Cloverfield

WARNING: The following is a completely partial, biased, personal opinion. If you don't want to hear what I think, then don't read.

SPOILER WARNING: The following contains SEVERAL spoilers for the newly released film, "Cloverfield."

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Seriously now..

Last chance to turn back...

This movie sucks!

Okay, okay, where do I begin. I'll try to introduce this movie. Back in July of 2007, when Transformers was in theatres, we got to see the original teaser for a film that had no name. We saw almost nothing of what was truly happening, and the fact that the Statue of Liberty's head slammed down the street made me think "Oh, ****, a Voltron movie", or something along the lines of a giant robot/monster/menace terrorizing the streets. The teaser is a bit different from the movie. In fact, it was better than the movie. For the longest time this movie was being whispered about before we even knew its name. We had no idea what to expect. It made me almost excited.

Then it came close to release.

We saw the name, we heard the original premise: "Cross The Blair Witch Project" with "Godzilla", and you have... "Cloverfield"! What a neat idea, huh? Personally, I was wanting it to be Godzilla. I HATED Blair Witch, but it looked like it had awesome production value in comparison with Blair, and we could actually possibly SEE what was going on, as opposed to Blair, we never even SEE what's going on.

Then, we got to see a reportedly 'leaked' design sketch of the 'monster' in Cloverfield.
This monster is NOT the actual creature in Cloverfield. It's a fake leak, but honestly, compared to the monster that's ACTUALLY in the movie, the one in this picture would've been more awesome. For one thing, the creature in the film looks like a giant lizard/dinosaur/insect, and its 'parasites' are basically miniature versions of it. Personally, I would've liked this giant mutated whale. It's twice as big as the real monster, looks more cool, and makes a lot more sense as to what it is or where it comes from.

Okay, okay. Now the characters. The beginning of the movie is a short, squished introduction to the main characters, the people the story revolves around a lot more than the actual attack by the monster. In fact, the movie is ABOUT the people and their attempts to make it out of the city. The problem is, the relationships between the characters and the main reason the people are STILL in the city rather than fleeing early on feels convoluted, rushed, and simplistic. The main guy has to go back to save his girlfriend, who's been trapped in her demolished apartment building.. and his friends go with him. Oye!

I can't feel very sympathetic to these people. The way it's presented, while it simulates real life very well, doesn't take enough time and effort to establish the characters, how deep their relationships are with each other, and why they are doing what they're doing. I can't feel for them, I can't even identify with them, because in the pre-disaster introduction, I'm rushed into things. I'm expected to accept things at face value and assume the characters are the way they are. Bottom line, this is a MOVIE, and I can't feel bad for these people unless I get to know them. The ONLY time I really felt for the main character is when his brother was killed, and he had to talk to his mom on the phone. I felt for him then. But I could care less about him wanting to go back for the girl he had a crush on and had sex with once and wanted to save. I didn't understand why they decided to go against reason. If I were one of his friends, I would smack him in the face and say that if we went to go save her, we would be killed. And you know what happened? They went to save her, and they were all killed (save for one, she managed to escape on a helicopter--but she got lucky). During this whole affair, I can't feel for any of them, except for the guy behind the camera 99% of the time, Hud. He's a straight up guy, and in the time of crisis, he even tries to liven things up with a little humor. But there's not enough of it, and not enough on him to make him more than just the cameraman. It's a damned shame.

Next, there's the camera itself. Half the time it feels like, yes, it is being held by Hud, and yes, we are there. The other half of the time it feels like the producer/director was like 'hold on, we need a shot of this and that,' and almost forces Hud to move or look, or alternately not move or look at something to heighten tension or suspense.

A little note on those little 'parasites' attached to the monster. Yes, they are in the movie. There's actually a pretty good scene in a subway with nightvision where they're being chased by those creatures, but they are MUCH smaller and more spiderlike than in the fake illustration. That's a shame--those giant tick-like things in the illustrations look awesome, and could probably slice people in half. But no, we get creepy little monsters for one good scene (really--there's a few other spots where they're involved, but meh), and the results of a bite (like a tick bite, the poor girl blows up). Speaking of that girl, there wasn't enough between her and Hud (he hits on her in the beginning and it's kinda meh, but then she saves him from the critters and gets bit--he's affected by it, but not enough for me to care).

Next is the military. We've all seen monster movies, and we've all seen how ineffective the military can be against giant monsters attacking a city. But showing the U.S. military effectively getting their asses handed to them to the point where they have to carpet bomb New York City is disappointing. Especially showing a few scenes with dead US soldiers. That's just tacky and depressing.

This brings us to the ending. We're told by the soldiers that they're going to level manhattan. The main characters are told this and they have limited time to reach a chopper, but they go to save this girlfriend first, and get ambushed by the monster as they fly away. Oye. And yet, even as they go, they aren't rushing. They don't run most of the way, they jog or walk briskly. Even if I was exhausted, if I knew I had a few hours before I got nuked, I'd be running as fast as my feet could take me.

Of course, the chopper crashes and they survive--only to be in Central Park, right under the monster's feet. It doesn't make any sense, but I guess they finally wanted to give cinematic flair. We get a good damn look at the creature--right before it kills our main man, Hud. Ouch. Then of course our hero and his girl hide under a bridge and say their goodbyes, then get hit by an explosion and that's the end. No happy ending.

This sucks! I can see why it emulates real life, but a MUCH better ending would be for them to be flying away from manhattan to see the city carpet bombed, just before the battery dies. But no, we leave the movie seeing (nearly) everyone dead, and after the credits, we hear a radio transmission: "It's still alive." WHAT!? Oye!!

What can I say good about the film? The effects of the destruction of the city, the use of sound design, and the very idea of the movie is well done. But everything else around it clouds the excellent work done for the city, the creature, the way the story is told, etc.

Final aside on the monster: The big giant monster, to be honest, has some of the best moments in the movie. The brief shots in the beginning, the better shots from the air on the news, and the later shots of the creature rampaging is great. Why? Because they're brief. We see only pieces of the monster, bits, little glimpses. It still holds the mystery of the teaser trailer. But at the very end, when Hud looks up in complete fear at the fully-lighted and massive monster, it's not scary at all, and it's really just a giant, brutal creature.

In closing: I would avoid this movie. If you're at this point in the blog, you've either seen it or don't mind being spoiled. If you have, I'm sure you liked it or not. Whatever. I don't care. But if you haven't, please save your time and money. But if you wanna see for yourself, DON'T walk in expecting a monster movie. DON'T walk in expecting a character-driven story. It's a lame hybrid of both, with mastery over neither.

At least the popcorn and soda was nice.
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Alacar Leoricar's avatar
Alacar Leoricar

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