The cry was heard across the entire battlefield, “The white flag has raised. The British have surrendered. Le Tourelles has fallen.” All around the battlements, the cry of victory joined the wails for the dead and the screams of the injured as the French poured through the demolished gates of the once proud citadel and reclaimed what had been theirs. The horse clopped to a halt at the entrance to the tent, the knight that rode it slid from the saddle and adjusted his armor. Breathing deeply he prepared himself for what he would see. Inside the tent, the stench was unbearable, the screams of the dying penetrating even the most hardened soldiers ears. Calmly he strode through the room, past the beds covered in blood and bile, to the backside of the room, to the sole woman in the entire encampment in a suit of armor. "Report, soldier," her reply to his salute, followed by a wince as the nurse tied the bandage around her shoulder. "Sir, the white flag has been raised. Le Tourelles has surrendered. We are victorious." The woman only nodded her approval as she stood from the cot and drew herself to her full height, still a couple feet short of the man. "Thank you, I shall inform the commander immediately." With a mutual salute, she strode out of the medical tent and headed for the command tent." "Surprising, isn't she?" The knight turned to see the nurse holding the red bandages that had held her wounds together for the battle. "Most men would have been felled by that wound, but she kept going." The knight nodded his head, "She is driven by her will to serve God. Anyone who has seen what she has seen, would be driven as well, man or woman." The nurse smiled and chuckled, "Very true, you are wise. Perhaps you were touched by God yourself." A mutual laugh, and the knight left the medical tent, mounted his horse and rode to the mess tent. Through the line he overhead many conversations, most on the topic of the woman herself. "Did you see Joan today, apparently she was wounded assaulting the fortress, but still fought on." Further through the line, "There are plenty of folk that think she's a loony, that nobody has heard the voice of God. But seeing her fight the way she does, it'll make you believe." A call came from a close friend and he sat to eat his share. "You went to see her right, how did she look?" A quick bite of bread, "She looked fine, damn powerful if you ask me. I didn't believe the whole story myself. A woman comes from nowhere saying she heard the voice of God telling her how to defeat the British. She arrives at the siege of Orleans, and though she is ignored by the upper ranks, she manages to ride out to the front lines with her banner flying. Through her actions, the siege of Orleans was broken and she was given further command. She introduced the first French offensive and managed to push the British to this point. And now that she's taken Le Tourelles, it's like it all makes sense now." The other gave him a smirk, "You know more about her than about me. Maybe you should write a book about her. Title it 'Joan my Joan' and sell it as a romance." A punch to the arm, and the knight rose from his seat, to retire for the night. He wandered about the camp, unable to sleep from the excitement. Now that the British had been pushed out of Le Tourelles, perhaps a true offensive could be opened. Could this be the turning point of the war. And if it is, was it due to God's aid in the form of Joan, or was it through her actions and the signs she saw where simply directions. Either way, there was no denying that Joan, the woman and prophet, had led the company to a major victory today. A group gathered around the command tent as Joan stepped out to give a quick speech. "Today, Le Tourelles has fallen, tomorrow, the whole of the British army will fall as well." The whole crowd rose in a cheer for their victory. A quick motion of the hand and the crowd was silenced. "God was truly with us today, as he has been through this entire campaign. However, it was not God's words that took down the walls of Le Tourelles. It was not God's hand that struck down our enemies, shattered their gates and pushed them off the land that is rightfully ours. The victory today does not belong to God, to me, or to any single person in this encampment. This victory belongs to all of you, This victory belongs to all of those who fought and died to defend the land that we call our own. The victory belongs to those who stand before me, who, with their will alone, defied the British and taught them the might of the oppressed. So to all of you, I bow my head." The cry of those that had gathered, filled the emptiness of the night with a cacophony of praises and remembrances. The knight stood near the back, stared at this prophet, this goddess descended from heaven itself and smiled inwardly at himself. 'Love is such a passing thing. How could any man in this crowd right now not say that they love this woman. She is bringing their people out of oppression, and with this victory, will have turned the heads of the brass as well as the clergy. Do I love her, the same way I love my wife at home, my daughters with their beautiful smiles. No, my love is the love between a knight and his captain. Between two soldiers who have seen the horrors of battle together and came out to tell about it. With his thoughts past, he joined with those gathered and sang the praises of Joan of Arc, the prophet of God, the knight of justice, the savior of embattled France.
Private Mod Note
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She placed her hand on his shoulders and leaned in close, "It's for the best." He nodded his response. He didn't cry out, and she severed his head with a tear.
I really liked it. I couldn't see many (if any) grammar or spelling errrors (but then again, my friend says i have the grammatical sense of a cow). I really couldn't see a climax like most story's would have, but I did still like it.
You described Joan as a woman in a suit of armour. I think you could've explained it a bit more (or maybe I just missed the rest of the description). Make sure you put a space in between each paragraph; otherwise it gets kind of hard to read where one starts anmd another ends.
Other than that; I loved it!
Thanks for giving me something to read and enjoy.
diablos_flame: In My Eyes
Adherence to Prompt: 3.5/5. Some basic misunderstandings of the history—for example, it was the retaking of the Tourelles that allowed for the lifting of the siege, but you seem to treat them as two separate battles. Also, I’m not sure where else I could put this… I’m perplexed by the knight telling the soldier to “write a book about her”; suffice to say, there wasn’t much of a market for literature at the time, with such a low literacy rate.
Spelling/Grammar: 3/5. Some botched possessives, misplaced quotation marks… mostly stuff a quick proofreading would fix.
Characterization: 4/10. The knight is little more than a POV, given only a name really. Joan is characterized a bit, though, although I don’t quite agree with it (but points away from that would be from “Adherence to Prompt).
Plot and Structure: 5/10. Gets confusing as to who is speaking to who, and why. More importantly, there is not much plot here… it’s a knight, in camp, after the battle. He doesn’t do anything, doesn’t change in any way, or learn anything…
Style: 6/10. Sentences are a big long and cumbersome in places. For example, early on, “The horse clopped to a halt at the entrance to the tent, the knight that rode it slid from the saddle and adjusted his armor.” This is two separate thoughts, and while it could be fixed with a semicolon, it would probably be better as two sentences. Since nobody but Joan has a name, its not always clear what’s going on or who’s saying what.
Creativity: 0/10. I’m sorry, but… I just don’t see anything creative here.
Total: 21.5/50
In all, the writing isn’t terrible, you just don’t DO anything with it. Your research also seemed a bit iffy, both with the confusion about the battles mentioned above, and Joan’s speech—she would never be one to discount the role of God.
Adherence to Prompt: 3/5 - It's Joan, but the research could have all come from wikipedia.
Spelling/Grammar: 3/5 - There are a number of grammar errors, though most of them fall into the "style" category, so an average score.
Characterization: 4/10 - Not bad, but far too generic. None of your characters have names except for Joan, despite playing important roles. If your characters are nameless, then there haves to be some other means to distinguish them. Unfortunately, there is nothing for us to grab ahold of beyond "the knight."
Plot/Structure: 3/10 - In the end, this was a character sketch. And then we don't know much about him anyways. The story began with the world "at rest." Granted, it's a bloody and chaotic rest, but nothing happened to turn the scenery into plot.
Style: 3/10: Passive voice abounds! Even your first line, the sentence that is supposed to grab our attention, is passive. "The cry was heard across the battlefield." Either have someone cry, or have someone hear it, rather than an amorphous noun not claimed by any subject or direct object. Also, watch your use of "the ____." The knight turned to see the nurse holding the red bandages that had held her wounds together for the battle. Each of those "the's" is a chance for you to describe something. Also, your pronouns are ambiguous. If none of your characters have names, throwing "her" and "he" must be done carefully.
Creativity: 2/10 - There isn't a whole lot going on in this story, just us watching Joan through a nameless knight's eyes.
This is an interesting scene, but it's not a story. Short stories can be very short – check out Richard Matheson's "Lemmings" in the Shock I collection for a good example – but there's still got to be the bare minimum of a story in that tight fit. This is well-written, but it feels cut from a much larger manuscript.
For the knight's realization that he must love Joan only as a commander and soldier loves duty and honor, you need a lot more development of the relationship between the two. Otherwise, it's too slight. Much of the recounting of the battle sounded a bit too Wiki-fresh, while smaller details were absent. You don't need to tell me every detail about appearances and the location, but a few help the reader's mind fill in the rest.
0-5 Adherence to Prompt: This isn't just "Is Joan of Arc in the story." This is "Does she seem like Joan of Arc?" Historical innacuracies will come out of here, though I'll likely be the only one to dock for that.
4
A good, strong Joan in her historical mileau. Would have liked to have seen more of her.
0-5 Spelling and Grammar: Sefl-esplanator.y Don't neglect this - Scavenger had a few spelling errors, and lost last round by half a point. These are not hard points to get, so don't take them for granted.
3
Nice. Structurally, it's a good idea to break up paragraphs where more than one character is speaking dialogue. Not a hard and fast rule, but a good one for my money. It does need a copyedit, though, and that will always kill you.
0-10 Characterization: How well are your characters (all of them) developed? Are they believable? Do they come alive to the readers, or are they just flat archetypes?
3
A bit more development of the knight and his admiration for Joan before the "St. Crispin's Day Speech" would have helped justify the end and make it stronger. His final line would have been more powerful if delivered to another character, perhaps even Joan herself (presumably followed by a rebuke) instead of as internal monologue. Unfortunately, I didn't know the knight long enough to care about his feelings, except as a random representative of the army. Did he fight at her side? Did she, personally, save his life on the battlefield? Does he think that they have a connection that no one else can see? Is he a stalker?
0-10 Plot and Structure: Does everything flow well? Does the story make coherant sense? Do we care about what happens, at the same time as not being able to see everything coming?
4
The flow of the prose is very natural, and this vignette is well structured. It just doesn't feel like there's quite enough there to be a story. Yet. It didn't feel quite like you cared that much, either – the somewhat rote facts I mentioned earlier showed that.
0-10 Style: How effective your words are. How well you use symbolism, imagery, voice, and all those other mystical writing concepts.
6
Very nice imagery. Writing a speech like Joan's is not easy to pull off without sounding contrived, and you managed it nicely. The style fit the tone and the period, artfully dodging many anachronism.
0-10 Creativity: Just because you have to use a well-documented historical figure, doesn't mean you can't be creative about it.
3
From my poorly researched vantage point, this is a retelling of history or at least representative of history. The creative twist happens at the very end—this knight loves the unattainable Joan—and then it's over. It's too slight, and could easily have been expanded to show more of your creativity and still fit within the contest requirements.
The cry was heard across the entire battlefield, “The white flag has raised. The British have surrendered. Le Tourelles has fallen.” All around the battlements, the cry of victory joined the wails for the dead and the screams of the injured as the French poured through the demolished gates of the once proud citadel and reclaimed what had been theirs.
The horse clopped to a halt at the entrance to the tent, the knight that rode it slid from the saddle and adjusted his armor. Breathing deeply he prepared himself for what he would see. Inside the tent, the stench was unbearable, the screams of the dying penetrating even the most hardened soldiers ears. Calmly he strode through the room, past the beds covered in blood and bile, to the backside of the room, to the sole woman in the entire encampment in a suit of armor.
"Report, soldier," her reply to his salute, followed by a wince as the nurse tied the bandage around her shoulder. "Sir, the white flag has been raised. Le Tourelles has surrendered. We are victorious." The woman only nodded her approval as she stood from the cot and drew herself to her full height, still a couple feet short of the man. "Thank you, I shall inform the commander immediately." With a mutual salute, she strode out of the medical tent and headed for the command tent."
"Surprising, isn't she?" The knight turned to see the nurse holding the red bandages that had held her wounds together for the battle. "Most men would have been felled by that wound, but she kept going." The knight nodded his head, "She is driven by her will to serve God. Anyone who has seen what she has seen, would be driven as well, man or woman." The nurse smiled and chuckled, "Very true, you are wise. Perhaps you were touched by God yourself." A mutual laugh, and the knight left the medical tent, mounted his horse and rode to the mess tent.
Through the line he overhead many conversations, most on the topic of the woman herself. "Did you see Joan today, apparently she was wounded assaulting the fortress, but still fought on." Further through the line, "There are plenty of folk that think she's a loony, that nobody has heard the voice of God. But seeing her fight the way she does, it'll make you believe." A call came from a close friend and he sat to eat his share. "You went to see her right, how did she look?"
A quick bite of bread, "She looked fine, damn powerful if you ask me. I didn't believe the whole story myself. A woman comes from nowhere saying she heard the voice of God telling her how to defeat the British. She arrives at the siege of Orleans, and though she is ignored by the upper ranks, she manages to ride out to the front lines with her banner flying. Through her actions, the siege of Orleans was broken and she was given further command. She introduced the first French offensive and managed to push the British to this point. And now that she's taken Le Tourelles, it's like it all makes sense now." The other gave him a smirk, "You know more about her than about me. Maybe you should write a book about her. Title it 'Joan my Joan' and sell it as a romance." A punch to the arm, and the knight rose from his seat, to retire for the night.
He wandered about the camp, unable to sleep from the excitement. Now that the British had been pushed out of Le Tourelles, perhaps a true offensive could be opened. Could this be the turning point of the war. And if it is, was it due to God's aid in the form of Joan, or was it through her actions and the signs she saw where simply directions. Either way, there was no denying that Joan, the woman and prophet, had led the company to a major victory today.
A group gathered around the command tent as Joan stepped out to give a quick speech. "Today, Le Tourelles has fallen, tomorrow, the whole of the British army will fall as well." The whole crowd rose in a cheer for their victory. A quick motion of the hand and the crowd was silenced. "God was truly with us today, as he has been through this entire campaign. However, it was not God's words that took down the walls of Le Tourelles. It was not God's hand that struck down our enemies, shattered their gates and pushed them off the land that is rightfully ours. The victory today does not belong to God, to me, or to any single person in this encampment. This victory belongs to all of you, This victory belongs to all of those who fought and died to defend the land that we call our own. The victory belongs to those who stand before me, who, with their will alone, defied the British and taught them the might of the oppressed. So to all of you, I bow my head."
The cry of those that had gathered, filled the emptiness of the night with a cacophony of praises and remembrances. The knight stood near the back, stared at this prophet, this goddess descended from heaven itself and smiled inwardly at himself. 'Love is such a passing thing. How could any man in this crowd right now not say that they love this woman. She is bringing their people out of oppression, and with this victory, will have turned the heads of the brass as well as the clergy. Do I love her, the same way I love my wife at home, my daughters with their beautiful smiles. No, my love is the love between a knight and his captain. Between two soldiers who have seen the horrors of battle together and came out to tell about it. With his thoughts past, he joined with those gathered and sang the praises of Joan of Arc, the prophet of God, the knight of justice, the savior of embattled France.
You described Joan as a woman in a suit of armour. I think you could've explained it a bit more (or maybe I just missed the rest of the description). Make sure you put a space in between each paragraph; otherwise it gets kind of hard to read where one starts anmd another ends.
Other than that; I loved it!
Thanks for giving me something to read and enjoy.
Adherence to Prompt: 3.5/5. Some basic misunderstandings of the history—for example, it was the retaking of the Tourelles that allowed for the lifting of the siege, but you seem to treat them as two separate battles. Also, I’m not sure where else I could put this… I’m perplexed by the knight telling the soldier to “write a book about her”; suffice to say, there wasn’t much of a market for literature at the time, with such a low literacy rate.
Spelling/Grammar: 3/5. Some botched possessives, misplaced quotation marks… mostly stuff a quick proofreading would fix.
Characterization: 4/10. The knight is little more than a POV, given only a name really. Joan is characterized a bit, though, although I don’t quite agree with it (but points away from that would be from “Adherence to Prompt).
Plot and Structure: 5/10. Gets confusing as to who is speaking to who, and why. More importantly, there is not much plot here… it’s a knight, in camp, after the battle. He doesn’t do anything, doesn’t change in any way, or learn anything…
Style: 6/10. Sentences are a big long and cumbersome in places. For example, early on, “The horse clopped to a halt at the entrance to the tent, the knight that rode it slid from the saddle and adjusted his armor.” This is two separate thoughts, and while it could be fixed with a semicolon, it would probably be better as two sentences. Since nobody but Joan has a name, its not always clear what’s going on or who’s saying what.
Creativity: 0/10. I’m sorry, but… I just don’t see anything creative here.
Total: 21.5/50
In all, the writing isn’t terrible, you just don’t DO anything with it. Your research also seemed a bit iffy, both with the confusion about the battles mentioned above, and Joan’s speech—she would never be one to discount the role of God.
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Spelling/Grammar: 3/5 - There are a number of grammar errors, though most of them fall into the "style" category, so an average score.
Characterization: 4/10 - Not bad, but far too generic. None of your characters have names except for Joan, despite playing important roles. If your characters are nameless, then there haves to be some other means to distinguish them. Unfortunately, there is nothing for us to grab ahold of beyond "the knight."
Plot/Structure: 3/10 - In the end, this was a character sketch. And then we don't know much about him anyways. The story began with the world "at rest." Granted, it's a bloody and chaotic rest, but nothing happened to turn the scenery into plot.
Style: 3/10: Passive voice abounds! Even your first line, the sentence that is supposed to grab our attention, is passive. "The cry was heard across the battlefield." Either have someone cry, or have someone hear it, rather than an amorphous noun not claimed by any subject or direct object. Also, watch your use of "the ____."
The knight turned to see the nurse holding the red bandages that had held her wounds together for the battle. Each of those "the's" is a chance for you to describe something. Also, your pronouns are ambiguous. If none of your characters have names, throwing "her" and "he" must be done carefully.
Creativity: 2/10 - There isn't a whole lot going on in this story, just us watching Joan through a nameless knight's eyes.
Total: 18
Through the line he overheard many conversations
it was spelled "overhead".
I really enjoyed the story, though. Great job!!
I love you Krashbot!
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By diablos_flame
The light, the heat . . . I am complete . . .
Comments
This is an interesting scene, but it's not a story. Short stories can be very short – check out Richard Matheson's "Lemmings" in the Shock I collection for a good example – but there's still got to be the bare minimum of a story in that tight fit. This is well-written, but it feels cut from a much larger manuscript.
For the knight's realization that he must love Joan only as a commander and soldier loves duty and honor, you need a lot more development of the relationship between the two. Otherwise, it's too slight. Much of the recounting of the battle sounded a bit too Wiki-fresh, while smaller details were absent. You don't need to tell me every detail about appearances and the location, but a few help the reader's mind fill in the rest.
0-5 Adherence to Prompt: This isn't just "Is Joan of Arc in the story." This is "Does she seem like Joan of Arc?" Historical innacuracies will come out of here, though I'll likely be the only one to dock for that.
4
A good, strong Joan in her historical mileau. Would have liked to have seen more of her.
0-5 Spelling and Grammar: Sefl-esplanator.y Don't neglect this - Scavenger had a few spelling errors, and lost last round by half a point. These are not hard points to get, so don't take them for granted.
3
Nice. Structurally, it's a good idea to break up paragraphs where more than one character is speaking dialogue. Not a hard and fast rule, but a good one for my money. It does need a copyedit, though, and that will always kill you.
0-10 Characterization: How well are your characters (all of them) developed? Are they believable? Do they come alive to the readers, or are they just flat archetypes?
3
A bit more development of the knight and his admiration for Joan before the "St. Crispin's Day Speech" would have helped justify the end and make it stronger. His final line would have been more powerful if delivered to another character, perhaps even Joan herself (presumably followed by a rebuke) instead of as internal monologue. Unfortunately, I didn't know the knight long enough to care about his feelings, except as a random representative of the army. Did he fight at her side? Did she, personally, save his life on the battlefield? Does he think that they have a connection that no one else can see? Is he a stalker?
0-10 Plot and Structure: Does everything flow well? Does the story make coherant sense? Do we care about what happens, at the same time as not being able to see everything coming?
4
The flow of the prose is very natural, and this vignette is well structured. It just doesn't feel like there's quite enough there to be a story. Yet. It didn't feel quite like you cared that much, either – the somewhat rote facts I mentioned earlier showed that.
0-10 Style: How effective your words are. How well you use symbolism, imagery, voice, and all those other mystical writing concepts.
6
Very nice imagery. Writing a speech like Joan's is not easy to pull off without sounding contrived, and you managed it nicely. The style fit the tone and the period, artfully dodging many anachronism.
0-10 Creativity: Just because you have to use a well-documented historical figure, doesn't mean you can't be creative about it.
3
From my poorly researched vantage point, this is a retelling of history or at least representative of history. The creative twist happens at the very end—this knight loves the unattainable Joan—and then it's over. It's too slight, and could easily have been expanded to show more of your creativity and still fit within the contest requirements.
Total: 23