There Is No Mathematics to Love and Loss

I'm going all-out livejournal because I can, and naming my blog entries after songs. So Google my blog entry names and diversify yourself.

My roommate and I had an interesting conversation tonight. Poor guy's girlfriend of two years broke up with him after he took the LSATs last weekend, and he only told me now. He was talking to her online I guess.

He began it by asking me to name the last time I was truly happy and content. It was in August, when Sarah and I looked to be giving it another go - but of course, a day later that fell through and became nearly more painful than ever. If you don't know the history of Sarah and I, well, you'll just have to ask, I guess. It's a long story.

So anyway. Our Homecoming week is next week, and my fraternity, ΖΨ, got matched up with a sorority of high repute on campus, ΑΧΩ. So there's a great chance for either of us to make a connection, since we hang out with the girls every night all week. But the question we asked each other tonight is, should we?

I made a conscious decision several months ago to de-prioritize romance, because Sarah was coming back from England and we'd get another chance. Until then, I reasoned, I wouldn't be able to get her out of the back of my head, and my heart wouldn't be in any relationship. Which would be fine and logical, but now that she's told me she can't be in any relationship, I should be moving on, right? Except I can't. Maybe it's because I'm apathetic due to my aforementioned de-prioritization (I believe I just made that word up). Maybe it's because it's that stupidity that love is reputed to give you. In other words, it's either genuine love or me being a dumbass. I think it is either way, actually.

But my decision doesn't necessarily fit for Jon. And he pointed out that my decision doesn't necessarily fit for me. We talked about priorities. What's more important for us? And what are we looking for in a relationship? Neither of us is looking for marriage until probably our early 30's, but I pointed out that you don't want to be out of the game for too long, either. It doesn't make sense to just sit back and wait until the years where we think it'd be acceptable to get married to begin looking again. I pointed that out. As soon as I said it, I saw the hypocrisy.

What am I doing? I've not had an official "girlfriend" since mid-2006. More than two years ago. I chased quite possibly the most beautiful, charming, and enigmatic girl I've ever known for a while, in the process committing and butchering the most romantic act of my entire life. I reconnected with the most perfect match for me I could ever see as possible, and haven't really gotten over her yet.

And here I sit, using academics as an excuse to avoid re-entry into the social scene, using straightedge as the reason why I don't go to parties. Really, I'm just awkward. I just function in the Magic environment, whereas the fraternity drinking scene is my kryptonite.

Occasionally I hope that at some party, I'll meet some other girl just as uncomfortable as me, and we can connect over that. But girls like that don't go to parties I go to. They just don't. My sister thinks I'm an awful person for disqualifying any girls that show up to our parties, but I only did it as a logical conclusion. I always feel out of place at parties, and girls that are uncomfortable at parties don't go to them, so any girls at the parties are into partying. And I'm not. A bad start to any relationship.
Note that I'm not one for hookups or one-night stands.

A conundrum! And I know not what to do. Jon's getting really fed up with the straightedge thing, he really wants me to drink. Obviously that's not going to tilt it. But I will be attending these homecoming functions, because nearly everybody goes to them. Hopefully, that applies to the ΑΧΩ girls, not just my brothers.

This should be a fun two-week stretch.


Love, loss, and Liberty always,
♪
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Feuerdrache

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