How should I go about coming out? I have finally worked up the courage, and I want to do it, but I just can't for the life of me think of how. If anybody who has gone through this has any tips for me, they would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.
How should I go about coming out? I have finally worked up the courage, and I want to do it, but I just can't for the life of me think of how. If anybody who has gone through this has any tips for me, they would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.
Who are you coming out to? Remember that the setting should be proportional to the emotional stake the other person (s) have in your life. Friends, you can usually discuss over coffee what you want to say. Parents/siblings, different story altogether.
Pick a time and place where you and your family can expect not to be interrupted or rushed. Coming out in the middle of an argument or disagreement is not a good way to foster support, tolerance, and respect.
Set up ahead of time by explaining that you have some thoughts weighing on your mind and would like their ear. Don't make the mistake of suggesting that you want advice, or they may take that as a sign you are unsure about yourself, it could invite a lot of criticism or patronizing/pooh-poohing.
Keep it brief, but spend a minute prefacing your declaration by describing how you came to the realization. "For some time I've felt like something was missing from my life. I see my schoolmates pairing off and somehow knew I was different. And the missing piece seems to be that I'm attracted to men. I've thought about it for many months, questioned myself, but always I am true to this, that I'm gay. I honestly don't know what comes next, so I needed to talk to you. I felt you would want to know. And I'm glad you are here with me to listen." Talk to them, make eye contact, be open and straightforward, and speak in a calm tone of voice.
Short and sweet, and to the point. No details about your relationships, no fantasies, these are your personal business and you have both a right to your privacy, and a vested interest in avoiding territory which for some folks is quite shocking and distasteful.
Give people time to absorb what you've said, and think about it, and respond. Give them a chance to say their piece. They may have nothing to say, but you mustn't tread on this few moments of silence.
From here on out, you're sorta on your own. People react in different ways. Friends might wonder if you've ever had a thing for them. Parents might be filled with dread that you have an older man who is using you, or somehow this information will destroy them socially and financially. Siblings may regress into petty rivalries, but may rally to your side. If you've had a history of emotional problems, your family might assume this is one of your "issues" rearing its head, and you must conduct yourself in a mature, sensible, and simpatico manner from now on to convince them you have made this decision rationally after months to years of self-reflection, and not to manipulate them.
I haven't gone through it, but I have friends who have, and it's neither as easy nor as disastrous as it first seems. All I can say is, to thine own self be true, and to everyone else, WATCH OUT! I sincerely hope this works out for you and this is able to help.
I agree with everything Snoop said. I have had multiple people come out to me and my advice is to start with a friend. Choose someone you have a strong friendship with and just tell him/her. They may be a bit shocked at first but don't mistake this for disaproval, most epople are surprised when they here, but are fine with it.
Good luck, i'm sure that it will work itself out. Remeber that you are who you are and no one can criticize you for it.
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Thank you very much for that well thought out and intelligent responce, SnoopDoggAtog, I will definately follow some of your advice.
I told my parents right after school today, and they didn't take it so well. He isn't speaking to me atm, and my mom just cried. A few of my friends didn't take it so well either, so now my life is in shambles, but it'll pick up. Sorry for the double post.
I am here for you sweety, feel free to message or msn.
You will be surprised. The people you expect support from often do not, and often those we assume will have problems will often become your best friends.
When I came out as trans to my friends, they all said they supported and accepted me. As I slowly started to transition, they met each statement with "You are alienating us"
So now I do not have them as friends. It is sad, but I am happy that way. Why? Because friends that cannot accept and respect you are not really friends. As much as you love and count on them, if they don't come around then it is their loss and you will make more. They obviously valued your friendship for a reason, you are not a different person.
As for parents? That is rough. Give them time. Even if they can accept it, they still need time.
Personally I feel that family is those that love and respect you, and does not necessarilly mean blood. But you have a lifetime long bond with these people. Having them have an issue with this means you have an issue with this as well. Because family shares each others pain and burden.
Talk to them. Tell them you do not expect them to understand it, but you wish they could accept it. Make sure they realize you are still the same person. That it hurts you to hurt them, but hurts more to try and fight and hide how you feel inside. That you love them and do not want to hide from them anymore.
It is not as if I didn't see my parent's responce coming, I just tried to make myself believe that they would take it well. Both my parents are very religeous, so my upbringing as of so far has been, too. My mom is still crying, and it makes me feel awful.
One of my good friends is gay and his parents had a far worse reaction to his coming out. They were very religious and so was his upbringing, they took the news very hard. His mother will not even look at him and his father disowned him. It took him some time to get over this reaction but he has friends who understand who he is and he is a stronger person for having gone through this, as you will hopefully not have to go through yourself.
It sounds like your parents are taking it pretty well for religious folk. I say try to talk to them calmly and rationally when they have a chance for it too sink in. Assure them this was no failing in their raising you or anything of the sort. This is how god created you and you want them to understand who you are. This does not change who you are, just what you find attractive. You still have your hobbies and favorite shows and personal quirks and are still their child who loves them. Just as some people like the color blue while others may prefer red you just like a different color then “normal”*. This does not change who you are or how you feel about them. If you were into scat or bestiality that would be something to worry about, you just prefer the same sex so what’s the big deal? (My attempt at humor, may be appropriate to lighten the mood or to have you wonder what is wrong with this guy. Your mileage may vary)
Hang in there and it will all sort its self out. Good job coming out and letting them know who you really are. Trying to be fake and hide who you are would only have lead to self loathing and unhappiness.
*This normality is purely for the straights benefit as they need to label and quantify everything in their world to feel safe and accepted. There is actually no such thing as normal but this is impossible to explain to the moral majority and the religious right so please bear with them.
My mom is still crying, and it makes me feel awful.
i can imagine how hard it would be to hear/see your mother cry. Its ok to feel bad about her crying but dont feel bad about being gay. its not something you can help and at least your truthful with your self and with them. hang in there.
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It is not as if I didn't see my parent's responce coming, I just tried to make myself believe that they would take it well. Both my parents are very religeous, so my upbringing as of so far has been, too. My mom is still crying, and it makes me feel awful.
One thing I've learned is that you're not responsible for how others react to news like this. You really shouldn't feel awful because aside from remaining in the closet for their sake (not really an attractive option in my opinion), there's not much you could've done to make this easier for them.
I felt bad at first, too, when my parents didn't take the news well. Then I realized that they only took it hard because they were ashamed of me for not being the son they wanted me to be. It didn't take long for me to get over feeling bad for them. Of course, it helps that I'm spiteful, but I guess your mileage may vary.
I'm sorry their reactions are so hard on you. It's as hard on people to accept news like this as it is to bring it up to them, even if there are signals beforehand. People believe what they want to, and the only way to show them it's any different is to directly say so.
But, as {mikeyG} said, you can't control their feelings, only your own. I had a similar experience when explaining to my folks that I simply don't believe in God. When it finally came to a head and I couldn't lie about it anymore, my mom, the most religious person in my family, took it very hard, and it tore me up for a while.
It only ended on my side when I realized that her pain is not truly my doing. After a few months, she grew more accustomed to it, and things feel pretty normal between us. My dad periodically reminds me that she's hurting, but in that way, he seems to be trying to guilt me into living the lie again, which helps nobody.
Just my experience with it, thinking it might help.
If I were to offer any advice, it'd be to be willing to talk it all over when they want, but not bringing it up on your own for a while. It'll take time, but things will calm down again.
But yeah, if you just need someone to talk to about anything at all, I'm definitely a friend-maker.
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My anecdotal evidence disagrees with yours! EXPLAIN THAT!
A lot of it has to do with your own personal circumstances. I came out when I was seventeen, but I'd never exactly been a jock with girls hanging off me, so it didn't come as *too* much of a surprise to anyone. Coming out when you're younger, or when it really seems like a shock to people will obviously cause stronger reactions. Also, my friends were mostly girls and/or nerds, so it wasn't terribly important to them. If your friends are guys - especially the kind of guys who aren't terribly secure in their own masculinity - they'll take it harder.
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Find a boy with long hair and a rather pretty looking face, then make out with him in front of your family. If they react badly, be like "Oh man, I totally thought you were a girl"... but if they react in a good way, be like "yeah, I've been meaning to kiss a dude in front of you for a while now"... if they don't react at all, just continue kissing boys in front of them... nothing wrong with that.
What I think you have to concentrate on now is finding a base of people who will support you. It sounds like you are probably going to have a hard time with your parents from here on out. So you need contacts, people who you can ask for help. I highly recommend a Pride support group, if one is in the area.
Hopefully, you won't lose any friends over it, but as Sakura said, if you do, then they weren't friends in the first place.
Help has come in the form of a bit of basic algebra. I feel that it'll shed some light on your problem here.
Basically:
S + T = W
...S in this case stands for 'spam' and the T stands for 'light trolling'. And the W? That stands for 'Warning'. I love math. -- {mikeyG}
Make a thread asking about "coming out" on a magic forum then send the link your parents, relatives, friends, and anyone else who needs to know. Alternatively, you could just tell them.
Now that your parents know, start telling them they can buy your way to a 'straight' life, then as they purchase all this cool stuff for you, just be gay behind their backs. That'll teach them for lacking acceptance.
First person I came out to thought it was a joke, and so she laughed. Then she looked at me and realized it wasn't.
My sister's reaction was the best... I told her, and then without delay she just freaks out "Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh... does that mean we can go shopping together now?!?!" Hooray for stereotypes, right?
I still haven't come out to my parents. I'm one of those lucky one's who's bi, so I actually *do* have a bit of a choice. I prefer guys mostly, but girls aren't half bad, either. I'm able to continue to date people and not come out to my parents, they just think I have dry spells every now and then where I can't find a girl or whatnot...
My advice to you mimics a lot of what has been said already, though. I grew up in a religious environment. However, one thing I would strongly recommend against is saying that this is how God created you. While I believe that, and you hopefully do too, telling another person something that flies in the face of their beliefs doesn't earn any support points fast. That's another battle that you'll have to work on slowly over time, and I know you already have a big battle ahead of you but using that phrase will only make it worse, from my experience.
*hugs*
I have come out as gay to everyone in my life except my parents as well, so I respect anyone with the courage to do so. Just be strong and stay true to yourself. I can't relate to a religious environment though, but anyone who disowns their child because of something the Bible supposedly said doesn't deserve kids in the first place.
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Now that your parents know, start telling them they can buy your way to a 'straight' life, then as they purchase all this cool stuff for you, just be gay behind their backs. That'll teach them for lacking acceptance.
Not at all. Unless you want them to end up hating you more.
Surprisingly, I can relate to this situation. My mother reacted similarly when she found out that I had no real intention of finishing college. I wanted to go into web design and net marketing, something I had been doing for a while. However, my mother has her perfect notion of how my life is supposed to go - you know, valedictorian, great job, and all that jazz.
When all was said and done, my mother was spouting off things like "You're killing me" and "You love to hurt me, don't you?" That phase (at least with her) lasted about a month, during which I left her alone. Afterwards, I found it easiest to appeal to her feelings, e.g. "I know how you feel... I always thought that everyone (in my family) would end up going to college." Slowly, I started slipping her news that things are going well, and that I am doing fine (In your case, you may want to show her that nothing is really different.)
Its a bit over half a year ago that I "quit" on college - and my mom has finally come to accept that I can be successful and happy without a degree above my bed. I've recently been offered a rather lofty job, and my mom couldn't be happier. What you have to realize is that this isn't just a change for your parents - its their entire world going to pieces. You have to give them time to accept that their plans for you are going to have to change. Once they are calmer, you can finally try to mend things with them - and hopefully it will turn out alright in the end.
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This is tricky, and I might not know a enough to the point that I can help but I will try.
Your parents should love you no matter what, and even if you admit you are Gay or somewhat attracted to men they should support you. You should truthfully tell your mother first because between your stereotypical mom and dad mom is more sensitive. Gradually, after your mom understands is cool with it you and your mom should tell your father.
Now, here is the tricky part. Remember that your father raised you hoping that you would grow up be a football star and have a super hot wife with fine kids. For some reason, when people admit to being gay they as seen as "girlie-men." Unfortunately, this might be your case... you just need to act as cool and normal like every other day and show him that being gay won't change you.
Dude, this is a tough thing and I'm telling you that I'm here for you.
It is not as if I didn't see my parent's responce coming, I just tried to make myself believe that they would take it well. Both my parents are very religeous, so my upbringing as of so far has been, too. My mom is still crying, and it makes me feel awful.
i hope they have slept on it and realized that you are still the same person they raised. if nothing else, at least you know you always have your MtgSalvy family.
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(about the English language) It's kinda like a raft that was cobbled together from parts of three different boats and since then has been kept barely afloat with crude repairs every time a leak appeared.
I'm usually too shy to give advice on coming out, seeing as how my own coming out was under strange circumstances, but I will say this much.
My mother was a fiercely religious person. When she found out, she cried for a while too. But one day very soon after the event, she came to me and told me "you're my son. You're gay. You've always been both. Which one do you think is more important to me?"
And we only got closer from there.
Your parents will be alright eventually. It might take them some time, but they'll come to realize that their love for you far outweighs their preconceptions. Just trust in that.
My mom hasn't said much to me yet, but at least she stopped crying. My dad still is giving me the silence treatment. A few of the people who reacted badly apologized today in school, so at least I know that I have friends.
Well, I just read this whole deal and (for what its worth, as some random, interweb geek, who isn't even gay...) I'm proud of you. I spend all of my time in theatre and surpisingly enough the sterotype is true and there are an awful lot of gay guys in theatre so I've had to go through this a couple times. Just know that you are being honest to yourself. And thats all that really matters.
One thing I'd like to point out is that parents can change. Mine didn't react well at first, even though the are both liberal and tolerant in the abstract. My relationship with them was really rough for a few years, but they came around eventually when they saw I was in control of my life and doing everything I wanted to do. So don't give up on them, give them time.
In the meantime, find some allies who will support you completely! There are plenty of them out there.
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Who are you coming out to? Remember that the setting should be proportional to the emotional stake the other person (s) have in your life. Friends, you can usually discuss over coffee what you want to say. Parents/siblings, different story altogether.
Pick a time and place where you and your family can expect not to be interrupted or rushed. Coming out in the middle of an argument or disagreement is not a good way to foster support, tolerance, and respect.
Set up ahead of time by explaining that you have some thoughts weighing on your mind and would like their ear. Don't make the mistake of suggesting that you want advice, or they may take that as a sign you are unsure about yourself, it could invite a lot of criticism or patronizing/pooh-poohing.
Keep it brief, but spend a minute prefacing your declaration by describing how you came to the realization. "For some time I've felt like something was missing from my life. I see my schoolmates pairing off and somehow knew I was different. And the missing piece seems to be that I'm attracted to men. I've thought about it for many months, questioned myself, but always I am true to this, that I'm gay. I honestly don't know what comes next, so I needed to talk to you. I felt you would want to know. And I'm glad you are here with me to listen." Talk to them, make eye contact, be open and straightforward, and speak in a calm tone of voice.
Short and sweet, and to the point. No details about your relationships, no fantasies, these are your personal business and you have both a right to your privacy, and a vested interest in avoiding territory which for some folks is quite shocking and distasteful.
Give people time to absorb what you've said, and think about it, and respond. Give them a chance to say their piece. They may have nothing to say, but you mustn't tread on this few moments of silence.
From here on out, you're sorta on your own. People react in different ways. Friends might wonder if you've ever had a thing for them. Parents might be filled with dread that you have an older man who is using you, or somehow this information will destroy them socially and financially. Siblings may regress into petty rivalries, but may rally to your side. If you've had a history of emotional problems, your family might assume this is one of your "issues" rearing its head, and you must conduct yourself in a mature, sensible, and simpatico manner from now on to convince them you have made this decision rationally after months to years of self-reflection, and not to manipulate them.
I haven't gone through it, but I have friends who have, and it's neither as easy nor as disastrous as it first seems. All I can say is, to thine own self be true, and to everyone else, WATCH OUT! I sincerely hope this works out for you and this is able to help.
Good luck, i'm sure that it will work itself out. Remeber that you are who you are and no one can criticize you for it.
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I told my parents right after school today, and they didn't take it so well. He isn't speaking to me atm, and my mom just cried. A few of my friends didn't take it so well either, so now my life is in shambles, but it'll pick up. Sorry for the double post.
I am here for you sweety, feel free to message or msn.
You will be surprised. The people you expect support from often do not, and often those we assume will have problems will often become your best friends.
When I came out as trans to my friends, they all said they supported and accepted me. As I slowly started to transition, they met each statement with "You are alienating us"
So now I do not have them as friends. It is sad, but I am happy that way. Why? Because friends that cannot accept and respect you are not really friends. As much as you love and count on them, if they don't come around then it is their loss and you will make more. They obviously valued your friendship for a reason, you are not a different person.
As for parents? That is rough. Give them time. Even if they can accept it, they still need time.
Personally I feel that family is those that love and respect you, and does not necessarilly mean blood. But you have a lifetime long bond with these people. Having them have an issue with this means you have an issue with this as well. Because family shares each others pain and burden.
Talk to them. Tell them you do not expect them to understand it, but you wish they could accept it. Make sure they realize you are still the same person. That it hurts you to hurt them, but hurts more to try and fight and hide how you feel inside. That you love them and do not want to hide from them anymore.
It sounds like your parents are taking it pretty well for religious folk. I say try to talk to them calmly and rationally when they have a chance for it too sink in. Assure them this was no failing in their raising you or anything of the sort. This is how god created you and you want them to understand who you are. This does not change who you are, just what you find attractive. You still have your hobbies and favorite shows and personal quirks and are still their child who loves them. Just as some people like the color blue while others may prefer red you just like a different color then “normal”*. This does not change who you are or how you feel about them. If you were into scat or bestiality that would be something to worry about, you just prefer the same sex so what’s the big deal? (My attempt at humor, may be appropriate to lighten the mood or to have you wonder what is wrong with this guy. Your mileage may vary)
Hang in there and it will all sort its self out. Good job coming out and letting them know who you really are. Trying to be fake and hide who you are would only have lead to self loathing and unhappiness.
*This normality is purely for the straights benefit as they need to label and quantify everything in their world to feel safe and accepted. There is actually no such thing as normal but this is impossible to explain to the moral majority and the religious right so please bear with them.
i can imagine how hard it would be to hear/see your mother cry. Its ok to feel bad about her crying but dont feel bad about being gay. its not something you can help and at least your truthful with your self and with them. hang in there.
One thing I've learned is that you're not responsible for how others react to news like this. You really shouldn't feel awful because aside from remaining in the closet for their sake (not really an attractive option in my opinion), there's not much you could've done to make this easier for them.
I felt bad at first, too, when my parents didn't take the news well. Then I realized that they only took it hard because they were ashamed of me for not being the son they wanted me to be. It didn't take long for me to get over feeling bad for them. Of course, it helps that I'm spiteful, but I guess your mileage may vary.
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But, as {mikeyG} said, you can't control their feelings, only your own. I had a similar experience when explaining to my folks that I simply don't believe in God. When it finally came to a head and I couldn't lie about it anymore, my mom, the most religious person in my family, took it very hard, and it tore me up for a while.
It only ended on my side when I realized that her pain is not truly my doing. After a few months, she grew more accustomed to it, and things feel pretty normal between us. My dad periodically reminds me that she's hurting, but in that way, he seems to be trying to guilt me into living the lie again, which helps nobody.
Just my experience with it, thinking it might help.
If I were to offer any advice, it'd be to be willing to talk it all over when they want, but not bringing it up on your own for a while. It'll take time, but things will calm down again.
But yeah, if you just need someone to talk to about anything at all, I'm definitely a friend-maker.
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Hopefully, you won't lose any friends over it, but as Sakura said, if you do, then they weren't friends in the first place.
Help has come in the form of a bit of basic algebra. I feel that it'll shed some light on your problem here.
Basically:
S + T = W
...S in this case stands for 'spam' and the T stands for 'light trolling'. And the W? That stands for 'Warning'. I love math. -- {mikeyG}
LISTEN TO MAH SONGZ!
@BillyTheFridge
My sister's reaction was the best... I told her, and then without delay she just freaks out "Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh... does that mean we can go shopping together now?!?!" Hooray for stereotypes, right?
I still haven't come out to my parents. I'm one of those lucky one's who's bi, so I actually *do* have a bit of a choice. I prefer guys mostly, but girls aren't half bad, either. I'm able to continue to date people and not come out to my parents, they just think I have dry spells every now and then where I can't find a girl or whatnot...
My advice to you mimics a lot of what has been said already, though. I grew up in a religious environment. However, one thing I would strongly recommend against is saying that this is how God created you. While I believe that, and you hopefully do too, telling another person something that flies in the face of their beliefs doesn't earn any support points fast. That's another battle that you'll have to work on slowly over time, and I know you already have a big battle ahead of you but using that phrase will only make it worse, from my experience.
I have come out as gay to everyone in my life except my parents as well, so I respect anyone with the courage to do so. Just be strong and stay true to yourself. I can't relate to a religious environment though, but anyone who disowns their child because of something the Bible supposedly said doesn't deserve kids in the first place.
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Not at all. Unless you want them to end up hating you more.
Surprisingly, I can relate to this situation. My mother reacted similarly when she found out that I had no real intention of finishing college. I wanted to go into web design and net marketing, something I had been doing for a while. However, my mother has her perfect notion of how my life is supposed to go - you know, valedictorian, great job, and all that jazz.
When all was said and done, my mother was spouting off things like "You're killing me" and "You love to hurt me, don't you?" That phase (at least with her) lasted about a month, during which I left her alone. Afterwards, I found it easiest to appeal to her feelings, e.g. "I know how you feel... I always thought that everyone (in my family) would end up going to college." Slowly, I started slipping her news that things are going well, and that I am doing fine (In your case, you may want to show her that nothing is really different.)
Its a bit over half a year ago that I "quit" on college - and my mom has finally come to accept that I can be successful and happy without a degree above my bed. I've recently been offered a rather lofty job, and my mom couldn't be happier. What you have to realize is that this isn't just a change for your parents - its their entire world going to pieces. You have to give them time to accept that their plans for you are going to have to change. Once they are calmer, you can finally try to mend things with them - and hopefully it will turn out alright in the end.
Your parents should love you no matter what, and even if you admit you are Gay or somewhat attracted to men they should support you. You should truthfully tell your mother first because between your stereotypical mom and dad mom is more sensitive. Gradually, after your mom understands is cool with it you and your mom should tell your father.
Now, here is the tricky part. Remember that your father raised you hoping that you would grow up be a football star and have a super hot wife with fine kids. For some reason, when people admit to being gay they as seen as "girlie-men." Unfortunately, this might be your case... you just need to act as cool and normal like every other day and show him that being gay won't change you.
Dude, this is a tough thing and I'm telling you that I'm here for you.
i hope they have slept on it and realized that you are still the same person they raised. if nothing else, at least you know you always have your MtgSalvy family.
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My mother was a fiercely religious person. When she found out, she cried for a while too. But one day very soon after the event, she came to me and told me "you're my son. You're gay. You've always been both. Which one do you think is more important to me?"
And we only got closer from there.
Your parents will be alright eventually. It might take them some time, but they'll come to realize that their love for you far outweighs their preconceptions. Just trust in that.
One thing I'd like to point out is that parents can change. Mine didn't react well at first, even though the are both liberal and tolerant in the abstract. My relationship with them was really rough for a few years, but they came around eventually when they saw I was in control of my life and doing everything I wanted to do. So don't give up on them, give them time.
In the meantime, find some allies who will support you completely! There are plenty of them out there.
Purge the unclean, & etc.