I got invited to another random young poet convention, and we're all required to write a poem. I figure that since it's a young poets convention, they're not really looking for anything too sophisticated, just really emo :/ But whatever, I'm thinking of submitting this:
How could that happen?
I ask silently, helplessly.
In a single instant
my reality shatters
with deadly words
that were like bullets
in my desolate heart.
All I can do
is watch her walk away
into the torrential rain,
not even glancing back
to whisper goodbye.
All that remains of
me, are memories
but even those fade
as time stabs me
with hour-hand blades
and minute knives.
My reality fades,
my eyes eclipse
and all I can see
is the infinite pendulum
of balance forsaken.
Comments would be great, even if its to say this sucks (which it does :/...)
Cliche. The only way you might be able to get away with an opening line like this is with some amount of irony. Everyone reading this is starting to guess how it happened, and they are not very surprised.
I ask silently, helplessly.
A very direct explanation of how you react; leaving nothing to the imagination.
In a single instant my reality shatters,
with deadly words that were like bullets,
in my desolate heart.
Breaking up full lines of poetry into half lines is a weak way of hiding bad poetry and try to sound intellegent.
All I can do is watch her walk away
into the torrential rain,
not even glancing back to whisper goodbye.
All that remains of me are memories.
but even those fade as time stabs me
with hour-hand blades and minute knives.
My reality fades, my eyes eclipse
and all I can see is the infinite pendulum of balance forsaken.
Same. I'm not sure what the infinite pendulum of balance is either.
We all have break ups, they are sad and terrible. This does not explain anything at the core of those feelings, it just feels overdramatic. This a poem about someone other than the reader's feelings; they will not care unless you build some amount of pathos for the main character in the poem. He's sad? So what? You have not given the reader any place to build a connection to him.
Either explain something universal in a creative way, or make the reader feel for your character; or both.
Thanks Striking Dragon. You're comments were a huge help, and I wrote a revised version which might be a little better.
The wind drifts through the lifeless streets,
Brushing my hair into tear-streaked eyes.
In a single instant, my reality shattered
fatal words that were silver bullets
shot into my desolate heart.
She walks away into the torrential rain,
not even glancing back to whisper goodbye.
I imagine that now I'd rush to her,
To give a final brush on her silken lips
Or to scream my insanity out in her face.
But I just hobble on precarious legs
until I slump unto the gravel, heart bleeding
A shell which no touch will heal.
Time wounds my scars with every chime
With hour-hand blades and minute knives.
My reality fades, my eyes eclipse,
and I can shed only bloodstained tears,
remembering every bittersweet moment.
Okay, yeah, it's typical, but I must say, the writing is very good. The vocabulary isn't exactly hard to understand (I don't have to look up words) but it's very good. I like how they're placed.
However, it is very....shall I say, it's been done. The topic's covered completely by so many people...originality is honestly needed.
The second one is much better than the first.
How could that happen?
I ask silently, helplessly.
In a single instant
my reality shatters
with deadly words
that were like bullets
in my desolate heart.
All I can do
is watch her walk away
into the torrential rain,
not even glancing back
to whisper goodbye.
All that remains of
me, are memories
but even those fade
as time stabs me
with hour-hand blades
and minute knives.
My reality fades,
my eyes eclipse
and all I can see
is the infinite pendulum
of balance forsaken.
Comments would be great, even if its to say this sucks (which it does :/...)
Cliche. The only way you might be able to get away with an opening line like this is with some amount of irony. Everyone reading this is starting to guess how it happened, and they are not very surprised.
A very direct explanation of how you react; leaving nothing to the imagination.
Breaking up full lines of poetry into half lines is a weak way of hiding bad poetry and try to sound intellegent.
Same. I'm not sure what the infinite pendulum of balance is either.
We all have break ups, they are sad and terrible. This does not explain anything at the core of those feelings, it just feels overdramatic. This a poem about someone other than the reader's feelings; they will not care unless you build some amount of pathos for the main character in the poem. He's sad? So what? You have not given the reader any place to build a connection to him.
Either explain something universal in a creative way, or make the reader feel for your character; or both.
The wind drifts through the lifeless streets,
Brushing my hair into tear-streaked eyes.
In a single instant, my reality shattered
fatal words that were silver bullets
shot into my desolate heart.
She walks away into the torrential rain,
not even glancing back to whisper goodbye.
I imagine that now I'd rush to her,
To give a final brush on her silken lips
Or to scream my insanity out in her face.
But I just hobble on precarious legs
until I slump unto the gravel, heart bleeding
A shell which no touch will heal.
Time wounds my scars with every chime
With hour-hand blades and minute knives.
My reality fades, my eyes eclipse,
and I can shed only bloodstained tears,
remembering every bittersweet moment.
However, it is very....shall I say, it's been done. The topic's covered completely by so many people...originality is honestly needed.
The second one is much better than the first.