Comments: Normally I hate to use phrases like “a crackling good yarn” to describe a story, but damn. This was just pure fun, and the synchronization of your two storylines gave it a really nice punch at the end. The whole thing felt like reading a comic book without the pictures- you have a knack for giving the exact amount of description needed to orient the reader without bogging the scene. Places to work on: the conversations between Lucy and Dr. Stevenson feel really forced and stilted in some places, particularly when they’re talking about sex. It feels as though that scene is in there just to cause a little titillation, rather than having any actual contribution to the story. If you trimmed the fat in those scenes and replaced it with something more constructive, like telling more specifically what the Commonwealth is about or describing Lucy’s training, this story seems really publishable. You dog.
Adherence to Prompt: 5
Spelling and Grammar: 5
Characterization: 9
Plot and Structure: 8
Style: 9
Creativity: 9
Total: 45
Responding: (as that's just what I do) the sex talk was there as a means for Lucy to progress to adding gender to her self image. Perhaps it is overemphasized though, I'll have a look. As for what to emphasize more, her training might be good, but I'd prefer to leave the Commonwealth more of a mystery; the story isn't about that.
Um... I really must protest getting docked on Characterization on those grounds, as she does fulfill the definition of 'antihero' given for this contest. You compare her to James Bond... Bond was an example MoFo and I actually AGREED UPON as an anti-hero, for this contest, so that doesn't seem like a particularly fair place to dock.
And the POV never switches to Dr. Stevenson... what makes you think it does? That's just nitpicky tho
I must agree with VestDan, as an avid reader of his work. I hope I am not out of place asking for a judge's clarification (especially as it's not even my story).
Lucifer's assassination was not completed against Choi. However, because of conflicting information, she killed Pemberly, who she was supposed to save. She is a tragic hero because she was doing what she was supposed to be doing.
Just from dictionary.com:
"a literary character who makes an error of judgment or has a fatal flaw that, combined with fate and external forces, brings on a tragedy."
Her judgment error was in the conflicting information of the Shadow Empire which led to the death of Pemberly and her own reprogramming.
As for the "I" to "Lucifer" (if that's what you meant), we don't need that, as her name is Lucifer, which she referred to herself as earlier, but she finally started using "I" in the first flashback.
And I, too, wanted to ask VestDan's other question: When does the story turn to Dr. Stevenson's point of view?
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Dominian Scholar of the Old Guard, specializing in pre-revisionist (Armada comics) and revisionist (Brothers' War through Apocalypse)history
First of all a general comment. This is an excellent story, that is well-told and dang-near professional quality. You should take this story and submit it to a professional magazine. It is as good if not better than stories I have read in Analog or Asimovs.
Okay, onto the scores. I'm trying to be a little more critical of the prompt points than I was last time. I had not realized how important they were to these contests.
Adherance: 4. While it is not told linearly, the majority of the story is told llinearly. Only the subplot is told backwards. I actually think it might have been more interesting if the subplot had been told completely out of sequence. Not a major ding, but there you are.
Spelling/Grammar: 4. I reserve 5s for perfection and this is damn near, but there were a few minor typos and sentences that were unclear as written.
Character: 6. I had scored this before I read the other comments, but I did so for the same reason as som others. She's an assassin, so her actions are not unduly violent for her character. I did not see her as a tragic hero for her actions. However, she is somewhat tragic in that her own rise to conciousness led to her death (I assume) at the end. But you didn't play this part up enough. We needed to see her inner debate about the evilness of men and her decision to not be evil, which leads to her downfall as an assassin. Assassins by nature must be evil. She, it turns out, is not. If this had been more prominent in the story, I would have given you a higher score here.
Plot/Structure: 9. Again, dang near perfect. I would have preferred the subplot out of sequence entirely, but that's just me. I could easily follow both stories and that's the important thing.
Style: 10. Nothing to say here. You have developed a wonderful style and I don't think I can give you any pointers.
Creativity: 6. I'm sorry, but even though I love stories told in two time frames where we learn the history of the character at the same time as we learn how that history affects the character's dilemma, this is, in fact, a tried and true framework for telling a story out of sequence. It just isn't that original. You did it well and I think it was perfect for this story. But as to how creative it was for the prompt, I think it falls short.
First of all a general comment. This is an excellent story, that is well-told and dang-near professional quality. You should take this story and submit it to a professional magazine. It is as good if not better than stories I have read in Analog or Asimovs.
I don't care if I win now. This is exactly what I hoped against hope to hear, here, heh. Do you have any suggestions for what publications it would fit? Any changes that should be made before submission?
I would suggest trying for the top of the heap first. If you make it there you don't have to work your way up later. Try Asimov's or Fantasy and Science Fiction. I think it's not got enough hard SF content to get into Analog. If you get rejected there, try Realms of Fantasy. You can also check the Ralan's guide (google ralan anthology) to see if you can find an open call for anthologies where this story might place.
Make sure you tell them that it has appeared online in a contest. Some editors will want to know that a story has been "published" before (and posting it online does count because people have public access to the story).
Good luck.
Will
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Comments: Normally I hate to use phrases like “a crackling good yarn” to describe a story, but damn. This was just pure fun, and the synchronization of your two storylines gave it a really nice punch at the end. The whole thing felt like reading a comic book without the pictures- you have a knack for giving the exact amount of description needed to orient the reader without bogging the scene. Places to work on: the conversations between Lucy and Dr. Stevenson feel really forced and stilted in some places, particularly when they’re talking about sex. It feels as though that scene is in there just to cause a little titillation, rather than having any actual contribution to the story. If you trimmed the fat in those scenes and replaced it with something more constructive, like telling more specifically what the Commonwealth is about or describing Lucy’s training, this story seems really publishable. You dog.
Adherence to Prompt: 5
Spelling and Grammar: 5
Characterization: 9
Plot and Structure: 8
Style: 9
Creativity: 9
Total: 45
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And the POV never switches to Dr. Stevenson... what makes you think it does? That's just nitpicky tho
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Lucifer's assassination was not completed against Choi. However, because of conflicting information, she killed Pemberly, who she was supposed to save. She is a tragic hero because she was doing what she was supposed to be doing.
Just from dictionary.com:
"a literary character who makes an error of judgment or has a fatal flaw that, combined with fate and external forces, brings on a tragedy."
Her judgment error was in the conflicting information of the Shadow Empire which led to the death of Pemberly and her own reprogramming.
As for the "I" to "Lucifer" (if that's what you meant), we don't need that, as her name is Lucifer, which she referred to herself as earlier, but she finally started using "I" in the first flashback.
And I, too, wanted to ask VestDan's other question: When does the story turn to Dr. Stevenson's point of view?
Okay, onto the scores. I'm trying to be a little more critical of the prompt points than I was last time. I had not realized how important they were to these contests.
Adherance: 4. While it is not told linearly, the majority of the story is told llinearly. Only the subplot is told backwards. I actually think it might have been more interesting if the subplot had been told completely out of sequence. Not a major ding, but there you are.
Spelling/Grammar: 4. I reserve 5s for perfection and this is damn near, but there were a few minor typos and sentences that were unclear as written.
Character: 6. I had scored this before I read the other comments, but I did so for the same reason as som others. She's an assassin, so her actions are not unduly violent for her character. I did not see her as a tragic hero for her actions. However, she is somewhat tragic in that her own rise to conciousness led to her death (I assume) at the end. But you didn't play this part up enough. We needed to see her inner debate about the evilness of men and her decision to not be evil, which leads to her downfall as an assassin. Assassins by nature must be evil. She, it turns out, is not. If this had been more prominent in the story, I would have given you a higher score here.
Plot/Structure: 9. Again, dang near perfect. I would have preferred the subplot out of sequence entirely, but that's just me. I could easily follow both stories and that's the important thing.
Style: 10. Nothing to say here. You have developed a wonderful style and I don't think I can give you any pointers.
Creativity: 6. I'm sorry, but even though I love stories told in two time frames where we learn the history of the character at the same time as we learn how that history affects the character's dilemma, this is, in fact, a tried and true framework for telling a story out of sequence. It just isn't that original. You did it well and I think it was perfect for this story. But as to how creative it was for the prompt, I think it falls short.
Total: 39
I don't care if I win now. This is exactly what I hoped against hope to hear, here, heh. Do you have any suggestions for what publications it would fit? Any changes that should be made before submission?
Trades
Articles
Winner of SSC 1 & ">3 & 6
Make sure you tell them that it has appeared online in a contest. Some editors will want to know that a story has been "published" before (and posting it online does count because people have public access to the story).
Good luck.
Will