While (Somewhere to Run)
I remember this song from back when I was still with my former boyfriend. This was a band I was really getting into around that time, so their music brings back a lot of memories. This song in particular, because of one morning. I had just seen him a little while ago, and though we tried to keep in phone contact frequently, I missed him. I remember one morning in the late spring I was sitting in my living room with the sunlight, still pale, falling softly through my window. This song was playing, and I felt a deep sense of relaxation. I couldn't help but think about how "autumn-like" the music's tone felt. I was imagining many more mornings like that one, quiet and calm, only spent with him instead of by myself. I was looking forward to hearing from him again.
Ironically, I think that day was the last day I ever heard his voice.
What this music reminds me of is that sensation of waiting, the dream carried with it, of something personal and tender, a hope for life that seemed like it might be fulfilled. The refrain (and the final verse) I always found very touching:
Maybe someday, baby
And we'll be sleeping with the TV on.
Goodnight. Goodnight, for you.
I wanna stay together, darling
To lovin' that last all forever.
Goodnight. Goodnight, for you.
Something sighted but not found, words waiting to be said.
It signifies so many little things we hope for, needs we want cared for, private parts of ourselves, dreams we want to live. Feeling whole, with warmth and shelter, being home. The way we're hoping, silently, life will turn out to be.
There are quiet dreams everybody nurses as they go, little wishes that so often go unseen unanswered. It revives the image of an innocence of a long while ago, places that you could go for safety, friends who you felt would always be there. Potential for a future that felt neverending. Thinking about someday, and wondering what it might be.
I was looking through my songs today and I came across this one and decided to listen to it again. Out of nostalgia, I looked up the lyrics of it, as I never knew the full English lyrics before. Finally learning what they were felt personal somehow, cathartic.
It isn't just that this song reminds me of him, but of that time, that dreaming about a someday. Envisioning someone's house I could run to. And the thought that there might not be such a place. That hopeful waiting, and how one of the things I was waiting for didn't ever come to be. Wanting to believe I might be able to share that with someone. Not feeling lonely for the first time in a long time, and being so grateful for it. And then being lonely again.
In the end, I wasn't really alone. I suppose the song isn't completely sad. Underneath it, there's more. While there is loss, loss is not the end, nor all there ever will be. And whatever happens, there is still that part within you from long ago. Even if you don't live it quite the way you hoped, and even if others don't really see it, it's still part of you. Even when it's out of sight, "someday" is still there. Sometimes, it's even right here.
So, goodnight. Just for now, goodnight.
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