Anyway, an update on the situation is that I have since called her and we talked it out and we're going to make an effort to forget everything that happened in the past week.
Some of you might say that this is only a temporary solution to the problem if I don't change my attitude. This is a point that I now understand after reading the replies you guys have given me, so I appreciate that.
The trouble is that I'm stubborn. Very stubborn. But hopefully, I'll be able to keep my anger issues in check. Wish me luck?
So I met this girl through an internet chat thing about four months ago and we've been basically talking, texting, and Skyping every day and we became really close. So I decided to fly to her (one side of the U.S. to the other) for New Year's.
I end up spending a week with her and things are going great. We make it official and promise to try to make this long distance thing work. We make plans for her to come to me on January 16.
After we made the plans, she finds out that she has a job interview. She's still college-age, so it's not like a career-type job. It's just a job pushing papers making minimum wage. But she really wants to start working and get experience so I'm happy for her.
I remind her the night before the interview that we had plans on January 16. Here's the way I see it.
If she starts working at her new job, and then within a week of starting her job, she suddenly asks for time off, that looks pretty bad. I get it.
If she mentions during the interview process that she has already made plans, then the job might be willing to make accommodations for her. Besides, part of the interview process is to discuss when you can start and what your availability is. The interview was on January 8 and the plans were for January 16. Put yourself in the boss/interviewer's shoes: do you really expect the interviewee to not have a life? It's not like the plans were hampering her availability for the distant future, it's next week! She's allowed to have friends and allowed to have a life. Mentioning these plans shouldn't hurt her chances at getting the job and the boss should be willing to work around them. Even if the boss isn't cooperative, she should still bring it up because that's the best chance of saving our plans.
Anyway, interview happens. She tells me that she got the job, but didn't bother to mention our plans for January 16. She tells me that the job has her working a lot until May and then she asks me to wait until May to see her again.
So I get upset and I tell her that I feel like she's not really trying to make this relationship work. Even before we met (before New Year's), I was always the one to call her first or text her first. (It's a girl thing to not text first, I get it.) But anyway, I brought up the fact that she never texts me first and that now she's not making an effort to come see me until May. I tell her that I feel like she's not pulling her own weight in the relationship and that she's not trying hard to enough to be with me.
I tell her that I still love her very much and that I still want things to work out between us.
But I'm getting sick of feeling like I'm the only one that's trying. I tell her that from now on, I'm not going to text or call her first. I tell her that of course I still want to talk to her, but that I want her to make the first effort. If she calls, I will answer. If she texts, I will text back.
So anyway, after I told her this, we haven't spoken at all since she's not texting first and because I promised I wouldn't be the first anymore.
I'm still absolutely furious with her that she's not making an effort so I don't want to call her first and let her off the hook. But I'm also afraid of losing her.
(Maybe you're thinking that she's just trying to find a easier way to let me down rather than just telling me outright. I don't think so. Judging by the conversations we've had, I know that isn't the case. She's just being fussy because I called her out and I'm too stubborn to be the bigger person here.)
We've talked about her period on multiple occasions.
She says that she has irregular periods that can be pretty brutal at times. It's actually a running joke in our conversations with each other that she's all Jekyll and Hyde at different times of the month. I don't want to be THAT douchebag guy that just blames everything on PMS, but I know from talking to her every day for four months, that things get really bad for her. In fact, she even warned me a few days ago that she suspects that the time is coming and that "you better be careful" (her words, not mine). So maybe I should wait a few more days?
I really don't have a clue when it comes to this subject. I'm not sure what effect the morning after pill has on this, but she did take one on New Year's Day. Does that make things even worse?
What do I do? Am I being unreasonable?
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What's written below is a reply I've made in this thread. I feel this is important so I'm copying it here as well since I know not everyone will read through every reply in this thread. It's not that I'm necessarily mad because I don't get to see her, it's just her approach; read below. If you still think I'm out of line, then please let me know so that I can realize my mistake.
What bothers me is that she made two separate promises to me: (1) that she would see me on the 16th, and (2) that she would mention it in the interview to see if it was possible to work around the 16th (e.g., start working the week after). Questions like, "when are you able to start working?" are pretty commonplace during the interview process.
I would've been okay if she mentions to the interviewer that she has plans on the 16th and the boss is unwilling to cooperate. I would've also been okay if she tells me ahead of time that she's really uncomfortable bringing up these vacation plans during the interview and asks me ahead of time if it's okay to cancel our plans.
Neither of those things above happened: she promised to bring it up, blew off her promise, and then is acting like she didn't do anything wrong by breaking her word.
It's one thing if you really want the job and don't want to mention your vacation plans because you fear that might move you down the list. That's fine too. Then tell me right away that you don't want to say anything during the interview. But why promise to say something and not say anything?
First thing first, I think there are some points to consider. The reason why she wants a job is a big thing here. Does she needs the money ? Will the job help her get into university ? How often will she have a similar opportunity ?
If she really need that job (i think it is the case since no one wants to do paper work for any random reason) and she has to wait weeks for another opportunity, it was really bad for you to expect her to pick her priorities other way. You guys on a very early stage of relationship to a point it can be considered fun (not family) in her schedule. It's just expected that a mature person puts finance/profession over fun and she could be expecting you to understand that.
I think the reason of your disagreement is either (or both!):
1) You undervalued her necessity to get a job.
2) You guys could be in a different place relationship-wise. It could be that the level of commitment asked by both parts are not the same. This have to be fixed.
You have to figure what's the situation (it could involve talking to her). If it's case 1 she has reasons to be upset and you can only hope she will forgive you. If it's reason 2 things are more bilateral and you guys just have to talk and decide how much commitment one owes to the other because I get the feeling it's not clear from here.
You reacted badly to the situation. The only way long-distance relationships work is if neither party pulls the 'you aren't trying hard enough/you never make an effort' card. You then followed it up with some real immaturity.
That being said, unless any of you have done a real-long distance thing, don't judge the OP. It's very hard. As in, 'I would rather crash into a tree at 80mph again than do the long-distance things for more than a few months at a time' hard. My wife and I lived apart for three years (when we were still dating/engaged, two of which required a flight to reach her) while she was in Medical School. The only thing that kept us going is that she would never have had free time anyway except for the long weekends when I would come to visit.
Honestly, this particular relationship may be done. Long distance relationships require a high level of maturity to work, and I don't think you have it. They're hard enough, but if you live on opposite ends of the country and don't have any mutual goals yet (when you're moving to future phases, like moving nearer to one another), it becomes nearly impossible. The emotional stress involved is huge and without being able to comfort one another with your presence, bitterness just builds up. Once you're at the point where that bitterness at the other person is there, it never really goes away and it's a poison on the relationship.
Work is work. It doesn't matter if it's a minimum wage job or a shift at the ER, you don't blow off work for a fling. Especially if she hasn't worked before. You may feel like she isn't valuing the relationship, but she's feeling like you aren't valuing her life or her commitments. To her, that job is important and her first step to being taken seriously as a worker in the world, and you're essentially making her choose between a professional and romantic future. That's not cool. I'm not saying that you should tolerate a workaholic, but be reasonable.
Whether or not you get back together, you should call her and apologize. Tell her you're sorry for putting everything on her and the difficulty of the long-distance thing was getting to you, and tell her you'd understand if she didn't want to keep going, but that you still care for her.
My general advice to you is to think before you act out. Put yourself in her shoes and make sure you aren't projecting your own insecurity.
Work is work. It doesn't matter if it's a minimum wage job or a shift at the ER, you don't blow off work for a fling. Especially if she hasn't worked before. You may feel like she isn't valuing the relationship, but she's feeling like you aren't valuing her life or her commitments. To her, that job is important and her first step to being taken seriously as a worker in the world, and you're essentially making her choose between a professional and romantic future. That's not cool. I'm not saying that you should tolerate a workaholic, but be reasonable.
That's not the point. I'm glad that she's working because that seems like it's important to her.
I feel like any promises that she made before she even knew she had an interview should take priority. She didn't even seek out this interview; it kind of fell into her lap from a referral from her cousin.
We both know that she goes to school; the 16th wasn't a random date that we selected out of the blue. It was carefully selected as such, because she doesn't have class on Fridays. The 16th is a Thursday, meaning she can get on a plane after her class and then she can spend the long weekend with me, on the account of the holiday.
We know that school exists for her, so I don't want to force her to choose between that or me. And now once we know that the job exists, I'd be glad to schedule our future plans around that too. But am I wrong in thinking that promises made before she even knew she had an interview (let alone before knowing she got the job) should stick? I asked her to bring it up during the interview process that she has plans for the 16th and she promised she would. But then she just refused to bring it up during the interview and now she's acting like it's not a big deal that she blew off her promise.
Again, I want to stress that this wasn't some vague plan in the far-off distant future. This was next weekend. I already told my employers that I needed time off.
The only thing I regret is that I didn't purchase her plane ticket for her before the interview. What if I had already bought the plane ticket and booked the hotel for her? Does that change her responsibility to keep her word on a promise? To me, a promise is a promise, regardless of whether or not I already shelled out $700 for it.
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Also, it's not just that she canceled the plans, it's the way that she did it. If she came to me and was like, "I'm know that we had already made plans but this thing kind of fell into my lap. Is there any way you're willing to reconsider our plans?" that's one thing. But her attitude was more along the lines of, "I can't go anymore. Sorry. Bye."
You have to make your own life before you try to make a life with someone else. Sorry Chief, but she made the right call. Jay was on point. Just based on some of the things you mentioned in the op, it mames you look needy. No one likes that in a significant other. Also, you told her you loved her witbin two weeks of "making it official"? Might have scared her off. Thats pretty intense in such a short period of time
It sounds like you're being extremely immature about this situation. Y'all haven't been together that long and you shouldn't expect her to put her whole life on hold according to your whim. You claim to love this girl, claiming you will do anything and everything to make it work but when the first speed bump hits you throw a tantrum like a 3yo child. That isn't love and that isn't making it work. Man up, call her and apologize. And if you truly cared you'd be making plans to go see her... AGAIN.
Secondly: Jay13x Pretty much nailed it. I'll go so far as to say that you were more than unreasonable, you were a dick. The worst thing you could have possibly done in that situation is make her feel bad about having to break her promise. No a promise she made does not take priority over work. She can't put her life on hold for you just like you can't do that for her. I'm a firm believer that long distance relationships don't work. My girlfriend lives an hour away and has kids and a bunch of other things that try to come between us and the mere the hours that we spend apart are painful but I'm understanding of her needs as she's understanding of mine. I do everything I can to not make her feel bad about leaving, and while sometimes I fail at it, I understand that she doesn't do it by choice. If she had the option we'd spend every second of every day together. You'll never conduct a successful relationship as long as you're as selfish as you described in your OP.
You have to make your own life before you try to make a life with someone else. Sorry Chief, but she made the right call. Jay was on point. Just based on some of the things you mentioned in the op, it mames you look needy. No one likes that in a significant other. Also, you told her you loved her witbin two weeks of "making it official"? Might have scared her off. Thats pretty intense in such a short period of time
Well, the love thing we've both been saying to each other even since before we made anything official. It's possible to develop intense feelings toward each other before actually meeting. Considering the fact that we've been talking every day for the last four months, we considered ourselves "together" long before we met.
I just refused to put a label on things until we met, considering the whole Manti Te'o thing from last year.
It sounds like you're being extremely immature about this situation. Y'all haven't been together that long and you shouldn't expect her to put her whole life on hold according to your whim. You claim to love this girl, claiming you will do anything and everything to make it work but when the first speed bump hits you throw a tantrum like a 3yo child. That isn't love and that isn't making it work. Man up, call her and apologize. And if you truly cared you'd be making plans to go see her... AGAIN.
Again, no one is asking to put her whole life on hold. And it's not a whim. Plans were made.
What bothers me is that she made two separate promises to me: (1) that she would see me on the 16th, and (2) that she would mention it in the interview to see if it was possible to work around the 16th (e.g., start working the week after). Questions like, "when are you able to start working?" are pretty commonplace during the interview process.
I would've been okay if she mentions to the interviewer that she has plans on the 16th and the boss is unwilling to cooperate. I would've also been okay if she tells me ahead of time that she's really uncomfortable bringing up these vacation plans during the interview and asks me ahead of time if it's okay to cancel our plans.
Neither of those things above happened: she promised to bring it up, blew off her promise, and then is acting like she didn't do anything wrong by breaking her word.
Emergency contraception doesn't make women into hate-filled heartbreakers. And dysmenorrhea doesn't either.
In this economy, a job comes before a booty call in the minds of sensible people. And you can't just tell the boss as soon as you start the job that "I have plans."
You need to apologize and man up. Be supportive of her future life rather than thinking about yourself.
I was in a long-distance relationship and I didn't ask him to quit work to be with me. I went to see him as often as I could. It can work out, but both of you need to be committed and honest.
And you can't just tell the boss as soon as you start the job that "I have plans."
Again, I repeat myself: Asking for time off as soon as you start is bad. I know that. I didn't ask her for that.
But as an interviewer, do you really believe that all your interviewees don't have a life? That they don't have plans for next weekend?
"When are you able to start working?"
"I was hoping to start working after next weekend, I've actually already made plans to be out of the state next weekend."
"That's not going to work. We're pretty short on people right now and I really need you right away."
"Oh, okay. I'll see if I can swing that. Can I get back to you in two hours?"
is a very different conversation than
"When are you able to start working?"
"Immediately. I have absolutely nothing else going on in my life."
I was in a long-distance relationship and I didn't ask him to quit work to be with me. I went to see him as often as I could. It can work out, but both of you need to be committed and honest.
No one is asking anyone to quit anything.
If you want to talk commitment and honesty, she's the one that promised me that she'd make an effort to try to preserve our plans and then said nothing during the interview.
It's one thing if you really want the job and don't want to mention your vacation plans because you fear that might move you down the list. That's fine too. Then tell me right away that you don't want to say anything during the interview. But why promise to say something and not say anything?
I dont think she should have to make that choice. And I think you should be more supportive and understanding of the situation if you truly "love" one another
Promises are often made with the best intentions. Sometimes life gets in the way.
You're obviously not getting the response you wanted from here. It's apparent you don't deserve her. Move on.
The response I'm looking for here is, "It's not a big deal that she broke two promises and is refusing to call you. You need to be the better person here and step up," or "It's pretty bad that she broke two promises. Wait for her to call you."
Instead, all I'm getting are responses arguing points that I've already addressed.
Consider what BatterysRevenge said,
And you can't just tell the boss as soon as you start the job that "I have plans."
That's not even why I'm upset. I already addressed on multiple occasions now that asking for time off right away doesn't look good and that I never asked her to do that. So why are people still thinking that's what I was expecting?
ThaDeceptikon said,
I dont think she should have to make that choice.
Again, that response is missing the boat completely. No one asked her to make any choice.
I asked her if she's willing to mention her vacation plans during the interview. She promised she would. And then she didn't.
Why promise you'll mention it if you don't plan to mention it?
But am I wrong in thinking that promises made before she even knew she had an interview (let alone before knowing she got the job) should stick?
Of course you're wrong. You seriously want her to loose a job opportunity just because you don't want your expectations frustrated ?
Relationships are not like business were we sign and stick to contracts because each part are doing it purely for it's own interest. In a relationship each one should care about the other future and well being. If a promise gets in the way of it it should not be kept. What's the point of a promise if keeping it makes people miserable ?
Why promise you'll mention it if you don't plan to mention it?
Because circumstance changes ?
Once I promised my fiance that I would spend the carnival (some huge 10 day holiday in Brazil) with her, but my father got sick and I had to help him with a humongous amount of paper work instead. Of course she got mad at me but in the end of the day, it wasn't me apologizing ;D
If you like her enough you'll forgive her. It sounds like both of you have devolved into a childish waiting game that no one will win. One of you has to be mature about the issue and make contact so the matter can be resolved. If you're calm enough to type a thesis on this matter then you're calm enough to talk to your gf without too much emotion getting in the way. I suggest you congratulate her on her new job and then segue into a discussion about how her decision to not mention her prior plans hurt your feelings. You can't make her sorry for what she did but maybe you can get her to see your side of things and she'll be contrite then.
The response I'm looking for here is, "It's not a big deal that she broke two promises and is refusing to call you. You need to be the better person here and step up," or "It's pretty bad that she broke two promises. Wait for her to call you."
Usually, when you expect people to respond with A or B, and you keep hearing a repeated response that is neither of those, people are trying to tell you that you seem not to understand something - that's why the responses don't conform to expectations. Neither of those responses is the appropriate response, because the focus shouldn't be whether her actions are reasonable in the first place - the focus should be whether your actions are reasonable, because they really don't seem like it.
Let me reiterate: If you focus on whether what she did was ok, you're doing it wrong.
How you reacted was very selfish (don't take this as a pure insult, everyone is selfish in some aspects of their lives - otherwise they'd be martyrs by now) - it was entirely based on whether what happened was fair to you. If you're were in an adult relationship, your focus would be her. Now, maybe you're concerned about who would be looking out for your best interest and whether she would be fair to you. After all, how can you know for sure that she is legitimately looking out for your best interest? That might be a valid concern, but if it is, you simply are not in a mature, romantic relationship - you're simply trying to force your relationship into that.
Do you know how you know you're in an adult relationship? You don't worry about everything you're worrying about here in the first place, you know she's being as fair to you as possible, and you don't make all these calculations to protect yourself.
Now, it's unfair to expect you to just have complete faith in her like that. It's massively unfair. For all we know, she might not have your best interest in mind. In fact, I'm not even urging you to have complete faith in her. The key thing to understand here is that no one here is expecting or urging you to be in an adult relationship; it's just something you're already in, or it isn't.
And it really appears that you aren't. It just seems like you're simply trying to be.
You seem to like this girl; you seem to really like her, and I think you may want to be in love - but it doesn't work like that, we don't choose who we love. People who really love each other don't treat each other like you're treating her; they don't try to protect themselves from each other in case they're being treated unfairly, they're fully exposed. You are entirely focused on protecting yourself here, making sure that you're being treated fairly, that what you do is in your best interest, and don't seem to be at all concerned with how difficult you've made things for her.
Maybe she did put in 100% of what's reasonable, perhaps she didn't - but it doesn't matter. If you're unsure whether she really did her best, if the answer isn't 'obviously she did all she could', then the game's already up - you're not ready for an adult relationship, at least with this girl, at least right now.
And that's not a failure, it's not something you're necessarily suppose to 'correct', it's just the truth.
If you want to give this relationship the chance to evolve into a romantic, adult relationship, you need to stop playing this 'was she in the wrong' game, immediately and truthfully apologize for making things harder on her, and just hope that she's already focused on you enough to let how horribly you've treated her slide. ... and maybe she won't. ... and maybe it isn't even a good idea. ... but that's the path man.
If you want someone you can trust completely, you need to start trusting them completely and assuming that she had good reason to handle things exactly how she did. Whether that's what you really want though is up to you.
Although, just between you and me, even if you determine that you're not ready for this sort of thing, call the poor thing up and apologize for being a jerk, because trust me -THAT'S the guy you want be. Not this other guy.
But am I wrong in thinking that promises made before she even knew she had an interview (let alone before knowing she got the job) should stick?
You are wrong. Her circumstances changed, you can't hold someone to a promise she made when she didn't have work to worry about. It's also not appropriate to ask for time off in your interview or your first week on the job. She probably got scared and nervous, because this job is a big deal to her. The thing is, you can't hold someone accountable to everything they tell you when the reality is that real life happens and sometimes people fall short of our expectations. You should always look at the situation first. I get that you're hurt by what feels like a betrayal, but think about it like this: Did she actually promise you unprompted that she would ask, or did you push her into it while talking with her (it sounds like it was the latter)? Was it really fair for you to do so? If you want to be successful long-distance, communication has to be extremely open and honest, and you shouldn't push someone into a position where they feel like they have to choose between things that are important to them. More importantly, you need to realize that your significant other is going to do things that hurt you and that you feel are wrong, and you're going to need to suck it up and be the bigger person, because winning the argument or the fight isn't worth the bitterness. Even more importantly, you're going to want that consideration in return sometime.
You should call her. Don't play the 'she needs to come to me game', because you will never win that way and it ultimately comes across as petty, not matter how right you may or may not be. The situation already sucks, don't make it worse.
Be patient and wait for her to find the time to come visit properly, or break up with her. It sounds like you really need to find someone closer by, where you can get the experience you need for being in a relationship without the additional stress of long-distance. Relationships aren't about a 1:1 ratio on fairness, sometimes you just have to let things go. Long-distance relationships are a huge enough challenge without these kinds of stand-offs. Communication is all you have, and if you cut it off it can go downhill very quickly.
Now, if you had already paid the $700 for the trip? You would need to break-up with her, and in either case you shouldn't be shelling out that kind of money for a relatively new relationship, so if you had lost it I would have told you to take it as a very important (and expensive) lesson learned - don't put any money into a relationship you aren't willing to lose. There will always be someone closer by, and it really doesn't sound like it's worth the money (on your own expense) to fly her out to you for a relatively new relationship for someone who is new to relationships. If she can't afford to visit you after you've already paid to visit her, you're probably at very different places in your life.
And if she's valuing a minimum wage job over seeing you, it's clear that her priorities are different than your own. It sounds like you're already out of school, is that right? If so, you both may be in very different places in your life, and if your goals aren't the same or running on the same timeline, a long-distance relationship is just going to end badly for both of you. It might be hard to see while you're still in the honeymoon phase of the relationship, but it's probably painfully obvious to your friends and family. Ask them their honest opinion, and make sure to take them seriously and not react negatively if they say something you don't want to hear.
I seriously recommend apologizing but breaking it off before either of you become more committed and before you spend serious money flying her out to you.
Emergency contraception doesn't make women into hate-filled heartbreakers. And dysmenorrhea doesn't either.
In this economy, a job comes before a booty call in the minds of sensible people. And you can't just tell the boss as soon as you start the job that "I have plans."
You need to apologize and man up. Be supportive of her future life rather than thinking about yourself.
I was in a long-distance relationship and I didn't ask him to quit work to be with me. I went to see him as often as I could. It can work out, but both of you need to be committed and honest.
You are wrong. Her circumstances changed, you can't hold someone to a promise she made when she didn't have work to worry about. It's also not appropriate to ask for time off in your interview or your first week on the job.
You should call her. Don't play the 'she needs to come to me game', because you will never win that way and it ultimately comes across as petty, not matter how right you may or may not be. The situation already sucks, don't make it worse.
Be patient and wait for her to find the time to come visit properly, or break up with her. It sounds like you really need to find someone closer by, where you can get the experience you need for being in a relationship without the additional stress of long-distance. Relationships aren't about a 1:1 ratio on fairness, sometimes you just have to let things go. Long-distance relationships are a huge enough challenge without these kinds of stand-offs. Communication is all you have, and if you cut it off it can go downhill very quickly.
Now, did you already pay the $700 for the trip? Did I miss that before? In either case, either break-up with her, or just be patient until she feels comfortable at work to take the time off. You shouldn't be shelling out that kind of money for a relatively new relationship, anyway. There will always be someone closer by.
Some parts of more important than others, but I really don't think anything else needs saying.
If you're disinterested in being an adult about this and heeding the advice of BR, rxavage and Jay13x, that's up to your discretion; but, particularly if you're ungrateful about it, don't expect for people to offer you any constructive advice or any pearls of wisdom.
I can understand that honouring a promise or something is, in principle and as a principle, important, but think bigger picture and try to understand things as she would or a reasonable person would. I am not suggesting that you're immature, but you certainly sound like you have a long way to go before and can do more maturing and growing.
Whether or not your thing works out, you'd do well to communicate better and to think of not only of yourself or of the other person but of yourselves. This is something that you and that other person should bear in mind. However, you should do this while striking a balance between what is socially acceptable as well as what is palatable to the both of you. You can't squeeze blood out of a stone, just as you can't force a relationship and your actions and words must be consistent with each other and with that fact.
The way this sounds, I really think that you won't end up with this girl and have the relationship that you sound like you would like. It'd be for the best for you, for her, and for everyone and everything else. You may have gotten on well and you may get on okay, but it doesn't sound like you can deal with the downs in relationships in a constructive manner, together. If you continue along the trajectory, one of you will probably end up doing the whole Internet chat thing again and both of you will be dejected, unfulfilled, and bitter.
If you really want to fight for this, you have to fight yourself and conquer your issues and either shape up or ship out. She also has to work at this or you guys are just doomed.
Although, just between you and me, even if you determine that you're not ready for this sort of thing, call the poor thing up and apologize for being a jerk, because trust me -THAT'S the guy you want be. Not this other guy.
This is the important part and I didn't want it to get buried at the bottom of a long post.
Life in unfair and sucks sometimes. You ought to apologize. Not to make things right, not to get back together or anything, just because it's the right and decent thing to do.
Usually, when you expect people to respond with A or B, and you keep hearing a repeated response that is neither of those, people are trying to tell you that you seem not to understand something - that's why the responses don't conform to expectations. Neither of those responses is the appropriate response, because the focus shouldn't be whether her actions are reasonable in the first place - the focus should be whether your actions are reasonable, because they really don't seem like it.
Let me reiterate: If you focus on whether what she did was ok, you're doing it wrong.
How you reacted was very selfish (don't take this as a pure insult, everyone is selfish in some aspects of their lives - otherwise they'd be martyrs by now) - it was entirely based on whether what happened was fair to you. If you're were in an adult relationship, your focus would be her. Now, maybe you're concerned about who would be looking out for your best interest and whether she would be fair to you. After all, how can you know for sure that she is legitimately looking out for your best interest? That might be a valid concern, but if it is, you simply are not in a mature, romantic relationship - you're simply trying to force your relationship into that.
Do you know how you know you're in an adult relationship? You don't worry about everything you're worrying about here in the first place, you know she's being as fair to you as possible, and you don't make all these calculations to protect yourself.
Now, it's unfair to expect you to just have complete faith in her like that. It's massively unfair. For all we know, she might not have your best interest in mind. In fact, I'm not even urging you to have complete faith in her. The key thing to understand here is that no one here is expecting or urging you to be in an adult relationship; it's just something you're already in, or it isn't.
And it really appears that you aren't. It just seems like you're simply trying to be.
You seem to like this girl; you seem to really like her, and I think you may want to be in love - but it doesn't work like that, we don't choose who we love. People who really love each other don't treat each other like you're treating her; they don't try to protect themselves from each other in case they're being treated unfairly, they're fully exposed. You are entirely focused on protecting yourself here, making sure that you're being treated fairly, that what you do is in your best interest, and don't seem to be at all concerned with how difficult you've made things for her.
Maybe she did put in 100% of what's reasonable, perhaps she didn't - but it doesn't matter. If you're unsure whether she really did her best, if the answer isn't 'obviously she did all she could', then the game's already up - you're not ready for an adult relationship, at least with this girl, at least right now.
And that's not a failure, it's not something you're necessarily suppose to 'correct', it's just the truth.
If you want to give this relationship the chance to evolve into a romantic, adult relationship, you need to stop playing this 'was she in the wrong' game, immediately and truthfully apologize for making things harder on her, and just hope that she's already focused on you enough to let how horribly you've treated her slide. ... and maybe she won't. ... and maybe it isn't even a good idea. ... but that's the path man.
If you want someone you can trust completely, you need to start trusting them completely and assuming that she had good reason to handle things exactly how she did. Whether that's what you really want though is up to you.
Although, just between you and me, even if you determine that you're not ready for this sort of thing, call the poor thing up and apologize for being a jerk, because trust me -THAT'S the guy you want be. Not this other guy.
I do appreciate that you're the first legitimate response that I've gotten. I don't necessarily agree with what you said: I feel like there are plenty of relationships where each person still looks out for themselves. (For example, I just saw an episode of Penn & Teller: Bullshhh where an engaged couple went to get a polygraph to make sure they had been faithful to each other.) I still believe that she's committed a grave sin against me. In my estimation, dishonesty is dishonesty: whether it comes in the form of breaking a promise or being unfaithful.
But I think the point of me making the post is to see whether or not others agree with me, to find out if I'm right or wrong.
Obviously, I'm going to believe that I'm right; it's human nature for us to always agree with ourselves. The reason why I posted was to get either words of agreement or words of dissent and I'd be doing myself a disservice if ignore all dissent. The point is to accept dissent and try to change my opinion to something that conforms with others (i.e., the unbiased and "right" opinion, rather than my biased opinion).
Clearly, you don't agree but your dissent is appreciated because it comes from a complete understanding of my situation.
You understand I'm not upset because she chose a job over me. You understand I'm upset because she lied to me.
You are wrong. Her circumstances changed, you can't hold someone to a promise she made when she didn't have work to worry about. It's also not appropriate to ask for time off in your interview or your first week on the job.
Another person completely misses the point. You're wrong on two separate points, even though I'm beaten both of these points like a dead horse.
1. She's not asking for "time off" during the first week of the job. Part of the interview process is to determine availability and a start date. Often times, it's professional courtesy to give your current employer two weeks notice before you leave. In fact, it's pretty rare that you get hired immediately during the interview process and begin work immediately.
I've asked this question multiple times and no one has given me a direct yes or no yet: if you're interviewing a potential candidate, do you really expect that person to not have a life? Isn't it completely reasonable that someone has plans a week in advance?
Do you know what you're doing next weekend? Not ten weeks from now, not six months from now, not three years from now. Next weekend is right around the corner; it's completely reasonable to have plans.
2. But point 1 isn't even the reason I'm mad. If she wanted to start immediately, then she should've just told me that wants to start immediately. Why promise me the night before she'll mention her vacation plans and then not mention them? It's a matter of trust and honesty. It's not about her choosing the job over me.
If you're disinterested in being an adult about this and heeding the advice of BR, rxavage and Jay13x, that's up to your discretion; but, particularly if you're ungrateful about it, don't expect for people to offer you any constructive advice or any pearls of wisdom.
I'm not ungrateful about the feedback that I get if that feedback is actually relevant. People are talking about apples when I'm talking about oranges.
People are telling me I'm unreasonable because I'm not letting her work. When in actuality, I want her to work! If they're telling me one thing and I'm already doing it, then their advice is moot.
Maybe if I repeat it again, it'll finally sink in: I want her to work! I want her to go to school! And if that cuts into our time together, then so be it. Just don't lie about it.
This is the important part and I didn't want it to get buried at the bottom of a long post.
Life in unfair and sucks sometimes. You ought to apologize. Not to make things right, not to get back together or anything, just because it's the right and decent thing to do.
I don't understand this point; could you clarify? If you think I ought to apologize, not to get back together, but because it's the right thing to do, am I to follow that you think I'm in the wrong? It's fine if you think I'm in the wrong, but I'd like to know.
I understand apologizing because it's the decent thing to do. Being the bigger person and putting both our minds at ease with some closure (and getting rid of the bad karma, if you believe that) is the decent thing to do.
But if I'm not wrong, then how is it the right thing to do?
One dictionary defines "apologize" as
1. To make excuse for or regretful acknowledgment of a fault or offense.
What fault or offense did I commit? Because I overreacted at her reneging on her word? Am I taking this promise too seriously? This is a genuine question, not a condescending one: is this how relationships work, people promise things based on how they hope things will turn out and when real life gets in the way, they just shrug off their promises?
To make it the right thing to do means it fits the actual definition of "apologize".
Another person completely misses the point. You're wrong on two separate points, even though I'm beaten both of these points like a dead horse.
I think you're missing my point, actually - I recognize that you're mad because she broke her promise. Please remember that I am now happily married to a woman I was in a long-term relationship with for three years I really want to help you succeed here, so don't take anything I'm saying as being negative towards you, you've already said you don't have much experience and you're making rookie mistakes. The last post's comments about the job were me trying to think about her perspective with a first job.
She didn't do as she promised because she was probably scared to once she got in to the actual interview, which you've already stated is for her first/new job, not because of a callous disregard for your feelings. She's young, and she's going to make mistakes. You both are. You've compounded the problem in the way you reacted to it.
You're right that openness and honesty are important in a relationship, but cutting off communication because you're hurt is immature. It's the thing I've hated about every woman I've ever broken up with, and it was one of the major reasons I broke up with them, because when they were hurt or upset they would just shut down communication.
The point here is that you've done the greater harm to your relationship by overreacting than she did by breaking her promise. You have a right to be upset with her, I'm not saying that you shouldn't be upset by any means, but how you react to being hurt matters just as much as how you were hurt.
If you want to fix your relationship, call her back and apologize for overreacting, and work to fix the emotional gap that has developed between you. You may find you get the apology you want by doing so. Ultimatums never work in a relationship (in fact, they're frequently the end of relationships, or the death knell), so never give your SO an either-or choice (either you do this, or we're not talking). Keep communication up to give them time and a chance to talk it out or apologize without having to hurt their pride, because most people will rather spite you than wound their own pride.
She screwed up. Then you screwed up. You should probably just call her and talk about why you're upset instead of turning her broken promise into something it's not. If the broken promise is the issue, talk about it. If the issue is her not contacting you first, talk about it. Maybe you should even ask her how she felt about your overreaction and talk about that too! Communication is always important, but now you're severing communication (or at least making it harder) at a time when communication is essential.
It doesn't matter who's right or wrong. Talking to a bunch of anonymous MTG players online is not going to save your relationship. Talking to your girlfriend might. Maybe you should do that if you value this girl.
You've compounded the problem in the way you reacted to it.
Thank you. These are the types of responses I was looking for rather than "your girlfriend shouldn't have to choose between a job and you," seeing as how I never made her make that choice.
You're right that openness and honesty are important in a relationship, but cutting off communication because you're hurt is immature.
In my opinion, she's the one cutting off communication. I told her that I don't like being the only one trying in the relationship. I begged her to start calling me first or for her to text me first. She hasn't.
She screwed up. Then you screwed up ... Maybe you should even ask her how she felt about your overreaction and talk about that too!
I think that everyone is pretty much in agreement that I overreacted. Again, I don't believe that I did.
But it comes to the point where everyone else is telling me that and that I have to understand that I won't know I'm wrong unless I just take it on faith based on the opinions of countless others.
Some of you might say that this is only a temporary solution to the problem if I don't change my attitude. This is a point that I now understand after reading the replies you guys have given me, so I appreciate that.
The trouble is that I'm stubborn. Very stubborn. But hopefully, I'll be able to keep my anger issues in check. Wish me luck?
I end up spending a week with her and things are going great. We make it official and promise to try to make this long distance thing work. We make plans for her to come to me on January 16.
After we made the plans, she finds out that she has a job interview. She's still college-age, so it's not like a career-type job. It's just a job pushing papers making minimum wage. But she really wants to start working and get experience so I'm happy for her.
I remind her the night before the interview that we had plans on January 16. Here's the way I see it.
Anyway, interview happens. She tells me that she got the job, but didn't bother to mention our plans for January 16. She tells me that the job has her working a lot until May and then she asks me to wait until May to see her again.
So I get upset and I tell her that I feel like she's not really trying to make this relationship work. Even before we met (before New Year's), I was always the one to call her first or text her first. (It's a girl thing to not text first, I get it.) But anyway, I brought up the fact that she never texts me first and that now she's not making an effort to come see me until May. I tell her that I feel like she's not pulling her own weight in the relationship and that she's not trying hard to enough to be with me.
I tell her that I still love her very much and that I still want things to work out between us.
But I'm getting sick of feeling like I'm the only one that's trying. I tell her that from now on, I'm not going to text or call her first. I tell her that of course I still want to talk to her, but that I want her to make the first effort. If she calls, I will answer. If she texts, I will text back.
So anyway, after I told her this, we haven't spoken at all since she's not texting first and because I promised I wouldn't be the first anymore.
I'm still absolutely furious with her that she's not making an effort so I don't want to call her first and let her off the hook. But I'm also afraid of losing her.
(Maybe you're thinking that she's just trying to find a easier way to let me down rather than just telling me outright. I don't think so. Judging by the conversations we've had, I know that isn't the case. She's just being fussy because I called her out and I'm too stubborn to be the bigger person here.)
She says that she has irregular periods that can be pretty brutal at times. It's actually a running joke in our conversations with each other that she's all Jekyll and Hyde at different times of the month. I don't want to be THAT douchebag guy that just blames everything on PMS, but I know from talking to her every day for four months, that things get really bad for her. In fact, she even warned me a few days ago that she suspects that the time is coming and that "you better be careful" (her words, not mine). So maybe I should wait a few more days?
I really don't have a clue when it comes to this subject. I'm not sure what effect the morning after pill has on this, but she did take one on New Year's Day. Does that make things even worse?
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What's written below is a reply I've made in this thread. I feel this is important so I'm copying it here as well since I know not everyone will read through every reply in this thread. It's not that I'm necessarily mad because I don't get to see her, it's just her approach; read below. If you still think I'm out of line, then please let me know so that I can realize my mistake.
If she really need that job (i think it is the case since no one wants to do paper work for any random reason) and she has to wait weeks for another opportunity, it was really bad for you to expect her to pick her priorities other way. You guys on a very early stage of relationship to a point it can be considered fun (not family) in her schedule. It's just expected that a mature person puts finance/profession over fun and she could be expecting you to understand that.
I think the reason of your disagreement is either (or both!):
1) You undervalued her necessity to get a job.
2) You guys could be in a different place relationship-wise. It could be that the level of commitment asked by both parts are not the same. This have to be fixed.
You have to figure what's the situation (it could involve talking to her). If it's case 1 she has reasons to be upset and you can only hope she will forgive you. If it's reason 2 things are more bilateral and you guys just have to talk and decide how much commitment one owes to the other because I get the feeling it's not clear from here.
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That being said, unless any of you have done a real-long distance thing, don't judge the OP. It's very hard. As in, 'I would rather crash into a tree at 80mph again than do the long-distance things for more than a few months at a time' hard. My wife and I lived apart for three years (when we were still dating/engaged, two of which required a flight to reach her) while she was in Medical School. The only thing that kept us going is that she would never have had free time anyway except for the long weekends when I would come to visit.
Honestly, this particular relationship may be done. Long distance relationships require a high level of maturity to work, and I don't think you have it. They're hard enough, but if you live on opposite ends of the country and don't have any mutual goals yet (when you're moving to future phases, like moving nearer to one another), it becomes nearly impossible. The emotional stress involved is huge and without being able to comfort one another with your presence, bitterness just builds up. Once you're at the point where that bitterness at the other person is there, it never really goes away and it's a poison on the relationship.
Work is work. It doesn't matter if it's a minimum wage job or a shift at the ER, you don't blow off work for a fling. Especially if she hasn't worked before. You may feel like she isn't valuing the relationship, but she's feeling like you aren't valuing her life or her commitments. To her, that job is important and her first step to being taken seriously as a worker in the world, and you're essentially making her choose between a professional and romantic future. That's not cool. I'm not saying that you should tolerate a workaholic, but be reasonable.
Whether or not you get back together, you should call her and apologize. Tell her you're sorry for putting everything on her and the difficulty of the long-distance thing was getting to you, and tell her you'd understand if she didn't want to keep going, but that you still care for her.
My general advice to you is to think before you act out. Put yourself in her shoes and make sure you aren't projecting your own insecurity.
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That's not the point. I'm glad that she's working because that seems like it's important to her.
I feel like any promises that she made before she even knew she had an interview should take priority. She didn't even seek out this interview; it kind of fell into her lap from a referral from her cousin.
We both know that she goes to school; the 16th wasn't a random date that we selected out of the blue. It was carefully selected as such, because she doesn't have class on Fridays. The 16th is a Thursday, meaning she can get on a plane after her class and then she can spend the long weekend with me, on the account of the holiday.
We know that school exists for her, so I don't want to force her to choose between that or me. And now once we know that the job exists, I'd be glad to schedule our future plans around that too. But am I wrong in thinking that promises made before she even knew she had an interview (let alone before knowing she got the job) should stick? I asked her to bring it up during the interview process that she has plans for the 16th and she promised she would. But then she just refused to bring it up during the interview and now she's acting like it's not a big deal that she blew off her promise.
Again, I want to stress that this wasn't some vague plan in the far-off distant future. This was next weekend. I already told my employers that I needed time off.
The only thing I regret is that I didn't purchase her plane ticket for her before the interview. What if I had already bought the plane ticket and booked the hotel for her? Does that change her responsibility to keep her word on a promise? To me, a promise is a promise, regardless of whether or not I already shelled out $700 for it.
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Also, it's not just that she canceled the plans, it's the way that she did it. If she came to me and was like, "I'm know that we had already made plans but this thing kind of fell into my lap. Is there any way you're willing to reconsider our plans?" that's one thing. But her attitude was more along the lines of, "I can't go anymore. Sorry. Bye."
Secondly: Jay13x Pretty much nailed it. I'll go so far as to say that you were more than unreasonable, you were a dick. The worst thing you could have possibly done in that situation is make her feel bad about having to break her promise. No a promise she made does not take priority over work. She can't put her life on hold for you just like you can't do that for her. I'm a firm believer that long distance relationships don't work. My girlfriend lives an hour away and has kids and a bunch of other things that try to come between us and the mere the hours that we spend apart are painful but I'm understanding of her needs as she's understanding of mine. I do everything I can to not make her feel bad about leaving, and while sometimes I fail at it, I understand that she doesn't do it by choice. If she had the option we'd spend every second of every day together. You'll never conduct a successful relationship as long as you're as selfish as you described in your OP.
Well, the love thing we've both been saying to each other even since before we made anything official. It's possible to develop intense feelings toward each other before actually meeting. Considering the fact that we've been talking every day for the last four months, we considered ourselves "together" long before we met.
I just refused to put a label on things until we met, considering the whole Manti Te'o thing from last year.
That aside, the rest of your point is well taken.
Again, no one is asking to put her whole life on hold. And it's not a whim. Plans were made.
What bothers me is that she made two separate promises to me: (1) that she would see me on the 16th, and (2) that she would mention it in the interview to see if it was possible to work around the 16th (e.g., start working the week after). Questions like, "when are you able to start working?" are pretty commonplace during the interview process.
I would've been okay if she mentions to the interviewer that she has plans on the 16th and the boss is unwilling to cooperate. I would've also been okay if she tells me ahead of time that she's really uncomfortable bringing up these vacation plans during the interview and asks me ahead of time if it's okay to cancel our plans.
Neither of those things above happened: she promised to bring it up, blew off her promise, and then is acting like she didn't do anything wrong by breaking her word.
In this economy, a job comes before a booty call in the minds of sensible people. And you can't just tell the boss as soon as you start the job that "I have plans."
You need to apologize and man up. Be supportive of her future life rather than thinking about yourself.
I was in a long-distance relationship and I didn't ask him to quit work to be with me. I went to see him as often as I could. It can work out, but both of you need to be committed and honest.
Again, I repeat myself: Asking for time off as soon as you start is bad. I know that. I didn't ask her for that.
But as an interviewer, do you really believe that all your interviewees don't have a life? That they don't have plans for next weekend?
"When are you able to start working?"
"I was hoping to start working after next weekend, I've actually already made plans to be out of the state next weekend."
"That's not going to work. We're pretty short on people right now and I really need you right away."
"Oh, okay. I'll see if I can swing that. Can I get back to you in two hours?"
is a very different conversation than
"When are you able to start working?"
"Immediately. I have absolutely nothing else going on in my life."
No one is asking anyone to quit anything.
If you want to talk commitment and honesty, she's the one that promised me that she'd make an effort to try to preserve our plans and then said nothing during the interview.
It's one thing if you really want the job and don't want to mention your vacation plans because you fear that might move you down the list. That's fine too. Then tell me right away that you don't want to say anything during the interview. But why promise to say something and not say anything?
Promises are often made with the best intentions. Sometimes life gets in the way.
The response I'm looking for here is, "It's not a big deal that she broke two promises and is refusing to call you. You need to be the better person here and step up," or "It's pretty bad that she broke two promises. Wait for her to call you."
Instead, all I'm getting are responses arguing points that I've already addressed.
Consider what BatterysRevenge said,
That's not even why I'm upset. I already addressed on multiple occasions now that asking for time off right away doesn't look good and that I never asked her to do that. So why are people still thinking that's what I was expecting?
ThaDeceptikon said,
Again, that response is missing the boat completely. No one asked her to make any choice.
I asked her if she's willing to mention her vacation plans during the interview. She promised she would. And then she didn't.
Why promise you'll mention it if you don't plan to mention it?
Of course you're wrong. You seriously want her to loose a job opportunity just because you don't want your expectations frustrated ?
Relationships are not like business were we sign and stick to contracts because each part are doing it purely for it's own interest. In a relationship each one should care about the other future and well being. If a promise gets in the way of it it should not be kept. What's the point of a promise if keeping it makes people miserable ?
Because circumstance changes ?
Once I promised my fiance that I would spend the carnival (some huge 10 day holiday in Brazil) with her, but my father got sick and I had to help him with a humongous amount of paper work instead. Of course she got mad at me but in the end of the day, it wasn't me apologizing ;D
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To err is human, to forgive is divine.
Usually, when you expect people to respond with A or B, and you keep hearing a repeated response that is neither of those, people are trying to tell you that you seem not to understand something - that's why the responses don't conform to expectations. Neither of those responses is the appropriate response, because the focus shouldn't be whether her actions are reasonable in the first place - the focus should be whether your actions are reasonable, because they really don't seem like it.
Let me reiterate: If you focus on whether what she did was ok, you're doing it wrong.
How you reacted was very selfish (don't take this as a pure insult, everyone is selfish in some aspects of their lives - otherwise they'd be martyrs by now) - it was entirely based on whether what happened was fair to you. If you're were in an adult relationship, your focus would be her. Now, maybe you're concerned about who would be looking out for your best interest and whether she would be fair to you. After all, how can you know for sure that she is legitimately looking out for your best interest? That might be a valid concern, but if it is, you simply are not in a mature, romantic relationship - you're simply trying to force your relationship into that.
Do you know how you know you're in an adult relationship? You don't worry about everything you're worrying about here in the first place, you know she's being as fair to you as possible, and you don't make all these calculations to protect yourself.
Now, it's unfair to expect you to just have complete faith in her like that. It's massively unfair. For all we know, she might not have your best interest in mind. In fact, I'm not even urging you to have complete faith in her. The key thing to understand here is that no one here is expecting or urging you to be in an adult relationship; it's just something you're already in, or it isn't.
And it really appears that you aren't. It just seems like you're simply trying to be.
You seem to like this girl; you seem to really like her, and I think you may want to be in love - but it doesn't work like that, we don't choose who we love. People who really love each other don't treat each other like you're treating her; they don't try to protect themselves from each other in case they're being treated unfairly, they're fully exposed. You are entirely focused on protecting yourself here, making sure that you're being treated fairly, that what you do is in your best interest, and don't seem to be at all concerned with how difficult you've made things for her.
Maybe she did put in 100% of what's reasonable, perhaps she didn't - but it doesn't matter. If you're unsure whether she really did her best, if the answer isn't 'obviously she did all she could', then the game's already up - you're not ready for an adult relationship, at least with this girl, at least right now.
And that's not a failure, it's not something you're necessarily suppose to 'correct', it's just the truth.
If you want to give this relationship the chance to evolve into a romantic, adult relationship, you need to stop playing this 'was she in the wrong' game, immediately and truthfully apologize for making things harder on her, and just hope that she's already focused on you enough to let how horribly you've treated her slide. ... and maybe she won't. ... and maybe it isn't even a good idea. ... but that's the path man.
If you want someone you can trust completely, you need to start trusting them completely and assuming that she had good reason to handle things exactly how she did. Whether that's what you really want though is up to you.
Although, just between you and me, even if you determine that you're not ready for this sort of thing, call the poor thing up and apologize for being a jerk, because trust me -THAT'S the guy you want be. Not this other guy.
You are wrong. Her circumstances changed, you can't hold someone to a promise she made when she didn't have work to worry about. It's also not appropriate to ask for time off in your interview or your first week on the job. She probably got scared and nervous, because this job is a big deal to her. The thing is, you can't hold someone accountable to everything they tell you when the reality is that real life happens and sometimes people fall short of our expectations. You should always look at the situation first. I get that you're hurt by what feels like a betrayal, but think about it like this: Did she actually promise you unprompted that she would ask, or did you push her into it while talking with her (it sounds like it was the latter)? Was it really fair for you to do so? If you want to be successful long-distance, communication has to be extremely open and honest, and you shouldn't push someone into a position where they feel like they have to choose between things that are important to them. More importantly, you need to realize that your significant other is going to do things that hurt you and that you feel are wrong, and you're going to need to suck it up and be the bigger person, because winning the argument or the fight isn't worth the bitterness. Even more importantly, you're going to want that consideration in return sometime.
You should call her. Don't play the 'she needs to come to me game', because you will never win that way and it ultimately comes across as petty, not matter how right you may or may not be. The situation already sucks, don't make it worse.
Be patient and wait for her to find the time to come visit properly, or break up with her. It sounds like you really need to find someone closer by, where you can get the experience you need for being in a relationship without the additional stress of long-distance. Relationships aren't about a 1:1 ratio on fairness, sometimes you just have to let things go. Long-distance relationships are a huge enough challenge without these kinds of stand-offs. Communication is all you have, and if you cut it off it can go downhill very quickly.
Now, if you had already paid the $700 for the trip? You would need to break-up with her, and in either case you shouldn't be shelling out that kind of money for a relatively new relationship, so if you had lost it I would have told you to take it as a very important (and expensive) lesson learned - don't put any money into a relationship you aren't willing to lose. There will always be someone closer by, and it really doesn't sound like it's worth the money (on your own expense) to fly her out to you for a relatively new relationship for someone who is new to relationships. If she can't afford to visit you after you've already paid to visit her, you're probably at very different places in your life.
And if she's valuing a minimum wage job over seeing you, it's clear that her priorities are different than your own. It sounds like you're already out of school, is that right? If so, you both may be in very different places in your life, and if your goals aren't the same or running on the same timeline, a long-distance relationship is just going to end badly for both of you. It might be hard to see while you're still in the honeymoon phase of the relationship, but it's probably painfully obvious to your friends and family. Ask them their honest opinion, and make sure to take them seriously and not react negatively if they say something you don't want to hear.
I seriously recommend apologizing but breaking it off before either of you become more committed and before you spend serious money flying her out to you.
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[Primer] Krenko | Azor | Kess | Zacama | Kumena | Sram | The Ur-Dragon | Edgar Markov | Daretti | Marath
Some parts of more important than others, but I really don't think anything else needs saying.
If you're disinterested in being an adult about this and heeding the advice of BR, rxavage and Jay13x, that's up to your discretion; but, particularly if you're ungrateful about it, don't expect for people to offer you any constructive advice or any pearls of wisdom.
I can understand that honouring a promise or something is, in principle and as a principle, important, but think bigger picture and try to understand things as she would or a reasonable person would. I am not suggesting that you're immature, but you certainly sound like you have a long way to go before and can do more maturing and growing.
Whether or not your thing works out, you'd do well to communicate better and to think of not only of yourself or of the other person but of yourselves. This is something that you and that other person should bear in mind. However, you should do this while striking a balance between what is socially acceptable as well as what is palatable to the both of you. You can't squeeze blood out of a stone, just as you can't force a relationship and your actions and words must be consistent with each other and with that fact.
The way this sounds, I really think that you won't end up with this girl and have the relationship that you sound like you would like. It'd be for the best for you, for her, and for everyone and everything else. You may have gotten on well and you may get on okay, but it doesn't sound like you can deal with the downs in relationships in a constructive manner, together. If you continue along the trajectory, one of you will probably end up doing the whole Internet chat thing again and both of you will be dejected, unfulfilled, and bitter.
If you really want to fight for this, you have to fight yourself and conquer your issues and either shape up or ship out. She also has to work at this or you guys are just doomed.
This is the important part and I didn't want it to get buried at the bottom of a long post.
Life in unfair and sucks sometimes. You ought to apologize. Not to make things right, not to get back together or anything, just because it's the right and decent thing to do.
I do appreciate that you're the first legitimate response that I've gotten. I don't necessarily agree with what you said: I feel like there are plenty of relationships where each person still looks out for themselves. (For example, I just saw an episode of Penn & Teller: Bullshhh where an engaged couple went to get a polygraph to make sure they had been faithful to each other.) I still believe that she's committed a grave sin against me. In my estimation, dishonesty is dishonesty: whether it comes in the form of breaking a promise or being unfaithful.
But I think the point of me making the post is to see whether or not others agree with me, to find out if I'm right or wrong.
Obviously, I'm going to believe that I'm right; it's human nature for us to always agree with ourselves. The reason why I posted was to get either words of agreement or words of dissent and I'd be doing myself a disservice if ignore all dissent. The point is to accept dissent and try to change my opinion to something that conforms with others (i.e., the unbiased and "right" opinion, rather than my biased opinion).
Clearly, you don't agree but your dissent is appreciated because it comes from a complete understanding of my situation.
You understand I'm not upset because she chose a job over me. You understand I'm upset because she lied to me.
Another person completely misses the point. You're wrong on two separate points, even though I'm beaten both of these points like a dead horse.
1. She's not asking for "time off" during the first week of the job. Part of the interview process is to determine availability and a start date. Often times, it's professional courtesy to give your current employer two weeks notice before you leave. In fact, it's pretty rare that you get hired immediately during the interview process and begin work immediately.
I've asked this question multiple times and no one has given me a direct yes or no yet: if you're interviewing a potential candidate, do you really expect that person to not have a life? Isn't it completely reasonable that someone has plans a week in advance?
Do you know what you're doing next weekend? Not ten weeks from now, not six months from now, not three years from now. Next weekend is right around the corner; it's completely reasonable to have plans.
2. But point 1 isn't even the reason I'm mad. If she wanted to start immediately, then she should've just told me that wants to start immediately. Why promise me the night before she'll mention her vacation plans and then not mention them? It's a matter of trust and honesty. It's not about her choosing the job over me.
I'm not ungrateful about the feedback that I get if that feedback is actually relevant. People are talking about apples when I'm talking about oranges.
People are telling me I'm unreasonable because I'm not letting her work. When in actuality, I want her to work! If they're telling me one thing and I'm already doing it, then their advice is moot.
Maybe if I repeat it again, it'll finally sink in: I want her to work! I want her to go to school! And if that cuts into our time together, then so be it. Just don't lie about it.
I don't understand this point; could you clarify? If you think I ought to apologize, not to get back together, but because it's the right thing to do, am I to follow that you think I'm in the wrong? It's fine if you think I'm in the wrong, but I'd like to know.
I understand apologizing because it's the decent thing to do. Being the bigger person and putting both our minds at ease with some closure (and getting rid of the bad karma, if you believe that) is the decent thing to do.
But if I'm not wrong, then how is it the right thing to do?
One dictionary defines "apologize" as
What fault or offense did I commit? Because I overreacted at her reneging on her word? Am I taking this promise too seriously? This is a genuine question, not a condescending one: is this how relationships work, people promise things based on how they hope things will turn out and when real life gets in the way, they just shrug off their promises?
To make it the right thing to do means it fits the actual definition of "apologize".
Yeah, you pretty much missed the whole point of the post.
It's not about who is visiting who. It's about her saying one thing and doing the opposite; it's about her word being meaningless.
Warning for Spam. Please don't post without contributing to the conversation. - Jay13x
I think you're missing my point, actually - I recognize that you're mad because she broke her promise. Please remember that I am now happily married to a woman I was in a long-term relationship with for three years I really want to help you succeed here, so don't take anything I'm saying as being negative towards you, you've already said you don't have much experience and you're making rookie mistakes. The last post's comments about the job were me trying to think about her perspective with a first job.
She didn't do as she promised because she was probably scared to once she got in to the actual interview, which you've already stated is for her first/new job, not because of a callous disregard for your feelings. She's young, and she's going to make mistakes. You both are. You've compounded the problem in the way you reacted to it.
You're right that openness and honesty are important in a relationship, but cutting off communication because you're hurt is immature. It's the thing I've hated about every woman I've ever broken up with, and it was one of the major reasons I broke up with them, because when they were hurt or upset they would just shut down communication.
The point here is that you've done the greater harm to your relationship by overreacting than she did by breaking her promise. You have a right to be upset with her, I'm not saying that you shouldn't be upset by any means, but how you react to being hurt matters just as much as how you were hurt.
If you want to fix your relationship, call her back and apologize for overreacting, and work to fix the emotional gap that has developed between you. You may find you get the apology you want by doing so. Ultimatums never work in a relationship (in fact, they're frequently the end of relationships, or the death knell), so never give your SO an either-or choice (either you do this, or we're not talking). Keep communication up to give them time and a chance to talk it out or apologize without having to hurt their pride, because most people will rather spite you than wound their own pride.
TerribleBad at Magic since 1998.A Vorthos Guide to Magic Story | Twitter | Tumblr
[Primer] Krenko | Azor | Kess | Zacama | Kumena | Sram | The Ur-Dragon | Edgar Markov | Daretti | Marath
It doesn't matter who's right or wrong. Talking to a bunch of anonymous MTG players online is not going to save your relationship. Talking to your girlfriend might. Maybe you should do that if you value this girl.
Thank you. These are the types of responses I was looking for rather than "your girlfriend shouldn't have to choose between a job and you," seeing as how I never made her make that choice.
In my opinion, she's the one cutting off communication. I told her that I don't like being the only one trying in the relationship. I begged her to start calling me first or for her to text me first. She hasn't.
I think that everyone is pretty much in agreement that I overreacted. Again, I don't believe that I did.
But it comes to the point where everyone else is telling me that and that I have to understand that I won't know I'm wrong unless I just take it on faith based on the opinions of countless others.
See the communication note above.