My Banner, or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Ask for Funny Stuff

"Meow" means "Woof" in Cat.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.
A penny saved is a government oversight.
A tree: First you chop it down, then you chop it up.
A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
After a year in therapy, my psychiatrist said to me, "Maybe life isn't for everyone."
All generalizations are false.
Alone: In bad company.
Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.
An oral contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.
Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or fattening.
Anything not fitting into these categories causes cancer in rats.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
As you journey through life take a minute every now and then to give a thought for the other fellow. He could be plotting something.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Avoid Alliteration. Always.
Bad spellers of the world untie!
Be alert - the world needs more lerts.
Be careful: the toes you step on today may be connected to the ass you must kiss tomorrow.
Be proud of being modest!
Beauty is only a light switch away.
Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
Better to remain silent and appear a fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubts.
Better to understand a little than misunderstand a lot.
Birthdays are like glazed donuts. Sometimes it's better not to remember how many you've had.
Borrow money from a pessimist. They don't expect it back.
Boycott shampoo! Demand the real thing.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Children in the dark make accidents, but accidents in the dark make children.
Chocolate. Coffee. Men. Some things are just better rich.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
Death to all fanatics!
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Disney is a people-trap operated by a mouse.
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and good with ketchup.
Do not use a hatchet to remove a fly from your friend's forehead.
Do unto others as you would have them do unto you--but do it first.
Don't argue with a fool. The spectators won't tell the difference.
Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
Don't sweat the petty things. Don't pet the sweaty things.
Don't take life too seriously. You won't get out alive.
Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
Dyslexics have more nuf.
Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.
Eat right, exercise daily, live clean. Die anyway.
E-i-e-i-o is actually a gross misspelling of the word "farm."
Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Niether did I.
Every time I think I've hit the bottom, someone lends me a shovel.
Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Free advice is worth what you paid for it.
Friends -- the people who stab you in the front.
Friends are like money: Easier made than kept.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Friends who think they're perfect are very annoying to those of us who really are.
Friends: People who know you well, but like you anyway.
Genius has its limits, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.
Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he will buy a stupid hat.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
Goals are deceptive: The unaimed arrow never misses.
God is Love. Love is blind. Stevie Wonder is blind. Therefore, Stevie Wonder is God.
Guys: No Shirt, No Service. Gals: No Shirt, No Charge.
Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
Having a smoking section in a restaurant is a little like having a peeing section in a pool.
Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember you when he is in trouble again.
Holy Kleenex, Batman! It was right under our nose and we blew it!
Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
I am becoming increasingly worried that there isn't enough anxiety in my life.
I am in shape. Round is a shape.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
I disagree with unanimity.
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
I have my doubts about disbelief.
I have this nagging fear that everyone is out to make me paranoid.
I hope the crime of the century happens real soon, so I get to read about it.
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
I keep telling myself that I am a pathological liar, but I am not sure if I believe it.
I talk to myself because I like dealing with a better class of people.
I think, therefore I am single.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
I used to have a handle on life. Then it broke.
I went to a fight and a hockey game broke out.
I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
If a cluttered desk is characteristic of a cluttered mind, what does an empty desk mean?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If at first you don't succeed, sky diving definitely isn't for you.
If at first you don't succeed, then get someone else to do it. It's called using your initiative.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If drumsticks are for playing drums, what are breadsticks for?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
If Ignorance is Bliss, why aren't more people happy?
If Noah had been smart he would have swatted those two flies.
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If stupidity can get you into a mess, then why can't it get you out?
If the world were a logical place, men would ride side-saddle.
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
If there's one thing I can't stand, it's intolerance.
If viewers had discretion, most TV shows wouldn't be on the air.
If you are feeling unsuccessful just think about this: eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
If you are feeling unsuccessful, remember: Even a blind squirrel finds a nut sometimes.
If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hands.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
If you can't beat 'em, arrange to have them beaten.
If you can't convince them, confuse them.
If you try to fail, and succeed, what have you done?
If you want people to know where you stand, wear the same socks for two weeks.
If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either.
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
I'm still not sure if I understand ambiguity.
In case of emergency, break glass. Scream. Bleed to death.
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
In the land of the unassertive, the aggressive man is king.
In the long run we are all dead.
Inside of every silver lining, there is a dark cloud.
Is it possible to be totally partial?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
It may be that the sole purpose of your life is to serve as a warning to others.
It's lonely at the top. But the food is better.
It's not whether you win or lose, but how you place the blame.
Join the army, meet interesting people, kill them.
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
Life is a razor: You are always in hot water or a scrape.
Life is a sexually transmitted disease, and it's 100% fatal.
Life is full of disappointments, and I'm full of life!
Life is the only thing you can't get out of alive.
Life is wasted on the living.
Life is what happens while you are making other plans.
Love: An obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage.
Make something so simple an idiot can use it, and only an idiot will want to use it.
Man who sneezes without tissues takes matters into his own hands.
Mankind is stupid. If you forget, they will remind you.
Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and a woman gets her Masters.
Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Ergo...
Marriage is love. Love is blind. Marriage is an institution. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.
Marriage is very much like a violin: After the sweet music is over the strings are attached.
Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
May your life be like toilet paper. Long and useful.
Meetings: A practical alternative to work.
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
Mirrors can't talk. And lucky for you they can't laugh.
Most people don't act stupid. It's the real thing.
My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.
Never judge a book by it's movie.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
No electrons were harmed in the creation of this message.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Nobody knows what's next, but they always do it.
Not only am I redundant & superfluous, but I also tend to use more words than necessary.
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
On one hand, I'm indecisive; but on the other, I'm not.
On one issue at least, men and women agree: They both distrust women.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
Opportunity always looks bigger going away than it does coming up.
People have the right to be stupid, but some abuse that privilege.
Prejudiced people are all alike.
Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
Pride of nationality depends not on ignorance of other nations, but on ignorance of one's own.
Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
Razors pain you. Rivers are damp. Acids stain you and drugs cause cramp. Guns aren't lawful; nooses give. Gas smells awful; you might as well live.
Reality is a big, nasty, vicious dragon, but I don't believe in dragons.
Remember: FIRST you pillage, THEN you burn.
Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Smile, and the whole world smiles with you. Fart, and you stand alone.
Smoking is one of the leading cause of statistics.
Some drink from the fountain of knowledge. Others just gargle.
Some people say I'm superficial, but that's just on the surface.
Some people type so fast, they forget to include
Spelling is a lossed art.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words might hurt me deeply, causing great emotional, mental, and psychological damage leading to a lowered self-esteem and decreased work-related efficiency.
Stop the slaughter--Boycott baby oil.
Success always occurs in private. Failure always occurs in full view.
Support bacteria; they're the only culture some people have.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them.
The early bird gets the worm, but the early worm gets eaten.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
The following sentence is true. The previous sentence is false.
The optimist thinks this is the best of all possible worlds. The pessimist fears it's true.
The severity of an itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
The surest sign of intelligent life in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.
The trick to flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
The trouble with the rat-race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.
The world's full of apathy, but I don't care.
There are only three kinds of people; people who can count and people who can't.
There are two kinds of people: 1. Those who finish what they start.
There are two rules for success in life: Rule 1: Don't tell people everything you know.
There is a cure for Apathy, but nobody cares.
There is no cure for birth or death save to enjoy the interval.
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
There's no future in time travel.
There's no such thing as nonexistence.
Those who judge others will burn in Hell!
Three may keep a secret -- if two of them are dead.
Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
To err is human. To really screw things up you need a computer.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
To talk without thinking is to shoot without aiming.
Today is the last day of some of your life.
Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?
What is the probability that something will happen according to the odds?
When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
When I die, I want to go like my grandfather did, peacefully in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like all the passengers in his car.
When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
Where in the nursery rhyme does it say that Humpty Dumpty was an egg?
Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
Which is worse: Ignorance or Apathy? Who knows? Who cares?
Why are they called buildings when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?
Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
You're not a complete idiot: You have some parts missing.
3
Alacar Leoricar's avatar
Alacar Leoricar

Comments

  • To post a comment, please or register a new account.
Posts Quoted:
Reply
Clear All Quotes