MTG Salvation

If someone could read this poem and give me a bit of feedback, I'd be very much appreciative. I'm planning to submit it for an anual anthology from my college, and I want to make sure it's as good as I can make it before it hits the press. Thanks!

<EDIT> — I should mention that the two spellings of grey/gray are intentional; to me, "grey" seems like it would be more silver, whereas "gray" would be more of a dirty looking color.

No-one wants to help the penguin? Is it really that vanilla?

If it helps, the word "lech" means to lust after, especially in a sexual manner. I picked that word because I thought it brought the kind of denotation (as well as conotation) I wanted; it fit with the rather dark and emo-y mood of the rest of the piece.

I agree on the adjectives, you have so many that any actual meaning from your poem becomes lost in the descriptions. I'd limit one adjective per noun. Also, some of the ones you've chosen are fairly weak (hard, grey, brown, pretty much any color adjective), replace them with something more vivid.

And lech, while it fits the poem, sounds fairly dull as a word. A possible replacement is...ache, or desire, or something along those lines. Lust would work as well if you replace it with another word in the earlier sentence.

I agree with the lech comment.

I must say though, adding 'The' and 'a' and the like would probably kill the poem. Poem's tend not to follow the laws of grammar to a t, and this is one of the places to ignore them.

Also, I don't follow the 'cross' line either. Where'd that come from?

Thanks for the comments! I really appreciate them. I don't have enough time to revise it at the moment (have to go to sleep like NOW), but I have some retorts to make:

"Lech," I feel, is a very strong word. It's the verb form of lecherous, which carries a very strong conotation. I might be able to rework that line so it uses "lecherous" instead of "lech," but I won't try to right now.

As for the line about the crosses, this poem was actually inspired by a girl who recently decided I wasn't the guy for her (and all that that implies). The whole thing is trying to describe how it felt when I let the realization sink in, which is why it's very abstract and doesn't finish a sentence very well. As for the crosses, one of her favorite sayings was "dance by yourself, and think of me when you do." However, now when I dance in lonliness, all my thoughts are going to have to be on the stone-grey crosses of a graveyard because my only hope of being with her again is in the afterlife.

I hope that clears up a bit of the confusion that seems to have been caused by my wording and phrase construction. Believe me: I thought quite hard about what I was doing while I was doing it; the thoughts are sometimes incomplete because that is simply how best to describe what I'm trying to convey.

Again, thank you all so much fot the comments!