Hey there, guys and gals. I was recently chatting with an acquaintance via facebook about him taking over for me at the mtg club at the local library in the city I used to live in.
We strayed from the subject a bit when he asked if I had dated somebody (let's call her Emily). I said that we had dated for almost 4 years, but had broken it off in March, and that she is currently dating somebody else (let's call him Mark). He laughs and says something to the effect of 'yea, she's dating my girlfriend's ex'. I confirm that it's the same guy I thought it was, and he casually informs me that he (mark) has been cheating on her (emily) for the past few months, and has even tried to reconsile things with my friend's girlfriend (the mother of his (marks) 3 children).
So, the jist of the situation is that my ex is dating a guy who is cheating on her and attempting to be with somebody else. I haven't spoken to my ex since we split (3 1/2 years is a long time and it ended abruptly and in a spectacular fashion) but I do still care for her. I don't know if she's aware of this deception, and I don't want her to get hurt in the event that she finds out in a less than opportunistic way (walking in on him with somebody else, etc).
I have no proof of the infidelities, but it's fairly well known in my circle of friends that I'm an honest person, and I can comfortably say that I never lied to her while we were together (barring white lies such as 'you don't snore THAT much).
So I suppose I have a couple questions here...
1. Do I even bother trying to tell her?
2. Would she believe me if I attempt #1?
3. If I tell her and she does believe me, am I then obligated to continue conversing with her after the fact? (I'm in a new relationship, and I'd rather not risk that by talking to an ex, as my gf is a bit (read: massively) jealous.
How reliable is this information? It goes without saying that you shouldn't act at all unless you are 100% sure he is cheating on her.
There's a lot of missing context here that could easily change what you should and should not do, but ultimately telling her is the decent thing to do. The only question is if getting involved is worth the hassle it'll bring on you, because getting involved in an ex' messy business is likely to cause a hassle for you in some way even if your intentions are true. With this many volatile players in this situation, someone along the way will react badly to you getting involved. So while telling her is a decent thing to do, it in all likelihood isn't a smart/right thing for you to do. I'm not even sure if going to Mark and telling him to tell Emily because people know and it will get back to her anyway is a good thing to do.
Bottom line is I don't believe you can get involved and not bring drama on yourself. It may just be best to stay out of your ex' mess.
I refuse to talk to Mark, as I feel like, if I attempt, I might end up losing my cool and pummeling him into oblivion. The information is fairly reliable as the guy that told me has no reason to lie to me and was legitimately upset at the idea of losing his girlfriend to this tool. I also don't doubt the info from what I know of him. (My ex and I were on the verge of a breakup and attempting to work things out when he started weaseling his way in by visiting her at work, buying her lunch, saying he just needed somebody to talk to about his problems with his ex, etc)
As sad as it is to say, I'd kind of used to being involved in teenage-esque drama, so that probably wouldn't bother me all that much.
I guess the problem I'm having is that, while I know that it's not really in my best interest to get involved, I did date the woman for almost 4 years and I would, at the very least, feel super guilty for having the knowledge and not using it to prevent a possible future heartbreak.
Unfortunately, she's also the type of person that likes to believe the best about whomever she's with until the very last second. Take me, for instance. There was a rumor going around town that I was a huge cocaine addict (funny story, actually) and everybody that heard the story took it as fact immediately, save her.
Also, should be noted that I live almost 3 hours away from her and I'm incapable of getting there right now due to work hours going down and funds being super tight, so I'd have to resort to a facebook message, which seems like the absolute worst and least believable means of telling her.
I'd talk to your current girlfirend about the situation before deciding whether or not to tell said ex-gf, this addresses the jealosuy issue as well as providing another potentuially useful source of advice.
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I'm a control player, because I like to reserve the right to say no.
Having been around several of those types of guys in my circle of friends, don't dish the dirt to your ex until you have 100% proof, and be prepared for that guy to want to whoop your butt either way for interfering with his relationships.
I would stay far out of it. Only four things can happen
1) He is cheating, you tell her, she believes you. (Good)
2) He is cheating, you tell her, she doesn't believe you (Bad)
3) He is not cheating, you tell her he is, she believes you (Bad)
4) He is not cheating, you tell her, she doesn't believe you (Bad)
I'd go with the numbers here and stay out homie, ignore feelings, they are evil.
There is no good outcome that could come out of this.
If he is cheating on her, she'll find out soon enough, probably from someone who it's a lot less suspicious to hear from.
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Sing lustily and with good courage.
Be aware of singing as if you were half dead,
or half asleep:
but lift your voice with strength.
Be no more afraid of your voice now,
nor more ashamed of its being heard,
than when you sang the songs of Satan.
If you have her on Facebook, just mention it in passing.
"Hey, haven't heard from you for a while...but I heard something you should know from a friend of mine, that "something" being that Mark's cheating on you. You know I'm an honest guy, and I just felt you deserved to know what's going on. I'm not really comfortable discussing it beyond this, but I would advise you to keep an eye on him. I hope I'm wrong for your sake. Good luck."
Or do nothing. Your call. Shouldn't matter that your girlfriend is jealous of your ex - it's not like you two are regularly hanging out for coffee or anything, and if she's so insecure that she can't handle you talking to another woman to tell her something that may impact her future...she's probably not very secure in your relationship. That might be something you want to address with her.
2011: Best Mafia Performance (Individual) - Best Newcomer
2012: Best (False?) Role Claim - Worst Town Performance (Group) - Best Mafia Performance (Group) - Best SK Performance - Best Overall Player
2013: Best Non-SK Neutral Performance
2014: Best Town Performance (Individual) - Best Town Performance (Group) - Most Interesting Role - Best Game - Best Overall Player
2015: Worst Mafia Performance (Group) - Best Read
2016: Best Town Performance (Group) - Best Town Player - Best Overall Player
You have no way of determining whether or not the information is accurate, and she isn't going to appreciate the information coming from you.
You need to ask yourself why you care. Is she a friend you don't want to see hurt? Do you still have feelings for her and 'save the day' or at least get rid of her new boyfriend Even if you don't have ulterior motives, she will most likely think you do.
If you aren't friends still, I would recommend not getting involved, but instead just telling the person who 'knows' to tell your ex-girlfriend instead.
If you are friends, make damn sure the information is at least reliable before you go ruining her new relationship because you dislike the guy and want it to be true.
Jesus, I'd given up on this thread and then it exploded.
Couple things here.
I dated her for nearly 4 years and it ended rather abruptly (it was going downhill for a long time, but after that long, I guess you just don't expect it to actually end), and there was a point where we both thought we would get married and all that jazz, so there are and probably always will be some residual feelings there, which makes me kind of protective of her.
We are not currently friends, nor will we likely be such in the future, as I think that said residual feelings would muddy things up.
She would not believe my original source either, as the original source is dating the ex of said cheating boyfriend. From what I can gather, the cheating boyfriend and his ex don't get along, so my ex would assume that the source was just trying to make their life miserable. I believe him because telling me a lie does nothing, as he knows we haven't spoken in months and months.
I'm generally a nonviolent person, but if any course of action were to lead to the two of them breaking up and him blaming me for it and resorting to violent threats, I would drive the 3 hours to let him try, and neither of us would enjoy that. I dislike him greatly given the type of person that I perceive him to be, and that scenario would only help to prove my perceptions to be accurate, and my patience for somebody like that is slim to start with. Hurting somebody I care about would only serve to tip me past my seemingly endless breaking point.
The woman I'm with now that is somebody that I've known for over 6 years, and we had discussed being together several times over the 6 years, but I opted against it for various reasons. This led her to be rather unsure of herself and of our potential relationship and INSANELY jealous of my ex, who I started dating knowing full well that my gf wanted me very badly. However, I think that our relationship is solid enough now that I will discuss this with her, and it will be a good exercise in trust.
I was talking to a mutual friend and mentioned my concern on the matter, and she assured me that, if the information came out and they broke up, she would do her best to make sure my ex was alright, so I feel a bit better knowing she'll have some reliable support, as most of her other friends are self-centered and don't really know how to tactfully handle such situations.
Anyways, I've decided, thanks in large part to this thread's opinions, that there's no logical reason to get involved. I figure she's a smart girl, so she'll figure things out. My only concern now is that, once she does, she might approach me again. She started dating him before I even moved out, so I'm a bit concerned that he started as a means of kind of finalizing our breakup to herself. As such, realizing that he was a poor replacement might cause her to want to try again, and, aside from being unavailable, I think that our relationship has suffered irreparable damage, so I'd like to avoid that situation if at all possible. Luckily, she doesn't have my number or my address, and I can block her email and facebook, so I guess that's a non-issue.
Thanks for the advice, guys, much appreciated and super helpful.
We strayed from the subject a bit when he asked if I had dated somebody (let's call her Emily). I said that we had dated for almost 4 years, but had broken it off in March, and that she is currently dating somebody else (let's call him Mark). He laughs and says something to the effect of 'yea, she's dating my girlfriend's ex'. I confirm that it's the same guy I thought it was, and he casually informs me that he (mark) has been cheating on her (emily) for the past few months, and has even tried to reconsile things with my friend's girlfriend (the mother of his (marks) 3 children).
So, the jist of the situation is that my ex is dating a guy who is cheating on her and attempting to be with somebody else. I haven't spoken to my ex since we split (3 1/2 years is a long time and it ended abruptly and in a spectacular fashion) but I do still care for her. I don't know if she's aware of this deception, and I don't want her to get hurt in the event that she finds out in a less than opportunistic way (walking in on him with somebody else, etc).
I have no proof of the infidelities, but it's fairly well known in my circle of friends that I'm an honest person, and I can comfortably say that I never lied to her while we were together (barring white lies such as 'you don't snore THAT much).
So I suppose I have a couple questions here...
1. Do I even bother trying to tell her?
2. Would she believe me if I attempt #1?
3. If I tell her and she does believe me, am I then obligated to continue conversing with her after the fact? (I'm in a new relationship, and I'd rather not risk that by talking to an ex, as my gf is a bit (read: massively) jealous.
Thanks in advance, guys and gals.
Decks:
Sliver Queen
Nekusar, the Mindrazer (70% pimped)
Eight-and-a-Half-Tails
Animar, Soul of Elements (under construction)
Sek'Kuar, Deathkeeper (under construction)
Phelddagrif (under construction)
Sydri, Galvanic Genius (constructing list)
Standard:
Rug Prophet (4-1)
UW Angel Post (under construction)
Modern:
Mono U Wizards
BUG Tempo (theorycrafting)
Casual:
Elves vs Goblins
There's a lot of missing context here that could easily change what you should and should not do, but ultimately telling her is the decent thing to do. The only question is if getting involved is worth the hassle it'll bring on you, because getting involved in an ex' messy business is likely to cause a hassle for you in some way even if your intentions are true. With this many volatile players in this situation, someone along the way will react badly to you getting involved. So while telling her is a decent thing to do, it in all likelihood isn't a smart/right thing for you to do. I'm not even sure if going to Mark and telling him to tell Emily because people know and it will get back to her anyway is a good thing to do.
Bottom line is I don't believe you can get involved and not bring drama on yourself. It may just be best to stay out of your ex' mess.
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Excellion
Fracture: Israfiel (WBR), Wujal (URG), Valedon (GUB), Amduat (BGW), Paladris (RWU)
Collision (Set Two of the Fracture Block)
Quest for the Forsaken (Set Two of the Excellion Block)
Katingal: Plane of Chains
As sad as it is to say, I'd kind of used to being involved in teenage-esque drama, so that probably wouldn't bother me all that much.
I guess the problem I'm having is that, while I know that it's not really in my best interest to get involved, I did date the woman for almost 4 years and I would, at the very least, feel super guilty for having the knowledge and not using it to prevent a possible future heartbreak.
Unfortunately, she's also the type of person that likes to believe the best about whomever she's with until the very last second. Take me, for instance. There was a rumor going around town that I was a huge cocaine addict (funny story, actually) and everybody that heard the story took it as fact immediately, save her.
Also, should be noted that I live almost 3 hours away from her and I'm incapable of getting there right now due to work hours going down and funds being super tight, so I'd have to resort to a facebook message, which seems like the absolute worst and least believable means of telling her.
Decks:
Sliver Queen
Nekusar, the Mindrazer (70% pimped)
Eight-and-a-Half-Tails
Animar, Soul of Elements (under construction)
Sek'Kuar, Deathkeeper (under construction)
Phelddagrif (under construction)
Sydri, Galvanic Genius (constructing list)
Standard:
Rug Prophet (4-1)
UW Angel Post (under construction)
Modern:
Mono U Wizards
BUG Tempo (theorycrafting)
Casual:
Elves vs Goblins
While you may have good intentions, always keep in mind the following proverb-
"The road to hell is paved with good intentions".
1) He is cheating, you tell her, she believes you. (Good)
2) He is cheating, you tell her, she doesn't believe you (Bad)
3) He is not cheating, you tell her he is, she believes you (Bad)
4) He is not cheating, you tell her, she doesn't believe you (Bad)
I'd go with the numbers here and stay out homie, ignore feelings, they are evil.
If he is cheating on her, she'll find out soon enough, probably from someone who it's a lot less suspicious to hear from.
Be aware of singing as if you were half dead,
or half asleep:
but lift your voice with strength.
Be no more afraid of your voice now,
nor more ashamed of its being heard,
than when you sang the songs of Satan.
"Hey, haven't heard from you for a while...but I heard something you should know from a friend of mine, that "something" being that Mark's cheating on you. You know I'm an honest guy, and I just felt you deserved to know what's going on. I'm not really comfortable discussing it beyond this, but I would advise you to keep an eye on him. I hope I'm wrong for your sake. Good luck."
Or do nothing. Your call. Shouldn't matter that your girlfriend is jealous of your ex - it's not like you two are regularly hanging out for coffee or anything, and if she's so insecure that she can't handle you talking to another woman to tell her something that may impact her future...she's probably not very secure in your relationship. That might be something you want to address with her.
{мы, тьма}
2012: Best (False?) Role Claim - Worst Town Performance (Group) - Best Mafia Performance (Group) - Best SK Performance - Best Overall Player
2013: Best Non-SK Neutral Performance
2014: Best Town Performance (Individual) - Best Town Performance (Group) - Most Interesting Role - Best Game - Best Overall Player
2015: Worst Mafia Performance (Group) - Best Read
2016: Best Town Performance (Group) - Best Town Player - Best Overall Player
You need to ask yourself why you care. Is she a friend you don't want to see hurt? Do you still have feelings for her and 'save the day' or at least get rid of her new boyfriend Even if you don't have ulterior motives, she will most likely think you do.
If you aren't friends still, I would recommend not getting involved, but instead just telling the person who 'knows' to tell your ex-girlfriend instead.
If you are friends, make damn sure the information is at least reliable before you go ruining her new relationship because you dislike the guy and want it to be true.
TerribleBad at Magic since 1998.A Vorthos Guide to Magic Story | Twitter | Tumblr
[Primer] Krenko | Azor | Kess | Zacama | Kumena | Sram | The Ur-Dragon | Edgar Markov | Daretti | Marath
Couple things here.
I dated her for nearly 4 years and it ended rather abruptly (it was going downhill for a long time, but after that long, I guess you just don't expect it to actually end), and there was a point where we both thought we would get married and all that jazz, so there are and probably always will be some residual feelings there, which makes me kind of protective of her.
We are not currently friends, nor will we likely be such in the future, as I think that said residual feelings would muddy things up.
She would not believe my original source either, as the original source is dating the ex of said cheating boyfriend. From what I can gather, the cheating boyfriend and his ex don't get along, so my ex would assume that the source was just trying to make their life miserable. I believe him because telling me a lie does nothing, as he knows we haven't spoken in months and months.
I'm generally a nonviolent person, but if any course of action were to lead to the two of them breaking up and him blaming me for it and resorting to violent threats, I would drive the 3 hours to let him try, and neither of us would enjoy that. I dislike him greatly given the type of person that I perceive him to be, and that scenario would only help to prove my perceptions to be accurate, and my patience for somebody like that is slim to start with. Hurting somebody I care about would only serve to tip me past my seemingly endless breaking point.
The woman I'm with now that is somebody that I've known for over 6 years, and we had discussed being together several times over the 6 years, but I opted against it for various reasons. This led her to be rather unsure of herself and of our potential relationship and INSANELY jealous of my ex, who I started dating knowing full well that my gf wanted me very badly. However, I think that our relationship is solid enough now that I will discuss this with her, and it will be a good exercise in trust.
I was talking to a mutual friend and mentioned my concern on the matter, and she assured me that, if the information came out and they broke up, she would do her best to make sure my ex was alright, so I feel a bit better knowing she'll have some reliable support, as most of her other friends are self-centered and don't really know how to tactfully handle such situations.
Anyways, I've decided, thanks in large part to this thread's opinions, that there's no logical reason to get involved. I figure she's a smart girl, so she'll figure things out. My only concern now is that, once she does, she might approach me again. She started dating him before I even moved out, so I'm a bit concerned that he started as a means of kind of finalizing our breakup to herself. As such, realizing that he was a poor replacement might cause her to want to try again, and, aside from being unavailable, I think that our relationship has suffered irreparable damage, so I'd like to avoid that situation if at all possible. Luckily, she doesn't have my number or my address, and I can block her email and facebook, so I guess that's a non-issue.
Thanks for the advice, guys, much appreciated and super helpful.
Decks:
Sliver Queen
Nekusar, the Mindrazer (70% pimped)
Eight-and-a-Half-Tails
Animar, Soul of Elements (under construction)
Sek'Kuar, Deathkeeper (under construction)
Phelddagrif (under construction)
Sydri, Galvanic Genius (constructing list)
Standard:
Rug Prophet (4-1)
UW Angel Post (under construction)
Modern:
Mono U Wizards
BUG Tempo (theorycrafting)
Casual:
Elves vs Goblins
TerribleBad at Magic since 1998.A Vorthos Guide to Magic Story | Twitter | Tumblr
[Primer] Krenko | Azor | Kess | Zacama | Kumena | Sram | The Ur-Dragon | Edgar Markov | Daretti | Marath