Tel-Jilad Squirrel helped me write this. This is a Diablo parody. For all of you that play Diablo, I'm sure you'll like it
Bob and Chippy's Excellent Adventure
By Jarred and Mike The Great
Disclaimer: We do not own Diablo 2, the Men in Black, any Nintendo character that appears in this story, or Microsoft. We do not own Froot Loops cereal either. If you want to talk to us meet us in the middle of Lake Erie without a boat.
It all started in the Rogue Encampment. The rogues had been driven out of the respective Monastery. The forces of hell had been dwelling in this monastery for quite some time and I was the hero that was to release the rogue’s from the demon’s grip.
Of course I didn’t know all of that. I was walking around the forest one day when I saw a smoke rising in the east. Little did I know what I was getting into.
“That must me a forest fire. I need to put it out,” I though to myself. That was me. I always thought of the forest before myself. That is because my life revolves around the forest and all the animals (especially the squirrel) in the forest. My squirrel friend Chippy and I decided to put out the fire. I dashed over but it was dark and soon I ran into these huge vertically stacked logs.
“Wow, I never saw that before,” I said to Chippy.
Chippy looked at me and squeaked, “What is this? It is from the spawns of evil I tell you. Yes it is. I swear. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes it is. I, I, I, know it is.”
“ Chippy did you take your medication this morning?”
“Noooooooo...,”
“Well you should try to remember. I don’t like it very much when you shake and have seizures. Anyway, lets go check ths fire out.”
We walked until the end of the wall where we reached a gap in the wall. I rushed forward and banged my head off another wall. Then we went trough another gap into the center of a village.
This village was newly constructed it seemed because none of the druids seemed to know about it. Mostly everything that goes on in the forest us druid know about.
I started conversing with the locals. There were many merchants around the town. Akara, Gheed, Warriv, and my favorite Charsi. I was shopping at Charsi’s shop one day. She was personalizing a sword for me and instead of putting my name on it she wrote “Love You, Charsi.”
“What the?” I said. I was really angry at her for messing with my sword.
“What is wrong with it? There is nothing wrong with it. It is a perfect example of love. I love you and there is nothing wrong with that,” Charsi said.
“My sword is my sword. You’re supposed to personalize it in my name not yours.”
“But it’s with love.”
“Well good bye now,” I said. I left in a hurry. I grabbed my sword and dashed off. I walked over to Akara.
“I do not trust you. You must complete my quest in order to obtain my trust. There is a place that is just outside this place and it is called the Den of Evil. It is filled with bad things that go boo. You must kill them until they are dead. Then return to me for some special treatment,” said Akara.
I gave her a funny look. and asked, “Is there any maps around here? I might get lost.”
Akara replied in tune, “No just follow the tan sandy road.. Follow, follow, follow, follow, follow the tan sandy road. Oui!”
I ran away in terror of the old lady’s voice. It sounded like 10 howler monkeys. Soon I came across the Den of Evil. I knew it was the Den of Evil because it said “Den of Evil, Casino Hall here!”
Chippy the squirrel asked, “Can we go gambling. Please please please please please please please please please?”
I replied “NO I’M BROKE.”
“Well then you should get fixed. Is there a human repair shop around here? Huh, Huh, Huh?”
“Chippy did you take your medicine this morning?”
“Maybe..... Yes.....No.”
“Well you really should start to. Let’s investigate.” We walked into the Den of Evil. The Den of Evil was the worst casino hall of casino gambling. There was only one slot machine. There was a huge line of monsters waiting to use it. Unfortunately the stupid brute at the front didn’t have any money and he was trying to jam a rock into the slot. After staring at them for a while I cast molten boulder. It plowed through all of them until it killed them dead. After I killed all of them a zombie named Corpsefire appeared out of thin air.
“What...have...you...done...to...my...customers?” he said slower than a turtle.
“Ummm...,” Chippy said before he took a large rock and beat him to death.
I took a town portal and went back to town. There Akara said, “Good Job! You will know receive your choice of these two things: Special treatment or a skill point.”
“I think I’ll take the skill point,” I said backing up slowly and then madly dashing toward my corner of the camp. On my way back we met up with Kashya. She told us to kill Blood Raven until she remembered that Blood Raven was dead. She pointed over to Gheed and next to him was a pink puffball and a necromancer. I went over there and listened.
“Are you sure you don’t have any guns?” said the pink puffball.
“What’s a gun, and what are they for?” Gheed questioned.
“THIS,” the puffball said, pulling a strange metal wand out and using it to shoot small metal things at Gheed and killing him. There was much rejoicing.
“Hello, my name is Bob and this is my sidekick, Chippy the squirrel.,” I said.
“Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi.” Chippy said.
“He has a condition.” I whispered to the puffball.
“OK, my name is Kirby. And this necromancer’s name is hehehe...BETTY!,” the pufball said as he began laughing.
“Well, do you want to help us kill Diablo and his minions of terror and bad sitcoms,” Chippy asked Kirby as he jumped up and down.
Suddenly, Akara ran up to us yelling, “Hey, I have a quest for you. Go rescue my love monkey, errrr, I mean good friend, Deckard Cain. Here are your mission objectives.
1. Go to the Dark Woods and retrieve the Scroll of Jim-Bob Jenkins.
2. Give the Scroll of Jim-Bob Jenkins to me to translate.
3. Go to the Stoned Field and touch the Cairn Stones in the order I put on the scroll.
4. Go to Tristram, and rescue Deckard Cain.
That is your mission, should you choose to accept it.”
“Ok, let’s go!” Kirby said. He pulled out a small magic box and pressed a couple of buttons. It rang suddenly, a voice was heard over the box.
“Its-a me, Mario!” the box said.
“Come over here and take us to the Dark Woods,” Kirby shouted into the box.
Minutes later, a giant flying machine flew over here. A weird person with a red hat that had a M on it, a red shirt, and overalls was inside it. “Hop in,” Kirby said. So we hopped inside. The machine flew us to the Dark Woods. He dropped us off at the Tree of Jim-Bob Jenkins.
“Thanks for the ride, person,” I said as I climbed out. Nearby the tree was three brutes having a tea party. One was named Treehead Woodfist. He was in a pink dress. We snuck by them and took the Scroll of Jim-Bob Jenkins. We opened a town portal and went to Akara. She translated the Scroll of Jim-Bob Jenkins into Spanish, which the necromancer surprisingly understood. We then walked to the Stoned Fields. Soon, we found the Cairn Stones it was guarded by a unique Carver named Rakanishu. Betty said, “Stand back, I’ll summon a golem.”
Betty began to focus her, I mean his energy. Soon a golem began to rise from the ground. It was a golem made entirely out of cheese. The cheese golem killed Rakanishu. Then Betty looked away from the golem. Kirby ate the golem. Betty looked back at where the golem was.
“What? This always happens. I look away for one second, and my golem disappears,” Betty said, starting to cry.
“It’s ok Betty, I’m sure you’ll find another golem to take its place,” said Kirby with a voice filled with fake compassion. Chippy and I just stared. After a few moments of grieving by Betty over the loss of his good friend, the cheese golem, Betty read the Scroll of Jim-Bob Jenkins out loud.
“First take a squirrel, stuff it your pants, then run around the Cairn Stones in a circle while shouting ‘CHEESE!’ at the top of your lungs. Then the portal to Tristram will open. Pay the doorman 25 cents to pass through the portal and arrive in beautiful Tristram, the cheese and beer capital of Sanctuary,” Betty read directly from the scroll.
“A squirrel? Where the heck are we going to find a... oh crap,” Chippy said as all eyes turned to him.
Moments later, Chippy’s voice could be heard from deep within the depth’s of Betty’s pants saying, “This is really uncomfortable.”
“And you think I’m enjoying this. Now shut up while I preform the spell,” Betty said as he took a deep breath.
“CHEESE!” Betty shouted as he ran around the Cairn Stones. Soon the sky grew dark, and clouds began to cover the sky. Lightning shot down and struck the Cairn Stones. Then a group of guys with shirts that said Stage Crew that were carrying a red portal ran out into the middle of the Cairn Stones and set the portal into the middle of the stones. Then, the doorman appeared.
“Alright, chop chop. Pay me 25 cents and let us get this over with.” the doorman, who was a Fallen with a bellboy uniform on, said. I dug into my pocket and pulled out a
quarter. I handed the doorman the quarter and the group stepped in front of the portal.
“ Now how does this work?” Kirby asked.
“Like this!” said the bellboy. He stood behind us and shoved us into the portal.
We arrived in Tristram. We realized that all the rubble of the old buildings had been shoved into the middle of the city and formed into a building. We walked into the building and saw everyone disco dancing. Deckard Cain was suspended in the middle of the floor wearing a shiny suit with lights reflecting off of him. After a while of staring at Deckard Cain, we killed all the monsters. Deckard Cain walked up to us.
“Why did you kill my employers?”
“Employers!?!” I said.
“Yes they paid me a good amount if I was the disco ball. They would let me live.”
“But now they’re dead. You don’t have to worry.”
“That mans I’m going to die. I no longer am their disco ball. Plus, you guys took away my shiny suit...”
I opened a town portal and shoved him through it. I was tired of listening to his rambling about his...job. Yes, I think that’s it.
The town portal closed behind us. Stupid Deckard Cain. So we went back to the portal that we used to come to Tristram. The doorman stood in our way.
“Please allow us to pass,” I said. “No can do buck-o. I need another 25 cents in order to let you pass,” the doorman said. So we walked around town until we saw a really fat zombie named Griswold playing chess with a rock.
“Hey, zombie dude. If you move your rook three spaces forward, you’ll put the rock in checkmate,” Chippy said. The zombie moved his rook three spaces forward.
“CHECKMATE!” Griswold shouted! He then picked the rock up and pulled a quarter out from beneath it.
“Here you go squirrel dude. You can have the quarter that the rock bet on that game of chess because you told me the winning move,” Griswold said as he gave Chippy the quarter. So we took the quarter back to the doorman and the doorman pushed us back through the portal. After arriving back at the Stoned Field, we walked back to the Rouge Encampment.
When we got back to the Rouge Encampment, we went to Akara. “As a reward here are some Froot Loop Decoder Rings. They will give you 0.5 to all stats.”
We then went to Charsi to have her repair our weapons and armor. While there, Charsi told us all about her hammer, the Horadric Malus.
“The Horadric Malus is a magical hammer that I got by sending in 100 box tops and $2.95 to Froot Loops. It arrived in the mail 2-6 business weeks later. It can imbue your weapons with the ability to do 10-20 Lactose Damage. But I left it at the monastery when we ran away from Andariel. Could you go get it back for me. It is in the barracks, being guarded by the Smith, but I’m sure a big, strong, hot druid like you could kill it, Bob,” Charsi said.
“Umm... OK,” I said. We finished having our weapons repaired and started walking towards the Monastery. On the way there a strange metal ship carrying a giant turtle with spikes on its shell crashed. The giant turtle thing crawled out of the wreckage and roared.
“I am BOWSER, THE UNBEATABLE KOOPA KING,” the turtle thing shouted, “All who oppose me shall be roasted to a golden brown color and be eaten!”
“Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi,” Chippy shouted. The turtle thing stared at Chippy.
“I shall roast you all and eat you! Because I’m hungry!” Bowser shouted. He was about to roast us with fire breath when the strange metal ship that the red-hatted, overall-wearing, mustached Italian plumber was driving crashed into him and knocked him into the sky.
“Looks like Team Rocket is blasting off again... no wait... I will defeat you Goku... no wait wrong line again.... Let’s Duel!... ARGH!!!!....TO INFINITY AND BEYOND!... NO THAT WAS THE WRONG LINE AGAIN!!!” Bowser shouted before he disappeared into the sky as a shining star. Then the metal thing that hit him’s lights began to blink as it backed up. Then it flew of into the sky. Then it fell from the sky after it hit a flying duck, and it crashed into Microsoft headquarters of Sanctuary, preventing X-Box from ever being sold in Sanctuary. There was a big party. Then we resumed our quest.
After two hours of walking and listening to Chippy’s constant rambling, we finally reached the Monastery. Then it was another two hours of walking and fighting monsters before we found the Smith.
“Hello. I am the Smith. I want to be governor of California. What can I do for you,” the Smith said in a thick Austrian accent.
“We’re here to take the Horadric Malus back to Charsi,” Betty said.
“Well here it is. You can just take it. And take this free gold as well,” the Smith said.
“Nice try you foul beast, but I won’t fall for your tricks. Hand over the Horadric Malus you son-of-a-telemarketer,” Kirby shouted.
“Why you little... my mother was not a telemarketer. I will kill you all for that remark.” the Smith shouted.
“Oh crap. See what you did Kirby. You made him mad.” I said.
The Smith took out a very big metal wand and pulled a trigger. A lot of small metal round things began to shoot out of the tip. We all hid.
“I can take him,” Kirby said. Kirby then pulled his guns out. He leaped into the air. Suddenly everything was moving in slow motion. Kirby was dodging the Smith’s bullets. Chippy started to sneeze. The kirby leapt into the air and started shooting at the Smith. A bunch of bullets hit the Smith. He fell down dead. Then everything went back into normal speed. Chippy finished sneezing.
“I’ll be back...” the Smith said as he died. We took the Horadric Malus and all the gold in the room. Then we went to the waypoint and teleported back to town. We gave Charsi the Horadric Malus.
“Thank you. Now I can imbue your weapons with the ability to do 10-20 Lactose damage.” Charsi said, staring at me.
“No thanks. That’s just stupid.” I said.
“You can imbue my gun if you want,” Kirby said. He handed Charsi his guns. She imbued them.
“Suddenly Deckard Cain ran up to us,” Chippy said out loud.
“What is that supposed to mean?” Betty asked.
“I was just reading a line from this piece of paper I found that says ‘Bob and Chippy’s Excellent Adventure- Script’” Chippy said.
Suddenly Deckard Cain ran up to us. “Guys, I have an urgent new quest for you to do. Plus, if you complete this quest, you get to go to Act Two!” Deckard Cain said.
“Give us the quest already you old coot,” Kirby said.
“I want you to go kill Andariel. She is hiding on the lowest level of the Catacombs. She is being guarded by an army of very powerful monsters. So go kill her. Now,” Deckard Cain said. So we went to the way point, fought our way through many boring monster until we reached level one of the Catacombs.
“Well, lets begin the long, hard climb down to Andariel,” Betty said.
“Or we could take Andariel’s secret elevator down to the final level of the catacombs,” Chippy said.
“And how are we supposed to find the secret elevator?” Betty asked.
“Well, according to my Diablo 2 Player’s Guide, the secret elevator is right beside the entrance to the Catacombs, with a big neon sign that says ‘Secret Elevator Here’ above it.” Chippy said.
We very quickly found the secret elevator. We took it down to Andariel’s lair.
Once down there we saw a huge horde of evil monsters. They were about to attack us when Kirby pulled out his magic box again.
“ I know! I’ll call the three clones of me from Kirby and the Amazing Mirror here to help us fight.” Kirby said. He pulled the magic box up to his ear. I could hear a voice coming out of it. “I’m sorry but you have gone way over your minutes, plus you’re roaming. If you wish to make a call, it will cost you $100,000,000. Press 1 to continue with your call.” a strange female voice said.
“OH GAWD D!” Kirby shouted.
“What the f, Kirby just beeped. Holy s, I beeped too. Huh? What the h is going on?” Chippy said.
Suddenly a man in a business suit appeared out of nowhere. “Hello, I am a lawyer. In order to keep this story at a PG-13 rating, we had to cut out all vulgar words. The only word you are allowed to say is ass, and only if you’re talking about a donkey.” he said before he disappeared in a puff of smoke.
“Story? What is that supposed to mean? To you guys think we’re all really characters in a story. Does that mean that our fates are all being controlled by some geeks at a computer typing a lame excuse of a fan fiction.” Betty said.
Suddenly, a bunch of metal things with wheels pulled up. A bunch of guys in suits with sunglasses stepped out and held up strange metal wand with a red light on the front.
“Everyone please look into this light,” one of the men in black suits said. Betty stared right at the light. Chippy, Kirby, and I looked away. We saw a bright light flash to our side. We looked back at Betty. She, I mean, he was staring into space.
“What was I talking about again?” Betty said.
“Nothing,” the men in black suits said.
The men in black left.
We started to slay the monsters with our pointy weapons. Betty summoned a cheese golem and it plowed through all of Andariel’s minions. Soon we reached the door into her room. We walked up to the door. It was one of those auto-open doors. They opened. Andariel was in there playing X-Box.
“She is evil,” Chippy whispered into my ear.
Andariel looked from her game of “Hero Hunter” and saw the cheese golem. Then she looked at Betty and said, “So, the rumors are true. There is a necromancer that can summon a being made from my only weakness.”
“What the F does that mean?” asked Chippy.
“See, great heroes, I’m LACTOSE-INTOLERANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Dun dun dun,” stated Andariel.
“Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo,” the cheeses golem said.
“You must die necromancer,” Andariel said as she threw a giant boulder at Betty. Then Kirby ate the cheese golem.
Kirby screamed,”Nooooooooooooooo!!!. That’s the last of the great-tasting cheese golems because Betty is dead. You die now B!”
Once again everything went in slow motion. Kirby pulled out his gun and shot a bullet made out of milk. The speeding bullet, going as fast as a speeding bullet in slow motion, pierced Andariel’s stomach.
“NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!,” Andariel shouted in slow motion. She melted into a pool of pudding. ( Author’s Note: I like pudding- Mike the Great) (Author’s Note: So do I- Jarred)
From the pool of pudding, I grabbed an amulent that gave 10 to my Bling-Bling. Chippy grabbed a spork that gave him 100 to Eating Skills.
“Kirby...” Betty said, who was apparently not quite dead.
Kirby said, “What is it Betty?”
“Take my...wand...the one in my hand.... it gives 3 to summon Cheese Golem...use it uhh.” Betty said as he finally died. (Author’s Note: We think he’s dead- Jarred)
“YES!” Kirby shouted as he took the wand from Betty’s cold, dead hands.
Moments later, after we had returned to camp, we prepared to leave with Warriv.
“Well, I need to get going. Nintendo needs me for some new game called ‘Paper Legend of Kirby Prime Country: Majora’s Ocarina of Wind Waker’s Mask.’ See you later.” Kirby said as he pulled out a new magic box. He pressed a button on this one and a flying star came down and picked him up. He flew off into the distance.
“I’m coming with you. I like field trips. They’re fun,” Deckard Cain said as he put his bags in the trunk of Warriv’s Magical Bus of Travel.
Finally we set off, off to Las Gholein and Act Two.
Well there’s our story. We hoped you liked it. Please review. If you don’t, we’ll send the Mexican Mafia to your house. And all flames will be used to roast dinner. Bye!
Dude, Wrong Thread. You want the Fanfics section not the Custom Card Contests.
Private Mod Note
():
Rollback Post to RevisionRollBack
Creator of The Crazy Cycle Contest [CCC]
:bunny:Ex Co-Keeper of Tribal, Multiplayer and Peasant Make a Deck Ex-Clan Representative and The Woolliest Pirate Of The [Forum Pirates] Ex-Super-Friend of The Random Bull**** Society Ex-Woolliest Friend of [Hyrule]
Oooh, wow, this is story is awesome. I wish I could right something as good as this.... oh wait. I did write this.
If Hungry Dwarf isn't to lazy, I'm sure he'll eventually put the second chapter up. And the third one. I would do it myself, but we type the story on his computer.
Authors’ note: From now on, we will put the disclaimer at the end so we won’t spoil anything for all you nice readers out there, who want to review our story (Hint Hint) - Mike and Jarred.
After months of slowly moving across the desert, we finally reached Las Gholein. God, was the trip horrible. Deckard Cain wouldn’t shut up and Chippy kept going “Are we there yet? Are we there yet?” It drove me crazy. I was about to kill them when we arrived in Las Gholein. There were neon lights and casinos everywhere. We soon met the mayor of the town, Jerhyn. He was hiding in a trash can.
“Hello, we’re looking for Jerhyn, have you seen him?” I asked Jerhyn, not knowing he was Jerhyn yet.
“You’re debt collectors, aren’t you? Drat, they found my hiding place. Looks like I have to leave,” he replied.
“Oh, that’s a relief! I’m Jerhyn, the mayor. I’m hiding from the debt collectors because I’m a gambling addict. I tried going to Gamblers Anonymous, but someone bet me 50 gold I couldn’t make it. I lost,” Jerhyn said. “Make your self at home in this wonder city of Las Gholein.”
We walked around the city until we met a girl named Atma outside the bar.
“Hello, my name is Atma. A mummy named Radament killed my family. Now he must die. He lives in the sewers.” Atma declared.
“We’ll kill him for you. Not that we have anything better to do,” Chippy said.
We walked over to the sewer’s entrance, where we met Greiz. He sold mercenaries.
“Wazzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz up! My name is Greiz, homie. I got what you need, if you know what I mean,” he said.
“You mean mercenaries, right?” I asked.
“Oh yeah squirrel dude, what did you think I meant? Did you think I was trying to sell something illegal to you?” he questioned.
“Oh, a couple things popped into my mind,” Chippy said slyly.
We bought a mercenary named Luke Skywalker.
“Hello, my name is Luke Skywalker. I am a mighty Jedi master. I am on a quest to restore peace to the galaxy. And to score with a chick. Would you believe me if I said I was still a virgin?” Luke said to us.
“I’m not surprised,” Chippy said, rolling his eyes.
“I don’t understand it. I have a big saber. Here look at it,” Luke said as he reached into his pants.
“Oh no we don’t want to see that,” I said as I went to block my eyes.
“What, what’s wrong with seeing my weapon,” he said as he pulled out a strange metal stick. He pressed a button on it and a blade made of pure energy came out of it. “This is my big lightsaber,” he boasted.
We soon ventured down into the sewers. Soon a hoard of angry mummies, skeletons, and sand raiders ambushed us.
“I’ll take care of them,” Luke said. He waved his hand and said, “You will not attack us. You will all go to sleep for a buhzillion years.” For some strange reason, the undead dudes listened. So I killed them in there sleep for experience. Soon, we reached Radament.
“ I knew you would come. I saw your arrival, Luke,” Radament said, in a cheesy Darth Vader voice.
“How dare you impersonate my father. Sure, me and him are characters in a movie, but stop imitating him!” Luke said as he drew his lightsaber.
“Come, join me. Join the Dark Side of the Force,” Radament demanded.
“Never! Not even my old man could get me join the Dark Side,” Luke said.
“Very well. Then you must...DIE!” the mummy said as he pulled out a double-bladed lightsaber. “I got this at a Star Wars convention.”
Luke and Radament engaged in a fierce lightsaber battle. They spent a couple minutes fighting before Luke cut Radament in half.
“Luke, I must tell you something. Luke, I am your father,” Radament said.
“Noooooo...wait, my dad is Darth Vader,” Luke stated.
“I know, I just always wanted to say that,” Radament said as he turned to dust. Then the wind blew Radament’s remains into the air. As his dust blew away, we heard Radament’s voice say, “This is CNN.....Signing off.”
We returned to the surface. Luke Skywalker flew off into the sky in a flying machine he called a X-Wing. We returned to Atma and got our reward, the Horadric Scroll.
“I know you were supposed to grab this in the sewers, but the author’s forgot to make you, so they gave the scroll to me,” she said.
We went to Deckard Cain. We gave him the Horadric Scroll. He looked at it. Afterwards, he went into a porta-potty to “look” at it some more. Then he tried to give it back to us. It was covered in brown.
“You can keep it,” I said.
“Yeah! It’s better than 2-ply. Oh I forgot, you have to look for the Horadric stuff. Look in Chippy’s player’s guide,” he said as he went back to the porta-potty.
According to the player’s guide we had to go to the Halls of the Dead to find the Horadric Gamecube. So we went to the bar to rest up for our journey. There we met a sorceress, who was drinking some 100-proof vodka. She was drunk, really, really, REALLY drunk.
“Hello handsome. Do you come here often?” she asked a stool. The stool didn’t reply. (Author’s Note: No crap Mike- Jarred)
“Um, hello sorceress. My name is Bob, and this is my squirrel Chippy. What is your name wise sorceress?” I stated.
“My name is Abraham Lincoln. Four score and seven years ago, our forefathers came to this country for booze,” she said, standing up and then falling down.
“Well OK, Mr. Lincoln,” Chippy said, staring at the sorceress.
“What, where’s Abe Lincoln. I’ll give him emancipation,” the sorceress said.
The sorceress, who the bartender said was named Budweiser or Bud for short, then passed out. We dragged Bud up to her room. Then we waited until the next morning. She was still drunk, but wasn’t as drunk. So we then went to the desert to began walking to the Halls of the Dead. We were halfway there when a weird person with spiky yellow hair flew down from the sky.
“My name is Goku and I’m here to find the dragon’s balls, Hi-yah,” the freak said.
“I’ll give you some dragon’s balls,” Bud said as she shot a fireball at Goku’s head. It missed by a foot. But oddly enough his hair caught on fire.
“Oh no, that fire caught the fumes from the massive amounts of hair spray I use on fire. I just hope the fire doesn’t cause the can of hair spray I keep in my hair, in case my hair goes flat, to explode and...” Goku started, but luckily for us the can of hair spray did explode and kill him. We were very happy. So we went the rest of the way to the Halls of the Dead singing about how Goku was dead and that Dragonball Z was no more! (Author’s Note: YAY! Ding dong, Goku is dead- Mike)
We soon arrived at the Halls of the Dead. We went inside and battled mummy after mummy after mummy after mommy. Soon we reached were the Horadric Gamecube was held. It was guarded by a Huntress named Bloodwitch the Wild.
“Hey there hot stuff, how would ya’ like a piece of this cake,” Bloodwitch said to Chippy.
“You leave my boyfriend alone,” Bud said.
“That squirrel is your boyfriend?” Bloodwitch inquired.
“He is not my boyfriend!” Bud shouted.
“But you just said..” Bloodwitch began.
“I shut said up,” Bud said. She then shot a fireball at Bloodwitch. This one hit the target. Bloodwitch then stopped, dropped, and rolled. (Author’s Note: Remember kids, if catch on fire, do what Bloodwitch did. Stop, Drop, and Roll- Mike) (Author’s Note: Shut up Mike- Jarred)
“I’ll get you for burning my shirt and bra off,” Bloodwitch shouted.
“Bring it on North Dakota,” Bud said as she torn her own shirt and bra off. Bud and Bloodwitch then began to wrestle. They fell into a pit of conveniently-placed gelatin and continued to wrestle. Needless to say, Chippy and I were very turned on.
Moments later, Chippy, a topless Bud, and I walked out of the Halls of the Dead. I had the Horadric Gamecube in my inventory. Bud had Bloodwitch’s head in her inventory. We found a new shirt and bra for Bud and helped her into them. (Author’s Note: Booooo! -Jarred)
“Now watch as I fly to the the the the the,” Bud said. Then she threw up.
“Ok, let’s walk to the Maggot Lair,” I said. So we walked. And we walked. And we walked some more. Then we sprinted. Then we partied with the desert animals. Then we walked some more. Then, after hitch-hiking with a truck filled with illegal Mexican immigrants, we reached the Maggot Lair. Outside the Maggot Lair, we met a weird, flat, pixilated dude named Mr. Game and Watch.
“My buddy went into the Maggot Lair to get the Horadric Shaft. I think he’s coming back. Yeah, he is. Hey Link!” Mr. Game and Watch said beepingly.
“Hey Mr. Game and Watch. Hey who is this guys,” a tall dude with pointy ears, a green tunic, a pointy green hat, a sword and a shield said.
“The poison from the maggot queen, Coldworm, makes him speak with bad grammar. It’s only temporary,” Mr. Game and Watch said.
“My name is Bob, and this is Chippy and that is,” I began, but Bud cut me off.
“My name is Link. I am on a never-ending quest my girlfriend, Bud the hot sorceress,” Bud said and then puked.
“Mine name are Link, or mine girlfriend’s name is being Zelda, not Bud the sorceress hot,” Link said.
“Oh, shut up,” Chippy said as he slapped Link.
“Thank you small squirrel. Your slap cured me of the poison,” Link said.
“You’re welcome Mr. Dentist,” Bud said.
“O-Kay. What’s her problem,” Link questioned.
“Oh, don’t mind her. Her name is Bud. She’s drunk,” I said.
“Oh,” Link said.
So our party ventured to the Claw Viper Temple. We went in there. It was empty.
“Hello!” Chippy said.
“Hello!” his echo restated.
We soon found the final floor of the Claw Viper Temple. It was empty like the rest of the temple. We found a note next to the Horadric Amulet. It said:
“We have gone to Las Gholein to play Blackjack. Be back soon. Please don’t take the Horadric Amulet.”
- Fangskin, the unique Claw Viper that should be guarding the amulet.
“Too bad, too sad,” Chippy said as he grabbed the Horadric Amulet.
“Now now, didn’t you read my note. I, Fangskin, order you to put the amulet back!” Bud said.
“Shut up,” Link said.
We went back to Las Gholein and followed the directions on the Horadric Gamecube to create the Horadric Staff. Then we went to Deckard Cain.
“You must go to the Arcane Sanctuary and kill the Summoner. But, there is one problem,” Cain said.
“What’s the problem, huh, huh, huh, huh,” Chippy said.
“Squirrels can’t enter the portal to the Arcane Sanctuary. You will have to stay behind Chippy,” Cain said.
“Hey this is Chippy. I’m going to be telling the story for awhile now”
“That blows,” I said.
“It will be ok Chippy. We’ll bring you back a souvenir,” Bob said.
“YAY, YAY, YAY, YAY, YAY, YAY!,” I said running around in circles.
After Bob and the other’s left, I took a nap in our hotel. When I woke up, I went to the casino. I went straight for the poker table. I played several games, winning them all. That’s when he came.
“Hello, my name is Yugi. I like playing card games. Can I play with you? I’m broke but I’m sure you don’t mind,” a short, spiky haired freak with a golden pyramid around his neck.
“Sure you can play. That’s nice bling-bling you have there,” I said.
“You mean my Millennium Puzzle. Yeah, I suppose it does classify as bling-bling,” Yugi said.
“Here’s the deal- if I win, you must let me shave your head. If you win, I must let you shave my tail,” I said.
We played poker. As you can guess, I won.
“No, my beautiful, overly-spiky hair. Well, a deal is a deal. Shave away,” Yugi said. So I shaved him, and then took some pictures so I would always remember this day and just incase I needed to blackmail him, I could. That’s when Bob came back.
“Bob here. My turn to resume narration of MY tale”
“You are soooooooooooo lucky Chippy. First we had to fight a bunch of strong monsters to get into the Sanctuary. Then we had to navigate maze after maze in the Arcane Sanctuary. Then Link asked a dying monster for directions to the Summoner. Then when we reached the Summoner, we had to kill him. God, that was a long fight. So then we went to the Canyon of the Magi. There we saw a waypoint, so we came back here to heal and find you,” I said to Chippy.
“Well, then let’s go kick Duriel’s butt!” Chippy said.
So, Link, Bud, Chippy, and I went to the Canyon of the Magi. Then we made a random guess on what tomb was Tal-Rasha’s real tomb. We had to guess because Bud had eaten the book that told us the symbol on the outside of Tal-Rasha’s true tomb. Luckily, our guess was right because in the inside of the tomb, we found a sign that said “Welcome to the tomb of Tal-Rasha”
After battling our way through hordes of evil monsters, we found the Orifice we were supposed to put the Horadric Staff into. So we did and entered Duriel’s Lair. There we found Duriel. He was sitting in front of a fire place, reading a book and had a cup of tea beside him.
“Well top o’ the morning to ya, good chaps. My name is Duriel.” Duriel said in a British accent.
Link started twitching weirdly. “We have come to slay you foul beast,” He said, twitching.
“Well that’s too bad. I was hoping we could discuss some Shakespearian literature over a spot of tea. Then we could possibly turn the tellie on and watch it,” Duriel said.
“ACK, THAT’S IT! I HATE BRITISH PEOPLE!!!” Link screamed. Link the drew his sword and charged at Duriel.
The fight between Duriel and Link was to graphic to describe. It is too horrible to describe. I don’t even like thinking of it. If I told you what happened that day, you would all be puking right now. So instead I will say the word “puppy.” Every one loves puppies.
Puppy. We now will resume our regularly scheduled programing already in progress.
“Bloody Brit,” Link said as he wiped Duriel’s blood of his sword. So we then went to where Tal-Rasha was supposed to be, but he was gone. Some angel guy with really bright wings named Tyrael told us Diablo freed Tal-Rasha, who was holding Baal in side him. So we went back to Las Gholein, gambled a bit, ditched Bud at some bar, ditched Link at some Legend of Zelda Fan’s Convention, and then went to go on the boat to Act 3. Just as we were about to board the boat, the boat disappeared. Then two kids appeared out of nowhere. One was tall, handsome, and very muscular. The other was short, not that good-looking and very weak. (Author’s Note: You wish Mike. We all know who the ladykiller is.- Jarred) (Author’s Note: Ok, Ok. I’ll fix it- Mike.)
One was tall, slightly good-looking, and not very muscular. The other was short, not any better looking, and muscular.
“My name is Mike the Great. I am one of the amazing authors behind the story ‘Bob and Chippy’s Excellent Adventure’,” the tall one said.
“I am Jarred the Best. I am the other author behind this great story that you should all review,” the short, but muscular, one said.
“We have a quest for you. You must go into the desert and get us....... What were they suppose to get us again,” Mike the Great said.
“The Everlasting Cup of Pudding. You are so much smarter than me Mike the Great,” Jarred the Short said. (Author’s Note: Mike typed that last sentence. I am so much smarter- Jarred) (Author’s Note: You wish Jarred. We all know who is the smarter one- Mike)
“No, we refuse to go into the desert again,” Chippy said.
“Yeah, he’s right. We aren’t going into the desert again,” I said.
“You will to. We are the authors and can do anything we want. Except swear. Not even we can beat the lawyers that prevent us from swearing,” Jarred the Best said.
“We are not stepping foot into that desert,” I said.
Moments later, we were walking through the desert, looking for the Everlasting Cup of Pudding.
“What, how did we get here. But, we were, and we weren’t, and aw crap,” Chippy said.
“HAHAHAHAHAHAHA, We told you you would go to the desert,” Mike the Great’s disembodied voice said.
So Chippy and I walked through the desert until we found the Temple of Everlasting Desserts.
“Stop making us do things we don’t want to do,” I said.
“Then all of a sudden, Bob began to dance,” Jarred the Best’s voice said.
Then all of a sudden, I began to dance.
“Then Chippy and Bob went into the temple and fought a giant monster made of Jell-O. When they defeated it, they found the Everlasting Cup of Pudding, then they town portaled back to town,” Mike the Great’s voice said.
Then Chippy and I went into the temple and fought a giant monster made of Jell-O. When we defeated it, we found the Everlasting Cup of Pudding, then we town portaled back to town.
“I hate you guys,” I said.
“Then Bob gave Mike the Great and Jarred the Best the Everlasting Cup of Pudding and said ‘You guys are the coolest people in the whole world.’,” Jarred the Best’s voice said.
Then I gave Mike the Great and Jarred the Best the Everlasting Cup of Pudding and said, “You guys are the coolest people in the whole world.”
So then Mike the Great and Jarred the Best teleported away with their pudding cup, and the boat to Act 3 reappeared and we went to Act 3, in Kurast.
DISCLAIMER: We do not own Diablo 2, any Nintendo characters or systems, Dragonball Z, Yu-Gi-Oh, any presidents or states mentioned, Jell-O, Budweiser, Shakespeare, Shakespeare’s works, the word tellie (That’s Britain’s word), or Star Wars. So there.
We hope you liked our story. Please review, and all flames will be used to keep Santa out of our house. Let’s see how well Mr. Claus can go down a chimney with fire in it.
ADDITIONAL DISCLAIMER: Oh, and we don’t own Santa Claus.
Another Author’s Note: In several parts of this chapter, characters will speak in a foreign language. When they do, we will provide a handy translation next to what they said.
We had finally arrived in Kurast after a long journey across the sea. Boy was I glad to be on land again. Chippy got seasick, and it was a huge mess. We stepped onto the docks and looked around. Chippy turned to me and whispered, “Bob, I see morons.”
“I know, I see them too,” I said.
“Well boys, if you need me, I’ll be by your private stash trying to break in...I mean guarding it. Yes, guarding it,” Deckard Cain said.
Chippy and I walked around town looking for a quest. But no one had a quest. So we walked to the jungle to find something to kill. On the way out we saw an Amazon with rather large breasts. Oh, and a bow.
“Hello, my name is Bob. I’m a druid. And this is Chippy, my squirrel sidekick,” I said.
“Ooooh, you have very large jugs,” Chippy said.
“Hola, mi nombre es Maria y tengo un arco,” she said.
(Translation: Hello, my name is Maria and I have a bow)
“Um, ok. Hello nombre, my name is Chippy. You have very large jugs,” Chippy said very slowly.
“Um Chippy, I think her name is Maria,” I said.
“Why do you think that?” Chippy asked.
“Well, Maria was capitalized when Mike and Jarred typed it and nombre wasn’t,” I replied.
“Ohhhhhhhhh,” Chippy said.
Suddenly, a book fell into my hands. It was the book 7438 Useful Spanish Phrases. It had a note on front of the cover. The note said, “USE THIS TO TALK TO THE AMAZON. IT HAS SPANISH WORDS IN IT. FROM, MIKE THE GREAT AND JARRED THE BEST.”
“Ok, let’s see here. Hola, mi nombre es Bob. Soy un druid. Éste es mi sidekick de la ardilla, Chippy,” I said
(Translation: Hello, my name is Bob. I am a druid. This is my squirrel sidekick, Chippy.)
“Niza para satisfacer le, Bob y Chippy,” Maria said.
(Translation: Nice to meet you, Bob and Chippy.)
“Síganos,” I said.
(Translation: Follow us.)
“Bien.” she said.
(Translation: Alright.)
We walked into the jungle. After walking for 3 minutes, we began to here music. It was another 2 minutes before I recognized the music.
“Is that the music to Thriller?” I said.
“It can’t be. That would mean, he is here.” Chippy said.
We all turned around. Standing right in front of us was...Michael Jackson! And behind Michael Jackson was an army of zombies dancing to the tune of Thriller! Maria took out her bow and tried to shoot the zombies. But they just danced out of the way of the arrows. Suddenly I had an idea.
“Hey, Michael Jackson. Look behind you. It’s a small child,” I shouted.
“Where,” Michael Jackson said as he turned around, “ I don’t see any small children. You’re just ignorant.”
“NOW CHIPPY,” I shouted.
Chippy leapt at Michael Jackson and snapped his neck. Then all the zombies turned into fuzzy bunnies and ran off into the jungle.
“Yay, we killed Michael Jackson!” Chippy shouted, “Hey, there is something in his pants.”
“You grab it Chippy,” I said.
“No, you grab it Bob,” Chippy said.
“No you grab it,” I said.
“No you grab it,” Chippy said.
“No you,” I said.
“No you,” Chippy said.
“You,” I said.
“You,” Chippy said.
“You,” I said.
“You,” Chippy said.
“No you,” I said.
“No you,” Chippy said.
“You,” I said.
“You,” Chippy said.
“You,” I said.
“You,” Chippy said.
“No you,” I said.
“No you,” Chippy said.
“You,” I said.
“You,” Chippy said.
“You,” I said.
“You,” Chippy said.
“No you,” I said.
“No you,” Chippy said.
“You,” I said.
“You,” Chippy said.
“You,” I said.
“You,” Chippy said.
“No you,” I said.
“No you,” Chippy said.
“You,” I said.
“You,” Chippy said.
“You,” I said.
“You,” Chippy said.
“No you,” I said.
“No you,” Chippy said.
“You,” I said.
“You,” Chippy said.
“You,” I said.
“You,” Chippy said.
“No you,” I said.
“No you,” Chippy said.
“You,” I said.
“You,” Chippy said.
“You,” I said.
“You,” Chippy said.
“Lo haré,” Maria said as she reached into Michael Jackson’s pants. After a minute of rummaging around she pulled out the Jade Idol.
(Translation: I will do it.)
“Encontré esto donde su pene debe estar,” Maria said holding up the Jade Idol.
(Translation: I found this where his ***** should be.)
“You know what, learn some English you f-EXPLETIVE DELETED immigrant,” Chippy screamed.
“Wow, the lawyers have a new way to censor us,” I said.
We took Michael Jackson’s toy, I mean the Jade Idol into town. We talked to Deckard Cain about what to do with it.
“Um, maybe you should read Chippy’s Diablo 2 Player’s Guide. I don’t know what you should do with it,” Cain said.
So we read Chippy’s Player’s Guide and it told us to take it to Meshif. So we took it to Meshif and he gave us a gold bird. Then the Player’s Guide told us the gold bird was the Golden Bird of Ronald McDonald. The Player’s Guide told us to give the bird to Alkor. So we went to his hut.
“Hey y’all. If you mow you lawn and find a car, you might be a redneck,” Alkor said.
“Oh no, not redneck jokes. Why, why Mike the Great and Jarred the Best, why did you make him tell redneck jokes,” I said.
“For two reasons. 1. Redneck jokes are funny and 2. We hate you,” Mike the Great’s voice said.
Jarred the Best’s voice laughed evilly.
“If you leave the Golden Bird of Ronald McDonald here, I’ll make a Big Mac of Life that lets you git-r-done. Oh, and it gives you 20 extra life permanently,” Alkor said.
“Just take it,” Chippy said, handing him the Bird.
We walked out of his hut. Then, because the Player’s Guide told us that he would be done, we walked back in to his hut. Alkor had the Big Macs of Life ready.
“You want fries with that?” Alkor asked
“Um, no thanks,” I said as I took the Big Mac and ate it.
“Then let me leave you with these words of wisdom. If you have ever been accused of lying through your tooth, you might be a redneck,” Alkor said.
“Quick Chippy, run. Before he tells another redneck joke,” I said. We ran from Alkor’s hut.
“All right, to speed the chapter up, we are going to use our author powers to instantly give you the Gidbinn quest,” Jarred the Best’s voice boomed.
So we walked into the jungle to find the Gidbinn. After an hour of walking and killing stuff, we ran into Donkey Kong.
“Hello, my name are Donkey Kong. You are called what?” Donkey Kong said.
“My name is Bob, this is Chippy the squirrel and that is Maria the Spanish-speaking Amazon,” I said.
“Hola,” Maria said.
(Translation: Hello.)
“Hey Maria, there is something I’ ve been wanting to say since we met,” Chippy said as he pulled out 7438 Handy Spanish Phrases.
“Tengo un pollo en mis pantalones y una cabra está comiendo su ropa interior,” Chippy said.
(Translation: I have a chicken in my pants and a goat is eating your underwear.)
Maria slapped him.
“What did you say to her?” I asked.
“I think I said ‘Let’s have a sandwich together and maybe even go out on a date’ but I could have translated wrong,” Chippy said.
“Usted es una ardilla muy estúpida,” Maria said.
(Translation: You are a very stupid squirrel.)
So then, Donkey Kong joined our party and we walked and killed stuff some more. Then we walked a bit farther. Then we realized we were lost.
“We already passed that tree,” Chippy said.
“You know how?” Donkey Kong asked.
“I’m a squirrel. We squirrels can tell these kind of things,” Chippy said.
“I know the way to the Gidbinn,” a mysterious voice said.
“Who said that?” I asked.
“I did. I’m Rocky the Talking Rock,” the voice said.
“Rocky the Talking Rock...ROCKY THE TALKING ROCK! Come on guys, that’s pathetic. Even for you,” I said.
“HEY! We ran out of ideas,” Mike the Great’s voice boomed.
“It’s still lame, with a capital lame,” Chippy said.
“That’s it, as punishment for calling my idea lame...” Mike the Great’s voice began.
“Even though it is,” Jarred the Best’s voice said.
“Shut up. As I was saying, before I was SO rudely interrupted, as punishment, I will teleport the Gidbinn up Donkey Kong’s donkey, if you know what I mean,” Mike the Great’s voice said.
“You mean me’s butt, not do you,” Donkey Kong said.
“Yeah,” Mike the Great’s voice said as a snapping noise was heard.
“YEEEEEOWWWWWWWWW! MY’S A-EXPLETIVE DELETED,” Donkey Kong shouted.
“Alright, in order to avoid another two pages of arguing, we’ll draw straws. However gets the shortest straw has to reach up Donkey Kong’s butt,” I said. So we drew straws. And Chippy got the shortest.
“AW GAWD D-EXPLETIVE DELETED IT, F-EXPLETIVE DELETED PIECE OF S-EXPLETIVE DELETED LUCK,” Chippy screamed. (Author’s Note: If it weren’t for the lawyers, that would of been a very long string of profanity- Mike the Great)
Moments later Chippy stepped out wearing a Haz-Mat suit.
“I’m going in,” Chippy said as he walked up Donkey Kong’s butt.
“Ooooooooh, aaaaaaaaaaah, uh, oook,” Donkey Kong grunted.
We now take a commercial break for a word from our sponsor: Viagra.
Yoda walks out to the middle of a bedroom. He climbs into a bed.
“When as old as me, are you, not so easy to get stiff it is,” Yoda says.
“So when I need my lightsaber to get a bit longer, I take Viagra. And now since Medicare covers Viagra, it’s easy than ever to get,” Yoda says.
Camera zooms out to see who Yoda is in bed with. He’s sleeping with Bud the Drunk Sorceress.
“What am I doing again?” Bud says, drunk.
“We’re about to git-r-done,” Yoda says.
“Is there booze involved,” Bud asks.
“There will be if you want baby!” Yoda says.
“Then do to me whatever you want, Harry Potter,” Bud says.
A monkey with dredlocks walks in and says, “WHAT!”
Then the monkey walks over and kicks Yoda in the balls.
“OKAY!” the monkey says.
“Oi,” Yoda says.
Then, all the side effects to taking Viagra flash across the screen so fast, no one can read them. People with Direct TV may now pause to read them.
Then the word Viagra appears across the screen as the song “Can’t Touch This” begins to play.
Then M.C. Hammer appears with 20 hot cheerleaders and begins to dance with the monkey.
Then the door opens and Trojan Boy walks in and says, “Want to warm things up?”
Then a deep voice says, “TROJAN BOY!”
FIN’
(Author’s Note: When we were watching the Super Bowl, we saw a commercial for the top ten things that need to be in a commercial. While we don’t remember them all, we crammed as many as we could remember into this commercial. We hope you like it. And please excuse the excessive potty humor that exists in this story. We’re perverts.- Mike the Great and Jarred the Best)
We now resume our regularly scheduled adventure in progress. Where were we again?
Moments later Chippy walked out with the Gidbinn and a thermometer.
“Yay, you found the Gidbinn. And a...thermometer?” I said.
“Yeah, I found the Gidbinn and then I saw this thermometer right beside it,” he said.
“Oh, that to the vet belong,” Donkey Kong said.
So we then town-portaled back to town. Then we went to Ormus. (Author’s Note: Hey, I invented a verb-Mike the Great)
“Wow dudes, like what’s up. Hey, you’re like, a little squirrel dude,” Ormus said with a surfer’s accent, pointing at Chippy.
“Noooooo, I thought I was a hippopotamus,” Chippy said as he rolled his eyes.
“Wow, you mean you’re like really a hippo dude,” Ormus said
“Yes, I’m a hippo,” Chippy said.
“I heard you were the one we were supposed to bring the Gidbinn to,” I said.
“Yeah, you like totally heard right. I can like use it to like do this thing that will like protect the town and stuff,” Ormus said.
So I handed the Gidbinn to Ormus. He gave me a ring that gave plus 15 to Surfing Skills.. I put it in my pocket.
Then suddenly Donkey Kong dropped due to time out.
Then we talked to Deckard Cain. He told us to check Chippy’s Player’s Guide ‘cause he didn’t know squat about Act III. The Player’s Guide told us to type “/cheat Organ Harvest” in the chat window to get Kalim’s Spleen, Liver and Bladder. So we did. It then told us that Kalim’s Lightsaber was in a high-security complex that required a James Bond parody to get into.
We walked through the jungle until we ran into the high-security complex. That’s when we met two new party members.
“¡Oh mi dios, es Legolas!” Maria shouted.
(Translation: Oh my God, it’s Legolas!)
“The name is Bond, Legolas Bond,” Legolas said. He flicked his hair. Several girls, including Maria, fainted.
Then Jon Moctezuma, a good friend of the authors, fell out of the sky.
“Hello, my name is Jon Moctezuma. I am the don of the Mexican Mafia and protector of all things Mexican,” Jon said.
Maria woke up and said,”Oh mi dios, es Jon Moctezuma, temido mucho pone de la Mafia mexicana.”
(Translation: Oh my God, it’s Jon Moctezuma, the much feared don of the Mexican Mafia.)
“Don’t worry large-breasted, Spanish-speaking Amazon, I will protect you as if you were part of the family...and I don’t mean my parents and sister,” Jon said.
So then Jon, Legolas, Chippy, Maria, and I all walked into the high-security complex, because they had left the front door open. Once inside, we encountered several guards with bows and arrows. Legolas pulled out his bow and began shooting all the guards. He killed them. We soon made it to the inner chamber where Kalim’s Lightsaber was kept. There we met Auric Goldfinger and Oddjob. You know, Goldfinger and Oddjob. Classic Bond villains. Aw, forget it.
“Very good Mr. Legolas. But you forgot one thing. My assassin, Oddjob!” Goldfinger said.
“But I didn’t,” Jon shouted. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a packet that said, “ Instant Chupacabra, Just Add Water.” He then took out a small capsule from the packet and poured water on it. A chupacabra popped out.
Maria screamed, “¡Oh mi dios, es el Chupacabra! Cada uno oculta sus cabras.”
(Translation: Oh my God, it’s the Chupacabra! Everyone hide your goats.)
Then the Chupacabra killed Oddjob. Jon quickly ran over and took Oddjob’s Hat.
We looked around and Goldfinger had ran away. We noticed a yellow puddle where he once stood. It was non-dairy. At least I think.
We soon found Kalim’s Lightsaber.
“Well now that you have Kalim’s Lightsaber, this is my cue to leave,” Legolas said.
“Legolas,” Maria said.
(Translation: Legolas.)
“We’ll meet again my love. I promise,” Legolas said. He and Maria kissed for 30 minutes. Then Legolas strapped on a jet pack and flew off into the distance. Then the entire Legolas Fanclub (Current Membership: 1,000,000,000,000,000,096; 1,000,000,000,000,000,096 of which are women) gave Maria a jealous glare.
We all stared at Jon.
“Oh no, I’m not leaving until Mephesto is dead,” Jon said.
We all sighed in despair.
Suddenly, Ormus appeared on his surfboard on a magic tidal wave that was popping out of the ground.
“Like, dudes. All the rest of the quests are like kind of mushed together, so you can like to them at the same time. You like so totally need to like put Kalim’s Body Parts and his Lightsaber into the Horadric Gamecube and fuse them to like make Kalim’s Uber-Lightsaber. Then you like totally need to like kill the High Council. They’re like strong and evil and like scary and stuff. Then you have to like destroy the Compelling Orb with Kalim’s Uber-Lightsaber. Then you like have to kill Mephesto. He’s like so untubular. He like hates people, because he like is like so totally the Lord of Hatred,” Ormus said before he surfed off.
So we fused the Kalim’s objects to make Kalim’s Uber-Lightsaber. Then we took a Conveniently Placed Portal (TM) to where the High Council was. Jon called in the Mexican Mafia, who helped the High Council make it to there “Slumber party with the fishes,” as Jon put it. We then destroyed the Compelling Orb. Then we fought our way trough hordes of enemies until we found Mephesto. He looked like he had just climbed out of a rap music video. He had a red bandana, lots and lots of bling-bling, a jersey, and baggy jean shorts.
“Yo dawgs. Waz up in the hizzle. You ready to die, beyotches,” Mephesto said.
“I’ll take care of this,” Jon said. He pulled out Oddjob’s Hat and hurled it at Mephesto.
“Oh ****izzle,” Mephesto said just as the hat decapitated him.
“That was off the hizzle,” Chippy said.
“Don’t you start,” I said.
So we defeated Mephesto and returned to town. Awaiting us was a mariachi band and a huge congo line.
“Well guys, that’s my cue to leave. So long!” Jon said as he joined the congo line which congoed off into the distance. (Author’s Note: Wow, I invented another new verb-Mike the Great)
Maria looked off into the distance. Then she said,” Mi dios. Adios Amigos,” and ran off into the distance.
(Translation: My god. Goodbye friends.)
Seconds later the Border Patrol ran by shouting, “Stop that Amazon!”
So then we took another Conveniently Placed Portal (TM) to Act 4, H-EXPLETIVE DELETED. Aw man, Mike the Great and Jarred the best better work on getting the lawyers to let us say h-e-double hockey sticks or the next chapter will be kind of annoying.
Well that’s the end of that chapter. Now time for the disclaimer.
DISCLAIMER: We do not own Diablo 2; Nintendo, any of its characters or consoles (although we both own Gamecubes) ; Michael Jackson or Thriller (And we’re glad) ; McDonald’s, Ronald McDonald, or Big Mac; the phrase git-r-done ; any redneck jokes ; any Haz-Mat suits (though we wish we did) ; Viagra ; Yoda or Lightsabers ; Medicare ; Harry Potter ; Direct TV ; M.C. Hammer and the song “Can’t Touch This” (we wish we did) ; Trojan Man (which Trojan Boy is a blatant rip-off of) ; the Superbowl ; James Bond, Auric Goldfinger, Oddjob, or Oddjob’s Hat ; Legolas ; Jon Moctezuma (because slavery is illegal)
However we do own the Mexican Mafia; the phrase Conveniently Placed Portal (TM) ; Instant Chupacabra, Just Add Water ; Rocky the Talking Rock ; 7438 Handy Spanish Phrases ; and the verbs town-portaled and congoed.
Hey, it is my really great story. Oh, sorry, I mean Hungrey Dwarf's and mine.
Me and Dwarf are working on Chapter 4. I should finish it next time I'm over at Dwarf's house. Or not. I might be lazy.
Bob and Chippy's Excellent Adventure
By Jarred and Mike The Great
Disclaimer: We do not own Diablo 2, the Men in Black, any Nintendo character that appears in this story, or Microsoft. We do not own Froot Loops cereal either. If you want to talk to us meet us in the middle of Lake Erie without a boat.
It all started in the Rogue Encampment. The rogues had been driven out of the respective Monastery. The forces of hell had been dwelling in this monastery for quite some time and I was the hero that was to release the rogue’s from the demon’s grip.
Of course I didn’t know all of that. I was walking around the forest one day when I saw a smoke rising in the east. Little did I know what I was getting into.
“That must me a forest fire. I need to put it out,” I though to myself. That was me. I always thought of the forest before myself. That is because my life revolves around the forest and all the animals (especially the squirrel) in the forest. My squirrel friend Chippy and I decided to put out the fire. I dashed over but it was dark and soon I ran into these huge vertically stacked logs.
“Wow, I never saw that before,” I said to Chippy.
Chippy looked at me and squeaked, “What is this? It is from the spawns of evil I tell you. Yes it is. I swear. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes it is. I, I, I, know it is.”
“ Chippy did you take your medication this morning?”
“Noooooooo...,”
“Well you should try to remember. I don’t like it very much when you shake and have seizures. Anyway, lets go check ths fire out.”
We walked until the end of the wall where we reached a gap in the wall. I rushed forward and banged my head off another wall. Then we went trough another gap into the center of a village.
This village was newly constructed it seemed because none of the druids seemed to know about it. Mostly everything that goes on in the forest us druid know about.
I started conversing with the locals. There were many merchants around the town. Akara, Gheed, Warriv, and my favorite Charsi. I was shopping at Charsi’s shop one day. She was personalizing a sword for me and instead of putting my name on it she wrote “Love You, Charsi.”
“What the?” I said. I was really angry at her for messing with my sword.
“What is wrong with it? There is nothing wrong with it. It is a perfect example of love. I love you and there is nothing wrong with that,” Charsi said.
“My sword is my sword. You’re supposed to personalize it in my name not yours.”
“But it’s with love.”
“Well good bye now,” I said. I left in a hurry. I grabbed my sword and dashed off. I walked over to Akara.
“I do not trust you. You must complete my quest in order to obtain my trust. There is a place that is just outside this place and it is called the Den of Evil. It is filled with bad things that go boo. You must kill them until they are dead. Then return to me for some special treatment,” said Akara.
I gave her a funny look. and asked, “Is there any maps around here? I might get lost.”
Akara replied in tune, “No just follow the tan sandy road.. Follow, follow, follow, follow, follow the tan sandy road. Oui!”
I ran away in terror of the old lady’s voice. It sounded like 10 howler monkeys. Soon I came across the Den of Evil. I knew it was the Den of Evil because it said “Den of Evil, Casino Hall here!”
Chippy the squirrel asked, “Can we go gambling. Please please please please please please please please please?”
I replied “NO I’M BROKE.”
“Well then you should get fixed. Is there a human repair shop around here? Huh, Huh, Huh?”
“Chippy did you take your medicine this morning?”
“Maybe..... Yes.....No.”
“Well you really should start to. Let’s investigate.” We walked into the Den of Evil. The Den of Evil was the worst casino hall of casino gambling. There was only one slot machine. There was a huge line of monsters waiting to use it. Unfortunately the stupid brute at the front didn’t have any money and he was trying to jam a rock into the slot. After staring at them for a while I cast molten boulder. It plowed through all of them until it killed them dead. After I killed all of them a zombie named Corpsefire appeared out of thin air.
“What...have...you...done...to...my...customers?” he said slower than a turtle.
“Ummm...,” Chippy said before he took a large rock and beat him to death.
I took a town portal and went back to town. There Akara said, “Good Job! You will know receive your choice of these two things: Special treatment or a skill point.”
“I think I’ll take the skill point,” I said backing up slowly and then madly dashing toward my corner of the camp. On my way back we met up with Kashya. She told us to kill Blood Raven until she remembered that Blood Raven was dead. She pointed over to Gheed and next to him was a pink puffball and a necromancer. I went over there and listened.
“Are you sure you don’t have any guns?” said the pink puffball.
“What’s a gun, and what are they for?” Gheed questioned.
“THIS,” the puffball said, pulling a strange metal wand out and using it to shoot small metal things at Gheed and killing him. There was much rejoicing.
“Hello, my name is Bob and this is my sidekick, Chippy the squirrel.,” I said.
“Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi.” Chippy said.
“He has a condition.” I whispered to the puffball.
“OK, my name is Kirby. And this necromancer’s name is hehehe...BETTY!,” the pufball said as he began laughing.
“Well, do you want to help us kill Diablo and his minions of terror and bad sitcoms,” Chippy asked Kirby as he jumped up and down.
Suddenly, Akara ran up to us yelling, “Hey, I have a quest for you. Go rescue my love monkey, errrr, I mean good friend, Deckard Cain. Here are your mission objectives.
1. Go to the Dark Woods and retrieve the Scroll of Jim-Bob Jenkins.
2. Give the Scroll of Jim-Bob Jenkins to me to translate.
3. Go to the Stoned Field and touch the Cairn Stones in the order I put on the scroll.
4. Go to Tristram, and rescue Deckard Cain.
That is your mission, should you choose to accept it.”
“Ok, let’s go!” Kirby said. He pulled out a small magic box and pressed a couple of buttons. It rang suddenly, a voice was heard over the box.
“Its-a me, Mario!” the box said.
“Come over here and take us to the Dark Woods,” Kirby shouted into the box.
Minutes later, a giant flying machine flew over here. A weird person with a red hat that had a M on it, a red shirt, and overalls was inside it. “Hop in,” Kirby said. So we hopped inside. The machine flew us to the Dark Woods. He dropped us off at the Tree of Jim-Bob Jenkins.
“Thanks for the ride, person,” I said as I climbed out. Nearby the tree was three brutes having a tea party. One was named Treehead Woodfist. He was in a pink dress. We snuck by them and took the Scroll of Jim-Bob Jenkins. We opened a town portal and went to Akara. She translated the Scroll of Jim-Bob Jenkins into Spanish, which the necromancer surprisingly understood. We then walked to the Stoned Fields. Soon, we found the Cairn Stones it was guarded by a unique Carver named Rakanishu. Betty said, “Stand back, I’ll summon a golem.”
Betty began to focus her, I mean his energy. Soon a golem began to rise from the ground. It was a golem made entirely out of cheese. The cheese golem killed Rakanishu. Then Betty looked away from the golem. Kirby ate the golem. Betty looked back at where the golem was.
“What? This always happens. I look away for one second, and my golem disappears,” Betty said, starting to cry.
“It’s ok Betty, I’m sure you’ll find another golem to take its place,” said Kirby with a voice filled with fake compassion. Chippy and I just stared. After a few moments of grieving by Betty over the loss of his good friend, the cheese golem, Betty read the Scroll of Jim-Bob Jenkins out loud.
“First take a squirrel, stuff it your pants, then run around the Cairn Stones in a circle while shouting ‘CHEESE!’ at the top of your lungs. Then the portal to Tristram will open. Pay the doorman 25 cents to pass through the portal and arrive in beautiful Tristram, the cheese and beer capital of Sanctuary,” Betty read directly from the scroll.
“A squirrel? Where the heck are we going to find a... oh crap,” Chippy said as all eyes turned to him.
Moments later, Chippy’s voice could be heard from deep within the depth’s of Betty’s pants saying, “This is really uncomfortable.”
“And you think I’m enjoying this. Now shut up while I preform the spell,” Betty said as he took a deep breath.
“CHEESE!” Betty shouted as he ran around the Cairn Stones. Soon the sky grew dark, and clouds began to cover the sky. Lightning shot down and struck the Cairn Stones. Then a group of guys with shirts that said Stage Crew that were carrying a red portal ran out into the middle of the Cairn Stones and set the portal into the middle of the stones. Then, the doorman appeared.
“Alright, chop chop. Pay me 25 cents and let us get this over with.” the doorman, who was a Fallen with a bellboy uniform on, said. I dug into my pocket and pulled out a
quarter. I handed the doorman the quarter and the group stepped in front of the portal.
“ Now how does this work?” Kirby asked.
“Like this!” said the bellboy. He stood behind us and shoved us into the portal.
We arrived in Tristram. We realized that all the rubble of the old buildings had been shoved into the middle of the city and formed into a building. We walked into the building and saw everyone disco dancing. Deckard Cain was suspended in the middle of the floor wearing a shiny suit with lights reflecting off of him. After a while of staring at Deckard Cain, we killed all the monsters. Deckard Cain walked up to us.
“Why did you kill my employers?”
“Employers!?!” I said.
“Yes they paid me a good amount if I was the disco ball. They would let me live.”
“But now they’re dead. You don’t have to worry.”
“That mans I’m going to die. I no longer am their disco ball. Plus, you guys took away my shiny suit...”
I opened a town portal and shoved him through it. I was tired of listening to his rambling about his...job. Yes, I think that’s it.
The town portal closed behind us. Stupid Deckard Cain. So we went back to the portal that we used to come to Tristram. The doorman stood in our way.
“Please allow us to pass,” I said. “No can do buck-o. I need another 25 cents in order to let you pass,” the doorman said. So we walked around town until we saw a really fat zombie named Griswold playing chess with a rock.
“Hey, zombie dude. If you move your rook three spaces forward, you’ll put the rock in checkmate,” Chippy said. The zombie moved his rook three spaces forward.
“CHECKMATE!” Griswold shouted! He then picked the rock up and pulled a quarter out from beneath it.
“Here you go squirrel dude. You can have the quarter that the rock bet on that game of chess because you told me the winning move,” Griswold said as he gave Chippy the quarter. So we took the quarter back to the doorman and the doorman pushed us back through the portal. After arriving back at the Stoned Field, we walked back to the Rouge Encampment.
When we got back to the Rouge Encampment, we went to Akara. “As a reward here are some Froot Loop Decoder Rings. They will give you 0.5 to all stats.”
We then went to Charsi to have her repair our weapons and armor. While there, Charsi told us all about her hammer, the Horadric Malus.
“The Horadric Malus is a magical hammer that I got by sending in 100 box tops and $2.95 to Froot Loops. It arrived in the mail 2-6 business weeks later. It can imbue your weapons with the ability to do 10-20 Lactose Damage. But I left it at the monastery when we ran away from Andariel. Could you go get it back for me. It is in the barracks, being guarded by the Smith, but I’m sure a big, strong, hot druid like you could kill it, Bob,” Charsi said.
“Umm... OK,” I said. We finished having our weapons repaired and started walking towards the Monastery. On the way there a strange metal ship carrying a giant turtle with spikes on its shell crashed. The giant turtle thing crawled out of the wreckage and roared.
“I am BOWSER, THE UNBEATABLE KOOPA KING,” the turtle thing shouted, “All who oppose me shall be roasted to a golden brown color and be eaten!”
“Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi,” Chippy shouted. The turtle thing stared at Chippy.
“I shall roast you all and eat you! Because I’m hungry!” Bowser shouted. He was about to roast us with fire breath when the strange metal ship that the red-hatted, overall-wearing, mustached Italian plumber was driving crashed into him and knocked him into the sky.
“Looks like Team Rocket is blasting off again... no wait... I will defeat you Goku... no wait wrong line again.... Let’s Duel!... ARGH!!!!....TO INFINITY AND BEYOND!... NO THAT WAS THE WRONG LINE AGAIN!!!” Bowser shouted before he disappeared into the sky as a shining star. Then the metal thing that hit him’s lights began to blink as it backed up. Then it flew of into the sky. Then it fell from the sky after it hit a flying duck, and it crashed into Microsoft headquarters of Sanctuary, preventing X-Box from ever being sold in Sanctuary. There was a big party. Then we resumed our quest.
After two hours of walking and listening to Chippy’s constant rambling, we finally reached the Monastery. Then it was another two hours of walking and fighting monsters before we found the Smith.
“Hello. I am the Smith. I want to be governor of California. What can I do for you,” the Smith said in a thick Austrian accent.
“We’re here to take the Horadric Malus back to Charsi,” Betty said.
“Well here it is. You can just take it. And take this free gold as well,” the Smith said.
“Nice try you foul beast, but I won’t fall for your tricks. Hand over the Horadric Malus you son-of-a-telemarketer,” Kirby shouted.
“Why you little... my mother was not a telemarketer. I will kill you all for that remark.” the Smith shouted.
“Oh crap. See what you did Kirby. You made him mad.” I said.
The Smith took out a very big metal wand and pulled a trigger. A lot of small metal round things began to shoot out of the tip. We all hid.
“I can take him,” Kirby said. Kirby then pulled his guns out. He leaped into the air. Suddenly everything was moving in slow motion. Kirby was dodging the Smith’s bullets. Chippy started to sneeze. The kirby leapt into the air and started shooting at the Smith. A bunch of bullets hit the Smith. He fell down dead. Then everything went back into normal speed. Chippy finished sneezing.
“I’ll be back...” the Smith said as he died. We took the Horadric Malus and all the gold in the room. Then we went to the waypoint and teleported back to town. We gave Charsi the Horadric Malus.
“Thank you. Now I can imbue your weapons with the ability to do 10-20 Lactose damage.” Charsi said, staring at me.
“No thanks. That’s just stupid.” I said.
“You can imbue my gun if you want,” Kirby said. He handed Charsi his guns. She imbued them.
“Suddenly Deckard Cain ran up to us,” Chippy said out loud.
“What is that supposed to mean?” Betty asked.
“I was just reading a line from this piece of paper I found that says ‘Bob and Chippy’s Excellent Adventure- Script’” Chippy said.
Suddenly Deckard Cain ran up to us. “Guys, I have an urgent new quest for you to do. Plus, if you complete this quest, you get to go to Act Two!” Deckard Cain said.
“Give us the quest already you old coot,” Kirby said.
“I want you to go kill Andariel. She is hiding on the lowest level of the Catacombs. She is being guarded by an army of very powerful monsters. So go kill her. Now,” Deckard Cain said. So we went to the way point, fought our way through many boring monster until we reached level one of the Catacombs.
“Well, lets begin the long, hard climb down to Andariel,” Betty said.
“Or we could take Andariel’s secret elevator down to the final level of the catacombs,” Chippy said.
“And how are we supposed to find the secret elevator?” Betty asked.
“Well, according to my Diablo 2 Player’s Guide, the secret elevator is right beside the entrance to the Catacombs, with a big neon sign that says ‘Secret Elevator Here’ above it.” Chippy said.
We very quickly found the secret elevator. We took it down to Andariel’s lair.
Once down there we saw a huge horde of evil monsters. They were about to attack us when Kirby pulled out his magic box again.
“ I know! I’ll call the three clones of me from Kirby and the Amazing Mirror here to help us fight.” Kirby said. He pulled the magic box up to his ear. I could hear a voice coming out of it. “I’m sorry but you have gone way over your minutes, plus you’re roaming. If you wish to make a call, it will cost you $100,000,000. Press 1 to continue with your call.” a strange female voice said.
“OH GAWD D!” Kirby shouted.
“What the f, Kirby just beeped. Holy s, I beeped too. Huh? What the h is going on?” Chippy said.
Suddenly a man in a business suit appeared out of nowhere. “Hello, I am a lawyer. In order to keep this story at a PG-13 rating, we had to cut out all vulgar words. The only word you are allowed to say is ass, and only if you’re talking about a donkey.” he said before he disappeared in a puff of smoke.
“Story? What is that supposed to mean? To you guys think we’re all really characters in a story. Does that mean that our fates are all being controlled by some geeks at a computer typing a lame excuse of a fan fiction.” Betty said.
Suddenly, a bunch of metal things with wheels pulled up. A bunch of guys in suits with sunglasses stepped out and held up strange metal wand with a red light on the front.
“Everyone please look into this light,” one of the men in black suits said. Betty stared right at the light. Chippy, Kirby, and I looked away. We saw a bright light flash to our side. We looked back at Betty. She, I mean, he was staring into space.
“What was I talking about again?” Betty said.
“Nothing,” the men in black suits said.
The men in black left.
We started to slay the monsters with our pointy weapons. Betty summoned a cheese golem and it plowed through all of Andariel’s minions. Soon we reached the door into her room. We walked up to the door. It was one of those auto-open doors. They opened. Andariel was in there playing X-Box.
“She is evil,” Chippy whispered into my ear.
Andariel looked from her game of “Hero Hunter” and saw the cheese golem. Then she looked at Betty and said, “So, the rumors are true. There is a necromancer that can summon a being made from my only weakness.”
“What the F does that mean?” asked Chippy.
“See, great heroes, I’m LACTOSE-INTOLERANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Dun dun dun,” stated Andariel.
“Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo,” the cheeses golem said.
“You must die necromancer,” Andariel said as she threw a giant boulder at Betty. Then Kirby ate the cheese golem.
Kirby screamed,”Nooooooooooooooo!!!. That’s the last of the great-tasting cheese golems because Betty is dead. You die now B!”
Once again everything went in slow motion. Kirby pulled out his gun and shot a bullet made out of milk. The speeding bullet, going as fast as a speeding bullet in slow motion, pierced Andariel’s stomach.
“NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!,” Andariel shouted in slow motion. She melted into a pool of pudding. ( Author’s Note: I like pudding- Mike the Great) (Author’s Note: So do I- Jarred)
From the pool of pudding, I grabbed an amulent that gave 10 to my Bling-Bling. Chippy grabbed a spork that gave him 100 to Eating Skills.
“Kirby...” Betty said, who was apparently not quite dead.
Kirby said, “What is it Betty?”
“Take my...wand...the one in my hand.... it gives 3 to summon Cheese Golem...use it uhh.” Betty said as he finally died. (Author’s Note: We think he’s dead- Jarred)
“YES!” Kirby shouted as he took the wand from Betty’s cold, dead hands.
Moments later, after we had returned to camp, we prepared to leave with Warriv.
“Well, I need to get going. Nintendo needs me for some new game called ‘Paper Legend of Kirby Prime Country: Majora’s Ocarina of Wind Waker’s Mask.’ See you later.” Kirby said as he pulled out a new magic box. He pressed a button on this one and a flying star came down and picked him up. He flew off into the distance.
“I’m coming with you. I like field trips. They’re fun,” Deckard Cain said as he put his bags in the trunk of Warriv’s Magical Bus of Travel.
Finally we set off, off to Las Gholein and Act Two.
Well there’s our story. We hoped you liked it. Please review. If you don’t, we’ll send the Mexican Mafia to your house. And all flames will be used to roast dinner. Bye!
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Bob and Chippy’s Excellent Adventure
By Jarred the Best and Mike the Great
Chapter Two Las Gholein
Authors’ note: From now on, we will put the disclaimer at the end so we won’t spoil anything for all you nice readers out there, who want to review our story (Hint Hint) - Mike and Jarred.
After months of slowly moving across the desert, we finally reached Las Gholein. God, was the trip horrible. Deckard Cain wouldn’t shut up and Chippy kept going “Are we there yet? Are we there yet?” It drove me crazy. I was about to kill them when we arrived in Las Gholein. There were neon lights and casinos everywhere. We soon met the mayor of the town, Jerhyn. He was hiding in a trash can.
“Hello, we’re looking for Jerhyn, have you seen him?” I asked Jerhyn, not knowing he was Jerhyn yet.
“You’re debt collectors, aren’t you? Drat, they found my hiding place. Looks like I have to leave,” he replied.
“No wait we aren’t debt collectors, we’re brave heroes,” Chippy said.
“Oh, that’s a relief! I’m Jerhyn, the mayor. I’m hiding from the debt collectors because I’m a gambling addict. I tried going to Gamblers Anonymous, but someone bet me 50 gold I couldn’t make it. I lost,” Jerhyn said. “Make your self at home in this wonder city of Las Gholein.”
We walked around the city until we met a girl named Atma outside the bar.
“Hello, my name is Atma. A mummy named Radament killed my family. Now he must die. He lives in the sewers.” Atma declared.
“We’ll kill him for you. Not that we have anything better to do,” Chippy said.
We walked over to the sewer’s entrance, where we met Greiz. He sold mercenaries.
“Wazzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz up! My name is Greiz, homie. I got what you need, if you know what I mean,” he said.
“You mean mercenaries, right?” I asked.
“Oh yeah squirrel dude, what did you think I meant? Did you think I was trying to sell something illegal to you?” he questioned.
“Oh, a couple things popped into my mind,” Chippy said slyly.
We bought a mercenary named Luke Skywalker.
“Hello, my name is Luke Skywalker. I am a mighty Jedi master. I am on a quest to restore peace to the galaxy. And to score with a chick. Would you believe me if I said I was still a virgin?” Luke said to us.
“I’m not surprised,” Chippy said, rolling his eyes.
“I don’t understand it. I have a big saber. Here look at it,” Luke said as he reached into his pants.
“Oh no we don’t want to see that,” I said as I went to block my eyes.
“What, what’s wrong with seeing my weapon,” he said as he pulled out a strange metal stick. He pressed a button on it and a blade made of pure energy came out of it. “This is my big lightsaber,” he boasted.
We soon ventured down into the sewers. Soon a hoard of angry mummies, skeletons, and sand raiders ambushed us.
“I’ll take care of them,” Luke said. He waved his hand and said, “You will not attack us. You will all go to sleep for a buhzillion years.” For some strange reason, the undead dudes listened. So I killed them in there sleep for experience. Soon, we reached Radament.
“ I knew you would come. I saw your arrival, Luke,” Radament said, in a cheesy Darth Vader voice.
“How dare you impersonate my father. Sure, me and him are characters in a movie, but stop imitating him!” Luke said as he drew his lightsaber.
“Come, join me. Join the Dark Side of the Force,” Radament demanded.
“Never! Not even my old man could get me join the Dark Side,” Luke said.
“Very well. Then you must...DIE!” the mummy said as he pulled out a double-bladed lightsaber. “I got this at a Star Wars convention.”
Luke and Radament engaged in a fierce lightsaber battle. They spent a couple minutes fighting before Luke cut Radament in half.
“Luke, I must tell you something. Luke, I am your father,” Radament said.
“Noooooo...wait, my dad is Darth Vader,” Luke stated.
“I know, I just always wanted to say that,” Radament said as he turned to dust. Then the wind blew Radament’s remains into the air. As his dust blew away, we heard Radament’s voice say, “This is CNN.....Signing off.”
We returned to the surface. Luke Skywalker flew off into the sky in a flying machine he called a X-Wing. We returned to Atma and got our reward, the Horadric Scroll.
“I know you were supposed to grab this in the sewers, but the author’s forgot to make you, so they gave the scroll to me,” she said.
We went to Deckard Cain. We gave him the Horadric Scroll. He looked at it. Afterwards, he went into a porta-potty to “look” at it some more. Then he tried to give it back to us. It was covered in brown.
“You can keep it,” I said.
“Yeah! It’s better than 2-ply. Oh I forgot, you have to look for the Horadric stuff. Look in Chippy’s player’s guide,” he said as he went back to the porta-potty.
According to the player’s guide we had to go to the Halls of the Dead to find the Horadric Gamecube. So we went to the bar to rest up for our journey. There we met a sorceress, who was drinking some 100-proof vodka. She was drunk, really, really, REALLY drunk.
“Hello handsome. Do you come here often?” she asked a stool. The stool didn’t reply. (Author’s Note: No crap Mike- Jarred)
“Um, hello sorceress. My name is Bob, and this is my squirrel Chippy. What is your name wise sorceress?” I stated.
“My name is Abraham Lincoln. Four score and seven years ago, our forefathers came to this country for booze,” she said, standing up and then falling down.
“Well OK, Mr. Lincoln,” Chippy said, staring at the sorceress.
“What, where’s Abe Lincoln. I’ll give him emancipation,” the sorceress said.
The sorceress, who the bartender said was named Budweiser or Bud for short, then passed out. We dragged Bud up to her room. Then we waited until the next morning. She was still drunk, but wasn’t as drunk. So we then went to the desert to began walking to the Halls of the Dead. We were halfway there when a weird person with spiky yellow hair flew down from the sky.
“My name is Goku and I’m here to find the dragon’s balls, Hi-yah,” the freak said.
“I’ll give you some dragon’s balls,” Bud said as she shot a fireball at Goku’s head. It missed by a foot. But oddly enough his hair caught on fire.
“Oh no, that fire caught the fumes from the massive amounts of hair spray I use on fire. I just hope the fire doesn’t cause the can of hair spray I keep in my hair, in case my hair goes flat, to explode and...” Goku started, but luckily for us the can of hair spray did explode and kill him. We were very happy. So we went the rest of the way to the Halls of the Dead singing about how Goku was dead and that Dragonball Z was no more! (Author’s Note: YAY! Ding dong, Goku is dead- Mike)
We soon arrived at the Halls of the Dead. We went inside and battled mummy after mummy after mummy after mommy. Soon we reached were the Horadric Gamecube was held. It was guarded by a Huntress named Bloodwitch the Wild.
“Hey there hot stuff, how would ya’ like a piece of this cake,” Bloodwitch said to Chippy.
“You leave my boyfriend alone,” Bud said.
“That squirrel is your boyfriend?” Bloodwitch inquired.
“He is not my boyfriend!” Bud shouted.
“But you just said..” Bloodwitch began.
“I shut said up,” Bud said. She then shot a fireball at Bloodwitch. This one hit the target. Bloodwitch then stopped, dropped, and rolled. (Author’s Note: Remember kids, if catch on fire, do what Bloodwitch did. Stop, Drop, and Roll- Mike) (Author’s Note: Shut up Mike- Jarred)
“I’ll get you for burning my shirt and bra off,” Bloodwitch shouted.
“Bring it on North Dakota,” Bud said as she torn her own shirt and bra off. Bud and Bloodwitch then began to wrestle. They fell into a pit of conveniently-placed gelatin and continued to wrestle. Needless to say, Chippy and I were very turned on.
Moments later, Chippy, a topless Bud, and I walked out of the Halls of the Dead. I had the Horadric Gamecube in my inventory. Bud had Bloodwitch’s head in her inventory. We found a new shirt and bra for Bud and helped her into them. (Author’s Note: Booooo! -Jarred)
“Now watch as I fly to the the the the the,” Bud said. Then she threw up.
“Ok, let’s walk to the Maggot Lair,” I said. So we walked. And we walked. And we walked some more. Then we sprinted. Then we partied with the desert animals. Then we walked some more. Then, after hitch-hiking with a truck filled with illegal Mexican immigrants, we reached the Maggot Lair. Outside the Maggot Lair, we met a weird, flat, pixilated dude named Mr. Game and Watch.
“My buddy went into the Maggot Lair to get the Horadric Shaft. I think he’s coming back. Yeah, he is. Hey Link!” Mr. Game and Watch said beepingly.
“Hey Mr. Game and Watch. Hey who is this guys,” a tall dude with pointy ears, a green tunic, a pointy green hat, a sword and a shield said.
“The poison from the maggot queen, Coldworm, makes him speak with bad grammar. It’s only temporary,” Mr. Game and Watch said.
“My name is Bob, and this is Chippy and that is,” I began, but Bud cut me off.
“My name is Link. I am on a never-ending quest my girlfriend, Bud the hot sorceress,” Bud said and then puked.
“Mine name are Link, or mine girlfriend’s name is being Zelda, not Bud the sorceress hot,” Link said.
“Oh, shut up,” Chippy said as he slapped Link.
“Thank you small squirrel. Your slap cured me of the poison,” Link said.
“You’re welcome Mr. Dentist,” Bud said.
“O-Kay. What’s her problem,” Link questioned.
“Oh, don’t mind her. Her name is Bud. She’s drunk,” I said.
“Oh,” Link said.
So our party ventured to the Claw Viper Temple. We went in there. It was empty.
“Hello!” Chippy said.
“Hello!” his echo restated.
We soon found the final floor of the Claw Viper Temple. It was empty like the rest of the temple. We found a note next to the Horadric Amulet. It said:
“We have gone to Las Gholein to play Blackjack. Be back soon. Please don’t take the Horadric Amulet.”
- Fangskin, the unique Claw Viper that should be guarding the amulet.
“Too bad, too sad,” Chippy said as he grabbed the Horadric Amulet.
“Now now, didn’t you read my note. I, Fangskin, order you to put the amulet back!” Bud said.
“Shut up,” Link said.
We went back to Las Gholein and followed the directions on the Horadric Gamecube to create the Horadric Staff. Then we went to Deckard Cain.
“You must go to the Arcane Sanctuary and kill the Summoner. But, there is one problem,” Cain said.
“What’s the problem, huh, huh, huh, huh,” Chippy said.
“Squirrels can’t enter the portal to the Arcane Sanctuary. You will have to stay behind Chippy,” Cain said.
“Hey this is Chippy. I’m going to be telling the story for awhile now”
“That blows,” I said.
“It will be ok Chippy. We’ll bring you back a souvenir,” Bob said.
“YAY, YAY, YAY, YAY, YAY, YAY!,” I said running around in circles.
After Bob and the other’s left, I took a nap in our hotel. When I woke up, I went to the casino. I went straight for the poker table. I played several games, winning them all. That’s when he came.
“Hello, my name is Yugi. I like playing card games. Can I play with you? I’m broke but I’m sure you don’t mind,” a short, spiky haired freak with a golden pyramid around his neck.
“Sure you can play. That’s nice bling-bling you have there,” I said.
“You mean my Millennium Puzzle. Yeah, I suppose it does classify as bling-bling,” Yugi said.
“Here’s the deal- if I win, you must let me shave your head. If you win, I must let you shave my tail,” I said.
We played poker. As you can guess, I won.
“No, my beautiful, overly-spiky hair. Well, a deal is a deal. Shave away,” Yugi said. So I shaved him, and then took some pictures so I would always remember this day and just incase I needed to blackmail him, I could. That’s when Bob came back.
“Bob here. My turn to resume narration of MY tale”
“You are soooooooooooo lucky Chippy. First we had to fight a bunch of strong monsters to get into the Sanctuary. Then we had to navigate maze after maze in the Arcane Sanctuary. Then Link asked a dying monster for directions to the Summoner. Then when we reached the Summoner, we had to kill him. God, that was a long fight. So then we went to the Canyon of the Magi. There we saw a waypoint, so we came back here to heal and find you,” I said to Chippy.
“Well, then let’s go kick Duriel’s butt!” Chippy said.
So, Link, Bud, Chippy, and I went to the Canyon of the Magi. Then we made a random guess on what tomb was Tal-Rasha’s real tomb. We had to guess because Bud had eaten the book that told us the symbol on the outside of Tal-Rasha’s true tomb. Luckily, our guess was right because in the inside of the tomb, we found a sign that said “Welcome to the tomb of Tal-Rasha”
After battling our way through hordes of evil monsters, we found the Orifice we were supposed to put the Horadric Staff into. So we did and entered Duriel’s Lair. There we found Duriel. He was sitting in front of a fire place, reading a book and had a cup of tea beside him.
“Well top o’ the morning to ya, good chaps. My name is Duriel.” Duriel said in a British accent.
Link started twitching weirdly. “We have come to slay you foul beast,” He said, twitching.
“Well that’s too bad. I was hoping we could discuss some Shakespearian literature over a spot of tea. Then we could possibly turn the tellie on and watch it,” Duriel said.
“ACK, THAT’S IT! I HATE BRITISH PEOPLE!!!” Link screamed. Link the drew his sword and charged at Duriel.
The fight between Duriel and Link was to graphic to describe. It is too horrible to describe. I don’t even like thinking of it. If I told you what happened that day, you would all be puking right now. So instead I will say the word “puppy.” Every one loves puppies.
Puppy. We now will resume our regularly scheduled programing already in progress.
“Bloody Brit,” Link said as he wiped Duriel’s blood of his sword. So we then went to where Tal-Rasha was supposed to be, but he was gone. Some angel guy with really bright wings named Tyrael told us Diablo freed Tal-Rasha, who was holding Baal in side him. So we went back to Las Gholein, gambled a bit, ditched Bud at some bar, ditched Link at some Legend of Zelda Fan’s Convention, and then went to go on the boat to Act 3. Just as we were about to board the boat, the boat disappeared. Then two kids appeared out of nowhere. One was tall, handsome, and very muscular. The other was short, not that good-looking and very weak. (Author’s Note: You wish Mike. We all know who the ladykiller is.- Jarred) (Author’s Note: Ok, Ok. I’ll fix it- Mike.)
One was tall, slightly good-looking, and not very muscular. The other was short, not any better looking, and muscular.
“My name is Mike the Great. I am one of the amazing authors behind the story ‘Bob and Chippy’s Excellent Adventure’,” the tall one said.
“I am Jarred the Best. I am the other author behind this great story that you should all review,” the short, but muscular, one said.
“We have a quest for you. You must go into the desert and get us....... What were they suppose to get us again,” Mike the Great said.
“The Everlasting Cup of Pudding. You are so much smarter than me Mike the Great,” Jarred the Short said. (Author’s Note: Mike typed that last sentence. I am so much smarter- Jarred) (Author’s Note: You wish Jarred. We all know who is the smarter one- Mike)
“No, we refuse to go into the desert again,” Chippy said.
“Yeah, he’s right. We aren’t going into the desert again,” I said.
“You will to. We are the authors and can do anything we want. Except swear. Not even we can beat the lawyers that prevent us from swearing,” Jarred the Best said.
“We are not stepping foot into that desert,” I said.
Moments later, we were walking through the desert, looking for the Everlasting Cup of Pudding.
“What, how did we get here. But, we were, and we weren’t, and aw crap,” Chippy said.
“HAHAHAHAHAHAHA, We told you you would go to the desert,” Mike the Great’s disembodied voice said.
So Chippy and I walked through the desert until we found the Temple of Everlasting Desserts.
“Stop making us do things we don’t want to do,” I said.
“Then all of a sudden, Bob began to dance,” Jarred the Best’s voice said.
Then all of a sudden, I began to dance.
“Then Chippy and Bob went into the temple and fought a giant monster made of Jell-O. When they defeated it, they found the Everlasting Cup of Pudding, then they town portaled back to town,” Mike the Great’s voice said.
Then Chippy and I went into the temple and fought a giant monster made of Jell-O. When we defeated it, we found the Everlasting Cup of Pudding, then we town portaled back to town.
“I hate you guys,” I said.
“Then Bob gave Mike the Great and Jarred the Best the Everlasting Cup of Pudding and said ‘You guys are the coolest people in the whole world.’,” Jarred the Best’s voice said.
Then I gave Mike the Great and Jarred the Best the Everlasting Cup of Pudding and said, “You guys are the coolest people in the whole world.”
So then Mike the Great and Jarred the Best teleported away with their pudding cup, and the boat to Act 3 reappeared and we went to Act 3, in Kurast.
DISCLAIMER: We do not own Diablo 2, any Nintendo characters or systems, Dragonball Z, Yu-Gi-Oh, any presidents or states mentioned, Jell-O, Budweiser, Shakespeare, Shakespeare’s works, the word tellie (That’s Britain’s word), or Star Wars. So there.
We hope you liked our story. Please review, and all flames will be used to keep Santa out of our house. Let’s see how well Mr. Claus can go down a chimney with fire in it.
ADDITIONAL DISCLAIMER: Oh, and we don’t own Santa Claus.
FREE COOKIES
:vader: :trooper: :trooper: :trooper: :trooper: We got Death Star
Help Mr. Bunny take over the world!
Bob and Chippy’s Excellent Adventure
By Mike the Great and Jarred the Best
Act 3: Kurast
Insert Author’s Note here: Hi. Um, we’re back. Here’s the story.
Another Author’s Note: In several parts of this chapter, characters will speak in a foreign language. When they do, we will provide a handy translation next to what they said.
We had finally arrived in Kurast after a long journey across the sea. Boy was I glad to be on land again. Chippy got seasick, and it was a huge mess. We stepped onto the docks and looked around. Chippy turned to me and whispered, “Bob, I see morons.”
“I know, I see them too,” I said.
“Well boys, if you need me, I’ll be by your private stash trying to break in...I mean guarding it. Yes, guarding it,” Deckard Cain said.
Chippy and I walked around town looking for a quest. But no one had a quest. So we walked to the jungle to find something to kill. On the way out we saw an Amazon with rather large breasts. Oh, and a bow.
“Hello, my name is Bob. I’m a druid. And this is Chippy, my squirrel sidekick,” I said.
“Ooooh, you have very large jugs,” Chippy said.
“Hola, mi nombre es Maria y tengo un arco,” she said.
(Translation: Hello, my name is Maria and I have a bow)
“Um, ok. Hello nombre, my name is Chippy. You have very large jugs,” Chippy said very slowly.
“Um Chippy, I think her name is Maria,” I said.
“Why do you think that?” Chippy asked.
“Well, Maria was capitalized when Mike and Jarred typed it and nombre wasn’t,” I replied.
“Ohhhhhhhhh,” Chippy said.
Suddenly, a book fell into my hands. It was the book 7438 Useful Spanish Phrases. It had a note on front of the cover. The note said, “USE THIS TO TALK TO THE AMAZON. IT HAS SPANISH WORDS IN IT. FROM, MIKE THE GREAT AND JARRED THE BEST.”
“Ok, let’s see here. Hola, mi nombre es Bob. Soy un druid. Éste es mi sidekick de la ardilla, Chippy,” I said
(Translation: Hello, my name is Bob. I am a druid. This is my squirrel sidekick, Chippy.)
“Niza para satisfacer le, Bob y Chippy,” Maria said.
(Translation: Nice to meet you, Bob and Chippy.)
“Síganos,” I said.
(Translation: Follow us.)
“Bien.” she said.
(Translation: Alright.)
We walked into the jungle. After walking for 3 minutes, we began to here music. It was another 2 minutes before I recognized the music.
“Is that the music to Thriller?” I said.
“It can’t be. That would mean, he is here.” Chippy said.
We all turned around. Standing right in front of us was...Michael Jackson! And behind Michael Jackson was an army of zombies dancing to the tune of Thriller! Maria took out her bow and tried to shoot the zombies. But they just danced out of the way of the arrows. Suddenly I had an idea.
“Hey, Michael Jackson. Look behind you. It’s a small child,” I shouted.
“Where,” Michael Jackson said as he turned around, “ I don’t see any small children. You’re just ignorant.”
“NOW CHIPPY,” I shouted.
Chippy leapt at Michael Jackson and snapped his neck. Then all the zombies turned into fuzzy bunnies and ran off into the jungle.
“Yay, we killed Michael Jackson!” Chippy shouted, “Hey, there is something in his pants.”
“You grab it Chippy,” I said.
“No, you grab it Bob,” Chippy said.
“No you grab it,” I said.
“No you grab it,” Chippy said.
“No you,” I said.
“No you,” Chippy said.
“You,” I said.
“You,” Chippy said.
“You,” I said.
“You,” Chippy said.
“No you,” I said.
“No you,” Chippy said.
“You,” I said.
“You,” Chippy said.
“You,” I said.
“You,” Chippy said.
“No you,” I said.
“No you,” Chippy said.
“You,” I said.
“You,” Chippy said.
“You,” I said.
“You,” Chippy said.
“No you,” I said.
“No you,” Chippy said.
“You,” I said.
“You,” Chippy said.
“You,” I said.
“You,” Chippy said.
“No you,” I said.
“No you,” Chippy said.
“You,” I said.
“You,” Chippy said.
“You,” I said.
“You,” Chippy said.
“No you,” I said.
“No you,” Chippy said.
“You,” I said.
“You,” Chippy said.
“You,” I said.
“You,” Chippy said.
“No you,” I said.
“No you,” Chippy said.
“You,” I said.
“You,” Chippy said.
“You,” I said.
“You,” Chippy said.
“Lo haré,” Maria said as she reached into Michael Jackson’s pants. After a minute of rummaging around she pulled out the Jade Idol.
(Translation: I will do it.)
“Encontré esto donde su pene debe estar,” Maria said holding up the Jade Idol.
(Translation: I found this where his ***** should be.)
“You know what, learn some English you f-EXPLETIVE DELETED immigrant,” Chippy screamed.
“Wow, the lawyers have a new way to censor us,” I said.
We took Michael Jackson’s toy, I mean the Jade Idol into town. We talked to Deckard Cain about what to do with it.
“Um, maybe you should read Chippy’s Diablo 2 Player’s Guide. I don’t know what you should do with it,” Cain said.
So we read Chippy’s Player’s Guide and it told us to take it to Meshif. So we took it to Meshif and he gave us a gold bird. Then the Player’s Guide told us the gold bird was the Golden Bird of Ronald McDonald. The Player’s Guide told us to give the bird to Alkor. So we went to his hut.
“Hey y’all. If you mow you lawn and find a car, you might be a redneck,” Alkor said.
“Oh no, not redneck jokes. Why, why Mike the Great and Jarred the Best, why did you make him tell redneck jokes,” I said.
“For two reasons. 1. Redneck jokes are funny and 2. We hate you,” Mike the Great’s voice said.
Jarred the Best’s voice laughed evilly.
“If you leave the Golden Bird of Ronald McDonald here, I’ll make a Big Mac of Life that lets you git-r-done. Oh, and it gives you 20 extra life permanently,” Alkor said.
“Just take it,” Chippy said, handing him the Bird.
We walked out of his hut. Then, because the Player’s Guide told us that he would be done, we walked back in to his hut. Alkor had the Big Macs of Life ready.
“You want fries with that?” Alkor asked
“Um, no thanks,” I said as I took the Big Mac and ate it.
“Then let me leave you with these words of wisdom. If you have ever been accused of lying through your tooth, you might be a redneck,” Alkor said.
“Quick Chippy, run. Before he tells another redneck joke,” I said. We ran from Alkor’s hut.
“All right, to speed the chapter up, we are going to use our author powers to instantly give you the Gidbinn quest,” Jarred the Best’s voice boomed.
So we walked into the jungle to find the Gidbinn. After an hour of walking and killing stuff, we ran into Donkey Kong.
“Hello, my name are Donkey Kong. You are called what?” Donkey Kong said.
“My name is Bob, this is Chippy the squirrel and that is Maria the Spanish-speaking Amazon,” I said.
“Hola,” Maria said.
(Translation: Hello.)
“Hey Maria, there is something I’ ve been wanting to say since we met,” Chippy said as he pulled out 7438 Handy Spanish Phrases.
“Tengo un pollo en mis pantalones y una cabra está comiendo su ropa interior,” Chippy said.
(Translation: I have a chicken in my pants and a goat is eating your underwear.)
Maria slapped him.
“What did you say to her?” I asked.
“I think I said ‘Let’s have a sandwich together and maybe even go out on a date’ but I could have translated wrong,” Chippy said.
“Usted es una ardilla muy estúpida,” Maria said.
(Translation: You are a very stupid squirrel.)
So then, Donkey Kong joined our party and we walked and killed stuff some more. Then we walked a bit farther. Then we realized we were lost.
“We already passed that tree,” Chippy said.
“You know how?” Donkey Kong asked.
“I’m a squirrel. We squirrels can tell these kind of things,” Chippy said.
“I know the way to the Gidbinn,” a mysterious voice said.
“Who said that?” I asked.
“I did. I’m Rocky the Talking Rock,” the voice said.
“Rocky the Talking Rock...ROCKY THE TALKING ROCK! Come on guys, that’s pathetic. Even for you,” I said.
“HEY! We ran out of ideas,” Mike the Great’s voice boomed.
“It’s still lame, with a capital lame,” Chippy said.
“That’s it, as punishment for calling my idea lame...” Mike the Great’s voice began.
“Even though it is,” Jarred the Best’s voice said.
“Shut up. As I was saying, before I was SO rudely interrupted, as punishment, I will teleport the Gidbinn up Donkey Kong’s donkey, if you know what I mean,” Mike the Great’s voice said.
“You mean me’s butt, not do you,” Donkey Kong said.
“Yeah,” Mike the Great’s voice said as a snapping noise was heard.
“YEEEEEOWWWWWWWWW! MY’S A-EXPLETIVE DELETED,” Donkey Kong shouted.
“Alright, in order to avoid another two pages of arguing, we’ll draw straws. However gets the shortest straw has to reach up Donkey Kong’s butt,” I said. So we drew straws. And Chippy got the shortest.
“AW GAWD D-EXPLETIVE DELETED IT, F-EXPLETIVE DELETED PIECE OF S-EXPLETIVE DELETED LUCK,” Chippy screamed. (Author’s Note: If it weren’t for the lawyers, that would of been a very long string of profanity- Mike the Great)
Moments later Chippy stepped out wearing a Haz-Mat suit.
“I’m going in,” Chippy said as he walked up Donkey Kong’s butt.
“Ooooooooh, aaaaaaaaaaah, uh, oook,” Donkey Kong grunted.
We now take a commercial break for a word from our sponsor: Viagra.
Yoda walks out to the middle of a bedroom. He climbs into a bed.
“When as old as me, are you, not so easy to get stiff it is,” Yoda says.
“So when I need my lightsaber to get a bit longer, I take Viagra. And now since Medicare covers Viagra, it’s easy than ever to get,” Yoda says.
Camera zooms out to see who Yoda is in bed with. He’s sleeping with Bud the Drunk Sorceress.
“What am I doing again?” Bud says, drunk.
“We’re about to git-r-done,” Yoda says.
“Is there booze involved,” Bud asks.
“There will be if you want baby!” Yoda says.
“Then do to me whatever you want, Harry Potter,” Bud says.
A monkey with dredlocks walks in and says, “WHAT!”
Then the monkey walks over and kicks Yoda in the balls.
“OKAY!” the monkey says.
“Oi,” Yoda says.
Then, all the side effects to taking Viagra flash across the screen so fast, no one can read them. People with Direct TV may now pause to read them.
Then the word Viagra appears across the screen as the song “Can’t Touch This” begins to play.
Then M.C. Hammer appears with 20 hot cheerleaders and begins to dance with the monkey.
Then the door opens and Trojan Boy walks in and says, “Want to warm things up?”
Then a deep voice says, “TROJAN BOY!”
FIN’
(Author’s Note: When we were watching the Super Bowl, we saw a commercial for the top ten things that need to be in a commercial. While we don’t remember them all, we crammed as many as we could remember into this commercial. We hope you like it. And please excuse the excessive potty humor that exists in this story. We’re perverts.- Mike the Great and Jarred the Best)
We now resume our regularly scheduled adventure in progress. Where were we again?
Moments later Chippy walked out with the Gidbinn and a thermometer.
“Yay, you found the Gidbinn. And a...thermometer?” I said.
“Yeah, I found the Gidbinn and then I saw this thermometer right beside it,” he said.
“Oh, that to the vet belong,” Donkey Kong said.
So we then town-portaled back to town. Then we went to Ormus. (Author’s Note: Hey, I invented a verb-Mike the Great)
“Wow dudes, like what’s up. Hey, you’re like, a little squirrel dude,” Ormus said with a surfer’s accent, pointing at Chippy.
“Noooooo, I thought I was a hippopotamus,” Chippy said as he rolled his eyes.
“Wow, you mean you’re like really a hippo dude,” Ormus said
“Yes, I’m a hippo,” Chippy said.
“I heard you were the one we were supposed to bring the Gidbinn to,” I said.
“Yeah, you like totally heard right. I can like use it to like do this thing that will like protect the town and stuff,” Ormus said.
So I handed the Gidbinn to Ormus. He gave me a ring that gave plus 15 to Surfing Skills.. I put it in my pocket.
Then suddenly Donkey Kong dropped due to time out.
Then we talked to Deckard Cain. He told us to check Chippy’s Player’s Guide ‘cause he didn’t know squat about Act III. The Player’s Guide told us to type “/cheat Organ Harvest” in the chat window to get Kalim’s Spleen, Liver and Bladder. So we did. It then told us that Kalim’s Lightsaber was in a high-security complex that required a James Bond parody to get into.
We walked through the jungle until we ran into the high-security complex. That’s when we met two new party members.
“¡Oh mi dios, es Legolas!” Maria shouted.
(Translation: Oh my God, it’s Legolas!)
“The name is Bond, Legolas Bond,” Legolas said. He flicked his hair. Several girls, including Maria, fainted.
Then Jon Moctezuma, a good friend of the authors, fell out of the sky.
“Hello, my name is Jon Moctezuma. I am the don of the Mexican Mafia and protector of all things Mexican,” Jon said.
Maria woke up and said,”Oh mi dios, es Jon Moctezuma, temido mucho pone de la Mafia mexicana.”
(Translation: Oh my God, it’s Jon Moctezuma, the much feared don of the Mexican Mafia.)
“Don’t worry large-breasted, Spanish-speaking Amazon, I will protect you as if you were part of the family...and I don’t mean my parents and sister,” Jon said.
So then Jon, Legolas, Chippy, Maria, and I all walked into the high-security complex, because they had left the front door open. Once inside, we encountered several guards with bows and arrows. Legolas pulled out his bow and began shooting all the guards. He killed them. We soon made it to the inner chamber where Kalim’s Lightsaber was kept. There we met Auric Goldfinger and Oddjob. You know, Goldfinger and Oddjob. Classic Bond villains. Aw, forget it.
“Very good Mr. Legolas. But you forgot one thing. My assassin, Oddjob!” Goldfinger said.
“But I didn’t,” Jon shouted. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a packet that said, “ Instant Chupacabra, Just Add Water.” He then took out a small capsule from the packet and poured water on it. A chupacabra popped out.
Maria screamed, “¡Oh mi dios, es el Chupacabra! Cada uno oculta sus cabras.”
(Translation: Oh my God, it’s the Chupacabra! Everyone hide your goats.)
Then the Chupacabra killed Oddjob. Jon quickly ran over and took Oddjob’s Hat.
We looked around and Goldfinger had ran away. We noticed a yellow puddle where he once stood. It was non-dairy. At least I think.
We soon found Kalim’s Lightsaber.
“Well now that you have Kalim’s Lightsaber, this is my cue to leave,” Legolas said.
“Legolas,” Maria said.
(Translation: Legolas.)
“We’ll meet again my love. I promise,” Legolas said. He and Maria kissed for 30 minutes. Then Legolas strapped on a jet pack and flew off into the distance. Then the entire Legolas Fanclub (Current Membership: 1,000,000,000,000,000,096; 1,000,000,000,000,000,096 of which are women) gave Maria a jealous glare.
We all stared at Jon.
“Oh no, I’m not leaving until Mephesto is dead,” Jon said.
We all sighed in despair.
Suddenly, Ormus appeared on his surfboard on a magic tidal wave that was popping out of the ground.
“Like, dudes. All the rest of the quests are like kind of mushed together, so you can like to them at the same time. You like so totally need to like put Kalim’s Body Parts and his Lightsaber into the Horadric Gamecube and fuse them to like make Kalim’s Uber-Lightsaber. Then you like totally need to like kill the High Council. They’re like strong and evil and like scary and stuff. Then you have to like destroy the Compelling Orb with Kalim’s Uber-Lightsaber. Then you like have to kill Mephesto. He’s like so untubular. He like hates people, because he like is like so totally the Lord of Hatred,” Ormus said before he surfed off.
So we fused the Kalim’s objects to make Kalim’s Uber-Lightsaber. Then we took a Conveniently Placed Portal (TM) to where the High Council was. Jon called in the Mexican Mafia, who helped the High Council make it to there “Slumber party with the fishes,” as Jon put it. We then destroyed the Compelling Orb. Then we fought our way trough hordes of enemies until we found Mephesto. He looked like he had just climbed out of a rap music video. He had a red bandana, lots and lots of bling-bling, a jersey, and baggy jean shorts.
“Yo dawgs. Waz up in the hizzle. You ready to die, beyotches,” Mephesto said.
“I’ll take care of this,” Jon said. He pulled out Oddjob’s Hat and hurled it at Mephesto.
“Oh ****izzle,” Mephesto said just as the hat decapitated him.
“That was off the hizzle,” Chippy said.
“Don’t you start,” I said.
So we defeated Mephesto and returned to town. Awaiting us was a mariachi band and a huge congo line.
“Well guys, that’s my cue to leave. So long!” Jon said as he joined the congo line which congoed off into the distance. (Author’s Note: Wow, I invented another new verb-Mike the Great)
Maria looked off into the distance. Then she said,” Mi dios. Adios Amigos,” and ran off into the distance.
(Translation: My god. Goodbye friends.)
Seconds later the Border Patrol ran by shouting, “Stop that Amazon!”
So then we took another Conveniently Placed Portal (TM) to Act 4, H-EXPLETIVE DELETED. Aw man, Mike the Great and Jarred the best better work on getting the lawyers to let us say h-e-double hockey sticks or the next chapter will be kind of annoying.
Well that’s the end of that chapter. Now time for the disclaimer.
DISCLAIMER: We do not own Diablo 2; Nintendo, any of its characters or consoles (although we both own Gamecubes) ; Michael Jackson or Thriller (And we’re glad) ; McDonald’s, Ronald McDonald, or Big Mac; the phrase git-r-done ; any redneck jokes ; any Haz-Mat suits (though we wish we did) ; Viagra ; Yoda or Lightsabers ; Medicare ; Harry Potter ; Direct TV ; M.C. Hammer and the song “Can’t Touch This” (we wish we did) ; Trojan Man (which Trojan Boy is a blatant rip-off of) ; the Superbowl ; James Bond, Auric Goldfinger, Oddjob, or Oddjob’s Hat ; Legolas ; Jon Moctezuma (because slavery is illegal)
However we do own the Mexican Mafia; the phrase Conveniently Placed Portal (TM) ; Instant Chupacabra, Just Add Water ; Rocky the Talking Rock ; 7438 Handy Spanish Phrases ; and the verbs town-portaled and congoed.
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:vader: :trooper: :trooper: :trooper: :trooper: We got Death Star
Help Mr. Bunny take over the world!
FREE COOKIES
:vader: :trooper: :trooper: :trooper: :trooper: We got Death Star
Help Mr. Bunny take over the world!
Me and Dwarf are working on Chapter 4. I should finish it next time I'm over at Dwarf's house. Or not. I might be lazy.
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:vader: :trooper: :trooper: :trooper: :trooper: We got Death Star
Help Mr. Bunny take over the world!
- PJ
Level 2 Judge
Token and Playmat Store
Beyond the Guildpact
FREE COOKIES
:vader: :trooper: :trooper: :trooper: :trooper: We got Death Star
Help Mr. Bunny take over the world!