Been writing in a novel for around a year now without anyone else looking at so I thought I would see what this section thought about it.
Genre is fantasy
Excerpt is about 1100 words. Around half of the first chapter.
Would like to know what first impressions this gives also how the description of the action between the two boys works and flows.
Title: Sofurst. (Working title at least)
Avatar by Xenoninja thanks a ton. Sig by me(Last Updated: 11/17/12) Realm of the Bug, the best shop for awesome sigs and avatars. Come here to come support our weekly banner contests, and voice your opinion on any of the work there
The wooden impacts began again, the noise was made by two boys with wooden swords.
began again. The noise
Ethan had the low-ground, he had short, blond hair and in his hands he held a two handed sword made from a dense oak. He held his sword up over his head, stepped forward and brought it down at Will his younger brother.
Rather than say "Ethan had the low ground", describe his stance and position.
Use another sentence to describe him, rather than tacking it on.
The large two handed sword missed Will then continued on and made contact with the grass of the hill.
These are two sentences. "made contact" is pretty dry and clinical.
"Ethan missed, the tip of his sword biting hard into the soil."
Will stepped forward with his left foot and stomped down on Ethan's sword keeping him from lifting it upward to protect himself. Ethan switched his stance to pull the blade from under Will’s foot. Will stepped with his right foot closer to Ethan and aimed for his hand with his much smaller sword. Then struck Ethan’s left and dominant hand with the flat of the his blade as Ethan tried to pull back his weapon. The impact forced his hand to release the sword and his force from pulling back at the blade unbalanced Ethan and he tumbled backward down the hill.
"Will stomped down on Ethan's sword, trapping it. Ethan tried to pull the blade from Will's foot, but when he did Will snapped his smaller weapon on his sword hand, forcing him to fall back, unbalanced,"
he Reached
he reached
Ethan did respond as he pulled himself to his feat.
Ethan didn't respond as he pulled himself up.
“You two haven't broken anything have you?”
“You two haven't broken anything have you?” she asked.
“Sure.” Will said somewhat agreeably.
"somewhat agreeably"? What did you mean here?
Oh come on you can try
Oh, come on! You can try
“I wouldn’t have to keep naming them if you would stop breaking mine every other time we sword fight.”
The logic behind this statement escapes me. Names are generally given to things that last.
“ I wouldn’t hold my breath, that sword has broken all of the swords we have made since we started sword fighting two years ago when Will and I were ten.”
Ugh. As you know. This is an incredibly stilted way of describing their ages.
This wasn’t the first time she had run down this hill and this wouldn’t be the first time she tripped sprinting down the steep side of the hill which happened to be closest to their way home.
It wasn't the first time she hard run down the steep side of the hill leading to their home. It wouldn't be the first time she tripped, either.
faceplanting.
Faceplanting is not a word.
His legs flew out from underneath his torso and he began to fall backward. Ethan twisted to try and catch himself with his dominant hand, while doing this he instinctively tried to shift his weight to avoid landing on his little sister which he outweighed significantly.First as he fell the sword left Ethan’s grip. Second he twisted and brought his legs over to his left as well and was now oriented on his left side. His legs landed first and he rolled to his left making a ¾ turn finally landing him on his back. Monica had been walking next to him on his left and when Ethan rolled it knocked the legs out from under her.
Brother and sister stumbled and crashed in an ungainly heap, knocking Monica down with them.
She then oriented her sight down to Will.
“Will, how did you get knocked down all the way at the bottom of the hill.” She called as she ran down to him thinking that something must have happened to him.
"oriented her sight?" Ugh.
She stared at Will, incredulous. “Will," she called "how did you get knocked down all the way at the bottom of the hill?”
Genre is fantasy
Excerpt is about 1100 words. Around half of the first chapter.
Would like to know what first impressions this gives also how the description of the action between the two boys works and flows.
Title: Sofurst. (Working title at least)
Link to google docs: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1ibqO1x90nmO7FAYMF7HeWFyYNWg_rGRNZAanMpVlPJ8/edit?usp=sharing
Avatar by Xenoninja thanks a ton. Sig by me(Last Updated: 11/17/12)
Realm of the Bug, the best shop for awesome sigs and avatars.
Come here to come support our weekly banner contests, and voice your opinion on any of the work there
Dialogue is stilted and artificial.
began again. The noise
Rather than say "Ethan had the low ground", describe his stance and position.
Use another sentence to describe him, rather than tacking it on.
These are two sentences. "made contact" is pretty dry and clinical.
"Ethan missed, the tip of his sword biting hard into the soil."
"Will stomped down on Ethan's sword, trapping it. Ethan tried to pull the blade from Will's foot, but when he did Will snapped his smaller weapon on his sword hand, forcing him to fall back, unbalanced,"
he reached
Ethan didn't respond as he pulled himself up.
“You two haven't broken anything have you?” she asked.
"somewhat agreeably"? What did you mean here?
Oh, come on! You can try
The logic behind this statement escapes me. Names are generally given to things that last.
Ugh. As you know. This is an incredibly stilted way of describing their ages.
It wasn't the first time she hard run down the steep side of the hill leading to their home. It wouldn't be the first time she tripped, either.
Faceplanting is not a word.
Brother and sister stumbled and crashed in an ungainly heap, knocking Monica down with them.
"oriented her sight?" Ugh.
She stared at Will, incredulous. “Will," she called "how did you get knocked down all the way at the bottom of the hill?”
"Sometimes, the situation is outracing a threat, sometimes it's ignoring it, and sometimes it involves sideboarding in 4x Hope//Pray." --Doug Linn