This is my first short story - thought it had to be magic themed before I read some others. I'll know for next time.
The fiftieth fall of the mighty
For fifty centuries, the flag of Patermemnon has flown over the land of Therus displaying the true name of Pateratis its leader fifty times. The flag is atop the city’s tallest tower, five miles high. It is more than a symbol of the order and control the omniscient ruler has bought to the mighty city, but the flag is made from rare silk, harvested from the Galos worm which produces one thread a year. However, this worm also lives forever which is why that if someone’s true name is inscribed upon the fabric of a Galos worm, they will also live forever. However, if the silk is ever destroyed, then the person whose true name is upon it will die. Many have tried to assassinate Pateratis, the first and only king of the city, but none have succeeded in destroying the flag. Those who tried to fly up there suffocated for lack of air and any unliving being was obliterated by the powerful lightning bolts that shot out from the mouths of the tower gargoyles. This is how Pateratis, the first and only king, managed to build a huge city state extending fifty miles in each direction. He now manages it from the tower itself. In the top chamber of the tower, magically filled with air, Pateratis sits upon his golden throne. The power of the flag has kept his body strong and young. No one would say he looks older than twenty. He is a muscular man with a healthy crop of black hair. He wears fine purple silks. His hands rest upon a crystal ball and his eyes look upon his council before him. The eyes of Pateratis are pure white, without pupil or iris. His council of twelve are his eyes and ears to the city. They are gathered around a pool of water which shows all the events of the city. From what they see, they transmit their thoughts to Pateratis, their king, who then decides the fate of the city. Everything in Patermemmnon is calculated to perfection. Each citizen gets the exact amount of food to nourish them and lives in a house which is the exact size for their needs. Informers give the council the wants and needs of the citizens by watching their actions and listening to the talk of the city. Each citizen is allocated their craft according to their temperament and skills, so no talent goes wasted. Even the gardens are grown to exacting standards. And all the information enters the heads of the twelve councillors of Patermemnon around a great pool of water in the great stone hall to be relayed to the king. He is the brain at the centre of a giant organism ever striving for its perfection. One councillor breaks away from his watch over the pool. He wears the blue robes of the councillor. The left arm of his robe is black while the right arm is white to symbolise the unity of two opposites to make a perfect whole. ‘Your majesty, we sense a great deal of disorder in the wilds. It is growing nearer to our southern border.’ ‘Deploy a regiment, Kendris.’ Orders the king. ‘We shall quell the rebellion of the beasts easily enough. None have broken our borders for two thousand years.’ Kendris nods, smiles and goes back to his pool, giving telepathic orders to soldiers in the city. ‘I am Prince Kendris, chief advisor to the First and Only King. Your regiment will march south to destroy the beasts of the wilds. For eventually, we will destroy those who bring chaos to this plane…’
‘Your activities bring chaos to this plane, Magemaster Thunnit.’ Explained the bureaucrat from behind his desk in a disinterested tone. ‘It’s madness, I tell ye!’ yelled Thunnit in reply, shaking his fists. ‘I only blew up half the lab! Ye gave Hellaris his grant after blowin’ up half the school!’ The sour faced, podgy man behind the desk put his hands on the crystal ball on the table, closed his eyes and started to concentrate. An image appeared of Thunnit, unkempt red hair, dressed in his patchwork red and blue robes pouring a large amount of liquid into a crystal bottle. ‘I believe the Hellaris incident was caused by this gentleman using too much Phlogiston in a routine experiment.’ Countered the bureaucrat. ‘Ye donna know nothing! How am I supposed to advance the field of transporting explosives if I canna be allowed to make a few mistakes? Ye think magic would advance if we all sat behind a desk sayin’ “Ye canna do this. Ye donna have the power?” The bureaucrat just gave Thunnit an exasperated look which matched the looks of the two men behind him. Theric, a priest of The Great Father was waiting to deliver an important holy book to the council and was thinking that this idea of queuing was not as great as the scholars said. The man behind him was dressed in a plain brown robe such as one that a young monk would wear. His eyes darted around the room as if he were desperately trying not to be caught for some terrible crime. The burocrat started signing some papers. ‘Magemaster Thunnit. The king tolerates the order of Mizin because it does make advancements in magic. However, we are beginning to think that you are more trouble than you’re worth. Barely a week goes by without some accident. That is why the Order of the scroll is reducing your funding. Half of Mizin’s insane inventions never have any use anyway. Which is why we are cutting your funding, Thunnit. Permanently.’ ‘We’re mad?’ Screamed and enraged Thunnit ‘Jus’ ye wait until we really learn how to use explosives. Then ye’ll be really …’ Thunnit’s rant was overwhelmed by the deafening roar that came from above. All in the hall looked up to the domed ceiling to see holes blasted into the dome. Fire came shooting through the holes, melting the rock. Chunks of masonry started falling and people started running in panic. A huge lump of rock started falling towards The four figures around the desk. Quick as a flash, Thunnit pulled out a glowing blue crystal from his pouch and hurled it to the floor. There was a blinding blue flash, the smell of ozone and then blackness…
Thunnit woke up. His head was pounding and every muscle in his body ached. He was on a wooded mountainside. The midday sun blazed in the sky. Groggily, the mage stood up and felt his limbs. Satisfied that his body was in one piece, he then surveyed his surroundings. He was surrounded by bushes and trees. In the distance, he could see the tower of Patermemnon and the huge blaze that the explosion had caused. There was a thud and another ball of fire erupted from the city, near the tower. The ground shook slightly. Thunnit then noticed the other two figures lying on the ground nearby and cursed. ‘I thought Haldric made these crystals to teleport one person!’ The priest in the white robe and the man in the brown robe came to. As soon as the priest woke up, he looked frantically for the package he had been carrying. Seeing that it was nearby, he recovered, picked it up and held it tightly. ‘What happened, mage?’ asked the man in brown. He had a quiet voice but it had an edge of aggressiveness, ‘Teleport crystal.’ Replied Thunnit. ‘Was lucky there. I once saw a mage end up with his head on the end of his arm.’ The man in white pulled out a crystal ball. The face of an old man appeared. ‘Theric!’ said the man, relieved. ‘Do you still have the book?’ he added quickly. ‘Yes my lord. I was teleported out. I am now in the wild lands’ Replied Theric. ‘Well get back here as soon as you can!’ boomed the old man. ‘We need that book! You must make your way to the city with much haste!’ The image vanished. ‘He wasn’t much help.’ Said the man in brown. ‘How does he expect us to cross the wild lands?’ ‘Have faith, brother monk.’ Replied Theric. ‘The Great Father will guide our path.’ ‘Is the Great Father gonna give us a slap up meal and a place the sleep, eh?’ Asked Thunnet. ‘Ye need to stop yer prayin’ before ye forget to eat.’ Theric quickly suppressed a look of anger. ‘You have saved by life today and I thank you. Maybe I will repay you by teaching you about The Great Father.’ The interchange was cut off by the sound of a hunting horn. Two elves wearing fur loincloths carrying spears crashed through the undergrowth. They threw their spears at Theric and Thunnet. The weapons stopped in midair and dropped to the ground. Enraged, the elves ran towards the priest, bearing their sharpened claws and teeth when the ground before them exploded. Theric looked at Thunnet who was holding a red crystal. The elves, fearful and confused, fled into the woods before Thunnet could throw another crystal. ‘Thank you for repelling the elves, my friend.’ Said Theric. ‘Aye and cheers for stopping the spear.’ Replied Thunnet. Then the two men noticed that the man in brown was nowhere to be seen. ‘I don’t believe he’s a real monk anyway.’ Said Theric. ‘Can you teleport us home?’ ‘Ach, sorry laddie, that was my only crystal. I can teleport non living stuff, but living things have always been a problem for me. Can never get the limbs in the right order. Still, kept the rats out me house.’ Said Thunnet. ‘What?’ Theric was bemused. ‘What possible use can teleporting non living things be if you can’t teleport living creatures?’ ‘Loadsa use if yer do it to explosives. Why blow stuff up near people when you can do it in people. BANG! More mess, though I suppose. I’ve got some pretty neat tricks, though.’ ‘Well, maybe they will entertain us on our long walk.’ Quipped Theric. The two men started their descent of the mountain.
The two men looked upon the scene of slaughter before them. This was their reward for reaching the foot of the mountain. A regiment of corpses lay, mixed in with the corpses of many strange beasts. One looked like a lizard which walked on two legs and had sharp teeth. It’s height was over two metres. Then they saw the man in the brown robes. He had a wild elf kneeling on the ground. He approached them, dragging the quailing elf with him. ‘My friends, we have a huge problem. This elf told me that a powerful shaman seeks to destroy our city. You must help me stop it’ ‘Who in The Great Father’s name are you? You vanish when we’re in peril and then start ordering us around?’ yelled Theric. ‘Yeah, ye big pansy, where were ye?’ The man in brown sighed. ‘I am not a monk as you might have guessed. I am a secret observer for the king and an illusionist. I gather the news from the underworld and sometimes, if the news is bad, I prepare certain, err, concoctions to make sure no one makes any more bad news.’ ‘So you’re a spy and an assassin? I thought you weren’t to be trusted.’ Countered Theric. ‘Your kinds aren’t needed in our world. If I were king, I would purge your kind from the city.’ ‘Listen you oh, so holy priest. If it weren’t for my kind keeping the city safe, your kind would not have the luxury of spreading pompous rubbish.’ ‘How dare you speak of The Great Father like that! Be gone from my sight! I want no more to do with you!’ The three men were knocked off their feet by the tremor that struck. In the distance, there was another explosion around the tower. The man in brown stood up. ‘Listen, you two. My name is Meric. I am a spy for the king and this animal’ he looked at the elf ‘has told me that if we don’t stop this shaman, the tower will fall. Put aside your revulsion for a few days or the king may die!’ Theric looked repentant. ‘I will do it for the king, but once we are finished, I do not want to see you again.’ ‘Agreed.’ Said Meric. ‘Now this creature has told me that the shaman is a few miles west of here. He can summon the creatures of the wild lands and command fire to his bidding. We must come up with a strategy to kill him.’ Meric pulled out a knife and plunged the blade into the elf’s skull. The creature’s face spasmed and then it collapsed on the ground. Theric looked disgusted. Thunnit looked fascinated. ‘Let’s go then.’ Said Theric, leading the way. Thunnit walked with Meric. ‘So, err, how do ye make these concoctions then?’ he asked.
The three men knew when they had reached the shaman’s land because the forest suddenly became open land. The ground beneath them was nothing but black ash, the remains of the plants that had been scorched. Before they set foot on the scorched ground, they discussed how they would fight this shaman. Then Meric mumbled the words of a spell to prevent them being detected. Theric cast a spell of protection upon them, but warned that it would not last long if exposed to intense fire. After half an hour of walking, they came across the shaman. He was two metres tall and dressed in animal leather. He carried a staff with many spikes on the head. The man saw the three approach, and pointed at them. A burst of flame erupted from his finger and struck all three men, reducing them to ashes. Meric then appeared right next to the shaman and stabbed him in the back with his dagger. The shaman swung his staff around to strike Meric on the head, but Theric’s spell resisted the force. Theric then appeared in front of the shaman and pounded him with his staff. The shaman roared and fire erupted from the ground. Meric, badly burnt, retreated, but Theric, driven by his passion for the city stayed, striking the Shaman until he collapsed to the scorched earth. The shaman turned to Meric. ‘Do it!’ shouted Meric. Thunnet appeared, holding a glowing stone. ‘I need more time!’ He shouted. ‘Faster!’ replied Meric as the shaman raised his hand. He too was holding a glowing stone. ‘I’m givin’ it all I’ve got!’ screamed Thunnet. It was too late. The shaman’s stone flew first towards the two men, screaming with energy. It drew closer and closer. Thunnet screamed an oath. And then the stone was back in the shaman’s hand. Bemused, the shaman looked at the projectile he had just thrown at the humans. With a deafening roar, it exploded and sent him flying. Thunnet then threw his stone which blasted the shaman’s body over a hundred metres over the ground. ‘Told ye I knew some neat tricks.’ Said Thunnet, smugly. ‘Very good.’ Said Meric, curtly. ‘Next time, I’ll make my illusions last longer. We must capture this shaman.’ ‘Capture?’ asked Thunnet, incredulous. ‘No man coulda survived that. Aren’t we gonna check on Theric?’ ‘He’ll be fine.’ Said Meric. Thunnet looked at the unmoving figure, shocked. ‘Ye really are a heatless bastard!’ he screamed and ran over to the body of Theric. Theric could not have been alive. All that was left of him was a blackened skeleton. Thunnet was shocked. Meric walked over and spoke to him. ‘We need to deal with our opponent straight away. He’s more than a man. He’s a planeswalker.’
Meric and Thunnet stood over the shaman. His eyes flickered open. ‘Kill me then.’ He said. ‘No I won’t. Why are you attacking our city?’ demanded Meric. ‘No choice.’ Replied the shaman. ‘A noble has control over me.’ ‘Who?’ demanded Meric. ‘Who seeks to destroy our city?’ ‘A noble called Baalith. He stole my spark and without it I cannot travel the planes. There are endless worlds out there that I wish to see. Baalith told me that he would not return it unless I did his bidding.’ ‘We will return to you. But you must help us. We need to get to the city, quickly. Then we will find Baalith and get your spark back.’ The shaman stood up. ‘Thank you. He stores it in a red gem. I can summon an eagle for you to fly to your city. I do not care much for your plane.’ He added. ‘After all. The biggest flying creatures you have are eagles. I’ve seen a plane where giant winged lizards up to a mile long breath fire from the sky.’ ‘That’s terrible!’ said Meric. ‘That’s brilliant!’ said Thunnet. The beating of wings could be heard from above. Then a giant eagle landed before them. Thunnet climbed on board. Meric did not. ‘What ye waiting for? Get on board!’ ‘I am waiting for our friend.’ Said Meric. In the distance, the men could see the figure in white robes get up and walk towards them. He looked astonished. ‘How am I still here?’ asked Theric. ‘Get on board.’ Said Meric. He even broke into a smile. ‘I will explain when we get home.’
The journey to Patermemnon took no more than two hours. The great tower closed in on them. As they got closer to it, they noticed the destruction that the shaman had inflicted upon the city. The area around the tower had been destroyed. It’s foundations were looking weaker. ‘He was so close to destroying the foundations and toppling the tower,’ gasped Theric. The eagle landed outside the south gate. When the three men walked passed the awestruck guards, they walked through the streets until they came to a small shack near the city wall. ‘It’s a safe house for my order.’ Said Meric. Inside, they helped themselves to bread, cheese and ale and ate and drunk their fill. ‘So why’s priesty boy here still alive?’ asked Thunnet. ‘It’s to do with the book he had.’ Replied Meric. At the mention of the book, Theric looked alarmed. ‘Oh no, it is lost!’ he lamented. He looked relieved when Meric pulled it out of his robes and placed it on the table. ‘The book is not the true treasure here, though. This is.’ Meric opened the book to reveal that actually it was a false book. Inside, instead of pages, it had a cavity. And inside the cavity there was what looked like some red silk, folded up. Meric unfolded it to show that it was rectangular shaped apart from a small piece at one end. It looked like someone had cut some of the cloth off. ‘Is that Galos silk?’ gasped Thunnet. ‘It is.’ Replied Meric. ‘You see, gentlemen, it is my job to know things. I knew that our very loyal and distinguished servant, Theric was taking this silk from its crafter in the temple of the Great Father to the tower, thinking he was carrying a holy book.’ Theric looked incredulous. Meric continued. ‘I was assigned to watch over him and make sure that the silk reached the king. You see, many have tried to assassinate our king and take his place. Baalith is not the first and he won’t be the last. So our first and only king ordered a second flag of Galos silk to be made. He would put the rune of his true name on fifty times and hide it so none could kill him.’ ‘What’s this gotta do with Theric, then?’ asked Thunnet. ‘Like I said, it is my job to know things. I know the true names of many people who work for the king, so I stole the flag, cut off some silk and wrote your truename on it.’ ‘What?’ yelled Theric enraged. ‘That was the king’s flag!’ ‘And you’d prefer to lie dead in the wilds would you?’ spat Meric. ‘I needed you alive to protect the king. I didn’t know Thunnet’s true name, so I used yours. Look. Here it is. It is yours. Do with it what you will.’ Meric offered a piece of silk with a rune inscribed on it to the priest who snatched it from him. ‘I will erase the rune and restore the silk to the king.’ He said. ‘No!’ panicked Meric. ‘If the rune is destroyed, you will die instantly. That is why the king has fifty runes. If someone does get the flag, then they would then need to erase all fifty runes. And they can’t just cut up the flag either. The silk has to be destroyed by magical rituals or powerful artifacts. They could destroy one or two runes, but not all fifty. You’ll just have to live forever.’ Meric smirked. ‘Well, there ye go, laddie!’ said Thunnet. ‘Eternal life! What about this Baalith then?’ ‘Lets go to his tower to deal with him.’ Replied Meric. ‘But first, Thunnet, I think we should go to your lab to pick up some more red crystals.’ So they did. After sifting through the huge piles of glassware and equipment, the three loyal servants of the king found some explosive red gems. While Theric and Thunnet were searching, Meric found three blue teleportation crystals and slipped them into his pocket.
The library was huge. Books of all shapes, sizes and languages line the shelves. A young looking, handsome man dressed in black was sipping a fine wine from a goblet as he read about one of the ancient philosophers. Then he noticed the man in the brown robes. ‘How did you get here?’ Demanded Lord Baalith. ‘Lord Baalith’ said Meric, ignoring the question. ‘Quite young looking for someone of five hundred. You know human sacrifice was banned a century ago.’ ‘I’m worth more than those rats in the streets. I deserve their blood. What great things have they ever done?’ ‘They certainly haven’t captured a planeswalker.’ Said Meric. Baalith stopped. He started to sweat. ‘Return the jewel, and I might overlook your transgression.’ Baalith picked up a sword from the table. It immediately vanished. He then noticed another man dressed in red and blue robes, holding his sword. ‘This is Highmage Thunnet.’ Explained Meric. A genius when it comes to teleporting unliving matter. ‘What do you want?’ begged Baalith. ‘Gold? A title? Magical artifacts? I can give you them all!’ ‘We just want the jewel with the spark.’ Said a man in white robes who had appeared from nowhere. ‘And then we want justice.’ ‘Forget justice, I say we blow ‘im up. This lizard’s givin’ us bomb makers a bad name!’ said Thunnet. ‘Oh yes.’ Said Meric. ‘Our friend here also likes explosives. He’s laid them all around your tower and they will go off in one minute. If you give us the gem, he’ll stop them. If not, you die. Either way, the gem is destroyed.’ Baalith looked at the faces of the three men. He walked over to a desk, pulled open a draw and took out a glowing red jewel. He tosses it to Meric. ‘Now we will take you to the halls of justice.’ Said Theric, triumphantly. Meric pulls out his dagger, throws it at Baalith. The dagger lodges in his throat and blood pours out of the cut. He is dead. ‘Why did you do that?’ demanded Theric, aghast. ‘We had no evidence. He would have escaped to plot again. How can you still be so naïve when the Great tower was almost destroyed? Hundreds of nobles are plotting to destroy half the city just to rule over the other half. There’s no place for morals when the life of the king is in jeopardy.’ ‘That may be.’ Replied Theric. ‘But your actions will all have terrible consequences that you will have to face one day.’ ‘I think life’s easier when you blow stuff up.’ Interjected Thunnit.
Theric and Thunnet left the tower, leaving Meric to ransack the library for incriminating documents. ‘Well, we’ve saved the king and you’re immortal. Nice work, laddie.’ Meric joined them. ‘Got any documents? Who are you going to kill next?’ Sniped Theric. ‘No one I know of.’ Replied Meric. Then came the roar of the quake. The ground shook, throwing the three of them to the ground. Looking up in the distance, they could all see the Great Tower toppling towards them. Meric leapt up, pulled the three blue crystals and threw them to the ground. The three of them vanished. Stones rained down upon the city, crushing the buildings and the people. Chaos reigned.
Kendris stood in front on a pool of black liquid in a small chamber under the city. ‘Greetings, Meric.’ He said. The spy appeared in front of him. ‘You have done well, my friend.’ Said Kendrick. ‘It was easy enough my lord. I set the planeswalker free, but only after he destroyed the tower.’ ‘Yes.’ Added Kendris. ‘Then my men collected the flag and put it in the void.’ He looked at the black liquid in front of him. ‘It has taken centuries to capture part of the void, but I did. And when I put the flag in it, it annihilated the flag. And all its runes. And now Patermemnon needs its second king. And a second flag.’ Meric produced the flag. Kendris smiled. ‘This flag will ensure I rule forever. And I won’t be so foolish to put it on the top of a tower. It shall reside in the deepest dungeon.’ He then noticed the missing piece. ‘What is this? Have you been so greedy as to wish some Galos silk for yourself? Give me the silk!’ Sighing, Meric produced a small piece of silk. Kendris grabbed it. He noticed the rune on the piece of silk. ‘I always knew you spies could not be trusted. I guess I execute my first traitor today.’ Kendris dropped the silk and it floated lazily down towards the black liquid. Meric made a grab for it, but he missed and the silk touched the black liquid. The moment it did, it was vaporised. Meric still stood before the astonished Kendris. ‘I made more than one copy of my true name. This, however, I made only one of.’ Kendris looked in horror at the piece of red silk in Meric’s hand. It had Kendris’s true name written upon it. Meric plunged it into the void. Kendris aged before him, turning into an old man, then a skeleton and then he was reduced to dust. Meric took the dust and used it in an illusion spell. From that day on, the city would be ruled by King Kendris, but anyone who knew him would swear that he was different. However, they just put it down to the corruption of power.
Spelling and Grammar (0-5): 3/5. A few misspellings, some sketchy grammar, and you even spelled one of your characters’ names wrong. This really needed a run thru a spell-checker and some proofreading.
Characterization (0-10): 5/10. None of the characters are unique; they’re all stock fantasy archetypes. Thunnit was the most interesting of them, but none were characterized especially deeply. And the swerve with Kendris at the end was out of nowhere. What was his motivation for usurping the throne? What foreshadowing did we get that gave a hint that would happen?
Plot and Structure (0-10): 6/10. Pretty basic. I don’t think you need a prologue, chapters, and epilogue in a short story, though; scene breaks will suffice.
Style (0-10): 6/10. Everything was easy to read. You did change tenses a couple of times, and changed POV at least once. Things like that are often jarring for your readers, and serve to remind them that they are, in fact, reading a story.
Creativity (0-10): 6/10. I’ll give you points for the flag-silk-truename-immortality combo, but the rest was pretty standard fantasy stuff.
Overall: 31/50. You mentioned this was your first short story. It’s not bad for a first effort, but it definitely had some flaws that dragged the scores down in a few areas. Work on developing deep characters with clear motivations, since they’re the lynchpins of any good story.
Flag... check. The flag of Patermemmnon is a major plot device incorporated into your story, and you also spent a great time describing its importance throughout the story (mostly in the prologue though. Explosions... check. The mages and plainswalkers use explosions as a natural combat tool and their use in no way comes off as forced. I thought you pulled off this part of the grading very well.
[Spelling and Grammar (3):
There were a few spelling errors that I spotted while reading your short story and I did not like the look of the story with all the chapters thrown in, as each chapter really didn’t hold enough content to call itself a chapter. I believe that you would have been perfectly fine constructing your story using normal paragraphs to describe the events while breaking off into the character's dialogue... also This: " and This: ' are two completely different symbols that mean separate things. This wasn’t a major problem as your story was still legible but more for future reference.
A couple of your characters are interesting… namely Thunnit and Theric. Most of your other characters though are very bland and their actions don’t seem too match their character. Meric is supposed to be an assassin and spy but he really is just a one dimensional character. Sure you explain it in dialogue what he does, but there really are no actions that show Meric is sly or conniving except for him being a monk in disguise (for no real purpose).
Plot and Structure (6):
Your plot has a certain flow to it that I like but there were certain flaws that I wasn’t able to overlook. If Meric was the character who stole the planeswalkers spark after all then why would Lord Baalith not deny the accusation? Also the last chapter before the epilogue was weak. The end of a story is the last that the person reads so it needs to be one of the strongest points in your story, but here it was not. The dialogue is unrealistic (“…you’re immortal. Nice work laddie.” For something serious like eternal life, deeper dialogue is needed or it comes off corny), they don’t seem to be worried about the tower still being in danger/giving their farewell when the quest is not over, and how the tower fell anyways/how few words were given to describe the events leading up to it/the actual happening of it/ and the result of the tower falling.
Your writing has a very concise and descriptive feel to it, yet it could use to be less: this happened, then we went here and this happened, then we went here and this happened etc… An important suggestion that I would give to you to improve your writing is to spend more time in each setting and provide more dialogue and descriptions, because your work story seems a bit rushed.
You could have done a lot more with the totalitarian nature of the city then you did, which was the biggest thing that irked me in your story. Your prologue sets your story up with a great theme to explore, yet you didn’t pursue it as much I as would have liked. Other then that the story overall was decent…
Spelling and Grammar (0-5): some misspellings and some strange use of the grammar, but other than that its ok - 4
Characterization (0-10): I felt that you didn't "pass much time" with none of your characters, because they felt a little hollow. One thing you could do would be to make their actions describe what kind of person they are, instead of narrating it. - 6
Plot and Structure (0-10): The plot is not a new one, although it is interesting. I didn't like the chapter division very much, i don't think it was necessary. - 7
Style (0-10): I liked your writing, although it maybe a little descriptive (which can make us loose a little focus), but it was easy to read and compelling - 7
Creativity (0-10): nothing truly innovative, but i liked it overall - 7
Total - 36
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