. With her I learned that what I thought of Snapping at someone in a short outburst of anger can be just as hurtful as yelling and ranting at them - it's the shock of it that's hurtful. She's so unused to that sudden change in demeanor that it really gets to her.
She is filipina... forgiveness will take a long time
As a person also married to a Filipina i can tell you that when you screw up it takes a LONG time for it be cool again, and even once its cool its something she will dig back and use as a point against you for as long as she can even if its not relevant.
Best thing you can do is apologize, do what she said which is to not touch her stuff anymore and make sure that if she asks you to handle her board again you plant your foot down and tell her 'look you told me not to handle it so im not, last time i did we had a huge issue over it so this time if anything happens its on you and im not dealing with that anymore' and if she plans to bring your shouting you simply say 'yeah that was a bad reaction and i apologized for it already, my point still stands'.
That in no way will solve your problem but it will at least make you feel better when something happens again and she blames it all on you.
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You know, as a girl i'm really impressed that you immediately realized your mistake and tried to make it right. We all screw up and do stupid things sometimes. I'd say give it time. I think that if you yelled at her because you were mad that YOU dropped her thingy then you probably are frustrated with her about something else and it just came out in a really weird and inappropriately timed way, so you might want to ask yourself what REALLY has been frustrating you, because I dont think it's dropping someone else's paddle board.
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Like most guys, I screw up and piss off my wife from time to time. Usually, it's because I'm spending too much time on games or NOT with her.
But tonight I did a real doozy.
Recently, my wife fell in love with Stand UP Paddle-boarding aka SUP, and after searching constantly for a good deal on a paddleboard, and a lot of debate over what Paddleboard to get, she finally got a nice deal (about $725 after shipping) on a BIC Paddleboard (a top quality brand). She got it in the mail a little over a week ago and we've been out on our local reservoir about 3 times (I take my Kayak). She loves her Paddleboard and it's the first nice thing she's had of her very own. She's also very meticulous about it's cared for and handled so it doesn't get scratched.
After tonight's session, I was packing things up while she was talking to her parent's in the Philippines. I started trying to load her SUP on to the top of the Rav4 and it slipped out of my hand's and crashed onto the pavement. Now, the Paddleboard isn't that heavy, only about 35 lbs, but it's a bit wide (30+ ?") and 10'4" I believe. So, I've handled it fine before, but this time it fell from my grasp.
Initially, I yelled some expletives and told her she should have been helping me. Of course, I realize I was wrong to say that and I should've have simpley waited for her to finish talking with her parents. Immediately, I started apologies and after inspecting the SUP, we discovered some dings and scratches on the plastic. It's still functional of course, but she's UBERLY mad at me because I scratched up her brand new toy and initially yelled at her while she was talking to her parents.
She's been giving cold/hostile reactions whenever I try to apologize, telling me I'm careless, selfish and I don't care about the value of anything. I've apologized as best I can, but she says I don't know the meaning of the word Sorry. I also said if I could go back in time and change things I would, and she said "B.S."
I'm really not sure what to do. She told she doesn't want me to touching her Paddleboard and she were capable of handling it on her own, she would never let me near it.
Seriously guys, I need some help/ideas. The only idea I can think of right now is to try and buy her a new SUP, but that's not easy since they cost upwards of $1,000
http://forums.mtgsalvation.com/showthread.php?t=409478
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She has a responsibility to forgive you.
From what I can read, you have done your part, so she probably just needs time before she's ready to do her part.
If it comes to the point where she is never willing to forgive you, then I'd suggest counseling, etc., but it doesn't sound like you two are there now.
Unsolicited advice - John Gottman's books on conflict provide tremendous perspective on how not to fight, how to fight, as well as how to leverage conflict to improve your relationship. Why Marriages Succeed or Fail, for example.
TerribleBad at Magic since 1998.A Vorthos Guide to Magic Story | Twitter | Tumblr
[Primer] Krenko | Azor | Kess | Zacama | Kumena | Sram | The Ur-Dragon | Edgar Markov | Daretti | Marath
I think FluffyBunny had some really good points. At first, I thought she was mad because I damaged her toy, and she was. But I think she was even more upset (or her anger was compounded) by the fact that I didn't wait for her to finish with her parents before bugging her to help me and then got a bit upset.
Also, to help you understand, when I got mad, I wouldn't call it losing my temper, but just a quick snap of frustration/panic because I knew that once the board fell out of my hands and hit the ground, it wasn't going to end well and of course my first thought was "If only she should've been helping me". So my response of "Baby, you should've been helping me" was more of a defensive/panicked outburst.
Either way, she finally did forgive me and things are going pretty well for the time being. Thanks for the advice guys.
http://forums.mtgsalvation.com/showthread.php?t=409478
It's important to understand that snapping at someone is still losing your temper. I came from a home where my family yelled at each other on a regular basis, so I didn't really think snapping at someone was a big deal. My wife comes from a home where her parents never raised their voice to their children or to each other. With her I learned that what I thought of Snapping at someone in a short outburst of anger can be just as hurtful as yelling and ranting at them - it's the shock of it that's hurtful. She's so unused to that sudden change in demeanor that it really gets to her.
TerribleBad at Magic since 1998.A Vorthos Guide to Magic Story | Twitter | Tumblr
[Primer] Krenko | Azor | Kess | Zacama | Kumena | Sram | The Ur-Dragon | Edgar Markov | Daretti | Marath
You made a mistake, they happen, but losing your temper is probably what really set her off. Again, just give her time.
You made a mistake, they happen, but losing your temper is probably what really set her off. Again, just give her time.
As a person also married to a Filipina i can tell you that when you screw up it takes a LONG time for it be cool again, and even once its cool its something she will dig back and use as a point against you for as long as she can even if its not relevant.
Best thing you can do is apologize, do what she said which is to not touch her stuff anymore and make sure that if she asks you to handle her board again you plant your foot down and tell her 'look you told me not to handle it so im not, last time i did we had a huge issue over it so this time if anything happens its on you and im not dealing with that anymore' and if she plans to bring your shouting you simply say 'yeah that was a bad reaction and i apologized for it already, my point still stands'.
That in no way will solve your problem but it will at least make you feel better when something happens again and she blames it all on you.