This is the first chapter of a book I'm currently writing. I've never written a book and this is my first attempt, so I want to know if it flows, is it long or short(this is only the first chapter). Any comments would be welcomed. Thanks.
Ronan
Chapter 1
The storm didn’t seem to want to let up anytime soon, pouring down gallons upon gallons of water on the streets of Nazareth. Running down the dark rat infested alley, she turns one corner then another until she finally slows down, not stopping completely for she is afraid of being seen, and she frequently checks her bag to ensure she hadn’t dropped anything that was inside. After a few more corners and doors she finds what she is searching for, a white door that shall lead to her cause. She is soaking wet from the rain and running through dozens of puddles that littered the allies. Anyone who is apart of the local crime syndicate knows what to look for when standing in front of this particular door, yet for Edina Llywn standing in front of this door was like learning a new language, hard and complicated at first but after a few tries you get the hang of it. Etched on the white door is a riddle and every night the riddle is different yet is the answer is always the same:
I am more valuable than life, yet I am worth nothing. What am I?
She thinks about the riddle but already knowing the answer she places her hand upon the door and speaks, ‘Fools Gold.’ The white door opens slowly, creaking and moaning to reveal a small dimly lit room, with no windows and no other doors. In the middle of the room are an old wooden table and an old wooden chair. The room has neither a smell nor taste to it and felt calm, as if non existent. Upon the table is a single white candle, a bright blue flame dancing in the shadows. The white door closes behind her and she is left alone. Edina is nervous and uncertain of what to expect, even though she has visited this place once before. She heard of a man who, for the right price, could solve all of her problems. The first time she stood in front of the white door, she was completely lost, unsure of what to do with the question put forth before her. It wasn’t until several days later that she finally realized what the riddle was and return to the white door. All she knew was to place her hand upon it and speak the answer. This visit was the same as her last, standing in a windowless room, waiting. He watched from above, in the shadows to make sure that no one had followed. To his surprised, as careful as she was, she had been followed, by two suspicious looking men dressed in black robes, most likely clerics of a local cult looking to persecute someone in the name of their god. He watched as they moved towards the door in curiosity. Upon reaching the door they began to speak to one another, most likely about the peculiar question upon the door. From his vantage point he could not understand what they were speaking about but to Ronan, actions speak louder than words. The larger of the two clerics produced a small lock pick and began to work on the locks of the white door. Ronan knew that only magic could penetrate the door. It was at that point that he realized that these two men were not clerics at all but rather thieves looking for an easy target. Ronan stepped to the edge of the roof and dropped 25 feet landing on silent feet, if it’s a target they want it is not here. Both of the thieves were still hard at work picking the lock, not noticing the large man behind them. Ronan quickly but silently slipped behind the smaller thief and slit his throat with his small yet elaborate silver knife. By the time the larger thief realized that his partner was in need, it was too late. The crimson blade of the knife had already tasted its second victim. The large man didn’t die as quickly as his partner, he grasp his throat trying to staunch the bleeding. Life slowly faded, the last vision of his life was of a large man cleaning a small knife, wearing an all black leather suit with a cruel and wicked smile. Edina looked to the door as it opened slowly, clutching her bag closer. She looked at the man that she only knows as Ronan, not sure if she can trust him and not sure if she wants to trust him. ‘I have the gold that you asked for’ she said, not sure of what to do or say in this situation. Ronan looks the young woman over and realizes that she is scared and nervous, and that she obviously doesn’t associate herself with criminal elements. He puts his hand out and she hands him the bag, he empties the contents on the wooden table. He counts to himself; there are 200 gold crowns in all. ‘How, did you acquire all of this gold in such a short amount of time?’ he asked. ‘It’s from my savings over the past couple of seasons; I’ve also been working odd jobs around the docks.’ ‘You must think of me as a fool?’ he says while looking the young women in the eyes. ‘I do not understand.’ Edina’s voice is low and shaky. ‘Maybe you would understand me better if you would listen and speak truthfully.’ ‘I am listening and I told you that the gold is from my savings and that is the truth. I did not steal it if that is what you are implying.’ ‘I do not imply and I think your hair is covering your ears and that you cannot understand me. Now speak the truth elf, where did you get the gold?’ Edina is stunned and has obviously underestimated the man. She slowly pulled her dark black hair back, revealing a pair of pointed elf ears. ‘What gave me away?’ she asked. ‘Most people in this part of the city would never see this much gold in 10 life times and some how you get it in less a week.’ ‘I see. I’ll have to be more careful next time’ she says, hoping that there will be no need for a next time. ‘Good, now speak the truth from here on out or our agreement is done.’ ‘A lot of people say that you are the best assassin that the city of Nazareth has to offer and I need only the best to do this job.’ ‘Don’t always believe what you hear.’ ‘So are you are saying that you cannot handle this job? Maybe I should go elsewhere?’ ‘I can handle any job as long as the pay is right, so tell me what the name of the man is that you want me to kill?’ She pauses for a moment and says ‘His name is Peter Von Frantz….. but I think you call him king.’
Chapter 1
I am more valuable than life, yet I am worth nothing.
What am I?
She thinks about the riddle but already knowing the answer she places her hand upon the door and speaks, ‘Fools Gold.’
The white door opens slowly, creaking and moaning to reveal a small dimly lit room, with no windows and no other doors. In the middle of the room are an old wooden table and an old wooden chair. The room has neither a smell nor taste to it and felt calm, as if non existent. Upon the table is a single white candle, a bright blue flame dancing in the shadows. The white door closes behind her and she is left alone. Edina is nervous and uncertain of what to expect, even though she has visited this place once before. She heard of a man who, for the right price, could solve all of her problems. The first time she stood in front of the white door, she was completely lost, unsure of what to do with the question put forth before her. It wasn’t until several days later that she finally realized what the riddle was and return to the white door. All she knew was to place her hand upon it and speak the answer. This visit was the same as her last, standing in a windowless room, waiting.
He watched from above, in the shadows to make sure that no one had followed. To his surprised, as careful as she was, she had been followed, by two suspicious looking men dressed in black robes, most likely clerics of a local cult looking to persecute someone in the name of their god. He watched as they moved towards the door in curiosity. Upon reaching the door they began to speak to one another, most likely about the peculiar question upon the door. From his vantage point he could not understand what they were speaking about but to Ronan, actions speak louder than words. The larger of the two clerics produced a small lock pick and began to work on the locks of the white door. Ronan knew that only magic could penetrate the door. It was at that point that he realized that these two men were not clerics at all but rather thieves looking for an easy target. Ronan stepped to the edge of the roof and dropped 25 feet landing on silent feet, if it’s a target they want it is not here. Both of the thieves were still hard at work picking the lock, not noticing the large man behind them. Ronan quickly but silently slipped behind the smaller thief and slit his throat with his small yet elaborate silver knife. By the time the larger thief realized that his partner was in need, it was too late. The crimson blade of the knife had already tasted its second victim. The large man didn’t die as quickly as his partner, he grasp his throat trying to staunch the bleeding. Life slowly faded, the last vision of his life was of a large man cleaning a small knife, wearing an all black leather suit with a cruel and wicked smile.
Edina looked to the door as it opened slowly, clutching her bag closer. She looked at the man that she only knows as Ronan, not sure if she can trust him and not sure if she wants to trust him.
‘I have the gold that you asked for’ she said, not sure of what to do or say in this situation.
Ronan looks the young woman over and realizes that she is scared and nervous, and that she obviously doesn’t associate herself with criminal elements. He puts his hand out and she hands him the bag, he empties the contents on the wooden table. He counts to himself; there are 200 gold crowns in all.
‘How, did you acquire all of this gold in such a short amount of time?’ he asked.
‘It’s from my savings over the past couple of seasons; I’ve also been working odd jobs around the docks.’
‘You must think of me as a fool?’ he says while looking the young women in the eyes.
‘I do not understand.’ Edina’s voice is low and shaky.
‘Maybe you would understand me better if you would listen and speak truthfully.’
‘I am listening and I told you that the gold is from my savings and that is the truth. I did not steal it if that is what you are implying.’
‘I do not imply and I think your hair is covering your ears and that you cannot understand me. Now speak the truth elf, where did you get the gold?’
Edina is stunned and has obviously underestimated the man. She slowly pulled her dark black hair back, revealing a pair of pointed elf ears.
‘What gave me away?’ she asked.
‘Most people in this part of the city would never see this much gold in 10 life times and some how you get it in less a week.’
‘I see. I’ll have to be more careful next time’ she says, hoping that there will be no need for a next time.
‘Good, now speak the truth from here on out or our agreement is done.’
‘A lot of people say that you are the best assassin that the city of Nazareth has to offer and I need only the best to do this job.’
‘Don’t always believe what you hear.’
‘So are you are saying that you cannot handle this job? Maybe I should go elsewhere?’
‘I can handle any job as long as the pay is right, so tell me what the name of the man is that you want me to kill?’
She pauses for a moment and says ‘His name is Peter Von Frantz….. but I think you call him king.’
Ronan is already the title of a book by Anne McAfree though.