The long and skinny of it: my wife, sis in law, her bf, and I are all very close friends. Sis in law's bf hates on everything we do and I kind of let off a bit of steam at him today. Need to know if I was in the right.
The extended version:
The friend in question is 30 years old, vegan, hates on anyone that drinks alcohol in any amount, doesn't like parties, goes to bed at 8pm (literally..and no he doesn't work some crazy early shift or anything at work), doesn't play games (we can only sit around and talk when he joins the three of us because he'll either refuse to play or will play so carelessly/mindlessly that it ruins the fun of it), won't go out for dinner (in fact, he stayed home for his gf and my wife's joint birthday--they're twins), avoids anywhere people might congregate (if we want to walk on boulevarde X, he will make a face like he's disgusted and say "nahhhhh"), refuses to celebrate holidays or birthdays (didn't buy his gf a gift for her bday or xmas, refuses to buy her flowers for any occasion, etc), and does all of this by putting down anyone that does these things.
My wife and I were planning on having a house party in a month or so (our last two parties were low-key 20-30 ppl, played smash bros on our projector, etc...not frat boy ragers or anything) and he immediately started on how parties are stupid, people that drink are all uninteresting frat boys (he sent gifs of a guy doing a keg stand and a crowd at an electronic show to illustrate how stupid it is), etc. So I called him a grandpa and moved on, but he continued saying how its fine if we want to have a party but he would never choose to have a party or go to one (seems like a simple solution to me...) and just generally putting us down either directly or in a passive-aggressive way by condemning other people that enjoy said social activities. So it kind of pissed me off and I told him that he's a hater on everything and that when he hates on things we and the general public enjoy, it makes him seem like he thinks he's better than everyone. I told him he's extremely judgmental.
I don't know if maybe I'm being too sensitive, but it irks me that we get put down for everything we do by someone who doesn't DO anything. I may be slightly bias because of the whole skipping out on your gf and best friend's birthday dinner just because you didn't feel like going.
Yeah thats kind of my general impression too. There's two sides to every argument so for sure I'm putting a slant on the story. But still...Can't tell you the last time I hated on something he did or suggested
When I was with my ex- I was a bit like that, not interested in parties or drinking. Games were no problem. I ragged on her whenever she partied or drank. Spent nearly 5 years with her until she was fed up and left. After a lot of inward reflection, I realized the only reason we were together was to get into each others pants.
If we truly loved each other, we would have respected the other persons lifestyle and either adjusted my own and/or accepted hers. She tried to adjust hers, so she held up her end, I just didn't do my end in this regards. Our relationship had other flaws so this wouldn't have kept it together. But I digress....
If he truly loves her, he would accept her and her friends and family for who they are. Either graciously and politely decline such parties or join in the fun. But under no circumstance should he, or be allowed, to belittle her or her choices.
I am pretty non confrontational, but I am a huge advocate for the things I love. I can only take the whole "you don't conform to my idea of right" so much before I just let someone know that I'm done with them. Be it job, family, or close friends.
I spent years receiving slack for being a gamer. I grew tired of being under fire from some of the closest people to me, and pushed them away because of it.
My wife steps in if it becomes demanding on my time, and that's fine. But she knows I love doing it and respects me. She encourages it most of the time even. As a thank you I always give her first dibs on downtime. If nothing is going on, I'll gravitate towards some type of game though.
Sounds like this guy doesn't respect you and your wife. Call him out, firmly, but don't be overly harsh. Just simply state the activity and an invite. If his no isn't just a no but a dissertation, then end conversation. Either walk away, log off the medium, hang up the phone, whatever. After a few times he'll get the picture or ask you directly. Tell him that when he said no you had no interest in listening to the rest.
I had written response and sally errored and it got deleted. The jist of what I typed was: we aren't so extreme in anything we do as to turn the most mild onlooker one way or the other (such that they would have to "accept who we are" as you said) and that I think, basically, this guy has some kind of social insecurities that make him act like a crotchety old man.
I am pretty non confrontational, but I am a huge advocate for the things I love....
I think it's pretty obvious this guy is pushing his closest friends away by being so judgmental and I think you gave some good advice regarding just walking away from the conversation. Like you said at the start, you can only take so much of "you don't conform etc etc" before you have to speak your mind and that's what happened today.
The long and skinny of it: my wife, sis in law, her bf, and I are all very close friends. Sis in law's bf hates on everything we do
Wait, then how are you friends? That seems like a contradiction.
The friend in question is 30 years old, vegan, hates on anyone that drinks alcohol in any amount, doesn't like parties, goes to bed at 8pm (literally..and no he doesn't work some crazy early shift or anything at work), doesn't play games (we can only sit around and talk when he joins the three of us because he'll either refuse to play or will play so carelessly/mindlessly that it ruins the fun of it), won't go out for dinner (in fact, he stayed home for his gf and my wife's joint birthday--they're twins), avoids anywhere people might congregate (if we want to walk on boulevarde X, he will make a face like he's disgusted and say "nahhhhh"), refuses to celebrate holidays or birthdays (didn't buy his gf a gift for her bday or xmas, refuses to buy her flowers for any occasion, etc), and does all of this by putting down anyone that does these things.
I'm going to repeat again, in what sense are any of you his friends, and in what sense is he a friend to any of you?
My wife and I were planning on having a house party in a month or so (our last two parties were low-key 20-30 ppl,
Just a sidenote: holy crap, 20-30 people is a low-key party at your house? Damn... You guys know how to party.
played smash bros on our projector, etc...not frat boy ragers or anything) and he immediately started on how parties are stupid, people that drink are all uninteresting frat boys (he sent gifs of a guy doing a keg stand and a crowd at an electronic show to illustrate how stupid it is), etc. So I called him a grandpa and moved on, but he continued saying how its fine if we want to have a party but he would never choose to have a party or go to one (seems like a simple solution to me...) and just generally putting us down either directly or in a passive-aggressive way by condemning other people that enjoy said social activities. So it kind of pissed me off and I told him that he's a hater on everything and that when he hates on things we and the general public enjoy, it makes him seem like he thinks he's better than everyone. I told him he's extremely judgmental.
Again, I will ask, in what possible sense of the term is this guy your friend?
I don't know if maybe I'm being too sensitive, but it irks me that we get put down for everything we do by someone who doesn't DO anything. I may be slightly bias because of the whole skipping out on your gf and best friend's birthday dinner just because you didn't feel like going.
I don't know...am I in the wrong?
Not even remotely! First of all, you were completely in the right to tell this guy off. Second of all, the fact that you're here asking about whether you did him wrong indicates that you have way more regard for this guy's feelings than he's showing toward any of you. Which brings me to my third question, how on earth did you guys manage to put up with this guy this long? Seems like you've known him for a while. What redeeming qualities does this guy have?
I can knock out all 4 questions with one answer I think! haha
I'll keep it short...He sucked really hard when he started dating my wife's sister a few years ago but we dealt with it and he got slightly better. Then recently his douche-ness has been amplified for some reason. I guess why we hang out with him is because we have to. He can be funny sometimes and we don't fight outright when we're together--I guess he's worse on paper than in real life. Its just that he doesn't exist solely on paper. Simply put, we can't do much about him because he's been with the sis in law for around 5-6 years.
And as for the party thing...you're welcome to come to the next one if you live in LA haha
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The extended version:
The friend in question is 30 years old, vegan, hates on anyone that drinks alcohol in any amount, doesn't like parties, goes to bed at 8pm (literally..and no he doesn't work some crazy early shift or anything at work), doesn't play games (we can only sit around and talk when he joins the three of us because he'll either refuse to play or will play so carelessly/mindlessly that it ruins the fun of it), won't go out for dinner (in fact, he stayed home for his gf and my wife's joint birthday--they're twins), avoids anywhere people might congregate (if we want to walk on boulevarde X, he will make a face like he's disgusted and say "nahhhhh"), refuses to celebrate holidays or birthdays (didn't buy his gf a gift for her bday or xmas, refuses to buy her flowers for any occasion, etc), and does all of this by putting down anyone that does these things.
My wife and I were planning on having a house party in a month or so (our last two parties were low-key 20-30 ppl, played smash bros on our projector, etc...not frat boy ragers or anything) and he immediately started on how parties are stupid, people that drink are all uninteresting frat boys (he sent gifs of a guy doing a keg stand and a crowd at an electronic show to illustrate how stupid it is), etc. So I called him a grandpa and moved on, but he continued saying how its fine if we want to have a party but he would never choose to have a party or go to one (seems like a simple solution to me...) and just generally putting us down either directly or in a passive-aggressive way by condemning other people that enjoy said social activities. So it kind of pissed me off and I told him that he's a hater on everything and that when he hates on things we and the general public enjoy, it makes him seem like he thinks he's better than everyone. I told him he's extremely judgmental.
I don't know if maybe I'm being too sensitive, but it irks me that we get put down for everything we do by someone who doesn't DO anything. I may be slightly bias because of the whole skipping out on your gf and best friend's birthday dinner just because you didn't feel like going.
I don't know...am I in the wrong?
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When I was with my ex- I was a bit like that, not interested in parties or drinking. Games were no problem. I ragged on her whenever she partied or drank. Spent nearly 5 years with her until she was fed up and left. After a lot of inward reflection, I realized the only reason we were together was to get into each others pants.
If we truly loved each other, we would have respected the other persons lifestyle and either adjusted my own and/or accepted hers. She tried to adjust hers, so she held up her end, I just didn't do my end in this regards. Our relationship had other flaws so this wouldn't have kept it together. But I digress....
If he truly loves her, he would accept her and her friends and family for who they are. Either graciously and politely decline such parties or join in the fun. But under no circumstance should he, or be allowed, to belittle her or her choices.
I spent years receiving slack for being a gamer. I grew tired of being under fire from some of the closest people to me, and pushed them away because of it.
My wife steps in if it becomes demanding on my time, and that's fine. But she knows I love doing it and respects me. She encourages it most of the time even. As a thank you I always give her first dibs on downtime. If nothing is going on, I'll gravitate towards some type of game though.
Sounds like this guy doesn't respect you and your wife. Call him out, firmly, but don't be overly harsh. Just simply state the activity and an invite. If his no isn't just a no but a dissertation, then end conversation. Either walk away, log off the medium, hang up the phone, whatever. After a few times he'll get the picture or ask you directly. Tell him that when he said no you had no interest in listening to the rest.
I had written response and sally errored and it got deleted. The jist of what I typed was: we aren't so extreme in anything we do as to turn the most mild onlooker one way or the other (such that they would have to "accept who we are" as you said) and that I think, basically, this guy has some kind of social insecurities that make him act like a crotchety old man.
I think it's pretty obvious this guy is pushing his closest friends away by being so judgmental and I think you gave some good advice regarding just walking away from the conversation. Like you said at the start, you can only take so much of "you don't conform etc etc" before you have to speak your mind and that's what happened today.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ts9z0gqSLyQ
I'm going to repeat again, in what sense are any of you his friends, and in what sense is he a friend to any of you?
Just a sidenote: holy crap, 20-30 people is a low-key party at your house? Damn... You guys know how to party.
Again, I will ask, in what possible sense of the term is this guy your friend?
Not even remotely! First of all, you were completely in the right to tell this guy off. Second of all, the fact that you're here asking about whether you did him wrong indicates that you have way more regard for this guy's feelings than he's showing toward any of you. Which brings me to my third question, how on earth did you guys manage to put up with this guy this long? Seems like you've known him for a while. What redeeming qualities does this guy have?
I'll keep it short...He sucked really hard when he started dating my wife's sister a few years ago but we dealt with it and he got slightly better. Then recently his douche-ness has been amplified for some reason. I guess why we hang out with him is because we have to. He can be funny sometimes and we don't fight outright when we're together--I guess he's worse on paper than in real life. Its just that he doesn't exist solely on paper. Simply put, we can't do much about him because he's been with the sis in law for around 5-6 years.
And as for the party thing...you're welcome to come to the next one if you live in LA haha