Getting to Know Me
To begin my blog, I thought I might share a little bit of information about myself.
My name is Blaine G. Woodturtle, of the East Cameron Woodturtles. I was born with a nearly flawless English accent in Cameron, Missouri, and all my friends and the family that still speak to me say I sound exactly like Minnie Driver, only without the brain damage.
I'm a fashionable young gay man, but I see myself as more of a woman because gender is oppressive. I was recently made aware of this by a particularly fabulous drag queen who I met while running from the local mobs! I work in retail, but I hope to be rich some day, because everyone in my family has been registered with the Republican National Party, and I don't intend to break those traditions, goodness, no!
I enjoy playing Civilization on my Dell computer and singing songs out of old church hymnals while wearing robes. I'm a big fan of all sorts of music. I love Sandy Patty and Amy Grant, but don't think I still don't like to get crunked! Oh, Heaven only knows!
I'm an avid churchgoer, or at least I was until I was kicked out for stealing out of the offering plate. I tell you, though, I honestly thought I saw a buffalo nickel in there, and you KNOW I can't resist a chance to go antiquing!
My favorite color is red. If I had to pick a celebrity I looked like, I would say... Audrey Hepburn, but before she got all wrinkly. Also, my mother thinks she's a lesbian, but she's actually just an alcoholic, and my only real fears are women in espadrilles and God.
Well, I hope you have a better picture of who I am! If you still need some help, just open the liquor cabinet and take a deep breath, and you'll start to get a good idea- and speaking of liquor, so have I! Or revwa, everyone! That is how the French say goodbye!
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Posted Sep 24, 2007-
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Posted Sep 24, 2007mmmm,Shrimp Whip. Sea Food Slavery and the cold fish grease that cums along with the job.
I'd love just slapping people aboot with our shrimp whip. And then tying them together with said whip.
*Crawls over to you with shrimp propulsion
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Posted Sep 24, 2007Mmmm... shrimp whip. Creamy. Nice.
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Posted Sep 24, 2007Would our shrimp feet move us around without our conscent, or would they be linked to our nerves in a way where we'd be able to control their motions and in that way control how we move.
I mean really, toes aren't a far cry from shrimp.
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Posted Sep 24, 2007-
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Posted Sep 24, 2007I met God once...Mother of Jesus is more accurate. Apparantly God makes mistakes, even with himself...er...herself.
Ever wonder why he was reaching for that naked guy?
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Posted Sep 24, 2007You certainly can't be the REAL God, because the REAL God would never be willing to forgive me for that time I volunteered at the battered womens' shelter.
Honestly, you try to teach a woman to roll with a punch, and suddenly people start throwing around words like "battery and assault", and "inhuman beast."
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Posted Sep 24, 2007-
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Posted Sep 24, 2007Yes, I love my avatar, too. It's Joanna Lumley from the BBC's Absolutely Fabulous. I'm not sure who she is aside from that, but I swear she looks EXACTLY like my mother's girlfriend. In fact, I'm fairly certain I get my fashion sense from her- not to mention these massive shoulders and this liver of steel.
By the way, if we are meant to be friends, I must tell you, I only hang around ugly girls, since I don't like competition.
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Posted Sep 24, 2007And you have the most amazing avatar I've ever seem. I'm way jealous since before this I was the most glamorous cat on the boards.
I like your style, a lot. I'm not sure what the magicoughouse is, but it has a nice name.And some part of me want to be some part of it.
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Posted Sep 24, 2007Incidentally, my sister has a nose like a pig and my parents left her to be raised by the Spanish woman who did our laundry.
Well, I have to go slip into a pair of pumps and a Vera Wang wedding dress. I have to run down to the A&P and pick up a can of Spaghettios, and then stop by the planned pregnancy center and protest for a bit. It's not that I am pro-life or anything, I just like holding signs, mmmm, yes.
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Posted Sep 24, 2007Except for me it was a priests collar (don't ask...well ok ask)
And I fashioned it into a puppy
And I was like that gay man who played Dorothy
They arrested me when I tried to free the Lion from the zoo....facsists!!!
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Posted Sep 24, 2007-
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Posted Sep 24, 2007I've been crammed into alot of boys stuff actually.
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Posted Sep 24, 2007-
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Posted Sep 24, 2007My guests cannot spell usually. They went to public school.
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Posted Sep 24, 2007-
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Posted Sep 24, 2007Just letting you know while the nuns were flogging you I managed to grab that nickle...and it was a buffalo.
You should send me your address, I promise each year for christmas to send you one normal modern nickle to make up for the one I denied you of. Besides, I belive it is just to pay for good entertainment when I see it, and I appreciate a good nun-flogging. You saved me weeks of therapy.
Do you have a good recipe for Gespacho?