I really, really really wish you hadn't deleted your posts, because that destroys a part of the CoffeeHouse history... and even though you may be gone from here, as Hunter said earlier, you will always be a part of us. I hope that everything works out for you and that someday you can come join us once again.
You asked me how I could smile about this thesis stuff.... Believe me its hard.... I hate it, and I'm going to be scrambling like hell to make ends meet... But I try to remain positive through it all.. and yes, here's a for you, Hunter
Yey! *Hunter44 eats the cookie* Finally a cookie from Omna..Well danica im really stressed out with these thesis stuff...I hope when I finished this the whole coffeehouse will be beside me to celebrate the victory!
Well I miss myta and now sepiriel is kind of gone, please betty44, don't leave us, the house kind of loses a part of its soul as each member seems to vanish, please people don't bite my head of with that remark.
Well LittleDivina, Ill be hanging around here as long as I can. Im happy in here..Ill always be your original Filipino stickin around..And thanks for what you said.^_^
Im of the mind he probably caused some trouble by flirting with me....that seems the most plausable. If that is so, I am sorry. I feel moderately bad for it, but he is responsible for his own actions.
IF thats the reason then its kinda shallow..Maybe there is a bigger reason..Dont feel bad Sakura-Chan..
Wow...so many birthdays here in such short time. We had a few last week IIRC, and we have more in the next week (mines also in that time, Monday I think).
Anyways, I wanted to say something long and big here, but I got distracted, and now I have to leave in 30 minutes to go to my driving test, and I havent gotten dressed/showered yet. I should pass, and I really hope I do.
I'm also not sure when I will post here again, even if I don't pass the test , I expect to be out all night with friends, and then tomorrow I have bowling followed by some time with people, and sunday...I don't know, that's probably the next time I'll post (if not late tonight).
I have been in somewhat of a funk recently. A very real feeling of being alone. As you are all likely aware, I lost alot of real life friends over the last six months. While they all said they supported me, any move I made to try and go foward in my transition was met with "You are alienating us". Sigh.
Do any of you remember me mentioning Elisha? She was the girl I was casually seeing just before Myta. We have been still dating since, and she is one of my best friends. We have been making plans for the last three months to get together to either hang out or go on dates, and every time she cancells at the very last minute. Something always comes up. When you already feel alone and unwanted to begin with, having someone do this to you without fail for 3 months straight just augments this feeling. Worse, because she is basically all I have for real life friends I let her keep doing it out of a desperate need for human companionship.
Yesterday we had plans to hang out and watch Hellraiser. I had learned not to expect anything from her, but she managed to convince me without a shadow of a doubt that this was going to happen. I set aside my whole day and I put extra effort into looking and smelling nice for her...and she did it again.
So I blocked and deleted her from MSN.
I cannot take that anymore. I am alone enough as is, I do not need someone reminding me almost every day of that fact.
I have tonnes of internet friends and love them all dearly. All of you are amazing. But I am missing something so simple and important in my life.
I need someone to sit with me to watch a movie, to go shopping with and tell me I look good or laugh when I try on really ugly stuff, to give me opinions. Someone to hold my hand someone, or whom I can hug when they need it or I need it. Why is this so hard and so out of my grasp. I have never been without friends before, even when I was an antisocial shut in.
I find myself feeling so numb and unemotive simply because I have nobody to share my emotions with.
I am a firm believer we need to love ourselves and put our own worth first. But this is beyond that. While in general I feel much more whole than I ever have in my life since I started to transition. More alive, more like me. But we are social creatures and I have nobody to share my success and hapiness with or my pain with.
well alcar, do you have enough 'looking smexy' for the rest of the class to share?
you're burning pron right as we speak, aren't ya?
i'll tell you what i hate more than rapidly rotating avvies? seeing a real pic of a user. it is just never even close to what i imagine [or don't].
He was refering to a picture I sent him on his phone. Nothing dirty. I think Alababes just likes to show off and show his affections for me publicly. He really is sweet.
That's nothing. Wait until Arguas deems us worthy of his time stops by. That will really show you the limits multi-quote can reach as it strains to near abuse.
Pretty much, yeah. He's been posting more frequently lately, to be fair, though.
Hey now.. yes he has, and oftentimes it requires a jolt of reminder from me (i'm his girlfriend, and he is also the co-owner of the 'House, Ophina) for him to remember, cuz he has so much going on, but he loves coming here when he can, and definitely has been here a lot recently which is an awesome thing
Happens a lot in here, actually. You should stick around more, and maybe you'll get to see Arguas really go wild with the multiquote button.
Totally.
Quote from Mr. Stuff »
Wizard magazines is hiring editorial/intern staff right now, so I'll apply there most likely. They publish the Inquest Gamer, Toyfare, Wizard, and AnimeInsider magazines, among others.
Ooh sounds exciting! I bet that'd be a great place for you to work! Good luck w/ that!!
Amy Winehouse is mostly a modern blues artist, panda. She's got a sound very similar to, say, Fiona Apple with much less of an electronic influence and much more of a down-home New Orleans jazz feel. I like her a lot, even if her dental work gets her made fun of O_o;;
There's an anthology out there somewhere with a poem of mine in it, too, although I forget what the book is called. It's nice to have your work recognized sometimes, huh? =)
I have one too, somewhere, its one of those hokey poetry contests that are scams though, to try to get your money...
I hear that. Some days it seems like my anxieties that got me in trouble (and had me switch majors) halfway through college have never left me, and in some ways have gotten worse.
I definitely know how you feel.... I get this overwhelming anxiety sometimes, it can really be hindering... Speaking of change and anxiety, has anyone read the book "Who Moved my Cheese?" its a great ,and VERY quick read about change and how it affects different people in life.
Quote from Stuff »
Every time somebody brings up this question, it seems like I respond with this: The Coldfire Trilogy by C.S. Friedman. It is flat-out awesome.
I'll have to check this out, you've definitely mentioned it more than once
I'm like freakin' Austin Powers crossed with a hobbit or somethin. It's scary.
This is just funny I know its true but just the thought of that cross... lol. But seriously, I like guys with facial hair, so when Ryan had to shave his goatee off for work I was sad..
i'll tell you what i hate more than rapidly rotating avvies? seeing a real pic of a user. it is just never even close to what i imagine [or don't].
Just check out my profile for a picture of me (albeit almost 2 years old) and Arguas2617's for a picture of him.. Or even check out the usercards in the 2nd post, most are real pics, but not all.
Glad to see you here Golgo (unless I'm wrong, in which case I am, apologies) Welcome! And indeed I'd be more than happy to serve you some coffee *serves Mago the Special coffee of the day, black*
As for American Gods, I'm reading it right now Its pretty ... bizarre, but good, I guess.
If you go to this site: http://www.amywinehouse.co.uk/ you can sample some of the songs. My favourite is, "Back to Black."
Anywho. I am off to go get ready for work.
* Sephiroth Owa waves.
Thanks for that link, I'll have to check it out once my hair dries (so I can put my hearing aids in and listen to music) most likely after lunch with my friend.. And have a good day at work Seph
Yey! *Hunter44 eats the cookie* Finally a cookie from Omna..Well danica im really stressed out with these thesis stuff...I hope when I finished this the whole coffeehouse will be beside me to celebrate the victory!
GUYS DONT FORGET ITS MY BIRTHDAY ON AUGUST 15!!!! YEY! Im gonna be 20!
We won't forget your birthday, Hunter And yeah I know the feeling about being stressed about the thesis....I've been putting mine off for waayy too long.. Got only about a week left b4 i really should submit the final part so I'm freaking out a little.. Granted I should be doing that, rather than posting here, but eh...
Anyways, I wanted to say something long and big here, but I got distracted, and now I have to leave in 30 minutes to go to my driving test, and I havent gotten dressed/showered yet. I should pass, and I really hope I do.
I'm also not sure when I will post here again, even if I don't pass the test , I expect to be out all night with friends, and then tomorrow I have bowling followed by some time with people, and sunday...I don't know, that's probably the next time I'll post (if not late tonight).
Save some fun for when I return!
Have a good time with your friends, and good luck on your drivers' test.. I was supposed to get mine this week sometime, but I got freaked out from a couple scary incidents driving, and I'm not ready to rush myself on the roads, so I'm still unable to drive
Neil Gaiman... didn't he write good omens with Terry Pratchett?
Good to see you again, Ophina!! And yea, I believe he did, but I haven't read that one..Reading American Gods right now, and it was veryyyyyyyyy bizarre at the beginning.. its still odd, but slowly starting to ease up a little on the weirdness
Anyway, news of mine... Today's good.. i'm just relaxing here, waiting for an old highschool friend of mine to come pick me up and take me out to lunch.. we were gonna have sushi, but now we can't cuz of time constraints, so I'm a little bummed about that
Other than that, I really should be working on my thesis... Not sure what else to say as I've done catchup and I hope everyone's day is going to be a great one
Kind of interesting.. I'm going to be visiting Ryan's (Arguas2617) hometown for a couple weeks, as most of you may be aware, in about a week's time, and his first girlfriend is the only one of his friends that I have yet to officially meet in person.. She and I have conversed a time or two on AIM and Facebook, but I've never met her in person.... however, the last time I met one of Ryan's ex-girlfriends was last summer, and that turned into the most hellish experience... So naturally I'm a little hesitant, but at the same time, very curious. At least I know he has no remaining feelings for her due to her lifestyle changes over the past, but she is the girl he first loved... She has expressed interest in meeting me, and I wouldn't mind so much, but at the same time, I really don't want to cause more problems between he and I in the time I'm there..... An alternative would just to be to meet with her alone without his presence.. that way awkward "comparisons" whether intentional or not, wouldn't happen... I'm not sure though. Thoughts would be welcome
All I have to say is @Omna, there is a dramatic difference between Sage and Tahlen here. I'd love to see you crush Tahlen at Magic
Besides though, I'd be surprised if she expressed interest in seeing both of us at once anyway. You also have to realize that she is very likely to do the same thing that apparently was being done to Sakura: She has a habit of blowing off her friends at the last minute. One of the reasons she hardly has any friends anymore (I'm referring to Tahlen here)
Now, don't get me wrong, I may very well go intensively with that multiquote button later... for example, I saw Allin post some card designs, and I want to contribute comments. And of course, I will say now that Sakura, based on personal experiences, it can be very frustrating when people blatantly ditch you like that. If it was ambiguous, that's understandable, but having definite solid plans being broken is irritating. Sorry that you are having so much trouble finding acceptance, and you probably did the right thing here.
Point being that there is much to comment on.
Kevin, did you return? I think when I checked in briefly I saw you...
Also, just quickly, I'm curious. There have been many comments about me doing multiquote stuff before... and much of it is in jest, which I understand. But how many people think that it actually is seriously annoying?
@ FL: what languages do you speak. 5 is alot. I'm quadlingual (soon to be quin) i can speak Mandarin, Shanghai Dialect, Cantonese, English, and rudementary japanese (this will become fluent after next year when i take a year off and live in japan and china)
@ others: if your wondering why i consider the different dialects diffferent languages, while the characters are the same, the meanings are as far off as ancient chinese and japanese. furthermore nothing is pronounced the same, in fact, to northern chinese, cantonese and shanghai dialect are completely intelligible.
All I have to say is @Omna, there is a dramatic difference between Sage and Tahlen here. I'd love to see you crush Tahlen at Magic
Besides though, I'd be surprised if she expressed interest in seeing both of us at once anyway. You also have to realize that she is very likely to do the same thing that apparently was being done to Sakura: She has a habit of blowing off her friends at the last minute. One of the reasons she hardly has any friends anymore (I'm referring to Tahlen here)
Now, don't get me wrong, I may very well go intensively with that multiquote button later... for example, I saw Allin post some card designs, and I want to contribute comments. And of course, I will say now that Sakura, based on personal experiences, it can be very frustrating when people blatantly ditch you like that. If it was ambiguous, that's understandable, but having definite solid plans being broken is irritating. Sorry that you are having so much trouble finding acceptance, and you probably did the right thing here.
Point being that there is much to comment on.
Kevin, did you return? I think when I checked in briefly I saw you...
Also, just quickly, I'm curious. There have been many comments about me doing multiquote stuff before... and much of it is in jest, which I understand. But how many people think that it actually is seriously annoying?
Yes i did return just havent had time to post as much as before mostly because of work oh well. I also dont mind either.
Well anyway i just wanted to drop by and say hello sorry i wasnt on last night i was talking to one of my personal best friends on the phone for a couple of hours it was fun talking to him again. I am going to head to work soon ill talk to you all soon though. Have a good one everyone! *hugs and blows kisses* Ill also write legacy of the week either tonight or tommorrow since i dont have work tommorrow.
Also, just quickly, I'm curious. There have been many comments about me doing multiquote stuff before... and much of it is in jest, which I understand. But how many people think that it actually is seriously annoying?
It's actually a really convenient way to see what you're responding to, since you often respond to things that are a few pages back if you're kept away for a day or two. We like to pounce on quirks, but nobody seriously minds.
Welcome back, Kevin.
@Mr Stuff. Can you suggest more Romance / Comedy anime? I finished Chobits and Fruits Basket and I don't know where to go next.
He was refering to a picture I sent him on his phone. Nothing dirty. I think Alababes just likes to show off and show his affections for me publicly. He really is sweet.
Yeah.. I do. Thanks
WB to Kevin.
So uh.. yeah.. not much going on here. Just trying to get my burner working.. I just want Nero Express to be on my compy.. but I gotta frecken install the whole thing to get to it.
for anyone who is writing their thesises (I don't know the plural )... There is hope! I managed to get a first on my final year thesis! So keep at it! Mine was over five months and so much of the time I just thought what is the point, but it is worth giving up on everything for a few months just to ensure that you dont live your life with the "what if"s...
@Sakura: I know what you are going through... after finishing uni and going back home all of my "friends" have kinda drifted away out of laziness and not bothered-ness. I had three very close friends who I kept in contact with but when I came back I found I was always the one making the effort and she kept forgetting our plans. In the end, I just decided to leave the friendship, I stopped bothering because it was more painful for me to keep making effort and it being effectively rejected than to not have her as a friend at all any more. Just keep happy by whichever means you can find, and more real people will come along... just wait and see!
@Omna: go meet her if she wants to meet you... it will show you another level of the past of the one you love... sometimes things like this dont work out, but the not knowing is worse than the knowing (feel free to tell me I dont know what happened before so I have no right to comment - I was just giving you my two cents on the whole thing!)
Private Mod Note
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Rollback Post to RevisionRollBack
Child: Is this gonna hurt? Doctor: Only if God hates you.
The problem is that meeting new people is not going well either. I make new friends at work, but it doesn't translate well outside of work. Conflicting schedules or people living outside of town means that while I have a fair number of people here at work I get to chat through email with all day, I have no chance to visit any outside of work. Alot of people also keep work and personal relations seperate and refuse to be friends outside of work at all.
A close friend of mine online suggested I try looking for a speed dating event or singles group, but I had to explain to her how that would not work so well. I am a Transexual woman who is early in the transition and generally viewed as male by most, and I am predominately lesbian. This does not translate very well to the primarilly straight world of social singles events and speed dating.
About the only thing open for me is the bars...and to me the bars are where I go with friends, not to make friends. I do not like bars much generally and rarely even drink.
I know friends will come along, but in the meantime it doesn't leave me any less alone.
Neil Gaiman... didn't he write good omens with Terry Pratchett?
Haven't read it but it looks like he did! (Link)
He also wrote the Sandman graphic novels and the book the movie Stardust is based off as two other big projects that hes done. He writes a lot of other Fantasy novels and has a style thats reminiscent (in a good way) of a lot of other popular author's like Chuck Palahniuk (Fight Club) and others (at least thats the vibe I get from him at times...)
Quote from Omna »
Glad to see you here Golgo (unless I'm wrong, in which case I am, apologies) Welcome! And indeed I'd be more than happy to serve you some coffee *serves Mago the Special coffee of the day, black*
As for American Gods, I'm reading it right now Its pretty ... bizarre, but good, I guess.
*Sips coffee* Nice blend; Thanks Omna!
Golgo? Sorry I think you might have me confused with someone else... (old friend of the House?)
As for American Gods; ya its a bit strange (especially with the mini-chapters about random Gods; but they help to establish the background for the whole story and eventually a few get tied into the plot), but its a really good read! (How far are you into it, out of curiosity?)
@ Sakura - I'd suggest just getting out of the house/finding other types of group mixers (any local poetry jams/concerts/anime clubs), as those can help to speed up the process of finding people, just try turning hobbies into social events; and I wish you luck in overcoming this phase of melancholy!
We have been making plans for the last three months to get together to either hang out or go on dates, and every time she cancells at the very last minute. Something always comes up. When you already feel alone and unwanted to begin with, having someone do this to you without fail for 3 months straight just augments this feeling. Worse, because she is basically all I have for real life friends I let her keep doing it out of a desperate need for human companionship.
Yesterday we had plans to hang out and watch Hellraiser. I had learned not to expect anything from her, but she managed to convince me without a shadow of a doubt that this was going to happen. I set aside my whole day and I put extra effort into looking and smelling nice for her...and she did it again.
So I blocked and deleted her from MSN.
I can most definitely understand your feelings.. I oftentimes feel discarded a lot of the time when people change plans on me... that's one of my biggest problems I think, and I think its especially become an issue with Ryan for instance, because he isn't attempting to make me feel cast aside, but I still feel that way, which is dangerous, because it creates further frustration...
Its unfortunate when anyone needs to block/delete someone from their list... I feel that is the worst thing one can do to someone they communicate with online, because that is essentially the same as cancelling any input they had in your life. But it ultimately is your decision, one which I cannot tell you which is right or wrong... I can just speak from my own experience and opinion.
@Omna...Good luck. I remember the last event, I hope this does not turn out the way it was last time.
Additionally, I just had a chat with this person that offers japanese lessons. After giving me the details (yes, I'm going to start learning japanese...my 5th language XD)
Yeah, last summer was not pretty, and hurt both of us more than we really wanted.. But I'm almost completely confident this would not happen again with this girl... For one thing, she's lesbian now, and any remaining feelings he had for her were pretty much shot when they broke up the last time (the fifth...)
As for learning Japanese, congratulations... and 5 languages.. wow, that's quite the accomplishment!
All I have to say is @Omna, there is a dramatic difference between Sage and Tahlen here. I'd love to see you crush Tahlen at Magic
Hehe.. I would like to crush her as well... So much of Magic involves luck though, so we'd have to see.... although she claims to have not played in years.................Then again, I haven't played in 3 months, so I may be a bit rusty as well, so again, luck?
And a difference.... Hmm yeah probably.. We'll have to discuss that later
Besides though, I'd be surprised if she expressed interest in seeing both of us at once anyway. You also have to realize that she is very likely to do the same thing that apparently was being done to Sakura: She has a habit of blowing off her friends at the last minute. One of the reasons she hardly has any friends anymore (I'm referring to Tahlen here)
True... That could be interesting... I don't know, if she does, that'll just give me one more reason not to like her
And of course, I will say now that Sakura, based on personal experiences, it can be very frustrating when people blatantly ditch you like that. If it was ambiguous, that's understandable, but having definite solid plans being broken is irritating.
Quoted for Truth... Solid plans being broken can definitely be irritating.... and sometimes it actually happens that a person misunderstands that you perceived it as a solid plan.. So that can be doubly annoying when the other person says "We planned this?" ... d'oh!
Kevin, did you return? I think when I checked in briefly I saw you...
It seems that he did, and we are all glad he is back.
Also, just quickly, I'm curious. There have been many comments about me doing multiquote stuff before... and much of it is in jest, which I understand. But how many people think that it actually is seriously annoying?
No. At least, I don't because I really enjoy reading your long posts and hearing what you have to say to everyone, within context of their comments:) Its a very good thing indeed, dear
for anyone who is writing their thesises (I don't know the plural )...
I believe its theses
There is hope! I managed to get a first on my final year thesis! So keep at it! Mine was over five months and so much of the time I just thought what is the point, but it is worth giving up on everything for a few months just to ensure that you dont live your life with the "what if"s...
Sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo very true... Just to keep on keepin' on, put yer nose to the grindstone and you shall succeed..... Or rather in this case, I should say I should
@Omna: go meet her if she wants to meet you... it will show you another level of the past of the one you love... sometimes things like this dont work out, but the not knowing is worse than the knowing (feel free to tell me I dont know what happened before so I have no right to comment - I was just giving you my two cents on the whole thing!)
That's very true... I'd like to meet her, if only to go full circle in meeting everyone that was vital in Ryan's life growing up. Last summer, in a rather bare bones description: some poor choices were made on my part that involved an encounter which resulted in comparison between myself and another of his ex-girlfriends, while he was attempting to figure out his already confused feelings, which eventually led to a poor decision by the girl involved which confused him further, and caused a deterioration of trust between us that we are still struggling to repair in some senses. Hope that clarifies anything. its a painful experience to recount, so I'm not giving huge detail. But I'll have to give that some thought.. I do think it might be worthwhile to meet her, as I said before, to learn more about his past.. Thank you for your consideration and assistance
And congratulations Sakura to the 1200th post Have a
Just got back from lunch with a friend... had sushi after all.. It was good, but not that good... So it was fun to catch up with him and his new girlfriend
I'll check again in a few
EDIT: Sorry Mago, I was talking to someone last week or so (friend of Kevin's actually) and he said he saw that I was reading American Gods on the Coffeehouse and I didn't know his sn, and I could have sworn I saw this name online aroudn that time, so I apologize And of course, glad you like the coffee
@Omna - Heh; I actually had just got back from a bit of a hiatus from the internet last week, so I see how that could've happened... Hope that other person shows up!
@Faerie Lord - Its cool; its nice to be here!
@ Sakura - I'd suggest just getting out of the house/finding other types of group mixers (any local poetry jams/concerts/anime clubs), as those can help to speed up the process of finding people, just try turning hobbies into social events; and I wish you luck in overcoming this phase of melancholy!
There really is not alot available in this town that intrests me much, sadly. It really sucks here. Everything good is out of town.
I can most definitely understand your feelings.. I oftentimes feel discarded a lot of the time when people change plans on me... that's one of my biggest problems I think, and I think its especially become an issue with Ryan for instance, because he isn't attempting to make me feel cast aside, but I still feel that way, which is dangerous, because it creates further frustration...
Its unfortunate when anyone needs to block/delete someone from their list... I feel that is the worst thing one can do to someone they communicate with online, because that is essentially the same as cancelling any input they had in your life. But it ultimately is your decision, one which I cannot tell you which is right or wrong... I can just speak from my own experience and opinion.
The problem is having her available to talk to just leaves me wanting to make plans with her and leaves me heart broken. I have tried discussing it with her and explaining my point of view, and she apolgizes and it happens again.
I hear that. Some days it seems like my anxieties that got me in trouble (and had me switch majors) halfway through college have never left me, and in some ways have gotten worse. It's as if I'm terribly afraid of success, or afraid of growing up, or both. The latter, I know I have a latent fear of, ever since highschool when I was loathe to learn how to drive or find a job, but still... It irks. I need to find a solution to it, and I'm struggling, it seems.
I was hoping it'd get easier as I got older, but it seems to become more of a challenge. Perhaps it's because I have more exposure to the outside world now, and outside responsibilities, and I feel like I have these burdens hanging over my head all the time - the way an adult is expected to be, things I need to do to get my life in order, things I need to do to start transitioning - and I just wish it could all leave me alone.
I'm at the point now where I'm waking up in a panic, or finding myself on the verge of tears just going outside and being in public. I try to face my fear and anxieties head on, accept them and cope with them, but I just don't appear to being doing that. I'm not sure what to do that could calm me, because very little works anymore except for short periods of time.
Lately it's like I've been looking for things to freak out about. So many things popping up in my mind that could go wrong, mess up the relative stability I have right now, or interfere with moving on toward the future. I'm back to those superstitions, afraid to do certain things or think about specific fears because I'm worried that if I think about it, it will make it happen.
I become very worked up about fairly small matters, and it's exhausting.
I believe that if I was able to start transitioning right now, that this would help ease some of it. But that, too, is something a stressor, because there are costs to think about, emotional adjustments both in myself and the people in my life, things like that.
I think I've come a long way in facing life, facing the fear and the panic, making positive choices, but it's still hard. I know it will probably never be easy, but I'm wondering if I'll ever get better at all this.
Maybe part of it is I've been keeping this pretty bottled up recently, which makes it worse.
Quote from Sakura »
I need someone to sit with me to watch a movie, to go shopping with and tell me I look good or laugh when I try on really ugly stuff, to give me opinions. Someone to hold my hand someone, or whom I can hug when they need it or I need it. Why is this so hard and so out of my grasp. I have never been without friends before, even when I was an antisocial shut in.
I find myself feeling so numb and unemotive simply because I have nobody to share my emotions with.
I am a firm believer we need to love ourselves and put our own worth first. But this is beyond that. While in general I feel much more whole than I ever have in my life since I started to transition. More alive, more like me. But we are social creatures and I have nobody to share my success and hapiness with or my pain with.
Sakura, I really feel for you. I know what that loneliness is like, and I know that I'm lucky to have friends and family around me. It's very difficult to feel like you don't have anyone close to you who understands you, who can empathize with what you are going through and you can be there for you.
I know it's not much, but I'm sorry you have to go through that, and that you're alone during all this. I'm sure you feel very lonely, and it takes a lot of courage to deal with what you're dealing with as it is.
By the way, Sakura, I have a question for you:
Do you feel comfortable with the idea of perfectly blending in with women/girls? If and when guys tell you that you are sexy or beautiful as a woman, how do you feel about that?
If you don't mind my asking, of course.
All that I yearn for, for richer or poorer, is to be the light that you see. All that I yearn for, for richer or poorer, is to be the peace that you feel. All that I yearn for, for richer or poorer, is to fill your heart on my own.
But the rainbow is an image of hope for many reasons, as it is a brilliant sight coming out of oftimes dismal weather.
@Fishie : Good eyes recognizing where the banner is from. It is an awesome movie
@Mamelon : Honestly Mams, when it happens it makes my week. My favorite monets in the past few months; Random guy driving by in van whistling at me, older guy whoms printer I was fixing telling me I had a sexy voice and flirting with me, another female friend telling me I had a voice like a phone-sex operator, Alacar telling me my voice was sexy on the phone. These little things make up for all the pain, loneliness, and confusion...and keep me going. In these brief moments my whole life comes together. I have moments where I think "maybe I should just give up and live as a man so that people will accept me", these moments where my esteem is at rock bottom. But then I get these brief glimpses of completeness. And that is what they bring me, completeness. I have never felt so complete and whole as I have when given such a simple fulfilling compliment or acceptance as a woman as a sexual object. This makes everything worthwhile and gives me the strength to continue.
@Joyd. I cannot find school rumble on my anime viewing website, though I found this 6 episode anime named school days. Its not bad...
School Rumble is really great. It's not "Daioh" great, but it's still great. School Days, though, I haven't much cared for. It's not actually six episodes - it's still airing on Japanese TV right now. It's one of the summer season shows. More episodes will be added as they become available.
you're burning pron right as we speak, aren't ya?
i'll tell you what i hate more than rapidly rotating avvies? seeing a real pic of a user. it is just never even close to what i imagine [or don't].
Any chance I could get the House Specialty Coffee, Black? Muchas Gracias!
Anyone out there ever read Neil Gaiman's American Gods?
Many Thanks To CharlieD of Limited Edition Signatures!
Epic Avvy by Craven!
| [R&D] |
getting late, i'm in a complete trance after finding a particular techno remix on utube.
How's everyone doing, please Samurai_soldier don't loose the draft. I had to beat lsv to get those packs.
Yey! *Hunter44 eats the cookie* Finally a cookie from Omna..Well danica im really stressed out with these thesis stuff...I hope when I finished this the whole coffeehouse will be beside me to celebrate the victory!
Well LittleDivina, Ill be hanging around here as long as I can. Im happy in here..Ill always be your original Filipino stickin around..And thanks for what you said.^_^
IF thats the reason then its kinda shallow..Maybe there is a bigger reason..Dont feel bad Sakura-Chan..
Have you ever met a man named Arguas2617/Ryan???
Welcome to the house Mago.
GUYS DONT FORGET ITS MY BIRTHDAY ON AUGUST 15!!!! YEY! Im gonna be 20!
Monogreen 2007 | Jund Aggro MTGO 2013
Anyways, I wanted to say something long and big here, but I got distracted, and now I have to leave in 30 minutes to go to my driving test, and I havent gotten dressed/showered yet. I should pass, and I really hope I do.
I'm also not sure when I will post here again, even if I don't pass the test , I expect to be out all night with friends, and then tomorrow I have bowling followed by some time with people, and sunday...I don't know, that's probably the next time I'll post (if not late tonight).
Save some fun for when I return!
And the poem is good (I also assume you meant "Internal")
Doctor: Only if God hates you.
I have been in somewhat of a funk recently. A very real feeling of being alone. As you are all likely aware, I lost alot of real life friends over the last six months. While they all said they supported me, any move I made to try and go foward in my transition was met with "You are alienating us". Sigh.
Do any of you remember me mentioning Elisha? She was the girl I was casually seeing just before Myta. We have been still dating since, and she is one of my best friends. We have been making plans for the last three months to get together to either hang out or go on dates, and every time she cancells at the very last minute. Something always comes up. When you already feel alone and unwanted to begin with, having someone do this to you without fail for 3 months straight just augments this feeling. Worse, because she is basically all I have for real life friends I let her keep doing it out of a desperate need for human companionship.
Yesterday we had plans to hang out and watch Hellraiser. I had learned not to expect anything from her, but she managed to convince me without a shadow of a doubt that this was going to happen. I set aside my whole day and I put extra effort into looking and smelling nice for her...and she did it again.
So I blocked and deleted her from MSN.
I cannot take that anymore. I am alone enough as is, I do not need someone reminding me almost every day of that fact.
I have tonnes of internet friends and love them all dearly. All of you are amazing. But I am missing something so simple and important in my life.
I need someone to sit with me to watch a movie, to go shopping with and tell me I look good or laugh when I try on really ugly stuff, to give me opinions. Someone to hold my hand someone, or whom I can hug when they need it or I need it. Why is this so hard and so out of my grasp. I have never been without friends before, even when I was an antisocial shut in.
I find myself feeling so numb and unemotive simply because I have nobody to share my emotions with.
I am a firm believer we need to love ourselves and put our own worth first. But this is beyond that. While in general I feel much more whole than I ever have in my life since I started to transition. More alive, more like me. But we are social creatures and I have nobody to share my success and hapiness with or my pain with.
That is beautiful sweety. If you like poetry, you should check my signature, I have a link there.
No I do not. O_o I will check the "banned user" thread and see if what you refer to is there.
TY sweety
He was refering to a picture I sent him on his phone. Nothing dirty. I think Alababes just likes to show off and show his affections for me publicly. He really is sweet.
Heheh.. I know the feeling, I'm rabid fangirl for Harrison Ford
QFT Glad to hear things like this
Hey now.. yes he has, and oftentimes it requires a jolt of reminder from me (i'm his girlfriend, and he is also the co-owner of the 'House, Ophina) for him to remember, cuz he has so much going on, but he loves coming here when he can, and definitely has been here a lot recently which is an awesome thing
Totally.
Ooh sounds exciting! I bet that'd be a great place for you to work! Good luck w/ that!!
Sounds snazzy, I'll have to check her out
I have one too, somewhere, its one of those hokey poetry contests that are scams though, to try to get your money...
Congrats on the new burner
I definitely know how you feel.... I get this overwhelming anxiety sometimes, it can really be hindering... Speaking of change and anxiety, has anyone read the book "Who Moved my Cheese?" its a great ,and VERY quick read about change and how it affects different people in life.
I'll have to check this out, you've definitely mentioned it more than once
This is just funny I know its true but just the thought of that cross... lol. But seriously, I like guys with facial hair, so when Ryan had to shave his goatee off for work I was sad..
Just check out my profile for a picture of me (albeit almost 2 years old) and Arguas2617's for a picture of him.. Or even check out the usercards in the 2nd post, most are real pics, but not all.
Glad to see you here Golgo (unless I'm wrong, in which case I am, apologies) Welcome! And indeed I'd be more than happy to serve you some coffee *serves Mago the Special coffee of the day, black*
As for American Gods, I'm reading it right now Its pretty ... bizarre, but good, I guess.
Thanks for that link, I'll have to check it out once my hair dries (so I can put my hearing aids in and listen to music) most likely after lunch with my friend.. And have a good day at work Seph
We won't forget your birthday, Hunter And yeah I know the feeling about being stressed about the thesis....I've been putting mine off for waayy too long.. Got only about a week left b4 i really should submit the final part so I'm freaking out a little.. Granted I should be doing that, rather than posting here, but eh...
Have a good time with your friends, and good luck on your drivers' test.. I was supposed to get mine this week sometime, but I got freaked out from a couple scary incidents driving, and I'm not ready to rush myself on the roads, so I'm still unable to drive
Good to see you again, Ophina!! And yea, I believe he did, but I haven't read that one..Reading American Gods right now, and it was veryyyyyyyyy bizarre at the beginning.. its still odd, but slowly starting to ease up a little on the weirdness
Anyway, news of mine... Today's good.. i'm just relaxing here, waiting for an old highschool friend of mine to come pick me up and take me out to lunch.. we were gonna have sushi, but now we can't cuz of time constraints, so I'm a little bummed about that
Other than that, I really should be working on my thesis... Not sure what else to say as I've done catchup and I hope everyone's day is going to be a great one
Kind of interesting.. I'm going to be visiting Ryan's (Arguas2617) hometown for a couple weeks, as most of you may be aware, in about a week's time, and his first girlfriend is the only one of his friends that I have yet to officially meet in person.. She and I have conversed a time or two on AIM and Facebook, but I've never met her in person.... however, the last time I met one of Ryan's ex-girlfriends was last summer, and that turned into the most hellish experience... So naturally I'm a little hesitant, but at the same time, very curious. At least I know he has no remaining feelings for her due to her lifestyle changes over the past, but she is the girl he first loved... She has expressed interest in meeting me, and I wouldn't mind so much, but at the same time, I really don't want to cause more problems between he and I in the time I'm there..... An alternative would just to be to meet with her alone without his presence.. that way awkward "comparisons" whether intentional or not, wouldn't happen... I'm not sure though. Thoughts would be welcome
Have a good day folks
Magic Coffeehouse!
Come in, sit down, relax, get to know somebody!
Open Three and a Half Years as of October 19, 2009!
Banner by PurpleD and avatar/custom by Tanthalas
All I have to say is @Omna, there is a dramatic difference between Sage and Tahlen here. I'd love to see you crush Tahlen at Magic
Besides though, I'd be surprised if she expressed interest in seeing both of us at once anyway. You also have to realize that she is very likely to do the same thing that apparently was being done to Sakura: She has a habit of blowing off her friends at the last minute. One of the reasons she hardly has any friends anymore (I'm referring to Tahlen here)
Now, don't get me wrong, I may very well go intensively with that multiquote button later... for example, I saw Allin post some card designs, and I want to contribute comments. And of course, I will say now that Sakura, based on personal experiences, it can be very frustrating when people blatantly ditch you like that. If it was ambiguous, that's understandable, but having definite solid plans being broken is irritating. Sorry that you are having so much trouble finding acceptance, and you probably did the right thing here.
Point being that there is much to comment on.
Kevin, did you return? I think when I checked in briefly I saw you...
Also, just quickly, I'm curious. There have been many comments about me doing multiquote stuff before... and much of it is in jest, which I understand. But how many people think that it actually is seriously annoying?
Former R&D Development Team W leader
For your information, it's pronounced Argh + was.
Proud Co-Founder of
Magic Coffeehouse!
Come in, sit down, relax, get to know somebody!
@ FL: what languages do you speak. 5 is alot. I'm quadlingual (soon to be quin) i can speak Mandarin, Shanghai Dialect, Cantonese, English, and rudementary japanese (this will become fluent after next year when i take a year off and live in japan and china)
@ others: if your wondering why i consider the different dialects diffferent languages, while the characters are the same, the meanings are as far off as ancient chinese and japanese. furthermore nothing is pronounced the same, in fact, to northern chinese, cantonese and shanghai dialect are completely intelligible.
Yes i did return just havent had time to post as much as before mostly because of work oh well. I also dont mind either.
QFT
Well anyway i just wanted to drop by and say hello sorry i wasnt on last night i was talking to one of my personal best friends on the phone for a couple of hours it was fun talking to him again. I am going to head to work soon ill talk to you all soon though. Have a good one everyone! *hugs and blows kisses* Ill also write legacy of the week either tonight or tommorrow since i dont have work tommorrow.
Love,
Cecilia
I thank Mr. stuff for my banner and avatar.
I thank Sakura for the animation of my avatar.
"Miracles are only worth happening if you make them happen."
--Cecilia
Yoda of Legacy since 2006.
Member of the 2005 and 2007 MTGS Magic Team.
Also known as kevinliu2333.
Current favorite Magic card is Time Elemental
@ FL: wow really, thats imrpessive that in such a small country ther same thing exists.
Welcome back, Kevin.
I'm not Mr. Stuff, but I loved School Rumble.
WB to Kevin.
So uh.. yeah.. not much going on here. Just trying to get my burner working.. I just want Nero Express to be on my compy.. but I gotta frecken install the whole thing to get to it.
Like freeform roleplaying? Try Darkness Befalls Us
Ryttare Kelasin Luna Orelinalei
@Sakura: I know what you are going through... after finishing uni and going back home all of my "friends" have kinda drifted away out of laziness and not bothered-ness. I had three very close friends who I kept in contact with but when I came back I found I was always the one making the effort and she kept forgetting our plans. In the end, I just decided to leave the friendship, I stopped bothering because it was more painful for me to keep making effort and it being effectively rejected than to not have her as a friend at all any more. Just keep happy by whichever means you can find, and more real people will come along... just wait and see!
@Omna: go meet her if she wants to meet you... it will show you another level of the past of the one you love... sometimes things like this dont work out, but the not knowing is worse than the knowing (feel free to tell me I dont know what happened before so I have no right to comment - I was just giving you my two cents on the whole thing!)
Doctor: Only if God hates you.
The problem is that meeting new people is not going well either. I make new friends at work, but it doesn't translate well outside of work. Conflicting schedules or people living outside of town means that while I have a fair number of people here at work I get to chat through email with all day, I have no chance to visit any outside of work. Alot of people also keep work and personal relations seperate and refuse to be friends outside of work at all.
A close friend of mine online suggested I try looking for a speed dating event or singles group, but I had to explain to her how that would not work so well. I am a Transexual woman who is early in the transition and generally viewed as male by most, and I am predominately lesbian. This does not translate very well to the primarilly straight world of social singles events and speed dating.
About the only thing open for me is the bars...and to me the bars are where I go with friends, not to make friends. I do not like bars much generally and rarely even drink.
I know friends will come along, but in the meantime it doesn't leave me any less alone.
Haven't read it but it looks like he did! (Link)
He also wrote the Sandman graphic novels and the book the movie Stardust is based off as two other big projects that hes done. He writes a lot of other Fantasy novels and has a style thats reminiscent (in a good way) of a lot of other popular author's like Chuck Palahniuk (Fight Club) and others (at least thats the vibe I get from him at times...)
*Sips coffee* Nice blend; Thanks Omna!
Golgo? Sorry I think you might have me confused with someone else... (old friend of the House?)
As for American Gods; ya its a bit strange (especially with the mini-chapters about random Gods; but they help to establish the background for the whole story and eventually a few get tied into the plot), but its a really good read! (How far are you into it, out of curiosity?)
@ Sakura - I'd suggest just getting out of the house/finding other types of group mixers (any local poetry jams/concerts/anime clubs), as those can help to speed up the process of finding people, just try turning hobbies into social events; and I wish you luck in overcoming this phase of melancholy!
Many Thanks To CharlieD of Limited Edition Signatures!
Epic Avvy by Craven!
| [R&D] |
I can most definitely understand your feelings.. I oftentimes feel discarded a lot of the time when people change plans on me... that's one of my biggest problems I think, and I think its especially become an issue with Ryan for instance, because he isn't attempting to make me feel cast aside, but I still feel that way, which is dangerous, because it creates further frustration...
Its unfortunate when anyone needs to block/delete someone from their list... I feel that is the worst thing one can do to someone they communicate with online, because that is essentially the same as cancelling any input they had in your life. But it ultimately is your decision, one which I cannot tell you which is right or wrong... I can just speak from my own experience and opinion.
Yeah, last summer was not pretty, and hurt both of us more than we really wanted.. But I'm almost completely confident this would not happen again with this girl... For one thing, she's lesbian now, and any remaining feelings he had for her were pretty much shot when they broke up the last time (the fifth...)
As for learning Japanese, congratulations... and 5 languages.. wow, that's quite the accomplishment!
Hehe.. I would like to crush her as well... So much of Magic involves luck though, so we'd have to see.... although she claims to have not played in years.................Then again, I haven't played in 3 months, so I may be a bit rusty as well, so again, luck?
And a difference.... Hmm yeah probably.. We'll have to discuss that later
True... That could be interesting... I don't know, if she does, that'll just give me one more reason not to like her
Quoted for Truth... Solid plans being broken can definitely be irritating.... and sometimes it actually happens that a person misunderstands that you perceived it as a solid plan.. So that can be doubly annoying when the other person says "We planned this?" ... d'oh!
It seems that he did, and we are all glad he is back.
No. At least, I don't because I really enjoy reading your long posts and hearing what you have to say to everyone, within context of their comments:) Its a very good thing indeed, dear
I believe its theses
Sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo very true... Just to keep on keepin' on, put yer nose to the grindstone and you shall succeed..... Or rather in this case, I should say I should
That's very true... I'd like to meet her, if only to go full circle in meeting everyone that was vital in Ryan's life growing up. Last summer, in a rather bare bones description: some poor choices were made on my part that involved an encounter which resulted in comparison between myself and another of his ex-girlfriends, while he was attempting to figure out his already confused feelings, which eventually led to a poor decision by the girl involved which confused him further, and caused a deterioration of trust between us that we are still struggling to repair in some senses. Hope that clarifies anything. its a painful experience to recount, so I'm not giving huge detail. But I'll have to give that some thought.. I do think it might be worthwhile to meet her, as I said before, to learn more about his past.. Thank you for your consideration and assistance
And congratulations Sakura to the 1200th post Have a
Just got back from lunch with a friend... had sushi after all.. It was good, but not that good... So it was fun to catch up with him and his new girlfriend
I'll check again in a few
EDIT: Sorry Mago, I was talking to someone last week or so (friend of Kevin's actually) and he said he saw that I was reading American Gods on the Coffeehouse and I didn't know his sn, and I could have sworn I saw this name online aroudn that time, so I apologize And of course, glad you like the coffee
Magic Coffeehouse!
Come in, sit down, relax, get to know somebody!
Open Three and a Half Years as of October 19, 2009!
Banner by PurpleD and avatar/custom by Tanthalas
@Faerie Lord - Its cool; its nice to be here!
Many Thanks To CharlieD of Limited Edition Signatures!
Epic Avvy by Craven!
| [R&D] |
There really is not alot available in this town that intrests me much, sadly. It really sucks here. Everything good is out of town.
The problem is having her available to talk to just leaves me wanting to make plans with her and leaves me heart broken. I have tried discussing it with her and explaining my point of view, and she apolgizes and it happens again.
@Alababes
can you add this to my banner sweety?
I was hoping it'd get easier as I got older, but it seems to become more of a challenge. Perhaps it's because I have more exposure to the outside world now, and outside responsibilities, and I feel like I have these burdens hanging over my head all the time - the way an adult is expected to be, things I need to do to get my life in order, things I need to do to start transitioning - and I just wish it could all leave me alone.
I'm at the point now where I'm waking up in a panic, or finding myself on the verge of tears just going outside and being in public. I try to face my fear and anxieties head on, accept them and cope with them, but I just don't appear to being doing that. I'm not sure what to do that could calm me, because very little works anymore except for short periods of time.
Lately it's like I've been looking for things to freak out about. So many things popping up in my mind that could go wrong, mess up the relative stability I have right now, or interfere with moving on toward the future. I'm back to those superstitions, afraid to do certain things or think about specific fears because I'm worried that if I think about it, it will make it happen.
I become very worked up about fairly small matters, and it's exhausting.
I believe that if I was able to start transitioning right now, that this would help ease some of it. But that, too, is something a stressor, because there are costs to think about, emotional adjustments both in myself and the people in my life, things like that.
I think I've come a long way in facing life, facing the fear and the panic, making positive choices, but it's still hard. I know it will probably never be easy, but I'm wondering if I'll ever get better at all this.
Maybe part of it is I've been keeping this pretty bottled up recently, which makes it worse.
Sakura, I really feel for you. I know what that loneliness is like, and I know that I'm lucky to have friends and family around me. It's very difficult to feel like you don't have anyone close to you who understands you, who can empathize with what you are going through and you can be there for you.
I know it's not much, but I'm sorry you have to go through that, and that you're alone during all this. I'm sure you feel very lonely, and it takes a lot of courage to deal with what you're dealing with as it is.
By the way, Sakura, I have a question for you:
Do you feel comfortable with the idea of perfectly blending in with women/girls? If and when guys tell you that you are sexy or beautiful as a woman, how do you feel about that?
If you don't mind my asking, of course.
All that I yearn for, for richer or poorer, is to be the peace that you feel.
All that I yearn for, for richer or poorer, is to fill your heart on my own.
Gaymers | Magic Coffeehouse | Little Jar of Mamelon | Natural 20
@Mamelon : Honestly Mams, when it happens it makes my week. My favorite monets in the past few months; Random guy driving by in van whistling at me, older guy whoms printer I was fixing telling me I had a sexy voice and flirting with me, another female friend telling me I had a voice like a phone-sex operator, Alacar telling me my voice was sexy on the phone. These little things make up for all the pain, loneliness, and confusion...and keep me going. In these brief moments my whole life comes together. I have moments where I think "maybe I should just give up and live as a man so that people will accept me", these moments where my esteem is at rock bottom. But then I get these brief glimpses of completeness. And that is what they bring me, completeness. I have never felt so complete and whole as I have when given such a simple fulfilling compliment or acceptance as a woman as a sexual object. This makes everything worthwhile and gives me the strength to continue.
This made me chuckle. Well... yeah. It's Mononoke. It is good.
You're in luck. Anime of the Week is tonight, and you've just given me some inspiration - I know exactly the show to pick.
School Rumble is really great. It's not "Daioh" great, but it's still great. School Days, though, I haven't much cared for. It's not actually six episodes - it's still airing on Japanese TV right now. It's one of the summer season shows. More episodes will be added as they become available.
It is an amazing movie. Felicity did an amazingly believable job.