Vote for the poem(s) you feel is the best (up to two). Remember to adhere to the "Honor Code" when voting.
While it is understood there is no absolute means to monitor the intent of a vote, we ask each PRC participant to exercise integrity when voting out of respect for the contest:
- Please give each poetry submission an equal opportunity in attaining your vote.
- Please read, or at least skim, all the entries before voting.
- Please do not vote for your friends just because they're your friends.
The Poetry Running Contest puts good faith in its participants to act in an honorable manner.
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My vote goes to echoe. Not really feeling this round, but I thought echoe's haiku was eloquent. Also I just realised that despite the similarities, my poem was not meant to be related to the haiku
I rather enjoyed all of the poems this round. I felt that, for the most part, the sounds on all of them resonated well.
I liked how the double spacing in Zelderex's poem made the reading of his poem more pronounced, emphasizing the lines and enhancing the syllabic stress of the last words of each line. The creative use of this structure not only allows Zelderex to get away with certain rhymes (covered and surrender) but also the reptition of end words ("such" and "such").
Echoe, I enjoyed your Haiku overall and further enjoyed the fact that your Haiku was untitled (traditional Haikus are untitled as they're only a part of a larger poem, actually). You did excellent work with the enjambments in such a restricted form, while still being able to convey the message of the poem in a humorous way.
Talore, I enjoyed your sonnet overall. Your usage of syntax makes the flow of the poem fantastic, but your images felt too predictable and cliched. What I mean is that your images are rather very stock--we all know a poem that mentions the sun and the moon, clouds and the greenery. It isn't the fact that you're using these images that weakens the poem, it's more of the fact that these images are simply just being used. In other words, I, as the reader, am not particularly enlightened or able to understand anymore when you mention "I ask the sun to lend me her strength," than if you had said "I needed to go outside". The message of your poem isn't particularly clear. From the language, it seems like a love poem. The sentence structure and choice of words also convey a higher register than normal, and it gives off this sense of a gaudy tone. In this sense, therein belies the contradiction of your work: it seems as if your poem longs for the reader to empathize or understand the author, but the higher register and the over abundance of stock images, which seemed negligently tossed around all over the poem, detracts any emotional bridge from the reader as you are too far above for the reader to relate.
A note that not many people might make about poems (and this isn't specifically you, Talore) is something I like to call "the constellation of images." Here's a question: why is Betelgeuse a member of the constellation Orion? Just like in a poem, images are powerful because they take the abstract and ground it into something physical--tangible for the reader to grasp and understand and, more importantly, feel both sensually and in a platonic manner. That said, we must be careful in using them. The teleology of images in poetry is to get the idea of the poem across to the reader. Using images for the sake of images does nothing for the writer or reader, and we must ask ourselves, "does this image fit with the theme of the poem?" If I wrote a poem about washing dishes, but use images such as a car, a bed, a cell phone, and a wallet in my poem, my poem will begin to fall apart as the theme of "washing dishes" is not clearly established because of the collection of images stated. More abstract themes like "making it big some day" and such also have their own restrictions for images--instead of getting the problem where the reader asks "why is image X in here?" we have the reader asking "why isn't image X in here" which is caused by the fact that the theme is too abstract. So there's that with images.
I would vote for all three poems, but seeing as I can only choose two, I choose echoe and Zelderex.
Thank you for your critique, Ilvaldi. I don't mean to defend my poem, but I'd just note that the images are meant to lean more on the literal side than the allegorical side. Also as far as my poetry goes, I write for myself more than anyone else; sometimes I don't think of an audience at all. Your criticisms are perfectly valid, though. For example, if it were something that I would re-write for a purpose other than introspection, I imagine that using the names of gods instead of those basic natural elements would aid in the goal of presenting something more literal.
Well I'm not sure if using the names of gods would help either. If you were trying to be literal, then I think your poem falters in the sense of its own vernacular. One of the challenges of poetry as well as one of the goals of writing contemporary poetry is "to say what you mean without saying it, but at the same time, saying it as if it was just said plainly." It is a mastery of not just words, but syntax. For example, in your poem, line 2:
"the wind would toss my hair in a fit of boredom"
You are personifying "wind" here, but a question that comes to the reader is "why is the wind personified?" or "why, or how, is the wind bored?" As a writer, you want to get away using a line such as, "the wind would toss my hair in a fit of boredom" without the reader asking such questions. It's what people in workshop call, "getting away with a line (or cliche)" and it's usually deserved by the structure and lyrical setup of the poem it's in.
Another question to note for the writer is "would I have said that?" Renowned writer (and nutcase) Ezra Pound once said, "the natural object is always the adequate symbol" and we understand "natural" to not be the non-sci-fi or the non-fantasy-based, but rather the natural language of human speech. This has us return once again to the challenge of "saying what you mean without saying it, but at the same time, saying it as if it was just said plainly." In writing poetry, we all want to write memorable, strong, lines. But if we try to force ourselves into it, we write, instead, contrived sayings with superfluous dialect and gaudy diction. In many cases, a strong poem is made not by the word choice, but by the line breaks and structure of the poem. Take for example these two sentences:
"I have eaten the plums that were in the icebox and which you were probably saving for breakfast. Forgive me, they were delicious, so sweet, and so cold."
And then the poem:
This is just to say
I have eaten
the plums
that were in
the icebox
and which
you were probably
saving
for breakfast
Forgive me
they were delicious
so sweet
and so cold
(If you want to know, this was never particularly written as a poem intentionally, and that William Carlos Williams wrote this as a note on the refrigerator to inform his wife how much he despised her.)
There are several poems that in ancient China and famous Japanese haikus that follow this idea of constructing poems from everyday speech. Conversely, Shakespeare constructed the everyday speech of his plays out of poems.
Now this is all within consideration on the fact you're writing to someone else. If you're fine writing as you are to yourself, you can write however you like. And personally, all of these are my own personal beliefs and thought about how to write poetry. I write several poems to myself as a preference of this manner.
I liked Echoe's haiku, but I guess like all Haikus it felt missing something. Maybe that's the point. It just didn't have much weight, to me; it hit my mind like a feather and floated around but never burrowed into anything. Felt similarly about Talore's: it was a fine piece of allegory, but I don't know that it made me feel any differently about the wind, or the sun, or your perspective. Maybe it's just me being a bitter Southwest native.
I liked Ilvaldi's. I didn't love it, but I certainly liked it, and it was certainly the one I was able to read deepest into. The most obvious reason is the delightful butter/jelly wax/wane metaphor being one of the most creative I've ever heard. More personally, the lines about the mouth "educating its existence," to me, is a reminder of metaphysics, and the fact that all things exist only in relation to other things.
And as proud as I'd like to be of my formatting- I didn't even think of it that way at all. I wrote it down in a fairly straightforward format, but whenever I email my poems to myself (to get them from my phone to my computer) it clears all the formatting and replaces them with a wall of doublespaced text. I only kept it because I liked the conversational rhythm it lent the poem, which I found fitting given how much my poetry of late owes to Frost.
To be honest, though ... I guess that's the only one I'm voting for this week. I couldn't get into much.
@Zelderex: It's not particularly deep, and that was partially the point. It's light, the dawn after a storm, you could say?
Private Mod Note
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Rollback Post to RevisionRollBack
my mouth is full of winsome lies -
and eyes are full of death besides
but luckily the soul is wise -
it sees beyond my blindness and
forced failure makes a better guise,
so as i come again alive,
it feels like life's a decent plan
Here are the Poetry submissions for this week:
my brain needed what by echoe
Instructions For Making PB&J And What To Do With It Afterwards by Ilvaldi
vicarious liberty by Talore
Gently Underfoot by Zelderex
Vote for the poem(s) you feel is the best (up to two). Remember to adhere to the "Honor Code" when voting.
While it is understood there is no absolute means to monitor the intent of a vote, we ask each PRC participant to exercise integrity when voting out of respect for the contest:
- Please give each poetry submission an equal opportunity in attaining your vote.
- Please read, or at least skim, all the entries before voting.
- Please do not vote for your friends just because they're your friends.
The Poetry Running Contest puts good faith in its participants to act in an honorable manner.
Contestants, remember, you are required to vote (and you can't vote for yourself)!
Also, please leave a comment on this thread telling who you voted for as currently the polling system does not currently have the option to display that information.
Please Note, Voting Is To Be Done Via The Comments On The Thread. This Way We Can Track Who Has Voted, Foster Discussion, And Avoid Using The Currently Horrendous Poll System This Site Has.
Thank you and Happy voting!
like pen pencil computer
sometimes prolific
sometimes a neuter
I liked how the double spacing in Zelderex's poem made the reading of his poem more pronounced, emphasizing the lines and enhancing the syllabic stress of the last words of each line. The creative use of this structure not only allows Zelderex to get away with certain rhymes (covered and surrender) but also the reptition of end words ("such" and "such").
Echoe, I enjoyed your Haiku overall and further enjoyed the fact that your Haiku was untitled (traditional Haikus are untitled as they're only a part of a larger poem, actually). You did excellent work with the enjambments in such a restricted form, while still being able to convey the message of the poem in a humorous way.
Talore, I enjoyed your sonnet overall. Your usage of syntax makes the flow of the poem fantastic, but your images felt too predictable and cliched. What I mean is that your images are rather very stock--we all know a poem that mentions the sun and the moon, clouds and the greenery. It isn't the fact that you're using these images that weakens the poem, it's more of the fact that these images are simply just being used. In other words, I, as the reader, am not particularly enlightened or able to understand anymore when you mention "I ask the sun to lend me her strength," than if you had said "I needed to go outside". The message of your poem isn't particularly clear. From the language, it seems like a love poem. The sentence structure and choice of words also convey a higher register than normal, and it gives off this sense of a gaudy tone. In this sense, therein belies the contradiction of your work: it seems as if your poem longs for the reader to empathize or understand the author, but the higher register and the over abundance of stock images, which seemed negligently tossed around all over the poem, detracts any emotional bridge from the reader as you are too far above for the reader to relate.
A note that not many people might make about poems (and this isn't specifically you, Talore) is something I like to call "the constellation of images." Here's a question: why is Betelgeuse a member of the constellation Orion? Just like in a poem, images are powerful because they take the abstract and ground it into something physical--tangible for the reader to grasp and understand and, more importantly, feel both sensually and in a platonic manner. That said, we must be careful in using them. The teleology of images in poetry is to get the idea of the poem across to the reader. Using images for the sake of images does nothing for the writer or reader, and we must ask ourselves, "does this image fit with the theme of the poem?" If I wrote a poem about washing dishes, but use images such as a car, a bed, a cell phone, and a wallet in my poem, my poem will begin to fall apart as the theme of "washing dishes" is not clearly established because of the collection of images stated. More abstract themes like "making it big some day" and such also have their own restrictions for images--instead of getting the problem where the reader asks "why is image X in here?" we have the reader asking "why isn't image X in here" which is caused by the fact that the theme is too abstract. So there's that with images.
I would vote for all three poems, but seeing as I can only choose two, I choose echoe and Zelderex.
"the wind would toss my hair in a fit of boredom"
You are personifying "wind" here, but a question that comes to the reader is "why is the wind personified?" or "why, or how, is the wind bored?" As a writer, you want to get away using a line such as, "the wind would toss my hair in a fit of boredom" without the reader asking such questions. It's what people in workshop call, "getting away with a line (or cliche)" and it's usually deserved by the structure and lyrical setup of the poem it's in.
Another question to note for the writer is "would I have said that?" Renowned writer (and nutcase) Ezra Pound once said, "the natural object is always the adequate symbol" and we understand "natural" to not be the non-sci-fi or the non-fantasy-based, but rather the natural language of human speech. This has us return once again to the challenge of "saying what you mean without saying it, but at the same time, saying it as if it was just said plainly." In writing poetry, we all want to write memorable, strong, lines. But if we try to force ourselves into it, we write, instead, contrived sayings with superfluous dialect and gaudy diction. In many cases, a strong poem is made not by the word choice, but by the line breaks and structure of the poem. Take for example these two sentences:
"I have eaten the plums that were in the icebox and which you were probably saving for breakfast. Forgive me, they were delicious, so sweet, and so cold."
And then the poem:
This is just to say
I have eaten
the plums
that were in
the icebox
and which
you were probably
saving
for breakfast
Forgive me
they were delicious
so sweet
and so cold
(If you want to know, this was never particularly written as a poem intentionally, and that William Carlos Williams wrote this as a note on the refrigerator to inform his wife how much he despised her.)
There are several poems that in ancient China and famous Japanese haikus that follow this idea of constructing poems from everyday speech. Conversely, Shakespeare constructed the everyday speech of his plays out of poems.
Now this is all within consideration on the fact you're writing to someone else. If you're fine writing as you are to yourself, you can write however you like. And personally, all of these are my own personal beliefs and thought about how to write poetry. I write several poems to myself as a preference of this manner.
I liked Echoe's haiku, but I guess like all Haikus it felt missing something. Maybe that's the point. It just didn't have much weight, to me; it hit my mind like a feather and floated around but never burrowed into anything. Felt similarly about Talore's: it was a fine piece of allegory, but I don't know that it made me feel any differently about the wind, or the sun, or your perspective. Maybe it's just me being a bitter Southwest native.
I liked Ilvaldi's. I didn't love it, but I certainly liked it, and it was certainly the one I was able to read deepest into. The most obvious reason is the delightful butter/jelly wax/wane metaphor being one of the most creative I've ever heard. More personally, the lines about the mouth "educating its existence," to me, is a reminder of metaphysics, and the fact that all things exist only in relation to other things.
And as proud as I'd like to be of my formatting- I didn't even think of it that way at all. I wrote it down in a fairly straightforward format, but whenever I email my poems to myself (to get them from my phone to my computer) it clears all the formatting and replaces them with a wall of doublespaced text. I only kept it because I liked the conversational rhythm it lent the poem, which I found fitting given how much my poetry of late owes to Frost.
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To be honest, though ... I guess that's the only one I'm voting for this week. I couldn't get into much.
@Zelderex: It's not particularly deep, and that was partially the point. It's light, the dawn after a storm, you could say?
and eyes are full of death besides
but luckily the soul is wise -
it sees beyond my blindness and
forced failure makes a better guise,
so as i come again alive,
it feels like life's a decent plan
Echoe: 2
Zelderex: 1
Ilvaldi: 2
Therefore, Echoe and Ilvaldi win this round with 2 votes each. Good job y'all!
like pen pencil computer
sometimes prolific
sometimes a neuter