First things first, I am an active member of these forums. I regularly post, and take part in discussions. This username is purely for anonymity (though I'm sure the Mods will know who I am due to my IP address, so to them, I reiterate, I seek anonymity and ask for you to respect that.)
Secondly, I have been in many relationships in my life (mostly healthy, a few unhealthy), so this is not a dating question per se, but it does have a lot to do with that.
FInally, if what I am asking is inappropriate, then I will fully respect the decision to close down this thread and delete this account.
Now, I am in a moral and emotional dilemma regarding a female friend of mine. She and I are roughly 4 years apart in age difference, with me being 21 and she 17. We have maintained very steady contact after meeting a little over a year ago, and have become very close friends. I am afraid I am developing feelings for her, and often find myself wondering what life would be like to have her as "mine", to the point where I could even imagine marrying her. We live quite aways apart since I've relocated, so all contact is through phone calls, texts, messages, and Skype. I've heard people say that the best way to fall in love with someone is without having, shall we say, intimate contact, but rather through just getting to know them on a personal level. Like the old fable where the two pen pals fall in love through letters, and when the man finally goes to meet the woman of his dreams, she is supposed to be carrying a rose when she meets him, and when he arrives, there is an unattractive lady with the rose, who tells him it was a test, and the woman he is looking for turns out to be beautiful, and just down the road, or in the coffee shop (couple of versions).
However, there is the issue of age difference, only a problem due to the fact that she is a minor (many happily married couples have much more than 4 years age difference).
I would like to hear some of your guys' input and opinions on this matter.
Yes, basically that. I'd like to take the relationship to the next level, I guess one could say. Not exactly sexually, as I think it's illegal in my state, though I don't quite know the precise terms of the law, but just on a dating level, for now. I generally prefer to keep it slow, the few unhealthy relationships I've been involved in all either begun with or initiated "early" sex, do you know what I mean?
I should add that I may be moving back near her again soon, so that's mainly why this thread exists.
Wait the year - Age of Consent is 18 in twelve states (including, I believe, yours) - and higher penalties start for adults at 21 years of age and older.
You can get in a lot of trouble with this. I had an Xbox Live 'friend' go to prison because of a similar situation, and if her parents don't approve they can make your life a living hell, and if you are charged and found guilty of sexual misconduct you go on a sex offender registry.
This includes 'sexting' and sexually explicit messages to one another. It's less than a year until she is 18, just wait, if the relationship is going to last it can wait. Honestly, a four year difference isn't a big deal in the grand scheme of things, but people change dramatically in the few years between finishing high school and starting college, and then again when they enter the work force. It's not worth risking your future over a relationship with a girl who can't even vote yet.
If you're looking to take the relationship to the next level, then do it. But keep in mind at this point, the next level would be finding out of there is a mutual interest in a relationship and then starting the dating process, not necessarily sex. If you feel like you have a real connection with this girl, then pursue it, just be safe about it. Both of my long term relationships were with girls who were younger than me. My first being a girl who turned 18 a month into our relationship (I was 20, relationship lasted about 2 years), and the next with a girl who turned 21 a couple months after we started dating (I was 26, relationship lasted about 2 1/2 years). Age is just a number, usually, so do what feels right, just be careful. It is definitely safer to wait to sleep with her until she is 18.
Legal traps (whatever the opposite of "loophole" is) will unfortunately make it so you're in the same legal category as someone who videotapes elementary school kids and posts them on onion. Lay low for 0-1 years; you can still be "homies," and maybe text/chat/email in code.
To be clear, my wife is six years older than me, my mom is five years older than my dad, my previous girlfriend was twelve years older than me, and I got nothing against this. I'm just trying to warn that many nosey people don't see it that way.
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You guys agree friends .. You've waited this long ... Just hang tight - especially if you say you're moving back to the area .... You'll want to hang out together on a friends type level for a little while before you go any further any way. Hanging out as friends IRL is different than texts and Skype and what not ... Even if you were friends before hand. Its a slight back pedal ... But it should be worth it in the end.
Well in your situation, to be frank with you, it sounds like the odds are stacked against this relationship. I say this because of both the ages of you two and the fact that you live kinda far apart.
I don't think I need to explain why distance can be a problem, but I want to clarify why I see your ages as a particular problem. I don't think difference between ages is as relevant as what those ages are. A 31 year old and a 27 year old are much more likely to be successful in a relationship than a 21 yo and a 17 yo. I think when one person is still in high school years and living with their parents, the odds are stacked against the relationship. Once high school is done and the younger person is out on their own there's a good chance that they'll want to live it up while they're young and not married yet. In high school it's cool and mature to have an older bf, in college it's kinda lame to be stuck with one guy while your friends are out meeting new guys. A girl can start to think: "I should be out there enjoying myself while I'm still young! I'm not going to have this chance again in life!" This is why a 28 yo and a 24 yo have a much better chance than a 21 yo and a 17 yo, the older couple have both gone through this "young, fun, single phase". Considering the fact that you two are a significant distance apart, it sounds even worse for the chances of this working. So... just keep that in mind.
Also, you were saying you could imagine marrying her? Slow things down there buddy! You are getting way way ahead of yourself! You don't really even know if you'd like dating her yet, right? Not mention being in a committed relationship, not to mention living together. Don't get way ahead of yourself here. Enjoy what you have while you have it and if things progress then go with it. You're a really long way from marriage right now, so think about the next step before you start planning your dream wedding.
Now with all that being said, love doesn't really care about what makes the most sense or what the odds are, does it? So go ahead and see where this goes, but try and have realistic expectations. God luck to you!
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"For small creatures such as we the vastness is bearable only through love." --Carl Sagan
I should be clear that a sexual relationship with this girl is illegal. Do not post anything that comes even close to recommending it.
Are you certain? It's different in many places. In Colorado, 17 is the age of consent if both parties are over that age and 16 is the age of consent as long as no party is 10 years older than the other.
Are you certain? It's different in many places. In Colorado, 17 is the age of consent if both parties are over that age and 16 is the age of consent as long as no party is 10 years older than the other.
As the OP mentioned, I know who he is and I checked the relevant age of consent.
Why not pursue an emotional relationship now, and hold off the physical part until she is 18 or indefinitely? There is no reason that you must sleep with this girl for there to be a relationship. You're thinking of marriage at 21? Marriages take considerable work and maturity, if you cannot wait you're probably not ready for marriage either.
One thing no one has mentioned yet is that you should not encourage this girl regarding your relationship. Young girls(and guys too!) make alot of rash decisions because they feel that they can't wait. If you said something like "When you turn 18 we can [insert literally anything here]." and she will start obsessing over it and perhaps take steps to speed things along. Recently a 15 year old girl came from Washington to my area to be with some 17 year old guy she'd been talking to online. No one knows if the guy invited her but chances are that it didn't matter.
Right now its best to offer nothing and bide your time.
What does the law say about going to go to a different state to pursue the relationship. Is it fine if you kiss outside the state but not inside the state?
What does the law say about going to go to a different state to pursue the relationship. Is it fine if you kiss outside the state but not inside the state?
That's very illegal. You'd be transporting a minor across state lines for the commission of a crime, and could land you in potential federal trouble.
That's very illegal. You'd be transporting a minor across state lines for the commission of a crime, and could land you in potential federal trouble.
What is the Mann Act?
Except from my cursory study of US law, it would not be applicable with such facts, in such a factual matrix.
I recall a case where a dude eloped with his missus and he was tried under the Act. However, prosecutors withdrew their case against him when... something or other. I think they conceded that it was absurd and that to try him would be an injustice as both dearly loved each other and did not do anything that remotely resembled a criminal act by skipping state lines.
Further, section 2423 of the US Code does not appear as though it would apply either.
OP:
Um, please just wait.
I can't believe I read that intro post.
Whatever the law states on this sort of thing (perhaps it's permissible now; would require looking into for provisions, but what a minefield!), for decency's sake, let someone hit 18 years before you do anything.
Not to rain on your parade, and perhaps you are part of the minority. Statistically, a majority of individuals don't end up with the first person they go with as is true for a relationship such as that described in the intro post.
From what I read, it doesn't look too promising or that there prospects are good.
Keep it a non-sexual and/or non-physical relationship till later.
For God's sake please wait. Just wait. Super super not worth that risk.
Also, and this is from experience, people change a lot between 17 and 21. That was when the girl who I thought i was going to marry turned into a different person. Not a bad person, just different than the one I fell in love with at 16.
After we broke up, I met a girl who was 4 years older than me (I was 20, she was 24) and we started dating in 2009, and have been married for 2.5 years.
TL;DR -
1) WAIT
2) People change a lot in their late teens early 20s
3) Age gaps really don't matter once you are both consenting adults
There is no law in dating anyone assuming, the situation is not ridiculous.
The only things that are restricted are sexual contact of any kind. I guess if the parents object at all to you dating their daughter problems could arise, but other then that it should be fine. If the next level to you is actually being just boyfriend/girlfriend then again that is irrelevant, the law only becomes a problem when the relationship gets into the realm of consensual sex.
The odds of a long distance relationship working are infinitesimal though, especially when the original relationship was not one of love and affection in the boyfriend/girlfriend world. I mean many relationships do start as friends but they are usually within local proximity, and just become that over time. The only way this thing works is if one of you moves closer to the other at one point or another which can be hard for whichever person moves.
Secondly, I have been in many relationships in my life (mostly healthy, a few unhealthy), so this is not a dating question per se, but it does have a lot to do with that.
FInally, if what I am asking is inappropriate, then I will fully respect the decision to close down this thread and delete this account.
Now, I am in a moral and emotional dilemma regarding a female friend of mine. She and I are roughly 4 years apart in age difference, with me being 21 and she 17. We have maintained very steady contact after meeting a little over a year ago, and have become very close friends. I am afraid I am developing feelings for her, and often find myself wondering what life would be like to have her as "mine", to the point where I could even imagine marrying her. We live quite aways apart since I've relocated, so all contact is through phone calls, texts, messages, and Skype. I've heard people say that the best way to fall in love with someone is without having, shall we say, intimate contact, but rather through just getting to know them on a personal level. Like the old fable where the two pen pals fall in love through letters, and when the man finally goes to meet the woman of his dreams, she is supposed to be carrying a rose when she meets him, and when he arrives, there is an unattractive lady with the rose, who tells him it was a test, and the woman he is looking for turns out to be beautiful, and just down the road, or in the coffee shop (couple of versions).
However, there is the issue of age difference, only a problem due to the fact that she is a minor (many happily married couples have much more than 4 years age difference).
I would like to hear some of your guys' input and opinions on this matter.
If its whether someone who is 21 should be with someone who is 17 I see no issue with that. Some states do however, so waiting the year is safest.
I should add that I may be moving back near her again soon, so that's mainly why this thread exists.
You can get in a lot of trouble with this. I had an Xbox Live 'friend' go to prison because of a similar situation, and if her parents don't approve they can make your life a living hell, and if you are charged and found guilty of sexual misconduct you go on a sex offender registry.
This includes 'sexting' and sexually explicit messages to one another. It's less than a year until she is 18, just wait, if the relationship is going to last it can wait. Honestly, a four year difference isn't a big deal in the grand scheme of things, but people change dramatically in the few years between finishing high school and starting college, and then again when they enter the work force. It's not worth risking your future over a relationship with a girl who can't even vote yet.
TerribleBad at Magic since 1998.A Vorthos Guide to Magic Story | Twitter | Tumblr
[Primer] Krenko | Azor | Kess | Zacama | Kumena | Sram | The Ur-Dragon | Edgar Markov | Daretti | Marath
To be clear, my wife is six years older than me, my mom is five years older than my dad, my previous girlfriend was twelve years older than me, and I got nothing against this. I'm just trying to warn that many nosey people don't see it that way.
Modern: U M'Olk; B Goodstuff
TerribleBad at Magic since 1998.A Vorthos Guide to Magic Story | Twitter | Tumblr
[Primer] Krenko | Azor | Kess | Zacama | Kumena | Sram | The Ur-Dragon | Edgar Markov | Daretti | Marath
I don't think I need to explain why distance can be a problem, but I want to clarify why I see your ages as a particular problem. I don't think difference between ages is as relevant as what those ages are. A 31 year old and a 27 year old are much more likely to be successful in a relationship than a 21 yo and a 17 yo. I think when one person is still in high school years and living with their parents, the odds are stacked against the relationship. Once high school is done and the younger person is out on their own there's a good chance that they'll want to live it up while they're young and not married yet. In high school it's cool and mature to have an older bf, in college it's kinda lame to be stuck with one guy while your friends are out meeting new guys. A girl can start to think: "I should be out there enjoying myself while I'm still young! I'm not going to have this chance again in life!" This is why a 28 yo and a 24 yo have a much better chance than a 21 yo and a 17 yo, the older couple have both gone through this "young, fun, single phase". Considering the fact that you two are a significant distance apart, it sounds even worse for the chances of this working. So... just keep that in mind.
Also, you were saying you could imagine marrying her? Slow things down there buddy! You are getting way way ahead of yourself! You don't really even know if you'd like dating her yet, right? Not mention being in a committed relationship, not to mention living together. Don't get way ahead of yourself here. Enjoy what you have while you have it and if things progress then go with it. You're a really long way from marriage right now, so think about the next step before you start planning your dream wedding.
Now with all that being said, love doesn't really care about what makes the most sense or what the odds are, does it? So go ahead and see where this goes, but try and have realistic expectations. God luck to you!
Are you certain? It's different in many places. In Colorado, 17 is the age of consent if both parties are over that age and 16 is the age of consent as long as no party is 10 years older than the other.
As the OP mentioned, I know who he is and I checked the relevant age of consent.
TerribleBad at Magic since 1998.A Vorthos Guide to Magic Story | Twitter | Tumblr
[Primer] Krenko | Azor | Kess | Zacama | Kumena | Sram | The Ur-Dragon | Edgar Markov | Daretti | Marath
Fair enough, must've missed that part.
But as others have said, wait the year. It's not that long.
G MGC
WB Teysa Tokens
BR Wortsnort
UG 23.5-No Edric
URG Noncombo Animar
GUB Damia Stax
WBR Alesha Hatebear Recursion
WBR Daddy Tariel
UBR [Je]love-a Your Deck
GWU Almost Critterless Enchantress
WUB Sydri+Artifacts=WUB
WURG Glint-Eye Combo
Right now its best to offer nothing and bide your time.
That's very illegal. You'd be transporting a minor across state lines for the commission of a crime, and could land you in potential federal trouble.
TerribleBad at Magic since 1998.A Vorthos Guide to Magic Story | Twitter | Tumblr
[Primer] Krenko | Azor | Kess | Zacama | Kumena | Sram | The Ur-Dragon | Edgar Markov | Daretti | Marath
I am pretty sure kissing a minor is allowed... just gotta keep your clothes on.
I meant the first part (switching states) not the second.
TerribleBad at Magic since 1998.A Vorthos Guide to Magic Story | Twitter | Tumblr
[Primer] Krenko | Azor | Kess | Zacama | Kumena | Sram | The Ur-Dragon | Edgar Markov | Daretti | Marath
What is the Mann Act?
Except from my cursory study of US law, it would not be applicable with such facts, in such a factual matrix.
I recall a case where a dude eloped with his missus and he was tried under the Act. However, prosecutors withdrew their case against him when... something or other. I think they conceded that it was absurd and that to try him would be an injustice as both dearly loved each other and did not do anything that remotely resembled a criminal act by skipping state lines.
Further, section 2423 of the US Code does not appear as though it would apply either.
OP:
Um, please just wait.
I can't believe I read that intro post.
Whatever the law states on this sort of thing (perhaps it's permissible now; would require looking into for provisions, but what a minefield!), for decency's sake, let someone hit 18 years before you do anything.
Not to rain on your parade, and perhaps you are part of the minority. Statistically, a majority of individuals don't end up with the first person they go with as is true for a relationship such as that described in the intro post.
From what I read, it doesn't look too promising or that there prospects are good.
Keep it a non-sexual and/or non-physical relationship till later.
This times a million.
It would be illegal under (interestingly enough) the White Slave Traffic Act.
Also, and this is from experience, people change a lot between 17 and 21. That was when the girl who I thought i was going to marry turned into a different person. Not a bad person, just different than the one I fell in love with at 16.
After we broke up, I met a girl who was 4 years older than me (I was 20, she was 24) and we started dating in 2009, and have been married for 2.5 years.
TL;DR -
1) WAIT
2) People change a lot in their late teens early 20s
3) Age gaps really don't matter once you are both consenting adults
The only things that are restricted are sexual contact of any kind. I guess if the parents object at all to you dating their daughter problems could arise, but other then that it should be fine. If the next level to you is actually being just boyfriend/girlfriend then again that is irrelevant, the law only becomes a problem when the relationship gets into the realm of consensual sex.
The odds of a long distance relationship working are infinitesimal though, especially when the original relationship was not one of love and affection in the boyfriend/girlfriend world. I mean many relationships do start as friends but they are usually within local proximity, and just become that over time. The only way this thing works is if one of you moves closer to the other at one point or another which can be hard for whichever person moves.
Feel free to bid on my cards here!