I don't even know if this is something that can be taught, all I know is that I'm terrible at it. I hold myself to pretty high standards and I find it difficult to not take myself seriously.
Does anybody have any advice? Thank you in advance!
I would start by telling people self-deprecating things about yourself and making a few self-deprecating jokes in conversation.
It might help if you elaborate more on what you mean by taking yourself too seriously. How old are you, as that can change your outlook (Teen/College Student/Working Adult)? Do you respond poorly to friendly teasing? Are you self-conscious about certain things? Would you say you have good self-esteem? Are you in a social group that jokes about themselves a lot?
More importantly, if a good friend were to tease you (in a friendly way), how does that make you feel? A family member? A work friend? Do you feel people frequently go over the line?
Are you feeling generally down right now and possibly overreact to what you recognize as good natured teasing?
There are a lot of ways to take yourself too seriously, so if you narrow it down we may work from there.
It's a really hard thing to do. I always take everything way too seriously and I end up ruining a lot of fun times with my g/f because I get too angry or I'm too sensitive about something. It sucks and I feel like I can't control it or get out of it when it happens, but recently, I vowed to try my hardest to just get over things and let stuff slide. When I feel myself getting mad, I say internally "don't get mad, this really isn't worth it...just relax" and when I move on, it's the best feeling ever--kind of like when you think you failed a test and then you get your grade and it's better than you thought, it's that kind of relief.
I think the best thing to do when you are embarrassed or get mad or hurt or whatever is to immediately smile. The physical act of smiling helps you feel better, trust me.
I'm self conscious about being short, unemployed (I'm a student), lazy (I'd say I work harder than the average person but I still don't feel like I try hard enough), physically weak, ignorant about lots of things (though I know I'm no more ignorant than anybody else), ethically hypocritical, and bad with women.
I'd say I have pretty (but not extremely) low self esteem. I have perfectionistic tendencies and minor failures and/or rejections can really upset me.
I generally don't respond poorly to being teased, but then again, people rarely tease me. Me and one of my close friends tease each other a lot, but apart from that me and my friends rarely joke about ourselves or each other.
The reason I made this post is because when I fail to achieve even minor goals I tend to get down on myself. And I feel like that's not a healthy way to live, and that I should be able to look in the mirror and laugh rather than sigh or get frustrated.
I'm not sure anyone looks in a mirror and laughs (at least anyone sane). It sounds like this is more of a case of low self-esteem.
I think the issue in question here is to recognize that failing at something isn't the same as failing as a person. Every fails. If you allow yourself to look hard enough, you'll always find how someone else is better than you in some way. But more important, you're better than everyone else in some way. You'll never be the best, but remember it's pretty lonely being the best and often involves so much dedication those people never have a life. So anyway, let's tackle this one at a time. None of the 'faults' you list are anything I don't recognize in myself, but I don't beat myself up about them anymore.
Your height isn't something you can control. You're probably the only person who actually cares, because outside of high school no one really cares how tall you are (the exception being dwarfism, which I would assume you'd mention). But if you think being short is bad, the coolest guy out there in pop culture is Peter Dinklage.
If you're 'bad with women', it's probably only from a lack of experience. I highly recommend Dr. Nerdlove's blog, he says pretty much the same thing I would say on any romantic stuff for nerds, and a lot of other psychological or social issues you might have.
For your perfectionist tendencies, just stop and take a minute and evaluate whether or not you're being realistic. I can be hugely obsessive and the only way to snap myself out of it is to stop and think. I say to myself 'is this really important?', and if it isn't I force myself to stop, or remove myself from whatever it was until I'm level.
If you don't like how you're physically weak, god to the gym or start exercising through martial arts classes or sports. I know it's the same line you always get, but it's true because it works. Once I got into the groove of going the gym, even just for 30 minutes to do cardio, I felt a whole lot better about myself. Exercising does that, it's a natural anti-depressant. It can just take a while to get into the groove - months even - before you can go without trying to talk yourself out of it.
Other than that, the only other recommendation I can make to you is to fake it. I have found through my entire life that 'faking it' works better than anything else to get me where I want to be. When I didn't want to be a shy, insecure nerd, I started faking confidence I didn't really feel. I treated it like a game, and would 'act' the way I wanted to be, and eventually it just became who I am. If you want to laugh at yourself in the mirror, force yourself to smile and pretend in the mirror first. Tell yourself the things you know you should feel but don't. Eventually it won't be an act anymore.
If none of that helps, you may want talk to a therapist. It's easy to fall into a funk while you're in school, so if you cant manage your way out of it now you can at least talk to someone about it.
Your height isn't something you can control. You're probably the only person who actually cares, because outside of high school no one really cares how tall you are (the exception being dwarfism, which I would assume you'd mention). But if you think being short is bad, the coolest guy out there in pop culture is Peter Dinklage.
Koreans literally choose their mates depending on height.
If you're a really short woman, like my cousin, then you're going to have a hard time marrying. She has a well-playing job and came out of the Korean-equivalent to Yale. But she also happens to be like 5ft 0inches. Too short. Men have no interest.
Same is true with men. Short Korean men are in a bad place. If you're shorter than 5ft 7, you're probably screwed!
Women definitely care about height when selecting a mate, and tall people on average make more money/are more likely to be in management positions. And Peter Dinklage is an extreme, extreme, extreme exception to the rule. I know it's not something I control but I do feel discriminated against due to my height.
It's hard for me to determine what's realistic when it comes to how hard I work. I know there are lots of people who work 60-80 hour weeks. And I know my ancestors had way harsher lives than
mine, so I don't feel like I can complain or say "I can't do it."
I exercise about half an hour a day, and I enjoy it. But I'm also very conscious about how much weaker I am than everybody else there, and how I'll almost certainly never get to their level (because they devote more time and energy to it, time that I'm spending focusing on my career).
Man.. I keep hearing how faking it is the way to go. And there's too much consensus for it not to be true. But how do you fake finding something funny? (I know, just do it. But you get what I mean, right?)
When I was growing up, I was made fun of alot. I'm pretty short, 5'4" and didn't even get to that height until about the 11th grade.
Being made fun of alot, I found it best to beat them to the punch. Just roll with it and never take anything too seriously.
One thing I recommend to do, if you feel lazy and weak, is to try weight lifting. I was pretty weak before but now I can squat 225 lbs and bench press my body weight(175 lbs). The increase in testosterone from the lifting will give you confidence too
Women definitely care about height when selecting a mate, and tall people on average make more money/are more likely to be in management positions. And Peter Dinklage is an extreme, extreme, extreme exception to the rule. I know it's not something I control but I do feel discriminated against due to my height.
You are way over thinking this. Height may be an initial attraction, but any woman worth your time will care more about your personality than your height. My buddy who is 5'4" has had more girlfriends than another friend who is 6'4", and I'd say they're equally nerdy and about as good looking. Confidence is far more attractive, and being insecure about your height is the turn off, not your height itself.
That's why I say fake it, because projecting that confidence is the most important factor. Tall people on average make more money and are more likely to be in management positions because they are socialized into being confident about their position and are comfortable in their bodies. It's not an inherent trait in their tallness.
I'm literally the shortest male in my family, on both sides. All of my male cousins, even those 10 years younger than me, are taller than me. It might bother me, but letting it impede your success makes it a self-fulfilling prophecy.
It's hard for me to determine what's realistic when it comes to how hard I work. I know there are lots of people who work 60-80 hour weeks. And I know my ancestors had way harsher lives than mine, so I don't feel like I can complain or say "I can't do it."
See, this is you being unrealistic. Your ancestors worked as hard as they did so that you could have it a little bit better than they did. Don't compare your life to theirs when the context is completely different.
What you should be asking yourself is "Is this product good enough for the time I had to put into it?"
It isn't realistic to put hours of effort into something that will be read in ten minutes and forgotten a short time later. It also isn't realistic to stress yourself out about a project of relatively minor importance. Start figuring out where your comfortable work/life balance is and try to maintain it. You should stress about work some, but stress isn't all you should feel about your work.
You are also still in school, where the subjective importance of things is exaggerated (OMG I NEED TO FINISH THIS PAPER OR IM GOING TO DIE!), whereas the same kind of minutia is treated with less reverence outside of academia.
Man.. I keep hearing how faking it is the way to go. And there's too much consensus for it not to be true. But how do you fake finding something funny? (I know, just do it. But you get what I mean, right?)
I understand your point here. Some people just don't have as wide a sense of humor as others. My roommate still finds cartoons hilarious (like Sylvester the Cat and Tweety). I never found them funny at all. You don't have to find the same things funny as other people do, because everyone has a slightly different sense of humor (mine is inclined towards dry wit or dark humor).
What you should do is at least pretend to find things amusing, for social nicety purposes.
First, you have to laugh. Just in general! I smile and laugh all the time, mostly I think it's because of my kids. You have to see life in a different point of view.
Kids are terrible at everything! They can't hold their juice boxes, they spill ***** everywhere, man, they are awful at Magic, I can beat them every single time! But see life from a kids point of view, every day they get better. I don't know why adults change.
They get big (I'm not an adult, I'm a kid now, sorry adults), and they stop learning to love to learn. We can't be perfect at anything. Once you let go, you will realize there's no camera on you. You can mess up and you can smile, and then things are easy.
And you don't have to find anything funny. Sometimes you just gotta fake it till your brain comes along for the ride.
Women definitely care about height when selecting a mate, and tall people on average make more money/are more likely to be in management positions. And Peter Dinklage is an extreme, extreme, extreme exception to the rule. I know it's not something I control but I do feel discriminated against due to my height.
But height is not the only thing they care about. Thus, it is not something you should be worried about.
It's hard for me to determine what's realistic when it comes to how hard I work. I know there are lots of people who work 60-80 hour weeks. And I know my ancestors had way harsher lives than
mine, so I don't feel like I can complain or say "I can't do it."
People back in the 19th cen. and before actually worked less than we do now. People who worked in the industries during the late 19th-early 20th cen. probably worked more than any other people in the history of the world, and everyone eventually agreed that they work too much.
I exercise about half an hour a day, and I enjoy it. But I'm also very conscious about how much weaker I am than everybody else there, and how I'll almost certainly never get to their level (because they devote more time and energy to it, time that I'm spending focusing on my career).
...
It takes an hour at the gym (an hour and a half if you include showering and all the other random things involved) to get significantly stronger and more fit.
You just made yourself sound like a whiner here mate. Either figure things out, or don't bother whining about it.
Man.. I keep hearing how faking it is the way to go. And there's too much consensus for it not to be true. But how do you fake finding something funny? (I know, just do it. But you get what I mean, right?)
You fix yourself. Just because you think that something is right, or that something is phony and vice versa, doesn't mean that you're right. You may simply have a really wrong perspective of the world.
And by this I'm not referring to finding things that aren't funny, funny (everyone has different things that make them laugh), but rather "how faking it is the way to go".
You are way over thinking this. Height may be an initial attraction, but any woman worth your time will care more about your personality than your height. My buddy who is 5'4" has had more girlfriends than another friend who is 6'4", and I'd say they're equally nerdy and about as good looking. Confidence is far more attractive, and being insecure about your height is the turn off, not your height itself.
That's why I say fake it, because projecting that confidence is the most important factor. Tall people on average make more money and are more likely to be in management positions because they are socialized into being confident about their position and are comfortable in their bodies. It's not an inherent trait in their tallness.
I'm literally the shortest male in my family, on both sides. All of my male cousins, even those 10 years younger than me, are taller than me. It might bother me, but letting it impede your success makes it a self-fulfilling prophecy.
To clarify: is confidence a belief in your ability to accomplish something, in spite of obstacles/statistics/lack of information? is it a sort of persona/pose you take on while not necessarily feeling that way?
See, this is you being unrealistic. Your ancestors worked as hard as they did so that you could have it a little bit better than they did. Don't compare your life to theirs when the context is completely different.
I guess I see it as a statement about how hard I could potentially (ideally) be working. Certainly there are people today in first world countries who work just as hard.
What you should be asking yourself is "Is this product good enough for the time I had to put into it?"
This concept is a bit alien to me (not bad, I just have trouble understanding it). I have no idea how good a paper I've spent four hours on should be. If asked to do many different four-hour-long assignments, the quality between each project would vary greatly based on familiarity, inspiration, mood, extenuating circumstances, etc.
And of course, this also creates all sorts of confusion as to what makes something "good" or "good enough." As a perfectionist my work rarely feels good. As for good enough: good enough for whom?
The only metric that makes sense to me (which admittedly is the source of the problems that brought me here) is "How hard did I work?" This is the only thing I really have any control over.
It isn't realistic to put hours of effort into something that will be read in ten minutes and forgotten a short time later. It also isn't realistic to stress yourself out about a project of relatively minor importance. Start figuring out where your comfortable work/life balance is and try to maintain it. You should stress about work some, but stress isn't all you should feel about your work. You are also still in school, where the subjective importance of things is exaggerated (OMG I NEED TO FINISH THIS PAPER OR IM GOING TO DIE!), whereas the same kind of minutia is treated with less reverence outside of academia.
It's not just about the project itself, it's about honing my craft. The project is just a means to an end.
And of course, I can't feel super confident when the economy is the way it is and I don't consider myself to have the skills necessary (yet) to become employable in my field.
I am still figuring out what sort of work/life balance I want to have. I waver between wanting to work harder and wanting to work less, which suggests that maybe my current ratio is good. But when I think about the lifestyle I aspire to, it involves a greater percentage of work than the amount I'm doing right now. Which means I need to be working harder rather than "chilling out." Which obviously makes it hard to laugh.
People back in the 19th cen. and before actually worked less than we do now. People who worked in the industries during the late 19th-early 20th cen. probably worked more than any other people in the history of the world, and everyone eventually agreed that they work too much.
How about 1000 BC? How about 50,000 BC? I'm not sure I can be convinced that we don't live in the lap of luxury, relative to our ancestors who didn't even have things like plumbing, modern medicine or an electrical grid.
...
It takes an hour at the gym (an hour and a half if you include showering and all the other random things involved) to get significantly stronger and more fit.
You just made yourself sound like a whiner here mate. Either figure things out, or don't bother whining about it.
There's a difference between being stronger and being strong.
And this forum is titled "Real Life Advice." I AM trying to figure it out.
You fix yourself. Just because you think that something is right, or that something is phony and vice versa, doesn't mean that you're right. You may simply have a really wrong perspective of the world.
And by this I'm not referring to finding things that aren't funny, funny (everyone has different things that make them laugh), but rather "how faking it is the way to go".
This is something I learned the hard way.
I guess my greatest discomfort with the "fake it till you make it" credo is that it feels dishonest and manipulative. This "emotional idea" is the thing that prevents me from attempting it.
First, you have to laugh. Just in general! I smile and laugh all the time, mostly I think it's because of my kids. You have to see life in a different point of view.
Kids are terrible at everything! They can't hold their juice boxes, they spill ***** everywhere, man, they are awful at Magic, I can beat them every single time! But see life from a kids point of view, every day they get better. I don't know why adults change.
They get big (I'm not an adult, I'm a kid now, sorry adults), and they stop learning to love to learn. We can't be perfect at anything. Once you let go, you will realize there's no camera on you. You can mess up and you can smile, and then things are easy.
I love learning, and I love improving myself, and I know I'll never be perfect.
The camera on me is the one I point at myself. Maybe that makes me an egomaniac?
..I don't know. When I only have one life it's hard for me to feel like messing up isn't a really big deal.
I used to think there was a camera pointed at me all the time (expectations to over achieve). I still feel that way sometimes, but I SMILE for the camera now!
And as far as faking it, if you are in a grumpy mood. Put on a smile. I dare you not to feel even a little better. Do you know Osho? (And other quacks I'm sure...) but there's something in just laughing like an idiot, BECAUSE!! I used to envy people that could just bust out dancing and not care. Guess what?! Sometimes you just have to throw down.
That camera that's pointed at you... guess what? NO one is watching the other end. That feed is going straight back to you! It can never, ever help you. Sorry to be blunt, but it's 100% fact. No one gives a *****, so it's ok to mess up or whatever because everyone else does too. It's irrelevant if they are trying their hardest to hide it (especially men, damn we have to be work so hard to pretend we're stoic? FORGET THAT!)
How about 1000 BC? How about 50,000 BC? I'm not sure I can be convinced that we don't live in the lap of luxury, relative to our ancestors who didn't even have things like plumbing, modern medicine or an electrical grid.
We cannot choose what time period we're born in. As such, thinking that we're spoiled/anything to the effect for having luxuries that the previous generation had is... a silly reasoning at best.
Of course we live in far better conditions than our ancestors. We have an abundance of food, artificial lights, refrigeration, and so on and so forth.
That doesn't mean that you need to feel like you're not trying as hard as the older generation did.
It is known that the older generation rarely worked more than 5-6 hours a day. They couldn't work anymore; either it's winter and the sun sets too quick, or its summer and its too hot to be working in the fields during midday, and such.
Craftsmen chose the time that they worked, and so they cycled between times of extreme activity and times of doing virtually nothing.
In short, stop trying to compare yourself to older generations. It's both mentally unhealthy, and merely you inflicting point psychological pain on yourself.
There's a difference between being stronger and being strong.
And this forum is titled "Real Life Advice." I AM trying to figure it out.
Um.
But I'm also very conscious about how much weaker I am than everybody else there, and how I'll almost certainly never get to their level (because they devote more time and energy to it, time that I'm spending focusing on my career).
1) Yes. There is a difference between getting strong and being strong. However, you can only become strong by getting stronger, correct?You're saying you're consciously affected by the fact that you're weaker than most people at the gym. The only way to fix that is to get stronger, and eventually reach the point where you're strong.
Hence the reason I said you sound like a whiner. You identify a problem, but instead of approaching it with the attitude of "I have a problem, and I will fix it" you say "I have a problem, but one that cannot be fixed because I'm weak and everyone works out more than me anyhow"
That's why I mentioned how long a general strength session can take. It doesn't take anymore than 40min-1hr of 3-4 lifts. Time spent at the gym is not an issue. Knowledge and consistency is.
Here's an example. I was a fat, weak kid growing up. I could barely do 10 push-ups and couldn't do a chin-up up until I was 22ish. One day I got tired of that, and decided to learn how to do a chin-up. It took me 2-3 weeks (I forget). Then later I got an actual membership to a gym. The first time I tried to bench, I couldn't bench 55lb. I couldn't squat anymore than 100lb. You get the point.
And now I'm squatting 230lb for multiple reps, deadlifting 340lb for multiple reps, doing 10+ chin-ups with ease, and vice versa. None of them are good numbers, but at least I'm stronger than I was a year ago. And I intend to continue getting stronger.
Life is almost entirely about identifying problems, whatever they may be, and struggling to fix them. You do not fix problems by making excuses.
I guess my greatest discomfort with the "fake it till you make it" credo is that it feels dishonest and manipulative. This "emotional idea" is the thing that prevents me from attempting it.
Believe me when I say that I know what you mean. I've felt the same way. I am a naturally shy person who do not like making small talk with people, I feel that it's boring and pointless; I'd much rather get to the point. I didn't enjoy making connections with people for my betterment, because I felt it was dishonest and manipulative. And a whole bunch of other things.
I felt that this is who I am, and I don't want to "fix" that. Why should I "fix" myself? I am who I am, and that's that.
But over conversations with many people over time and conversations with myself (this is valuable, btw), I've realized that this is a really flawed mentality, for a number of reasons.
1) Who you are changes over time. A couple of years ago I enjoyed reading fiction novels. Now I cannot stand them. They generally feel hackneyed and boring. Why did this change happen? It certainly wasn't a conscious change, I just one day felt "wow, this is boring" and then realized that I no longer enjoyed reading fiction.
Conversely, a couple of years ago I hated math and thought I sucked at them. Now I enjoy math. Again, this certainly wasn't a conscious change, it's just something I realized after a while.
2) Life experiences change you, dramatically. Another personal example- I've spent the last year studying for the LSAT. I didn't do as well as I hoped. This singular experience taught me that one really doesn't get what they want in life, and that we have to make choices that we wouldn't have made in the past. Plus, it made me much more humbler about my personal abilities and self. I am currently in a field that I didn't imagine I'd ever be in, but my experience in the past year was more than enough to convince me that this is the best option. Plus, it taught me to greatly appreciate what I have in life, and don't go wasting things like I've done for a very long time.
3) Who you are as a person could very well be very flawed to begin with.
Let me present an "extreme" example. Suppose you have an individual who is incredibly racist towards black people. He feels that this is who he is, and he doesn't want to change it, much like you and me.
Would you let him stay the way he is, because that's who he is?
The concept that we don't have to change ourselves to fit society simply doesn't work. It assumes that we're perfectly fine as we are, and that our sense of self is immutable. Both couldn't be further from the truth.
To clarify: is confidence a belief in your ability to accomplish something, in spite of obstacles/statistics/lack of information? is it a sort of persona/pose you take on while not necessarily feeling that way?
Confidence is the feeling that you are capable of accomplishing your goals. Arrogance is assuming you will accomplish those goals.
Why I tell you to fake confidence is because confidence is a in a large part supported by external validation. People saying you did a good job, people trusting you to accomplish your part of something, etc. It's a reciprocal process, where people believe in you because you are confident and you are confident because others believe in you (and also that you believe in yourself). If you want in on that confidence cycle, often all you need to do is start faking that initial confidence, and you'll find people react to you differently, and you'll start feeling that confidence yourself.
Confidence isn't, however, a constant feeling. You'll doubt yourself and your capabilities, so don't be discouraged.
I guess I see it as a statement about how hard I could potentially (ideally) be working. Certainly there are people today in first world countries who work just as hard.
It really doesn't matter how hard other people are working. Are you a farmer? Do you mine coal? Are you uneducated working three part-time jobs to support your family?
Being able to work harder is largely irrelevant, because as I've already discussed there is always someone working harder than you. Gauge your work on your peers, not on a nebulous concept of your ancestor's life difficulty or the work ethic of 'other people'.
This concept is a bit alien to me (not bad, I just have trouble understanding it). I have no idea how good a paper I've spent four hours on should be. If asked to do many different four-hour-long assignments, the quality between each project would vary greatly based on familiarity, inspiration, mood, extenuating circumstances, etc.
The only metric that makes sense to me (which admittedly is the source of the problems that brought me here) is "How hard did I work?" This is the only thing I really have any control over.
Working harder isn't always working better. This is a hard concept for perfectionists to understand, but it can actually be counterproductive to your overall stress levels and the quality of your other assignments for you to focus too much on a paper that is worth very little of your grade.
And the quality of your work overall suffers when you reach certain stress levels, which is why it's important to learn to accept something as 'good enough'.
And of course, this also creates all sorts of confusion as to what makes something "good" or "good enough." As a perfectionist my work rarely feels good. As for good enough: good enough for whom?
Good enough to accomplish the task at hand. I work in emergency management, and perfectionists are actually the worst kind of planners. They do a bad job because they want to do such a good job they lose focus and perspective. They write a 20-page plan when a one page bulleted list would do, especially given the context of people with very little time to spend reading the finer points of a subject and just need to know what to do.
It's not just about the project itself, it's about honing my craft. The project is just a means to an end.
And of course, I can't feel super confident when the economy is the way it is and I don't consider myself to have the skills necessary (yet) to become employable in my field.
What is your field? It's hard to comment on this without context.
College almost never teaches you the skills you need to succeed in a professional career, it just gives you the minimum background necessary (and sometimes not even that). Professors seem like experts when you're young, in college and inexperienced, but with a few exceptions (namely scientists) they tend to be in academics because they couldn't hack it outside. Keep that in perspective before you stress out.
Which means I need to be working harder rather than "chilling out." Which obviously makes it hard to laugh.
I think this is your biggest problem here. You'll accomplish nothing long-term if you burn yourself out or don't enjoy yourself, too. After all, what are you working for? What are your life goals?
For instance, I'm working so that I can help support my family and also because my skills help a lot of people. But I'm never going to enjoy either of those things if I burn myself out or I'm miserable, because all those relationships will suffer. Figure out your priorities (pro-tip: No one ever regrets not working harder on their death bed) and learn to pace yourself.
The biggest surprise for me upon entering the workforce is how much a joke it is. In college I never felt like anything I was doing was all that great, and like I half-assed a lot of things.
Well, the reality is that in the actual workforce, most people are going to be churning out work like your C- classmates, and someone with a 4.0 is going to be working right next to someone with a 2.0, and they'll frequently be your boss, too. The world isn't a true meritocracy, spend time learning how to socialize more with other people and you'll be far more successful than you would if you had just focused on school work.
My only advice is to really look at your life and adjust your standards to meet reality. When you are well off physically, mentally, and/or financially then high standards keep you from growing complacent but when you're doing less well then you can dial down the standards to a level that matches your situation. Example, if you're feeling ways about your body a reasonable goal is "I will lose my gut and strengthen my legs over the next 12 months." and an unreasonable goal is "I'm gonna get totally ripped in 3 months!". You know that there are some standards that you hold yourself to that are patently ridiculous and its up to you to recognize when they come up and ignore them!
I used to think there was a camera pointed at me all the time (expectations to over achieve). I still feel that way sometimes, but I SMILE for the camera now!
I like that
And as far as faking it, if you are in a grumpy mood. Put on a smile. I dare you not to feel even a little better. Do you know Osho? (And other quacks I'm sure...) but there's something in just laughing like an idiot, BECAUSE!! I used to envy people that could just bust out dancing and not care. Guess what?! Sometimes you just have to throw down.
I'm starting to intentionally smile whenever I have an idle moment (waiting in line, in traffic, etc.). Last night I went to a karaoke bar and sang a few songs, which took some courage on my part. Definitely don't want to end up an old grouch
That camera that's pointed at you... guess what? NO one is watching the other end. That feed is going straight back to you! It can never, ever help you. Sorry to be blunt, but it's 100% fact. No one gives a *****, so it's ok to mess up or whatever because everyone else does too. It's irrelevant if they are trying their hardest to hide it (especially men, damn we have to be work so hard to pretend we're stoic? FORGET THAT!)
It's not just about other people, though. I mean, that's a large part of it, but I also want to achieve great and virtuous things. And that means that the actions I take (or the intentions I have) can be considered "good" or "bad."
We cannot choose what time period we're born in. As such, thinking that we're spoiled/anything to the effect for having luxuries that the previous generation had is... a silly reasoning at best.
Of course we live in far better conditions than our ancestors. We have an abundance of food, artificial lights, refrigeration, and so on and so forth.
That doesn't mean that you need to feel like you're not trying as hard as the older generation did.
It is known that the older generation rarely worked more than 5-6 hours a day. They couldn't work anymore; either it's winter and the sun sets too quick, or its summer and its too hot to be working in the fields during midday, and such.
Craftsmen chose the time that they worked, and so they cycled between times of extreme activity and times of doing virtually nothing.
In short, stop trying to compare yourself to older generations. It's both mentally unhealthy, and merely you inflicting point psychological pain on yourself.
I think it has benefits as well; it teaches gratitude, humility, and belief in the power of the human spirit. I do agree that it's a pretty ridiculous comparison to make.
1) Yes. There is a difference between getting strong and being strong. However, you can only become strong by getting stronger, correct?You're saying you're consciously affected by the fact that you're weaker than most people at the gym. The only way to fix that is to get stronger, and eventually reach the point where you're strong.
Hence the reason I said you sound like a whiner. You identify a problem, but instead of approaching it with the attitude of "I have a problem, and I will fix it" you say "I have a problem, but one that cannot be fixed because I'm weak and everyone works out more than me anyhow"
That's why I mentioned how long a general strength session can take. It doesn't take anymore than 40min-1hr of 3-4 lifts. Time spent at the gym is not an issue. Knowledge and consistency is.
Here's an example. I was a fat, weak kid growing up. I could barely do 10 push-ups and couldn't do a chin-up up until I was 22ish. One day I got tired of that, and decided to learn how to do a chin-up. It took me 2-3 weeks (I forget). Then later I got an actual membership to a gym. The first time I tried to bench, I couldn't bench 55lb. I couldn't squat anymore than 100lb. You get the point.
And now I'm squatting 230lb for multiple reps, deadlifting 340lb for multiple reps, doing 10+ chin-ups with ease, and vice versa. None of them are good numbers, but at least I'm stronger than I was a year ago. And I intend to continue getting stronger.
Life is almost entirely about identifying problems, whatever they may be, and struggling to fix them. You do not fix problems by making excuses.
It's not so much that it's difficult as that it requires more time and energy than I'm willing to commit right now. I have lots of goals that need my attention, and I'm aware that I'm neglecting my "be strong" goal but I don't know how to make room for it in my life right now. So I watch it start to slip away and despair.
Believe me when I say that I know what you mean. I've felt the same way. I am a naturally shy person who do not like making small talk with people, I feel that it's boring and pointless; I'd much rather get to the point. I didn't enjoy making connections with people for my betterment, because I felt it was dishonest and manipulative. And a whole bunch of other things.
I felt that this is who I am, and I don't want to "fix" that. Why should I "fix" myself? I am who I am, and that's that.
But over conversations with many people over time and conversations with myself (this is valuable, btw), I've realized that this is a really flawed mentality, for a number of reasons.
1) Who you are changes over time. A couple of years ago I enjoyed reading fiction novels. Now I cannot stand them. They generally feel hackneyed and boring. Why did this change happen? It certainly wasn't a conscious change, I just one day felt "wow, this is boring" and then realized that I no longer enjoyed reading fiction.
Conversely, a couple of years ago I hated math and thought I sucked at them. Now I enjoy math. Again, this certainly wasn't a conscious change, it's just something I realized after a while.
2) Life experiences change you, dramatically. Another personal example- I've spent the last year studying for the LSAT. I didn't do as well as I hoped. This singular experience taught me that one really doesn't get what they want in life, and that we have to make choices that we wouldn't have made in the past. Plus, it made me much more humbler about my personal abilities and self. I am currently in a field that I didn't imagine I'd ever be in, but my experience in the past year was more than enough to convince me that this is the best option. Plus, it taught me to greatly appreciate what I have in life, and don't go wasting things like I've done for a very long time.
3) Who you are as a person could very well be very flawed to begin with.
Let me present an "extreme" example. Suppose you have an individual who is incredibly racist towards black people. He feels that this is who he is, and he doesn't want to change it, much like you and me.
Would you let him stay the way he is, because that's who he is?
The concept that we don't have to change ourselves to fit society simply doesn't work. It assumes that we're perfectly fine as we are, and that our sense of self is immutable. Both couldn't be further from the truth.
In that case, maybe I shouldn't be laughing at myself, because maybe I have serious problems/deficiencies that I should be working to fix? Because that's certainly the perspective I have right now.
Confidence is the feeling that you are capable of accomplishing your goals. Arrogance is assuming you will accomplish those goals.
Why I tell you to fake confidence is because confidence is a in a large part supported by external validation. People saying you did a good job, people trusting you to accomplish your part of something, etc. It's a reciprocal process, where people believe in you because you are confident and you are confident because others believe in you (and also that you believe in yourself). If you want in on that confidence cycle, often all you need to do is start faking that initial confidence, and you'll find people react to you differently, and you'll start feeling that confidence yourself.
Confidence isn't, however, a constant feeling. You'll doubt yourself and your capabilities, so don't be discouraged.
Some more information:
1) People telling me I did a good job doesn't seem to boost my confidence very much, because my work is rarely up to my own standards and I'm unsure as to whether they really think it's good or they're just being nice.
2) When it comes to my personal goals, I've never succeeded and therefore never experienced the external validation that would really be meaningful to me.
Still, the clarification was helpful. Thank you.
It really doesn't matter how hard other people are working. Are you a farmer? Do you mine coal? Are you uneducated working three part-time jobs to support your family?
Being able to work harder is largely irrelevant, because as I've already discussed there is always someone working harder than you. Gauge your work on your peers, not on a nebulous concept of your ancestor's life difficulty or the work ethic of 'other people'.
My peers work pretty hard, and the harder they work the more I admire and respect them.
Working harder isn't always working better. This is a hard concept for perfectionists to understand, but it can actually be counterproductive to your overall stress levels and the quality of your other assignments for you to focus too much on a paper that is worth very little of your grade.
And the quality of your work overall suffers when you reach certain stress levels, which is why it's important to learn to accept something as 'good enough'.
I certainly understand burnout (having gone through it a few times) and I'm not foolish enough to damage my long-term GPA/health for the sake of getting an A on a single assignment. That would be highly suboptimal
Good enough to accomplish the task at hand. I work in emergency management, and perfectionists are actually the worst kind of planners. They do a bad job because they want to do such a good job they lose focus and perspective. They write a 20-page plan when a one page bulleted list would do, especially given the context of people with very little time to spend reading the finer points of a subject and just need to know what to do.
College almost never teaches you the skills you need to succeed in a professional career, it just gives you the minimum background necessary (and sometimes not even that). Professors seem like experts when you're young, in college and inexperienced, but with a few exceptions (namely scientists) they tend to be in academics because they couldn't hack it outside. Keep that in perspective before you stress out.
What is your field? It's hard to comment on this without context.
I'm a digital artist. My work is equivalent to my portfolio, which is equivalent to my resume. That means there's close to a 1:1 ratio on "how hard I work" vs "how employable I am."
In addition to that, my hobby/dream job is game design which I work on when I'm not too busy. Becoming employable as a game designer is like becoming employable as a movie director in terms of the amount of talent/effort required. Since I'm not devoting 100% of my time to it, I feel constant pressure not to "fall behind" other people who would be competing for the same job.
I think this is your biggest problem here. You'll accomplish nothing long-term if you burn yourself out or don't enjoy yourself, too. After all, what are you working for? What are your life goals?
For instance, I'm working so that I can help support my family and also because my skills help a lot of people. But I'm never going to enjoy either of those things if I burn myself out or I'm miserable, because all those relationships will suffer. Figure out your priorities (pro-tip: No one ever regrets not working harder on their death bed) and learn to pace yourself.
I want to contribute to games as a medium and I want to help people in third-world countries. I also want to be happy(er, I'd say I'm about a 6/10 right now). These goals aren't mutually exclusive, but they do strain upon each other.
Ideally I get a job when I graduate and spend a few years in graphics/advertising, and then transition into game design. I then spend the rest of my life designing games, donating money to charities and having awesome life experiences.
I think this is possible, but it involves burning the midnight oil for the next several years. It also possibly involves not attempting any other majorly taxing self-improvement regimens such as social skills and/or weight lifting.
I could try a more balanced approach, I'm not sure if that would be better.
The biggest surprise for me upon entering the workforce is how much a joke it is. In college I never felt like anything I was doing was all that great, and like I half-assed a lot of things.
Well, the reality is that in the actual workforce, most people are going to be churning out work like your C- classmates, and someone with a 4.0 is going to be working right next to someone with a 2.0, and they'll frequently be your boss, too. The world isn't a true meritocracy, spend time learning how to socialize more with other people and you'll be far more successful than you would if you had just focused on school work.
Yeah, networking is crucial. I guess the social skills are definitely a part of my 5 year plan.
My only advice is to really look at your life and adjust your standards to meet reality. When you are well off physically, mentally, and/or financially then high standards keep you from growing complacent but when you're doing less well then you can dial down the standards to a level that matches your situation. Example, if you're feeling ways about your body a reasonable goal is "I will lose my gut and strengthen my legs over the next 12 months." and an unreasonable goal is "I'm gonna get totally ripped in 3 months!". You know that there are some standards that you hold yourself to that are patently ridiculous and its up to you to recognize when they come up and ignore them!
I'm actually not sure what is and isn't patently ridiculous when it comes to standards. I know people who seem superhuman in what they're able to accomplish, and if we look at history or professional athletes you can see examples of people doing things that defy credulity.
I try not to hold standards as to what I'm going to accomplish, but I feel that holding standards as to how hard I should work makes sense.
I should mention that ethics is a big source of why I feel compelled to work. I have an unusually strong sense of liberal guilt, but I don't think of it as irrational. On top of that, I genuinely want to be a person who does a lot of good.
you are getting a lot of advice and that is great. here is the route I took. Just Be. for me as I followed this line I found that I am like everyone else. And other people are super funny. and well I'm quite funny, in an everyday life style. laughing is a way of exceptence done in the right way (not being offensive but an understanding type way) I know who I am and I disapoint everyday; and yet no one is really disapointed if that makes sense. Expectations are a large part of life and living. It is part of why people are treated differently in the same situations. Do not force life "Just be".
It's not so much that it's difficult as that it requires more time and energy than I'm willing to commit right now. I have lots of goals that need my attention, and I'm aware that I'm neglecting my "be strong" goal but I don't know how to make room for it in my life right now. So I watch it start to slip away and despair.
You wrote that you go to the gym 30 minute everyday. Are you really that swamped that you cannot add an extra 30 minutes and then spend some time learning how to weight-lift properly?
Unless you're working 12+ hour days, I'm hesitant to believe that you really are that squeezed for time.
In that case, maybe I shouldn't be laughing at myself, because maybe I have serious problems/deficiencies that I should be working to fix? Because that's certainly the perspective I have right now.
Or perhaps that serious problem can only be fixed by laughing at yourself and being more laid-back and not as goal-driven.
I'm come to realize that it's not the amount of time you spend at something, but rather the effort you give to something. You could very well be studying for 8-9 hours a day, but if you're not studying properly/with the proper dedication and focus/vice versa, then the time is wasted.
And, yet, if you give proper effort, then you can probably halve that time and be doing more actual work.
Or perhaps you really are giving proper effort and focus to the things you're doing, and you really just have that much on your plate. However, seeing others and myself complain about how much work they have to do when in fact they devote little actual effort, I am again doubtful.
I don't have any reason thus far to believe that you're above-average, after all.
In any case, I simply wanted to make the point that the concept of "I am fine as I am, and I don't need to change to fit the expectations of others" and thoughts related to this, are flawed.
You wrote that you go to the gym 30 minute everyday. Are you really that swamped that you cannot add an extra 30 minutes and then spend some time learning how to weight-lift properly?
Unless you're working 12+ hour days, I'm hesitant to believe that you really are that squeezed for time.
It's not the time, it's the energy. I can run for half and hour and still do stuff just fine. When I lift I feel mentally exhausted for the rest of the day and part of the next day as well.
Or perhaps that serious problem can only be fixed by laughing at yourself and being more laid-back and not as goal-driven.
I'm come to realize that it's not the amount of time you spend at something, but rather the effort you give to something. You could very well be studying for 8-9 hours a day, but if you're not studying properly/with the proper dedication and focus/vice versa, then the time is wasted.
And, yet, if you give proper effort, then you can probably halve that time and be doing more actual work.
Or perhaps you really are giving proper effort and focus to the things you're doing, and you really just have that much on your plate. However, seeing others and myself complain about how much work they have to do when in fact they devote little actual effort, I am again doubtful.
I don't have any reason thus far to believe that you're above-average, after all.
Well, I can do little to assuage those doubts. For the point of this thread, let's assume I'm being sincere and proceed from there. After all, if you don't believe I'm going to benefit from this advice then there isn't much point in responding in the first place.
In any case, I simply wanted to make the point that the concept of "I am fine as I am, and I don't need to change to fit the expectations of others" and thoughts related to this, are flawed.
What you do with that is up to you.
I don't think I wrote anything that suggested I thought that way; at least, I didn't intend to. Can you point to the post where I might have communicated that message?
you are getting a lot of advice and that is great. here is the route I took. Just Be. for me as I followed this line I found that I am like everyone else. And other people are super funny. and well I'm quite funny, in an everyday life style. laughing is a way of exceptence done in the right way (not being offensive but an understanding type way) I know who I am and I disapoint everyday; and yet no one is really disapointed if that makes sense. Expectations are a large part of life and living. It is part of why people are treated differently in the same situations. Do not force life "Just be".
1. You describe yourself as a "perfectionist" and you're never satisfied with the quality of your work. What you're really doing is setting unattainable goals and then getting frustrated when you don't achieve them. Perfection is impossible, even for the most talented, hard working people in the history of the world. If you want to get frustrated at your imperfections, get frustrated at this: you're setting bad goals.
2. No one cares how hard you work, they care what you achieve. Your professor doesn't grade you on how many hours you put into the paper. Set attainable goals (e.g "I want to get stronger") and sub-goals (e.g. "I will spend X minutes at the gym today") and then work only as hard as you need to to achieve them. If your goal is to get an A on a paper and you can do that in four hours, don't work five hours (unless doing so will help you achieve some other goal). If you aren't sure what's expected on the paper, talk to the professor, look at feedback from previous papers, etc, until you figure out what you need to do to get your desired grade. Then do it.
3. You will fail repeatedly in your life, in big and small ways. All the greatest acheivers failed constantly (the example everyone gives is Thomas Edison, took him hundreds or thousands of tries to get a functional lightbulb). That's how they learned to succeed. If you never fail, it's because you're not trying hard enough or taking enough risks. Embrace failure and learn to get better from it.
4. You're never truly competing against other people because you can't influence their outcomes. You can only influence your own outcomes. Focus on your own goals; there will always be people better or worse at something than you and that's totally beyond your control.
5. When it comes to confidence issues: fake it, as others have said. This is not dishonest. It's not dishonest to cut your hair, wear clothes, and shower. Sure, that's not how you naturally look and smell, but you're putting forward an image of yourself that you want others to see. Confidence is the same. You're putting forward an image of yourself that is self-assured, happy, and excited to achieve things. This is what I think people really mean when they say "be yourself." They mean "let the best self, the self you aspire to be every day, shine through."
Does anybody have any advice? Thank you in advance!
4th place at CCC&G Pro Tour
Chances of bad hands (<2 or >4 land):
21: 28.9%
22: 27.5%
23: 26.3%
24: 25.5%
25: 25.1%
26: 25.3%
It might help if you elaborate more on what you mean by taking yourself too seriously. How old are you, as that can change your outlook (Teen/College Student/Working Adult)? Do you respond poorly to friendly teasing? Are you self-conscious about certain things? Would you say you have good self-esteem? Are you in a social group that jokes about themselves a lot?
More importantly, if a good friend were to tease you (in a friendly way), how does that make you feel? A family member? A work friend? Do you feel people frequently go over the line?
Are you feeling generally down right now and possibly overreact to what you recognize as good natured teasing?
There are a lot of ways to take yourself too seriously, so if you narrow it down we may work from there.
TerribleBad at Magic since 1998.A Vorthos Guide to Magic Story | Twitter | Tumblr
[Primer] Krenko | Azor | Kess | Zacama | Kumena | Sram | The Ur-Dragon | Edgar Markov | Daretti | Marath
I think the best thing to do when you are embarrassed or get mad or hurt or whatever is to immediately smile. The physical act of smiling helps you feel better, trust me.
Good luck!
Do you mean like "laugh at yourself" when you make a silly error and acknowledge it without having any bad feelings?
Or "laugh at yourself" when others poke you in a light manner and you take offense at that?
I'm 26.
I'm self conscious about being short, unemployed (I'm a student), lazy (I'd say I work harder than the average person but I still don't feel like I try hard enough), physically weak, ignorant about lots of things (though I know I'm no more ignorant than anybody else), ethically hypocritical, and bad with women.
I'd say I have pretty (but not extremely) low self esteem. I have perfectionistic tendencies and minor failures and/or rejections can really upset me.
I generally don't respond poorly to being teased, but then again, people rarely tease me. Me and one of my close friends tease each other a lot, but apart from that me and my friends rarely joke about ourselves or each other.
The reason I made this post is because when I fail to achieve even minor goals I tend to get down on myself. And I feel like that's not a healthy way to live, and that I should be able to look in the mirror and laugh rather than sigh or get frustrated.
4th place at CCC&G Pro Tour
Chances of bad hands (<2 or >4 land):
21: 28.9%
22: 27.5%
23: 26.3%
24: 25.5%
25: 25.1%
26: 25.3%
I think the issue in question here is to recognize that failing at something isn't the same as failing as a person. Every fails. If you allow yourself to look hard enough, you'll always find how someone else is better than you in some way. But more important, you're better than everyone else in some way. You'll never be the best, but remember it's pretty lonely being the best and often involves so much dedication those people never have a life. So anyway, let's tackle this one at a time. None of the 'faults' you list are anything I don't recognize in myself, but I don't beat myself up about them anymore.
Your height isn't something you can control. You're probably the only person who actually cares, because outside of high school no one really cares how tall you are (the exception being dwarfism, which I would assume you'd mention). But if you think being short is bad, the coolest guy out there in pop culture is Peter Dinklage.
If you're 'bad with women', it's probably only from a lack of experience. I highly recommend Dr. Nerdlove's blog, he says pretty much the same thing I would say on any romantic stuff for nerds, and a lot of other psychological or social issues you might have.
For your perfectionist tendencies, just stop and take a minute and evaluate whether or not you're being realistic. I can be hugely obsessive and the only way to snap myself out of it is to stop and think. I say to myself 'is this really important?', and if it isn't I force myself to stop, or remove myself from whatever it was until I'm level.
If you don't like how you're physically weak, god to the gym or start exercising through martial arts classes or sports. I know it's the same line you always get, but it's true because it works. Once I got into the groove of going the gym, even just for 30 minutes to do cardio, I felt a whole lot better about myself. Exercising does that, it's a natural anti-depressant. It can just take a while to get into the groove - months even - before you can go without trying to talk yourself out of it.
Other than that, the only other recommendation I can make to you is to fake it. I have found through my entire life that 'faking it' works better than anything else to get me where I want to be. When I didn't want to be a shy, insecure nerd, I started faking confidence I didn't really feel. I treated it like a game, and would 'act' the way I wanted to be, and eventually it just became who I am. If you want to laugh at yourself in the mirror, force yourself to smile and pretend in the mirror first. Tell yourself the things you know you should feel but don't. Eventually it won't be an act anymore.
If none of that helps, you may want talk to a therapist. It's easy to fall into a funk while you're in school, so if you cant manage your way out of it now you can at least talk to someone about it.
TerribleBad at Magic since 1998.A Vorthos Guide to Magic Story | Twitter | Tumblr
[Primer] Krenko | Azor | Kess | Zacama | Kumena | Sram | The Ur-Dragon | Edgar Markov | Daretti | Marath
Koreans literally choose their mates depending on height.
If you're a really short woman, like my cousin, then you're going to have a hard time marrying. She has a well-playing job and came out of the Korean-equivalent to Yale. But she also happens to be like 5ft 0inches. Too short. Men have no interest.
Same is true with men. Short Korean men are in a bad place. If you're shorter than 5ft 7, you're probably screwed!
Koreans are messed up.
Women definitely care about height when selecting a mate, and tall people on average make more money/are more likely to be in management positions. And Peter Dinklage is an extreme, extreme, extreme exception to the rule. I know it's not something I control but I do feel discriminated against due to my height.
It's hard for me to determine what's realistic when it comes to how hard I work. I know there are lots of people who work 60-80 hour weeks. And I know my ancestors had way harsher lives than
mine, so I don't feel like I can complain or say "I can't do it."
I exercise about half an hour a day, and I enjoy it. But I'm also very conscious about how much weaker I am than everybody else there, and how I'll almost certainly never get to their level (because they devote more time and energy to it, time that I'm spending focusing on my career).
Man.. I keep hearing how faking it is the way to go. And there's too much consensus for it not to be true. But how do you fake finding something funny? (I know, just do it. But you get what I mean, right?)
Well, I guess I'll try it. Thanks again.
4th place at CCC&G Pro Tour
Chances of bad hands (<2 or >4 land):
21: 28.9%
22: 27.5%
23: 26.3%
24: 25.5%
25: 25.1%
26: 25.3%
Being made fun of alot, I found it best to beat them to the punch. Just roll with it and never take anything too seriously.
One thing I recommend to do, if you feel lazy and weak, is to try weight lifting. I was pretty weak before but now I can squat 225 lbs and bench press my body weight(175 lbs). The increase in testosterone from the lifting will give you confidence too
You are way over thinking this. Height may be an initial attraction, but any woman worth your time will care more about your personality than your height. My buddy who is 5'4" has had more girlfriends than another friend who is 6'4", and I'd say they're equally nerdy and about as good looking. Confidence is far more attractive, and being insecure about your height is the turn off, not your height itself.
That's why I say fake it, because projecting that confidence is the most important factor. Tall people on average make more money and are more likely to be in management positions because they are socialized into being confident about their position and are comfortable in their bodies. It's not an inherent trait in their tallness.
I'm literally the shortest male in my family, on both sides. All of my male cousins, even those 10 years younger than me, are taller than me. It might bother me, but letting it impede your success makes it a self-fulfilling prophecy.
See, this is you being unrealistic. Your ancestors worked as hard as they did so that you could have it a little bit better than they did. Don't compare your life to theirs when the context is completely different.
What you should be asking yourself is "Is this product good enough for the time I had to put into it?"
It isn't realistic to put hours of effort into something that will be read in ten minutes and forgotten a short time later. It also isn't realistic to stress yourself out about a project of relatively minor importance. Start figuring out where your comfortable work/life balance is and try to maintain it. You should stress about work some, but stress isn't all you should feel about your work.
You are also still in school, where the subjective importance of things is exaggerated (OMG I NEED TO FINISH THIS PAPER OR IM GOING TO DIE!), whereas the same kind of minutia is treated with less reverence outside of academia.
I understand your point here. Some people just don't have as wide a sense of humor as others. My roommate still finds cartoons hilarious (like Sylvester the Cat and Tweety). I never found them funny at all. You don't have to find the same things funny as other people do, because everyone has a slightly different sense of humor (mine is inclined towards dry wit or dark humor).
What you should do is at least pretend to find things amusing, for social nicety purposes.
TerribleBad at Magic since 1998.A Vorthos Guide to Magic Story | Twitter | Tumblr
[Primer] Krenko | Azor | Kess | Zacama | Kumena | Sram | The Ur-Dragon | Edgar Markov | Daretti | Marath
Kids are terrible at everything! They can't hold their juice boxes, they spill ***** everywhere, man, they are awful at Magic, I can beat them every single time! But see life from a kids point of view, every day they get better. I don't know why adults change.
They get big (I'm not an adult, I'm a kid now, sorry adults), and they stop learning to love to learn. We can't be perfect at anything. Once you let go, you will realize there's no camera on you. You can mess up and you can smile, and then things are easy.
And you don't have to find anything funny. Sometimes you just gotta fake it till your brain comes along for the ride.
But height is not the only thing they care about. Thus, it is not something you should be worried about.
People back in the 19th cen. and before actually worked less than we do now. People who worked in the industries during the late 19th-early 20th cen. probably worked more than any other people in the history of the world, and everyone eventually agreed that they work too much.
...
It takes an hour at the gym (an hour and a half if you include showering and all the other random things involved) to get significantly stronger and more fit.
You just made yourself sound like a whiner here mate. Either figure things out, or don't bother whining about it.
You fix yourself. Just because you think that something is right, or that something is phony and vice versa, doesn't mean that you're right. You may simply have a really wrong perspective of the world.
And by this I'm not referring to finding things that aren't funny, funny (everyone has different things that make them laugh), but rather "how faking it is the way to go".
This is something I learned the hard way.
I guess I see it as a statement about how hard I could potentially (ideally) be working. Certainly there are people today in first world countries who work just as hard.
This concept is a bit alien to me (not bad, I just have trouble understanding it). I have no idea how good a paper I've spent four hours on should be. If asked to do many different four-hour-long assignments, the quality between each project would vary greatly based on familiarity, inspiration, mood, extenuating circumstances, etc.
And of course, this also creates all sorts of confusion as to what makes something "good" or "good enough." As a perfectionist my work rarely feels good. As for good enough: good enough for whom?
The only metric that makes sense to me (which admittedly is the source of the problems that brought me here) is "How hard did I work?" This is the only thing I really have any control over.
It's not just about the project itself, it's about honing my craft. The project is just a means to an end.
And of course, I can't feel super confident when the economy is the way it is and I don't consider myself to have the skills necessary (yet) to become employable in my field.
I am still figuring out what sort of work/life balance I want to have. I waver between wanting to work harder and wanting to work less, which suggests that maybe my current ratio is good. But when I think about the lifestyle I aspire to, it involves a greater percentage of work than the amount I'm doing right now. Which means I need to be working harder rather than "chilling out." Which obviously makes it hard to laugh.
Worry isn't the right word, but I know what you mean. The statistics I've read are pretty depressing though
How about 1000 BC? How about 50,000 BC? I'm not sure I can be convinced that we don't live in the lap of luxury, relative to our ancestors who didn't even have things like plumbing, modern medicine or an electrical grid.
There's a difference between being stronger and being strong.
And this forum is titled "Real Life Advice." I AM trying to figure it out.
I guess my greatest discomfort with the "fake it till you make it" credo is that it feels dishonest and manipulative. This "emotional idea" is the thing that prevents me from attempting it.
I love learning, and I love improving myself, and I know I'll never be perfect.
The camera on me is the one I point at myself. Maybe that makes me an egomaniac?
..I don't know. When I only have one life it's hard for me to feel like messing up isn't a really big deal.
Thanks again for the replies
4th place at CCC&G Pro Tour
Chances of bad hands (<2 or >4 land):
21: 28.9%
22: 27.5%
23: 26.3%
24: 25.5%
25: 25.1%
26: 25.3%
And as far as faking it, if you are in a grumpy mood. Put on a smile. I dare you not to feel even a little better. Do you know Osho? (And other quacks I'm sure...) but there's something in just laughing like an idiot, BECAUSE!! I used to envy people that could just bust out dancing and not care. Guess what?! Sometimes you just have to throw down.
That camera that's pointed at you... guess what? NO one is watching the other end. That feed is going straight back to you! It can never, ever help you. Sorry to be blunt, but it's 100% fact. No one gives a *****, so it's ok to mess up or whatever because everyone else does too. It's irrelevant if they are trying their hardest to hide it (especially men, damn we have to be work so hard to pretend we're stoic? FORGET THAT!)
We cannot choose what time period we're born in. As such, thinking that we're spoiled/anything to the effect for having luxuries that the previous generation had is... a silly reasoning at best.
Of course we live in far better conditions than our ancestors. We have an abundance of food, artificial lights, refrigeration, and so on and so forth.
That doesn't mean that you need to feel like you're not trying as hard as the older generation did.
It is known that the older generation rarely worked more than 5-6 hours a day. They couldn't work anymore; either it's winter and the sun sets too quick, or its summer and its too hot to be working in the fields during midday, and such.
Craftsmen chose the time that they worked, and so they cycled between times of extreme activity and times of doing virtually nothing.
In short, stop trying to compare yourself to older generations. It's both mentally unhealthy, and merely you inflicting point psychological pain on yourself.
Um.
But I'm also very conscious about how much weaker I am than everybody else there, and how I'll almost certainly never get to their level (because they devote more time and energy to it, time that I'm spending focusing on my career).
1) Yes. There is a difference between getting strong and being strong. However, you can only become strong by getting stronger, correct?You're saying you're consciously affected by the fact that you're weaker than most people at the gym. The only way to fix that is to get stronger, and eventually reach the point where you're strong.
Hence the reason I said you sound like a whiner. You identify a problem, but instead of approaching it with the attitude of "I have a problem, and I will fix it" you say "I have a problem, but one that cannot be fixed because I'm weak and everyone works out more than me anyhow"
That's why I mentioned how long a general strength session can take. It doesn't take anymore than 40min-1hr of 3-4 lifts. Time spent at the gym is not an issue. Knowledge and consistency is.
Here's an example. I was a fat, weak kid growing up. I could barely do 10 push-ups and couldn't do a chin-up up until I was 22ish. One day I got tired of that, and decided to learn how to do a chin-up. It took me 2-3 weeks (I forget). Then later I got an actual membership to a gym. The first time I tried to bench, I couldn't bench 55lb. I couldn't squat anymore than 100lb. You get the point.
And now I'm squatting 230lb for multiple reps, deadlifting 340lb for multiple reps, doing 10+ chin-ups with ease, and vice versa. None of them are good numbers, but at least I'm stronger than I was a year ago. And I intend to continue getting stronger.
Life is almost entirely about identifying problems, whatever they may be, and struggling to fix them. You do not fix problems by making excuses.
Believe me when I say that I know what you mean. I've felt the same way. I am a naturally shy person who do not like making small talk with people, I feel that it's boring and pointless; I'd much rather get to the point. I didn't enjoy making connections with people for my betterment, because I felt it was dishonest and manipulative. And a whole bunch of other things.
I felt that this is who I am, and I don't want to "fix" that. Why should I "fix" myself? I am who I am, and that's that.
But over conversations with many people over time and conversations with myself (this is valuable, btw), I've realized that this is a really flawed mentality, for a number of reasons.
1) Who you are changes over time. A couple of years ago I enjoyed reading fiction novels. Now I cannot stand them. They generally feel hackneyed and boring. Why did this change happen? It certainly wasn't a conscious change, I just one day felt "wow, this is boring" and then realized that I no longer enjoyed reading fiction.
Conversely, a couple of years ago I hated math and thought I sucked at them. Now I enjoy math. Again, this certainly wasn't a conscious change, it's just something I realized after a while.
2) Life experiences change you, dramatically. Another personal example- I've spent the last year studying for the LSAT. I didn't do as well as I hoped. This singular experience taught me that one really doesn't get what they want in life, and that we have to make choices that we wouldn't have made in the past. Plus, it made me much more humbler about my personal abilities and self. I am currently in a field that I didn't imagine I'd ever be in, but my experience in the past year was more than enough to convince me that this is the best option. Plus, it taught me to greatly appreciate what I have in life, and don't go wasting things like I've done for a very long time.
3) Who you are as a person could very well be very flawed to begin with.
Let me present an "extreme" example. Suppose you have an individual who is incredibly racist towards black people. He feels that this is who he is, and he doesn't want to change it, much like you and me.
Would you let him stay the way he is, because that's who he is?
The concept that we don't have to change ourselves to fit society simply doesn't work. It assumes that we're perfectly fine as we are, and that our sense of self is immutable. Both couldn't be further from the truth.
Confidence is the feeling that you are capable of accomplishing your goals. Arrogance is assuming you will accomplish those goals.
Why I tell you to fake confidence is because confidence is a in a large part supported by external validation. People saying you did a good job, people trusting you to accomplish your part of something, etc. It's a reciprocal process, where people believe in you because you are confident and you are confident because others believe in you (and also that you believe in yourself). If you want in on that confidence cycle, often all you need to do is start faking that initial confidence, and you'll find people react to you differently, and you'll start feeling that confidence yourself.
Confidence isn't, however, a constant feeling. You'll doubt yourself and your capabilities, so don't be discouraged.
It really doesn't matter how hard other people are working. Are you a farmer? Do you mine coal? Are you uneducated working three part-time jobs to support your family?
Being able to work harder is largely irrelevant, because as I've already discussed there is always someone working harder than you. Gauge your work on your peers, not on a nebulous concept of your ancestor's life difficulty or the work ethic of 'other people'.
Working harder isn't always working better. This is a hard concept for perfectionists to understand, but it can actually be counterproductive to your overall stress levels and the quality of your other assignments for you to focus too much on a paper that is worth very little of your grade.
And the quality of your work overall suffers when you reach certain stress levels, which is why it's important to learn to accept something as 'good enough'.
Good enough to accomplish the task at hand. I work in emergency management, and perfectionists are actually the worst kind of planners. They do a bad job because they want to do such a good job they lose focus and perspective. They write a 20-page plan when a one page bulleted list would do, especially given the context of people with very little time to spend reading the finer points of a subject and just need to know what to do.
What is your field? It's hard to comment on this without context.
College almost never teaches you the skills you need to succeed in a professional career, it just gives you the minimum background necessary (and sometimes not even that). Professors seem like experts when you're young, in college and inexperienced, but with a few exceptions (namely scientists) they tend to be in academics because they couldn't hack it outside. Keep that in perspective before you stress out.
I think this is your biggest problem here. You'll accomplish nothing long-term if you burn yourself out or don't enjoy yourself, too. After all, what are you working for? What are your life goals?
For instance, I'm working so that I can help support my family and also because my skills help a lot of people. But I'm never going to enjoy either of those things if I burn myself out or I'm miserable, because all those relationships will suffer. Figure out your priorities (pro-tip: No one ever regrets not working harder on their death bed) and learn to pace yourself.
The biggest surprise for me upon entering the workforce is how much a joke it is. In college I never felt like anything I was doing was all that great, and like I half-assed a lot of things.
Well, the reality is that in the actual workforce, most people are going to be churning out work like your C- classmates, and someone with a 4.0 is going to be working right next to someone with a 2.0, and they'll frequently be your boss, too. The world isn't a true meritocracy, spend time learning how to socialize more with other people and you'll be far more successful than you would if you had just focused on school work.
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I'm starting to intentionally smile whenever I have an idle moment (waiting in line, in traffic, etc.). Last night I went to a karaoke bar and sang a few songs, which took some courage on my part. Definitely don't want to end up an old grouch
It's not just about other people, though. I mean, that's a large part of it, but I also want to achieve great and virtuous things. And that means that the actions I take (or the intentions I have) can be considered "good" or "bad."
I think it has benefits as well; it teaches gratitude, humility, and belief in the power of the human spirit. I do agree that it's a pretty ridiculous comparison to make.
It's not so much that it's difficult as that it requires more time and energy than I'm willing to commit right now. I have lots of goals that need my attention, and I'm aware that I'm neglecting my "be strong" goal but I don't know how to make room for it in my life right now. So I watch it start to slip away and despair.
In that case, maybe I shouldn't be laughing at myself, because maybe I have serious problems/deficiencies that I should be working to fix? Because that's certainly the perspective I have right now.
Some more information:
1) People telling me I did a good job doesn't seem to boost my confidence very much, because my work is rarely up to my own standards and I'm unsure as to whether they really think it's good or they're just being nice.
2) When it comes to my personal goals, I've never succeeded and therefore never experienced the external validation that would really be meaningful to me.
Still, the clarification was helpful. Thank you.
My peers work pretty hard, and the harder they work the more I admire and respect them.
I certainly understand burnout (having gone through it a few times) and I'm not foolish enough to damage my long-term GPA/health for the sake of getting an A on a single assignment. That would be highly suboptimal
I'm a digital artist. My work is equivalent to my portfolio, which is equivalent to my resume. That means there's close to a 1:1 ratio on "how hard I work" vs "how employable I am."
In addition to that, my hobby/dream job is game design which I work on when I'm not too busy. Becoming employable as a game designer is like becoming employable as a movie director in terms of the amount of talent/effort required. Since I'm not devoting 100% of my time to it, I feel constant pressure not to "fall behind" other people who would be competing for the same job.
I want to contribute to games as a medium and I want to help people in third-world countries. I also want to be happy(er, I'd say I'm about a 6/10 right now). These goals aren't mutually exclusive, but they do strain upon each other.
Ideally I get a job when I graduate and spend a few years in graphics/advertising, and then transition into game design. I then spend the rest of my life designing games, donating money to charities and having awesome life experiences.
I think this is possible, but it involves burning the midnight oil for the next several years. It also possibly involves not attempting any other majorly taxing self-improvement regimens such as social skills and/or weight lifting.
I could try a more balanced approach, I'm not sure if that would be better.
Yeah, networking is crucial. I guess the social skills are definitely a part of my 5 year plan.
I'm actually not sure what is and isn't patently ridiculous when it comes to standards. I know people who seem superhuman in what they're able to accomplish, and if we look at history or professional athletes you can see examples of people doing things that defy credulity.
I try not to hold standards as to what I'm going to accomplish, but I feel that holding standards as to how hard I should work makes sense.
I should mention that ethics is a big source of why I feel compelled to work. I have an unusually strong sense of liberal guilt, but I don't think of it as irrational. On top of that, I genuinely want to be a person who does a lot of good.
4th place at CCC&G Pro Tour
Chances of bad hands (<2 or >4 land):
21: 28.9%
22: 27.5%
23: 26.3%
24: 25.5%
25: 25.1%
26: 25.3%
http://www.mtgsalvation.com/trading-post/details/360-bitterblossom-and-mistbind-clique-looking-to-trade
You wrote that you go to the gym 30 minute everyday. Are you really that swamped that you cannot add an extra 30 minutes and then spend some time learning how to weight-lift properly?
Unless you're working 12+ hour days, I'm hesitant to believe that you really are that squeezed for time.
Or perhaps that serious problem can only be fixed by laughing at yourself and being more laid-back and not as goal-driven.
I'm come to realize that it's not the amount of time you spend at something, but rather the effort you give to something. You could very well be studying for 8-9 hours a day, but if you're not studying properly/with the proper dedication and focus/vice versa, then the time is wasted.
And, yet, if you give proper effort, then you can probably halve that time and be doing more actual work.
Or perhaps you really are giving proper effort and focus to the things you're doing, and you really just have that much on your plate. However, seeing others and myself complain about how much work they have to do when in fact they devote little actual effort, I am again doubtful.
I don't have any reason thus far to believe that you're above-average, after all.
In any case, I simply wanted to make the point that the concept of "I am fine as I am, and I don't need to change to fit the expectations of others" and thoughts related to this, are flawed.
What you do with that is up to you.
It's not the time, it's the energy. I can run for half and hour and still do stuff just fine. When I lift I feel mentally exhausted for the rest of the day and part of the next day as well.
Well, I can do little to assuage those doubts. For the point of this thread, let's assume I'm being sincere and proceed from there. After all, if you don't believe I'm going to benefit from this advice then there isn't much point in responding in the first place.
I don't think I wrote anything that suggested I thought that way; at least, I didn't intend to. Can you point to the post where I might have communicated that message?
Thank you for sharing your thoughts
4th place at CCC&G Pro Tour
Chances of bad hands (<2 or >4 land):
21: 28.9%
22: 27.5%
23: 26.3%
24: 25.5%
25: 25.1%
26: 25.3%
2. No one cares how hard you work, they care what you achieve. Your professor doesn't grade you on how many hours you put into the paper. Set attainable goals (e.g "I want to get stronger") and sub-goals (e.g. "I will spend X minutes at the gym today") and then work only as hard as you need to to achieve them. If your goal is to get an A on a paper and you can do that in four hours, don't work five hours (unless doing so will help you achieve some other goal). If you aren't sure what's expected on the paper, talk to the professor, look at feedback from previous papers, etc, until you figure out what you need to do to get your desired grade. Then do it.
3. You will fail repeatedly in your life, in big and small ways. All the greatest acheivers failed constantly (the example everyone gives is Thomas Edison, took him hundreds or thousands of tries to get a functional lightbulb). That's how they learned to succeed. If you never fail, it's because you're not trying hard enough or taking enough risks. Embrace failure and learn to get better from it.
4. You're never truly competing against other people because you can't influence their outcomes. You can only influence your own outcomes. Focus on your own goals; there will always be people better or worse at something than you and that's totally beyond your control.
5. When it comes to confidence issues: fake it, as others have said. This is not dishonest. It's not dishonest to cut your hair, wear clothes, and shower. Sure, that's not how you naturally look and smell, but you're putting forward an image of yourself that you want others to see. Confidence is the same. You're putting forward an image of yourself that is self-assured, happy, and excited to achieve things. This is what I think people really mean when they say "be yourself." They mean "let the best self, the self you aspire to be every day, shine through."