A little background, I'm 20 years old and a student at a local community college. I have a few friends, and a core group that also happens to be my Magic playgroup. I've had a few girlfriends before, and I'm not a total klutz when it comes to women.
The basic problem I've been having is that I constantly objectify all my female friends and acquaintances. I have one close female friend, with whom I honestly engage in a moderate amount of sexual harassment. Whenever I'm near her, or any girl I find remotely attractive, I can't get my mind off of their bodies, and think a lot of romantic possibilities, even in girls I have very little conscious interest in. I'm aware this problem isn't unusual, but was wondering if anyone here had good advice on how to get over my constant sexualizing of my friends. It tends to make some things rather awkward, particularly with the ones who have boyfriends, and I don't like how I currently think of women as a whole.
Eh. I know plenty of men in nerd social scenes that are awkward around women. Eventually it just turns into those circles not inviting those guys to events and game nights. I actually really like nerd circles that are mostly husband/wife or engaged or etc. because it really reduces the creeper count.
Fixing your issue is definitely noble though, and should help in your social circles as well as a LTR when you get one (or another one or w/e). That said, if you value your friends primarily on humor and intellect (I certainly do, and those tend to be most important in nerd circles) then just try to focus on those qualities with your female friends. Look at women's eyes when talking, try not to let your eyes linger on their body's.
The most effective thing though would be counselling on the issue. Something is amiss if you can't not objectify every woman you see, esp. if you just want their friendship.
Treat them like you treat your guy friends. Remember that they're still people and that they aren't likely available to you in a sexual capacity. I don't see a problem with the occasional innuendo but there's no reason to treat them as non-human just because they're female. Maybe you should talk with an older female about it and get some perspective.
2011: Best Mafia Performance (Individual) - Best Newcomer
2012: Best (False?) Role Claim - Worst Town Performance (Group) - Best Mafia Performance (Group) - Best SK Performance - Best Overall Player
2013: Best Non-SK Neutral Performance
2014: Best Town Performance (Individual) - Best Town Performance (Group) - Most Interesting Role - Best Game - Best Overall Player
2015: Worst Mafia Performance (Group) - Best Read
2016: Best Town Performance (Group) - Best Town Player - Best Overall Player
I'm not terribly awkward around women, I've had a large degree of exposure to them throughout my life. The problem is closer to your last paragraph and Iso's statement than any perceived social defect. I have trouble thinking of my female peers as anything more than a prize to be won or challenge to be undertaken. Intellectually I understand that they are people who deserve the same consideration as my elders or other men, but on some level I instinctively objectify them, typically in two ways. I tend to be overprotective/kind of white-knighty and I also focus on their value as a sexual partner. I've considered serious help, but would like to reserve that as a last resort. I will attempt to talk to an older woman distant enough from me to be rational about it. Any other suggestions?
EDIT: I certainly try to value my friends on humor and intellect, but I know, particularly with the girl I am close to, that my tendencies have more to do with our friendship than anything else. I have a few friends I wouldn't mind getting closer to who are smart and funny, but I don't want to do anything to mess it up so I've been holding off.
I have trouble thinking of my female peers as anything more than a prize to be won or challenge to be undertaken. Intellectually I understand that they are people who deserve the same consideration as my elders or other men, but on some level I instinctively objectify them, typically in two ways. I tend to be overprotective/kind of white-knighty and I also focus on their value as a sexual partner. I've considered serious help, but would like to reserve that as a last resort. I will attempt to talk to an older woman distant enough from me to be rational about it. Any other suggestions?
Grow up. And I'm not saying this to be insulting, I'm saying it because your stated attitudes towards women are incredibly immature and sexist and if you want to have meaningful adult relationships with women (platonic and romantic), you're really going to have to mature and grow beyond the childish attitudes you have now.
Women are more than prizes to be won or precious creatures that need your protection and I think what you need is real experience with women who are more than what you expect from females who won't put up with your ****. Sit in on female studies classes, go to a rally, speak with female leaders in your school/community/social circles, do anything that will allow you to interact with positive female role models. That sort of interaction will open your eyes and hopefully make you more receptive to women as things other than objects. Maybe it'll help you develop a modicum of self-control as well, since that seems to also be a factor here.
Maybe there's a kind of privilege to being gay in a way, because when you're growing up you aren't encouraged to objectify men in the way that boys are encouraged to objectify women.
I don't find myself having these sorts of problems in my interactions with other males.
Then again... maybe it would help you to not have so many sexual thoughts if you satisfied your sexual urges beforehand, if you know what I mean.
Also, if you're cognizant enough to recognize your (presumably) frequent sexual innuendos or whatever as "sexual harassment" here's an easy tip: just because an innuendo pops into your head doesn't mean you should say it. Changing your thought patterns is more difficult, but holding your tongue isn't really that hard.
I find most of my female friends attractive - If I didn't like them, I probably wouldn't be friends with them, right?
Honestly, it's simply a matter of self-discipline. It's good that you recognize that you treat them differently. Now stop it. There are two big points your should consider here:
1.) Stop it
2.) No really, stop it
I wish I could offer more helpful advice, but it's really a matter of self-discipline. You are going to be around women you find attractive your entire life, and you're going to have to remain professional. Learning how to do that now will benefit you a lot in your life. Start practicing actively not thinking about those things now and you'll do a lot better. There are three other things that might help you out:
1.) Shower more. Seriously, nothing resets your hormones like a cold shower.
2.) More 'me time'. If you find you're having problems being overly hormonal around women, make sure to keep those hormone levels low.
3.) Sit farther away. Physical proximity will only increase the problem. Sit a little farther from your female friends.
And finally, again, start practicing changing those thought processes now. If you find your mind wandering where it shouldn't, force it in other directions.
Why this is a problem again? If you can contain your desires to yourself and respect them that's not a problem. I don't think it's ever possible (nor desirable) to prevent being attracted to the opposite gender if you are straight.
Also as you get older your lust will naturally diminish.
Private Mod Note
():
Rollback Post to RevisionRollBack
The game is not being dumbed down. Control is doing fine; Draw-Go is not the only kind of control. Aggro is doing fine; Red Deck Wins is not the only kind of aggro. Creature combat is an important core concept and belongs in every color. Mythic rarity is not destroying the game. People whine too much for no good reason. Magic is more popular than ever, so keep calm, brew some decks and play some damn cards.
Why this is a problem again? If you can contain your desires to yourself and respect them that's not a problem. I don't think it's ever possible (nor desirable) to prevent being attracted to the opposite gender if you are straight.
Also as you get older your lust will naturally diminish.
Well the problem is that he's not just finding them attractive, he's outright focusing on these women as objects and ignoring their value as whole people. Objectification on that level is a huge obstacle in relationships because it shows a clear lack of respect of the woman being a person, which is a fairly fundamental building block in mature relationships.
Being attracted to people is natural (take it from me, I'm attracted to a lot of people I meet), but choosing to respect them over objectifying them is a learned choice and one a person absolutely needs to make if they intend on having adult relationships with people they find attractive.
Well the problem is that he's not just finding them attractive, he's outright focusing on these women as objects and ignoring their value as whole people. Objectification on that level is a huge obstacle in relationships because it shows a clear lack of respect of the woman being a person, which is a fairly fundamental building block in mature relationships.
See, I have a lot of female friends, and while I respect them all a lot, occasionally I do sexually fantiscize about them. It repulses me when I do because I recognize exactly what you're saying: that when I do so I'm removing their humanity and imagining them like some sort of toy and it leaves me feeling dirty inside. I'm not sure if it's an issue of hormones, self control, some sort of inner depravity, or all of the above.
To the OP: while I can't say that I'm all that much better in this respect, what I've done is basically created a list of people in my head whom I will not allow myself to think of in a sexual context. If it helps you can start with just your closest friend, basically continuing your behavior as normal EXCEPT with regards to her. Once that's sunk in, slowly expand your off-limits list. Rinse and repeat. I've found that the list has helped a lot, though I've had trouble with the expanding part. Perhaps you will find more luck
Hope that helps
Private Mod Note
():
Rollback Post to RevisionRollBack
"Proving god exists isn't hard. Proving god is God is the tricky part" - Roommate
See, I have a lot of female friends, and while I respect them all a lot, occasionally I do sexually fantiscize about them. It repulses me when I do because I recognize exactly what you're saying: that when I do so I'm removing their humanity and imagining them like some sort of toy and it leaves me feeling dirty inside. I'm not sure if it's an issue of hormones, self control, some sort of inner depravity, or all of the above.
Ehhhhh, I don't think fantasizing is intrinsically bad. I think if that fantasizing affects the relationship it's certainly bad. Ditto if it starts coloring your perception of your friend beyond the fantasy. But isolated fantasies aren't necessarily depraved in and of themselves, you can fantasize about someone and still respect them. I think you can probably cut yourself some slack.
You may want to look into some therapy/counseling to help work through this. Being unable to avoid seeing women as anything but sexual objects can carry some pretty negative repercussions and could be a prelude to some other underlying issues. What happens if you get a job with an attractive woman as your boss, and your inability to relate to her on a non sexual level impacts your performance?
Recognizing that this is a problem is a great first step, kudos to you.
After that? it's about changing the behavior. Catch yourself. Get your friends to call you out on it, or make fun of you for it. It's a great motivator for change. (It's still helping me combat the pride stuff)
The advice of going to a rally and talking seriously with older women is good. But basically, the more you get to know women as full-fledged people and the less you be a jerk about it, the easier it will get.
The first step is the hardest.
Private Mod Note
():
Rollback Post to RevisionRollBack
"It is not your place to rule, Radiant. It may not even be mine." ~Serra, Humble
"I Come Looking for Demons and I find a plane full of Angels. I Hate Angels" -Liliana Vess, Killing Wave
"Walls? What Walls?" ~Jaya Ballard, Task Mage, Word of Blasting
"I don't have to have the perfect plan. My foe just has to have an imperfect one." -Jace Beleren, Summoner's Bane
"When your cities and trinkets crumble, only nature will remain" ~Garruk Wildspeaker, Naturalize
Sounds normal for a 20 year old. I lived the wild party life and flirted with any good looking girl I could. Often with great success =) I wish I could be 23 again.
Rather than objectifying, move towards trying to encourage and facilitating people. Being an admirer of a woman's trait is fine and expected. If you find that a woman friend looks good that day, compliment her. Not because you want to get in her pants, but because you find it attractive. It's fine to be honest about your preferences without being overly flirty.
"Hi. That dress looks absolutely grand on you. How are you today?"
Look at the artistry some women place into their looks and acknowledging that is good. Admiring beauty is an art, there are ways that men have done so for centuries without being overly sexualized about it.
Use compliments, smile, and ask them about themselves and encourage them to talk about things you find both interesting. Do nice things for other people. If someone does something nice for you, send/give them a thank you note.
It's called decorum. You'd best need to learn it, and how to be relational to others without being offsetting. Never use sexual innuendo, acknowledge your preferences in a healthy manner.
As for objectifying women, focus on the things that you admire in people and hold those in esteem and take time to appreciate the people who are around you. Meaning that those that are successful and those that have traits you see in yourself that want to see better exemplified. Ask questions, let them talk, and listen. Look them in the eye. Do nice things for people.
I tend to think in terms of "What can I do to make this person's day a bit easier?" Power is begot with power to change lives and opening up opportunity for others. If you have good interpersonal skills and can build a network of people that you can help to advance they will advance you as well.
You need women in your corner.
Start with small changes. Ask how people are, look them in the eye, make healthy compliments. Make no sexual innuendo.
Private Mod Note
():
Rollback Post to RevisionRollBack
Ambition must be made to counteract ambition.
Individualities may form communities, but it is institutions alone that can create a nation.
Nothing succeeds like the appearance of success.
Here is my principle: Taxes shall be levied according to ability to pay. That is the only American principle.
A little background, I'm 20 years old and a student at a local community college. I have a few friends, and a core group that also happens to be my Magic playgroup. I've had a few girlfriends before, and I'm not a total klutz when it comes to women.
The basic problem I've been having is that I constantly objectify all my female friends and acquaintances. I have one close female friend, with whom I honestly engage in a moderate amount of sexual harassment. Whenever I'm near her, or any girl I find remotely attractive, I can't get my mind off of their bodies, and think a lot of romantic possibilities, even in girls I have very little conscious interest in. I'm aware this problem isn't unusual, but was wondering if anyone here had good advice on how to get over my constant sexualizing of my friends. It tends to make some things rather awkward, particularly with the ones who have boyfriends, and I don't like how I currently think of women as a whole.
I have the exact same problem but I am getting over it. When I was your age (I'm now 25) I had many girls for friends and even best friends and it always ends up with me objectifying them and having sex with them. Now that I am older and have had a ltr (4 years) with a girl (who was a best friend...), I still have many female friends but don't objectify them to the same level. Do I still look at them like they are attractive? Yupp, but I don't act on it anymore.
Basically, you are 20 years old. Get jiggy with your female friends and live it up well you can! Don't worry about it, get it out of your system and you will be fine. That's what I did.
Just treat women well and be good (unless your asked not to), ignore the ones that are bad to you. Your 20, you'll think about their bodies all the time, it gets better with age, from total obsession to an "oh yeah, nice!", "mellow obsession".
A bit of a necro but I thought I'd post an update. I've been doing a lot better with my issues with objectifying women. It was an almost entirely internal process before, but now the last vestiges of it appear to be disappearing from my conscious mind. Something that helped was having lots of conversations with strong, motherly figures. I also have a class almost entirely consisting of attractive females, which upon writing of the OP of this thread concerned me, but as time has gone on interaction with all of them has relaxed inside my head and I can appreciate the fact that they're attractive and different from guys while viewing them as intellectual peers.
It also helped a lot to hear from some of the posters in this thread that it is normal to fantasize about your peers/friends. It's another thing that I understand intellectually, but hearing people say it is a very different thing. I'm still a little awkward complimenting acquaintances/colleagues because the nature of our relationship feels different than it did for me in high school, but it's getting better. Thank you to everyone who gave their advice.
A bit of a necro but I thought I'd post an update. I've been doing a lot better with my issues with objectifying women. It was an almost entirely internal process before, but now the last vestiges of it appear to be disappearing from my conscious mind. Something that helped was having lots of conversations with strong, motherly figures. I also have a class almost entirely consisting of attractive females, which upon writing of the OP of this thread concerned me, but as time has gone on interaction with all of them has relaxed inside my head and I can appreciate the fact that they're attractive and different from guys while viewing them as intellectual peers.
It also helped a lot to hear from some of the posters in this thread that it is normal to fantasize about your peers/friends. It's another thing that I understand intellectually, but hearing people say it is a very different thing. I'm still a little awkward complimenting acquaintances/colleagues because the nature of our relationship feels different than it did for me in high school, but it's getting better. Thank you to everyone who gave their advice.
Thanks for the update - it's good to hear. This is an issue a lot of guys face, and it's nice to hear about someone who recognizes it and takes steps to correct it.
It's actually biologically hard wired and not even remotely uncommon. That is not to say you shouldn't rewire your yourself and change your behavior, evolving toward a more respectful mindset is always a good thing.
I give your props for telling everyone how you really feel.
My advice would be to try and treat them as much as your guy friends as possible. Thinking about a women just for the sexual part of them wont work in any friendship or relationship that I have seen. Personally, I have trouble "Hooking" up with someone who I don't really know. I actually like to become friends with them and their personality's are actually kinda what attracts me to them. Not just their looks.
practice talking with your mom or sister, take that first step.
This. Maybe it will help you change your perspective about women and that they shouldn't be treated as sexual objects. If that does not work, treat them like your guy friends.
I know Iori Yagami got warned for trolling, but troll or not he has a point.
OP is 20 years old. And male. I don't think his issues stem from his natural lust but his white knight mentality. Do not be a white knight.
When you see a girl as a sex object, that's one thing - you're sleezy and unappealing to the politically correct. Fine. But you can at least embrace it; incorporate your true feelings into your daily behavior as a flirty dirtbag.
You might be sexist.
You might be immature.
You might be a late bloomer as far as sex drive goes.
So then maybe you're a jerk. So what? Don't repress it. Especially with white-knighting. Do not be a white knight.
When you say you make a girl out to be a prize to be won, you're doing yourself a disservice. It's not healthy for you personally. It is not good for your self esteem to elevate a relationship to an accomplishment. Relationships and sexual encounters are just things that happen. White-knighting is also tremendously unattractive and transparent to pretty much any girl.
The white knight is the 'nice guy' who finishes last.
The white knight is who gets 'friend zoned' by girls.
The white knight is the polar opposite the 'bad boy' the adventurous girls enjoy.
You don't call "dying to removal" if the removal is more expensive in resources than the creature. If you have to spend BG (Abrupt Decay), or W + basic land (PtE) to remove a 1G, that is not "dying to removal". Strictly speaking Goyf dies to removal, but actually your removal is dying to Goyf.
The basic problem I've been having is that I constantly objectify all my female friends and acquaintances. I have one close female friend, with whom I honestly engage in a moderate amount of sexual harassment. Whenever I'm near her, or any girl I find remotely attractive, I can't get my mind off of their bodies, and think a lot of romantic possibilities, even in girls I have very little conscious interest in. I'm aware this problem isn't unusual, but was wondering if anyone here had good advice on how to get over my constant sexualizing of my friends. It tends to make some things rather awkward, particularly with the ones who have boyfriends, and I don't like how I currently think of women as a whole.
My EDH Decks!
BUGDamia, Combo-Control QueenBUG
RGWort, the RampmotherRG
WWWKemba, Voltron ExtraordinaireWWW
UBDralnu, Pure ControlUB
URHail to the DracogeniusUR
Fixing your issue is definitely noble though, and should help in your social circles as well as a LTR when you get one (or another one or w/e). That said, if you value your friends primarily on humor and intellect (I certainly do, and those tend to be most important in nerd circles) then just try to focus on those qualities with your female friends. Look at women's eyes when talking, try not to let your eyes linger on their body's.
The most effective thing though would be counselling on the issue. Something is amiss if you can't not objectify every woman you see, esp. if you just want their friendship.
So Pro I have an alpha Volcanic Island
{мы, тьма}
2012: Best (False?) Role Claim - Worst Town Performance (Group) - Best Mafia Performance (Group) - Best SK Performance - Best Overall Player
2013: Best Non-SK Neutral Performance
2014: Best Town Performance (Individual) - Best Town Performance (Group) - Most Interesting Role - Best Game - Best Overall Player
2015: Worst Mafia Performance (Group) - Best Read
2016: Best Town Performance (Group) - Best Town Player - Best Overall Player
EDIT: I certainly try to value my friends on humor and intellect, but I know, particularly with the girl I am close to, that my tendencies have more to do with our friendship than anything else. I have a few friends I wouldn't mind getting closer to who are smart and funny, but I don't want to do anything to mess it up so I've been holding off.
My EDH Decks!
BUGDamia, Combo-Control QueenBUG
RGWort, the RampmotherRG
WWWKemba, Voltron ExtraordinaireWWW
UBDralnu, Pure ControlUB
URHail to the DracogeniusUR
Grow up. And I'm not saying this to be insulting, I'm saying it because your stated attitudes towards women are incredibly immature and sexist and if you want to have meaningful adult relationships with women (platonic and romantic), you're really going to have to mature and grow beyond the childish attitudes you have now.
Women are more than prizes to be won or precious creatures that need your protection and I think what you need is real experience with women who are more than what you expect from females who won't put up with your ****. Sit in on female studies classes, go to a rally, speak with female leaders in your school/community/social circles, do anything that will allow you to interact with positive female role models. That sort of interaction will open your eyes and hopefully make you more receptive to women as things other than objects. Maybe it'll help you develop a modicum of self-control as well, since that seems to also be a factor here.
Archatmos
Excellion
Fracture: Israfiel (WBR), Wujal (URG), Valedon (GUB), Amduat (BGW), Paladris (RWU)
Collision (Set Two of the Fracture Block)
Quest for the Forsaken (Set Two of the Excellion Block)
Katingal: Plane of Chains
Maybe there's a kind of privilege to being gay in a way, because when you're growing up you aren't encouraged to objectify men in the way that boys are encouraged to objectify women.
I don't find myself having these sorts of problems in my interactions with other males.
Then again... maybe it would help you to not have so many sexual thoughts if you satisfied your sexual urges beforehand, if you know what I mean.
Also, if you're cognizant enough to recognize your (presumably) frequent sexual innuendos or whatever as "sexual harassment" here's an easy tip: just because an innuendo pops into your head doesn't mean you should say it. Changing your thought patterns is more difficult, but holding your tongue isn't really that hard.
Honestly, it's simply a matter of self-discipline. It's good that you recognize that you treat them differently. Now stop it. There are two big points your should consider here:
1.) Stop it
2.) No really, stop it
I wish I could offer more helpful advice, but it's really a matter of self-discipline. You are going to be around women you find attractive your entire life, and you're going to have to remain professional. Learning how to do that now will benefit you a lot in your life. Start practicing actively not thinking about those things now and you'll do a lot better. There are three other things that might help you out:
1.) Shower more. Seriously, nothing resets your hormones like a cold shower.
2.) More 'me time'. If you find you're having problems being overly hormonal around women, make sure to keep those hormone levels low.
3.) Sit farther away. Physical proximity will only increase the problem. Sit a little farther from your female friends.
And finally, again, start practicing changing those thought processes now. If you find your mind wandering where it shouldn't, force it in other directions.
TerribleBad at Magic since 1998.A Vorthos Guide to Magic Story | Twitter | Tumblr
[Primer] Krenko | Azor | Kess | Zacama | Kumena | Sram | The Ur-Dragon | Edgar Markov | Daretti | Marath
Also as you get older your lust will naturally diminish.
Mythic rarity is not destroying the game. People whine too much for no good reason. Magic is more popular than ever, so keep calm, brew some decks and play some damn cards.
Well the problem is that he's not just finding them attractive, he's outright focusing on these women as objects and ignoring their value as whole people. Objectification on that level is a huge obstacle in relationships because it shows a clear lack of respect of the woman being a person, which is a fairly fundamental building block in mature relationships.
Being attracted to people is natural (take it from me, I'm attracted to a lot of people I meet), but choosing to respect them over objectifying them is a learned choice and one a person absolutely needs to make if they intend on having adult relationships with people they find attractive.
Archatmos
Excellion
Fracture: Israfiel (WBR), Wujal (URG), Valedon (GUB), Amduat (BGW), Paladris (RWU)
Collision (Set Two of the Fracture Block)
Quest for the Forsaken (Set Two of the Excellion Block)
Katingal: Plane of Chains
See, I have a lot of female friends, and while I respect them all a lot, occasionally I do sexually fantiscize about them. It repulses me when I do because I recognize exactly what you're saying: that when I do so I'm removing their humanity and imagining them like some sort of toy and it leaves me feeling dirty inside. I'm not sure if it's an issue of hormones, self control, some sort of inner depravity, or all of the above.
To the OP: while I can't say that I'm all that much better in this respect, what I've done is basically created a list of people in my head whom I will not allow myself to think of in a sexual context. If it helps you can start with just your closest friend, basically continuing your behavior as normal EXCEPT with regards to her. Once that's sunk in, slowly expand your off-limits list. Rinse and repeat. I've found that the list has helped a lot, though I've had trouble with the expanding part. Perhaps you will find more luck
Hope that helps
Ehhhhh, I don't think fantasizing is intrinsically bad. I think if that fantasizing affects the relationship it's certainly bad. Ditto if it starts coloring your perception of your friend beyond the fantasy. But isolated fantasies aren't necessarily depraved in and of themselves, you can fantasize about someone and still respect them. I think you can probably cut yourself some slack.
Archatmos
Excellion
Fracture: Israfiel (WBR), Wujal (URG), Valedon (GUB), Amduat (BGW), Paladris (RWU)
Collision (Set Two of the Fracture Block)
Quest for the Forsaken (Set Two of the Excellion Block)
Katingal: Plane of Chains
After that? it's about changing the behavior. Catch yourself. Get your friends to call you out on it, or make fun of you for it. It's a great motivator for change. (It's still helping me combat the pride stuff)
The advice of going to a rally and talking seriously with older women is good. But basically, the more you get to know women as full-fledged people and the less you be a jerk about it, the easier it will get.
The first step is the hardest.
"It is not your place to rule, Radiant. It may not even be mine." ~Serra, Humble
"I Come Looking for Demons and I find a plane full of Angels. I Hate Angels" -Liliana Vess, Killing Wave
"Walls? What Walls?" ~Jaya Ballard, Task Mage, Word of Blasting
"I don't have to have the perfect plan. My foe just has to have an imperfect one." -Jace Beleren, Summoner's Bane
"When your cities and trinkets crumble, only nature will remain" ~Garruk Wildspeaker, Naturalize
my wife keeps scaring them off
My girl moved in, the bachelor pad has been SHUT DOWN
*cry*
My Buying Thread
"Hi. That dress looks absolutely grand on you. How are you today?"
Look at the artistry some women place into their looks and acknowledging that is good. Admiring beauty is an art, there are ways that men have done so for centuries without being overly sexualized about it.
Use compliments, smile, and ask them about themselves and encourage them to talk about things you find both interesting. Do nice things for other people. If someone does something nice for you, send/give them a thank you note.
It's called decorum. You'd best need to learn it, and how to be relational to others without being offsetting. Never use sexual innuendo, acknowledge your preferences in a healthy manner.
As for objectifying women, focus on the things that you admire in people and hold those in esteem and take time to appreciate the people who are around you. Meaning that those that are successful and those that have traits you see in yourself that want to see better exemplified. Ask questions, let them talk, and listen. Look them in the eye. Do nice things for people.
I tend to think in terms of "What can I do to make this person's day a bit easier?" Power is begot with power to change lives and opening up opportunity for others. If you have good interpersonal skills and can build a network of people that you can help to advance they will advance you as well.
You need women in your corner.
Start with small changes. Ask how people are, look them in the eye, make healthy compliments. Make no sexual innuendo.
Ambition must be made to counteract ambition.
Individualities may form communities, but it is institutions alone that can create a nation.
Nothing succeeds like the appearance of success.
Here is my principle: Taxes shall be levied according to ability to pay. That is the only American principle.
I have the exact same problem but I am getting over it. When I was your age (I'm now 25) I had many girls for friends and even best friends and it always ends up with me objectifying them and having sex with them. Now that I am older and have had a ltr (4 years) with a girl (who was a best friend...), I still have many female friends but don't objectify them to the same level. Do I still look at them like they are attractive? Yupp, but I don't act on it anymore.
Basically, you are 20 years old. Get jiggy with your female friends and live it up well you can! Don't worry about it, get it out of your system and you will be fine. That's what I did.
NOT THIS.
Just treat women well and be good (unless your asked not to), ignore the ones that are bad to you. Your 20, you'll think about their bodies all the time, it gets better with age, from total obsession to an "oh yeah, nice!", "mellow obsession".
It also helped a lot to hear from some of the posters in this thread that it is normal to fantasize about your peers/friends. It's another thing that I understand intellectually, but hearing people say it is a very different thing. I'm still a little awkward complimenting acquaintances/colleagues because the nature of our relationship feels different than it did for me in high school, but it's getting better. Thank you to everyone who gave their advice.
My EDH Decks!
BUGDamia, Combo-Control QueenBUG
RGWort, the RampmotherRG
WWWKemba, Voltron ExtraordinaireWWW
UBDralnu, Pure ControlUB
URHail to the DracogeniusUR
Thanks for the update - it's good to hear. This is an issue a lot of guys face, and it's nice to hear about someone who recognizes it and takes steps to correct it.
TerribleBad at Magic since 1998.A Vorthos Guide to Magic Story | Twitter | Tumblr
[Primer] Krenko | Azor | Kess | Zacama | Kumena | Sram | The Ur-Dragon | Edgar Markov | Daretti | Marath
My advice would be to try and treat them as much as your guy friends as possible. Thinking about a women just for the sexual part of them wont work in any friendship or relationship that I have seen. Personally, I have trouble "Hooking" up with someone who I don't really know. I actually like to become friends with them and their personality's are actually kinda what attracts me to them. Not just their looks.
This. Maybe it will help you change your perspective about women and that they shouldn't be treated as sexual objects. If that does not work, treat them like your guy friends.
OP is 20 years old. And male. I don't think his issues stem from his natural lust but his white knight mentality.
Do not be a white knight.
When you see a girl as a sex object, that's one thing - you're sleezy and unappealing to the politically correct. Fine. But you can at least embrace it; incorporate your true feelings into your daily behavior as a flirty dirtbag.
You might be sexist.
You might be immature.
You might be a late bloomer as far as sex drive goes.
So then maybe you're a jerk. So what? Don't repress it. Especially with white-knighting.
Do not be a white knight.
When you say you make a girl out to be a prize to be won, you're doing yourself a disservice. It's not healthy for you personally. It is not good for your self esteem to elevate a relationship to an accomplishment. Relationships and sexual encounters are just things that happen. White-knighting is also tremendously unattractive and transparent to pretty much any girl.
The white knight is the 'nice guy' who finishes last.
The white knight is who gets 'friend zoned' by girls.
The white knight is the polar opposite the 'bad boy' the adventurous girls enjoy.
Do not be a white knight.
"OH GOD MY BRAIN IS EXPLOADING AT HOW BAD THE ART IS ON MY OWN CARD"
-A friend's first impression of Ancestral Recall
10/10, I tapped.