So, I'll preface this by saying that I really never had a girl friend in high school, and for that matter didn't really have that many girls I hung around with either. When I got to college though I met a great girl on my first day, and we've been close friends ever since. We had a lot of classes together and generally hung out on weekends or in the evenings.
Anywho, fast-forward to around Christmas time and I learn that she actually this whole time has had a boyfriend back home. I was slightly surprised, as she really had never mentioned him to me, though I realized looking back that she had alluded to it a few times in passing.
So here's the thing: I really don't care all that much about being her boyfriend (I'm not interested in sex or anything really romantic), and I quite frankly have found just being her friend one of the best experiences of my life. On the other hand, her boyfriend doesn't go to the same college as us, and I know from the upperclassmen here that many long term relationships don't survive. Given that, I'm nervous about her misinterpreting my friendship as an excuse to be close to her in the event that she and her boyfriend break up. I just want her to think of me as a friend, but I don't know how to convey that without being totally outright about it (and I don't want to do that, especially if her relationship with her boyfriend is in fact fine).
I'm just curious if there are certain things that I should be avoiding, or doing with the above in mind? Thanks for the advice in advance
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You should talk to her about it. If you're so keen on being a friend and diffusing possible sexual tension, then tell her how you feel. In my experience friends love honest communication.
Alternatively you could tell her about your 'boyfriend' and you will almost certainly be well positioned for 'Best Friends Forever'.
Please note: I'm not trying to imply anything about your sexual preferences, it doesn't really matter, I'm merely suggesting that as a way of deflecting romantic interest and cementing friendship, gay guys tend to have an advantage over straight guys with female friends. Of course be prepared to be quizzed all about it ('when did you know?' 'who do you think is hot?' 'what is his dick like?' 'let's go clothes shopping this weekend!').
You should talk to her about it. If you're so keen on being a friend and diffusing possible sexual tension, then tell her how you feel. In my experience friends love honest communication.
Alternatively you could tell her about your 'boyfriend' and you will almost certainly be well positioned for 'Best Friends Forever'.
Please note: I'm not trying to imply anything about your sexual preferences, it doesn't really matter, I'm merely suggesting that as a way of deflecting romantic interest and cementing friendship, gay guys tend to have an advantage over straight guys with female friends. Of course be prepared to be quizzed all about it ('when did you know?' 'who do you think is hot?' 'what is his dick like?' 'let's go clothes shopping this weekend!').
Considering that I go to a rather conservative Catholic university, I really would rather not make up a story about being gay. Creative advice though
I just feel like it would be really awkward to bring up her boyfriend at this point, considering she's never really talked to me about it. I mean, is there really a tactful way to open that conversation?
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"Proving god exists isn't hard. Proving god is God is the tricky part" - Roommate
Without knowing how old you are, I do think this is a conundrum that many well meaning young males go through at some point ~ you're trying to be a good friend, but you don't want to seem like someone who is trying to be a good friend to get with them in the future. Right?
Here is the thing ~ people (guys and girls) don't really think like that. If you treat her well, you're fun to be around and you're a good friend, she is going to think you're a good friend. As you spend more time around girls (and thus more time around boys trying to get with them) you'll see that although ostensibly you're all acting in the same way, there are a lot of subtleties that let girls know what someone's real intention ~ it can be innocuous comments, probing questions, body language or whatever, but girls know.
If you're her friend and that is all there is to it, you won't convey that message
It is way too easy when you're young to overthink everything and worry about ruining all your friendships, saying the wrong thing, doing the wrong thing or whatever ~ but you're young and this is a learning experience ~ you're not meant to have it all figured out yet A lot of your concern is going to be coming from:
A. not having spent a lot of time around girls previously
B. being in a new friendship
Both of these factors mean that you learning new friendship dynamics; you're just not as familiar with this type of relationship. You will be in time.
Just be yourself, it seems to be working so far!
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Without knowing how old you are, I do think this is a conundrum that many well meaning young males go through at some point ~ you're trying to be a good friend, but you don't want to seem like someone who is trying to be a good friend to get with them in the future. Right?
Here is the thing ~ people (guys and girls) don't really think like that. If you treat her well, you're fun to be around and you're a good friend, she is going to think you're a good friend. As you spend more time around girls (and thus more time around boys trying to get with them) you'll see that although ostensibly you're all acting in the same way, there are a lot of subtleties that let girls know what someone's real intention ~ it can be innocuous comments, probing questions, body language or whatever, but girls know.
If you're her friend and that is all there is to it, you won't convey that message
It is way too easy when you're young to overthink everything and worry about ruining all your friendships, saying the wrong thing, doing the wrong thing or whatever ~ but you're young and this is a learning experience ~ you're not meant to have it all figured out yet A lot of your concern is going to be coming from:
A. not having spent a lot of time around girls previously
B. being in a new friendship
Both of these factors mean that you learning new friendship dynamics; you're just not as familiar with this type of relationship. You will be in time.
Just be yourself, it seems to be working so far!
Thanks a bunch, this made me feel much better. I was just really nervous that when I had been inviting her to go see movies or to dances and stuff that I was putting her in an awkward spot, and that she would get the wrong idea from it. Thanks for the reassurance though
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"Proving god exists isn't hard. Proving god is God is the tricky part" - Roommate
So you want advice on how to get into the friend zone?
That's a new one, but you've certainly come to the right place...
Don't worry about it - if she was interested in being more than friends, then she'd have said or done something to let you know. If she hasn't it's most likely because she isn't.
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Degenerate? Sure. Loudmouth? You bet. Law abiding? No ****ing way.
So you want advice on how to get into the friend zone?
That's a new one, but you've certainly come to the right place...
Don't worry about it - if she was interested in being more than friends, then she'd have said or done something to let you know. If she hasn't it's most likely because she isn't.
Ikr, my dormmates don't get it either
And it's more a concern that I'll make her uncomfortable than that she will show too much interest in me (I wouldn't mind if she does, but that's way less important to me than just staying friends with her)
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"Proving god exists isn't hard. Proving god is God is the tricky part" - Roommate
Sometimes that is where you want to be. One of my closest friends, Alison, is my go-to person for any serious movie for example; or advice regarding other women; its nice to have someone who can provide a different perspective, and I wouldn't want that friendship being clouded by sexual tension. I can go to movies or talk about issues that my male friends wouldn't really be interested in, so having her as a good friend helps to make me more well rounded.
Now, getting friend zoned by someone you're actually interested in? That sucks!
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Just act exactly as you do right now. Obviously she's comfortable enough around you to not have to explicitly mention that she has a bf back at home. That's a good thing in your case. She obviously never felt that you were hitting on her or anything, and that you simply want to have a good time with her.
She sounds like a snake...wanted to keep you on the back-burner as long as possible in case things didn't work out with Guy #1. Hence, the convenient omission of her mentioning her relationship.
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"The Blessed Sleep? Ha! Wake up my lovelies, there's work to be done!"
Maybe, but some girls are worried that if they make a big deal out of having a boyfriend they will make things akward or uncomfortable. The OP mentioned she had mentioned him numerous times in the past after all ~ she didn't hide the fact she had one.
Wouldn't it be weird if every time he hung out with her, all she did was talk about him? If not weird, pretty damn annoying.
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Guessing I'm mostly going to just echo already stated things, but pretty much just..continue on as you are, no reason to let you knowing she has a boyfriend have any impact on your friendship, treat it as if it never happened and keep on keeping on.
She sounds like a snake...wanted to keep you on the back-burner as long as possible in case things didn't work out with Guy #1. Hence, the convenient omission of her mentioning her relationship.
In all honesty, when I first learned I felt like I would have preferred if she'd said something. The more I thought about it though, if I'd known I probably would have been infinitely more shy around her and the whole thing would have felt very clunky and awkward.
BTW, the clues I recognized retrospectively were:
-Having her facebook profile picture be of her prom picture (though she didn't list a relationship status)
-When I would invite her to go see movies or to dinner she would often bring another of her friends (that tapered off later on, but her friends are pretty awesome so I don't mind)
-Occasionally wandering off while we were doing homework when the phone rang (when her parents called she generally didn't leave).
I wasn't sure if any of those should have tipped me off sooner, or not
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It seems like she didn't want it to make a big deal out of it, or maybe it felt out of place for her to talk to you about her relationship. She might have confided in other female friends but didn't feel it necessary to share with male friends.
Unless you specifically asked her at one point "Do you have someone back home?" and She lied, then it's probably nothing to worry/overthink about. Maybe she likes keeping her private life private. Since no one here knows her besides you, it's hard to tell if this would be a natural part of her personality.
No need to talk to her about it unless she talks to you about her boyfriend for any reason. It's obviously just not in the bounds of your friendship, and there's nothing wrong with that, as long as you respect it. She obviously wants to hang out with you and be your friend, just leave it at that.
It seems like she didn't want it to make a big deal out of it, or maybe it felt out of place for her to talk to you about her relationship. She might have confided in other female friends but didn't feel it necessary to share with male friends.
Unless you specifically asked her at one point "Do you have someone back home?" and She lied, then it's probably nothing to worry/overthink about. Maybe she likes keeping her private life private. Since no one here knows her besides you, it's hard to tell if this would be a natural part of her personality.
No need to talk to her about it unless she talks to you about her boyfriend for any reason. It's obviously just not in the bounds of your friendship, and there's nothing wrong with that, as long as you respect it. She obviously wants to hang out with you and be your friend, just leave it at that.
Funny you should mention that, I only ended up finding out FROM her friends.
Thanks for all the advice guys. This helps me understand everything a lot more
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She sounds like a snake...wanted to keep you on the back-burner as long as possible in case things didn't work out with Guy #1. Hence, the convenient omission of her mentioning her relationship.
I know a ton of people who don't bother mentioning their significant other.
In all honesty, it is a rather random topic to talk about unless it's explicitly mentioned, and most people simply don't think it noteworthy enough to mention, regardless of your relationship with them.
By what the OP states, there's nothing to even remotely suggest that the girl is interested in him. Thus, it seems far-fetched to think that she's leaving him as backup. Why can't girls have guy friends? The reverse may not be possible, but most girls/women don't particularly consider every guy they run into potential bf material.
They will, however, enjoy spending time with people that they think are interesting/fun/what have you and may be interested in having a friendship with them.
I think it's a little weird having been what sounds like good friends for a couple of months and not even mentioning that she has a boyfriend. Weather or not she's interested in you, that's something that will pretty much always come up over that period of time. By her not mentioning him, I'd guess that things aren't going well with him. That's just me though and everyone here is probably right.
i second thee... if you dont stop thinking... you'll worry too much. if you worry too much. you wont enjoy... its a Yoda type of advise but works pretty well. so just enjoy whtaever you have and dont change a bit... unless in the future... ehem. OOPS.
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You don't have romantic feelings for her. Just be the person you have always been. In fact, changing the way you are just so you won't get perceived as someone who wants to get with her, will likely weird her out.
And if she does develop feelings for you, it's her problem. Don't be any less awesome of a person than you are.
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Anywho, fast-forward to around Christmas time and I learn that she actually this whole time has had a boyfriend back home. I was slightly surprised, as she really had never mentioned him to me, though I realized looking back that she had alluded to it a few times in passing.
So here's the thing: I really don't care all that much about being her boyfriend (I'm not interested in sex or anything really romantic), and I quite frankly have found just being her friend one of the best experiences of my life. On the other hand, her boyfriend doesn't go to the same college as us, and I know from the upperclassmen here that many long term relationships don't survive. Given that, I'm nervous about her misinterpreting my friendship as an excuse to be close to her in the event that she and her boyfriend break up. I just want her to think of me as a friend, but I don't know how to convey that without being totally outright about it (and I don't want to do that, especially if her relationship with her boyfriend is in fact fine).
I'm just curious if there are certain things that I should be avoiding, or doing with the above in mind? Thanks for the advice in advance
Alternatively you could tell her about your 'boyfriend' and you will almost certainly be well positioned for 'Best Friends Forever'.
Please note: I'm not trying to imply anything about your sexual preferences, it doesn't really matter, I'm merely suggesting that as a way of deflecting romantic interest and cementing friendship, gay guys tend to have an advantage over straight guys with female friends. Of course be prepared to be quizzed all about it ('when did you know?' 'who do you think is hot?' 'what is his dick like?' 'let's go clothes shopping this weekend!').
Considering that I go to a rather conservative Catholic university, I really would rather not make up a story about being gay. Creative advice though
I just feel like it would be really awkward to bring up her boyfriend at this point, considering she's never really talked to me about it. I mean, is there really a tactful way to open that conversation?
Without knowing how old you are, I do think this is a conundrum that many well meaning young males go through at some point ~ you're trying to be a good friend, but you don't want to seem like someone who is trying to be a good friend to get with them in the future. Right?
Here is the thing ~ people (guys and girls) don't really think like that. If you treat her well, you're fun to be around and you're a good friend, she is going to think you're a good friend. As you spend more time around girls (and thus more time around boys trying to get with them) you'll see that although ostensibly you're all acting in the same way, there are a lot of subtleties that let girls know what someone's real intention ~ it can be innocuous comments, probing questions, body language or whatever, but girls know.
If you're her friend and that is all there is to it, you won't convey that message
It is way too easy when you're young to overthink everything and worry about ruining all your friendships, saying the wrong thing, doing the wrong thing or whatever ~ but you're young and this is a learning experience ~ you're not meant to have it all figured out yet A lot of your concern is going to be coming from:
A. not having spent a lot of time around girls previously
B. being in a new friendship
Both of these factors mean that you learning new friendship dynamics; you're just not as familiar with this type of relationship. You will be in time.
Just be yourself, it seems to be working so far!
Want to see me in action? Check out my stream! Currently broadcasting Boros Burn in Standard. Full archive available.
Want to play better magic? Come join us at diestoremoval.com
Thanks a bunch, this made me feel much better. I was just really nervous that when I had been inviting her to go see movies or to dances and stuff that I was putting her in an awkward spot, and that she would get the wrong idea from it. Thanks for the reassurance though
That's a new one, but you've certainly come to the right place...
Don't worry about it - if she was interested in being more than friends, then she'd have said or done something to let you know. If she hasn't it's most likely because she isn't.
—Jaya Ballard, task mage
Ikr, my dormmates don't get it either
And it's more a concern that I'll make her uncomfortable than that she will show too much interest in me (I wouldn't mind if she does, but that's way less important to me than just staying friends with her)
Sometimes that is where you want to be. One of my closest friends, Alison, is my go-to person for any serious movie for example; or advice regarding other women; its nice to have someone who can provide a different perspective, and I wouldn't want that friendship being clouded by sexual tension. I can go to movies or talk about issues that my male friends wouldn't really be interested in, so having her as a good friend helps to make me more well rounded.
Now, getting friend zoned by someone you're actually interested in? That sucks!
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Want to play better magic? Come join us at diestoremoval.com
Wouldn't it be weird if every time he hung out with her, all she did was talk about him? If not weird, pretty damn annoying.
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In all honesty, when I first learned I felt like I would have preferred if she'd said something. The more I thought about it though, if I'd known I probably would have been infinitely more shy around her and the whole thing would have felt very clunky and awkward.
BTW, the clues I recognized retrospectively were:
-Having her facebook profile picture be of her prom picture (though she didn't list a relationship status)
-When I would invite her to go see movies or to dinner she would often bring another of her friends (that tapered off later on, but her friends are pretty awesome so I don't mind)
-Occasionally wandering off while we were doing homework when the phone rang (when her parents called she generally didn't leave).
I wasn't sure if any of those should have tipped me off sooner, or not
Unless you specifically asked her at one point "Do you have someone back home?" and She lied, then it's probably nothing to worry/overthink about. Maybe she likes keeping her private life private. Since no one here knows her besides you, it's hard to tell if this would be a natural part of her personality.
No need to talk to her about it unless she talks to you about her boyfriend for any reason. It's obviously just not in the bounds of your friendship, and there's nothing wrong with that, as long as you respect it. She obviously wants to hang out with you and be your friend, just leave it at that.
Funny you should mention that, I only ended up finding out FROM her friends.
Thanks for all the advice guys. This helps me understand everything a lot more
I know a ton of people who don't bother mentioning their significant other.
In all honesty, it is a rather random topic to talk about unless it's explicitly mentioned, and most people simply don't think it noteworthy enough to mention, regardless of your relationship with them.
By what the OP states, there's nothing to even remotely suggest that the girl is interested in him. Thus, it seems far-fetched to think that she's leaving him as backup. Why can't girls have guy friends? The reverse may not be possible, but most girls/women don't particularly consider every guy they run into potential bf material.
They will, however, enjoy spending time with people that they think are interesting/fun/what have you and may be interested in having a friendship with them.
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Yeah I didn't read the thread
This isn't appropriate. Malicious advice in RLA results in a suspension.
--Frox
Excessive whitespace removed for the sake of readability.
- Teia
Your bluntness had me loling. Good show sir
More seriously though, you'll be fine. Unless you actually secretly want those things, just keep hanging out and treating her like a friend.
You can't go wrong treating someone like a human being.
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i second thee... if you dont stop thinking... you'll worry too much. if you worry too much. you wont enjoy... its a Yoda type of advise but works pretty well. so just enjoy whtaever you have and dont change a bit... unless in the future... ehem. OOPS.
EDH - UWGrand Arbiter Agustin IV
UBW Oloro, Ageless Ascetic
Modern - Mono U tron / Polymorph / NFTW (ninja for the win)GR tron GR
Buy All the Dual Lands!!!
Buy All the fetches!
Create tons of EDH Decks!!!
Eat Nothing but Oats!! (LOL, not true)
Train MMA!!!
Marry My girlfriend!!!
Get her Pregnant only Once!
Teach my Son/Daughter Sports and magic cards!!!
Continue my legacy son!!!/Daughter!!
And if she does develop feelings for you, it's her problem. Don't be any less awesome of a person than you are.