This is an intro to one of my stories. However, it isn't really well written, so please look past that. What I really need help on is.. well, what I need is someone to tear through this and critique it to all Hell and then give me a way to fix it. Give me ideas. Tell me what I'm forgetting. I'm not exactly the best at things involving the real world, even if it is in the future- I'm better and freshly started fantasy settings, where it's pleasant because things are much simpler and things that aren't are explained through magic.
Quote from Stupid prologue to a good story- really! »
It began in the year 2033; the Earth was on an inevitable collision course with an extinction-class comet, and the United States government, in shambles from a war that had driven it to the brink of poverty, had only then taken the astral body into consideration. Astronomers had discovered it many years prior, but had paid just as little attention to it, confident that their calculations were correct, and that the comet would be “millions” of miles off-course. Unfortunately, they had failed to take into account the fact that comets were very sensitive to gravitational forces, and much to their dismay, the comet would soon crash directly into the Earth. Governments across the globe were ignorant to, secretive, or doubtful about this information. The US government had decided to accept the inevitable collision, while quietly raising taxes to provide money for a peculiar project- one not to destroy the comet, but to plan for life afterward.
The United States declared war on many Middle-Eastern countries, almost randomly, as to provide a distraction for their plans. They began digging beneath the earth, creating tunnels at first, installing power generators, which would soon become power plants. The digging sites were often centralized around large underground rivers, by which water distillation plants were built. Within years, a city was formed in secret, right below everyone’s feet and within American soil. Thousands of workers from over the border and over-seas were put to work on this project. At first the federal government had the idea to allow the workers into the city. This was not the brightest of ideas, as thousands worked on the project, and surely they would want their families to come along. The secondary plan was to bribe the workers to keep quiet, but seeing as currency was running light in value, however, it was not the best decision.
They decided to see how things would play-out in construction. Of course, government officials would have an automatic place in their city of choice, but more were needed to continue civilization. As it turned out that the average city would hold and support an initial 6,000 people (with a maximum of 12,000 or more, as the birth rate had to be taken into account) for nearly a century, workers who were not bribed were promised a place in the city. Aristocrats, intellectuals, workers and later military men and women quickly filled this underground haven, making for a fairly diverse culture. However, the day of reckoning was fast approaching, and the comet could not remain a secret for long. By the time panic had set in, however, the White House had long since been abandoned of all but several low-ranking “puppet” officials, and the remaining American people had no one to look to for true leadership. The city was already sealed, locked, and hidden, with more than sufficiently stocked with supplies and all that was necessary for survival.
Other countries took similar courses of action, setting up underground havens. Unfortunately, many were too late in doing so and failed to save as many people as they could have. Others were rather timely, but those who dwelled beneath died out due to a failure to ration food and water. Several nations took a more “Hollywood” approach to the problem, using nuclear projectiles and launch crews to plant bombs on the comets surface. This worked to a degree, actually breaking off large chunks of dust and ice, reducing the strength of the impact by 30%, which may have been just enough to avoid total decimation. Still, the comet hit the Earth dead-on during the year 2038, as predicted, causing environmental chaos everywhere. Volcanoes ripped open across the globe, huge tsunamis tore through coastal civilizations and swallowed islands. Cities are shaken to the core as earthquakes continue for months to come, including one so powerful that it actually destroyed one underground city. However, that was only the beginning.
The most devastating after-effect of the comet was the enormous amounts of dust and debris sent into the stratosphere from the impact site. Blanketing the Earth in a sheet of black, the temperature across the globe dropped from twenty to fifty degrees everywhere, making the planet inhospitable for all but the smallest insects, rodents and bacteria. Life ended for all who had survived the impact and the chaos that ensued afterward- but it was only beginning for those below ground.
Life flourished within the underground city. Well-supplied and prepared, thousands of plants were grown via UV light, including several hundred salvaged trees. Water came with the river, and food came with the plants and animals farmed (and later, cloned) underground- all of which was an addition to the canned and preserved food that had been rationed in mass prior to the event. Years went on, and birth control was reintroduced to prevent over-population, but within 40 years, skies would begin to clear, temperatures would begin to rise, and the Earth would be cold, barren, but relatively hospitable again.
Prologue
7 /23 / 2038
The end of the world…
It was a joke until then…a rumor… it was hypothetical… it was a distant fear, a distant thought, a distant possibility…
The distance was crossed.
We were all so foolish… so naïve to trust in a government so corrupt, so deceptive…yet we all shut our eyes to it, for it was all we had!
Those who didn’t are likely long dead now…
We were left in shambles, with little more than a worthless currency, resentment and blame repeatedly directed and alternated between past administrations and the short-sightedness of those in power…Hope?
No, hope had abandoned us now…
The world searched for heroes, but they never rose…
We ignored the words of the intellectuals, for we were afraid… afraid of being powerless, of being helpless against something we had only seen in movies time and time-again…
We never believed them- no, it was already too late for us- but even when death glided through the sky, we did not except our fates, for more than anything, we were afraid of there being no answer…no hope…
The world searched for answers, but they were never found…
It seemed there would be no happy ending…and for billions, it was true…
I, on the other hand, was one of the lucky ones.
It seemed that our government had come through… Despite our country’s downfall into depression and poverty, a secret project had finally revealed its dark, cold, but much welcomed form to select groups of the public. It’s name?
Project Oasis.
So sweet… such a wonderful name, but to quote Shakespeare, what is in a name?
Several decades prior to the catastrophe, the United States had declared war after war on a series of Middle-Eastern countries, pulling the media’s attention away from its project and restricting the area in a manner similar to a military base, though locals had written it off as a landfill.
I later learned of the complex infrastructure of our new, shadowy home; the power generators that would soon become fully functional power plants, the underground river it was centralized around provided our shelters with fresh water. Workers on the project and their families, all from across borders and overseas, were allowed a place in the soon-to-be city so long as the project was kept under wraps. Naturally, government officials aware of the Oasis had already been promised a place within the city, but even then there were many more positions to be filled for civilization’s sequel…
The rich, the educated, the working class, and military men and women filled this much welcomed hollow of earth, providing us with the health services, a legal system, law enforcement, all the necessities of modern life as we knew it. I was quite fortunate to be among them…
I won’t bore you with the details of the Oasis’s workings- that’s an engineer’s job. I, on the other hand, am a historian. I know little of what happened to those who remained outside, though I hear rumors of other refuges out there in the wastes…
…though many were constructed all too late to protect as many, or for as long.
Many havens collapsed due to poor and hasty construction techniques, killing thousands, while others faced a much slower death due to failure to ration food and water.
Nations elsewhere in the world took a more cinematic approach to the problem, using nuclear projectiles and launch crews to plant bombs on the meteors surface. This was effective, but only to a degree that would save the planet from total decimation…
…but not the human race.
Words could never describe the chaos that ensued…
Volcanoes ripped open the world over,
Tsunamis tore through the coasts, swallowing islands, devouring civilizations…
Those that remain are shaken to the bone as earthquakes continue for months to come…
It was the death of the world we knew…
… but now I stand here, beneath the earth, in the crypt of the living, and I witness the birth of the world we don’t.
Many scientists would find themselves ecstatic about this, and others in times ahead could only hope to witness such a renaissance.
Sadly, I can take no such joy… in my heart, I feel only dread, I feel only fear… for I cannot escape the distinct chill that this was never meant to pass… that we are twisting fate’s arm in order to survive… that we no longer a product of nature or God, but we will become something worse… or perhaps, something more.
God willing, I will never live to see it. Today, I seal my fate in the barrel of a gun. It is not as nature intended, but it will have to do, for the sake of my sanity.
Sincerely,
Dr. Terrance Radford
Help me out here. In a manner, I have access to limited "magic" for the explanation of things, because this takes place 30 years from now and technology can evolve in any which manner.
It actually sounds really plausible. Here are a few things I was thinking:
1) The population of the city could be much more. Certainly not more than a few millions. Maybe a few hundred thousands. Or at least tens of thousands. See here. But you could use the reasoning that the city resources could not support that many people.
2) If your water source in the underground city was from a river, you had better had some good 'deacidification?' process going on because with all the volcanic ashes up in the atmosphere, acid rains are a nasty certainty that will be absorbed into the underground river systems and they are ones that would last on for years.
3) I think the temperature drop could be higher though I couldn't remember by how much. The entire surface was blocked from the sun's UV rays after all. With the amount of CO2 in the atmosphere and the length of time in which snow and ice can accumulate, this could actually trigger a positive feedback effect and cause another Ice Age to occur. Eh, don't really know what I am talking about but read something like that in a novel about evolution. But you can ignore this part.
4) Some creatures would survive the impact, particularly those hiding deep within the dark depths of the ocean. Since water has a high specific heat capacity, those thousands of miles of deep water would resist heat change very effectively. And with maximum density at 4 degrees Celcius, ice would float upward, insulating the heat within from escaping. Deep water would not be totally frozen and heat would still linger beneath the layer of ice.
5) I think 40 years is too short a time for the surface to stabilize again. Maybe a few generations? If you got advance terraforming tools, then maybe the period of waiting could be shorter.
BUT that are just what I was thinking. You could just claim creative license in pursuing a story. That's what I usually do anyway. Sorry can't be of more help.
Try showing instead of telling. You say "the comet was on collision course with earth..." but instead of that, you could show the astronomers finding it out, and being shocked, or some more creative way of letting the audience know that the book was about a comet.
Yeah, yeah, I know the writing sucks, but I don't need criticism on that. What I need criticism on is the content- the writing itself is far below me. The only reason it's so terrible is the fact that I don't even believe what it is I'm writing, that's why I need people to help me get my facts straight on what is and isn't possible in regards to the story I'm trying to tell.
Private Mod Note
():
Rollback Post to RevisionRollBack
Getting the last word does not mean that you win the argument.
1) The population of the city could be much more. Certainly not more than a few millions. Maybe a few hundred thousands. Or at least tens of thousands. See here. But you could use the reasoning that the city resources could not support that many people.
Upped to 10,000.
2) If your water source in the underground city was from a river, you had better had some good 'deacidification?' process going on because with all the volcanic ashes up in the atmosphere, acid rains are a nasty certainty that will be absorbed into the underground river systems and they are ones that would last on for years.
How long would it take for that to happen? I'll introduce it as a problem, and there will be conflict and an eventual solution probably solved via my magic wand-effect, technology.
3) I think the temperature drop could be higher though I couldn't remember by how much. The entire surface was blocked from the sun's UV rays after all. With the amount of CO2 in the atmosphere and the length of time in which snow and ice can accumulate, this could actually trigger a positive feedback effect and cause another Ice Age to occur. Eh, don't really know what I am talking about but read something like that in a novel about evolution. But you can ignore this part.
I think I'll have it so an Ice Age is triggered, which is pretty plausible, considering the fact that heat will melt the ice caps.
4) Some creatures would survive the impact, particularly those hiding deep within the dark depths of the ocean. Since water has a high specific heat capacity, those thousands of miles of deep water would resist heat change very effectively. And with maximum density at 4 degrees Celcius, ice would float upward, insulating the heat within from escaping. Deep water would not be totally frozen and heat would still linger beneath the layer of ice.
Interesting, but I don't believe it will come into play.
5) I think 40 years is too short a time for the surface to stabilize again. Maybe a few generations? If you got advance terraforming tools, then maybe the period of waiting could be shorter.
That's cool, I can make them wait longer, but how much longer before they start building at least?
BUT that are just what I was thinking. You could just claim creative license in pursuing a story. That's what I usually do anyway. Sorry can't be of more help.
I don't want people jumping down my throat later, so I'm looking for trouble beforehand.
That's very unlikely, don't you think? Astronomers usually are very careful about comets and do take gravitational forces into account. Oh, and by the way - which gravitational forces are you talking about? What's the reason that the comet obviously changes its course?
You're right, I knew that was pretty unstable. Maybe just have a meteor heading after them, but the typical US government ignores it because they're too concerned with wars over foreign oil. I'm not sure whether to have it be a comet or a meteor, either. Comets are brighter, but create more dust (right?), while meteors aren't as bright, but might not have the same effect on the Earth as I want it to have.
You cannot raise taxes "quitely". And you cannot keep an incomming comet a secret. Not every astronomer can be quieted by the gouvernment, especially not those who do it as a hobby.
Understood, taxes will be raised but I think I'll just have the government lie about for what purpose. Rogue astronomers will give warnings, but more prestigious, well-known ones may be paid to keep quiet or perhaps they will be coerced. No one will take it seriously just yet, though the news might air it eventually. It won't be kept a secret forever, but real widespread panic won't insue until it is too late for anyone to do anything about it. Let me know if even this won't work, I just don't want widespread panic/worry for 30 years straight since the object's discovery.
This whole scenario just doesn't make sense. There are too many variables that simply won't work here. You can keep a new weapon that can destroy Earth a secret, but you cannot hide a comming worldwide catastrophe that everyone with a decent telescope can see. And don't ignore the internet (look at http://www.eso.org/outreach/spec-prog/aol/). Information is so easily made public nowadays that the gouvernment simply can't avoid it leaking.
Besides, five years for the comet to hit Earth - that's nothing. If the comet would move with lightspeed (which is impossible) it might have come from Proxima Centauri in these five years, but due to its limited speed it have to be already in our solar system in 2033. And then it's clearly visible - unless you can give a better explanation in the text.
You're right, it would most likely leak, but I wonder how long it would take, and how seriously it would be taken. I'm figuring that if it were leaking, it would be about as big as the US Govt. supposedly knowing about 9/11 beforehand, and people just shrug it off because there's nothing that can be done now, but down the road the information will spill.
Also, what would happen if the meteor hit Antarctica? I want it to trigger an Ice Age, but hitting and melting a polar ice cap directly might not be necessary.
There's a lot that won't be mentioned in the second draft that will be mentioned in the story, like the Ice Age that is triggered.
I dunno Zyrakris. That advice is good and everything but I think you have to look at good Sci-Fi literature for inspiration. Your story of an apocalyptic scenario of earth's not too distant future fits the bill. What made Jurrassic Park a bestseller was that it gave you the old " suspension of disbelief " routine. Star Trek was good sci because it had vague descriptions or definitions ( ie: sub-space communication ) that again allowed your internal physics critic not to question how 2 ships could be " on screen " while they were light years away. It's just kinda established that we are looking at super advanced society where all this stuff is viable. Heck even Asimov was pretty vague on lot's of "technical" details. I think good literature sci-fi or not focuses less on the details and more on the human experience. Maybe a sentence or 2 describing the level of advancement of this city or society could dispense with all the technicalities.
Private Mod Note
():
Rollback Post to RevisionRollBack
To post a comment, please login or register a new account.
Help me out here. In a manner, I have access to limited "magic" for the explanation of things, because this takes place 30 years from now and technology can evolve in any which manner.
1) The population of the city could be much more. Certainly not more than a few millions. Maybe a few hundred thousands. Or at least tens of thousands. See here. But you could use the reasoning that the city resources could not support that many people.
2) If your water source in the underground city was from a river, you had better had some good 'deacidification?' process going on because with all the volcanic ashes up in the atmosphere, acid rains are a nasty certainty that will be absorbed into the underground river systems and they are ones that would last on for years.
3) I think the temperature drop could be higher though I couldn't remember by how much. The entire surface was blocked from the sun's UV rays after all. With the amount of CO2 in the atmosphere and the length of time in which snow and ice can accumulate, this could actually trigger a positive feedback effect and cause another Ice Age to occur. Eh, don't really know what I am talking about but read something like that in a novel about evolution. But you can ignore this part.
4) Some creatures would survive the impact, particularly those hiding deep within the dark depths of the ocean. Since water has a high specific heat capacity, those thousands of miles of deep water would resist heat change very effectively. And with maximum density at 4 degrees Celcius, ice would float upward, insulating the heat within from escaping. Deep water would not be totally frozen and heat would still linger beneath the layer of ice.
5) I think 40 years is too short a time for the surface to stabilize again. Maybe a few generations? If you got advance terraforming tools, then maybe the period of waiting could be shorter.
BUT that are just what I was thinking. You could just claim creative license in pursuing a story. That's what I usually do anyway. Sorry can't be of more help.
We'll make you an offer you can't refuse.
Hosting: Vista Mafia
Hosted: Intrigue Mafia (Mini), Seance #43 (Basic), Conflux Mafia (Normal), Goo Mafia (FTQ), Experiment #26 (Basic)
Ongoing/Completed - 0/41
Town/Mafia/SK/Survivor - 30/6/4/1
NKed/Lynched/Survived - 15/11/15
Shameless plug:
Critique the story in my sig!
Trade Thread
Upped to 10,000.
How long would it take for that to happen? I'll introduce it as a problem, and there will be conflict and an eventual solution probably solved via my magic wand-effect, technology.
I think I'll have it so an Ice Age is triggered, which is pretty plausible, considering the fact that heat will melt the ice caps.
Interesting, but I don't believe it will come into play.
That's cool, I can make them wait longer, but how much longer before they start building at least?
I don't want people jumping down my throat later, so I'm looking for trouble beforehand.
You're right, I knew that was pretty unstable. Maybe just have a meteor heading after them, but the typical US government ignores it because they're too concerned with wars over foreign oil. I'm not sure whether to have it be a comet or a meteor, either. Comets are brighter, but create more dust (right?), while meteors aren't as bright, but might not have the same effect on the Earth as I want it to have.
Understood, taxes will be raised but I think I'll just have the government lie about for what purpose. Rogue astronomers will give warnings, but more prestigious, well-known ones may be paid to keep quiet or perhaps they will be coerced. No one will take it seriously just yet, though the news might air it eventually. It won't be kept a secret forever, but real widespread panic won't insue until it is too late for anyone to do anything about it. Let me know if even this won't work, I just don't want widespread panic/worry for 30 years straight since the object's discovery.
You're right, it would most likely leak, but I wonder how long it would take, and how seriously it would be taken. I'm figuring that if it were leaking, it would be about as big as the US Govt. supposedly knowing about 9/11 beforehand, and people just shrug it off because there's nothing that can be done now, but down the road the information will spill.
Also, what would happen if the meteor hit Antarctica? I want it to trigger an Ice Age, but hitting and melting a polar ice cap directly might not be necessary.
There's a lot that won't be mentioned in the second draft that will be mentioned in the story, like the Ice Age that is triggered.