One of my good friends, a girl, has started announcing to both me and my friends that we are not in a relationship, but "when we're 30 years old and single we're going to get married". That seems like something I should stay away from doesn't it? I wouldn't mind being in a relationship with her NOW, but if that's her attitude I probably shouldn't encourage it right? Especially seeing as though I don't mind just being friends.
And then at a similar time she has started asking me to do stuff with her that would seem overtly romantic, and now I don't know how to take it aha. For example, my birthday is this weekend and she asked me if I want to goto the Carols by Candlelight with her in the city. I asked her who else was coming, and her response was simply: "Me :)". I haven't replied yet.
Also, the other day she "decided for me" that this New Year's Eve we're taking a train up the coast together, watching a football (soccer) match (I'm a football fanatic), watching the fireworks on the beach together and then going to one of her friend's parties that she "got me invited to".
I'm not sure how to handle this, it seems very precarious and to be honest - I'm at the point where I just don't want things to end badly, resulting in any unnecessary stress.
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This is how relationships are "supposed" to happen:
1. Two people are attracted to each other.
2. The two people spend time together, fall in love.
3. The two people consider spending the rest of their lives together, what that would mean, etc.
4. (Potentially) One person proposes and the two get married.
This is what your friend sounds like:
1. A person wants to be married by 30, perhaps so he/she can have a child.
2. The person looks for someone who will marry them. Love/compatibility is desirable but not necessary.
3. The person uses a combination of seduction and coercion to guarantee the marriage.
4. The marriage is a sham, but the first person presumably got what they wanted.
I don't know the context, but it's hard for me to believe that this is anything but a horrible idea. You should definitely tell her that you don't agree to the marriage pact and that you will never be more than just friends.
doesn't hurt to investigate and ask her what's going on and why she's calling the shots.
did you make any sort of promises to her like this in the past?
At the most I said yes when she proposed it to me so that she would stop nagging me, or because I thought she was joking - but never in a tone that sounded at all enthusiastic.
This is how relationships are "supposed" to happen:
1. Two people are attracted to each other.
2. The two people spend time together, fall in love.
3. The two people consider spending the rest of their lives together, what that would mean, etc.
4. (Potentially) One person proposes and the two get married.
This is what your friend sounds like:
1. A person wants to be married by 30, perhaps so he/she can have a child.
2. The person looks for someone who will marry them. Love/compatibility is desirable but not necessary.
3. The person uses a combination of seduction and coercion to guarantee the marriage.
4. The marriage is a sham, but the first person presumably got what they wanted.
I don't know the context, but it's hard for me to believe that this is anything but a horrible idea. You should definitely tell her that you don't agree to the marriage pact and that you will never be more than just friends.
Oh no, I don't think this is some grand plan for her to get married. We do really like each other, but for some reason I guess she doesn't want to commmit to anything until the future which "being 30" metaphorically represents. She seems to have some idea or at least hope that she can lock me in. She refers to me as "My Daniel" and sometimes goes on odd rants about other girls I speak to. She likes me a lot, I like her a lot - but she's strung me along for so long that I'm at the point where I'm about over it. But then suddenly she's started escalating really quickly lately with all of the aforementioned stuff.
Maybe you should talk to her about this since she's a good friend of yours. All you're going to get from us is speculation.
I agree with this sentiment. Just speak with her about it. And if she gives you the run around, just say "How about we make it a date?" or something along those lines.
I've been in this situation before as a freshman in college. I had a very close friend who said the same things and acted similarly, and kept saying things like 'You'd be the perfect guy in 10 years...'
Long story short, after a year of being backseated as 'plan B' every time she met a new chump who had potential to be 'plan A', I had a realization:
No one spends their life looking forward to implementing the backup plan - that's why its a backup plan instead of the primary plan. You either love someone enough to be with them, or you don't. And if you love the person enough to be with them, then there's no reason to ever, ever hope that someone else comes along who will be better.
So I asked myself the question: 'If I'm not important enough for her to commit to at this time, why would I be important enough to her to commit to at some arbitrarily predetermined time in the future?'
If you reflect and find, like me, that there is no answer to that question, here's my advice: tell her how you feel and ask her that question. If both of you are in agreement that you want to date, then date and see where it goes. If either of you don't want to date and would rather keep your options open, then its not worthwhile to do these things together because your entire relationship is predicated on a half truth at best and a lie at worst.
Be forewarned though, in my case, we had that talk, and neither of us could answer that question and it really ate into our trust, and eventually into our friendship. Five years later, we are not close anymore, even if we are both much better off for what happened. The bottom line is that you both have feelings and both trust each other, so think deep and talk about it.
I wouldn't engage in a committed romantic relationship with her if I were in this situation. Odd things being said such as "getting married at 30" can either be taken lightheartedly as a joke or as an indicator of something devious of her or her plans. To me, she seems to be coercing you with these gifts and does not appear to be 'right' or 'natural' but more as if it were a way of bribing you, or buying your affection/love/commitment. Her ranting about other females and odd possessiveness doesn't help the case either.
CrazyMike also nailed it with that question, if she is not capable of committing to you (or any relationship) until 30, whether it be a joke or seriousness, shows a sign of immaturity as well as an act of trying to get a metaphorical foot-in-the-door, another form of stringing you along as you claimed she's done to you before.
My advice would be to just sit back, enjoy the ride, and appreciate the friendship you two have for each other while finding a way to divert away from the attraction you two have for each other. ****-block yourself and offer to bring some friends with you on these trips. Or reconsider going at all.
In the end, it's all up to you. Just strive for what you feel is best for your own good and the good of the friendship you already have.
Be romantic and tell her how you feel about her. Maybe she wants that from you before she commits. Women want to be swept off of their feet. If you are romantic with her and she still treats you like this, ditch her. Fast, because she's treating you like a "pull in case of emergency" switch.
You guys are being way too harsh. From the looks of it, she's not an evil mastermind trying to seduce and destroy OP's heart, to me she's just flirting with him, and you know what? flirting is awesome.
@OP if you are young and inexperienced you may have this irrational fear of being dumped or made fun of, but let me tell you, those things doesn't really happen, girls are just like men, there's good and bad girls out there, and mostly are good persons (and even if they aren't, you will notice if soon enough and everyone can end bad relationships). Considering you find the girl a good person, I would say to give it a shot. Open yourself to her, with a smile in the face ask what she wants, if she want to start a relationship with you. If she doesn't, life goes on and no one is hurt, if she does, awesome, go enjoy life, because life's good.
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The game is not being dumbed down. Control is doing fine; Draw-Go is not the only kind of control. Aggro is doing fine; Red Deck Wins is not the only kind of aggro. Creature combat is an important core concept and belongs in every color. Mythic rarity is not destroying the game. People whine too much for no good reason. Magic is more popular than ever, so keep calm, brew some decks and play some damn cards.
You guys are being way too harsh. From the looks of it, she's not an evil mastermind trying to seduce and destroy OP's heart, to me she's just flirting with him
She said, "when we're 30 years old and single we're going to get married."
Translate what it most likely means: "If I can't find anyone that I actually like, I'll just use your seed to make a baby before it's too late."
That isn't normal flirtation stuff. That's borderline nutty town if you are trying to FLIRT. Saying stuff like that isn't necessarily how relationships ought to begin. Not at all.
Tell her you are confused. She clearly has some sort of weird idea in place and you should figure out exactly what it is.
I think the girl in question is a textbook case of 'thinks romantic comedies are what happens in real life'. Tell her you don't understand the 'married at 30' thing, and that quite frankly, it's a little insulting that she'd only consider being with you once she reaches a deadline and hasn't found anyone better.
Translate what it most likely means: "If I can't find anyone that I actually like, I'll just use your seed to make a baby before it's too late."
…When I was 18 I had a girl say the exact same thing to me. It wasn’t a “backup plan” situation at all. It was a “I like you and I want you to know I like you but I don’t want to tell you I like you in case you don’t like me but I hope you’ll say ‘ok’ so I know you like me.” situation.
Everything the OP has described sounds like some stupid teenage BS. That’s not meant to be derogatory – we were all once stupid teenagers who got caught up and confused by teenage BS. I highly doubt this girl is an evil mastermind laying the groundwork for a decade+ long baby-making factory. More likely, she’s just an unsophisticated teenager/twenty-something who is inexperienced with male/female dynamics.
Cut her a break… she’s probably just some kid who has a crush on a boy and doesn’t know how to manage it.
The most important qualities that a woman looks for in a man have nothing to do with his looks or his brains. It has to do with how confident and assertive he is. So if you tell her, "Ok we can get married if we are both single at 30", that sounds pretty passive to me. An assertive way of broaching the subject to her would be to say something like, "If you want to marry me when we are 30, then you are interested in me today. Don't play games with me."
…When I was 18 I had a girl say the exact same thing to me. It wasn’t a “backup plan” situation at all. It was a “I like you and I want you to know I like you but I don’t want to tell you I like you in case you don’t like me but I hope you’ll say ‘ok’ so I know you like me.” situation.
Everything the OP has described sounds like some stupid teenage BS. That’s not meant to be derogatory – we were all once stupid teenagers who got caught up and confused by teenage BS. I highly doubt this girl is an evil mastermind laying the groundwork for a decade+ long baby-making factory. More likely, she’s just an unsophisticated teenager/twenty-something who is inexperienced with male/female dynamics.
Cut her a break… she’s probably just some kid who has a crush on a boy and doesn’t know how to manage it.
Yup.
Sounds like she's just flirting.
She might be doing it because she likes OP and this is her way of letting him know or she might be doing it because she's a flirt.
Won't know until you ask, OP.
Also, I don't mean to be a dick, but are those of you in the "crazy manipulative *****" camp regularly pursued or flirted with? I ask because it seems pretty obvious that that's most likely all she's doing and the only reason I can think that someone would assume she had some nefarious plot in mind is if they were completely unfamiliar with a girl flirting with them.
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"Of course you should fight fire with fire. You should fight everything with fire."
—Jaya Ballard, task mage
redthirst is redthirst, fifth Horseman of the Apocalypse. He was the leader of the Fires of Salvation, the only clan I'm aware of to get modded off the forums so hard they made their own forums.
Degenerate? Sure. Loudmouth? You bet. Law abiding? No ****ing way.
It wasn’t a “backup plan” situation at all. It was a “I like you and I want you to know I like you but I don’t want to tell you I like you in case you don’t like me but I hope you’ll say ‘ok’ so I know you like me.” situation.
Yeah, I tried to make a similar point in my first post. If the OP is serious about trying to date her, and she still acts like this continually as time goes on, then it becomes more than just a silly teenager thing.
Are you guys crazy? This girl is doing everything in her power aside from actually raping you to tell you that she is most definitely interested in you. Man up and kiss her.
Secondly, the joke about a marriage pact is from a popular sitcom! Dont read in to things too much.
In summation, girl likes you, girl wants you, the only reason you arent with girl is because you forgot your testicles in your other pants. Girl isnt crazy, girl just wants you and will do everything ASIDE from making the first move to get you, hoping that you will find said testicles and be a man for her.
Good luck sir, the only thing standing in the way of you and this girl .... is you.
If I could use mod text without it being an abuse of power I'd use it to say:
Go to the Candlelight thing and try to kiss her. If it works, okay cool. If not, it'll work out.
Don't stress over it.
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Sing lustily and with good courage.
Be aware of singing as if you were half dead,
or half asleep:
but lift your voice with strength.
Be no more afraid of your voice now,
nor more ashamed of its being heard,
than when you sang the songs of Satan.
And then at a similar time she has started asking me to do stuff with her that would seem overtly romantic, and now I don't know how to take it aha. For example, my birthday is this weekend and she asked me if I want to goto the Carols by Candlelight with her in the city. I asked her who else was coming, and her response was simply: "Me :)". I haven't replied yet.
Also, the other day she "decided for me" that this New Year's Eve we're taking a train up the coast together, watching a football (soccer) match (I'm a football fanatic), watching the fireworks on the beach together and then going to one of her friend's parties that she "got me invited to".
I'm not sure how to handle this, it seems very precarious and to be honest - I'm at the point where I just don't want things to end badly, resulting in any unnecessary stress.
Temporarily retired from the game
Thanks a bunch to Rivenor from Miraculous Recovery Signatures for the awesome sigpic!
Rage quit reason of the moment:
did you make any sort of promises to her like this in the past?
1. Two people are attracted to each other.
2. The two people spend time together, fall in love.
3. The two people consider spending the rest of their lives together, what that would mean, etc.
4. (Potentially) One person proposes and the two get married.
This is what your friend sounds like:
1. A person wants to be married by 30, perhaps so he/she can have a child.
2. The person looks for someone who will marry them. Love/compatibility is desirable but not necessary.
3. The person uses a combination of seduction and coercion to guarantee the marriage.
4. The marriage is a sham, but the first person presumably got what they wanted.
I don't know the context, but it's hard for me to believe that this is anything but a horrible idea. You should definitely tell her that you don't agree to the marriage pact and that you will never be more than just friends.
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Chances of bad hands (<2 or >4 land):
21: 28.9%
22: 27.5%
23: 26.3%
24: 25.5%
25: 25.1%
26: 25.3%
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At the most I said yes when she proposed it to me so that she would stop nagging me, or because I thought she was joking - but never in a tone that sounded at all enthusiastic.
Oh no, I don't think this is some grand plan for her to get married. We do really like each other, but for some reason I guess she doesn't want to commmit to anything until the future which "being 30" metaphorically represents. She seems to have some idea or at least hope that she can lock me in. She refers to me as "My Daniel" and sometimes goes on odd rants about other girls I speak to. She likes me a lot, I like her a lot - but she's strung me along for so long that I'm at the point where I'm about over it. But then suddenly she's started escalating really quickly lately with all of the aforementioned stuff.
I guess that makes sense. I just don't know when I should bring this up, and how. It almost feels better just to let whatever it is blow over.
Temporarily retired from the game
Thanks a bunch to Rivenor from Miraculous Recovery Signatures for the awesome sigpic!
Rage quit reason of the moment:
Also, how old are the both of you? And how long have you known each other?
4th place at CCC&G Pro Tour
Chances of bad hands (<2 or >4 land):
21: 28.9%
22: 27.5%
23: 26.3%
24: 25.5%
25: 25.1%
26: 25.3%
I agree with this sentiment. Just speak with her about it. And if she gives you the run around, just say "How about we make it a date?" or something along those lines.
Long story short, after a year of being backseated as 'plan B' every time she met a new chump who had potential to be 'plan A', I had a realization:
No one spends their life looking forward to implementing the backup plan - that's why its a backup plan instead of the primary plan. You either love someone enough to be with them, or you don't. And if you love the person enough to be with them, then there's no reason to ever, ever hope that someone else comes along who will be better.
So I asked myself the question: 'If I'm not important enough for her to commit to at this time, why would I be important enough to her to commit to at some arbitrarily predetermined time in the future?'
If you reflect and find, like me, that there is no answer to that question, here's my advice: tell her how you feel and ask her that question. If both of you are in agreement that you want to date, then date and see where it goes. If either of you don't want to date and would rather keep your options open, then its not worthwhile to do these things together because your entire relationship is predicated on a half truth at best and a lie at worst.
Be forewarned though, in my case, we had that talk, and neither of us could answer that question and it really ate into our trust, and eventually into our friendship. Five years later, we are not close anymore, even if we are both much better off for what happened. The bottom line is that you both have feelings and both trust each other, so think deep and talk about it.
Speculate less. Test more.
CrazyMike also nailed it with that question, if she is not capable of committing to you (or any relationship) until 30, whether it be a joke or seriousness, shows a sign of immaturity as well as an act of trying to get a metaphorical foot-in-the-door, another form of stringing you along as you claimed she's done to you before.
My advice would be to just sit back, enjoy the ride, and appreciate the friendship you two have for each other while finding a way to divert away from the attraction you two have for each other. ****-block yourself and offer to bring some friends with you on these trips. Or reconsider going at all.
In the end, it's all up to you. Just strive for what you feel is best for your own good and the good of the friendship you already have.
Be romantic and tell her how you feel about her. Maybe she wants that from you before she commits. Women want to be swept off of their feet. If you are romantic with her and she still treats you like this, ditch her. Fast, because she's treating you like a "pull in case of emergency" switch.
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@OP if you are young and inexperienced you may have this irrational fear of being dumped or made fun of, but let me tell you, those things doesn't really happen, girls are just like men, there's good and bad girls out there, and mostly are good persons (and even if they aren't, you will notice if soon enough and everyone can end bad relationships). Considering you find the girl a good person, I would say to give it a shot. Open yourself to her, with a smile in the face ask what she wants, if she want to start a relationship with you. If she doesn't, life goes on and no one is hurt, if she does, awesome, go enjoy life, because life's good.
Mythic rarity is not destroying the game. People whine too much for no good reason. Magic is more popular than ever, so keep calm, brew some decks and play some damn cards.
She said, "when we're 30 years old and single we're going to get married."
Translate what it most likely means: "If I can't find anyone that I actually like, I'll just use your seed to make a baby before it's too late."
That isn't normal flirtation stuff. That's borderline nutty town if you are trying to FLIRT. Saying stuff like that isn't necessarily how relationships ought to begin. Not at all.
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I think the girl in question is a textbook case of 'thinks romantic comedies are what happens in real life'. Tell her you don't understand the 'married at 30' thing, and that quite frankly, it's a little insulting that she'd only consider being with you once she reaches a deadline and hasn't found anyone better.
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…When I was 18 I had a girl say the exact same thing to me. It wasn’t a “backup plan” situation at all. It was a “I like you and I want you to know I like you but I don’t want to tell you I like you in case you don’t like me but I hope you’ll say ‘ok’ so I know you like me.” situation.
Everything the OP has described sounds like some stupid teenage BS. That’s not meant to be derogatory – we were all once stupid teenagers who got caught up and confused by teenage BS. I highly doubt this girl is an evil mastermind laying the groundwork for a decade+ long baby-making factory. More likely, she’s just an unsophisticated teenager/twenty-something who is inexperienced with male/female dynamics.
Cut her a break… she’s probably just some kid who has a crush on a boy and doesn’t know how to manage it.
Yup.
Sounds like she's just flirting.
She might be doing it because she likes OP and this is her way of letting him know or she might be doing it because she's a flirt.
Won't know until you ask, OP.
Also, I don't mean to be a dick, but are those of you in the "crazy manipulative *****" camp regularly pursued or flirted with? I ask because it seems pretty obvious that that's most likely all she's doing and the only reason I can think that someone would assume she had some nefarious plot in mind is if they were completely unfamiliar with a girl flirting with them.
—Jaya Ballard, task mage
Yeah, I tried to make a similar point in my first post. If the OP is serious about trying to date her, and she still acts like this continually as time goes on, then it becomes more than just a silly teenager thing.
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Secondly, the joke about a marriage pact is from a popular sitcom! Dont read in to things too much.
In summation, girl likes you, girl wants you, the only reason you arent with girl is because you forgot your testicles in your other pants. Girl isnt crazy, girl just wants you and will do everything ASIDE from making the first move to get you, hoping that you will find said testicles and be a man for her.
Good luck sir, the only thing standing in the way of you and this girl .... is you.
Watch this movie and you'll understand. They make a pact that if they reach age xx and still single, they'll marry eachother.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0119738/
Honestly, I wouldn't take it so seriously.
PS: I hate JR movies.
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Here's how you bring it up
"Hey, you know the other day I heard one of our friends talk about XYZ? What's up with that?"
Or alternatively you could spice it up
"YO WASSUP DAWG? I HEARD YOU BE YAPPIN ABOUT XYZ? DON'T BE FRONTIN"
Go to the Candlelight thing and try to kiss her. If it works, okay cool. If not, it'll work out.
Don't stress over it.
Be aware of singing as if you were half dead,
or half asleep:
but lift your voice with strength.
Be no more afraid of your voice now,
nor more ashamed of its being heard,
than when you sang the songs of Satan.
Women want a man who takes control.
If you put the moves on her, she should hopefully drop the whole "we can get married when we're older" routine.
Good luck! You'll definitely regret it later if you don't take the situation by the reigns.
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