Terra, of only 18, has trouble coping with her mother's death. She has constant nightmares of that night when dark creatures and strange looking people barging into her home as a baby and demanding her mother for the "V.I.A.L." The next thing she knew, loud gunshots rang through the house and her mother fell to the floor staring at her with wide-eyes and a bloody mouth.
Since then, Terra has been embarking on a journey to figure out the truth of her mother's death and the story behind it. Searching the land and embarking on the journey, she plans to avenge her mother's death so she can put her soul to rest.
Along the way, Terra encounters a couple of friends. She immediently thinks that she's seen them before, but they repeatedly say that they never knew her.
Not knowing the truth, Terra's greatest friends may just be her greatest enemies.
[this is an intro. to my story that I'm just now starting to write. I need some constructive critism on what you think and if it makes you interested in wanting to know the rest.]
I think it sounds like a really good premise. Good luck, I'd love to read it.
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Since it's still a little too early for criticism (sp?) I'll give a little advice. The one thing that would make this story really good is great characterization. The one thing I love about great works of fiction are excellent characters.
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I elect Soul_Grind for New Next TNA Mystery Amazing Super Writer of the week (for a day or two). I expect TNA to evolve into an entertaining circus/carnival under your leadership.
(\_/) () ()
(O.o) ( '.' )
(> <) (''')(''')
Put these 2 bunnies in your sig to help them on their quest for the tag team championship
A lot of people are like that. I see it all the time. I and a lot of others care though. We can't wait for what is surely going to be an excellent story.:D
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I elect Soul_Grind for New Next TNA Mystery Amazing Super Writer of the week (for a day or two). I expect TNA to evolve into an entertaining circus/carnival under your leadership.
(\_/) () ()
(O.o) ( '.' )
(> <) (''')(''')
Put these 2 bunnies in your sig to help them on their quest for the tag team championship
If you would like some criticism, I'm not sure how necessary that line regarding Terra encountering friends is... that could be something that is just embedded into the story and serves as a plot hook.
Other than that, looks like a decent intro!
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Thanks to Alacar Leoricar -
Former R&D Development Team W leader
A couple of things to touch on - how does she remember what happened to her as a baby? Do these visions come to her in dreams, or is it something that sticks with her during her waking hours. As an infant memories such as this are more apt to be part of the subconcious, wheras if the child was in the toddler stage she would be able to remember things more vividly. Also, it would be more correct to say either "so that her mother can rest in peace" or "so that her mother's soul can be put to rest" as the coffin itself has already been buried for ~18 years - the mother should be the focus of that scentence. Also, the phrase "she plans to avenge those who took part in her mother's death" is incorrect, as the mother is the one being avenged, not the killers.
I don't want any of that to come across as harsh or discouraging- the English teacher in me just pulls out the red pen once in a while... I think that this is a very promising idea, and if you need anyone to help look over things I will be happy to do so.
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@Argus: I think I'm going to keep the "Terra encountering friends" idea in the intro, because the very last sentence of the last paragraph kinda makes you want to read more. Well, without mentioning even a little about her encountering friends, that last paragraph throws you off and you get confused already. If more people complain about it then I'll look over it and think of something else.
@Dragonstar: No need to worry about sounding harsh. I'm hoping to get this published in real life one day and I don't think publishers are gonna care if I'm sweet,cute, or if they're being too harsh. If I want this book published and it to sell, then I need great critism. Thanks, and I've fixed it up. Tell me if it still needs more. I'll be starting on the story once I get home. The process will be going real slow since I have school starting the 9th of this month.
The only real part I dont get, is, Terra has no background, sure the book can start out with the event of her mothers death, but readers would be uninformed of Terra's childhood wich would mean that readers would have no background of her childhood and would be at a loss to her train of thought and actual normal behavior, also readers would get afforemented with the character and have a sense of familiarity with her, so that they can see and contemplate descions that she makes throught the course of the novel/story.
The beginning of this book will start out with Terra as a baby and her mother still alive. Most likely, the first chapter will be all about it. It'll end at the start of chapter two and chapter two skips all the way when she's 18. Don't worry, Terra's childhood is all going to be in Chapter 1!!
[this is an intro. to my story that I'm just now starting to write. I need some constructive critism on what you think and if it makes you interested in wanting to know the rest.]
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Other than that, looks like a decent intro!
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I don't want any of that to come across as harsh or discouraging- the English teacher in me just pulls out the red pen once in a while... I think that this is a very promising idea, and if you need anyone to help look over things I will be happy to do so.
[thread=46682][Card Creation][/thread][thread=47388][[/thread][thread=61610]Magic Coffeehouse][/thread][thread=59279][Natural 20][/thread][thread=48171][I Want Your Foil Elves!][/thread]
@Argus: I think I'm going to keep the "Terra encountering friends" idea in the intro, because the very last sentence of the last paragraph kinda makes you want to read more. Well, without mentioning even a little about her encountering friends, that last paragraph throws you off and you get confused already. If more people complain about it then I'll look over it and think of something else.
@Dragonstar: No need to worry about sounding harsh. I'm hoping to get this published in real life one day and I don't think publishers are gonna care if I'm sweet,cute, or if they're being too harsh. If I want this book published and it to sell, then I need great critism. Thanks, and I've fixed it up. Tell me if it still needs more. I'll be starting on the story once I get home. The process will be going real slow since I have school starting the 9th of this month.
I love you Krashbot!
My H/W List/Coffeehouse/Psychic Graphics/Go Extendo!
Just a thought
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My H/W List/Coffeehouse/Psychic Graphics/Go Extendo!