Had the folks meet the girlfriend's folks this Christmas, and even though everyone maintained a shell of civility during uncomfortable social situations, one thing was painfully clear to me:
My parents are pariahs.
Between multiple racist remarks (which previously I had only heard them make in their own home), my mom taking over my gf's mom's kitchen, my stepfather antagonizing my gf's father, and both of them repeatedly broadcasting to the house horrible news stories they were reading that were totally inconsequential to any of us, it became pretty clear that they're not fit for general consumption.
What do you do in this situation? I'm tempted to just call them out on everything, but they're stubborn and indignant, so I'm not sure it'll even do anything.
Dude, I feel for you. I am sure many of the people here have at least one parent who resembles yours. Love or hate them, parents are parents. Yours are most likely in their 50s or 60s and entrenched in their ways.
Slowly but steadily, you could try to get them to reflect on what they are doing or saying and they may change, but you yourself can't change them.
If you can't successfully get them to reflect, more likely because of your own deficiencies in communication with them or because it's not worth the effort, simply be your own person and keep them at a distance. Occasionally perhaps call them to wish them a happy birthday, merry Christmas and happy New Year, etc. but leave it at that.
Between multiple racist remarks (which previously I had only heard them make in their own home), my mom taking over my gf's mom's kitchen
Such as? Of what nature? Relating to your girlfriend?
my stepfather antagonizing my gf's father, and both of them repeatedly broadcasting to the house horrible news stories they were reading that were totally inconsequential to any of us, it became pretty clear that they're not fit for general consumption.
How?
Dude, this sounds all pretty weird yet nothing new to me.
I suppose you get extra credit for growing up well-adjusted despite your parents. And your GF and her parents get credit for avoiding open conflict.
So it's an interesting dynamic to have children teaching their parents. It tends to take some time for parents to adjust to thinking of their kids as adults and as peers.
In this situation, since no one else that was there that night is going to tell them the truth, so it sort of falls on you by default. I would try and express my views in as non-confrontational manner as possible. My siblings and I will also talk to each other and ensure we're on the same page. We occasionally trade off as well - some of us are better at delivering certain messages to the parents than others.
We've tried direct conflict a couple times to resounding failure, so I wouldn't personally recommend that approach.
Dude, I feel for you. I am sure many of the people here have at least one parent who resembles yours. Love or hate them, parents are parents. Yours are most likely in their 50s or 60s and entrenched in their ways.
Slowly but steadily, you could try to get them to reflect on what they are doing or saying and they may change, but you yourself can't change them.
If you can't successfully get them to reflect, more likely because of your own deficiencies in communication with them or because it's not worth the effort, simply be your own person and keep them at a distance. Occasionally perhaps call them to wish them a happy birthday, merry Christmas and happy New Year, etc. but leave it at that.
Luckily I live pretty far away from them and don't have to deal with them often, so keeping them at a distance is a literal thing for me
Such as? Of what nature? Relating to your girlfriend?
Not relating to my gf, but just in general.
When one asks the other to do something or get something, a common reply is "my skin isn't any darker than yours!"
They'll sometimes refer to other ethnicities becoming more common in a place or area as "the tribes moving in."
Quite frankly it's pretty embarrassing. I don't know where the hell they picked up this kind of attitude. It's disturbing that they think like this at all.
Dude, this sounds all pretty weird yet nothing new to me.
My stepfather has obnoxious ways of challenging people on things for no reason at all. Ask him something like "Would you like something to drink?" and he'll reply with "Well I don't know, do you think I should drink something? Are you going to offer me something I like?"
He'll also talk about you in the third person in front of your face, and infer things about you that aren't accurate. For example, "Oh, Jeff thinks he knows everything about football."
He also acts like a tough guy and likes to tell tales of his tough guyishness. He'll pick fights in traffic, at restaurants, wherever really, and over very dumb things.
Lastly, my parents know some wealthy acquaintances (they, however, aren't wealthy) and like to toss their interactions with those acquaintances, along with their acquaintances vast wealth, into conversations for no apparent reason. It's very uncomfortable; they have this pretentious look about them as if others should be impressed that they know such affluent people.
I suppose you get extra credit for growing up well-adjusted despite your parents. And your GF and her parents get credit for avoiding open conflict.
So it's an interesting dynamic to have children teaching their parents. It tends to take some time for parents to adjust to thinking of their kids as adults and as peers.
In this situation, since no one else that was there that night is going to tell them the truth, so it sort of falls on you by default. I would try and express my views in as non-confrontational manner as possible. My siblings and I will also talk to each other and ensure we're on the same page. We occasionally trade off as well - some of us are better at delivering certain messages to the parents than others.
We've tried direct conflict a couple times to resounding failure, so I wouldn't personally recommend that approach.
That's the weird thing; this is a somewhat recent development, or at least if they did this before I was somehow not aware of it.
My gf, her parents, and I are all on the same page about the issues with my parents' behavior, but it'll probably be on me to deliver the news.
It's not really advice, but this isn't uncommon at all and something that sort of goes along with merging families. I wish I could say that moving 1200 miles away from home had nothing to do with situations like this, but that would be a lie.
You have the complete same setup as my parents. Moms side are a bunch of whiners, doom and gloom spreaders, argumentative, and poor political minded folks. My dad's side are quiet, non-political participants, silent working, and difficult to ask for assistance when taxed (you asking them if they need help).
There is no solution. You will have to accept them or have awkward dinner table setups. Also, this might be a sign that it might not work out for you and GF if this keeps up. She may become a copy of them in later life cause that is the comfortable world she knows. My mom does this for short time when she goes to see her folks and a few days afterward. Thus you need to decide if this acceptable or begin the search for a new GF. It gets worse when they age into their mind regression stage if that happens (Alzheimer's). They make the worst patients as well.
Both sides of my family only met once. They could not tolerate each or did not care to meet each other again as the distance was to far. They still asked if the other was still around. Here is the game plan my dad, sister, and, I follow. Cook all meals as it keeps you busy and talk limited. Stay away for politics, economy, and news in general. Sports and weather are good topics if that works for you. If you need an emergency exit; say you need ice and make a run for the car.
Good luck soldier.
I think this is somewhat normal to come to an age and figure out that you don't really know who your parents are. I had the same experience at college - up until that time, I saw them only as (imperfect) authority figures, not as people. Once I saw them as people, I spent time actually observing them and uncovered all sorts of things about them. I was mostly pleasantly surprised - I'm sorry to hear that you had the opposite awareness experience.
I'm going to come right out and say that I don't think you can fix your parents. 1) You have a credibility problem. One of them saw you in diapers and "taught you everything you know." 2) You don't have much in the way of leverage. 3) Your parents don't appear to know they are broken. 4) Your parent's don't appear to want to change.
Even if your parents move in the right direction, they are certainly not going to be "fixed" by the time they are giving toasts at your wedding.
So I would approach it as a rest-of-your-life situation. Not that your parents are going to be the same forever, but that you are going to be dealing with them and their insecurities and ignorance for the rest of your life.
I think the first step is just to figure out what kind of relationship you can have and want to have with them. This was a big deal for me - figuring out what common ground we had as adults (beyond our shared history) took a long time. You might decide that isolation is best for the time being. Hopefully there is eventually something of your history to salvage, but you likely have enough of your own growing up in front of you over the next few years that you may not need to take on their problems as well right now.
After you've figured out who your parents are now and what that relationship looks like, take it slow. Follow basic conflict resolution rules - i.e., avoid absolutes and labels like, "You're racist." Try, "it bothers me when you make a reference to skin color."
They sound like jerks. However, be aware that no one blames you for your parents. My mother is a bit of a pariah, mainly due to the weird topics she likes to talk about and some serious non-sequiturs she drops in normal conversations. Anyone who makes fun of you or puts it on you isn't worth your time.
The best man at my wedding, after his speech I was going around talking to my guests and told his parents about how nice it was, and their only response was 'at least he's done something right'. At his wedding, they were even worse.
My advice to you is simply to avoid inviting them to anything they wouldn't already be coming to or that it would be impolite to not invite them to. Generally, they won't be invited back when they are behaving poorly, anyway. It's not worth confronting them over.
My bad. I thought is was your GF's parents. How did I confuse that? In that case, give my post to your GF for her use. Dude, that is just bad luck and be thankful you know the differnce of right and wrong etiquette. You will never change them cause of "powder baby butt syndrome".
Wow, lots of good replies here, thanks for taking the time to respond.
I moved about 2500 miles away from them when I went to school because things were at the point where my step father and I were going to come to blows. Since then I see them 1-2x a year on average, but less so over the past 3 years.
It sounds like this is one of those things you either grin and bear or go toe to toe on and risk a blow up. Honestly I'd be happier without them in my life; the only reason I keep any kind of relationship is because I think they'd be hurt without it. There's a not so small part of me that is ambivalent to the idea of sending those bridges ablaze.
There is probably middle ground between toe-to-toe conflict and disowning them. Maybe think of it like turning an oil tanker - you (gently!) apply pressure on the rudder and a quarter of a mile later you start to see some effect. At least, that's been my experience.
Love them and lead by example. Really the only constructive way to deal with stubborn people, and probably one of the most effective ways even to deal with people that will listen to you...
Your (step?)dad sounds like a mega jerk, with masculinity issues. And your folks in general come off like snobs.
The racist stuff in these older generations is something that's ingrained in them. That 'tribes moving in' or stuff is just tired old humor rooted in what is now backwards culture.
I feel for ya but it sounds like you should move on if you can. I would have no qualms about mooching off them, personally
You don't have to burn any bridges, but if you and your gf are serious, or if you're serious about having your own life, their part in it will shrink away on its own.
You don't call "dying to removal" if the removal is more expensive in resources than the creature. If you have to spend BG (Abrupt Decay), or W + basic land (PtE) to remove a 1G, that is not "dying to removal". Strictly speaking Goyf dies to removal, but actually your removal is dying to Goyf.
My parents are pariahs.
Between multiple racist remarks (which previously I had only heard them make in their own home), my mom taking over my gf's mom's kitchen, my stepfather antagonizing my gf's father, and both of them repeatedly broadcasting to the house horrible news stories they were reading that were totally inconsequential to any of us, it became pretty clear that they're not fit for general consumption.
What do you do in this situation? I'm tempted to just call them out on everything, but they're stubborn and indignant, so I'm not sure it'll even do anything.
Anyone else run into this?
Want to be a better Magic player? Read the rulings forum and check out the comprehensive rules!
Slowly but steadily, you could try to get them to reflect on what they are doing or saying and they may change, but you yourself can't change them.
If you can't successfully get them to reflect, more likely because of your own deficiencies in communication with them or because it's not worth the effort, simply be your own person and keep them at a distance. Occasionally perhaps call them to wish them a happy birthday, merry Christmas and happy New Year, etc. but leave it at that.
Sure as heck don't call them out on everything.
Such as? Of what nature? Relating to your girlfriend?
How?
Dude, this sounds all pretty weird yet nothing new to me.
So it's an interesting dynamic to have children teaching their parents. It tends to take some time for parents to adjust to thinking of their kids as adults and as peers.
In this situation, since no one else that was there that night is going to tell them the truth, so it sort of falls on you by default. I would try and express my views in as non-confrontational manner as possible. My siblings and I will also talk to each other and ensure we're on the same page. We occasionally trade off as well - some of us are better at delivering certain messages to the parents than others.
We've tried direct conflict a couple times to resounding failure, so I wouldn't personally recommend that approach.
Yep, 50's and 60's. Nailed it.
Luckily I live pretty far away from them and don't have to deal with them often, so keeping them at a distance is a literal thing for me
Not relating to my gf, but just in general.
When one asks the other to do something or get something, a common reply is "my skin isn't any darker than yours!"
They'll sometimes refer to other ethnicities becoming more common in a place or area as "the tribes moving in."
Quite frankly it's pretty embarrassing. I don't know where the hell they picked up this kind of attitude. It's disturbing that they think like this at all.
My stepfather has obnoxious ways of challenging people on things for no reason at all. Ask him something like "Would you like something to drink?" and he'll reply with "Well I don't know, do you think I should drink something? Are you going to offer me something I like?"
He'll also talk about you in the third person in front of your face, and infer things about you that aren't accurate. For example, "Oh, Jeff thinks he knows everything about football."
He also acts like a tough guy and likes to tell tales of his tough guyishness. He'll pick fights in traffic, at restaurants, wherever really, and over very dumb things.
Lastly, my parents know some wealthy acquaintances (they, however, aren't wealthy) and like to toss their interactions with those acquaintances, along with their acquaintances vast wealth, into conversations for no apparent reason. It's very uncomfortable; they have this pretentious look about them as if others should be impressed that they know such affluent people.
That's the weird thing; this is a somewhat recent development, or at least if they did this before I was somehow not aware of it.
My gf, her parents, and I are all on the same page about the issues with my parents' behavior, but it'll probably be on me to deliver the news.
Want to be a better Magic player? Read the rulings forum and check out the comprehensive rules!
WUBRGPauper Battle BoxWUBRG ... and why I am not a fan of Wayne Reynolds' Illustrations.
There is no solution. You will have to accept them or have awkward dinner table setups. Also, this might be a sign that it might not work out for you and GF if this keeps up. She may become a copy of them in later life cause that is the comfortable world she knows. My mom does this for short time when she goes to see her folks and a few days afterward. Thus you need to decide if this acceptable or begin the search for a new GF. It gets worse when they age into their mind regression stage if that happens (Alzheimer's). They make the worst patients as well.
Both sides of my family only met once. They could not tolerate each or did not care to meet each other again as the distance was to far. They still asked if the other was still around. Here is the game plan my dad, sister, and, I follow. Cook all meals as it keeps you busy and talk limited. Stay away for politics, economy, and news in general. Sports and weather are good topics if that works for you. If you need an emergency exit; say you need ice and make a run for the car.
Good luck soldier.
Multiplayer Decks- Memnarch - Animar, Soul of Elements - Zur, the Enchanter - Atraxa, Praetors' Voice - Food Chain Tazri - Teysa Karlov
Modern BUMill and Bant Spirits.
Thank you Xenphire for the signature!
I'm going to come right out and say that I don't think you can fix your parents. 1) You have a credibility problem. One of them saw you in diapers and "taught you everything you know." 2) You don't have much in the way of leverage. 3) Your parents don't appear to know they are broken. 4) Your parent's don't appear to want to change.
Even if your parents move in the right direction, they are certainly not going to be "fixed" by the time they are giving toasts at your wedding.
So I would approach it as a rest-of-your-life situation. Not that your parents are going to be the same forever, but that you are going to be dealing with them and their insecurities and ignorance for the rest of your life.
I think the first step is just to figure out what kind of relationship you can have and want to have with them. This was a big deal for me - figuring out what common ground we had as adults (beyond our shared history) took a long time. You might decide that isolation is best for the time being. Hopefully there is eventually something of your history to salvage, but you likely have enough of your own growing up in front of you over the next few years that you may not need to take on their problems as well right now.
After you've figured out who your parents are now and what that relationship looks like, take it slow. Follow basic conflict resolution rules - i.e., avoid absolutes and labels like, "You're racist." Try, "it bothers me when you make a reference to skin color."
The best man at my wedding, after his speech I was going around talking to my guests and told his parents about how nice it was, and their only response was 'at least he's done something right'. At his wedding, they were even worse.
My advice to you is simply to avoid inviting them to anything they wouldn't already be coming to or that it would be impolite to not invite them to. Generally, they won't be invited back when they are behaving poorly, anyway. It's not worth confronting them over.
TerribleBad at Magic since 1998.A Vorthos Guide to Magic Story | Twitter | Tumblr
[Primer] Krenko | Azor | Kess | Zacama | Kumena | Sram | The Ur-Dragon | Edgar Markov | Daretti | Marath
Multiplayer Decks- Memnarch - Animar, Soul of Elements - Zur, the Enchanter - Atraxa, Praetors' Voice - Food Chain Tazri - Teysa Karlov
Modern BUMill and Bant Spirits.
Thank you Xenphire for the signature!
I moved about 2500 miles away from them when I went to school because things were at the point where my step father and I were going to come to blows. Since then I see them 1-2x a year on average, but less so over the past 3 years.
It sounds like this is one of those things you either grin and bear or go toe to toe on and risk a blow up. Honestly I'd be happier without them in my life; the only reason I keep any kind of relationship is because I think they'd be hurt without it. There's a not so small part of me that is ambivalent to the idea of sending those bridges ablaze.
Thanks again for the replies
Want to be a better Magic player? Read the rulings forum and check out the comprehensive rules!
Good luck!
The racist stuff in these older generations is something that's ingrained in them. That 'tribes moving in' or stuff is just tired old humor rooted in what is now backwards culture.
I feel for ya but it sounds like you should move on if you can. I would have no qualms about mooching off them, personally
You don't have to burn any bridges, but if you and your gf are serious, or if you're serious about having your own life, their part in it will shrink away on its own.
"OH GOD MY BRAIN IS EXPLOADING AT HOW BAD THE ART IS ON MY OWN CARD"
-A friend's first impression of Ancestral Recall
10/10, I tapped.