I started writing a book a while back, and I haven't really given it much attention lately. Now I am looking to finish it, and send it to publishing (A friend of mine owns a publishing company). However, I want to let you guys read a few chapters and tell me what you think. Should I continue, or scrap it and move on? Would you be interested in the rest of the story? Does the writing style make sense? Any (constructive)comments welcome.
Chapter 1
The sunshine warmed Corey's skin as he stood in the open valley. A calm wind blew the knee-high grass, turning it into a golden sea rolling in and out of the hillside. The air was warm and sweet, with a scent he couldn't quite describe. He looked over at the ground beside him and saw a body laying face down in the flowing grass. Off in the distance, Corey could hear trees being snapped and broken, crushed under the weight of some giant monstrosity. A large, camouflaged tank broke through the tree line, bending trees to the ground as if they were made of rubber. Corey focused hard, trying to stop its approach, only to find he was helpless. The ground shook under his feet as a hundred and twenty millimeter bullet was fire from the main turret gun atop the rolling fortress. He watched in horror as it sliced through the air in slow-motion, marking him for death in less than a second. As the bullet smashed into his chest, Corey sat up in bed, breathing hard, body tingling from adrenaline. This was the third time this week he had that dream. Always ending the same, always unable to defend himself. He took a drink of water and pulled himself out of bed. Looking at the clock, he had about twenty minutes until the Doctor showed up and he wanted to be good and stretched out by then. It was Friday, a training day, which always ended in sore muscles and restless sleep. Eight hours of grueling exercise lay ahead of him and he still hadn't even eaten breakfast yet. After a few minutes of warm-ups, Corey sat at the table and began to eat his eggs. They never quite got them cooked enough for his taste, but at least the bacon was good. Right about the time he finished his glass of orange juice, Dr. Logan walked through the door. He was a very distinguished looking man, very refined and proper. He was wearing the same attire as always, brown slacks, a blue button up shirt, and a white lab coat. He was tall, with salt and pepper hair and beard and thin lines creasing the corners of his crisp blue eyes. The Doctor had always been sort of a father figure to Corey, and he respected him very much. "Good morning, Corey!" the Doctor said with a smile. "Isn't it a little early for that kind of enthusiasm?" "Early bird, my boy, early bird." "Right. So what's on the menu for today?" "The usual, with a twist." "What kind of twist?" "As I'm sure you've heard, Colonel Sharp will be leaving us today and the new man in charge will be there for your test this morning, Major General Conners, so I'm told. We want to make a good impression, so expect to go hard today." "Wonderful. Oh well, you guys have been going easy on me lately anyways." "That's the spirit! Now get changed so we can go, we need to be there in ten minutes." Corey stood up from the table and walked to his room, pulled out the familiar black training suit, and began to get dressed. "I was rather impressed with your performance the other day. You far exceeded my expectations", Dr. Logan yelled from the other room. "I try." Corey replied half-hearted, and buttoning the final button on his pants. Searching under the bed, Corey found his shoes and slipped them on. "Ok Doc, ready to go." "Good, but before we go, I want to talk to you." "About what?" "Your grades. The teachers have been telling me that you have let them slip lately. Any reason why?" "Distracted I guess." "At what?" "Training. I have been practicing so much, but I'm starting to wonder why. What is all this for? Why am I even like this at all?" "All in due time my boy, but your grades are very important. A sharp mind is just as important as a strong body, you know that. I expect to hear better by this time next week, understand?" "Yes sir." "Good, then let’s get a move on." Dr. Logan opened the door and led Corey down the housing corridor, towards the training room. The hallway was long, built with fifty rooms, just like his. Corey watched as a few of his peers were led from there rooms and taken to their respective training areas, while a lady pushing a cart, picked up the breakfast trays. They turned down a hallway and the Doctor used his card to open a set of double doors marked "AUTHORIZED PERSONNEL ONLY" in bright red letters. They went down another long hallway, to a door that led into a separate building. The Doctor once again swiped his card, and Corey saw the familiar training room he had used since he was five years old. It was a huge, stadium sized room with a glass roof to let in the sunlight. For his test, various types of terrain had been placed inside the room: boulders, a pond and a small patch of forest, all held in this steel lined coliseum. On the right wall, there was a door that led to the control room which looked over the area through a large two-way mirror. No doubt the General and half the staff would be there watching him. There was also a set of large steel doors on the opposite end of the room, with a red light and siren that activated every time the doors were opened. The Doctor placed Corey in the center of the room and turned to face him. "Alright Corey, I'll be in the control room, monitoring your vital signs, and overseeing the exercise. If for any reason it ever....." "Becomes too much, scream stop. I know." "Ok, come here and let me hook up the monitors." The Doctor began to hook up the fourteen monitors designed to analyze his brain waves and the energy fluctuations in his body. He told Corey once that this will help them to understand why he can do what he can, and teach him to control and strengthen his power. "That should do it." "Thanks Doc" As the Doctor walked away, Corey scanned his surroundings, wondering what was to come. Considering what he did to those trees last time he was here, he was rather surprise to find them all there. They might make good cover, or possibly a good projectile. He resumed his stretches from earlier and tried to focus.
***
As the Doctor entered the control room, he was greeted by Major General Conner. He was a broad shouldered man, slightly shorter than the Doctor. He had very obviously served in a few wars, as he walked with a slight limp and had a deep scar across his right cheek. "Good morning Doctor.” the General spoke in a deep commanding voice. "Same to you sir. It's good to meet you face to face.” shaking the General's hand, “Have you been properly briefed on our operations at this facility?" "Not quite. This installation, as you well know, it's extremely top-secret, and no documentation has been allowed leave, so I do expect a full briefing after this little demonstration." "Absolutely sir." "So Doctor, what exactly are we watching here?" "Well General, I think it's better if you just watch for yourself."
***
Corey stood focused as a loud voice came over the intercom. "Ok, number twenty-nine, we are ready to begin." Corey looked at the room, and gave a nod indicating he was ready. The red light flashed over the top of the steel doors as they began to slide open. A slow, creeping fog flowed out of the darkness of the room and into the brightly lit battleground where Corey stood ready. To his surprise, a team of researchers wheeled five large granite pillars into the room. Each one was approximately ten feet tall and three feet wide, sitting on a steel braced cart. The ten researchers secured each stone block to the floor using chains and hooks mounted in a concrete slab several yards from the gigantic doors. Once they were done, they retreated to the safety of the darkened room, as the six inch thick steel doors slid closed. "Number twenty-nine", the loud voice began again, "Your objective is to destroy the blocks using each of the three land types in the training room. Destroy the fourth using air, and the fifth can be by what ever means you wish. You have ten minutes to complete this task. Do you understand?" Corey nodded in acknowledgment as he concentrated on the currents of air that surrounded his body. The forest was easy, the wood could easily break the stone if thrown right and the boulders wouldn't pose much of a problem either. The water, however, was a different story. Granite is a fairly dense stone; he would have to think on his feet for that one. "Are you ready, number twenty-nine?" Corey opened his eyes and waved at the mirror. He felt the familiar jolt of energy as the monitors turned on and momentarily broke his concentration. "You have ten minutes. Five...Four...Three...Two...One..." Corey turned to face the forest, sweeping his arms sideways in order to shift the largest of the trees. It took two attempts, but he managed to uproot the foot thick tree and rotate it to a ninety degree angle. He braced his feet and grabbed every cell of the tree his mind would allow, and then threw it with all his might. Corey spun a full circle and kick his right leg to force a gust of air under the trunk, then followed through with his arms and pushed the tree, sending it speeding toward the first block. As the giant battering ram collided with the stone, Corey sent another tree in the same fashion, then another and another. A huge cloud of dust and broken rubble was all that was left as Corey turned toward the boulders more than twenty feet away. He threw is left arm in the air lifting the boulder off the ground and punched with his right, sending the car-sized rock racing towards the second pillar. The much softer sandstone crumpled, leaving the pillar completely unharmed. "Seven minutes left...” boomed from the control room. Corey lifted another rock and probed deep inside. The grains of the sandstone were loose and had space to move. The granite was easily three times as dense and the only way this would work is if he condensed the rock. Corey raced against the clock trying to rearrange the particles of the stone to fit. Once they were aligned properly; he squeezed, and fused the particles together to form a smaller, denser, solid stone. Although it was a lot stronger now, the rock was still far too soft to break the granite with a head on shot. Corey held fast to every molecule of the rock and began to spin. The once plain stone became a fast-moving, deadly projectile, revolving ever faster around the inside of this grand coliseum. Once it had reached the height of its acceleration, Corey released his weapon and threw it directly at the second pillar. The rock smashed through the granite, sending shrapnel in every direction. Wasting no time, Corey turned to the pond, and pulled a long ribbon of water into the air. Crushing the molecules together, he turned the liquid into an icy solid and hurled it at the third pillar. The ice shattered against the stone like glass under a hammer, not even a blemish was left on the smooth surface of the cold stone. "Four minutes....” Corey heard from the loud speaker overhead. Three pillars left and almost out of time. Corey studied the pillar for a few seconds, feeling its structure and searching for flaws. There is was, a crack in the left side of the stone caused from the flying debris from the second pillar. Corey once again pulled a stream of water from the pond and flooded the crack with as much as it would hold. He could feel the water seeping deep into the cracks of the rock and once it was full he froze it. As the ice expanded inside the stone, the crack grew and split the pillar even farther. Corey quickly melted the ice, and pushed even more water into the expanding crevice. With one more freeze, the rock split and fell apart. Corey faced the fourth pillar, and momentarily wasn't sure what to do. "Two minutes....” the voice sounded anxious. Corey felt for and broke the links of the large chain used to secure the blocks to the concrete. Large industrial fans, located on the ceiling, kept the air circulating around the room. This was useful, as he would need a fast moving supply of air to draw from. Corey twisted a stream of air around his body, and blasted the top of the column until it started to tip over. After a few seconds, the pillar fell and shattered on the floor. Just to be sure this met requirements; he used the stream to send the pieces high into the air and slammed them onto the concrete slab where the pillar once stood. "You have one minute left, number twenty-nine” the voice said. One minute was plenty of time; Corey had already started the destruction of the last pillar. Before the researcher in the control room had even finished his sentence, Corey began to break apart the bonds holding the stones very molecules together. The great pillar shrank, dissolving into a pile of dust as Corey walked back to the center of the room. "Great job Corey!” the Doctor exclaimed over the loud speaker. Corey stood waiting for the Doctor when he felt the electrical buzz from the monitors stop. Looking around, he realized how much destruction he had caused in ten minutes. The landscape was ruined; pieces of rubble and up heaved earth lay strung across the entire length of the room. The pond was now a giant hole with mud splattered twenty feet in every direction. A massive cloud of dust hung motionless the air, dimming the sunshine that poured through the skylights. Doctor Logan emerged from the control room door and started in his direction. "Great job my boy!" he said, boasting a smile. "Thanks Doc, I try" As the words left Corey's lips, his knees buckled. He fell to the ground and slipped into unconsciousness.
Chapter 2
Dr. Logan walked down the hallway of the main research building. The walls were lined with doors and windows, each peering into laboratories where random doctors and interns scrambled around the room. The Doctor stopped at door marked "Dr. Steven Logan, Head of Research" and swiped his card to open the door. The room was large and well organized. A wooden desk sat in the center of the room, stacked with papers and folders filed with notes. The left wall was completely filled by a book case, containing hundreds of volumes, alphabetized for easy access. Ten, five drawer filing cabinets sat against the right wall of the room, each drawer labeled with a number one through fifty. The Doctor went to the sixth cabinet and opened the drawer labeled "29", pulled a file from it, and slid it shut. As he exited the room, he switched off the lights, and pulled the door shut with a small click as the lock fell into place. He continued up the main hallway and turned left down a small corridor. The General's door was open; the Doctor knocked three times and stepped across the threshold. The General's office was larger than his own. Boxes of personal belongings were stacked in the corner on top of a small end table. The General sat at the large wooden desk placed in the corner of the room. "Dr. Logan, please have a seat" The Doctor pulled one of the decorative leather chairs up to the desk and sat down. "Here is the file you requested sir. Now, I'm sure you have many questions, but if you will allow, I would rather just start from the beginning." the Doctor said in a respectful tone. "Please Do." "Right, well, this facility was built thirty-two years ago to use as a testing ground for "Project Advance". Our mission was to genetically modify humans with the intent to "force" a step in evolution. We were authorized to grow fifty subjects for the study, five years apart, in sets of ten. In order to keep it a controlled experiment, all of the subjects had to be male, to prevent any breeding. We used genetically enhanced DNA and injected them into blanks, or eggs that have had the maternal DNA removed. The subjects were then grown in our laboratories until thirty-eight weeks of gestation. At which point, we place extra stem cells in the brain between the frontal lobe and the sensory cortex then used a specialized computer to send electrical pulses into those cells causing a "bridge" of nerve tissue to form. The process itself is very slow, taking about a week. As a result, we space the birthing times apart by a week. So, two children at a time, for five weeks. Once the two sections of the brain have been fused, the result is a sort of extrasensory perception." "So this facility houses fifty subjects with abilities like I saw today?" "No. Number twenty-nine is a special case. Corey isn't like the others. They were all born with abilities, telepathy, telekinesis, clairvoyance, etc., but Corey does something we haven't been able to classify, something much more powerful. He has the ability so manipulate any form of matter, even air, on a molecular level. You see, fifteen years ago, when we connected him and number thirty to the computer, a large power surge fried most of the electrical equipment four days into the process. Number thirty died the next day, but Corey managed to survive. Somehow, his brain completed the process without any assistance, something we have tried, but never been able to reproduce. The result was what you saw yesterday." "I see. Is there anything the boy can't control? "He has trouble with human cells; he says there's too much "noise". We don't quite understand how his power works, but I can say this, in all of our subjects, their power has continued to grow until the age of twenty-five. Corey is only fifteen years old, which means once his power matures; there is no telling what he will be able to do." "The reason I ask, is how do we stop him if he becomes a threat? You don't know how powerful he will become and if he decides to turn against us, what do we do?" "You must realize sir; Corey is a well educated young man. He has been taught all about history, math, philosophy; he speaks three languages, and has master two forms of martial arts. With his abilities we focused more on natural sciences of course, biology, chemistry, anatomy, geology, etc. What I'm trying to say sir, is he is a level headed kid. Unlike someone who would be granted this power, Corey doesn't abuse it. He was raised to learn control. He knows he is special compared to the rest of the world and even the rest of the subjects, but he has strong morals and tries to do right. However, according to protocol, a fail-safe was implemented. Along with the stem cells, a small titanium receiver was implanted into the "bridge" of cells. If for any reason he ever escaped, or worse, turned, we could activate it, and use it to track him down. If all else fails, it seconds as an explosive, which would be powerful enough to kill him. All of the subject have one, each working on a different frequency; it's noted in all their files." "Well, I hope it never comes to that. To tell you the truth, I wasn't sure what to think about what I saw this morning. You and your people have done amazing work here." "Thank you, sir" "Now, I will need the files for each of the subjects, for review, as well as the main case study for Project Advance and any notes from the previous commander." "Very well sir, will there be anything else?" "One more thing. What ever happened to Corey this morning?" "He was taken to the infirmary."
***
Corey woke up to the beep of the heart monitor attached to his chest. Several bags of fluid were being infused into his blood stream through a needle in his arm, leaving the distinct taste of copper in the back of his throat. He sat up in the bed and rubbed his eyes. The clock by his bed side said he had been asleep for several hours, his stomach told him the same thing. A nurse pulled back the curtain surrounding his room and walked to his bed. "You really should lie back down" she said in the kindest voice Corey had ever heard. Corey complied, pulling the sheet up to his chest. She was a very beautiful girl, only in her mid-twenties. Blond hair and blue eyes, slim figured with lily white skin, Corey felt strange around her, a sort of fluttering in his stomach. "Would you like something to eat?" her angelic voice brought a smile to his face. "Yes, please, I'm starving." She returned a few minutes later with a bowl of broth and some crackers. As she laid the food on his bed tray, Dr. Logan walked through the curtain. "Corey, my boy, you gave me quite a scare." "Sorry about that. What happened anyways?" "You fainted. My guess would be that you pushed yourself too far. I should know more though once I get the results of the CT scan. Well, needless to say, you are excused from your training today. I want you to go back to your room and rest for a while until I figure out what's going on." "Yes sir". Corey rolled out of bed and put his tattered black training suit back on. He felt the Doctor studying as he pushed open the door leading to the housing corridor. The hallway was deserted, everyone was training or in class. After walking for a few moments, Corey arrived at his room, and opened the door. The small living area and kitchenette flowed together undivided, with only a few sticks of furniture to distinguish between the two. A two cushion couch, a chess set, a book case full of literature, and a small dining table were the only decoration in the room. His room was small as well, only enough space to fit his bed, a dresser, and a desk for his studies. The walk-in closet always seemed useless to Corey, as he only had three of the same baggy outfits, all of which he stored in his dresser. One black suit for training, a blue suit for casual wear, and a white suit for the occasional formal dinner. Corey changed into the blue suit and walked to the bookcase and grabbed a copy of "A Tale of Two Cities" from the top shelf. He flipped to the dog-eared page halfway through the book and sat on the couch. He only got two pages before he heard a knock on his door. He marked his page, closed the book and sat it on the couch. When he opened the door, Aaron let himself in and like always, walked to the refrigerator. Aaron was Corey's best friend in the whole world. He was a skinny, mouse-faced boy with sandy hair, who, like all of the subjects here, had his number, "28", tattooed on the back of his neck. He was a week older than Corey, which he constantly reminded him of with comments like "respect your elder’s boy!", but the two were inseparable. Aaron was clairvoyant, the ability to see future events, something Corey sometimes wished he had, he was also slightly telepathic. "How you feeling?" Aaron said, pulling and apple from the fridge. "Ok I guess. Why aren't you in class?" "The Doc said I should come keep you company." "I see. So what have you been up to? I haven't seen you in a few days." "Not much, they have me guessing at results from a random number generator now. I won't be surprised if one of the doctors asks me to pick his lottery numbers soon." "Have you gotten any of them wrong yet?" "One." "Out of how many?" "A thousand" "Wow, that's crazy" "Yeah, it's still a little weird to me too and I've been doing it my whole life!" The two boys walked over to the couch and sat down. Aaron held up the book and rolled his eyes at Corey. "It's actually really good, though it is a bit long and confusing" "I'll take your word for it" "Well, I had a test this morning." "Really what happened?" "This and that, but I fainted at the end, which is why I'm here" "Why did you faint? "The Doc says I pushed myself too far, but I'm not sure. It was the strangest sensation; it felt like someone dropped a brick on my chest. Then the next thing I know, I'm lying in the infirmary." "That's weird." "Tell me about it." "So what do you want to do?" "Let's go get some fresh air." The boys got up and walked through the door and into the hallway. Turning right, they walked into the center of the institute, towards the atrium. As they walked, a few of the classroom doors opened and the students flooded into the hallway. Many of them returned to their room, arms full of homework with sour looks on their faces, the others walked towards the atrium intent on enjoying the few remaining hours of daylight. Corey and Aaron stepped through the open double doors and into the blinding sunlight. The atrium was a large courtyard, located in the center of the complex. A small pavilion stood in the center of the grass, with ten picnic tables scattered randomly in all directions around it. The students slowly made their way across the crisp green grass and sat at the tables in groups according to their age. Corey took a deep, refreshing breath and exhaled slowly. "I needed this; my room was starting to get stuffy." Corey said, stretching his arms across his chest. "Yeah, I know what you mean. Oh great, don't look now, but guess who's coming our way." Corey turned around as the double doors swung open and Shawn stepped out onto the grass. He was much bigger than the two boys, with greasy black hair and a permanent confused look in his glossy green eyes. The stubble on his face showed he hadn't shaved in a day or so, which was mandatory for all of the older students, and wrapped all the way around to a large number "14" tattooed on the back of his neck. "Hello Sharon and Dorky! What are you two doing standing on my grass?" "Sharon and Dorky? Is that it? And I thought having five extra years to learn insults would help." Aaron said in a condescending tone. "Don't get cocky twerp, or you might regret it." "What are you going to do Shawn? You know I won't let you touch him." Corey said cocking his head to one side. "I can take care of myself, but thanks." "Well how about I just pound you both?" "Well how about I open a hole in the ground and make you disappear forever?" Corey asked, twirling a patch of grass in a circle next to the bullies oversized feet. "Whatever, you two aren't worth my time." Shawn walked away, heading for a group of ten year old sitting on the far side of the courtyard, intent on pushing someone around today. "What a jerk." Aaron said, squinting against the sunlight. "Yeah, but he's harmless." "Only because you could totally demolish him! Otherwise I'm pretty sure he'd happily spend hours making us eat dirt or giving us wedgies until we couldn't sit down." "True. Someone has to put him in his place, that's for sure." "Alright man, I guess I'll talk to you tomorrow. See you in class." "What are you leaving?" "No, but you are." Once again, Corey turned to the doors just in time to see a scrawny, red-headed intern poke his head out. "Number twenty-nine!" He yelled hoping to someone in the crowd of people would respond. "That's me." "The General want to see you in his office." The schoolyard chant of, "Ooooohhh" sounded as Corey headed for the door.
dude! this is really good! i think that you should send it in. let me know what the title willbe so that i can buy it. i will support you 100%. hey, whne ur famous, can u autograph a book for me? good luck!
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Created By: FPM
American and Proud.
Quote from Prizm »
Doesn't America have the right to be a bit self-centered? I mean, American culture is THE dominant culture in the world. Every country is hugely affected by America economically, culturally, and politically. Whether or not you think that's a good thing, it would explain why we're self-centered, wouldn't it?
Thanks. I haven't been writing for very long, so the style is still a little sloppy. But I do appreciate the the compliment. I'm not sure what I will name the book, but when I decide, I'll post it on here.
Sorry about the double post, but I really need some more feedback. Not that I don't appreciate EC's kind words, but I was hoping for a critique. I know that the story isn't perfect, and I would like to clean it up before I submit it. So please, anything is welcome.
Okay...
You have an intriguing idea, but the draft needs to be revised. Some examples:
Your sentences at the beginning of the story are a little choppy and declarative. "He did this. Then he did that. Then this happened. He responded with this." That's a little hard to read, and I reccomend changing it to something like: "He did this, and then that. Afterward, this happened, and he blank". Make it flow.
Pet peeve: DON'T CHANGE TENSES SUDDENLY! Take this for example:
AThe Doctor began to hook up the fourteen monitors designed to analyze his brain waves and the energy fluctuations in his body. He told Corey once that this will help them to understand why he can do what he can, and teach him to control and strengthen his power.
Passive present (imperfect) tense, then perfect past, then perfect past, then future participle, and present. Don't do that! Stay in one tense! It also needs a read through by both you and a different pair of eyes to eliminate some typos. Also, eliminate some of the extraneous details that distract from the plot--that's overwriting, which editors hate. You have an interesting idea, which if fleshed out, could work. Keep at it! And lastly, comment on my story! The link's in the sig. Unfortunately, chapter one is missing right now, but that will be back up soon.
Thank you! I will try to revise and put everthing in the right tense. As for the "overwriting", I have always enjoyed stories with alot of detail.
The sentences at the beginning, I know what you mean. I haven't been writing very long, and I was still pretty uncomfortable about how the story should feel. The later chapters in the book flow better, at least I think so anyways. Of course, it will all be professionally editted before print, but I'm trying to eliminate most of the faults before then.
So, on a lighter note, what did you think? Not about the error in the writing, but the story line itself. Does it leave you wanting to know more, or the type of book you read a chapter or two and set it down, never to be glanced at again? How about the charaters? Were their personalities noticably different? The first couple of short stories I wrote, I had a bad problem with making most of the characters the same. I've tried to correct that. Did you see everything clearly in your "mind's eye"?
Thank you! I will try to revise and put everthing in the right tense. As for the "overwriting", I have always enjoyed stories with alot of detail.
The sentences at the beginning, I know what you mean. I haven't been writing very long, and I was still pretty uncomfortable about how the story should feel. The later chapters in the book flow better, at least I think so anyways. Of course, it will all be professionally editted before print, but I'm trying to eliminate most of the faults before then.
So, on a lighter note, what did you think? Not about the error in the writing, but the story line itself. Does it leave you wanting to know more, or the type of book you read a chapter or two and set it down, never to be glanced at again? How about the charaters? Were their personalities noticably different? The first couple of short stories I wrote, I had a bad problem with making most of the characters the same. I've tried to correct that. Did you see everything clearly in your "mind's eye"?
Now I'm off to read yours.
The contrast between the Doctor and the main character is very good. I reallllly want the doctor to be like really evil and then be killed. I'd like to see what happens next, if it can be clear. The words are descriptive, so I could pretty much imagine things, although I was a little confused by the setting of Ch. 1's test.
I read it. Liked it. The "Danger Room" sequence was particularly nice (prepare for the inevitable comparisons to the X-Men). In the spirit of construstive criticism, however, here are some things to consider:
Is there a reason for opening your story with a Dream sequence? Will it have some special significance later on in the story? The reason I ask is that, ideally, you want your reader to be gripped from the very first words, but I'm not. If you must open with a Dream sequence, you might even consider cutting the first three sentences completely and just starting with "Corey looked at the ground beside him...." which would be more dramatic.
In general, too much exposition. Lots of people telling other people what is going on. This makes some of the dialogue very forced. I mean, Corey and Aaron have been friends from birth, but Corey is still amazed at his friend's telepathic abilities? Why would he even think to himself that Aaron was clairvoyant when he saw him? That's just you as the author wanting to tell us, the reader, about this kid's abilities in an artificial way.
Also might want to consider who's perspective you are telling this story from. Most of this is Corey's perspective, but you jump around to the Doctor and the General as well. You can do multiple viewpoints, but you should be clear in your own mind who are the people conveying the story and keep it to one at a time. The foreshadowing involving "Shawn" was awkward and somewhat obvious. You are trying to hard and too fast to paint him as this thug. I mean, not shaving? Come on.
I'm not sure that this is a Novel yet. The hurried rush of information you give in these first two chapters suggests a shorter story. But, as I said, I liked it overall, and I'd keep reading.
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Ambush Krotiq makes me laugh so much. I keep rereading the card and it keeps not having Flash. In what sense is this an ambush again? I just have visions of this huge Krotiq poorly concealed in some bushes, feeling slightly sad that his carefully planned ambushes never seem to work.
Thanks for the comments. The dream is very important later on in the story, so that has to stay. As far a Shawn, he doesn't show up as much as you would think. He does have a small role later on, but only slightly.
As far as the dialog, I'm sure how to write it other than the way I did. There is alot of info in these first two chapters, but most of it is back story and character intro. Trust me, I have more than enough storyline written out to make a 300 page novel. I have another two chapter that I'll put on here for you guys to read, but after that I'll probably wait until it goes to publishing. I guess I got lucky, since my friend steve runs his dad's publishing company. It's just a small publisher, but they sell on amazon and barnes & noble. I only have to pay $500 rather than the regular $4000 they normally charge.
Thanks for the comments. The dream is very important later on in the story, so that has to stay. As far a Shawn, he doesn't show up as much as you would think. He does have a small role later on, but only slightly.
As far as the dialog, I'm sure how to write it other than the way I did. There is alot of info in these first two chapters, but most of it is back story and character intro. Trust me, I have more than enough storyline written out to make a 300 page novel. I have another two chapter that I'll put on here for you guys to read, but after that I'll probably wait until it goes to publishing. I guess I got lucky, since my friend steve runs his dad's publishing company. It's just a small publisher, but they sell on amazon and barnes & noble. I only have to pay $500 rather than the regular $4000 they normally charge.
You pay them? Eh....I don't know about that. I'd be wary of publishers that you pay to publish you.
You pay them? Eh....I don't know about that. I'd be wary of publishers that you pay to publish you.
Well, it works like this. Normally, the fee is $4000, this goes to help edit, print, advertise, market, and distribute the book. If the book does well (sells 5000 copies), I get all that money back, plus all the royalties (15%) from each book sold. If it does do well, then the next book I write, I don't pay anything. Think of it like and author's investment. People care more about something when they have money on the line. I mean, they could just pay for ever book they publish, but that would cost an huge amount of money, and it the book tanked, their company would have to pick up the tab, and that's bad for business. This is actually quite a deal. Most places only give around 10% royalties, plus, he's my friend, and wouldn't rip me off. Besides, I have yet to meet a publisher that didn't charge anything.
The sunshine warmed Corey's skin as he stood in the open valley. A calm wind blew the knee-high grass, turning it into a golden sea rolling in and out of the hillside. The air was warm and sweet, with a scent he couldn't quite describe. He looked over at the ground beside him and saw a body laying face down in the flowing grass. Off in the distance, Corey could hear trees being snapped and broken, crushed under the weight of some giant monstrosity. A large, camouflaged tank broke through the tree line, bending trees to the ground as if they were made of rubber. Corey focused hard, trying to stop its approach, only to find he was helpless. The ground shook under his feet as a hundred and twenty millimeter bullet was fire from the main turret gun atop the rolling fortress. He watched in horror as it sliced through the air in slow-motion, marking him for death in less than a second. As the bullet smashed into his chest, Corey sat up in bed, breathing hard, body tingling from adrenaline.
This was the third time this week he had that dream. Always ending the same, always unable to defend himself. He took a drink of water and pulled himself out of bed. Looking at the clock, he had about twenty minutes until the Doctor showed up and he wanted to be good and stretched out by then. It was Friday, a training day, which always ended in sore muscles and restless sleep. Eight hours of grueling exercise lay ahead of him and he still hadn't even eaten breakfast yet. After a few minutes of warm-ups, Corey sat at the table and began to eat his eggs. They never quite got them cooked enough for his taste, but at least the bacon was good. Right about the time he finished his glass of orange juice, Dr. Logan walked through the door. He was a very distinguished looking man, very refined and proper. He was wearing the same attire as always, brown slacks, a blue button up shirt, and a white lab coat. He was tall, with salt and pepper hair and beard and thin lines creasing the corners of his crisp blue eyes. The Doctor had always been sort of a father figure to Corey, and he respected him very much.
"Good morning, Corey!" the Doctor said with a smile.
"Isn't it a little early for that kind of enthusiasm?"
"Early bird, my boy, early bird."
"Right. So what's on the menu for today?"
"The usual, with a twist."
"What kind of twist?"
"As I'm sure you've heard, Colonel Sharp will be leaving us today and the new man in charge will be there for your test this morning, Major General Conners, so I'm told. We want to make a good impression, so expect to go hard today."
"Wonderful. Oh well, you guys have been going easy on me lately anyways."
"That's the spirit! Now get changed so we can go, we need to be there in ten minutes."
Corey stood up from the table and walked to his room, pulled out the familiar black training suit, and began to get dressed.
"I was rather impressed with your performance the other day. You far exceeded my expectations", Dr. Logan yelled from the other room.
"I try." Corey replied half-hearted, and buttoning the final button on his pants. Searching under the bed, Corey found his shoes and slipped them on.
"Ok Doc, ready to go."
"Good, but before we go, I want to talk to you."
"About what?"
"Your grades. The teachers have been telling me that you have let them slip lately. Any reason why?"
"Distracted I guess."
"At what?"
"Training. I have been practicing so much, but I'm starting to wonder why. What is all this for? Why am I even like this at all?"
"All in due time my boy, but your grades are very important. A sharp mind is just as important as a strong body, you know that. I expect to hear better by this time next week, understand?"
"Yes sir."
"Good, then let’s get a move on."
Dr. Logan opened the door and led Corey down the housing corridor, towards the training room. The hallway was long, built with fifty rooms, just like his. Corey watched as a few of his peers were led from there rooms and taken to their respective training areas, while a lady pushing a cart, picked up the breakfast trays. They turned down a hallway and the Doctor used his card to open a set of double doors marked "AUTHORIZED PERSONNEL ONLY" in bright red letters. They went down another long hallway, to a door that led into a separate building. The Doctor once again swiped his card, and Corey saw the familiar training room he had used since he was five years old. It was a huge, stadium sized room with a glass roof to let in the sunlight. For his test, various types of terrain had been placed inside the room: boulders, a pond and a small patch of forest, all held in this steel lined coliseum. On the right wall, there was a door that led to the control room which looked over the area through a large two-way mirror. No doubt the General and half the staff would be there watching him. There was also a set of large steel doors on the opposite end of the room, with a red light and siren that activated every time the doors were opened. The Doctor placed Corey in the center of the room and turned to face him.
"Alright Corey, I'll be in the control room, monitoring your vital signs, and overseeing the exercise. If for any reason it ever....."
"Becomes too much, scream stop. I know."
"Ok, come here and let me hook up the monitors."
The Doctor began to hook up the fourteen monitors designed to analyze his brain waves and the energy fluctuations in his body. He told Corey once that this will help them to understand why he can do what he can, and teach him to control and strengthen his power.
"That should do it."
"Thanks Doc"
As the Doctor walked away, Corey scanned his surroundings, wondering what was to come. Considering what he did to those trees last time he was here, he was rather surprise to find them all there. They might make good cover, or possibly a good projectile. He resumed his stretches from earlier and tried to focus.
As the Doctor entered the control room, he was greeted by Major General Conner. He was a broad shouldered man, slightly shorter than the Doctor. He had very obviously served in a few wars, as he walked with a slight limp and had a deep scar across his right cheek.
"Good morning Doctor.” the General spoke in a deep commanding voice.
"Same to you sir. It's good to meet you face to face.” shaking the General's hand, “Have you been properly briefed on our operations at this facility?"
"Not quite. This installation, as you well know, it's extremely top-secret, and no documentation has been allowed leave, so I do expect a full briefing after this little demonstration."
"Absolutely sir."
"So Doctor, what exactly are we watching here?"
"Well General, I think it's better if you just watch for yourself."
Corey stood focused as a loud voice came over the intercom.
"Ok, number twenty-nine, we are ready to begin."
Corey looked at the room, and gave a nod indicating he was ready. The red light flashed over the top of the steel doors as they began to slide open. A slow, creeping fog flowed out of the darkness of the room and into the brightly lit battleground where Corey stood ready. To his surprise, a team of researchers wheeled five large granite pillars into the room. Each one was approximately ten feet tall and three feet wide, sitting on a steel braced cart. The ten researchers secured each stone block to the floor using chains and hooks mounted in a concrete slab several yards from the gigantic doors. Once they were done, they retreated to the safety of the darkened room, as the six inch thick steel doors slid closed.
"Number twenty-nine", the loud voice began again, "Your objective is to destroy the blocks using each of the three land types in the training room. Destroy the fourth using air, and the fifth can be by what ever means you wish. You have ten minutes to complete this task. Do you understand?"
Corey nodded in acknowledgment as he concentrated on the currents of air that surrounded his body. The forest was easy, the wood could easily break the stone if thrown right and the boulders wouldn't pose much of a problem either. The water, however, was a different story. Granite is a fairly dense stone; he would have to think on his feet for that one.
"Are you ready, number twenty-nine?"
Corey opened his eyes and waved at the mirror. He felt the familiar jolt of energy as the monitors turned on and momentarily broke his concentration.
"You have ten minutes. Five...Four...Three...Two...One..."
Corey turned to face the forest, sweeping his arms sideways in order to shift the largest of the trees. It took two attempts, but he managed to uproot the foot thick tree and rotate it to a ninety degree angle. He braced his feet and grabbed every cell of the tree his mind would allow, and then threw it with all his might. Corey spun a full circle and kick his right leg to force a gust of air under the trunk, then followed through with his arms and pushed the tree, sending it speeding toward the first block. As the giant battering ram collided with the stone, Corey sent another tree in the same fashion, then another and another. A huge cloud of dust and broken rubble was all that was left as Corey turned toward the boulders more than twenty feet away. He threw is left arm in the air lifting the boulder off the ground and punched with his right, sending the car-sized rock racing towards the second pillar. The much softer sandstone crumpled, leaving the pillar completely unharmed.
"Seven minutes left...” boomed from the control room.
Corey lifted another rock and probed deep inside. The grains of the sandstone were loose and had space to move. The granite was easily three times as dense and the only way this would work is if he condensed the rock. Corey raced against the clock trying to rearrange the particles of the stone to fit. Once they were aligned properly; he squeezed, and fused the particles together to form a smaller, denser, solid stone. Although it was a lot stronger now, the rock was still far too soft to break the granite with a head on shot. Corey held fast to every molecule of the rock and began to spin. The once plain stone became a fast-moving, deadly projectile, revolving ever faster around the inside of this grand coliseum. Once it had reached the height of its acceleration, Corey released his weapon and threw it directly at the second pillar. The rock smashed through the granite, sending shrapnel in every direction. Wasting no time, Corey turned to the pond, and pulled a long ribbon of water into the air. Crushing the molecules together, he turned the liquid into an icy solid and hurled it at the third pillar. The ice shattered against the stone like glass under a hammer, not even a blemish was left on the smooth surface of the cold stone.
"Four minutes....” Corey heard from the loud speaker overhead.
Three pillars left and almost out of time. Corey studied the pillar for a few seconds, feeling its structure and searching for flaws. There is was, a crack in the left side of the stone caused from the flying debris from the second pillar. Corey once again pulled a stream of water from the pond and flooded the crack with as much as it would hold. He could feel the water seeping deep into the cracks of the rock and once it was full he froze it. As the ice expanded inside the stone, the crack grew and split the pillar even farther. Corey quickly melted the ice, and pushed even more water into the expanding crevice. With one more freeze, the rock split and fell apart. Corey faced the fourth pillar, and momentarily wasn't sure what to do.
"Two minutes....” the voice sounded anxious.
Corey felt for and broke the links of the large chain used to secure the blocks to the concrete. Large industrial fans, located on the ceiling, kept the air circulating around the room. This was useful, as he would need a fast moving supply of air to draw from. Corey twisted a stream of air around his body, and blasted the top of the column until it started to tip over. After a few seconds, the pillar fell and shattered on the floor. Just to be sure this met requirements; he used the stream to send the pieces high into the air and slammed them onto the concrete slab where the pillar once stood.
"You have one minute left, number twenty-nine” the voice said.
One minute was plenty of time; Corey had already started the destruction of the last pillar. Before the researcher in the control room had even finished his sentence, Corey began to break apart the bonds holding the stones very molecules together. The great pillar shrank, dissolving into a pile of dust as Corey walked back to the center of the room.
"Great job Corey!” the Doctor exclaimed over the loud speaker. Corey stood waiting for the Doctor when he felt the electrical buzz from the monitors stop. Looking around, he realized how much destruction he had caused in ten minutes. The landscape was ruined; pieces of rubble and up heaved earth lay strung across the entire length of the room. The pond was now a giant hole with mud splattered twenty feet in every direction. A massive cloud of dust hung motionless the air, dimming the sunshine that poured through the skylights.
Doctor Logan emerged from the control room door and started in his direction.
"Great job my boy!" he said, boasting a smile.
"Thanks Doc, I try"
As the words left Corey's lips, his knees buckled. He fell to the ground and slipped into unconsciousness.
Dr. Logan walked down the hallway of the main research building. The walls were lined with doors and windows, each peering into laboratories where random doctors and interns scrambled around the room. The Doctor stopped at door marked "Dr. Steven Logan, Head of Research" and swiped his card to open the door. The room was large and well organized. A wooden desk sat in the center of the room, stacked with papers and folders filed with notes. The left wall was completely filled by a book case, containing hundreds of volumes, alphabetized for easy access. Ten, five drawer filing cabinets sat against the right wall of the room, each drawer labeled with a number one through fifty. The Doctor went to the sixth cabinet and opened the drawer labeled "29", pulled a file from it, and slid it shut. As he exited the room, he switched off the lights, and pulled the door shut with a small click as the lock fell into place. He continued up the main hallway and turned left down a small corridor. The General's door was open; the Doctor knocked three times and stepped across the threshold.
The General's office was larger than his own. Boxes of personal belongings were stacked in the corner on top of a small end table. The General sat at the large wooden desk placed in the corner of the room.
"Dr. Logan, please have a seat"
The Doctor pulled one of the decorative leather chairs up to the desk and sat down.
"Here is the file you requested sir. Now, I'm sure you have many questions, but if you will allow, I would rather just start from the beginning." the Doctor said in a respectful tone.
"Please Do."
"Right, well, this facility was built thirty-two years ago to use as a testing ground for "Project Advance". Our mission was to genetically modify humans with the intent to "force" a step in evolution. We were authorized to grow fifty subjects for the study, five years apart, in sets of ten. In order to keep it a controlled experiment, all of the subjects had to be male, to prevent any breeding. We used genetically enhanced DNA and injected them into blanks, or eggs that have had the maternal DNA removed. The subjects were then grown in our laboratories until thirty-eight weeks of gestation. At which point, we place extra stem cells in the brain between the frontal lobe and the sensory cortex then used a specialized computer to send electrical pulses into those cells causing a "bridge" of nerve tissue to form. The process itself is very slow, taking about a week. As a result, we space the birthing times apart by a week. So, two children at a time, for five weeks. Once the two sections of the brain have been fused, the result is a sort of extrasensory perception."
"So this facility houses fifty subjects with abilities like I saw today?"
"No. Number twenty-nine is a special case. Corey isn't like the others. They were all born with abilities, telepathy, telekinesis, clairvoyance, etc., but Corey does something we haven't been able to classify, something much more powerful. He has the ability so manipulate any form of matter, even air, on a molecular level. You see, fifteen years ago, when we connected him and number thirty to the computer, a large power surge fried most of the electrical equipment four days into the process. Number thirty died the next day, but Corey managed to survive. Somehow, his brain completed the process without any assistance, something we have tried, but never been able to reproduce. The result was what you saw yesterday."
"I see. Is there anything the boy can't control?
"He has trouble with human cells; he says there's too much "noise". We don't quite understand how his power works, but I can say this, in all of our subjects, their power has continued to grow until the age of twenty-five. Corey is only fifteen years old, which means once his power matures; there is no telling what he will be able to do."
"The reason I ask, is how do we stop him if he becomes a threat? You don't know how powerful he will become and if he decides to turn against us, what do we do?"
"You must realize sir; Corey is a well educated young man. He has been taught all about history, math, philosophy; he speaks three languages, and has master two forms of martial arts. With his abilities we focused more on natural sciences of course, biology, chemistry, anatomy, geology, etc. What I'm trying to say sir, is he is a level headed kid. Unlike someone who would be granted this power, Corey doesn't abuse it. He was raised to learn control. He knows he is special compared to the rest of the world and even the rest of the subjects, but he has strong morals and tries to do right. However, according to protocol, a fail-safe was implemented. Along with the stem cells, a small titanium receiver was implanted into the "bridge" of cells. If for any reason he ever escaped, or worse, turned, we could activate it, and use it to track him down. If all else fails, it seconds as an explosive, which would be powerful enough to kill him. All of the subject have one, each working on a different frequency; it's noted in all their files."
"Well, I hope it never comes to that. To tell you the truth, I wasn't sure what to think about what I saw this morning. You and your people have done amazing work here."
"Thank you, sir"
"Now, I will need the files for each of the subjects, for review, as well as the main case study for Project Advance and any notes from the previous commander."
"Very well sir, will there be anything else?"
"One more thing. What ever happened to Corey this morning?"
"He was taken to the infirmary."
Corey woke up to the beep of the heart monitor attached to his chest. Several bags of fluid were being infused into his blood stream through a needle in his arm, leaving the distinct taste of copper in the back of his throat. He sat up in the bed and rubbed his eyes. The clock by his bed side said he had been asleep for several hours, his stomach told him the same thing. A nurse pulled back the curtain surrounding his room and walked to his bed.
"You really should lie back down" she said in the kindest voice Corey had ever heard.
Corey complied, pulling the sheet up to his chest. She was a very beautiful girl, only in her mid-twenties. Blond hair and blue eyes, slim figured with lily white skin, Corey felt strange around her, a sort of fluttering in his stomach.
"Would you like something to eat?" her angelic voice brought a smile to his face.
"Yes, please, I'm starving."
She returned a few minutes later with a bowl of broth and some crackers. As she laid the food on his bed tray, Dr. Logan walked through the curtain.
"Corey, my boy, you gave me quite a scare."
"Sorry about that. What happened anyways?"
"You fainted. My guess would be that you pushed yourself too far. I should know more though once I get the results of the CT scan. Well, needless to say, you are excused from your training today. I want you to go back to your room and rest for a while until I figure out what's going on."
"Yes sir". Corey rolled out of bed and put his tattered black training suit back on. He felt the Doctor studying as he pushed open the door leading to the housing corridor. The hallway was deserted, everyone was training or in class. After walking for a few moments, Corey arrived at his room, and opened the door. The small living area and kitchenette flowed together undivided, with only a few sticks of furniture to distinguish between the two. A two cushion couch, a chess set, a book case full of literature, and a small dining table were the only decoration in the room. His room was small as well, only enough space to fit his bed, a dresser, and a desk for his studies. The walk-in closet always seemed useless to Corey, as he only had three of the same baggy outfits, all of which he stored in his dresser. One black suit for training, a blue suit for casual wear, and a white suit for the occasional formal dinner.
Corey changed into the blue suit and walked to the bookcase and grabbed a copy of "A Tale of Two Cities" from the top shelf. He flipped to the dog-eared page halfway through the book and sat on the couch. He only got two pages before he heard a knock on his door. He marked his page, closed the book and sat it on the couch. When he opened the door, Aaron let himself in and like always, walked to the refrigerator. Aaron was Corey's best friend in the whole world. He was a skinny, mouse-faced boy with sandy hair, who, like all of the subjects here, had his number, "28", tattooed on the back of his neck. He was a week older than Corey, which he constantly reminded him of with comments like "respect your elder’s boy!", but the two were inseparable. Aaron was clairvoyant, the ability to see future events, something Corey sometimes wished he had, he was also slightly telepathic.
"How you feeling?" Aaron said, pulling and apple from the fridge.
"Ok I guess. Why aren't you in class?"
"The Doc said I should come keep you company."
"I see. So what have you been up to? I haven't seen you in a few days."
"Not much, they have me guessing at results from a random number generator now. I won't be surprised if one of the doctors asks me to pick his lottery numbers soon."
"Have you gotten any of them wrong yet?"
"One."
"Out of how many?"
"A thousand"
"Wow, that's crazy"
"Yeah, it's still a little weird to me too and I've been doing it my whole life!"
The two boys walked over to the couch and sat down. Aaron held up the book and rolled his eyes at Corey.
"It's actually really good, though it is a bit long and confusing"
"I'll take your word for it"
"Well, I had a test this morning."
"Really what happened?"
"This and that, but I fainted at the end, which is why I'm here"
"Why did you faint?
"The Doc says I pushed myself too far, but I'm not sure. It was the strangest sensation; it felt like someone dropped a brick on my chest. Then the next thing I know, I'm lying in the infirmary."
"That's weird."
"Tell me about it."
"So what do you want to do?"
"Let's go get some fresh air."
The boys got up and walked through the door and into the hallway. Turning right, they walked into the center of the institute, towards the atrium.
As they walked, a few of the classroom doors opened and the students flooded into the hallway. Many of them returned to their room, arms full of homework with sour looks on their faces, the others walked towards the atrium intent on enjoying the few remaining hours of daylight. Corey and Aaron stepped through the open double doors and into the blinding sunlight.
The atrium was a large courtyard, located in the center of the complex. A small pavilion stood in the center of the grass, with ten picnic tables scattered randomly in all directions around it. The students slowly made their way across the crisp green grass and sat at the tables in groups according to their age.
Corey took a deep, refreshing breath and exhaled slowly.
"I needed this; my room was starting to get stuffy." Corey said, stretching his arms across his chest.
"Yeah, I know what you mean. Oh great, don't look now, but guess who's coming our way."
Corey turned around as the double doors swung open and Shawn stepped out onto the grass. He was much bigger than the two boys, with greasy black hair and a permanent confused look in his glossy green eyes. The stubble on his face showed he hadn't shaved in a day or so, which was mandatory for all of the older students, and wrapped all the way around to a large number "14" tattooed on the back of his neck.
"Hello Sharon and Dorky! What are you two doing standing on my grass?"
"Sharon and Dorky? Is that it? And I thought having five extra years to learn insults would help." Aaron said in a condescending tone.
"Don't get cocky twerp, or you might regret it."
"What are you going to do Shawn? You know I won't let you touch him." Corey said cocking his head to one side.
"I can take care of myself, but thanks."
"Well how about I just pound you both?"
"Well how about I open a hole in the ground and make you disappear forever?" Corey asked, twirling a patch of grass in a circle next to the bullies oversized feet.
"Whatever, you two aren't worth my time."
Shawn walked away, heading for a group of ten year old sitting on the far side of the courtyard, intent on pushing someone around today.
"What a jerk." Aaron said, squinting against the sunlight.
"Yeah, but he's harmless."
"Only because you could totally demolish him! Otherwise I'm pretty sure he'd happily spend hours making us eat dirt or giving us wedgies until we couldn't sit down."
"True. Someone has to put him in his place, that's for sure."
"Alright man, I guess I'll talk to you tomorrow. See you in class."
"What are you leaving?"
"No, but you are."
Once again, Corey turned to the doors just in time to see a scrawny, red-headed intern poke his head out.
"Number twenty-nine!" He yelled hoping to someone in the crowd of people would respond.
"That's me."
"The General want to see you in his office."
The schoolyard chant of, "Ooooohhh" sounded as Corey headed for the door.
Created By: FPM
American and Proud.
Rock|on.|Sad|but|true.
You have an intriguing idea, but the draft needs to be revised. Some examples:
Your sentences at the beginning of the story are a little choppy and declarative. "He did this. Then he did that. Then this happened. He responded with this." That's a little hard to read, and I reccomend changing it to something like: "He did this, and then that. Afterward, this happened, and he blank". Make it flow.
Pet peeve: DON'T CHANGE TENSES SUDDENLY! Take this for example:
Passive present (imperfect) tense, then perfect past, then perfect past, then future participle, and present. Don't do that! Stay in one tense!
It also needs a read through by both you and a different pair of eyes to eliminate some typos. Also, eliminate some of the extraneous details that distract from the plot--that's overwriting, which editors hate.
You have an interesting idea, which if fleshed out, could work. Keep at it!
And lastly, comment on my story! The link's in the sig. Unfortunately, chapter one is missing right now, but that will be back up soon.
Trade Thread
The sentences at the beginning, I know what you mean. I haven't been writing very long, and I was still pretty uncomfortable about how the story should feel. The later chapters in the book flow better, at least I think so anyways. Of course, it will all be professionally editted before print, but I'm trying to eliminate most of the faults before then.
So, on a lighter note, what did you think? Not about the error in the writing, but the story line itself. Does it leave you wanting to know more, or the type of book you read a chapter or two and set it down, never to be glanced at again? How about the charaters? Were their personalities noticably different? The first couple of short stories I wrote, I had a bad problem with making most of the characters the same. I've tried to correct that. Did you see everything clearly in your "mind's eye"?
Now I'm off to read yours.
The contrast between the Doctor and the main character is very good. I reallllly want the doctor to be like really evil and then be killed. I'd like to see what happens next, if it can be clear. The words are descriptive, so I could pretty much imagine things, although I was a little confused by the setting of Ch. 1's test.
Trade Thread
Is there a reason for opening your story with a Dream sequence? Will it have some special significance later on in the story? The reason I ask is that, ideally, you want your reader to be gripped from the very first words, but I'm not. If you must open with a Dream sequence, you might even consider cutting the first three sentences completely and just starting with "Corey looked at the ground beside him...." which would be more dramatic.
In general, too much exposition. Lots of people telling other people what is going on. This makes some of the dialogue very forced. I mean, Corey and Aaron have been friends from birth, but Corey is still amazed at his friend's telepathic abilities? Why would he even think to himself that Aaron was clairvoyant when he saw him? That's just you as the author wanting to tell us, the reader, about this kid's abilities in an artificial way.
Also might want to consider who's perspective you are telling this story from. Most of this is Corey's perspective, but you jump around to the Doctor and the General as well. You can do multiple viewpoints, but you should be clear in your own mind who are the people conveying the story and keep it to one at a time. The foreshadowing involving "Shawn" was awkward and somewhat obvious. You are trying to hard and too fast to paint him as this thug. I mean, not shaving? Come on.
I'm not sure that this is a Novel yet. The hurried rush of information you give in these first two chapters suggests a shorter story. But, as I said, I liked it overall, and I'd keep reading.
As far as the dialog, I'm sure how to write it other than the way I did. There is alot of info in these first two chapters, but most of it is back story and character intro. Trust me, I have more than enough storyline written out to make a 300 page novel. I have another two chapter that I'll put on here for you guys to read, but after that I'll probably wait until it goes to publishing. I guess I got lucky, since my friend steve runs his dad's publishing company. It's just a small publisher, but they sell on amazon and barnes & noble. I only have to pay $500 rather than the regular $4000 they normally charge.
You pay them? Eh....I don't know about that. I'd be wary of publishers that you pay to publish you.
Trade Thread
Well, it works like this. Normally, the fee is $4000, this goes to help edit, print, advertise, market, and distribute the book. If the book does well (sells 5000 copies), I get all that money back, plus all the royalties (15%) from each book sold. If it does do well, then the next book I write, I don't pay anything. Think of it like and author's investment. People care more about something when they have money on the line. I mean, they could just pay for ever book they publish, but that would cost an huge amount of money, and it the book tanked, their company would have to pick up the tab, and that's bad for business. This is actually quite a deal. Most places only give around 10% royalties, plus, he's my friend, and wouldn't rip me off. Besides, I have yet to meet a publisher that didn't charge anything.