Happy Returns, All!

Well, I'm back from the spa, but while I was there, I made sure to keep a very thorough diary-


9/25/07

Why hello, everyone!

Everyone who knows me knows I love nothing better than a Frenchman in heavy makeup, so you can imagine just how devastated I was to learn that Marcel Marceau had passed recently. I first heard the news while I was out lunching with my dear friend Delta Burke- although to call it a lunch would be a stretching the truth like a pair of her old leggings. Now that she's gotten the stapling, all she does is peck at a handful of lightly seasoned bird seed and make some strange cooing noises while I attempt to make conversation. If I didn't know better, I could swear she wasn't Delta at all, but rather a flock of pidgeons!

Mmmm, pidgeons. I don't mind telling you, I love eating ham, and I don't care what my rabbi says. I like a meat that tastes like salt.

Well, my first day of beauty is going quite well. The spa administrator told me they just started offering a new service called ostial loosening. Well, I wasn't aware my bones had gotten so tight, so you can imagine how embarassed I was! I signed up for that treatment first of all, let me just tell you. It was quite exquisite. First they wrap you up in towels and then they toss you up against a wall while a Malaysian woman screams some nonsense while she beats a drum. I'm not sure WHAT the hell it did for me, but it certainly FELT trendy, so I was happy to have it. Afterward, I treated myself to a nice massage. I don't mind telling you, I was feeling frisky, and I may have made a pass at my masseur, which caused him to get quite rough with me and made him threaten to beat me to a pulp. I wasn't too worried, however, because I enjoy being hit.

Well, later tonight I'm scheduled for a new treatment that is supposed to shave years off my appearance. I am not sure what it entails just yet, but if it doesn't involve stem cells or harming an endangered animal, I'm going to file a complaint!


9/26/07

Mmmm, well, things are going swimmingly at the Boca de Cerdo Day Spa and Dry Cleaners. I'm meeting all sorts of fabulous people here. Just yesterday, I got a colonic done with none other than Kathy Bates! She was there in cognito, of course, which is something I intend to do then next time I decide to come here- and I WILL be returning, provided the management doesn't sue me for damages once they see the horrible stains I left in the suite. I tried to warn them; fruit salad leads to disaster! Its like I keep telling my dietician, if it isn't Pfizer, Smirnoff, or M&M Mars, it doesn't belong in my body.

Oh, I thought you should all know, when I come home, the first thing I will be doing is calling up doctor and scheduling some work. I think I'm going to get cat eyes, because its come to my attention that small children are no longer instinctively afraid of me.

Being here at the spa has given me a lot of time to think. I think I need more friends who can't get over themselves, because I've never been a role model. Sometimes, my right foot swells up like a summer squash, and when you press it, you can see your thumbprint for nearly 20 minutes! Makes me want to slather some jam in there and serve it like a cookie, it really does. Well, I don't have much more time to write, I'm afraid, because I need to run down to the local liquor store and break a hundred dollar bill. I saw a vending machine that sells prepackaged snack cakes, and you know how I love to gnaw a sponge!


9/27/07

I think I just have to let you all know, I've temporarily gone blind. Just a word of advice, just because you drop an olive in a bottle of tub and tile cleaner doesn't make it a cocktail, now does it? You may be wondering how this all came to happen, especially since I'm away on spa.

Well, as it turns out, I had neglected to pay last month's credit card bill because I needed the money to pay off my Avon lady- just as a secondary word of advice, don't assume that because a woman teaches the Sunday School at the First Methodist that she won't go through with a threat to break your kneecaps, mmmm, no. So, as you can see, I had some momentary money problems, and it ends up my card was denied when it came time to settle my bill at the old Boca de Cerdo... so instead of being carted off to some filthy prison, I agreed to pull a couple of shifts on housekeeping. I can just tell you, I haven't worked so hard since I agreed to help Elizabeth Hasselback learn to live with lesbians! My breasts are practically calloused over from all this blue collar labor!

But it hasn't been without its perks, as my stint down in laundry has left me with a few new additions to my celebrity underwear collection- so everyone say hello to Lou Diamond Phillips and Sandra Oh! Mmmm, yes, stealing. Well, my supervisor, Guadalupe, is insisting I stop dilly-dallying and get back to work, or she'll put her cigarette out on me. Between my cold sores and the stings I received from that pack of scorpions I ran across after I tried to dodge my bill by running through the desert, I simply can't risk another blemish, so I'm off for now! I'll be seeing you all soon, and let me just tell you, when you do see me, I'll be STUNNING.
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Blaine Woodturtle's avatar
Blaine Woodturtle

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