I am not here for a sob story, or attention or anything other than maybe some insight and advice, if any, that this community may have for me.
I am not sure if reaching out is entirely correct and I feel almost as if finding someone who has ever found themselves following through with what I am thinking about doing, is not going to happen here.
I want a new, fresh life.
I am it an individual who believes in any god, but I would like to consider myself a spiritual person, who embraces my individual power to achieve whatever I want in the pursuit of happiness. I am a hedonistic person and it has led me up and dowry paths in my life that I can say I am glad I have hiked, no matter how trying or costly they may have been. They are part of who I am and they are things that have shaped me to be the beautiful individual that I am.
I am 24 years old. My parents are not together, my dad was driven away by my mom before I could retain memories. He stopped by for a birthday here and there, maybe a good 3 or 4 of them before I was 18. He was in and out of treatment as I grew up, for he was an alcoholic. I have an older sister with two beautiful children and a younger brother who shares my curiosity in arts and a zest for discovering new pleasures in life. I talk to my mother and father a few times a year, but not much. I have always considered myself a failure in their eyes and I am at peace with the fact as we are all three, very different people.
As a teenager (17) I fell into habitual opiate use and began to drink heavily. My best friend through school briefly started going through a similar situation after his girlfriend to a drunk driver hitting her. He experienced about 5-6 months of substance abuse before enrolling himself into a treatment facility. After he was clean he tried to get me to move back home and clean myself up. I remember him begging me on the phone saying he did not want to lose me. My substance use was primarily one of curiosity and excitement gone wrong, but after 13 months, I decided to take him up on his offer. Moving back home to clean up and start my life. I was home for about 3 weeks, telling him I would meet up with him once I settled in and before I was able to hang out with him, his father called me one morning saying he found him in his apartment when dropping off some of his stuff. He died at 19 from an overdose.
It took me a long time to get to a point where I was stable after that. I would binge for weeks, clean up and begin again. I moved away back to where my family was and I would have some support if I needed it. I am now 24 and I always remember how easy it is to lose myself and how rewarding it is to keep myself level.
The above, very brief synopsis is not the aim of this post. Enter the now.
I had been an an amazing relationship since the end of 2011. We would have our ups and downs like any couple, but we always managed to grow and learn. My life, for once, was not a struggle. It was easy to keep clean, focused and progressive with her in my life and while I cannot truly explain why, she was an deterrent for many dark things in my life. In April 2013, I ended the relationship. I needed breathing space. My job was suffocating me and I took a drastic pay cut for the position to allow me to give her my attention and time. However, with finances at an all time low, it was hard to scrape by and still court her and keep her happy with my time finally being demanded to increase financial flow. I needed time to figure it out and the relationship was hindering that too much for me to hope we could stay afloat and happy. After 2 weeks of sorting things out and grinding for a promotion, I sought to renew the relationship to find that she had decided to just move on. I lost her. She was my best friend, my rock, my shield and my sword.
We had a falling out and I sent our friendship and relationship crashing and burning. July is around the corner and my sights have been set on California. There is sunshine, new people and a new start for me. Away from many things in my life that have put weight onto my shoulders. I am incredibly excited to have an opportunity to move myself far from where I have been and who I have become and discover new things. As much as they have shaped me, they have also chipped away at me. I see this past as a limitation of who I am and who I can become and I see an opportunity to overcome all of it and build anew.
This may not be the most detailed post I could make about my life and who I am, but I also recognize that that person does not entirely matter right now when I am contemplating the biggest change and decision of my life...
Changing my name.
I don't want my current and past friends to ever find me. I have so many friends that I would deeply miss, but I don't want any of this anymore. I want a new life with a new name, one where my parents cannot seek me out or my friends try to remain in contact. My name is something which identifies my life as it has been and not what it can be.
Am I just crazy?
Does anyone have experience with this?
Just wanted to talk about the notion so I can come to a conclusion.
No one can tell you if you are crazy or not. Just our personal opinions.
In my opinion it's a bad idea, for a few reasons:
- I don't believe a 24 year old has enough life experience to rationally make a choice like that.
- Changing your name does not change you. You will still be you, All your experiences and hangups and good and bad qualities will all continue to exist and define you as a person
- Name changes are published in public records so if someone really wanted to find you, they still could
- I don't see any benefit is throwing away positive friendships.
- There's also the non significant hassles that go with changing your name.
In my experience, a lot of younger folks like to look at situation in these stark black/white, beginning/end terms. But as you get older you realize life generally doesn't work that way. When you travel a river, you flow down it continuously, things gradually changing and morphing as you experience the journey.
I don't see any upside to it, unless your name is either embarrassing or notorious enough to be a hindrance to you in some way. If your name was Mousillini Snotpockets, yeah, go ahead and get it changed Otherwise, changing your name isn't going to give you any more of a new life than any other cosmetic change would.
A name is an identifying feature of who you are and while it does not let me change my past, it lets me leave it in the past with my old name. As the person I am with the people I actively engage with and the name that ties into all of it, it might be my past, bit it is still a topic of discussion from time to time. It is never truly in my past, any of it. It is my past that I almost never bring up, but it is something others do bring up. Making it private knowledge changes a large dynamic
if someone really wants to find me, they can sift through public records, but I am confident that nobody I know would go through that effort.
24 is not old and it is a primary reason why I want to do it now. I have so much ahead and some heavy things to put behind me.
A name is an identifying feature of who you are and while it does not let me change my past, it lets me leave it in the past with my old name.
I don't think it will accomplish that any more than any other drastic cosmetic change. Shaving your head, becoming a blond, getting a tatoo, and of them could be used to signify a transition in life. Why choose a method with the hassle that goes along with changing your name?
As the person I am with the people I actively engage with and the name that ties into all of it, it might be my past, bit it is still a topic of discussion from time to time. It is never truly in my past, any of it. It is my past that I almost never bring up, but it is something others do bring up. Making it private knowledge changes a large dynamic
I don't see how. If you go from Mike to Bob, everyone who knows you from your Mike days will have the same relationship with you, and no one who meets you in CA as Bob would know you any more than if they met you in CA as Mike.
if someone really wants to find me, they can sift through public records, but I am confident that nobody I know would go through that effort.
If that's the case, they probably aren't going to bother looking you up in CA at all, regardless of your name. Unless it's super unique, chances are there are plenty of people in CA with the same name as you anyway. Or just don't tell people where you are moving too.
24 is not old and it is a primary reason why I want to do it now. I have so much ahead and some heavy things to put behind me.
I don't see how changing your name puts those things behind you. I worry that you would go through the hassle and realize that you are you no matter what your name is, and won't feel any different. None of your baggage goes away when you change your name.
But, if you are going to do it, I guess doing it during an inter state move is probably one of the better times since you will be getting fresh apartment leases, a new drivers licenses, new address, and new utilities anyway, so you don't have to fill out piles of forms to change your name on all your accounts. Also be aware that legal name changes can cause a hassle on credit reporting which can impact your ability to get an apartment, as well as your car insurance rates (and the obvious loans/mortgage applications)
You're just depressed. Just grit your teeth deal with it. Or run away, it;s your choice. Always remember you have it alot better than kids in warzones.
If you really want to fix your life join the military instead of changing your name or other random stuff.
Hmm maybe I just failed to communicate why I am wanting to doing it. It has nothing to do with depression. nor does it have anything to do with how people look at me, cosmetic as you are stating.
I let go of my garage and burdens from when I was younger. I have turned them into memories I look at as ones that have built me up into a stronger individual. Not something I am entirely ashamed of or fear. However, my connection with those experiences is something I am in tune with and understand. My family and friends however, do not. They see those things as emotional hang ups or mistakes or things they let burden even them. My family worries about me constantly and nags me or don't trust me.
I am an incredibly fortunate individual and I attribute it all to my success and failures, I am at peace with those things and myself. I have spoken about all of it 3 times in 5 years on my own initiative. one being right now. However, I hear about those parts of my past on a regular basis and no matter how I express how I feel about it and that it does not bother me, it is turned into something it is not by the people I know in my life.
I am moving to California for my own reasons and probably the biggest career move I can make at my age. I am already in a fortunate position. I am about to receive my degree in Graphic Communications Management and have a large career option in the table. I make enough money and maintain enough time to do the things I enjoy doing. I am able to comfortably make a living despite my expensive hobbies and growing up with nothing and living in Chicago during an incredibly rough point in my life, I am able to be here with the opportunities I have.
Changing my name is not to entirely escape myself. It is to identify myself in a world of unknown by a name which allows me to move on and away from my past and the people I know in a way I have not been able to simply by others knowing that part of me. It is not necessarily to hide it, it is to ultimately lay it to rest.
The closest thing I can really compare it to is self identity. My name is not who I am and it really should be. I remember when I first started stretching my ear lobes and for once I just felt more like myself, even without looking at my ears. Just feeling complete I guess. This is a really hard situation to explain for me.
Changing my name is not to entirely escape myself. It is to identify myself in a world of unknown by a name which allows me to move on and away from my past and the people I know in a way I have not been able to simply by others knowing that part of me. It is not necessarily to hide it, it is to ultimately lay it to rest.
But it's not going to change you. It's not going to lay to rest your past, it's not going to make you a new person, it's not going to give you any sort of "clean slate". Anyone who knows you will still know you. You will still be you.
If you really fell like you need to do it as some cathartic event, then do whatever you are going to do. But I think you are investing a lot more meaning and impact into this that you will actually get, and taking on a bunch of hassle in the bargain.
When I married my wife and she changed her last name, a few back office snafu's made it a major hassle we had to spend months detangling, and marriage name changes are usually a lot easier than court ordered name changes. I don't see how anyone could walk into a court as Mike, walk out as Bob, and feel any different than they did when they walked in. It's just a cosmetic change.
I have parted ways with that company for relocation. I attempted a transfer that was unable to be met. It was an internal promotion that was initially suppose to lead to an intra-company transfer that was unable to he met. With my schooling ending last semester I have began to seek a job in my field of study.
Well tell us more about that. Would be good to move someplace you've got a prospect. I hear it's quite a whirlwind in California.
I know what it's like to be in a rut and be excited to shed and transform but behavioral issues and your patterns are still there. It's very wise to maintain a rock. Parting completely from something is sometimes necessary or helpful, but at other times it is a dramatic and empty gesture that may well hobble you. You do t need to live the dream in this situation. Take it easy.
I think this is a very romantic idea you have and it sounds super cool and exciting but it also feels like one we've seen before and it's become a bit of a trope. The world tends to react to tropey ideas in a supply demand sorta way. And so you see a lot of slum living on the fringes of places like Vegas and Atlantic city. You kinda get what I'm saying?
Anyway focus on stuff that works, get healthy support from places you know you can count on it and don't get too excited about make or break ideas because they're insidious, they creep in and start justifying themselves. Reminds me of my own substance abuse problems but you probably know as much about that as anyone.
Changing your name will not solve any problems. It will not remove you from your past. Provided you're doing the right things (moving to another state w/out leaving a fwding address; deleting/hiding your profile on various social sites; changing your phone number; etc...) you shouldn't need to change your name to accomplish your goals.
But hey, if you think the name change will help, go for it. But it you want to completely disassociate yourself with your past, get your mind wiped, or even hypnotized. That way, you won't even recognize people who recognize you.
If it makes you feel better do it, but have in mind that running away from difficult situations isn't an actual solution. New problems will come in your future life eventually, are you going to run away again? Also you think too selflessly, do you not mind that some people might miss you? The best thing you should do is to find a way to deal with your problems... You are an 24 years old adult not a teenager...
There's a whole lot to unwrap, and he might want to do some reading on his to "figure himself out." Especially with relationships and addicts and the people around them and how those behaviors carry over into other areas. The effect is called co dependency, not exactly scientific though. It's something to certainly to look at if failed relationships and coping mechanisms aren't measuring up to lead to lasting changes.
Changing names and moving can be a great idea, the only downside though is carrying behavioral baggage.
Really analyze the behaviors and start small changes, do your home work on improving yourself by analyzing your weaknesses and failures. So that when you do get that new name, you really are a new man. If you need to talk to someone, then do so. It just sounds like you have a lot of issues and baggage.
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Well tell us more about that. Would be good to move someplace you've got a prospect. I hear it's quite a whirlwind in California.
I know what it's like to be in a rut and be excited to shed and transform but behavioral issues and your patterns are still there. It's very wise to maintain a rock. Parting completely from something is sometimes necessary or helpful, but at other times it is a dramatic and empty gesture that may well hobble you. You do t need to live the dream in this situation. Take it easy.
I think this is a very romantic idea you have and it sounds super cool and exciting but it also feels like one we've seen before and it's become a bit of a trope. The world tends to react to tropey ideas in a supply demand sorta way. And so you see a lot of slum living on the fringes of places like Vegas and Atlantic city. You kinda get what I'm saying?
Anyway focus on stuff that works, get healthy support from places you know you can count on it and don't get too excited about make or break ideas because they're insidious, they creep in and start justifying themselves. Reminds me of my own substance abuse problems but you probably know as much about that as anyone.
I never went to a program to clean up, my family won't take me seriously until I go through the steps they deem appropriate for an addict. However, I am a pretty strong willed individual. I cleaned up and maintained myself fairly well. I attend NA meetings quarterly for a refresher, or I go in if I feel like I need to get it out in a closed setting. I have a dog, who is such a light in my life. He keeps me out and active and invested in a living being other than myself. He requires me to keep constant upkeep. He is my closest family and in the process of training for his CGC and service animal certification. I know most people get plants, such as my fathers case when he would come out of treatment for his drinking. In a way, I wad fortunate to observe him in the very rare occasion I saw or spoke with him.
As far as my career goes, a firm has offered me a marketing position for an ad campaign they are launching n the fall. My pay would double what it is now and it is an opening to a permanent job if things go as planned. I am not aimlessly leaving for California. If the job does not pan out after this campaign, I am not sure where I will be. But it gives me about a year to have a plan B.
I am happy sober. I remember many nights of my life where I would be strung out sitting, doing nothing but reflecting on everything. It breeds a deep hate for a lot of things that will only lead to an absolute bottom you just won't come out of one day. I guess the fear of where that hate may take me is a driving factor for moving on from substances on my own. I am not someone who asks for help. It is incredibly hard for me. That pride drives me to analyze my situation a lot and I am pretty good at applying myself which is probably why I managed to get where I am despite everything.
Healthy habits is big for me. When I am doing something healthy, I feel productive and when I feel productive I feel good. Being a hedonistic person, it continues to keep me doing healthy things for the most part.
If things do get a little tight, I generally bury myself in magic. By bury, I mean I will do nothing but shuffle and sling cards for days. It is most definitely a crutch, and one thing I have taken away from this year is that if might be too much of a crutch. It distracts me from other things I should probably tend to.
If it makes you feel better do it, but have in mind that running away from difficult situations isn't an actual solution. New problems will come in your future life eventually, are you going to run away again? Also you think too selflessly, do you not mind that some people might miss you? The best thing you should do is to find a way to deal with your problems... You are an 24 years old adult not a teenager...
I feel like I am getting an incredible amount of ignorant push back. Not really what I expected, but I should have when I posted this. I am able to keep myself in check, if I can't I know what resources I have to catch myself. I am by no means running away from my problem. I do however feel, that those people in my life, as amazing as they are, hinder me completely moving forward. They are a negative reminder of a part of my life that I myself, have moved on from. A constant nagging. Everything I do or say somehow finds it's way into a discussion of my past. I can't even tell my parents I am going to a magic event state lines away with them reminding me of what areas of the city I should avoid so I do not relapse, or calling me every couple hours to make sure I am okay and at the event. There are also a lot more personal conversations that come up which I don't wish to share here, but it is things like that. It is nothing intentional that they are doing, but it impacts me, as a recovering addict, in a big way. It instills thoughts I would otherwise not be thinking and it really sets an overtone for everything I do for the next few days.
To say I am running from a past that I have already come to terms with and studied, is not really accurate and it seems most people here are missing that.
There's a whole lot to unwrap, and he might want to do some reading on his to "figure himself out." Especially with relationships and addicts and the people around them and how those behaviors carry over into other areas. The effect is called co dependency, not exactly scientific though. It's something to certainly to look at if failed relationships and coping mechanisms aren't measuring up to lead to lasting changes.
Changing names and moving can be a great idea, the only downside though is carrying behavioral baggage.
Really analyze the behaviors and start small changes, do your home work on improving yourself by analyzing your weaknesses and failures. So that when you do get that new name, you really are a new man. If you need to talk to someone, then do so. It just sounds like you have a lot of issues and baggage.
Personal growth and development are big for me. I don't really know myself all that well, I only know the person I learned to be with the influences that were available to me when I needed something with more structure. I am always learning new things about myself, it is exciting.
You are the first person here to throw co dependency out there, but I am a very co dependant person. That is why I got a dog instead of a plant. It is also my biggest fear about moving forward to a state where I do not know anyone and another reason I have not just gone ahead with all if this yet. I have my dog, which is nice when I am spending time at home alone. He keeps my attention and gives me company. This all is a big change for me, and I don't know if he will be enough, fortunately I am a pretty outgoing and social person which makes meeting new people a pretty quick event.
I am three and a half years sober myself (booze and pills), and I do know that you gotta learn how to listen to the right "you", because the wrong "you" led you down that path you have worked to get off of. I think it is smart to get away from the people associated with your past mistakes, but changing your name and hiding from your past is not going to help. Moving is not a bad idea, but isolating yourself by way of hiding will hurt more than help. Changing your name...whatever, man, but it is not going to change the fact that you are a product of your past. For good or ill.
Do you have a sponsor? I did not complete the 12 steps, so I understand that it is not for everyone, but the best aspect of the program is getting a sponsor that will support you when you are being healthy, and tell you when you are talking ****. I don't know you so take it or leave it, but you need someone besides your dog.
Being alone, even with a great dog, is almost a sure path to relapse. People get sober and stay sober because of the people in their life that support them. The reason that NA works is because it is social and provides you with people that understand what you are going through and will not judge. Being alone and ignoring your past is the easiest thing you could do, but it will kill you. Being accountable to and for other human beings will give you the strenght and the foundation to be that person you want to be without running away from your past.
The main thing I would add to this topic is that there isn't such a thing as a fresh start or a clean slate, just because of the nature of human memory and personality; we are who we are because of the choices we have made and the experiences we have had. Moving to California will not wipe your memory clean or make your negative emotions subside; there is no Men-in-Black memory wipe to be had there. Similarly, changing your name doesn't change who you are; you can call it a roundish yellow citrus fruit but I still know you're talking about a lemon, and it doesn't change what the lemon actually is.
If you have truly made the decision to move on from what sounds like a horrible early life then that is already the best step you could have made. Anything on top of that would just be psychosomatic.
It's important, however, that you take steps in accepting what has happened in your life so far. You might not like it, and you want to get away from it, but as I've said, these experiences are part of you and the more you desire to be rid of them, the greater the impact they'll have on your psyche, whether you're in California or not. I'm sorry about your friend and especially about your girlfriend (where you did the right thing and she let you down after all your hard work), but if there's anything you can learn from that, then it would be from your girlfriend: life doesn't stop and you can always move onto the next thing.
Finding someone to talk to is always good with these sort of issues also. If you have a friend who is willing to listen to your train of thought then excellent, if not then counselling is an excellent investment of time and money for getting your head on straight. Consider CBT if that's available too.
Oh, and good luck. Sharing what you've shared, even on the internet, is a tough thing to do, and the people on here will support you in the hard times.
I slipped into the Alano Club last night for their Sunday evening NA meeting to just kind of sit down and get some things out there, as much as I hate going to those meetings I did open up for the night about my future plans and the whole name changing thing.
The group was pretty receptive to the idea, there was a gentleman there who basically said what most of you said, that it does not change what I have done or get me away from any of that, but the group leader brought it into discussion afterwards.
He put it into a bit more perspective for me. We are who we are and we do what we do, changing the behaviors that motivate us to do many things is the key to being successful, but something like a name change, while it may not change what I have gone through it can help me solidify a self identity that fosters positive behaviors as I adjust to a new place and new relationships while actively practicing positive and productive behavior.
Exercising is a proven way to get your stress out. just a few cents.
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What I notice from this is that the root of this desire to change your name really has nothing to do with the name itself. It has to do with this need to move forward and put the past away.
You can do that without changing your name. You can start over. You can move to a new state. You can change your life for the better. You can cut any and all of these people out of your life for good.
All of these things are within your power to do. You do not have to change your name as a prerequisite to do them.
Now, if you feel it will help you to do so, then you have the legal authority to do so. However, be sure to understand that it is not necessary for you to do so, and please also understand that changing your name is not in itself a ticket to a new life. You have the power to change your life, but that comes from work and effort from you, not from any name change.
I agree with other posters than changing your name to escape your past isn't a permanent solution. However, it is quite a significant symbolic gesture, and if having a new name is that important to you in moving on with your life, then I don't see why you should let any naysayers stop you. Just as long as you understand that it really is just a symbolic gesture, and that what you make of it thereafter and how you choose to craft your new life, is entirely up to you.
I wish you luck.
Edit: or just read Highroller's post above.
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I am not sure if reaching out is entirely correct and I feel almost as if finding someone who has ever found themselves following through with what I am thinking about doing, is not going to happen here.
I want a new, fresh life.
I am it an individual who believes in any god, but I would like to consider myself a spiritual person, who embraces my individual power to achieve whatever I want in the pursuit of happiness. I am a hedonistic person and it has led me up and dowry paths in my life that I can say I am glad I have hiked, no matter how trying or costly they may have been. They are part of who I am and they are things that have shaped me to be the beautiful individual that I am.
I am 24 years old. My parents are not together, my dad was driven away by my mom before I could retain memories. He stopped by for a birthday here and there, maybe a good 3 or 4 of them before I was 18. He was in and out of treatment as I grew up, for he was an alcoholic. I have an older sister with two beautiful children and a younger brother who shares my curiosity in arts and a zest for discovering new pleasures in life. I talk to my mother and father a few times a year, but not much. I have always considered myself a failure in their eyes and I am at peace with the fact as we are all three, very different people.
As a teenager (17) I fell into habitual opiate use and began to drink heavily. My best friend through school briefly started going through a similar situation after his girlfriend to a drunk driver hitting her. He experienced about 5-6 months of substance abuse before enrolling himself into a treatment facility. After he was clean he tried to get me to move back home and clean myself up. I remember him begging me on the phone saying he did not want to lose me. My substance use was primarily one of curiosity and excitement gone wrong, but after 13 months, I decided to take him up on his offer. Moving back home to clean up and start my life. I was home for about 3 weeks, telling him I would meet up with him once I settled in and before I was able to hang out with him, his father called me one morning saying he found him in his apartment when dropping off some of his stuff. He died at 19 from an overdose.
It took me a long time to get to a point where I was stable after that. I would binge for weeks, clean up and begin again. I moved away back to where my family was and I would have some support if I needed it. I am now 24 and I always remember how easy it is to lose myself and how rewarding it is to keep myself level.
The above, very brief synopsis is not the aim of this post. Enter the now.
I had been an an amazing relationship since the end of 2011. We would have our ups and downs like any couple, but we always managed to grow and learn. My life, for once, was not a struggle. It was easy to keep clean, focused and progressive with her in my life and while I cannot truly explain why, she was an deterrent for many dark things in my life. In April 2013, I ended the relationship. I needed breathing space. My job was suffocating me and I took a drastic pay cut for the position to allow me to give her my attention and time. However, with finances at an all time low, it was hard to scrape by and still court her and keep her happy with my time finally being demanded to increase financial flow. I needed time to figure it out and the relationship was hindering that too much for me to hope we could stay afloat and happy. After 2 weeks of sorting things out and grinding for a promotion, I sought to renew the relationship to find that she had decided to just move on. I lost her. She was my best friend, my rock, my shield and my sword.
We had a falling out and I sent our friendship and relationship crashing and burning. July is around the corner and my sights have been set on California. There is sunshine, new people and a new start for me. Away from many things in my life that have put weight onto my shoulders. I am incredibly excited to have an opportunity to move myself far from where I have been and who I have become and discover new things. As much as they have shaped me, they have also chipped away at me. I see this past as a limitation of who I am and who I can become and I see an opportunity to overcome all of it and build anew.
This may not be the most detailed post I could make about my life and who I am, but I also recognize that that person does not entirely matter right now when I am contemplating the biggest change and decision of my life...
Changing my name.
I don't want my current and past friends to ever find me. I have so many friends that I would deeply miss, but I don't want any of this anymore. I want a new life with a new name, one where my parents cannot seek me out or my friends try to remain in contact. My name is something which identifies my life as it has been and not what it can be.
Am I just crazy?
Does anyone have experience with this?
Just wanted to talk about the notion so I can come to a conclusion.
In my opinion it's a bad idea, for a few reasons:
- I don't believe a 24 year old has enough life experience to rationally make a choice like that.
- Changing your name does not change you. You will still be you, All your experiences and hangups and good and bad qualities will all continue to exist and define you as a person
- Name changes are published in public records so if someone really wanted to find you, they still could
- I don't see any benefit is throwing away positive friendships.
- There's also the non significant hassles that go with changing your name.
In my experience, a lot of younger folks like to look at situation in these stark black/white, beginning/end terms. But as you get older you realize life generally doesn't work that way. When you travel a river, you flow down it continuously, things gradually changing and morphing as you experience the journey.
I don't see any upside to it, unless your name is either embarrassing or notorious enough to be a hindrance to you in some way. If your name was Mousillini Snotpockets, yeah, go ahead and get it changed Otherwise, changing your name isn't going to give you any more of a new life than any other cosmetic change would.
A name is an identifying feature of who you are and while it does not let me change my past, it lets me leave it in the past with my old name. As the person I am with the people I actively engage with and the name that ties into all of it, it might be my past, bit it is still a topic of discussion from time to time. It is never truly in my past, any of it. It is my past that I almost never bring up, but it is something others do bring up. Making it private knowledge changes a large dynamic
if someone really wants to find me, they can sift through public records, but I am confident that nobody I know would go through that effort.
24 is not old and it is a primary reason why I want to do it now. I have so much ahead and some heavy things to put behind me.
What's going to happen when you want to change your name again because California kicks your ass?
I don't think it will accomplish that any more than any other drastic cosmetic change. Shaving your head, becoming a blond, getting a tatoo, and of them could be used to signify a transition in life. Why choose a method with the hassle that goes along with changing your name?
I don't see how. If you go from Mike to Bob, everyone who knows you from your Mike days will have the same relationship with you, and no one who meets you in CA as Bob would know you any more than if they met you in CA as Mike.
If that's the case, they probably aren't going to bother looking you up in CA at all, regardless of your name. Unless it's super unique, chances are there are plenty of people in CA with the same name as you anyway. Or just don't tell people where you are moving too.
I don't see how changing your name puts those things behind you. I worry that you would go through the hassle and realize that you are you no matter what your name is, and won't feel any different. None of your baggage goes away when you change your name.
But, if you are going to do it, I guess doing it during an inter state move is probably one of the better times since you will be getting fresh apartment leases, a new drivers licenses, new address, and new utilities anyway, so you don't have to fill out piles of forms to change your name on all your accounts. Also be aware that legal name changes can cause a hassle on credit reporting which can impact your ability to get an apartment, as well as your car insurance rates (and the obvious loans/mortgage applications)
If you really want to fix your life join the military instead of changing your name or other random stuff.
I let go of my garage and burdens from when I was younger. I have turned them into memories I look at as ones that have built me up into a stronger individual. Not something I am entirely ashamed of or fear. However, my connection with those experiences is something I am in tune with and understand. My family and friends however, do not. They see those things as emotional hang ups or mistakes or things they let burden even them. My family worries about me constantly and nags me or don't trust me.
I am an incredibly fortunate individual and I attribute it all to my success and failures, I am at peace with those things and myself. I have spoken about all of it 3 times in 5 years on my own initiative. one being right now. However, I hear about those parts of my past on a regular basis and no matter how I express how I feel about it and that it does not bother me, it is turned into something it is not by the people I know in my life.
I am moving to California for my own reasons and probably the biggest career move I can make at my age. I am already in a fortunate position. I am about to receive my degree in Graphic Communications Management and have a large career option in the table. I make enough money and maintain enough time to do the things I enjoy doing. I am able to comfortably make a living despite my expensive hobbies and growing up with nothing and living in Chicago during an incredibly rough point in my life, I am able to be here with the opportunities I have.
Changing my name is not to entirely escape myself. It is to identify myself in a world of unknown by a name which allows me to move on and away from my past and the people I know in a way I have not been able to simply by others knowing that part of me. It is not necessarily to hide it, it is to ultimately lay it to rest.
The closest thing I can really compare it to is self identity. My name is not who I am and it really should be. I remember when I first started stretching my ear lobes and for once I just felt more like myself, even without looking at my ears. Just feeling complete I guess. This is a really hard situation to explain for me.
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I don't do fantasy names, nor do I have a name I have always wanted.
But it's not going to change you. It's not going to lay to rest your past, it's not going to make you a new person, it's not going to give you any sort of "clean slate". Anyone who knows you will still know you. You will still be you.
If you really fell like you need to do it as some cathartic event, then do whatever you are going to do. But I think you are investing a lot more meaning and impact into this that you will actually get, and taking on a bunch of hassle in the bargain.
When I married my wife and she changed her last name, a few back office snafu's made it a major hassle we had to spend months detangling, and marriage name changes are usually a lot easier than court ordered name changes. I don't see how anyone could walk into a court as Mike, walk out as Bob, and feel any different than they did when they walked in. It's just a cosmetic change.
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I have parted ways with that company for relocation. I attempted a transfer that was unable to be met. It was an internal promotion that was initially suppose to lead to an intra-company transfer that was unable to he met. With my schooling ending last semester I have began to seek a job in my field of study.
I know what it's like to be in a rut and be excited to shed and transform but behavioral issues and your patterns are still there. It's very wise to maintain a rock. Parting completely from something is sometimes necessary or helpful, but at other times it is a dramatic and empty gesture that may well hobble you. You do t need to live the dream in this situation. Take it easy.
I think this is a very romantic idea you have and it sounds super cool and exciting but it also feels like one we've seen before and it's become a bit of a trope. The world tends to react to tropey ideas in a supply demand sorta way. And so you see a lot of slum living on the fringes of places like Vegas and Atlantic city. You kinda get what I'm saying?
Anyway focus on stuff that works, get healthy support from places you know you can count on it and don't get too excited about make or break ideas because they're insidious, they creep in and start justifying themselves. Reminds me of my own substance abuse problems but you probably know as much about that as anyone.
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But hey, if you think the name change will help, go for it. But it you want to completely disassociate yourself with your past, get your mind wiped, or even hypnotized. That way, you won't even recognize people who recognize you.
There's a whole lot to unwrap, and he might want to do some reading on his to "figure himself out." Especially with relationships and addicts and the people around them and how those behaviors carry over into other areas. The effect is called co dependency, not exactly scientific though. It's something to certainly to look at if failed relationships and coping mechanisms aren't measuring up to lead to lasting changes.
Changing names and moving can be a great idea, the only downside though is carrying behavioral baggage.
Really analyze the behaviors and start small changes, do your home work on improving yourself by analyzing your weaknesses and failures. So that when you do get that new name, you really are a new man. If you need to talk to someone, then do so. It just sounds like you have a lot of issues and baggage.
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I never went to a program to clean up, my family won't take me seriously until I go through the steps they deem appropriate for an addict. However, I am a pretty strong willed individual. I cleaned up and maintained myself fairly well. I attend NA meetings quarterly for a refresher, or I go in if I feel like I need to get it out in a closed setting. I have a dog, who is such a light in my life. He keeps me out and active and invested in a living being other than myself. He requires me to keep constant upkeep. He is my closest family and in the process of training for his CGC and service animal certification. I know most people get plants, such as my fathers case when he would come out of treatment for his drinking. In a way, I wad fortunate to observe him in the very rare occasion I saw or spoke with him.
As far as my career goes, a firm has offered me a marketing position for an ad campaign they are launching n the fall. My pay would double what it is now and it is an opening to a permanent job if things go as planned. I am not aimlessly leaving for California. If the job does not pan out after this campaign, I am not sure where I will be. But it gives me about a year to have a plan B.
I am happy sober. I remember many nights of my life where I would be strung out sitting, doing nothing but reflecting on everything. It breeds a deep hate for a lot of things that will only lead to an absolute bottom you just won't come out of one day. I guess the fear of where that hate may take me is a driving factor for moving on from substances on my own. I am not someone who asks for help. It is incredibly hard for me. That pride drives me to analyze my situation a lot and I am pretty good at applying myself which is probably why I managed to get where I am despite everything.
Healthy habits is big for me. When I am doing something healthy, I feel productive and when I feel productive I feel good. Being a hedonistic person, it continues to keep me doing healthy things for the most part.
If things do get a little tight, I generally bury myself in magic. By bury, I mean I will do nothing but shuffle and sling cards for days. It is most definitely a crutch, and one thing I have taken away from this year is that if might be too much of a crutch. It distracts me from other things I should probably tend to.
I feel like I am getting an incredible amount of ignorant push back. Not really what I expected, but I should have when I posted this. I am able to keep myself in check, if I can't I know what resources I have to catch myself. I am by no means running away from my problem. I do however feel, that those people in my life, as amazing as they are, hinder me completely moving forward. They are a negative reminder of a part of my life that I myself, have moved on from. A constant nagging. Everything I do or say somehow finds it's way into a discussion of my past. I can't even tell my parents I am going to a magic event state lines away with them reminding me of what areas of the city I should avoid so I do not relapse, or calling me every couple hours to make sure I am okay and at the event. There are also a lot more personal conversations that come up which I don't wish to share here, but it is things like that. It is nothing intentional that they are doing, but it impacts me, as a recovering addict, in a big way. It instills thoughts I would otherwise not be thinking and it really sets an overtone for everything I do for the next few days.
To say I am running from a past that I have already come to terms with and studied, is not really accurate and it seems most people here are missing that.
Personal growth and development are big for me. I don't really know myself all that well, I only know the person I learned to be with the influences that were available to me when I needed something with more structure. I am always learning new things about myself, it is exciting.
You are the first person here to throw co dependency out there, but I am a very co dependant person. That is why I got a dog instead of a plant. It is also my biggest fear about moving forward to a state where I do not know anyone and another reason I have not just gone ahead with all if this yet. I have my dog, which is nice when I am spending time at home alone. He keeps my attention and gives me company. This all is a big change for me, and I don't know if he will be enough, fortunately I am a pretty outgoing and social person which makes meeting new people a pretty quick event.
Do you have a sponsor? I did not complete the 12 steps, so I understand that it is not for everyone, but the best aspect of the program is getting a sponsor that will support you when you are being healthy, and tell you when you are talking ****. I don't know you so take it or leave it, but you need someone besides your dog.
Being alone, even with a great dog, is almost a sure path to relapse. People get sober and stay sober because of the people in their life that support them. The reason that NA works is because it is social and provides you with people that understand what you are going through and will not judge. Being alone and ignoring your past is the easiest thing you could do, but it will kill you. Being accountable to and for other human beings will give you the strenght and the foundation to be that person you want to be without running away from your past.
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If you have truly made the decision to move on from what sounds like a horrible early life then that is already the best step you could have made. Anything on top of that would just be psychosomatic.
It's important, however, that you take steps in accepting what has happened in your life so far. You might not like it, and you want to get away from it, but as I've said, these experiences are part of you and the more you desire to be rid of them, the greater the impact they'll have on your psyche, whether you're in California or not. I'm sorry about your friend and especially about your girlfriend (where you did the right thing and she let you down after all your hard work), but if there's anything you can learn from that, then it would be from your girlfriend: life doesn't stop and you can always move onto the next thing.
Finding someone to talk to is always good with these sort of issues also. If you have a friend who is willing to listen to your train of thought then excellent, if not then counselling is an excellent investment of time and money for getting your head on straight. Consider CBT if that's available too.
Oh, and good luck. Sharing what you've shared, even on the internet, is a tough thing to do, and the people on here will support you in the hard times.
The group was pretty receptive to the idea, there was a gentleman there who basically said what most of you said, that it does not change what I have done or get me away from any of that, but the group leader brought it into discussion afterwards.
He put it into a bit more perspective for me. We are who we are and we do what we do, changing the behaviors that motivate us to do many things is the key to being successful, but something like a name change, while it may not change what I have gone through it can help me solidify a self identity that fosters positive behaviors as I adjust to a new place and new relationships while actively practicing positive and productive behavior.
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Find a friend/gf that makes you feel that way again. No need to move or change your name.
You can do that without changing your name. You can start over. You can move to a new state. You can change your life for the better. You can cut any and all of these people out of your life for good.
All of these things are within your power to do. You do not have to change your name as a prerequisite to do them.
Now, if you feel it will help you to do so, then you have the legal authority to do so. However, be sure to understand that it is not necessary for you to do so, and please also understand that changing your name is not in itself a ticket to a new life. You have the power to change your life, but that comes from work and effort from you, not from any name change.
I wish you the best.
I wish you luck.
Edit: or just read Highroller's post above.