For a change of pace, this isn't a thread about what to do with a girl I met two days ago and think I am madly in love with, and despite the title, this isn't some angsty rant about how terrible my parents are.
My particular problem lies with my girlfriend's father. My girlfriend and I have been dating for almost three years, and out anniversary happens to fall during the two weeks that she has off from college for Christmas break. Because of this, we have made plans to tour the country on a vacation, and visit our relatives that are spread out all over the place, as well as celebrate our three-year anniversary together.
However, I'm still living with my parents, and she's still living with her father. So, naturally, we do have to respect our parent's viewpoints and wishes while we are living with them. For me, that's not that big of a deal, as my parents have more or less accepted that I am an adult, especially when I have been paying rent since turning 18.
My girlfriend, Kristen, has a much different experience. Her father can't seem to escape the fact that she isn't twelve anymore, and he oftentimes treats her as such. He contradicts himself, however, because he expects her to pay for all of the responsibilities that go with being twenty, but he doesn't want to give her any of the individual freedom that comes along with the same age.
Back to our trip, this has been planned for a little over two months. However, I guess Kristen's father just realized that we were going to be staying in hotels during some stretches of the trips, and that some of our relatives have mentioned that they'll "keep a room for the two of us" open. Her father essentially went ballistic the moment he heard about this, and has gone so far as to tell Kristen that if she goes with me on the trip, there won't be a room for her to return to when she gets back.
So, basically, what the hell do I do here? Our trip is planned, and we've saved a ton of money for this, but we can't afford to find her a new place if her father is serious.
Her father hasn't always been this bad, but he recently started dating a woman with a twelve year old girl. The child's a terror and the mother is a *****, but she seems to be under the delusion that her child is perfection and that Kristen is some delinquent. Unfortunately, Kristen's dad seems to have fallen into the same thought process, and has been progressively becoming more and more of an ass to his daughter that has culminated in his ultimatum.
At this point, I am at a loss for what to do, and I am tired of my seeing my girlfriend treated like a child and a hellion. I'm at my whit's end, so, what advice do you have for me, Salvation?
From the way you frame the situation her father sounds like the type who will see her as a child until she moves out. I would suggest looking for a way to move her out, if she can live without him for awhile he'll begin to see that his little girl has grown up. I can't speak to how short or long it would take him to come around.
You're already paying rent. Do you two live close enough together that the both of you could move into an apartment together? (My gut says if she moved in with you and your parents that her dad wouldn't see it as growing up responsibly: of course, I'm not him).
I think it is fine to go on the trip. Just know that you two will have to weather the storm when you get back. And I would bet you'll have more to work through as long she lives there; I doubt there is a way to get your girlfriend viewed as an adult while she is still living under his roof.
If he's anything like my girlfriend's father, he can say he'll be mad all he wants, but she'll come home and since she's 'daddy's girl', he'll forget all about it.
I would say go on the trip, and things will work themselves out.
I would say go on the trip, and things will work themselves out.
Word. I've witnessed my dad go nuts twice which culminated in crazy ultimatums. One to permanently ban my brother and his fiance from my dad's house for life. And another to ban my sister for life. Both were rescinded (but led to some awkward family holidays:rolleyes:.
Unless he's got mental issues we don't know about, he'll still love his daughter even if her needs clash with his rules.
She is 20 man.... if you want to be an adult act as one. No one at the age of 20 should be afraid of there father. If this is the sort of ultimatum he is going to throw down, she shouldn't be there anyway. I was on my own at the age of 18. She has been with you 3 years, have her move in. Sounds like you have decent parents and I can't imagine it being a problem.
Yeah the father is being ridiculous. However, it is his house and even if he is being a complete idiot he can make that ultimatum.
I don't know, my initial recation to reading your post was EFF HIM tell him to fly a kite. However if you are serious with this girl and there is the potential for a long term relationship i.e. marriage etc. Is taking this vacation worth potentially ruining your relationship with him and seriously impacting her relationship to her father. If it's me I'd seriously consider canceling the trip and using the money you have saved to start a fund to get you two your own apratment etc.
Long story short I'd tread cautiosly and make sure you account for any/all long term ramifications of this trip.
At this point, I am at a loss for what to do, and I am tired of my seeing my girlfriend treated like a child and a hellion. I'm at my whit's end, so, what advice do you have for me, Salvation?
Unless you're willing, right now, to marry your girlfriend and provide her with a permanent home (ie marry her), don't do anything, least of all make her choose between you or her father.
Try to assuage him by getting another room. You won't get anything by butting heads with the man. Better get used to making compromises, because no matter what happens the man will _always_ be her father. Frankly, it doesn't matter if he's in the wrong. If pride is in the way of compromise then make sure both you and your girlfriend are ready for the consequences.
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So, basically, what the hell do I do here? Our trip is planned, and we've saved a ton of money for this, but we can't afford to find her a new place if her father is serious.
The rest of your post is irrelevant.
Hatch a plan to determine if her father is serious.
If he is, you've picked up quite the challenge, hombre.
If he isn't, ignore him.
If you can't determine whether he is serious, assume that he is.
It boggles my mind that there are parents like this. The way I see it, this man has been inequitable toward this woman, and shows evidence of overall mental inepstupid, on the side.
If it weren't for the concern of this woman being, well, hurt from the separation itself from her father, prioritizing one's escape from him would seem to be a no-brainer.
But that concern probably exists.
Since my own home life remains so utterly dissimilar, I can't begin to guess what this woman's inner world is like on that point.
Since that concern exists, only she (and maybe with your input) can figure out what to do regarding moving out/mining him for all he'll give, confronting him/disappearing judgmentally, etc.
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Back to our trip, this has been planned for a little over two months. However, I guess Kristen's father just realized that we were going to be staying in hotels during some stretches of the trips, and that some of our relatives have mentioned that they'll "keep a room for the two of us" open. Her father essentially went ballistic the moment he heard about this, and has gone so far as to tell Kristen that if she goes with me on the trip, there won't be a room for her to return to when she gets back.
That's the red flag that's he's pissed about. It's all about sex and she's not independent and he fears you impregnating her is going to "ruin her life" and everything else. Might also be a pride issue with him that he "didn't know" and doesn't want you two in a room fornicating.
I'd triangulate a negotiation with the man with specifics about "we're not sleeping together" and so forth. Engage his emotions and rationality. With the relatives, sleep some where else or on the floor. Don't give the impression you're having sex, and don't carry condoms, if you do, around him or where he may find them.
Frankly, not having sex with her, if you are sexually active, might be a good idea to stop it for a while until the father's current girlfriend goes away and stops reflecting his fears onto his daughter. If she would get pregnant or you get a "papa scare," he'll make yours and her life miserable.
The other aspect in negotiations is showing morality but also merit and mutual interest. If you are not sexually active, allay his fears through word and act. As for the trip itself, impress into him the merit of taking the trip. The other level is invocation of past behavior on what the father has done in his age, if any parallels can be drawn by the daughter to invoke empathy may also work.
The thing is you're not the husband of his child, which many times mean jack anyway, and the father of his grandchildren. Brinksmanship invoked by you, or even possibly blamed to you with tortuous circular logic, will just make any further relationship with him not worth a grain of salt.
The girlfriend is another matter, and should remain separate. If the daughter argues with him, that's her issue. If you invoke it, you are going to just cross "his family" as the outsider. If you're going to go after the kid in any manner, use a video camera like your cell phone with the 12 year old not noticing when she's acting up. Nothing is more damning than video to a parent. The daughter is the best proxy to deal with the argument against the 12 year old as a "risky step sister with endemic issues."
Another option is to just video tape the girl in front of herself while she is misbehaving and tell her your intentions. People can feel guilt when they know their actions are being recorded with the promise of future punishment. Immediacy of consequence coupled with embarrassment might work.
Physical evidence coupled with "explain that" means a lot. Past behavior is a great indicator of future behavior. To change the child, one must entrench a narrative within the mind of the parent or potential step parent. Physical evidence is damning, and if the daughter can name specifics and the overarching problem she will then own the issue.
I have used video in the past with neighborhood, destructive delinquents on my property with reluctant parents. The camera without any edits is a beautiful third party witness if everything relevant to the incident is within frame.This is equal distribution of punishment and reward. "Carrot" was I wasn't going to press charges if I saw results with the kid not screwing with my property. "Stick" was I used the evidence against the neighbors in court. They chose wisely.
The other is to have the daughter talk to someone the man listens to outside of his girlfriend pissing in his ear. Then having that third party talk to him about the negative effects and concerns for the daughter and his own future interests. If he can see the 12 year old as next to Satan until she grows up, and sees his daughter as a "independent woman" and you as a mature man. Your life improves.
Like likes like.
People like to win, and people are all about perception. My overall advice, separate the problems. Devise solutions and act through those solutions using rationality and emotion. Above all with patience, be consistent in word and deed.
Option B? Bail on the trip and/or the girlfriend. Give her the trip tickets, and allow someone to buy into taking a trip with her or you with someone else. The new trip partner reimburses the other, or else two other people go with reimbursing you plural.
I'd already be living with her, but we don't exactly make a great sum of money to be living on our own.
Also, while I am currently paying rent, I'm not paying every other living expense. I don't believe Kristen and I would have enough funds to make it.
I need a better paying job.
Apparently, he's going on and on about how she'll come back from the trip pregnant, so I feel like he's serious. The man's a hypocrite, of course, as he's been screwing his girlfriend since they met.
I'd already be living with her, but we don't exactly make a great sum of money to be living on our own.
Also, while I am currently paying rent, I'm not paying every other living expense. I don't believe Kristen and I would have enough funds to make it.
I need a better paying job.
Apparently, he's going on and on about how she'll come back from the trip pregnant, so I feel like he's serious. The man's a hypocrite, of course, as he's been screwing his girlfriend since they met.
It's all just so damned stupid.
Real life is grand isn't it. To bad we all just can't go UU counterspell all the time. (i wish i could many times before hand).
Ok let us lay out some facts here and then we can go on.
Neither of you are financially stable to do anything other than live at home. So any talk of marriage or moving in together or anything else is just out of the question.
His concern is that you are going to get her pregnant which will have a huge impact on her life at this point. This is a valid concern on his part because unless your financial positioning changes it will be him supporting the baby.
while he might be acting concern the validation is there.
Making her choose between you and her dad is a bad thing and you will only end up losing.
While he might be doing that with his g/f he is also i am sure financially stable enough to do that as well. any consquences of his actions he will be able to meet the obligations of. you not so much.
One person suggested this and i do as well. Take the money that you were going to spend on the trip (probably several thousands dollars). invest it in a mutual fund or a money market account that is paying good benefits.
It doesn't have to be an IRA setup so that you don't pull a penalty if you need it, but what it will do is start working for you.
being smart now with your money while having 0 expenses is much better than being dumb with your money and having a lot of expenses later on.
the trips around the country will come. right now saving and investment is key for not only your future but her future as well if you are serious about this relationship.
It is not worth fighting her dad over this. pick your battles wisely and this is not a wise one to engage in.
you might try to neogiate by saying that you won't engage in it when staying with relatives and sleep in separate places. i doubt he will believe you. it is worth a try.
if he doesn't tell him you respect his wishes (whether you do or do not) and let him know that you will just save the money and invest it.
this does 1 of 2 things.
1. It puts you in a better light for the guy dating his daughter than wanting to haul her across the country on a trip.
2. It shows him you are responsible and at least respectful on the outside.
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1. It puts you in a better light for the guy dating his daughter than wanting to haul her across the country on a trip.
2. It shows him you are responsible and at least respectful on the outside.
Question though is whether the money is liquid or solvent right now. If its liquid, as cash in hand, then they can do that. However, if the trip is not. Then they're stuck eating it or selling it off.
I'd already be living with her, but we don't exactly make a great sum of money to be living on our own.
Also, while I am currently paying rent, I'm not paying every other living expense. I don't believe Kristen and I would have enough funds to make it.
I need a better paying job.
Apparently, he's going on and on about how she'll come back from the trip pregnant, so I feel like he's serious. The man's a hypocrite, of course, as he's been screwing his girlfriend since they met.
It's all just so damned stupid.
Ya, you get the lucky straw of experiencing the "crazy dad." I didn't have issues with the father, but I had issues with my current mother-in-law. Husband knew the way that ***** is like, but sadly he passed. I liked that guy, a lot. I've just had to separate myself from my mother-in-law altogether and avoid her like the plague. Only treats me like crap because I'm minority and she had some bad life experiences with people of my ethnicity. *&^%ing stupid really. Rest of the wife's family and I get along.
Build bridges where you can, erect fences when you must.
Question though is whether the money is liquid or solvent right now. If its liquid, as cash in hand, then they can do that. However, if the trip is not. Then they're stuck eating it or selling it off.
I am going on the assumption that he has saved cash for this trip and not done a cross county book thing or has booked anything in advance.
given that they are going to stay at relatives houses in a few places leads me to believe that he has cash in hand.
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Question though is whether the money is liquid or solvent right now. If its liquid, as cash in hand, then they can do that. However, if the trip is not. Then they're stuck eating it or selling it off.
Ya, you get the lucky straw of experiencing the "crazy dad." I didn't have issues with the father, but I had issues with my current mother-in-law. Husband knew the way that ***** is like, but sadly he passed. I liked that guy, a lot. I've just had to separate myself from my mother-in-law altogether and avoid her like the plague. Only treats me like crap because I'm minority and she had some bad life experiences with people of my ethnicity. *&^%ing stupid really. Rest of the wife's family and I get along.
Build bridges where you can, erect fences when you must.
You've no idea.
It's not even that he's worried we'll literally get pregnant, that's just always been his only way of saying that we'll have sex.
In his eyes, it's wrong to have premarital sex, unless you're him. Then you can do it like you're a rabbit.
I have cash in hand. Tomorrow, we have our local relative's Christmas celebrations. Kristen said she'll talk to her dad, and if she can convince him, we'll be off on our trip on Christmas.
We have cash in hand, so if it all falls apart, we'll go have our own private celebration with some of the cash and then the rest will likely be invested in our own place. The entire trip will be by car, so we'd just stay in small hotels that don't need reservations.
It's not even that he's worried we'll literally get pregnant, that's just always been his only way of saying that we'll have sex.
In his eyes, it's wrong to have premarital sex, unless you're him. Then you can do it like you're a rabbit.
I have cash in hand. Tomorrow, we have our local relative's Christmas celebrations. Kristen said she'll talk to her dad, and if she can convince him, we'll be off on our trip on Christmas.
We have cash in hand, so if it all falls apart, we'll go have our own private celebration with some of the cash and then the rest will likely be invested in our own place. The entire trip will be by car, so we'd just stay in small hotels that don't need reservations.
I've got no idea on who he is, but I do have an idea of what you're facing. My mother in law has done nothing but try to make my marriage complicated since her husband died. I have went several years now without seeing her.
Frankly as for the trip, get her out of the environment first if he's totally unreasonable.
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Its weird that you've been going out for 3 years and your gf's dad is only now thinking that she might get preggers. >.< He isn't worried about her getting pregnant at all really. What he's worried about is handing over the role of protector and provider to you. Going to meet each other's relatives denotes a rather serious relationship and I think her dad realizes now that you may very well become her husband one day. Its fine to choose someone as your lover because lovers come and go with the seasons but spouses are for keeps. Have you ever talked to your gf's dad? I don't suggest you give him the details of your sex life but do tell him how serious you are about his daughter and come to an understanding with him.
We have taken him with us. It wasn't much of a stretch to have him pay for an extra bed in the hotel rooms, and Kristen and I have decided to sleep separately in our relative's housing.
It's working out pretty well, as her dad has a huge chunk of vacation time he had to use or lose, and we all seem to be getting along fine. He's also agreed to stay out of our hair on our anniversary, so it's really seeming like everyone won here.
Unless you're willing, right now, to marry your girlfriend and provide her with a permanent home (ie marry her), don't do anything, least of all make her choose between you or her father.
Try to assuage him by getting another room. You won't get anything by butting heads with the man. Better get used to making compromises, because no matter what happens the man will _always_ be her father. Frankly, it doesn't matter if he's in the wrong. If pride is in the way of compromise then make sure both you and your girlfriend are ready for the consequences.
QFT.
My father is exceptionally similar (not to ever EVER give the impression that I don't think I have the most awesome father that ever lived...cause I do ) but he would not ever accept me tripping around on vacation in hotel rooms with my partner - despite my age.
All in all, I get around this by unfortunatly either *stretching* the truth or making the compromise. Separate rooms if that's what makes everyone more comfortable . Of course there will come a time where it will be the , I'm putting my foot down and unfortunatly cannot guide my own relationship by your personal morality. BUT - While I still can, I will always make the effort. I also think it shows it's own level of repect and maturity that while living under their roof you are willing to make the compromise for them. (Or hell - even not under his roof, he raised me, paid for me, stayed with me when I was ill, hurt, alone. He deserves my respect and my self restraint).
A choice between my father and the man I love is sadly no choice. In the end - my father will win and then I'd resent my partner for ever putting me in the that position.
My particular problem lies with my girlfriend's father. My girlfriend and I have been dating for almost three years, and out anniversary happens to fall during the two weeks that she has off from college for Christmas break. Because of this, we have made plans to tour the country on a vacation, and visit our relatives that are spread out all over the place, as well as celebrate our three-year anniversary together.
However, I'm still living with my parents, and she's still living with her father. So, naturally, we do have to respect our parent's viewpoints and wishes while we are living with them. For me, that's not that big of a deal, as my parents have more or less accepted that I am an adult, especially when I have been paying rent since turning 18.
My girlfriend, Kristen, has a much different experience. Her father can't seem to escape the fact that she isn't twelve anymore, and he oftentimes treats her as such. He contradicts himself, however, because he expects her to pay for all of the responsibilities that go with being twenty, but he doesn't want to give her any of the individual freedom that comes along with the same age.
Back to our trip, this has been planned for a little over two months. However, I guess Kristen's father just realized that we were going to be staying in hotels during some stretches of the trips, and that some of our relatives have mentioned that they'll "keep a room for the two of us" open. Her father essentially went ballistic the moment he heard about this, and has gone so far as to tell Kristen that if she goes with me on the trip, there won't be a room for her to return to when she gets back.
So, basically, what the hell do I do here? Our trip is planned, and we've saved a ton of money for this, but we can't afford to find her a new place if her father is serious.
Her father hasn't always been this bad, but he recently started dating a woman with a twelve year old girl. The child's a terror and the mother is a *****, but she seems to be under the delusion that her child is perfection and that Kristen is some delinquent. Unfortunately, Kristen's dad seems to have fallen into the same thought process, and has been progressively becoming more and more of an ass to his daughter that has culminated in his ultimatum.
At this point, I am at a loss for what to do, and I am tired of my seeing my girlfriend treated like a child and a hellion. I'm at my whit's end, so, what advice do you have for me, Salvation?
You're already paying rent. Do you two live close enough together that the both of you could move into an apartment together? (My gut says if she moved in with you and your parents that her dad wouldn't see it as growing up responsibly: of course, I'm not him).
I think it is fine to go on the trip. Just know that you two will have to weather the storm when you get back. And I would bet you'll have more to work through as long she lives there; I doubt there is a way to get your girlfriend viewed as an adult while she is still living under his roof.
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I would say go on the trip, and things will work themselves out.
Word. I've witnessed my dad go nuts twice which culminated in crazy ultimatums. One to permanently ban my brother and his fiance from my dad's house for life. And another to ban my sister for life. Both were rescinded (but led to some awkward family holidays:rolleyes:.
Unless he's got mental issues we don't know about, he'll still love his daughter even if her needs clash with his rules.
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I don't know, my initial recation to reading your post was EFF HIM tell him to fly a kite. However if you are serious with this girl and there is the potential for a long term relationship i.e. marriage etc. Is taking this vacation worth potentially ruining your relationship with him and seriously impacting her relationship to her father. If it's me I'd seriously consider canceling the trip and using the money you have saved to start a fund to get you two your own apratment etc.
Long story short I'd tread cautiosly and make sure you account for any/all long term ramifications of this trip.
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you should plan ahead and buy rings in advance...
if he's not that way, you should just go on the vacation and propose to her. that should really get his panties in a bunch.
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Unless you're willing, right now, to marry your girlfriend and provide her with a permanent home (ie marry her), don't do anything, least of all make her choose between you or her father.
Try to assuage him by getting another room. You won't get anything by butting heads with the man. Better get used to making compromises, because no matter what happens the man will _always_ be her father. Frankly, it doesn't matter if he's in the wrong. If pride is in the way of compromise then make sure both you and your girlfriend are ready for the consequences.
"Sometimes, the situation is outracing a threat, sometimes it's ignoring it, and sometimes it involves sideboarding in 4x Hope//Pray." --Doug Linn
The rest of your post is irrelevant.
Hatch a plan to determine if her father is serious.
If he is, you've picked up quite the challenge, hombre.
If he isn't, ignore him.
If you can't determine whether he is serious, assume that he is.
It boggles my mind that there are parents like this. The way I see it, this man has been inequitable toward this woman, and shows evidence of overall
mental inepstupid, on the side.If it weren't for the concern of this woman being, well, hurt from the separation itself from her father, prioritizing one's escape from him would seem to be a no-brainer.
But that concern probably exists.
Since my own home life remains so utterly dissimilar, I can't begin to guess what this woman's inner world is like on that point.
Since that concern exists, only she (and maybe with your input) can figure out what to do regarding moving out/mining him for all he'll give, confronting him/disappearing judgmentally, etc.
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That's the red flag that's he's pissed about. It's all about sex and she's not independent and he fears you impregnating her is going to "ruin her life" and everything else. Might also be a pride issue with him that he "didn't know" and doesn't want you two in a room fornicating.
I'd triangulate a negotiation with the man with specifics about "we're not sleeping together" and so forth. Engage his emotions and rationality. With the relatives, sleep some where else or on the floor. Don't give the impression you're having sex, and don't carry condoms, if you do, around him or where he may find them.
Frankly, not having sex with her, if you are sexually active, might be a good idea to stop it for a while until the father's current girlfriend goes away and stops reflecting his fears onto his daughter. If she would get pregnant or you get a "papa scare," he'll make yours and her life miserable.
The other aspect in negotiations is showing morality but also merit and mutual interest. If you are not sexually active, allay his fears through word and act. As for the trip itself, impress into him the merit of taking the trip. The other level is invocation of past behavior on what the father has done in his age, if any parallels can be drawn by the daughter to invoke empathy may also work.
The thing is you're not the husband of his child, which many times mean jack anyway, and the father of his grandchildren. Brinksmanship invoked by you, or even possibly blamed to you with tortuous circular logic, will just make any further relationship with him not worth a grain of salt.
The girlfriend is another matter, and should remain separate. If the daughter argues with him, that's her issue. If you invoke it, you are going to just cross "his family" as the outsider. If you're going to go after the kid in any manner, use a video camera like your cell phone with the 12 year old not noticing when she's acting up. Nothing is more damning than video to a parent. The daughter is the best proxy to deal with the argument against the 12 year old as a "risky step sister with endemic issues."
Another option is to just video tape the girl in front of herself while she is misbehaving and tell her your intentions. People can feel guilt when they know their actions are being recorded with the promise of future punishment. Immediacy of consequence coupled with embarrassment might work.
Physical evidence coupled with "explain that" means a lot. Past behavior is a great indicator of future behavior. To change the child, one must entrench a narrative within the mind of the parent or potential step parent. Physical evidence is damning, and if the daughter can name specifics and the overarching problem she will then own the issue.
I have used video in the past with neighborhood, destructive delinquents on my property with reluctant parents. The camera without any edits is a beautiful third party witness if everything relevant to the incident is within frame.This is equal distribution of punishment and reward. "Carrot" was I wasn't going to press charges if I saw results with the kid not screwing with my property. "Stick" was I used the evidence against the neighbors in court. They chose wisely.
The other is to have the daughter talk to someone the man listens to outside of his girlfriend pissing in his ear. Then having that third party talk to him about the negative effects and concerns for the daughter and his own future interests. If he can see the 12 year old as next to Satan until she grows up, and sees his daughter as a "independent woman" and you as a mature man. Your life improves.
Like likes like.
People like to win, and people are all about perception. My overall advice, separate the problems. Devise solutions and act through those solutions using rationality and emotion. Above all with patience, be consistent in word and deed.
Option B? Bail on the trip and/or the girlfriend. Give her the trip tickets, and allow someone to buy into taking a trip with her or you with someone else. The new trip partner reimburses the other, or else two other people go with reimbursing you plural.
Ambition must be made to counteract ambition.
Individualities may form communities, but it is institutions alone that can create a nation.
Nothing succeeds like the appearance of success.
Here is my principle: Taxes shall be levied according to ability to pay. That is the only American principle.
Also, while I am currently paying rent, I'm not paying every other living expense. I don't believe Kristen and I would have enough funds to make it.
I need a better paying job.
Apparently, he's going on and on about how she'll come back from the trip pregnant, so I feel like he's serious. The man's a hypocrite, of course, as he's been screwing his girlfriend since they met.
It's all just so damned stupid.
Real life is grand isn't it. To bad we all just can't go UU counterspell all the time. (i wish i could many times before hand).
Ok let us lay out some facts here and then we can go on.
Neither of you are financially stable to do anything other than live at home. So any talk of marriage or moving in together or anything else is just out of the question.
His concern is that you are going to get her pregnant which will have a huge impact on her life at this point. This is a valid concern on his part because unless your financial positioning changes it will be him supporting the baby.
while he might be acting concern the validation is there.
Making her choose between you and her dad is a bad thing and you will only end up losing.
While he might be doing that with his g/f he is also i am sure financially stable enough to do that as well. any consquences of his actions he will be able to meet the obligations of. you not so much.
One person suggested this and i do as well. Take the money that you were going to spend on the trip (probably several thousands dollars). invest it in a mutual fund or a money market account that is paying good benefits.
It doesn't have to be an IRA setup so that you don't pull a penalty if you need it, but what it will do is start working for you.
being smart now with your money while having 0 expenses is much better than being dumb with your money and having a lot of expenses later on.
the trips around the country will come. right now saving and investment is key for not only your future but her future as well if you are serious about this relationship.
It is not worth fighting her dad over this. pick your battles wisely and this is not a wise one to engage in.
you might try to neogiate by saying that you won't engage in it when staying with relatives and sleep in separate places. i doubt he will believe you. it is worth a try.
if he doesn't tell him you respect his wishes (whether you do or do not) and let him know that you will just save the money and invest it.
this does 1 of 2 things.
1. It puts you in a better light for the guy dating his daughter than wanting to haul her across the country on a trip.
2. It shows him you are responsible and at least respectful on the outside.
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Question though is whether the money is liquid or solvent right now. If its liquid, as cash in hand, then they can do that. However, if the trip is not. Then they're stuck eating it or selling it off.
Ya, you get the lucky straw of experiencing the "crazy dad." I didn't have issues with the father, but I had issues with my current mother-in-law. Husband knew the way that ***** is like, but sadly he passed. I liked that guy, a lot. I've just had to separate myself from my mother-in-law altogether and avoid her like the plague. Only treats me like crap because I'm minority and she had some bad life experiences with people of my ethnicity. *&^%ing stupid really. Rest of the wife's family and I get along.
Build bridges where you can, erect fences when you must.
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Individualities may form communities, but it is institutions alone that can create a nation.
Nothing succeeds like the appearance of success.
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I am going on the assumption that he has saved cash for this trip and not done a cross county book thing or has booked anything in advance.
given that they are going to stay at relatives houses in a few places leads me to believe that he has cash in hand.
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Reservations though for things like plane tickets and items bought for the trip specifically are still possibly solvent.
Ambition must be made to counteract ambition.
Individualities may form communities, but it is institutions alone that can create a nation.
Nothing succeeds like the appearance of success.
Here is my principle: Taxes shall be levied according to ability to pay. That is the only American principle.
It's not even that he's worried we'll literally get pregnant, that's just always been his only way of saying that we'll have sex.
In his eyes, it's wrong to have premarital sex, unless you're him. Then you can do it like you're a rabbit.
I have cash in hand. Tomorrow, we have our local relative's Christmas celebrations. Kristen said she'll talk to her dad, and if she can convince him, we'll be off on our trip on Christmas.
We have cash in hand, so if it all falls apart, we'll go have our own private celebration with some of the cash and then the rest will likely be invested in our own place. The entire trip will be by car, so we'd just stay in small hotels that don't need reservations.
I've got no idea on who he is, but I do have an idea of what you're facing. My mother in law has done nothing but try to make my marriage complicated since her husband died. I have went several years now without seeing her.
Frankly as for the trip, get her out of the environment first if he's totally unreasonable.
Ambition must be made to counteract ambition.
Individualities may form communities, but it is institutions alone that can create a nation.
Nothing succeeds like the appearance of success.
Here is my principle: Taxes shall be levied according to ability to pay. That is the only American principle.
We have taken him with us. It wasn't much of a stretch to have him pay for an extra bed in the hotel rooms, and Kristen and I have decided to sleep separately in our relative's housing.
It's working out pretty well, as her dad has a huge chunk of vacation time he had to use or lose, and we all seem to be getting along fine. He's also agreed to stay out of our hair on our anniversary, so it's really seeming like everyone won here.
QFT.
My father is exceptionally similar (not to ever EVER give the impression that I don't think I have the most awesome father that ever lived...cause I do ) but he would not ever accept me tripping around on vacation in hotel rooms with my partner - despite my age.
All in all, I get around this by unfortunatly either *stretching* the truth or making the compromise. Separate rooms if that's what makes everyone more comfortable . Of course there will come a time where it will be the , I'm putting my foot down and unfortunatly cannot guide my own relationship by your personal morality. BUT - While I still can, I will always make the effort. I also think it shows it's own level of repect and maturity that while living under their roof you are willing to make the compromise for them. (Or hell - even not under his roof, he raised me, paid for me, stayed with me when I was ill, hurt, alone. He deserves my respect and my self restraint).
A choice between my father and the man I love is sadly no choice. In the end - my father will win and then I'd resent my partner for ever putting me in the that position.
so, how did it go? (i figure your still on the trip, but i'm interested on how the whole thign turned out)
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