My girlfriend gave me a "special" calendar she made "herself" for Christmas last year. Noone but myself has seen it because I take it down before I leave my room or if visitors come over.
Anyway, one of my good mates comes over to play games and we head into my room and I have forgotten to take down the calendar. This was intentional because the calendar picture itself for October was just my girlfriend in a cute maid outfit, not showing anything or nudity or that. I also tied up every month other than that one together behind the October page since I don't want people viewing the "other photos" since they are R rated and for my eyes only.
He asks me if that is what I have been hiding every time he comes over, which I tell him yes, but it's appropriate. I tell him not to go through it, it is for my eyes only and that it was a special gift from my girlfriend during Christmas.
We play a few games of League of Legends, and when we finish up he starts packing his laptop up. I tell him I'll be back in a minute, I got to use the bathroom.
I come back and see my calendar off the wall, and me thinking of good intensions I think it has fallen on the floor. My friend starts to head out the door and asks me if I'm coming to see him out the door. I tell him I got to turn of my computer I'll be out in a minute. He then tells me he is really sorry but couldn't resist and looked through my calendar. I see it on my bed, with it untied with a nude page flipped to the top of the pile.
I know him and I knew he would try to cover it up and was planning on returning it to its former state by "pretending" to leave his keys behind (this is a really common excuse so I do not know what else he has done while I've left my room unintended).
Now these are a reasons what gets me mad about the situation:
- He is dating my ex-girlfriend (which I never really got frustrated about before, so you think he would respect my wishes for my love life. Me and my ex-gf are still friends.)
- He has a girlfriend
- He says I am his best friend
- He intensionally looks at his best friend's girlfriend naked
- Disobeys request
- And that he said he was sorry about it only a few seconds after looking through it.
You think as his best friend he would respect my wishes. Not only this, he has always been a sexual pig when it comes to women but I thought I was the limit. He has a girlfriend (who I informed of the situation). I feel so betrayed. How can I have him be my friend if I can't trust him?
I gave it 24 hours to cool down and think it through. I told his gf the next day of the situation and told him through text I don't want to see him again.
My mother says I should think carefully if I do want to break it off with him. My girlfriend tells me it wasn't my fault and she isn't mad at me. She knew which photo was up and tells me it was my x-friend's fault for being untrustworthy. She tells me if I decided to try and be friends with him again it is fine, but she will never talk to or be in the same room as him. As for me, I do not know if to give him a second chance, and I do want to look after my girl.
I am to hold a party this weekend and he was invited but I told his gf only she was invited now. I am told it is common courtesy to invite a couple and my mother insists I should keep to this courtesy, but I do not believe I should invite her partner. I am a gentlemen, but it seems very wrong to invite him if my girlfriend will be there too.
In conclusion, what should I do:
- Do I try and be friends with him again or kick him out of my life for being untrustworthy?
- Do I invite both him and his gf to the party or just his gf?
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In conclusion, what should I do:
- Do I try and be friends with him again or kick him out of my life for being untrustworthy?
- Do I invite both him and his gf to the party or just his gf?
I'm of the opinion that you can't leave a trap for someone and blame them when they go for it. At least the guy was upfront and came clean. That means he knows it was wrong, but he couldn't resist. That's not being untrustworthy; that's being a horny, curious dude with a porno lying out in the open.
If you don't want your kid to steal from the cookie jar, you don't put it in reach.
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"[Screw] you and the green you ramped in on." - My EDH battle cry. If I had one. Which I don't.
My girlfriend gave me a "special" calendar she made "herself" for Christmas last year. Noone but myself has seen it because I take it down before I leave my room or if visitors come over.
You have a liability you have to take into consideration the worst case scenario. This hasn't been the worst case scenario, and I will tell you what the worst case scenario is. The worst case scenario are those materials being stolen and placed online with her name being searched and those pictures coming up tooth sweet. That would follow her forever, you should not have it on the wall at all. It should be in a drawer, and one that has something on top of it so that way the only way people know it's there is if you died or hurt bad.
He was untrustworthy, as for continuing the friendship with either that's just something you're going to have to think about.
You're defending your "woman's honor," but the question is what does this friend really mean to you? Has been one of those go-to-guys that you love as a brother? You know the type. Or is he just one of those guys you like to hang with share a few beers and go your separate ways? Look at the quality of relationship you have with him, as well as it's longevity. That should determine the value of the friendship whether it's worth saving or not. If this is a drinking buddy, those are replaceable. If this guy's like your brother and been there for you and held your hand through all the years when you were down, then you'd be a fool to throwaway the relationship.
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Nothing succeeds like the appearance of success.
Here is my principle: Taxes shall be levied according to ability to pay. That is the only American principle.
I'm of the opinion that you can't leave a trap for someone and blame them when they go for it. At least the guy was upfront and came clean. That means he knows it was wrong, but he couldn't resist. That's not being untrustworthy; that's being a horny, curious dude with a porno lying out in the open.
If you don't want your kid to steal from the cookie jar, you don't put it in reach.
I'm going to agree here.
I assume you guys are in your early 20's. You friend is male. What did you think was going to happen? Its ridiculous of you to put the images out there and not expect a 20 something male to want to see them. You left it up to show-off the maid pic, you did this to yourself.
Ok, i know not everyone is going to understand or agree.
But if it were me, I would have probably have knocked him a good one. He knew damn well that wasn't meant for him and he disrespected that. For some people as long as there is not consequences they will continue to do whatever the hell they want.
On "knocking him a few times"
I know some folks are gonna say "hitting people is wrong" And its true, it is wrong. I can say that some of my best friends I have, we got into a fight at one point or another. It might have been 10+ years ago but the point is that the law got laid down those days and respect was earned and given.
disclaimer: The question asked was "What would YOU do in this situation?"
I would say to my friend "she's damn fine isn't she" and smile a devious grin.
In my opinion, there's only three reasons I'd have to be offended, either
A) I feel threatened by him
B) She should feel threatened by him
C) She's hideous and I know it
A) If I'm doing my job right as a man and a boyfriend (I'm married irl), then no other suitor should threaten my self-confidence.
B) If I'm doing my job right as a man and a boyfriend, then no suitor could sway my woman, and so my self-confidence is validated. Furthermore, if my woman should feel threatened by any one of my friends, that person should not be my friend.
C) If I'm embarrassed of my woman, I should stop being a scumbag and just end the relationship. If I'm not embarrassed of her, someone seeing her that way should be of no consequence.
I'm a 33 year old with a wife and kid, had several serious relationships growing up. These are just my opinions.
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Thanks to Xenphire @ Inkfox for the amazing new sig
“Thus strangely are our souls constructed, and by slight ligaments
are we bound to prosperity and ruin.”
― Mary Shelley, Frankenstein
I am going to leave this out in the open, but don't you dare touch it.
Yeah, that works well. Wasn't there some famous myth that started off something like that?
Bottom line, regardless of what kind of person he is, you should have known better than to have left it out in the open. This falls on you. You can certainly be upset that he didn't heed your request, but you really should be kicking yourself more for not sticking with your gut, which has always been to hide it away when someone comes over. You can't leave something out and then specifically tell someone not to touch it without them getting more than a little curious about it, especially when it involves a guy and a naked girl.
I would say to my friend "she's damn fine isn't she" and smile a devious grin.
In my opinion, there's only three reasons I'd have to be offended, either
A) I feel threatened by him
B) She should feel threatened by him
C) She's hideous and I know it
A) If I'm doing my job right as a man and a boyfriend (I'm married irl), then no other suitor should threaten my self-confidence.
B) If I'm doing my job right as a man and a boyfriend, then no suitor could sway my woman, and so my self-confidence is validated. Furthermore, if my woman should feel threatened by any one of my friends, that person should not be my friend.
C) If I'm embarrassed of my woman, I should stop being a scumbag and just end the relationship. If I'm not embarrassed of her, someone seeing her that way should be of no consequence.
I'm a 33 year old with a wife and kid, had several serious relationships growing up. These are just my opinions.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
This. I'd probably also ask if he was jealous.
You're seriously over thinking this. Just forget about and go about business as usual.
I am told it is common courtesy to invite a couple and my mother insists I should keep to this courtesy, but I do not believe I should invite her partner. I am a gentlemen, but it seems very wrong to invite him if my girlfriend will be there too.
How old are you that you are getting party advice from your mom?
I wouldnt trust him to follow directions anymore... so depending on how important that is to you, being friends with him is up to you. But seriously... invite who you want to your party... dont worry about what your mom thinks and courtesy. It is your party. Invite who you want to be there.
I'm amazed by the acceptance of the behavior and blame the victim in this thread.
By the same logic if a girl wearing provocative clothing gets raped, Its her fault.
Seriously this is about trust, and if you can't trust your "best friend" not to look at your private business. He isn't your "best friend" and her certainly doesn't respect the friendship.
I'm amazed by the acceptance of the behavior and blame the victim in this thread.
Incorrect. The real victim here is the girlfriend. This guy shouldn't be putting her pictures out in the open if she's intended them for his eyes only.
If anyone can't trust anyone else, it's the girlfriend that can't trust the OP.
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"[Screw] you and the green you ramped in on." - My EDH battle cry. If I had one. Which I don't.
Incorrect. The real victim here is the girlfriend. This guy shouldn't be putting her pictures out in the open if she's intended them for his eyes only.
If anyone can't trust anyone else, it's the girlfriend that can't trust the OP.
That's a bit harsh.... She gave him a picture calendar... something you normally hang on walls. He was very careful with it.
Would it be the OP's fault if she sent him a digital calendar and Geek Squad stole the pictures and posted them online when he takes his laptop in for repairs?
Would it be the OP's fault for leaving his Checkbook out on his own desk and his friend stealing his checking information?
To me these are similar situations. You should be able to trust your friend to not steal from you or poop on your bed or oggle pictures of your girl when you say not to. Turns out his friend is not a good friend.
That's a bit harsh.... She gave him a picture calendar... something you normally hang on walls. He was very careful with it.
Would it be the OP's fault if she sent him a digital calendar and Geek Squad stole the pictures and posted them online when he takes his laptop in for repairs?
Would it be the OP's fault for leaving his Checkbook out on his own desk and his friend stealing his checking information?
To me these are similar situations. You should be able to trust your friend to not steal from you or poop on your bed or oggle pictures of your girl when you say not to. Turns out his friend is not a good friend.
You can't compare Geek Squad stealing and reposting pictures to one dude taking a glance through a calendar. Honestly, I'd expect Geek Squad to look through the **** on my computer, which is exactly why I won't take my computer to someone else to repair it. Likewise with a checkbook. Nothing was publicized, nothing was stolen.
Don't leave valuable stuff out in the open. That's common sense.
I'm with you, he's not a great friend. But he is a human being, and probably ~20 years old. You can't expect him to not take a peek when you are broadcasting a bunch of nude pictures. The fact that he came clean afterward is a point in his favor. He knows it was wrong and he said he was sorry. Now it's time for the OP to admit to his own failure.
Both players are at fault here, so if I were the OP, I wouldn't be judging him. If I were the other dude and the OP started being an ass to me, I'd tell the GF that I saw her nude calendar because the dimwit left it out in the open.
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"[Screw] you and the green you ramped in on." - My EDH battle cry. If I had one. Which I don't.
The 'friend' sounds like a douche and betrayed your trust. The idea of putting out a cookie jar and telling the kid not to touch it and then leaving is not a fair comparison becase the subject in the example is a kid. If you two are both grown ups and you told him that something of yours was private, then it was private. The friends that I choose to surround myself with, I could leave anything alone with them that was private and know that none of them would touch it without permission. If I couldn't trust them to do that, then they wouldn't be my friends.
Do whatever you want with this guy, just know that you can't trust him. If I was in your shoes, lack of trust, plus my girlfriend being uncomfortable around him would mean he probably wasn't worth my time anymore.
The 'friend' sounds like a douche and betrayed your trust. The idea of putting out a cookie jar and telling the kid not to touch it and then leaving is not a fair comparison becase the subject in the example is a kid. If you two are both grown ups and you told him that something of yours was private, then it was private. The friends that I choose to surround myself with, I could leave anything alone with them that was private and know that none of them would touch it without permission. If I couldn't trust them to do that, then they wouldn't be my friends.
Do whatever you want with this guy, just know that you can't trust him. If I was in your shoes, lack of trust, plus my girlfriend being uncomfortable around him would mean he probably wasn't worth my time anymore.
How private is it really? The fact is, it's not a closed calender with "do not touch" written on it, the photo was already out in the open. If it was really private, put it away when you're asked about it like a normal person.
I'm of the opinion that you can't leave a trap for someone and blame them when they go for it. At least the guy was upfront and came clean. That means he knows it was wrong, but he couldn't resist. That's not being untrustworthy; that's being a horny, curious dude with a porno lying out in the open.
How is it a trap? Did the OP tell his friend "Oh, there's nude pictures of my gf in this but you can't see!"? Nope.
From what the OP tells us, the calender happened to be open at a month where there is no nudity, and the OP left it up there because he saw no reason to put it down. He also took precautions to ensure that others cannot see the nude months without intentionally taking it down.
In other words, he trusted his friend listen to him and not be an ass. Clearly he misplaced his trust.
And the friend "owned up" to this error because he knew he couldn't hide it, as again the OP suggests. That's not being upfront; that's called damage control.
He's a horrible friend and will do something horrible to you later in the future if the situation calls for it. Be careful.
How private is it really? The fact is, it's not a closed calender with "do not touch" written on it, the photo was already out in the open. If it was really private, put it away when you're asked about it like a normal person.
Or, respect the privacy and wishes of your supposed friend like you were explicitly asked, like a normal person. If these are the kinds of people that most of the posters on here consider normal friends, I feel bad for you. There is no way this lack of respect would be tolerated by me with my friends, or by my friends if I violated their trust like this.
Over reaction: The thread. "Oh he peaked at my calender, now he's forever dead to me". Go ahead and listen to the people letting you to do that, you'll soon end up with no friends.
All these people are looking for perfect faultless friends, who never does anything against their will. God forbid you all go out drinking.
Over reaction: The thread. "Oh he peaked at my calender, now he's forever dead to me". Go ahead and listen to the people letting you to do that, you'll soon end up with no friends.
All these people are looking for perfect faultless friends, who never does anything against their will. God forbid you all go out drinking.
EDIT: What if you caught your friend perving on your partner in the shower or something? Wouldn't you be angry? This is not a simple matter.
The fact is him and I are both adults, 21+, and we both have girlfriends. I thought I was the limit for him when he perves on other girls. What I don't get is why say that he is really sorry when the damage is done? He knew what he was doing. If he was surprised when he opened it and saw that they were "private images", he should have closed it immediately after seeing the first one, and not leave it open looking through every photo.
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I know him and I knew he would try to cover it up and was planning on returning it to its former state by "pretending" to leave his keys behind (this is a really common excuse so I do not know what else he has done while I've left my room unintended).
I think this is the issue you need to deal with. The calendar problem doesn't seem too important in the scheme of things.
Figure out your trust issues with him. If this is the back breaking straw, fair 'nough. Otherwise, this can be as big or little of a deal as you want to make it. No real 'right' or 'wrong' way to handle it, just figure out what you want from this relationship and act on that.
Over reaction: The thread. "Oh he peaked at my calender, now he's forever dead to me". Go ahead and listen to the people letting you to do that, you'll soon end up with no friends.
All these people are looking for perfect faultless friends, who never does anything against their will. God forbid you all go out drinking.
Until you know the relationship between the OP, his friend, and his girlfriend, then this comment really doesn't help anyone in the thread. I've had friends that are really private with their love life, and others who would be very public, even showing me similar "risque" pictures. The fact is, the OP's friend knew that he didn't want him looking at the pictures. He specifically asked him not to look at them, and he did.
I can understand blaming the friend, because he obviously did something that he knew would upset the OP. Blaming the OP, however is kind of stupid. Can this friend show no restraint? How can you blame the OP for trusting his friend?
Now, I don't know if I'd condone absolutely cutting the friend out of your life, but you have to talk to him and let him know that he crossed the line. You also should tell him why he crossed the line and why it makes you so upset. His response should tell you what kind of a friend he is.
I honestly think you overreacted. Is he in the dog house? Sure. Does he deserve to be unfriended for life? Probably not.
If he, for some reason, went looking for your calendar, that'd be one thing. But you left an explicit calendar of your girlfriend up and in the open, and specifically talked about it with him, and even told him that you were hiding it every previous time because it was risque.
Incorrect. The real victim here is the girlfriend. This guy shouldn't be putting her pictures out in the open if she's intended them for his eyes only.
If anyone can't trust anyone else, it's the girlfriend that can't trust the OP.
I'm with Dechs on this one. I think you should be almost as angry at yourself as your are at your friend, because not only did your friend violate your trust, you violated your girlfriend's trust by leaving it up to show off.
Remember, these pictures were given to you by your girlfriend in trust, you should not have left it up, regardless of whether or not this month was fully clothed. It was your responsibility to make sure the pictures were safe, not his.
Not only that, you specifically left them up to show off to a friend you yourself admit is a bit of a horn dog. But it really sounds like you are trying to transfer all the blame to him, when in fact you broke your girlfriend's trust, too.
You need to protect those kinds of images, not show off. Your girlfriend is the victim here, not you.
This is not like stealing money, being given private photos of your significant other is like that egg-baby project everyone has heard about from High School. It doesn't matter why the egg was damaged, when it was given to you it became your responsibility to keep it from being broken. Yes, you should be mad at the person who broke it, but that doesn't change the fact that at the end of the day, the egg was your responsibility.
Think if the roles were reversed, would you really be able to resist even taking the slightest peek at one of the other photos after your friend showed you a sexy picture of his girlfriend, and then left it up there all night and told you there were even more scantily clad ones right behind it. I like to think I'm a pretty good guy, but even I'm not sure I wouldn't have at least peeked. It doesn't fill me with pride, but the curiosity would probably get to me. If I had shown a friend of mine a picture of my wife in a Bikini, in an album with scantily clad pictures I don't want them to see, then walked away and said 'Don't deviate from this one photo', and then come back a few minutes later after leaving them alone, bored and curious with the photos to find they looked, I'd be angry at me as much as them.
This is a huge problem is the digital age - in fact, it makes me think of a better analogy. These photos, once given to you by your significant other, become like top secret files, for your eyes only. You can't leave an unsecured file folder of top secret files in front of a known reporter and expect him to leave the files alone. That happens, and even though your trust was violated, you still lose your secret clearance because you didn't follow proper security procedures. This analogy works for any information your significant other wants to keep secret - which is why you don't pass along embarrassing stories of your significant other, either.
You left sexy pictures up to show off to your horn dog friend and then got mad when he acted like a horn dog. You are right to be angry with him - but to cut off all contact forever? I think that's an overreaction, I've been betrayed much, much worse by a close friend (forced to choose between my honeymoon and his wedding) and remained friends. Being betrayed hurts - but you'll get over at the shock wears off and it won't seem like as earth-shattering a problem - just a hurtful one.
Invite them both to the party (you really can't just invite one, that's just *****y, either invite both or neither), and let him try and earn back your trust.
I think I'm going to have to side largely with Jay and Dechs on this one. OP, you need to recognize that if you want something kept secret, you have a responsibility in the matter. Your responsibility is to not share that private information with another party, and even better, not even let it be known that you posses the private information (if possible).
As soon as your gf gave you that calendar, she abandoned her ability to control who sees the photos. She felt comfortable doing that because she trusted you to be responsible and not let other people see them. By you leaving them out in plain sight and making it known that there's more risque pictures there to someone who you damn well knew was going to be inclined to look at them, you've have failed your gf's trust in you.
You could've done a lot more to prevent those pictures from being seen. You need to accept responsibility for that.
And, yes your friend should feel guilty for looking at them. He shouldn't have done that. This does not in any way impact the fact that you could have (should have, imo) made it so that it never got to that point. Both of you need to take responsibility in this. It sounds like your friend has, but you haven't.
This situation would be entirely different if you'd hidden them away in a drawer somewhere and your freind started rummaging through your stuff and found them. In that scenario, you would've put forth a reasonable effort to secure them and your friend would've violated your privacy. What you actually did though was the complete opposite: you put them in a situation where most reasonable people would say "yeah those are going to end up getting seen".
I just hope your gf learned her lesson that you can't be trusted to keep private pictures secured.
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"For small creatures such as we the vastness is bearable only through love." --Carl Sagan
Its really simple, if you can't trust your "best friend" he's not your really your "best friend" and its questionable what kind of friend he is. What even more troubling is that his "best friend's girlfriend is HIS ex-girlfriend.
To the rest of the thread who is going off tangent about his girlfriend being the victim, you guys are doing nothing to serve the questions of the thread and are jumping on the OP back.
I seriously don't buy any of this "I can't control myself excuses" what a load of crock
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Anyway, one of my good mates comes over to play games and we head into my room and I have forgotten to take down the calendar. This was intentional because the calendar picture itself for October was just my girlfriend in a cute maid outfit, not showing anything or nudity or that. I also tied up every month other than that one together behind the October page since I don't want people viewing the "other photos" since they are R rated and for my eyes only.
He asks me if that is what I have been hiding every time he comes over, which I tell him yes, but it's appropriate. I tell him not to go through it, it is for my eyes only and that it was a special gift from my girlfriend during Christmas.
We play a few games of League of Legends, and when we finish up he starts packing his laptop up. I tell him I'll be back in a minute, I got to use the bathroom.
I come back and see my calendar off the wall, and me thinking of good intensions I think it has fallen on the floor. My friend starts to head out the door and asks me if I'm coming to see him out the door. I tell him I got to turn of my computer I'll be out in a minute. He then tells me he is really sorry but couldn't resist and looked through my calendar. I see it on my bed, with it untied with a nude page flipped to the top of the pile.
I know him and I knew he would try to cover it up and was planning on returning it to its former state by "pretending" to leave his keys behind (this is a really common excuse so I do not know what else he has done while I've left my room unintended).
Now these are a reasons what gets me mad about the situation:
- He is dating my ex-girlfriend (which I never really got frustrated about before, so you think he would respect my wishes for my love life. Me and my ex-gf are still friends.)
- He has a girlfriend
- He says I am his best friend
- He intensionally looks at his best friend's girlfriend naked
- Disobeys request
- And that he said he was sorry about it only a few seconds after looking through it.
You think as his best friend he would respect my wishes. Not only this, he has always been a sexual pig when it comes to women but I thought I was the limit. He has a girlfriend (who I informed of the situation). I feel so betrayed. How can I have him be my friend if I can't trust him?
I gave it 24 hours to cool down and think it through. I told his gf the next day of the situation and told him through text I don't want to see him again.
My mother says I should think carefully if I do want to break it off with him. My girlfriend tells me it wasn't my fault and she isn't mad at me. She knew which photo was up and tells me it was my x-friend's fault for being untrustworthy. She tells me if I decided to try and be friends with him again it is fine, but she will never talk to or be in the same room as him. As for me, I do not know if to give him a second chance, and I do want to look after my girl.
I am to hold a party this weekend and he was invited but I told his gf only she was invited now. I am told it is common courtesy to invite a couple and my mother insists I should keep to this courtesy, but I do not believe I should invite her partner. I am a gentlemen, but it seems very wrong to invite him if my girlfriend will be there too.
In conclusion, what should I do:
- Do I try and be friends with him again or kick him out of my life for being untrustworthy?
- Do I invite both him and his gf to the party or just his gf?
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I'm of the opinion that you can't leave a trap for someone and blame them when they go for it. At least the guy was upfront and came clean. That means he knows it was wrong, but he couldn't resist. That's not being untrustworthy; that's being a horny, curious dude with a porno lying out in the open.
If you don't want your kid to steal from the cookie jar, you don't put it in reach.
Pristaxcontrombmodruu!
You have a liability you have to take into consideration the worst case scenario. This hasn't been the worst case scenario, and I will tell you what the worst case scenario is. The worst case scenario are those materials being stolen and placed online with her name being searched and those pictures coming up tooth sweet. That would follow her forever, you should not have it on the wall at all. It should be in a drawer, and one that has something on top of it so that way the only way people know it's there is if you died or hurt bad.
He was untrustworthy, as for continuing the friendship with either that's just something you're going to have to think about.
You're defending your "woman's honor," but the question is what does this friend really mean to you? Has been one of those go-to-guys that you love as a brother? You know the type. Or is he just one of those guys you like to hang with share a few beers and go your separate ways? Look at the quality of relationship you have with him, as well as it's longevity. That should determine the value of the friendship whether it's worth saving or not. If this is a drinking buddy, those are replaceable. If this guy's like your brother and been there for you and held your hand through all the years when you were down, then you'd be a fool to throwaway the relationship.
Ambition must be made to counteract ambition.
Individualities may form communities, but it is institutions alone that can create a nation.
Nothing succeeds like the appearance of success.
Here is my principle: Taxes shall be levied according to ability to pay. That is the only American principle.
I'm going to agree here.
I assume you guys are in your early 20's. You friend is male. What did you think was going to happen? Its ridiculous of you to put the images out there and not expect a 20 something male to want to see them. You left it up to show-off the maid pic, you did this to yourself.
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But if it were me, I would have probably have knocked him a good one. He knew damn well that wasn't meant for him and he disrespected that. For some people as long as there is not consequences they will continue to do whatever the hell they want.
On "knocking him a few times"
I know some folks are gonna say "hitting people is wrong" And its true, it is wrong. I can say that some of my best friends I have, we got into a fight at one point or another. It might have been 10+ years ago but the point is that the law got laid down those days and respect was earned and given.
disclaimer: The question asked was "What would YOU do in this situation?"
In my opinion, there's only three reasons I'd have to be offended, either
A) I feel threatened by him
B) She should feel threatened by him
C) She's hideous and I know it
A) If I'm doing my job right as a man and a boyfriend (I'm married irl), then no other suitor should threaten my self-confidence.
B) If I'm doing my job right as a man and a boyfriend, then no suitor could sway my woman, and so my self-confidence is validated. Furthermore, if my woman should feel threatened by any one of my friends, that person should not be my friend.
C) If I'm embarrassed of my woman, I should stop being a scumbag and just end the relationship. If I'm not embarrassed of her, someone seeing her that way should be of no consequence.
I'm a 33 year old with a wife and kid, had several serious relationships growing up. These are just my opinions.
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Yeah, that works well. Wasn't there some famous myth that started off something like that?
Bottom line, regardless of what kind of person he is, you should have known better than to have left it out in the open. This falls on you. You can certainly be upset that he didn't heed your request, but you really should be kicking yourself more for not sticking with your gut, which has always been to hide it away when someone comes over. You can't leave something out and then specifically tell someone not to touch it without them getting more than a little curious about it, especially when it involves a guy and a naked girl.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
This. I'd probably also ask if he was jealous.
You're seriously over thinking this. Just forget about and go about business as usual.
How old are you that you are getting party advice from your mom?
I wouldnt trust him to follow directions anymore... so depending on how important that is to you, being friends with him is up to you. But seriously... invite who you want to your party... dont worry about what your mom thinks and courtesy. It is your party. Invite who you want to be there.
By the same logic if a girl wearing provocative clothing gets raped, Its her fault.
Seriously this is about trust, and if you can't trust your "best friend" not to look at your private business. He isn't your "best friend" and her certainly doesn't respect the friendship.
Incorrect. The real victim here is the girlfriend. This guy shouldn't be putting her pictures out in the open if she's intended them for his eyes only.
If anyone can't trust anyone else, it's the girlfriend that can't trust the OP.
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That's a bit harsh.... She gave him a picture calendar... something you normally hang on walls. He was very careful with it.
Would it be the OP's fault if she sent him a digital calendar and Geek Squad stole the pictures and posted them online when he takes his laptop in for repairs?
Would it be the OP's fault for leaving his Checkbook out on his own desk and his friend stealing his checking information?
To me these are similar situations. You should be able to trust your friend to not steal from you or poop on your bed or oggle pictures of your girl when you say not to. Turns out his friend is not a good friend.
You can't compare Geek Squad stealing and reposting pictures to one dude taking a glance through a calendar. Honestly, I'd expect Geek Squad to look through the **** on my computer, which is exactly why I won't take my computer to someone else to repair it. Likewise with a checkbook. Nothing was publicized, nothing was stolen.
Don't leave valuable stuff out in the open. That's common sense.
I'm with you, he's not a great friend. But he is a human being, and probably ~20 years old. You can't expect him to not take a peek when you are broadcasting a bunch of nude pictures. The fact that he came clean afterward is a point in his favor. He knows it was wrong and he said he was sorry. Now it's time for the OP to admit to his own failure.
Both players are at fault here, so if I were the OP, I wouldn't be judging him. If I were the other dude and the OP started being an ass to me, I'd tell the GF that I saw her nude calendar because the dimwit left it out in the open.
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Do whatever you want with this guy, just know that you can't trust him. If I was in your shoes, lack of trust, plus my girlfriend being uncomfortable around him would mean he probably wasn't worth my time anymore.
How private is it really? The fact is, it's not a closed calender with "do not touch" written on it, the photo was already out in the open. If it was really private, put it away when you're asked about it like a normal person.
How is it a trap? Did the OP tell his friend "Oh, there's nude pictures of my gf in this but you can't see!"? Nope.
From what the OP tells us, the calender happened to be open at a month where there is no nudity, and the OP left it up there because he saw no reason to put it down. He also took precautions to ensure that others cannot see the nude months without intentionally taking it down.
In other words, he trusted his friend listen to him and not be an ass. Clearly he misplaced his trust.
And the friend "owned up" to this error because he knew he couldn't hide it, as again the OP suggests. That's not being upfront; that's called damage control.
He's a horrible friend and will do something horrible to you later in the future if the situation calls for it. Be careful.
Or, respect the privacy and wishes of your supposed friend like you were explicitly asked, like a normal person. If these are the kinds of people that most of the posters on here consider normal friends, I feel bad for you. There is no way this lack of respect would be tolerated by me with my friends, or by my friends if I violated their trust like this.
All these people are looking for perfect faultless friends, who never does anything against their will. God forbid you all go out drinking.
EDIT: What if you caught your friend perving on your partner in the shower or something? Wouldn't you be angry? This is not a simple matter.
The fact is him and I are both adults, 21+, and we both have girlfriends. I thought I was the limit for him when he perves on other girls. What I don't get is why say that he is really sorry when the damage is done? He knew what he was doing. If he was surprised when he opened it and saw that they were "private images", he should have closed it immediately after seeing the first one, and not leave it open looking through every photo.
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Figure out your trust issues with him. If this is the back breaking straw, fair 'nough. Otherwise, this can be as big or little of a deal as you want to make it. No real 'right' or 'wrong' way to handle it, just figure out what you want from this relationship and act on that.
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Until you know the relationship between the OP, his friend, and his girlfriend, then this comment really doesn't help anyone in the thread. I've had friends that are really private with their love life, and others who would be very public, even showing me similar "risque" pictures. The fact is, the OP's friend knew that he didn't want him looking at the pictures. He specifically asked him not to look at them, and he did.
I can understand blaming the friend, because he obviously did something that he knew would upset the OP. Blaming the OP, however is kind of stupid. Can this friend show no restraint? How can you blame the OP for trusting his friend?
Now, I don't know if I'd condone absolutely cutting the friend out of your life, but you have to talk to him and let him know that he crossed the line. You also should tell him why he crossed the line and why it makes you so upset. His response should tell you what kind of a friend he is.
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If he, for some reason, went looking for your calendar, that'd be one thing. But you left an explicit calendar of your girlfriend up and in the open, and specifically talked about it with him, and even told him that you were hiding it every previous time because it was risque.
I'm with Dechs on this one. I think you should be almost as angry at yourself as your are at your friend, because not only did your friend violate your trust, you violated your girlfriend's trust by leaving it up to show off.
Remember, these pictures were given to you by your girlfriend in trust, you should not have left it up, regardless of whether or not this month was fully clothed. It was your responsibility to make sure the pictures were safe, not his.
Not only that, you specifically left them up to show off to a friend you yourself admit is a bit of a horn dog. But it really sounds like you are trying to transfer all the blame to him, when in fact you broke your girlfriend's trust, too.
You need to protect those kinds of images, not show off. Your girlfriend is the victim here, not you.
This is not like stealing money, being given private photos of your significant other is like that egg-baby project everyone has heard about from High School. It doesn't matter why the egg was damaged, when it was given to you it became your responsibility to keep it from being broken. Yes, you should be mad at the person who broke it, but that doesn't change the fact that at the end of the day, the egg was your responsibility.
Think if the roles were reversed, would you really be able to resist even taking the slightest peek at one of the other photos after your friend showed you a sexy picture of his girlfriend, and then left it up there all night and told you there were even more scantily clad ones right behind it. I like to think I'm a pretty good guy, but even I'm not sure I wouldn't have at least peeked. It doesn't fill me with pride, but the curiosity would probably get to me. If I had shown a friend of mine a picture of my wife in a Bikini, in an album with scantily clad pictures I don't want them to see, then walked away and said 'Don't deviate from this one photo', and then come back a few minutes later after leaving them alone, bored and curious with the photos to find they looked, I'd be angry at me as much as them.
This is a huge problem is the digital age - in fact, it makes me think of a better analogy. These photos, once given to you by your significant other, become like top secret files, for your eyes only. You can't leave an unsecured file folder of top secret files in front of a known reporter and expect him to leave the files alone. That happens, and even though your trust was violated, you still lose your secret clearance because you didn't follow proper security procedures. This analogy works for any information your significant other wants to keep secret - which is why you don't pass along embarrassing stories of your significant other, either.
You left sexy pictures up to show off to your horn dog friend and then got mad when he acted like a horn dog. You are right to be angry with him - but to cut off all contact forever? I think that's an overreaction, I've been betrayed much, much worse by a close friend (forced to choose between my honeymoon and his wedding) and remained friends. Being betrayed hurts - but you'll get over at the shock wears off and it won't seem like as earth-shattering a problem - just a hurtful one.
Invite them both to the party (you really can't just invite one, that's just *****y, either invite both or neither), and let him try and earn back your trust.
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As soon as your gf gave you that calendar, she abandoned her ability to control who sees the photos. She felt comfortable doing that because she trusted you to be responsible and not let other people see them. By you leaving them out in plain sight and making it known that there's more risque pictures there to someone who you damn well knew was going to be inclined to look at them, you've have failed your gf's trust in you.
You could've done a lot more to prevent those pictures from being seen. You need to accept responsibility for that.
And, yes your friend should feel guilty for looking at them. He shouldn't have done that. This does not in any way impact the fact that you could have (should have, imo) made it so that it never got to that point. Both of you need to take responsibility in this. It sounds like your friend has, but you haven't.
This situation would be entirely different if you'd hidden them away in a drawer somewhere and your freind started rummaging through your stuff and found them. In that scenario, you would've put forth a reasonable effort to secure them and your friend would've violated your privacy. What you actually did though was the complete opposite: you put them in a situation where most reasonable people would say "yeah those are going to end up getting seen".
I just hope your gf learned her lesson that you can't be trusted to keep private pictures secured.
To the rest of the thread who is going off tangent about his girlfriend being the victim, you guys are doing nothing to serve the questions of the thread and are jumping on the OP back.
I seriously don't buy any of this "I can't control myself excuses" what a load of crock