“Is it wise to allow Jehanne to leave our sight even for a moment?”
Bertrand had been admiring the boundless sea of stars when his companion broke the long silence. Even though he was a man in his mid thirties, under the magnificent maw of the Heavens he felt like a rapt child. In the presence of la Pucelle, he felt the same. “She is quite willful, and if it is her will to convene with the Saints privately, then we have little say in the matter.” His hand resting on the hilt of his sword, he and his companion Jean waited outside of the chapel of Saint Catherine of Fierbois.
Though years younger than his fellow soldier, Jean questioned Bertrand’s wisdom in the matter. “And if she is kidnapped?”
“The Lord will protect me. Come what may.” Bertrand repeated the words Jehanne had given to him when he voiced his concerns of allowing her to part from her protectors. By now word of her divinely directed journey to crown Charles VII had reached the ears of many who would seek to gain from ransoming her. In such troubled times, there were even those so base that they would abduct a messenger of God inside His house.
The soothing night air of early spring and the clear skies suffused the small town of Fierbois in serenity, despite the times. It seemed to Bertrand that an inexplicable blanket of serenity followed Jehanne wherever she went, and not even Jean could not deny how miraculous it had been for them to travel so many miles from Vaucouleurs on their journey to Chinon without having encountered the English or any of the other enemies of Charles VII.
“And do you believe it is so?” Jean glanced over at his companion, careful not to reveal too much of his skepticism.
“Come what may? It has always been so.”
Jean smiled at his friend’s facetious remark, despite the gravity of the topic. “Then you do believe that the Lord sides with her?”
Surveying the stone road by Saint Catherine’s church and the few nonthreatening figures passing his sight, Bertrand’s ever vigilant eyes revealed this much of his beliefs: God does not aid the remiss. “I believe that Charles should send his word with more haste.”
~
He drifted as if part of the wind, barely noticeable to all but a few in the streets of Fierbois, and yet he exuded an impossibly regal presence from his otherwise unremarkable façade of a plain brown robe covering him from head to toe. He held in his hands a long flat something wrapped in white cloth, handling it with such tenderness.
In the great shadow of the church of Saint Catherine, the traveler halted. His eyes like sapphires glimmering in the sky, they showed admiration for what human’s would do for their faith. Even modest houses of worship felt splendid to him.
The church doors opening swiftly at his slightest touch, he entered into the candlelit chamber. On the dais at the opposite end of the chamber, the priest of the church was snuffing candles. He looked up at the newcomer and smiled earnestly, halting his duties. “Welcome, stranger, to this humble house of God.” He placed the snuffer over a nearby pedestal, his eyes lighting with joy as he saw that the stranger had an offering. “You wish to give patronage at this late hour of the night?”
“I do hope that it is not too late for such deeds.” His voice was warm and gentle like a summer breeze embracing a child.
“No, my child, it is never too late for patronage.”
~
“Jehanne?” Though soft-spoken, the voice echoed around the young woman in the otherwise empty chamber.
Only because she recognized the voice did she respond. With both the clothes and the haircut of a man, her disguise made her indistinguishable to her enemies, and she had wisdom enough to know that revealing herself before reaching Chinon could prove disastrous. Her head lowered as she kneeled in silence on a pile of straw, the young woman seemed worlds away. After a moment more, she turned to the entrance of the church where her two protectors stood, and replied, “Saint Michael has spoken to me.”
Showing no sign of doubt towards her ability, Bertrand nodded, “And what has he offered?”
“A gift,” Jehanne smiled, turning towards the altar, “from the King of Heaven for the King of France.”
~
The robed traveler knelt before the priest and carefully unraveled His gift. The priest waited patiently, knowingly, as the item was revealed to be a sword. However, his eyes could not hide his surprise as he examined the five crosses spanning the length of the blade, a sign that the sword had been forged for someone of much prestige.
“You honor Saint Catherine greatly with so prominent a gift.” The priest carefully took the sword and held it in his open palms, his eyes noting each cross with such fascination. “Tell me, my child, what is the significance of this fine blade?”
“This sword,” the traveler rose, his tone momentous as he said, “must be placed in a chamber beneath the altar where it will remain hidden until it is needed to save France again.”
The priest was clearly stunned at the implication of the sword’s importance, but he could not deny the possibility that the sword he now held in his hands had been used by the renowned Charles Martel in a battle pivotal to France’s—and perhaps Christendom’s—future. He had heard the legend of the sword that had been forged from a meteor on the eve of that great battle, and how Charles had used the sword to reverse the tide of the war and repel the Saracens, but he was certain that it had been lost to time, likely deep in a nearby river.
At first, the priest considered that he was in the presence of Charles Martel himself—but the Battle of Tours had taken place nearly three centuries ago. “May I inquire who you are, stranger?” The priest finally looked up from the sword.
The stranger had disappeared, and all that remained was the legendary sword and a single ephemeral feather that drifted before the priest’s eyes, vanishing just before it reached the ground.
Riley: Time Crosses
Adherence to Prompt: 5. Heh, too short to deviate much.
Spelling/Grammar: 4.5 “admiration for what human’s would do”
Characterization: 8. Jehanne, Bertrand, and Jean de Metz are well done for their short time in the story.
Plot/Structure: 5. It flowed well enough, and made sense, but there’s not really a story here, is there? Its well done for what it is, and it would make a wonderful part of a larger story, but as it is, it’s just long enough for the reader to start getting into it.
Style: 8.5. Very readable.
Creativity: 2/10. This is basically a dramatization of an old legend/theory, that the Sword of Saint Catherine was the same used by Charles Martel at Tours. It’s well done for what it is.
Total: 33. I wish this was longer! Like, actually a STORY. As it is, it’s more of a well-done dramatization.
Adherence to Prompt: 4/5 - I liked the concept, it involved Joan, and there was a clear amount of research, but there just wasn't enough to this to get a perfect score. There is a lot of good thought behind this story, but not much execution.
Spelling/Grammar: 5/5 - I didn't catch any typos that really mattered, and I try to avoid half points, so a perfect score to here.
Characterization: 4/10 - Who are these people? You have a large number of characters in a small amount of space. They're historical characters, and I appreciated that every character clearly had research behind them, but your story treats them about as deeply as the footnotes they have in most history books. The best part of the characters by far was your use of Joan's actual words.
Plot/Structure: 3/10 - This is where the work suffers the most. There is some interesting stuff going on with the structure, but for the most part the story feels unfinished. The scenes are so abrupt and the plot so narrow that you have to tip your hand way too early. I ended wondering what the point of was of what I'd just read.
Style: 8/10 - Your best category by far. The sentences were tight and solid. More importantly, the imagery was consistant -- I appreciated the recurring use of wind, for instance. Again, using lines from Joan's testimony was a good stylistic choice.
Creativity: 5/10 - Average score, because while the idea is tantalizing, there simply isn't enough.
Total: 29 - Stylisticaly good, but in general much too short, and lacking an actual plot.
Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana.
Comments
I feel like I've just read the epilogue to a truly epic Arthurian tale, but no one ever told me the beginning of the epic. You're relying a lot on the reader having a lot of familiarity with the specifics of Joan's story and perhaps (I'm kind of guessing here) some Da Vinci Code-like theories about her or her blade.
In a way, it's similar to one of my beefs with Pirates of the Caribbean 2: the filmmakers seemed to assume you had *just finished* watching the first movie before walking into the theatre. In the same fashion, this feels like I should have just read a biography of Joan before picking up this story.
You also lack a clear protagonist. Better writers than me can swing that, sometimes, but it's generally a bad idea for short fiction to hop around among multiple points of view. This gave the story an unfocused feeling that really made the spooky ending fall flat.
There's a lot of writing proficiency here, but you need to work on fitting the format you've been assigned and creating a compelling tale within that tight framework, and staying away from a tendency to overwrite (see the Style section for more on that). This should give you something that reads like a complete story instead of an excerpt or epilogue.
0-5 Adherence to Prompt: This isn't just "Is Joan of Arc in the story." This is "Does she seem like Joan of Arc?" Historical innacuracies will come out of here, though I'll likely be the only one to dock for that.
2
I suppose Joan of Arc was in the story, but I barely saw her. I'm not really sure what purpose she served, and I'm afraid my own knowledge of French history isn't enough to figure out the Arthurian angle you seem to be taking here. She seems far too confident and wise when she does appear, not the brave girl driven half-mad by visions who led her troops out of pure faith.
0-5 Spelling and Grammar: Sefl-esplanator.y Don't neglect this - Scavenger had a few spelling errors, and lost last round by half a point. These are not hard points to get, so don't take them for granted.
4
Pretty solid, nothing that wouldn't come out in editing. You get a whole 0.5 points for including that little ç in façade (even if it was just Word auto-correcting you). You're quite proficient with the language, that's for certain.
0-10 Characterization: How well are your characters (all of them) developed? Are they believable? Do they come alive to the readers, or are they just flat archetypes?
2
I hate to give a score that low, but there was little to no characterization here that I could see. There was mystery about figures in the story, but no revelations and no real way to see them change or grow. I would have given you a 1, but the brief interactions at the top of the story were natural enough that they momentarily breathed life into the characters. But only momentarily.
0-10 Plot and Structure: Does everything flow well? Does the story make coherant sense? Do we care about what happens, at the same time as not being able to see everything coming?
2.5
I feel like there's a plot going on beneath the surface, but I'm not being allowed to see it. Structurally, the scenes feel disconnected and haphazard. You definitely had room to expand this story – not seeing this famous sword in action seems like a mistake, for example; and the connection between Joan and Charles was something I never quite got. But most of all, I just felt I had nothing invested in the story, a problem tied into characterization, but also the lack of any compelling action or events in the story. I just can't tell what the story even really is, and that's a bad thing.
0-10 Style: How effective your words are. How well you use symbolism, imagery, voice, and all those other mystical writing concepts.
6
Style's not bad, but there's a tendency to overwrite. Get ready, I'm going to make an example out of you. But it's all out of love, I promise.
'“And do you believe it is so?” Jean glanced over at his companion, careful not to reveal too much of his skepticism.'
Could easily be . . .
'“And do you believe it is so?” Jean asked with thinly disguised skepticism.'
Or even:
'“And do you believe it is so?” Jean asked.'
Because really, the skepticism is implicit in Jean's line.
I do this sort of thing all the time in first drafts. You get so involved in describing the action, you describe too much, and that's what rewrites are for. There's an old writing aphorism that you always have to "murder your darlings." It's certainly not a hard and fast rule, but it's a good one to keep in mind. Writers are weird people, and sometimes those little nuggets we think are brilliant are, perversely, exactly the things that need to be excised. 'Tis a peculiar business, this writing.
0-10 Creativity: Just because you have to use a well-documented historical figure, doesn't mean you can't be creative about it.
2
I'm just not sure enough what's going on here to call it creative. The importance of the sword wasn't clear or profound enough to pull me along with the story. It may be a twist equal to Vader being Luke's father, but I wasn't given the historical foundation to know it.
A week before the competetion, to Scav: "Hey, we should really give this next one our all! We'll do tons of research and edit each other's stories! For sure, man!"
Two weeks into the competetion: "Hmm. I still know absolutely nothing about Joan. I should really go to the library and find some good books."
Almost a week after that: "Okay, I finally made it to the library! Now, to read."
Days later: "Gonna start reading now, I swear!"
Days before the competition: "OH SHI-"
Crunch time: "After all this time, the best I can come up with is a very basic concept that's not even my own. Hm. Might as well write something, just to show up--I mean, encourage Scav!"
A week after the competition ends: "Oh, NOW I get a great idea. I could have written an alternate history closely drawing a connection between Charles Martel losing to the Muslims and Joan discovering his supposed sword from God and questioning her faith because of its ineffectiveness while she tries to restore the Pope to his position in power in the Western world, and, had I not been so cripplingly lazy, I would have expanded on every little vague idea and conspiracy that I just barely caressed. That little thing I wrote is like awkward foreplay without any of the joy of sex afterward."
I'm not making excuses; I'm just purveying my laziness. I mostly agree with your comments, and I thank you for the feedback. Very helpful. Sorry I didn't produce something better for you to spend your time on! =P
Mm, but laziness aside, I'm horrible at this short story thing. Any sort of idea or concept that crosses my mind (whether or not it has already been explored by others) creates a web of ideas and possibilities. That's why anything I write quickly leans towards novel length, and I'm just a lot more comfortable with that format. As you said, though, I need to follow the structure given to me. If I'm going to be participating in further short story competitions, I shouldn't even bother entering what I know to be exercises, or possible excerpts or prologues. As someone who has been in the judging position before, I should know better than to waste judges' time.
Oh, wait, one counter-comment: the dock in style points seems a bit harsh. Obviously, we all judge on different criteria and personal tastes (as objective and non-biased as we try to be). I must contend that the example you called into question is a necessary elaboration (not out of stubbornness, but out of the fact that I deliberately crafted it so). Just for arugment's sake, as a reader I find the detailed description helpful in visualzing the character and the subtlety in his regard towards the topic, and it provides a necessary pause to allow tension and uncertainty to build in the reader's opinion of the topic as well.
In general, yes, overwriting is disengaging and I try to avoid it (although I think your tastes are a bit more minimalistic than mine). And yes, it's often a product of not wanting to kill our words and turning a blind-eye to them in re-writes. The fact that you made a note of it at all is fine; I just don't agree with the specific example. =P
But to end on a positive note: that quote ("Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.") is something my linguistics teacher was obsessed with. I love it.
“Is it wise to allow Jehanne to leave our sight even for a moment?”
Bertrand had been admiring the boundless sea of stars when his companion broke the long silence. Even though he was a man in his mid thirties, under the magnificent maw of the Heavens he felt like a rapt child. In the presence of la Pucelle, he felt the same. “She is quite willful, and if it is her will to convene with the Saints privately, then we have little say in the matter.” His hand resting on the hilt of his sword, he and his companion Jean waited outside of the chapel of Saint Catherine of Fierbois.
Though years younger than his fellow soldier, Jean questioned Bertrand’s wisdom in the matter. “And if she is kidnapped?”
“The Lord will protect me. Come what may.” Bertrand repeated the words Jehanne had given to him when he voiced his concerns of allowing her to part from her protectors. By now word of her divinely directed journey to crown Charles VII had reached the ears of many who would seek to gain from ransoming her. In such troubled times, there were even those so base that they would abduct a messenger of God inside His house.
The soothing night air of early spring and the clear skies suffused the small town of Fierbois in serenity, despite the times. It seemed to Bertrand that an inexplicable blanket of serenity followed Jehanne wherever she went, and not even Jean could not deny how miraculous it had been for them to travel so many miles from Vaucouleurs on their journey to Chinon without having encountered the English or any of the other enemies of Charles VII.
“And do you believe it is so?” Jean glanced over at his companion, careful not to reveal too much of his skepticism.
“Come what may? It has always been so.”
Jean smiled at his friend’s facetious remark, despite the gravity of the topic. “Then you do believe that the Lord sides with her?”
Surveying the stone road by Saint Catherine’s church and the few nonthreatening figures passing his sight, Bertrand’s ever vigilant eyes revealed this much of his beliefs: God does not aid the remiss. “I believe that Charles should send his word with more haste.”
He drifted as if part of the wind, barely noticeable to all but a few in the streets of Fierbois, and yet he exuded an impossibly regal presence from his otherwise unremarkable façade of a plain brown robe covering him from head to toe. He held in his hands a long flat something wrapped in white cloth, handling it with such tenderness.
In the great shadow of the church of Saint Catherine, the traveler halted. His eyes like sapphires glimmering in the sky, they showed admiration for what human’s would do for their faith. Even modest houses of worship felt splendid to him.
The church doors opening swiftly at his slightest touch, he entered into the candlelit chamber. On the dais at the opposite end of the chamber, the priest of the church was snuffing candles. He looked up at the newcomer and smiled earnestly, halting his duties. “Welcome, stranger, to this humble house of God.” He placed the snuffer over a nearby pedestal, his eyes lighting with joy as he saw that the stranger had an offering. “You wish to give patronage at this late hour of the night?”
“I do hope that it is not too late for such deeds.” His voice was warm and gentle like a summer breeze embracing a child.
“No, my child, it is never too late for patronage.”
“Jehanne?” Though soft-spoken, the voice echoed around the young woman in the otherwise empty chamber.
Only because she recognized the voice did she respond. With both the clothes and the haircut of a man, her disguise made her indistinguishable to her enemies, and she had wisdom enough to know that revealing herself before reaching Chinon could prove disastrous. Her head lowered as she kneeled in silence on a pile of straw, the young woman seemed worlds away. After a moment more, she turned to the entrance of the church where her two protectors stood, and replied, “Saint Michael has spoken to me.”
Showing no sign of doubt towards her ability, Bertrand nodded, “And what has he offered?”
“A gift,” Jehanne smiled, turning towards the altar, “from the King of Heaven for the King of France.”
The robed traveler knelt before the priest and carefully unraveled His gift. The priest waited patiently, knowingly, as the item was revealed to be a sword. However, his eyes could not hide his surprise as he examined the five crosses spanning the length of the blade, a sign that the sword had been forged for someone of much prestige.
“You honor Saint Catherine greatly with so prominent a gift.” The priest carefully took the sword and held it in his open palms, his eyes noting each cross with such fascination. “Tell me, my child, what is the significance of this fine blade?”
“This sword,” the traveler rose, his tone momentous as he said, “must be placed in a chamber beneath the altar where it will remain hidden until it is needed to save France again.”
The priest was clearly stunned at the implication of the sword’s importance, but he could not deny the possibility that the sword he now held in his hands had been used by the renowned Charles Martel in a battle pivotal to France’s—and perhaps Christendom’s—future. He had heard the legend of the sword that had been forged from a meteor on the eve of that great battle, and how Charles had used the sword to reverse the tide of the war and repel the Saracens, but he was certain that it had been lost to time, likely deep in a nearby river.
At first, the priest considered that he was in the presence of Charles Martel himself—but the Battle of Tours had taken place nearly three centuries ago. “May I inquire who you are, stranger?” The priest finally looked up from the sword.
The stranger had disappeared, and all that remained was the legendary sword and a single ephemeral feather that drifted before the priest’s eyes, vanishing just before it reached the ground.
Duel Commander Mega-Thread
Adherence to Prompt: 5. Heh, too short to deviate much.
Spelling/Grammar: 4.5 “admiration for what human’s would do”
Characterization: 8. Jehanne, Bertrand, and Jean de Metz are well done for their short time in the story.
Plot/Structure: 5. It flowed well enough, and made sense, but there’s not really a story here, is there? Its well done for what it is, and it would make a wonderful part of a larger story, but as it is, it’s just long enough for the reader to start getting into it.
Style: 8.5. Very readable.
Creativity: 2/10. This is basically a dramatization of an old legend/theory, that the Sword of Saint Catherine was the same used by Charles Martel at Tours. It’s well done for what it is.
Total: 33. I wish this was longer! Like, actually a STORY. As it is, it’s more of a well-done dramatization.
Trades
Articles
Winner of SSC 1 & ">3 & 6
Spelling/Grammar: 5/5 - I didn't catch any typos that really mattered, and I try to avoid half points, so a perfect score to here.
Characterization: 4/10 - Who are these people? You have a large number of characters in a small amount of space. They're historical characters, and I appreciated that every character clearly had research behind them, but your story treats them about as deeply as the footnotes they have in most history books. The best part of the characters by far was your use of Joan's actual words.
Plot/Structure: 3/10 - This is where the work suffers the most. There is some interesting stuff going on with the structure, but for the most part the story feels unfinished. The scenes are so abrupt and the plot so narrow that you have to tip your hand way too early. I ended wondering what the point of was of what I'd just read.
Style: 8/10 - Your best category by far. The sentences were tight and solid. More importantly, the imagery was consistant -- I appreciated the recurring use of wind, for instance. Again, using lines from Joan's testimony was a good stylistic choice.
Creativity: 5/10 - Average score, because while the idea is tantalizing, there simply isn't enough.
Total: 29 - Stylisticaly good, but in general much too short, and lacking an actual plot.
By Riley
Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana.
Comments
I feel like I've just read the epilogue to a truly epic Arthurian tale, but no one ever told me the beginning of the epic. You're relying a lot on the reader having a lot of familiarity with the specifics of Joan's story and perhaps (I'm kind of guessing here) some Da Vinci Code-like theories about her or her blade.
In a way, it's similar to one of my beefs with Pirates of the Caribbean 2: the filmmakers seemed to assume you had *just finished* watching the first movie before walking into the theatre. In the same fashion, this feels like I should have just read a biography of Joan before picking up this story.
You also lack a clear protagonist. Better writers than me can swing that, sometimes, but it's generally a bad idea for short fiction to hop around among multiple points of view. This gave the story an unfocused feeling that really made the spooky ending fall flat.
There's a lot of writing proficiency here, but you need to work on fitting the format you've been assigned and creating a compelling tale within that tight framework, and staying away from a tendency to overwrite (see the Style section for more on that). This should give you something that reads like a complete story instead of an excerpt or epilogue.
0-5 Adherence to Prompt: This isn't just "Is Joan of Arc in the story." This is "Does she seem like Joan of Arc?" Historical innacuracies will come out of here, though I'll likely be the only one to dock for that.
2
I suppose Joan of Arc was in the story, but I barely saw her. I'm not really sure what purpose she served, and I'm afraid my own knowledge of French history isn't enough to figure out the Arthurian angle you seem to be taking here. She seems far too confident and wise when she does appear, not the brave girl driven half-mad by visions who led her troops out of pure faith.
0-5 Spelling and Grammar: Sefl-esplanator.y Don't neglect this - Scavenger had a few spelling errors, and lost last round by half a point. These are not hard points to get, so don't take them for granted.
4
Pretty solid, nothing that wouldn't come out in editing. You get a whole 0.5 points for including that little ç in façade (even if it was just Word auto-correcting you). You're quite proficient with the language, that's for certain.
0-10 Characterization: How well are your characters (all of them) developed? Are they believable? Do they come alive to the readers, or are they just flat archetypes?
2
I hate to give a score that low, but there was little to no characterization here that I could see. There was mystery about figures in the story, but no revelations and no real way to see them change or grow. I would have given you a 1, but the brief interactions at the top of the story were natural enough that they momentarily breathed life into the characters. But only momentarily.
0-10 Plot and Structure: Does everything flow well? Does the story make coherant sense? Do we care about what happens, at the same time as not being able to see everything coming?
2.5
I feel like there's a plot going on beneath the surface, but I'm not being allowed to see it. Structurally, the scenes feel disconnected and haphazard. You definitely had room to expand this story – not seeing this famous sword in action seems like a mistake, for example; and the connection between Joan and Charles was something I never quite got. But most of all, I just felt I had nothing invested in the story, a problem tied into characterization, but also the lack of any compelling action or events in the story. I just can't tell what the story even really is, and that's a bad thing.
0-10 Style: How effective your words are. How well you use symbolism, imagery, voice, and all those other mystical writing concepts.
6
Style's not bad, but there's a tendency to overwrite. Get ready, I'm going to make an example out of you. But it's all out of love, I promise.
'“And do you believe it is so?” Jean glanced over at his companion, careful not to reveal too much of his skepticism.'
Could easily be . . .
'“And do you believe it is so?” Jean asked with thinly disguised skepticism.'
Or even:
'“And do you believe it is so?” Jean asked.'
Because really, the skepticism is implicit in Jean's line.
I do this sort of thing all the time in first drafts. You get so involved in describing the action, you describe too much, and that's what rewrites are for. There's an old writing aphorism that you always have to "murder your darlings." It's certainly not a hard and fast rule, but it's a good one to keep in mind. Writers are weird people, and sometimes those little nuggets we think are brilliant are, perversely, exactly the things that need to be excised. 'Tis a peculiar business, this writing.
0-10 Creativity: Just because you have to use a well-documented historical figure, doesn't mean you can't be creative about it.
2
I'm just not sure enough what's going on here to call it creative. The importance of the sword wasn't clear or profound enough to pull me along with the story. It may be a twist equal to Vader being Luke's father, but I wasn't given the historical foundation to know it.
Total: 18.5
A week before the competetion, to Scav: "Hey, we should really give this next one our all! We'll do tons of research and edit each other's stories! For sure, man!"
Two weeks into the competetion: "Hmm. I still know absolutely nothing about Joan. I should really go to the library and find some good books."
Almost a week after that: "Okay, I finally made it to the library! Now, to read."
Days later: "Gonna start reading now, I swear!"
Days before the competition: "OH SHI-"
Crunch time: "After all this time, the best I can come up with is a very basic concept that's not even my own. Hm. Might as well write something, just to show up--I mean, encourage Scav!"
A week after the competition ends: "Oh, NOW I get a great idea. I could have written an alternate history closely drawing a connection between Charles Martel losing to the Muslims and Joan discovering his supposed sword from God and questioning her faith because of its ineffectiveness while she tries to restore the Pope to his position in power in the Western world, and, had I not been so cripplingly lazy, I would have expanded on every little vague idea and conspiracy that I just barely caressed. That little thing I wrote is like awkward foreplay without any of the joy of sex afterward."
I'm not making excuses; I'm just purveying my laziness. I mostly agree with your comments, and I thank you for the feedback. Very helpful. Sorry I didn't produce something better for you to spend your time on! =P
Mm, but laziness aside, I'm horrible at this short story thing. Any sort of idea or concept that crosses my mind (whether or not it has already been explored by others) creates a web of ideas and possibilities. That's why anything I write quickly leans towards novel length, and I'm just a lot more comfortable with that format. As you said, though, I need to follow the structure given to me. If I'm going to be participating in further short story competitions, I shouldn't even bother entering what I know to be exercises, or possible excerpts or prologues. As someone who has been in the judging position before, I should know better than to waste judges' time.
Oh, wait, one counter-comment: the dock in style points seems a bit harsh. Obviously, we all judge on different criteria and personal tastes (as objective and non-biased as we try to be). I must contend that the example you called into question is a necessary elaboration (not out of stubbornness, but out of the fact that I deliberately crafted it so). Just for arugment's sake, as a reader I find the detailed description helpful in visualzing the character and the subtlety in his regard towards the topic, and it provides a necessary pause to allow tension and uncertainty to build in the reader's opinion of the topic as well.
In general, yes, overwriting is disengaging and I try to avoid it (although I think your tastes are a bit more minimalistic than mine). And yes, it's often a product of not wanting to kill our words and turning a blind-eye to them in re-writes. The fact that you made a note of it at all is fine; I just don't agree with the specific example. =P
But to end on a positive note: that quote ("Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.") is something my linguistics teacher was obsessed with. I love it.
Duel Commander Mega-Thread