0-5 Adherence to Prompt: Does your story follow the set criteria? Did you explain something so that it was new and interesting? Did it contribute to the story? Was it integrated well into the plot and style? Did it stick out like a sore cliché?
2
I'm definitely getting the science fiction, but I'm not getting the Great Depression, or much of a time setting at all. It might be that you're bringing it back to war at the end, I can't tell.
0-5 Spelling and Grammar: How good your grammar is, and how wel yoor story iz spellt. These are not hard points to get, so don't take them for granted. Some minor errors are probably fine, but lots of errors or some really major ones will certainly cost you. Proofreading can save you two or three easy points.
4
Pretty solid across the board, although you should watch some of the sentence running-onnage.
0-10 Characterization: How well are your characters (all of them) developed? Are they believable? Do they come alive to the readers, or are they just flat archetypes?
4
I hate to say it, but I had a lot of trouble following this story, and I think a lot of the trouble came from characters I didn't really feel for or connect with. There almost complete lack of dialogue makes this feel like a monologue--not an unheard of format for a short story, but it does stand out.
0-10 Plot and Structure: Does everything flow well? Is the story coherent? Does it pass the “so-what” test? Is anything interesting happening with the structure?
So...there's a guy everyone loves. And he's at the bug explosion at the church, which leads to--him becoming a bug Jesus hybrid? Is the guy made of bugs the same guy from earlier? And what's going on at the end there? I suddenly got the feeling we were on a WWI battlefield and our hero was having a flashforward/flashback trauma thing.
0-10 Style: How effective your words are. How well you use symbolism, imagery, voice, and all those other mystical writing concepts.
6
The style and tone felt very rushed, but I'm giving you better than average because your general writing style--the way you're stringing everything together--is great. This almost feels like more of an outline, though.
0-10 Creativity: There really are a massive number of ways with which this prompt could be taken. Make good use of them.
5
This felt like some random events, the focus shifting a lot and the actual events of the story difficult to actually pinpoint. I think if you take this and expand it into a full short story, it's got potential. The plot's there, you're just rushing through it.
0-5 Adherence to Prompt: Does your story follow the set criteria? Did you explain something so that it was new and interesting? Did it contribute to the story? Was it integrated well into the plot and style? Did it stick out like a sore cliché?
1.5
This really felt like it was in a different time period than the one in the prompt--you covered with a mention of the market crash, but what really made it feel off was the characterization of the Awatu character.
The science fiction element felt like a bit of an afterthought. It's tricky, doing this sort of alien-worm-invasion story, especially since it's been done so many times before in so many variations.
0-5 Spelling and Grammar: How good your grammar is, and how wel yoor story iz spellt. These are not hard points to get, so don't take them for granted. Some minor errors are probably fine, but lots of errors or some really major ones will certainly cost you. Proofreading can save you two or three easy points.
4.5
Overall spelling and grammar are shipshape, if you will. I'm saving Awatu's dialect for the style section.
0-10 Characterization: How well are your characters (all of them) developed? Are they believable? Do they come alive to the readers, or are they just flat archetypes?
6
All of the characters are, one way or another, motivated by money, which they need to survive. But why isn't exactly clear.
I think the characterization of Awatu is the biggest problem, however, and it all unfortunately comes down to the dialect you've chosen. For one thing, no other characters are using a dialect, especially not anything so broad as this. If you're going to go there, you need to be consistent. For another, his speech comes across to me as a potentially distracting stereotypical dialect. It really makes you immediately sort of look at James in a light he maybe doesn't deserve at the beginning, when we meet him and he's ordering around a guy who calls him "Masta." I just really don't think you need it, and it kind of stands out because the story isn't really about raising cotton and the hardships of this era--it's about an alien worm taking over people's brains. This is pretty subjective territory, but that's how it came across while I was reading it.
0-10 Plot and Structure: Does everything flow well? Is the story coherent? Does it pass the “so-what” test? Is anything interesting happening with the structure?
5
This story has two main plots, neither of which seem resolved in any really challenging way. The worms are evil (or at least inspire murderous rage) and are taking over. It appears nothing can stop them, and nothing does. The other plot is more mundane but tangible--will James, Awatu and Family, and the rest of the colony make enough to survive? And then they do, but end up sort of screwed.
It's just--where is James going now that he's got the worms? What do the worms want? He just got taken over and we're ready for the really interesting stuff, and instead he brutally slays not just the most downtrodden people in the story for no really compelling reason, he kills potential worm hosts. I'd think the worms would want those, so that didn't make sense to me either.
0-10 Style: How effective your words are. How well you use symbolism, imagery, voice, and all those other mystical writing concepts.
8.5
You have a lot of technical proficiency and your general writing style is really solid, whatever I thought about your dialect style of choice. Just start thinking more about your reader, especially that first reader at an agency or magazine and looking to see if you're ready for publication. I don't think this one quite is yet. It could make a very cool novella, perhaps, if you were willing to delve deeper into the worms and what they're after and what it means for humanity.
0-10 Creativity: There really are a massive number of ways with which this prompt could be taken. Make good use of them.
6
You get points for setting this outside the US, but I think that also took you a little far afield of the prompt to the point where I thought we were looking at Civil War Virginia and not an unnamed colony of England. The worms are an old science fiction trick, and it didn't feel like you followed through on the potential--when you're using a trope, use it better than others or people will say, "Dude! Trope!" but not in a good way.
0-5 Adherence to Prompt: Does your story follow the set criteria? Did you explain something so that it was new and interesting? Did it contribute to the story? Was it integrated well into the plot and style? Did it stick out like a sore cliché?
4.5
A solid and creative use of the prompt, with some funny (I hope it was supposed to be funny) stuff to boot.
0-5 Spelling and Grammar: How good your grammar is, and how wel yoor story iz spellt. These are not hard points to get, so don't take them for granted. Some minor errors are probably fine, but lots of errors or some really major ones will certainly cost you. Proofreading can save you two or three easy points.
4.5
Very well done, I'm dinging you for not running a final spell check (in so far as I could see by reading it in Word).
0-10 Characterization: How well are your characters (all of them) developed? Are they believable? Do they come alive to the readers, or are they just flat archetypes?
9.5
Your central character was very believable as a man of his time, and the specific way his marriage came apart--a wife from money taking the boy home to give him a good life--felt like something out of a '30s movie. The wife wasn't a harpy, and the troubles they had seemed very real for their time. I was a little worried you'd be too casual with the breakup of the marriage, but this was well-handled. And the rich, disapproving father is a stereotype, but one you used well (he reminded me of the similar character in the movie Fargo.)
The only thing I felt was missing was a real connection between Tom and the main character--why did Tom pick him for the offer? Curiosity? Genuine regret?
0-10 Plot and Structure: Does everything flow well? Is the story coherent? Does it pass the “so-what” test? Is anything interesting happening with the structure?
7.5
I admit that although I liked the story quite a bit, the ending felt me underwhelmed. Does he intend to try to convince the aliens not to invade? Is he just going to go live with themin an alien utopia?
The other problem was our hero's escape was a little too arbitrary and out-of-the-blue. Don't misunderstand, I realize part of the point is the out-of-the-blue (just ask Ford Prefect) but I think there still must be more ways to foreshadow it so it doesn't feel too sudden. Talk more about beryllium, or link the Dust Bowl to alien efforts to take Earth's water, maybe?
0-10 Style: How effective your words are. How well you use symbolism, imagery, voice, and all those other mystical writing concepts.
9
No complaints here. You kept your characters distinct, you didn't overwrite or stretch anything for the sake of stretching. Your dialogue and descriptions are confident and smooth. Just needs a little more editing to trim the fat here and add a little there.
0-10 Creativity: There really are a massive number of ways with which this prompt could be taken. Make good use of them.
8
The alien twist, like Dr. Tom's "Radio, Radio," had me thinking Twilight Zone or Outer Limits, but in a good way. That's one thing about the timeline for the prompt--you're almost guaranteed to get some classic science fiction styling in there. I just wanted to see you make more of it. Things were always happening to your protagonist--even his big decision involved being taken somewhere. The importance of the baseball player wasn't quite clear to me, either...but I dug the ending line a lot. Nice.
0-5 Adherence to Prompt: Does your story follow the set criteria? Did you explain something so that it was new and interesting? Did it contribute to the story? Was it integrated well into the plot and style? Did it stick out like a sore cliché?
5
Nailed it. I only knocked off for things that seemed slightly anachronistic or rushed, like why Japan (if the radio was indeed Japanese) let go of a time-travel radio, and the idea that an American in 1941 wouldn't find a radio being made in Japan odd on the face of it. Or if the transmission was a normal radio picking up some strange time-dilated phenomenon.
But then I gave you all those points back for including "Lights Out!"
0-5 Spelling and Grammar: How good your grammar is, and how wel yoor story iz spellt. These are not hard points to get, so don't take them for granted. Some minor errors are probably fine, but lots of errors or some really major ones will certainly cost you. Proofreading can save you two or three easy points.
4.5
There's some awkward construction in places that an editing pass would catch. But overall, well done.
0-10 Characterization: How well are your characters (all of them) developed? Are they believable? Do they come alive to the readers, or are they just flat archetypes?
8.5
Philip and his wife are your basic, solid American citizens on their way out of the Depression and into another World War. They're not heavily characterized, but I don't think they need to be in a story of this size and shape. Pat Murphy, similarly, is neatly summed up and has a voice of his own that isn't the same as the narrator's distinct speech. I'd have liked to see more of the president, maybe.
0-10 Plot and Structure: Does everything flow well? Is the story coherent? Does it pass the “so-what” test? Is anything interesting happening with the structure?
9
I'd like to see a little more toward the end. I know it's not 2008, but I still don't know how easy it would be to get that close to Roosevelt. Attempts had been made on his life before while he was campaigning. It would have been cool to see a little more of how they got there and their attempts to convince Roosevelt maybe involving a little more conversation--perhaps one of those, "Let 'em go, boys. So, folks, what seems to be the trouble? I'm approachable!" moments. But otherwise, this built nicely, is about the right length, and had a pretty satisfying conclusion by tying in the "Roosevelt knew" stories. The only thing that was missing was a visit from a couple of men in suits who wanted to reassure Philip he'd never warned FDR of Pearl Harbor.
0-10 Style: How effective your words are. How well you use symbolism, imagery, voice, and all those other mystical writing concepts.
8.5
Your style isn't overdone or necessarily heavy on the 13-cent words, but it's doing more or less exactly what you ask. Most of the hiccups that arose--mostly minor--are related to the grammar/spelling category that an editing pass would catch.
The reason you're not getting a 9 is that I think you have the chops to flesh out the simple, Americana setting with its radios and Lights Out by adding little details like specific radio stations they tune in to, some dialogue from a radio announcer or narrator ("The Shadow knows..." Except don't use that one, everyone uses that one.) What kind of truck does Philip drive? What stores do they shop at? What's for dinner? I'm not saying to overdo it or put these kind of details in everywhere. Just sprinkle 'em here and there to solidify your 1941.
0-10 Creativity: There really are a massive number of ways with which this prompt could be taken. Make good use of them.
8
In terms of Creativity, the time-travel seems to be popping up a lot, so I have to ding you for that. But the simplicity and the genuinely creative twist was nicely done, making it feel evocative of a really good old Twilight Zone episode with a twist at the end to boot. The points I'm knocking off are all related to stuff I think you could improve with another pass or two and have something you could submit. Do a version where you go all out with the details, then dial it back, perhaps.
0-5 Adherence to Prompt: Does your story follow the set criteria? Did you explain something so that it was new and interesting? Did it contribute to the story? Was it integrated well into the plot and style? Did it stick out like a sore cliché?
3
It was set during the Depression and had a science fiction element, but the former was incidental to the tale and the latter wasn't very well explained. I liked the story's charm anyway, and you were within the letter of the prompt, but it just didn't feel like you used those letters much in the story you were telling..
0-5 Spelling and Grammar: How good your grammar is, and how wel yoor story iz spellt. These are not hard points to get, so don't take them for granted. Some minor errors are probably fine, but lots of errors or some really major ones will certainly cost you. Proofreading can save you two or three easy points.
4
Pretty solid. You had some odd phrases ("fired for false stories" comes to mind) but that's more style than grammar. Your spelling is strong, but you do have a tendency to slip into a passive construction sometimes, and you sometimes ended sentences in preposition. Sorry man, those are pet peeves of mine (because they pop up in my own first drafts so much).
0-10 Characterization: How well are your characters (all of them) developed? Are they believable? Do they come alive to the readers, or are they just flat archetypes?
5
This score might seem a little harsh, but know that the unnamed bum is responsible for 4.5 points of it. He's a really touching character with some great dialogue, and the way he moves back and forth between an honest question over his own sanity to the 18th century and back again--never really sure why--reminded me of Vonnegut in a way.
That said, your narrator felt like too much of a narrator, and his function wasn't clear except as a sort of Ancient Mariner character, except he's not the Mariner with the albatross and the painted ship upon a painted ocean, this narrator is the guy who's being hassled by that guy at the beginning of the poem...or at least that how he felt to me.
The other characters in the past--in the rest of the world, even--were absent or pretty thin. I wanted to see the reporter returning to his boss with the story and getting fired, J. Jonah style, or maybe some more runnin' around back in 1700s and meeting, if not famous people, than authentic people, and learn why this particular time period is even "open" to the Depression era folks. Was the 18th century an idyllic past he could escape to? Or a place that had some causal or thematic link to the Depression in a more meta sense?
(See, I just ended a sentence with a preposition. God, I'm a hypocrite.)
0-10 Plot and Structure: Does everything flow well? Is the story coherent? Does it pass the “so-what” test? Is anything interesting happening with the structure?
6
The structure is there for about two-thirds of a story, but it didn't feel like it really reached a climax. There needs to be more at stake, either for the bum, the narrator/reporter, or both. Preferably both. And not just "Oh my god, here come the redcoats! Let's get 'em, Time-Traveling Ben Franklin!" type stakes. Well, unless you decide the narrator actually gets stuck in the past, accidentally kills Ben Franklin in a buggy accident, and then seizes Poor Richard's life and tries to be the best Founding Father he can be.
0-10 Style: How effective your words are. How well you use symbolism, imagery, voice, and all those other mystical writing concepts.
6
There are some rough edges on your style, mostly bits of phrases that seem like they should be more natural (that "false stories" bit again). But your instincts and your dialogue are pretty strong. Don't be afraid to expand those things. There's a part in here where the old guy's describing his wife (I think?) and he only says "she was beautiful," and the narrator sums up the rest. I want to hear more of the bum who asked the reporter to help him prove to himself that he was sane talking about his wife. Was she even from this time period?
0-10 Creativity: There really are a massive number of ways with which this prompt could be taken. Make good use of them.
6
You have a lot of creative ideas in this story, now you need to do more with them. It's true what they say: Go big or go home. Raise the stakes. If they aren't high enough, raise 'em again.
0-5 Adherence to Prompt: Does your story follow the set criteria? Did you explain something so that it was new and interesting? Did it contribute to the story? Was it integrated well into the plot and style? Did it stick out like a sore cliché?
3.5
You certainly adhered to the prompt, and added in plenty of authenticity in the feel of the time period. The Joe Ball character, especially, was unexpected--it had the feel of a Nick Cave song at times, and I don't mind that at all. I appreciated how you didn't feel the need to lean too heavily on the war, and only so much on historical figures.
However, there were some problems. The science fiction element didn't feel nearly as well thought-out as the earlier portions of the story. It makes the time setting feel somewhat arbitrary, as if this could just as well have happened in the 1970s--speaking of which, "serial killer" is a term that originated in that decade. I didn't catch many anachronisms of this sort, but the few that were there were jarring because the immersion in the time period was strong. But it didn't feel like this particular story had to be set here, in this time. It wasn't even clear to me who or what Betty actually became (or becomes).
The conclusion also felt a little derivative in terms of the Big Explanation, especially this particular use of the many worlds hypothesis. But then I only just finished the His Dark Materials books, so I probably had that on the brain.
0-5 Spelling and Grammar: How good your grammar is, and how wel yoor story iz spellt. These are not hard points to get, so don't take them for granted. Some minor errors are probably fine, but lots of errors or some really major ones will certainly cost you. Proofreading can save you two or three easy points.
4.5
Your spelling is generally outstanding, and your structure is well done. You have a good handle on voice, for the most part, but the half point is getting docked for formatting. I'm docking a half point because I did catch some random errors ("experience" instead of "experience," for example) that a quick spell-check should have caught. I did go easy on character grammar and word choice, especially Mr. Joe Ball.
0-10 Characterization: How well are your characters (all of them) developed? Are they believable? Do they come alive to the readers, or are they just flat archetypes?
8
Your characterization is very strong in most cases. Where I thought it fell a little flat was with Betty, who didn't seem as developed as she should have been before the big reveal (we meet her as a potential victim of Joe Ball, and the transition to Ennis-esque god/devil hybrid is still a little messy) and her mother, who literally becomes god with just a change in word use but there doesn't seem to be much motivating that transition.
The other characters, though, were memorable and had their own voices.
0-10 Plot and Structure: Does everything flow well? Is the story coherent? Does it pass the “so-what” test? Is anything interesting happening with the structure?
7
As mentioned above, I lost some threads in the story during the last quarter or so. I think if you were to give this a rewrite paying strong attention to Betty's role in the narrative from the beginning (even if she's not addressing the reader) it would help keep everything on track for the reader when all the Big Stuff starts coming down in the demon's section.
0-10 Style: How effective your words are. How well you use symbolism, imagery, voice, and all those other mystical writing concepts.
8.5
You have a really interesting and readable style. It's tricky to make this sort of direct-address fiction work without getting cute or abusing the format, and I think you pulled it off for the most part. It's pretty salty (those asterisks mean "salt," right? ;)) but only where it's appropriate for your characters and story. You had many opportunities to overdo it, and you didn't take but a few of them--and those I'm willing to largely forgive.
0-10 Creativity: There really are a massive number of ways with which this prompt could be taken. Make good use of them.
7
The ideas at the core of the story (mutated/enlightened humans=gods & devils) are pretty cool. But in terms of creativity--and like I said, maybe it's just all the Pullman I've read lately--the many worlds business feels derivative, at least in how closely you've tied it to religious symbolism and beliefs.
Thing is, I didn't score this as harshly as I could because there's so much room to expand that idea. Look more at how humans become these beings, and how/why they became (or adopted) biblical titles and visages. Right now it feels like the explanation is "it just happens." It makes me wonder if this story originally had the many worlds business in it; there are sections that call to mind "Good Omens" (Pratchett and Gaiman) a bit too.
0-5 Adherence to Prompt: Does your story follow the set criteria? Did you explain something so that it was new and interesting? Did it contribute to the story? Was it integrated well into the plot and style? Did it stick out like a sore cliché?
3
It felt like you followed the letter of the prompt almost too closely, especially in that two of the most important events in your protagonist’s life--the stock market crash and a world war--were right there. The prompt suggested to me a time period, not necessarily subject matter. The science fiction element was a bit more original, but you glossed over the science part of it a bit too much--I had difficulty figuring out exactly what was supposed to be happening. It seemed a bit more magical than anything, really. I also thought, at points, that it was a Matrix style reality simulation, or maybe he was dying on the battlefield and hallucinating. That did keep me guessing, though.
0-5 Spelling and Grammar: How good your grammar is, and how wel yoor story iz spellt. These are not hard points to get, so don't take them for granted. Some minor errors are probably fine, but lots of errors or some really major ones will certainly cost you. Proofreading can save you two or three easy points.
4
I’m knocking off half a point for some minor, but noteworthy problems with tense, word choice, repetition, and punctuation. Of course, a lot of famous works have unusual punctuation, but I think the stuff I noticed (like the hyphens flanking parenthetical phrases) are things that look more like errors than strong choices. I’m knocking off another half for a lot of passive construction. I didn’t knock any more than that off because you or an editor could address all of this in a single pass, I bet.
0-10 Characterization: How well are your characters (all of them) developed? Are they believable? Do they come alive to the readers, or are they just flat archetypes?
6
Your protagonist elicits sympathy in his initial introduction, he didn’t ever seem to enjoy any of his adventures. I had trouble finding Matthew sympathetic for most of the story, and without a clear antagonist (James?) that felt like a problem. If I’m don’t want the guy to win--if I don’t want him to be the Good Guy--the revelation about him leaving his friend to die isn’t has jarring as I think you want it to be.
The other characters had pasts, but didn’t have much depth beyond different speech patterns. The lady--James’s mother?--piqued my interest, but was gone before she could do much. Which will segue nicely into the next category....
0-10 Plot and Structure: Does everything flow well? Is the story coherent? Does it pass the “so-what” test? Is anything interesting happening with the structure?
5
This kind of story is almost all plot. It depends on it, and depends on you being able to quickly draw your setting, your characters, and the twists and turns without doing so too thinly. It’s really challenging, especially when you add a structure that is (I think) linear but reads non-linear, if that makes sense. I had a little trouble keeping track of who was alive, and on which world, or whether we were also time-traveling. I mean, if it’s just parallel universes, how does one guy make himself rich? Time travel, sure, you got your Biff Tannen Sports Almanac, you lay down a few bets on the results of the 1985 Super Bowl, and you end up married to Lea Thompson and get Marty McFly to wash your car. You go to another universe, you’re still just a guy.
There were two big structural problems that could really improve the story if you gave them some more attention, as long as you can make your travel method more...I dunno, science-y. First, the parts of the story most interesting to me either happened in the past (the war, the crash, James’s father’s sad fate, the invention of mirror travel) or get summed up way too quickly (Matt’s past with James, all of the adventures). You don’t need to necessarily make the story longer, though. I think you’ve got plenty of room to cut. You take a lot of time early on establishing a mood that doesn’t fit so well with the rest of the story. It’s gritty and realistic, and the move into “Hey, check it out, SCIENCE! With MIRRORS!” doesn’t feel motivated.
Okay, three big structural problems. If you have a twist ending, make sure it pays off. I still hadn’t yet determined whether James was well and truly dead, so Matt’s confession feels like more story summary, not story telling.
0-10 Style: How effective your words are. How well you use symbolism, imagery, voice, and all those other mystical writing concepts.
7
You’ve got a knack for vivid descriptions, but sometimes it gets away from you. The confidence in your writing is great, but be careful. More words does not equal better, not always at least. I saw a tendency to overcomplicate some sentences needlessly, and sometimes you’d get an idiom wrong in a way that made me uncertain whether it was intentional. The bit about how his “financial situation had grown increasingly dim” is a good example. I think you meant “grim,” as in, his financial situation was getting really crappy. “Dim” sort of implied to me a sense that he was having trouble remembering it.
Incidentally, that’s one of the reasons I’m always blathering about reading all you can. Sayings and idioms, especially ones you often hear but don’t read, can get you in trouble. True story: When I was a little kid--like, really little, so I could read, but just barely--I thought there was a word pronounced “Brock-to-yude” (which was spelled--‘cause I was reading, sort of--“produced”). I thought this because I watched a lot of game shows (learning to read from Match Game and Password and so on) and at the end of each episode they’d tell you the show was “brought to you” by such-and-such sponsor, and I was hearing a word that didn’t exist to match what I saw in the credits of the TV show. Now if I’d just read Johnny Olson saying “Brought to you by Turtle Wax” instead of hearing it, I wouldn’t have thought that.
Er, anyway. On to the next category.
0-10 Creativity: There really are a massive number of ways with which this prompt could be taken. Make good use of them.
5
I mentioned this earlier, but it didn’t feel like you really pushed yourself on this one. Wherever you had the chance to really cut loose--whether with the simple description of an antique shop or Matt’s adventures on the other worlds--you chose to sum things up instead of going there and showing us. There are some vivid scenes here, like in the lab, when Matt’s first introduced to us, and when he meets James’s mother, to name a few, but it’s outweighed by what you don’t show us. If you plan to keep working on this story, there’s a lot of crazy and dramatic stuff you could do with it. With some cutting here and a lot of fleshing out there, it could reach a novella length, especially if you add some more direct conflicts.
All righty then, I'll finally be posting my scores here shortly on the individual story threads, and since I'm the editor this time, and also paradoxically late for my deadline, you're getting pretty unedited (but not impolite) commentary.
A really strong bunch of stories, but I did end up with a couple of clear favorites. I'll leave the tallying to VestDan, who should probably also check my math on the totals. Congratulations to <insert winner here>. And a hearty salute to all of you for having the brass to post your stories and put yourselves up for criticism. Thanks for inviting me to sling some of said criticism, and thanks for your patience.
Longtime readers of this forum may be familiar with my sketchy history when it comes to timely judging, and the fact I haven't posted my scores yet probably isn't filling you with confidence. While I intended to be more on the ball this time, I've had a lot going on in the last couple of weeks--most of it unforeseen--so I have only been able to get through the first couple of stories so far, and I'd rather post all the scores at once rather than parcel it out and make the wait even longer.
That said, my schedule will clear up a lot after tomorrow's day-job deadline (we're redesigning the town of Pointe-à-Pitre in PotBS and I've got a lot of mission dialogue to write, he said, plugging madly). I should have my share of the judging wrapped up by the weekend. Thanks for being patient, folks.
Until black rain clouds came, sun set colored the sky red, purple and blue.
From that I went to
Purple engraved in garish blues, in a horizon craved of vibrant rouge. So vivid until the rain bleeds through, fading the clouds to tempest noir hues.
This is a good example of a point I wanted to make for your second question, NB. Don't worry too much about finding the right metaphor or what have you on your first draft. You will be able to work in metaphor and turns of phrase -- or decide you don't need them after all -- on your second draft. It's madness to try and write your final version on the first try (though I admit I did that a lot in high school).
Also -- and honestly, I sometimes have trouble doing this myself -- write something every day, even if only for an hour or so. Work on a story, start a new one, and if you can't do either (because sometimes it just doesn't happen) find yourself a book and read some more. It's trite to say so, but practice will only improve your vocabulary as well as your already-strong grammar and structure.
msun, that strikes me as a rather passive way of absorbing new words. Can you elaborate on why you feel reading is still one of the better methods of learning English? Better than the ones suggested by deceptikon for instance?
If I may jump in, reading (and reading as voraciously as possible) is good practice for any writer, native English speaker or not, and IMHO is also a great way to build your vocabulary. For example, a couple of years back I finished Patrick O'Brian's Aubrey-Maturin series (the Master and Commander books) and by the time I was done, I had enough of a nautical vocabulary to get a day job working on a pirate-themed MMO. Never would have happened if my experience with that genre had been limited to Russell Crowe movies and Disney theme park rides.
But maybe that's just me--I'm a native speaker who's been reading since age 3, so that's naturally where I turn for vocabulary tips. I suppose you might also try subscribing to word of the day emails (or phrase of the day emails, which could be h handy for learning English-specific idioms). I'm not sure about vocabulary books, but again, I imagine it can only help.
However you choose to improve your vocabulary, NightBreeze, I wanted to let you know that your grammar and sentence construction are both very strong--better than most anything I usually see posted on any boards anywhere, including anything posted by me. I'd encourage you to go ahead and write (and post) your stories with the vocabulary you do have and continue to build it as you go. The important thing is to start writing and keep writing. Don't let what you perceive to be a limitation hold you back.
Heck, just look at Hemingway--he could have written The Octogenarian Angler and the Landlocked Body of Water, but The Old Man and the Sea was all he really needed to type.
Not at all--we just want to make it clear that we're not ignoring anyone, but instead we're just biding our time.
And let me just add a "me too" here...I had forgotten about our agreed upon Fat-Pack info-embargo. (I have the memory of a slightly addled gnat on a good day.)
Shadowmoor is an anthology of stories, as we already know. Is the book that is going to accompany the small (so far unnamed) expansion of Shadowmoor block in the summer something like "book 3" of the Lorwyn cycle, concluding the story of Lorwyn and Morningtide?
Hi Caranthir!
Wow, I hope I didn't just reveal something I wasn't supposed to -- I honestly thought it was public knowledge. Yep, we wrote a novel that is most definitely related to Morningtide and comes out after the anthology (for which Scott and I wrote a novella). I do not believe it has a title yet, but then again we're getting a look at the galleys this weekend so I might find out.
Ooh, Cory's here. Does this mean I can ask questions about the book that didn't make sense?! (Like, oh, um, that whole little tidbit with Ashling at the end and whether it was supposed to happen that way as compared to her thinking it was her own idea...)
Until the entire set of books is out, I would like to leave some things as mysteries (and I'm confident Scott would agree). Like this particular question, in fact.
That said, go ahead and ask away--if it's a question either of us can respond to without spoiling anything from the novella or from Novel 3, I'll do my best to get you an answer.
2
I'm definitely getting the science fiction, but I'm not getting the Great Depression, or much of a time setting at all. It might be that you're bringing it back to war at the end, I can't tell.
0-5 Spelling and Grammar: How good your grammar is, and how wel yoor story iz spellt. These are not hard points to get, so don't take them for granted. Some minor errors are probably fine, but lots of errors or some really major ones will certainly cost you. Proofreading can save you two or three easy points.
4
Pretty solid across the board, although you should watch some of the sentence running-onnage.
0-10 Characterization: How well are your characters (all of them) developed? Are they believable? Do they come alive to the readers, or are they just flat archetypes?
4
I hate to say it, but I had a lot of trouble following this story, and I think a lot of the trouble came from characters I didn't really feel for or connect with. There almost complete lack of dialogue makes this feel like a monologue--not an unheard of format for a short story, but it does stand out.
0-10 Plot and Structure: Does everything flow well? Is the story coherent? Does it pass the “so-what” test? Is anything interesting happening with the structure?
So...there's a guy everyone loves. And he's at the bug explosion at the church, which leads to--him becoming a bug Jesus hybrid? Is the guy made of bugs the same guy from earlier? And what's going on at the end there? I suddenly got the feeling we were on a WWI battlefield and our hero was having a flashforward/flashback trauma thing.
0-10 Style: How effective your words are. How well you use symbolism, imagery, voice, and all those other mystical writing concepts.
6
The style and tone felt very rushed, but I'm giving you better than average because your general writing style--the way you're stringing everything together--is great. This almost feels like more of an outline, though.
0-10 Creativity: There really are a massive number of ways with which this prompt could be taken. Make good use of them.
5
This felt like some random events, the focus shifting a lot and the actual events of the story difficult to actually pinpoint. I think if you take this and expand it into a full short story, it's got potential. The plot's there, you're just rushing through it.
Total: 21
1.5
This really felt like it was in a different time period than the one in the prompt--you covered with a mention of the market crash, but what really made it feel off was the characterization of the Awatu character.
The science fiction element felt like a bit of an afterthought. It's tricky, doing this sort of alien-worm-invasion story, especially since it's been done so many times before in so many variations.
0-5 Spelling and Grammar: How good your grammar is, and how wel yoor story iz spellt. These are not hard points to get, so don't take them for granted. Some minor errors are probably fine, but lots of errors or some really major ones will certainly cost you. Proofreading can save you two or three easy points.
4.5
Overall spelling and grammar are shipshape, if you will. I'm saving Awatu's dialect for the style section.
0-10 Characterization: How well are your characters (all of them) developed? Are they believable? Do they come alive to the readers, or are they just flat archetypes?
6
All of the characters are, one way or another, motivated by money, which they need to survive. But why isn't exactly clear.
I think the characterization of Awatu is the biggest problem, however, and it all unfortunately comes down to the dialect you've chosen. For one thing, no other characters are using a dialect, especially not anything so broad as this. If you're going to go there, you need to be consistent. For another, his speech comes across to me as a potentially distracting stereotypical dialect. It really makes you immediately sort of look at James in a light he maybe doesn't deserve at the beginning, when we meet him and he's ordering around a guy who calls him "Masta." I just really don't think you need it, and it kind of stands out because the story isn't really about raising cotton and the hardships of this era--it's about an alien worm taking over people's brains. This is pretty subjective territory, but that's how it came across while I was reading it.
0-10 Plot and Structure: Does everything flow well? Is the story coherent? Does it pass the “so-what” test? Is anything interesting happening with the structure?
5
This story has two main plots, neither of which seem resolved in any really challenging way. The worms are evil (or at least inspire murderous rage) and are taking over. It appears nothing can stop them, and nothing does. The other plot is more mundane but tangible--will James, Awatu and Family, and the rest of the colony make enough to survive? And then they do, but end up sort of screwed.
It's just--where is James going now that he's got the worms? What do the worms want? He just got taken over and we're ready for the really interesting stuff, and instead he brutally slays not just the most downtrodden people in the story for no really compelling reason, he kills potential worm hosts. I'd think the worms would want those, so that didn't make sense to me either.
0-10 Style: How effective your words are. How well you use symbolism, imagery, voice, and all those other mystical writing concepts.
8.5
You have a lot of technical proficiency and your general writing style is really solid, whatever I thought about your dialect style of choice. Just start thinking more about your reader, especially that first reader at an agency or magazine and looking to see if you're ready for publication. I don't think this one quite is yet. It could make a very cool novella, perhaps, if you were willing to delve deeper into the worms and what they're after and what it means for humanity.
0-10 Creativity: There really are a massive number of ways with which this prompt could be taken. Make good use of them.
6
You get points for setting this outside the US, but I think that also took you a little far afield of the prompt to the point where I thought we were looking at Civil War Virginia and not an unnamed colony of England. The worms are an old science fiction trick, and it didn't feel like you followed through on the potential--when you're using a trope, use it better than others or people will say, "Dude! Trope!" but not in a good way.
Total: 30
4.5
A solid and creative use of the prompt, with some funny (I hope it was supposed to be funny) stuff to boot.
0-5 Spelling and Grammar: How good your grammar is, and how wel yoor story iz spellt. These are not hard points to get, so don't take them for granted. Some minor errors are probably fine, but lots of errors or some really major ones will certainly cost you. Proofreading can save you two or three easy points.
4.5
Very well done, I'm dinging you for not running a final spell check (in so far as I could see by reading it in Word).
0-10 Characterization: How well are your characters (all of them) developed? Are they believable? Do they come alive to the readers, or are they just flat archetypes?
9.5
Your central character was very believable as a man of his time, and the specific way his marriage came apart--a wife from money taking the boy home to give him a good life--felt like something out of a '30s movie. The wife wasn't a harpy, and the troubles they had seemed very real for their time. I was a little worried you'd be too casual with the breakup of the marriage, but this was well-handled. And the rich, disapproving father is a stereotype, but one you used well (he reminded me of the similar character in the movie Fargo.)
The only thing I felt was missing was a real connection between Tom and the main character--why did Tom pick him for the offer? Curiosity? Genuine regret?
0-10 Plot and Structure: Does everything flow well? Is the story coherent? Does it pass the “so-what” test? Is anything interesting happening with the structure?
7.5
I admit that although I liked the story quite a bit, the ending felt me underwhelmed. Does he intend to try to convince the aliens not to invade? Is he just going to go live with themin an alien utopia?
The other problem was our hero's escape was a little too arbitrary and out-of-the-blue. Don't misunderstand, I realize part of the point is the out-of-the-blue (just ask Ford Prefect) but I think there still must be more ways to foreshadow it so it doesn't feel too sudden. Talk more about beryllium, or link the Dust Bowl to alien efforts to take Earth's water, maybe?
0-10 Style: How effective your words are. How well you use symbolism, imagery, voice, and all those other mystical writing concepts.
9
No complaints here. You kept your characters distinct, you didn't overwrite or stretch anything for the sake of stretching. Your dialogue and descriptions are confident and smooth. Just needs a little more editing to trim the fat here and add a little there.
0-10 Creativity: There really are a massive number of ways with which this prompt could be taken. Make good use of them.
8
The alien twist, like Dr. Tom's "Radio, Radio," had me thinking Twilight Zone or Outer Limits, but in a good way. That's one thing about the timeline for the prompt--you're almost guaranteed to get some classic science fiction styling in there. I just wanted to see you make more of it. Things were always happening to your protagonist--even his big decision involved being taken somewhere. The importance of the baseball player wasn't quite clear to me, either...but I dug the ending line a lot. Nice.
Total: 43
5
Nailed it. I only knocked off for things that seemed slightly anachronistic or rushed, like why Japan (if the radio was indeed Japanese) let go of a time-travel radio, and the idea that an American in 1941 wouldn't find a radio being made in Japan odd on the face of it. Or if the transmission was a normal radio picking up some strange time-dilated phenomenon.
But then I gave you all those points back for including "Lights Out!"
0-5 Spelling and Grammar: How good your grammar is, and how wel yoor story iz spellt. These are not hard points to get, so don't take them for granted. Some minor errors are probably fine, but lots of errors or some really major ones will certainly cost you. Proofreading can save you two or three easy points.
4.5
There's some awkward construction in places that an editing pass would catch. But overall, well done.
0-10 Characterization: How well are your characters (all of them) developed? Are they believable? Do they come alive to the readers, or are they just flat archetypes?
8.5
Philip and his wife are your basic, solid American citizens on their way out of the Depression and into another World War. They're not heavily characterized, but I don't think they need to be in a story of this size and shape. Pat Murphy, similarly, is neatly summed up and has a voice of his own that isn't the same as the narrator's distinct speech. I'd have liked to see more of the president, maybe.
0-10 Plot and Structure: Does everything flow well? Is the story coherent? Does it pass the “so-what” test? Is anything interesting happening with the structure?
9
I'd like to see a little more toward the end. I know it's not 2008, but I still don't know how easy it would be to get that close to Roosevelt. Attempts had been made on his life before while he was campaigning. It would have been cool to see a little more of how they got there and their attempts to convince Roosevelt maybe involving a little more conversation--perhaps one of those, "Let 'em go, boys. So, folks, what seems to be the trouble? I'm approachable!" moments. But otherwise, this built nicely, is about the right length, and had a pretty satisfying conclusion by tying in the "Roosevelt knew" stories. The only thing that was missing was a visit from a couple of men in suits who wanted to reassure Philip he'd never warned FDR of Pearl Harbor.
0-10 Style: How effective your words are. How well you use symbolism, imagery, voice, and all those other mystical writing concepts.
8.5
Your style isn't overdone or necessarily heavy on the 13-cent words, but it's doing more or less exactly what you ask. Most of the hiccups that arose--mostly minor--are related to the grammar/spelling category that an editing pass would catch.
The reason you're not getting a 9 is that I think you have the chops to flesh out the simple, Americana setting with its radios and Lights Out by adding little details like specific radio stations they tune in to, some dialogue from a radio announcer or narrator ("The Shadow knows..." Except don't use that one, everyone uses that one.) What kind of truck does Philip drive? What stores do they shop at? What's for dinner? I'm not saying to overdo it or put these kind of details in everywhere. Just sprinkle 'em here and there to solidify your 1941.
0-10 Creativity: There really are a massive number of ways with which this prompt could be taken. Make good use of them.
8
In terms of Creativity, the time-travel seems to be popping up a lot, so I have to ding you for that. But the simplicity and the genuinely creative twist was nicely done, making it feel evocative of a really good old Twilight Zone episode with a twist at the end to boot. The points I'm knocking off are all related to stuff I think you could improve with another pass or two and have something you could submit. Do a version where you go all out with the details, then dial it back, perhaps.
Total: 43.5
3
It was set during the Depression and had a science fiction element, but the former was incidental to the tale and the latter wasn't very well explained. I liked the story's charm anyway, and you were within the letter of the prompt, but it just didn't feel like you used those letters much in the story you were telling..
0-5 Spelling and Grammar: How good your grammar is, and how wel yoor story iz spellt. These are not hard points to get, so don't take them for granted. Some minor errors are probably fine, but lots of errors or some really major ones will certainly cost you. Proofreading can save you two or three easy points.
4
Pretty solid. You had some odd phrases ("fired for false stories" comes to mind) but that's more style than grammar. Your spelling is strong, but you do have a tendency to slip into a passive construction sometimes, and you sometimes ended sentences in preposition. Sorry man, those are pet peeves of mine (because they pop up in my own first drafts so much).
0-10 Characterization: How well are your characters (all of them) developed? Are they believable? Do they come alive to the readers, or are they just flat archetypes?
5
This score might seem a little harsh, but know that the unnamed bum is responsible for 4.5 points of it.
That said, your narrator felt like too much of a narrator, and his function wasn't clear except as a sort of Ancient Mariner character, except he's not the Mariner with the albatross and the painted ship upon a painted ocean, this narrator is the guy who's being hassled by that guy at the beginning of the poem...or at least that how he felt to me.
The other characters in the past--in the rest of the world, even--were absent or pretty thin. I wanted to see the reporter returning to his boss with the story and getting fired, J. Jonah style, or maybe some more runnin' around back in 1700s and meeting, if not famous people, than authentic people, and learn why this particular time period is even "open" to the Depression era folks. Was the 18th century an idyllic past he could escape to? Or a place that had some causal or thematic link to the Depression in a more meta sense?
(See, I just ended a sentence with a preposition. God, I'm a hypocrite.)
0-10 Plot and Structure: Does everything flow well? Is the story coherent? Does it pass the “so-what” test? Is anything interesting happening with the structure?
6
The structure is there for about two-thirds of a story, but it didn't feel like it really reached a climax. There needs to be more at stake, either for the bum, the narrator/reporter, or both. Preferably both. And not just "Oh my god, here come the redcoats! Let's get 'em, Time-Traveling Ben Franklin!" type stakes. Well, unless you decide the narrator actually gets stuck in the past, accidentally kills Ben Franklin in a buggy accident, and then seizes Poor Richard's life and tries to be the best Founding Father he can be.
0-10 Style: How effective your words are. How well you use symbolism, imagery, voice, and all those other mystical writing concepts.
6
There are some rough edges on your style, mostly bits of phrases that seem like they should be more natural (that "false stories" bit again). But your instincts and your dialogue are pretty strong. Don't be afraid to expand those things. There's a part in here where the old guy's describing his wife (I think?) and he only says "she was beautiful," and the narrator sums up the rest. I want to hear more of the bum who asked the reporter to help him prove to himself that he was sane talking about his wife. Was she even from this time period?
0-10 Creativity: There really are a massive number of ways with which this prompt could be taken. Make good use of them.
6
You have a lot of creative ideas in this story, now you need to do more with them. It's true what they say: Go big or go home. Raise the stakes. If they aren't high enough, raise 'em again.
Well they say that in Seattle. We're dorks.
Total: 30
3.5
You certainly adhered to the prompt, and added in plenty of authenticity in the feel of the time period. The Joe Ball character, especially, was unexpected--it had the feel of a Nick Cave song at times, and I don't mind that at all. I appreciated how you didn't feel the need to lean too heavily on the war, and only so much on historical figures.
However, there were some problems. The science fiction element didn't feel nearly as well thought-out as the earlier portions of the story. It makes the time setting feel somewhat arbitrary, as if this could just as well have happened in the 1970s--speaking of which, "serial killer" is a term that originated in that decade. I didn't catch many anachronisms of this sort, but the few that were there were jarring because the immersion in the time period was strong. But it didn't feel like this particular story had to be set here, in this time. It wasn't even clear to me who or what Betty actually became (or becomes).
The conclusion also felt a little derivative in terms of the Big Explanation, especially this particular use of the many worlds hypothesis. But then I only just finished the His Dark Materials books, so I probably had that on the brain.
0-5 Spelling and Grammar: How good your grammar is, and how wel yoor story iz spellt. These are not hard points to get, so don't take them for granted. Some minor errors are probably fine, but lots of errors or some really major ones will certainly cost you. Proofreading can save you two or three easy points.
4.5
Your spelling is generally outstanding, and your structure is well done. You have a good handle on voice, for the most part, but the half point is getting docked for formatting. I'm docking a half point because I did catch some random errors ("experience" instead of "experience," for example) that a quick spell-check should have caught. I did go easy on character grammar and word choice, especially Mr. Joe Ball.
0-10 Characterization: How well are your characters (all of them) developed? Are they believable? Do they come alive to the readers, or are they just flat archetypes?
8
Your characterization is very strong in most cases. Where I thought it fell a little flat was with Betty, who didn't seem as developed as she should have been before the big reveal (we meet her as a potential victim of Joe Ball, and the transition to Ennis-esque god/devil hybrid is still a little messy) and her mother, who literally becomes god with just a change in word use but there doesn't seem to be much motivating that transition.
The other characters, though, were memorable and had their own voices.
0-10 Plot and Structure: Does everything flow well? Is the story coherent? Does it pass the “so-what” test? Is anything interesting happening with the structure?
7
As mentioned above, I lost some threads in the story during the last quarter or so. I think if you were to give this a rewrite paying strong attention to Betty's role in the narrative from the beginning (even if she's not addressing the reader) it would help keep everything on track for the reader when all the Big Stuff starts coming down in the demon's section.
0-10 Style: How effective your words are. How well you use symbolism, imagery, voice, and all those other mystical writing concepts.
8.5
You have a really interesting and readable style. It's tricky to make this sort of direct-address fiction work without getting cute or abusing the format, and I think you pulled it off for the most part. It's pretty salty (those asterisks mean "salt," right? ;)) but only where it's appropriate for your characters and story. You had many opportunities to overdo it, and you didn't take but a few of them--and those I'm willing to largely forgive.
0-10 Creativity: There really are a massive number of ways with which this prompt could be taken. Make good use of them.
7
The ideas at the core of the story (mutated/enlightened humans=gods & devils) are pretty cool. But in terms of creativity--and like I said, maybe it's just all the Pullman I've read lately--the many worlds business feels derivative, at least in how closely you've tied it to religious symbolism and beliefs.
Thing is, I didn't score this as harshly as I could because there's so much room to expand that idea. Look more at how humans become these beings, and how/why they became (or adopted) biblical titles and visages. Right now it feels like the explanation is "it just happens." It makes me wonder if this story originally had the many worlds business in it; there are sections that call to mind "Good Omens" (Pratchett and Gaiman) a bit too.
But I'm rambling now. Let's total that score!
Total: 38.5
0-5 Adherence to Prompt: Does your story follow the set criteria? Did you explain something so that it was new and interesting? Did it contribute to the story? Was it integrated well into the plot and style? Did it stick out like a sore cliché?
3
It felt like you followed the letter of the prompt almost too closely, especially in that two of the most important events in your protagonist’s life--the stock market crash and a world war--were right there. The prompt suggested to me a time period, not necessarily subject matter. The science fiction element was a bit more original, but you glossed over the science part of it a bit too much--I had difficulty figuring out exactly what was supposed to be happening. It seemed a bit more magical than anything, really. I also thought, at points, that it was a Matrix style reality simulation, or maybe he was dying on the battlefield and hallucinating. That did keep me guessing, though.
0-5 Spelling and Grammar: How good your grammar is, and how wel yoor story iz spellt. These are not hard points to get, so don't take them for granted. Some minor errors are probably fine, but lots of errors or some really major ones will certainly cost you. Proofreading can save you two or three easy points.
4
I’m knocking off half a point for some minor, but noteworthy problems with tense, word choice, repetition, and punctuation. Of course, a lot of famous works have unusual punctuation, but I think the stuff I noticed (like the hyphens flanking parenthetical phrases) are things that look more like errors than strong choices. I’m knocking off another half for a lot of passive construction. I didn’t knock any more than that off because you or an editor could address all of this in a single pass, I bet.
0-10 Characterization: How well are your characters (all of them) developed? Are they believable? Do they come alive to the readers, or are they just flat archetypes?
6
Your protagonist elicits sympathy in his initial introduction, he didn’t ever seem to enjoy any of his adventures. I had trouble finding Matthew sympathetic for most of the story, and without a clear antagonist (James?) that felt like a problem. If I’m don’t want the guy to win--if I don’t want him to be the Good Guy--the revelation about him leaving his friend to die isn’t has jarring as I think you want it to be.
The other characters had pasts, but didn’t have much depth beyond different speech patterns. The lady--James’s mother?--piqued my interest, but was gone before she could do much. Which will segue nicely into the next category....
0-10 Plot and Structure: Does everything flow well? Is the story coherent? Does it pass the “so-what” test? Is anything interesting happening with the structure?
5
This kind of story is almost all plot. It depends on it, and depends on you being able to quickly draw your setting, your characters, and the twists and turns without doing so too thinly. It’s really challenging, especially when you add a structure that is (I think) linear but reads non-linear, if that makes sense. I had a little trouble keeping track of who was alive, and on which world, or whether we were also time-traveling. I mean, if it’s just parallel universes, how does one guy make himself rich? Time travel, sure, you got your Biff Tannen Sports Almanac, you lay down a few bets on the results of the 1985 Super Bowl, and you end up married to Lea Thompson and get Marty McFly to wash your car. You go to another universe, you’re still just a guy.
There were two big structural problems that could really improve the story if you gave them some more attention, as long as you can make your travel method more...I dunno, science-y. First, the parts of the story most interesting to me either happened in the past (the war, the crash, James’s father’s sad fate, the invention of mirror travel) or get summed up way too quickly (Matt’s past with James, all of the adventures). You don’t need to necessarily make the story longer, though. I think you’ve got plenty of room to cut. You take a lot of time early on establishing a mood that doesn’t fit so well with the rest of the story. It’s gritty and realistic, and the move into “Hey, check it out, SCIENCE! With MIRRORS!” doesn’t feel motivated.
Okay, three big structural problems. If you have a twist ending, make sure it pays off. I still hadn’t yet determined whether James was well and truly dead, so Matt’s confession feels like more story summary, not story telling.
0-10 Style: How effective your words are. How well you use symbolism, imagery, voice, and all those other mystical writing concepts.
7
You’ve got a knack for vivid descriptions, but sometimes it gets away from you. The confidence in your writing is great, but be careful. More words does not equal better, not always at least. I saw a tendency to overcomplicate some sentences needlessly, and sometimes you’d get an idiom wrong in a way that made me uncertain whether it was intentional. The bit about how his “financial situation had grown increasingly dim” is a good example. I think you meant “grim,” as in, his financial situation was getting really crappy. “Dim” sort of implied to me a sense that he was having trouble remembering it.
Incidentally, that’s one of the reasons I’m always blathering about reading all you can. Sayings and idioms, especially ones you often hear but don’t read, can get you in trouble. True story: When I was a little kid--like, really little, so I could read, but just barely--I thought there was a word pronounced “Brock-to-yude” (which was spelled--‘cause I was reading, sort of--“produced”). I thought this because I watched a lot of game shows (learning to read from Match Game and Password and so on) and at the end of each episode they’d tell you the show was “brought to you” by such-and-such sponsor, and I was hearing a word that didn’t exist to match what I saw in the credits of the TV show. Now if I’d just read Johnny Olson saying “Brought to you by Turtle Wax” instead of hearing it, I wouldn’t have thought that.
Er, anyway. On to the next category.
0-10 Creativity: There really are a massive number of ways with which this prompt could be taken. Make good use of them.
5
I mentioned this earlier, but it didn’t feel like you really pushed yourself on this one. Wherever you had the chance to really cut loose--whether with the simple description of an antique shop or Matt’s adventures on the other worlds--you chose to sum things up instead of going there and showing us. There are some vivid scenes here, like in the lab, when Matt’s first introduced to us, and when he meets James’s mother, to name a few, but it’s outweighed by what you don’t show us. If you plan to keep working on this story, there’s a lot of crazy and dramatic stuff you could do with it. With some cutting here and a lot of fleshing out there, it could reach a novella length, especially if you add some more direct conflicts.
Total: 30
A really strong bunch of stories, but I did end up with a couple of clear favorites. I'll leave the tallying to VestDan, who should probably also check my math on the totals. Congratulations to <insert winner here>. And a hearty salute to all of you for having the brass to post your stories and put yourselves up for criticism. Thanks for inviting me to sling some of said criticism, and thanks for your patience.
CJH
Longtime readers of this forum may be familiar with my sketchy history when it comes to timely judging, and the fact I haven't posted my scores yet probably isn't filling you with confidence. While I intended to be more on the ball this time, I've had a lot going on in the last couple of weeks--most of it unforeseen--so I have only been able to get through the first couple of stories so far, and I'd rather post all the scores at once rather than parcel it out and make the wait even longer.
That said, my schedule will clear up a lot after tomorrow's day-job deadline (we're redesigning the town of Pointe-à-Pitre in PotBS and I've got a lot of mission dialogue to write, he said, plugging madly). I should have my share of the judging wrapped up by the weekend. Thanks for being patient, folks.
CJH
This is a good example of a point I wanted to make for your second question, NB. Don't worry too much about finding the right metaphor or what have you on your first draft. You will be able to work in metaphor and turns of phrase -- or decide you don't need them after all -- on your second draft. It's madness to try and write your final version on the first try (though I admit I did that a lot in high school).
Also -- and honestly, I sometimes have trouble doing this myself -- write something every day, even if only for an hour or so. Work on a story, start a new one, and if you can't do either (because sometimes it just doesn't happen) find yourself a book and read some more. It's trite to say so, but practice will only improve your vocabulary as well as your already-strong grammar and structure.
CJH
If I may jump in, reading (and reading as voraciously as possible) is good practice for any writer, native English speaker or not, and IMHO is also a great way to build your vocabulary. For example, a couple of years back I finished Patrick O'Brian's Aubrey-Maturin series (the Master and Commander books) and by the time I was done, I had enough of a nautical vocabulary to get a day job working on a pirate-themed MMO. Never would have happened if my experience with that genre had been limited to Russell Crowe movies and Disney theme park rides.
But maybe that's just me--I'm a native speaker who's been reading since age 3, so that's naturally where I turn for vocabulary tips. I suppose you might also try subscribing to word of the day emails (or phrase of the day emails, which could be h handy for learning English-specific idioms). I'm not sure about vocabulary books, but again, I imagine it can only help.
However you choose to improve your vocabulary, NightBreeze, I wanted to let you know that your grammar and sentence construction are both very strong--better than most anything I usually see posted on any boards anywhere, including anything posted by me. I'd encourage you to go ahead and write (and post) your stories with the vocabulary you do have and continue to build it as you go. The important thing is to start writing and keep writing. Don't let what you perceive to be a limitation hold you back.
Heck, just look at Hemingway--he could have written The Octogenarian Angler and the Landlocked Body of Water, but The Old Man and the Sea was all he really needed to type.
CJH
And let me just add a "me too" here...I had forgotten about our agreed upon Fat-Pack info-embargo. (I have the memory of a slightly addled gnat on a good day.)
CJH
Hi Caranthir!
Wow, I hope I didn't just reveal something I wasn't supposed to -- I honestly thought it was public knowledge. Yep, we wrote a novel that is most definitely related to Morningtide and comes out after the anthology (for which Scott and I wrote a novella). I do not believe it has a title yet, but then again we're getting a look at the galleys this weekend so I might find out.
CJH
Until the entire set of books is out, I would like to leave some things as mysteries (and I'm confident Scott would agree). Like this particular question, in fact.
That said, go ahead and ask away--if it's a question either of us can respond to without spoiling anything from the novella or from Novel 3, I'll do my best to get you an answer.
CJH
That's how Scott and I pronounced it, but we didn't invent the word.
CJH